Transcription
Would you say you fake it more when he's downtown, Charlie Brown? Or when he's... yeah, you're getting close, baby.
Um, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Piano Time. [Music] I can't sing, but welcome to the show, babies. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to your favorite podcast. This is Pillow Talk. I'm your host, Ryan Ponnell. This is that they call me Dark. Mr. Quickie, co-hosting. And today, we are joined by probably the girl that I've known the longest in my life. You've never had sex with me. This is Melissa Envy. Welcome to the show.
Oh my gosh, it's true. I met her in kindergarten. And, and you know, I've been trying to pump her for 29 years. I guess that is... there's a lot of other women that wish they could hold out like you. Yeah, you're charming. Well, thank you very much. Welcome. Yeah. And then once they sleep with me, they go, "Probably shouldn't have done that." But who's that dark guy? I can get them in the sock. I can't get them to come back in the sun. That's kind of my thing. How are you, Melissa?
I'm good. How are you?
Great. Great. Thank you for coming. So, we, we did go to kindergarten together. Uh, you were really hot in... I think that's kind of pedophile vibes to say that, but when I was, you know, seven years old, you were the hottest seven-year-old. So that's not pedophile vibes because it was the same age. But you were hot. And you know, we would steal each other's twos at recess. I would get erections. I would jerk off. So, uh, yeah. Now, now look at you. You've gone so far. You have Playboy. You have a million businesses. Let's talk. Let's start with Playboy. Tom, tell us, tell us, tell us everything.
Well, your [ __ ] is [ __ ]. You're hot as [ __ ]. Playboy was one of my biggest dreams. I literally would like, find my dad's Playboy magazines when we [ __ ] met. And yeah, I also found my dad's Playboy and the page kept sticking together. Dad, Dad, I was like, I need to do this one day. And I did it. I manifested. I did it. [ __ ] right.
Did you go titties out?
I did. Like, like if we Google it, we could see some nippy nests. Not really.
Okay, I'll find it. I have a question. I have a question. I see [ __ ]. Did your dad get a copy of the Playboy?
You're right. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
But is your dad upset that you said, "Dad, what's up [ __ ] my titties are all over the world"?
Um, he, he found out like three years later.
Oh, really? Oh, that's funny. Oh, yeah. The damage was done at that point. The damage was done. And that's the coolest way to show your tits. Playboy cover, you know?
No, the cover was definitely not topless. Thank you. Okay, fair. I think they're allowed to do that. Wait, no titties on the cover? Not, not nude titties. They have to put that in a corner store convenience. A lot of my covers and little seven-year-old pervert Ryans are walking around trying to look at them. A lot of my covers are still sticky. You know, for sure. You can get it. I'll jerk off to anything. Sears catalog. He really would. Lingerie section. Yes. Yeah. I've jerked off to Home Depot. Girl mowing the lawn. [Laughter] A lot of good [ __ ] in there.
Okay, so what happened after Playboy?
Well, you know, I, I just wanted to be a young entrepreneur. So I started my own businesses.
Wow. Businesses. Multiple businesses. So you're tired of rich old guys trying to smash you? You're like, [ __ ] you, I make my money. I [ __ ] hate old men. They smell kind of weird. You smash young dudes? Who are you [ __ ] right now?
Um, I definitely like younger guys.
Really? Yeah. What's with that lately? But wait, wait. How much younger?
Um, definitely little 30s. 30s. Yeah. Oh, what? Oh, no. Because recently, a girl I was talking to, she said she's like, 22-year-olds. Oh, you know, definitely never. And I said, they could never go to the [ __ ] movies on Tuesday night. They could never have my time. You get the popcorn, he gets the Coke. Like, what are you doing? Zero Coke Zero. Because he can't afford real cocaine. 22 years old doesn't make sense. Okay, so younger boys. You don't like the old daddies?
Definitely not. I think you do. You like, uh, do you like guys like us? Yeah. Tattoos? You know. Oh, yes. Because I feel like you like the rappers. That was in my previous day. That was a phase. Yeah. It was a phase.
Okay, tell us about the rappers. We want to hear that. That's what everyone wants to hear.
Oh my god. Tell us. Definitely. Who do they pump? No, no, this is not coming out. Here. Little Chris Breezy action. Little Drizzy Drake. No. Well, yay. Definitely not Slim. Actually, that's the coolest one. Who's [ __ ] Eminem? Anyone? No one. Oh, if somebody [ __ ] Eminem, I would be proud of that. Yeah, that's cool. I would actually be proud because I never [ __ ]. I never struggled. Eminem [ __ ] he threw in the ocean. That he did do that. Yeah. He has a famous line. He says, "I don't rap to get the women." [ __ ] [ __ ] give me a fat [ __ ] that cooks and does dishes. It's my boy Slim.
