Transcription
So, I'm 40 years old and I'm going to be compressing the last 22 years of my life in roughly 10 minutes here. So, the major mistakes that I've made, the the pain that I've felt and dealt with, and the the wrong turns that nearly cost me everything. So, the next 10 minutes, it might save you from losing a decade trying to to learn what I had to suffer through to understand. And nothing that I am going to say here is theoretical. It is all firsthand experience. It's hardearned. It's paid for in time and lots of regret and consequences. So, this is this is what happens when you when you stop running from your past long enough to to study it.
So, if you're if you're in your late teens or 20s, listen closely, okay? Because I've paid a very dear price for these lessons and I would rather you learn from my scars than earn your own the hard way, okay?
So when I was 18, I got lost, man. Not just a little. I mean, I I was lost in drugs and aimless friends, nights that just bled into mornings. I wasn't living. I thought I was, but I wasn't. I was I was hiding. I It was escapism is what I was what I was choosing every day. and escapism. It feels like it feels like freedom until you realize that the walls are just invisible. I mean, that that went on until I was 20. Between 20 and 21, that's when it it ended. That's when the the pain of staying in that life, it finally became greater than the pain it would take to get out of it. And, you know, I I made the decision to walk away for good. That's when that's when everything shifted for me. And that's when I stopped I stopped surviving and I really started growing. I started the pursuit of of growing as a person. And here's the thing is you don't outgrow that life. You you walk out of it and you walk alone. [snorts]
And so I mean when when I finally crawled out of that season of my life, I I thought the answer was love. A woman, right? I believed if I just found someone who who accepted me, you know, everything broken in me would would just I would just disappear. I don't know. I I would I like I would be complete or something. And I was of course I was dead wrong. I I didn't need a woman to complete me. I needed a mission. And I didn't need I didn't need that particular type of love. I needed self-respect. I didn't have that. I I was asking women to validate a man who hadn't even been built yet. I I did not know anything. I you know I had I had no confidence, no competence, and absolutely no direction. So, as you can imagine, every relationship was essentially a mirror of my confusion. And you can't you can't build something stable on top of that. You just can't if if you don't know who you are. I mean, you'll you'll hand that job to whoever gives you attention. And boy, I did. Okay? And what they'll do is they'll just build a version of you that benefits them, not you. It's it's bad for both parties. Okay?
And now now at 40, I I've realized something very important that I don't need a woman to love me to feel complete. I don't Would it be nice to have that? Yeah, absolutely. It would it would be beautiful to to meet a a kind woman, live on a farm, and and you know, make a bunch of babies and and raise them in in truth and purpose and protect them from this corrupt world. Yeah, of course. That would be awesome. That's that's a dream any man with a good heart would have. But by the time you hit my age, you here's the thing is you you learn to see reality for what it is. Hopefully, you stop living off of ideals and start operating off off clarity, off of what's realistic. You realize that fulfillment doesn't come from what you get. It comes from from what you build. And you you can't be looking for other people to to get these things. They have to come from you.
I mean, and here's the thing is you also when you when you become 40, you get around this age, you you start to notice things faster. You you see patterns. You're and sure, like your your reflexes, your physical reflexes might not be as sharp as they were at 20. I know mine mine definitely aren't, but your your instincts are way stronger. You don't you don't waste time explaining what your gut already knows. I mean, listening to your gut, you really learn to do that when you get when you get to to 40. So, um, even mid30s. Uh, but I mean that's that's what experience does. I mean, it it trades speed for accuracy and it trades energy for wisdom and and impulse for emotional intelligence. I mean, that that's the that's the quiet power that comes with age. Perspective can't be faked. It just can't.
And so, but yeah, I mean, in in my 20s, I mean, I would, sure, I had some I think I had a few real friends I still talk to to this day, but for the most part, I didn't have real friends. I mean, there there's a there's a handful that I still talk to today that are, you know, really good people that I stay in contact with, even though we're very far apart. But I mean, I had a lot of just fair weather friends, just people who were they were only around when things were easy, you know, when when the night was young, when when it was all jokes and and no accountability, you know, but the second that life got serious, I mean, they they were nowhere to be found. They disappeared. And I think that most people in their 20s really are just selfish and lost. I mean, I'm a millennial, so, you know, I think a lot of millennials can relate with this. I mean, it's just it's it's the blind leading the blind. And yeah, every every now and then a a blind squirrel will find a nut, but uh yeah, I mean, everyone's just they're pretending to have things figured out, you know, but they're they're silently hoping that someone else does, honestly.
But I mean, when when it comes to friends, I mean, you have to what I've learned is you have to be just very discerning about that. You know, who who you spend time with, it really shapes who you become. What is it? The the five people that you spend the most time with or you're you're the sum of the the five people you spend the most time with. It's very true. I mean, if you But here's the thing. If you find that one person who who is there for you at 3:00 a.m. who who sticks with you through the storms and you you hold on to that person, that that is a friendship that's worth nurturing and worth maintaining. And you you reciprocate. You be that you be that same man for for him. Okay? You be that same friend in return. none of that one-sided stuff. Okay?