So after Playboy, that's when you said, "I want to start making some guap." Real guap.
Okay. Because Playboy, it doesn't give you no that. Like, that gave me my name. Then, yes.
You know, did you even make any money from Playboy?
I did. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about? What do you think I'm gonna do this? How many zeros? [Laughter] Um, how many zeros? Yeah. How many zeros did you make?
Playboy. And I want to know how. If that wasn't enough, what made you decide to be an entrepreneur? To be like, [ __ ] that [ __ ] true that?
Um, you know what? You don't have to answer. No answer. It's confidential. You know what? I... Can you show me your checking account?
You are rich though, right? You make your money.
I mean, like, I would love to be richer.
Okay, so what'd you drive here in?
What did I drive? Yeah, I Ubered today.
Oh, okay. But what... I don't care. What I don't love about you is that you were the first one to say, [ __ ] it. Because Ottawa was very judgy and weird. Very. And before Francesca, I would say five years before. Even you were the first one to go like, on socials. And now every girl has OnlyFans. Whatever. But you were the first one to be a rock star. Honestly. Yeah. You were like, I literally, you, you paved the way. You're a mogul. You are. No, seriously though. Like, you had balls. Everyone was talking like, "Oh my god." Like, yeah. Literally. And I did not give a [ __ ] what people thought. I didn't give a [ __ ]. I was like, [ __ ] you guys.
Yeah. Did you do all of this while staying in Ottawa? Or did you move other places?
Um, no, I literally like moved from Ottawa like when I was 22 and came here to Toronto.
Yeah. Nice. Let's talk about your best friend who left, uh, one guy for his best friend after five years of a relationship. How do you feel about that?
Well, like, you know, we grew up all together. Yes. And I thought it was a little weird because like, I would never do something like that, right? Obviously. And I don't think you would either. No. [ __ ] no. No, no. Yeah. The disrespect. The disrespect.
Backstory for... yeah, we need some more. Okay, so back in the day, it was a synopsis. Melissa, so we, we grew up in kindergarten, okay? Both like before grade one. There's the two first years. Yeah. I don't remember that far back. Was a long time ago. Yeah. And we're like, naps and [ __ ]. Yeah. Oh, I remember those days. Yeah. Dunkaroos. Cool. All that. Yeah. Yeah. And the noodles. Yeah. The noodles. You break them up. Yeah. Mysterious.
Okay, so, uh, we were homies. And I was, I was like, I definitely had some clout in kindergarten. Did you? Yeah. That was the guy. So he always had clout. Okay. And they were the biggest bodies. Obviously. You know, Melissa, I was like, [ __ ]. Yeah. They could both get it anytime they want it. Okay. She was, she was premature. She had like triple D's. Kindergarten. I was like, what's going on? He's definitely lying. There's no way you got a boner in kindergarten. I still can't get her now. Yeah. See, Alice, what time did you... When's the first time you remember shooting something out of your...
We after it felt good. Like when I actually like... When was the last time you remember?
Stop. You stopped shooting blanks. Yeah. I shot blanks for three years.
I would say while you had boners. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. No cleanup. How old were you?
Lost your virginity? Grade 12.
No, you don't really know who it is, but he still hates him too. Are you... When you lost your virginity?
Um, I was 16. So who... Someone in Ottawa. Yeah. Who? Yeah. I don't... I don't even want to like talk about it because it's a date in Ottawa. I didn't really date anybody in Ottawa.
Backstory. Speak it up. Okay, so we were the click. Yeah. That's where we're going. And then I became best friends with my boys. Okay. And then, uh, and started dating for five years. And they moved together. I think that house together. They did. They moved together. Everything. Okay. They lived together. And we were three homies. Yeah. And then out of nowhere, Michael, Melissa took off, became famous, Playboy, whatever. Cool. But I was still kicking it with the homies. Yeah. And then I said, "Yo, you know what? [ __ ] your [ __ ] bro. I'm having an affair with your best friend and I'm leaving you and I'm moving in with him." Wow.
But like, I don't understand. Like, true story. Where you came from? Like, I went to that alone. Yeah. I know. But like, then you just came to Toronto. Like, oh, yeah. No, actually, he was kicking it with the homies until two years ago. Okay. So, yeah. He's still pretty new. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still pretty new. Yeah. She took my heart. Took a big [ __ ] on it. So I moved out here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Once you get done, a lot of things change. Why don't I have girlfriends now? We did go to a double date last night. I know. It went really well. Yeah. It was really nice. I jerked off. Yeah. And came on our dates. Got hard. Did you? Yeah. Cialis. You came soft? No, I got harder. Let's play Mr. Quickie. Okay, this episode was sponsored by Shiva's Rose. By our [ __ ] boys over at Fox on John. I love these guys so much. They have Shiva's Rose. Have wine, white wine, red wine, cannabis. Fastest delivery of weed in all of Toronto. I smoke it every day. And water. Thank you. Okay. All right, Melissa Envy. My name is Mr. Quickie. Do you want to know why they call me Mr. Quickie? Why? Because I do everything, and I mean everything, as quickly as possible. Okay, Ryan's gonna start a timer. You now have 60 seconds to answer as many questions as you can as quickly as you can, starting now. Did you create Body by Envy for people who don't know how to use Photoshop properly?
No. No. Okay. Photoshop. Yeah, I'm just kidding. Anyways, Ryan mentioned that you were his first kiss when you were both super young. Have you always had zero standards? Or was he just... Was it just first of many scenarios where Ryan was batting out of his league?
We definitely packed. We definitely kissed. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Definitely in elementary. Yeah. Like, what the [ __ ] do you expect? Yeah. Spin the ball. Like, spin the bottle. We definitely spin the bottle. Yeah. You spin the bottle and seven minutes. So you can only choose one. Sorry, choose two out of the three options. Ready? One, plastic surgery. Two, owning a business. Or three, happily in love with your soulmate. Choose two.
Um, I would choose the last two. Business and love.
Oh, okay. Wow. All right. I like that answer. That's it. Because I don't really have much. Yellow surgery? No, I don't.
Okay, you just, you just did the Mr. Quickie. Okay. I have a question. Let's talk about your ass for a sec. I thought your ass was fake for a long time, actually. Yeah. What was nice? This is a good topic because, okay, I'll let you answer that first cause I got stuff to say. So now you just add a little bit of how are you to your booty?
I did. Let's, uh, maybe get a little, uh, yeah, a little shake, shake. We'll just do a little...
Oh, oh, oh. No, no. You're talking about me. I know. I was asking for hers. Is yours natural?
Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, do guys get asses? Do guys get their asses done?
Not that I know of.
Do you guys think that would be [ __ ]?
No. No. This is, this is a poll question. Yeah. Do... What guys like fake asses? And what guys do like? Yeah. Like, what do you like?
Fake ass? No. No. Do you?
I loathe it.
You allow it. I hate them.
You hate that. You can go to the gym. It's the only part of your body. Yes. Okay. You want to get big tits? You have small little itty-bitty titty. Sure. Go get them [ __ ] pumped up with 400, 400 cc's of fun. That's fine. But do you think like big ass hits? There's like, is hot? Or do you like it naturally big? Big, big fakies.
I like the gummy gummy bear ones that are really squishy.
I, I think like it's better like when it's like natural. No, no. Fake fake tits is the best.
Yeah, but they're... Yeah. They have to be. Either little tits, natural booty. Tiny, little small.
Really? But BBL is different than getting portions. Go do a squat.
Squats don't work for some people. Not true. It's... I have no ass.
I agree with you. I agree with you. It's because you've never done a squat before. They don't work. Well, if you do squats. I, I've been squatting for [ __ ] like 10. And your ass is incredible. Well, now you know what? Yours looks really nice.
Thank you. Yeah. It's not like it doesn't look like a [ __ ] diaper ass.
Yeah, I'm coming up [ __ ] with diaper asses. Like, you're coming a little hard on her. I'm coming off a little strong. He just texted his date from last night. "I love you." And she wrote, "I love you?" But she said, "Question mark." So what does that mean? I'm sorry. She... I said, "I love you" to the girl I met for the first time last night. And she replied, "I love you too?" And also, two weeks ago, he took a girl on a date. That... That's fake. Yeah. I'm screwed, eh?