And I I've also learned that you can't you can't be friends with a woman you're attracted to. And I know a lot of men like to say you can't be friends with women, period. I mean, technically, you can, but not when attraction's involved. It clouds everything. You can Sure, you can be friends with a woman you're not attracted to. Yeah. Um, but yeah, the the I'd say the most rewarding friendships I've ever had have been with other men because, you know, iron sharpens iron, right? Men need other men to to to build each other up, to correct each other, to to strengthen each other because without that, I mean, you you end up being surrounded by pe surrounded by people who, you know, smile when you're weak and and vanish when you're you're tested. Like I said, they're just fair weather friends, you know? They're only they're only with you when it's sunny out.
So, but I mean, here's another thing that I've learned. Your your beliefs, they will evolve. They will. You will not in your, you know, when you're 30, when you're 35, and when you're 40, you're going to be three different types of people roughly because you're you're going to be introduced to new information. And and so it's it's always important to change your beliefs when you're presented with better information. Of course, information that passes the smell check. But here's the thing. Don't don't get stuck defending an outdated version of yourself just because you once said it out loud. Okay? And it is is discourse important? Of course it is. Of course it is. You don't but but here's the thing. You don't ruin a good friendship because you're not perfectly aligned on every single issue. Okay, choose friends of course that will have the same morals, values and principles. I mean that is the foundation of any good relationship, friendship or you know relationship with a woman. But after that I mean just learn to relax dude. Just just just kill the motor dude. Like still like you're don't don't you know just turn your wheels. I mean yeah you're still going to have differences. You you don't have to debate everything. You don't I made that mistake plenty of times. Sometimes you just have to just sit back and just chill and just just let people think differently without taking it as an attack or just sit if it if it's uncomfortable, just let it be uncomfortable. Okay? That's the that's the beauty of life is that not everyone thinks the exact same way and has the exact same opinion. That would actually be rather boring and bland, don't you think? But I mean that that that's just that's a part of growing up you know learning to learning that agreement isn't required for respect. Okay.
And then also this was this this was throughout my life, teens, 20s, 30s, you know, I I tried to fix myself through church in different stages both both in the Protestant realm and the Catholic realm. But it I don't know. It wasn't faith that I found. It was performance. just rooms and cathedrals full of people just pretending to be healed and just posturing like they're like they've conquered sin while while secretly drowning in it. And and yeah, I I played along. I tried to speak the language and and wear the the smile and raise my hands in in the Protestant realm. When I was Catholic, I was in Latin mass. There's no hand raising. Um that's a whole other topic for another day. But I I'm no longer a Christian for for many reasons. You can watch my my other content to have a better understanding of that. I'm not going to get into that right now. That's that's kind of a side issue. But um it just it wasn't it wasn't real and I can't function around inauthenticity. It it makes my skin crawl. That that whole it's like being claustrophobia, I guess. that whole, you know, that whole environment both in the Protestant in the in the Catholic realm. It just taught me that, you know, it it was just it was just theater, honestly. And and I just didn't think that any of it really aligned with the full truth. And if you're wired for for the truth, for the full truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, you'll you'll always feel like a square peg in a round hole when you're surrounded by people pretending to be whole. So, but yeah, but anyway, so when I was at 29, I became a father. Okay. And that's what changed everything. It you realize just how selfish you've been your entire life. The moment that you become a parent, you you realize how weak you were and you you discover a kind of love that doesn't exist anywhere else. I mean, my my situation wasn't simple. It still isn't. The family court system became a battlefield. It still is to this day. And it will it will break a man who doesn't know who he is. It it's a machine with teeth that doesn't care about your heart. It tests your endurance, your patience, your sanity. But here's the thing. It forc it forces it forced me to grow and it still forces me to grow. It forces me to to become more strategic and more resilient and more disciplined because when your when your child is on the other side of that wall, you either evolve or collapse.
So my my 30s were a forge. every loss, every betrayal, every sleepless night in that system, all of it just all of it stripped away who I thought I was. That that decade from 30 to now, it taught me that struggle isn't punishment. It's refinement. You don't you don't grow from comfort. You just don't you grow from confrontation, from friction. And when you when you finally stop asking why me and start asking what now? You become dangerous. and not to others but to the the weakness that that used to run your life.
So, but yeah, now at 40, I know who I am and why I'm here. The noise doesn't move me anymore. the the flattery, the gossip, the the fake alliances, all of it rolls off because I finally built myself on something solid. Truth, the pursuit of it, the defense of it. And I'll die on that hill if I have to because my son is watching. He's learning what a man looks like by by how I carry myself when it's hard, not when it's easy. If I have to be uncomfortable for his sake and for the sake of what's right, then I'm fine living there. Comfort never made a man worth remembering. Here's the thing. [snorts] In my 20s, I tried to impress people. Eventually, you'd stop caring about that. Who cares what other people think? Okay? You don't need to impress other people. Okay? Don't don't don't go that route. Okay?
And I know I promised that this would be 10 minutes. It's now about 15. So here's the thing. I am 40 and I I am finally grateful for the pain. It shaped me into a man that I respect and can look in the mirror. I can go to sleep at night. So you can you can learn from your scars or you can repeat them. That's your choice. It took me 20 years to learn all of this and you just got it in 15. So the only question remains, there's one question. What will you do with it?