Um, ugh. Yeah. Fake, fake. And, uh, and also, just to add to why he's being such a dick is that two weeks ago, he took this girl on a date, Jack Harlow concert. And then that guy there, Devin, he [ __ ] her that night on his date night. That's a true story. It's whatever. Yeah. A lot of name drops this episode. Yeah. Terry's gonna have a busy gig today. Yeah. Producer Terry got a new afro. Yeah. Anyways, to go back to the asses thing. I think like proper ass implants. Like, you can avoid. Nobody implants is not acceptable.
Okay. Thank you. Yeah. I'm okay with BBL. I am. BBL or like, yeah, like what the new thing is going on now. Whatever that is.
What is?
Stay away from that. Like, my girl, you know, turn...
[Bleep] scared of her. [Laughter] Scared to death of her. Yeah. Keep Arianne. Keep Alexandra. Please. Please. Whatever you do.
That brings us to our next game. Our next segment called Ass and Answers, hosted by A. Luge. Dracus. Get over here. Get over here. I farted in the seat for you. It's nice and warm. Did you have a question on your phone? Uh, she's... Hello. Hi. How are you? This is...
How are you?
I'm great. Thank you. Okay. ZakiHaki85 is asking, "Who's that?" It's a Twitter question. Oh. "Which city has the hottest men? A, LA, B, Toronto, or C, Miami?" Hottest men. Hottest mom.
I would say I'm right here. Definitely not Toronto for men. No. Absolutely [ __ ] not. I love American men. I'm a little muffin. I'm a peach. Um, but like, you got two girls right here. So Toronto girls, absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. And I would say men, I would say LA.
Really? Wow. Yeah. Shame on us. I think Miami. Hey, Luge. I mean, like, Miami guys are kind of sloppy. They're... They're like... So Ryan, or were you going to move to LA or what? I guess we have to. You don't like the boys here? Is that how that works? So if you just move to another city, you become that. Yeah. You do. For sure. Yeah. Well, look at the Ottawa girls. We're trying to become hot. Stronger. True. Yeah. It's true. LA guys are like, just like, well, we're not going to be hot Ottawa guys. So you guys are bougie like me. So it works out. So who are you [ __ ] from LA? Yeah. Let's talk about the boys. Give us something. Yeah. You know, we want something juicy. Yeah. Give us something. What's your favorite threesome? What's going on?
We have... We've had threesomes. We probably could have pulled off a 440 last night. A little 40.
No, no. My girl who loves me? Question mark. Um, she, uh, she wasn't down for that. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about what you've dated. You're being very political. You're little Trudeau vibes over here. I mean, give us something. What's going on?
True. Yeah. Well, but voted conservative, I bet. I don't really talk about dating life too much.
Okay. You seen... What was the last time you [ __ ] you pumped?
Last night. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Are you in a funk like me? It's been three weeks.
No. You [ __ ] on on. Oh, yeah. But we're not talking about that time. That's once in three weeks. It's still shitty. Yeah. Bad numbers. Get up that [ __ ]. I'm, I'm doing so much right now. I think twice if it was in the last three days. You know what? Everyone did it. Yeah. Okay. You got her. Do you live with the guy right now?
I don't live with anybody. I live with my damn self.
Oh my god. You have a boyfriend? Where do you live?
I live in Vaughan because I don't like downtown. It's too much.
You moved to Vaughan by yourself? At home?
Yes. No way.
What do you do out there? Like golf or something? [Laughter] Yeah. What the [ __ ] do you feel like there's a lot of nice golf courses there? Part of me. There's a lot of nice golf courses in Vaughan. There is. You don't party anymore?
Slightly. You just like shoot up here. I want to vlog. I'll party with you. I'll party with you guys. But yeah, you better be saying French swear words by the end of the night. Yes. The second I mean, if he takes it out of me.
How many kills do you think you have? Kills? Yeah.
Um... [Music] Oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, that's terrible. Who the hell is going to tell the truth on that question? Get more or less than Producer Zach? Definitely less. Who's Producer Zach? Let's see. Okay. [Laughter]
Okay, let's talk about your businesses. Let's get into the real [ __ ]. You're making a bunch of money. You got a clothing line.
I do. Okay. And your boutique. And then tell us about the boutique.
Well, so yeah, I started a company and like, I just, I would... How many girls do you see naked a week? [Laughter]
Definitely like four to five. That's it. Yeah. Well, that's a lot. It's like, but it's like, that's Terry numbers.
Okay, keep going. Oh, also, I wanted to ask, why? I know OnlyFans. Yeah. I feel like I'm too like classy for that. True that. True. And like, all the [ __ ] I see is like, so like, I don't know.
Okay, here's too much for me. Here's a question. If you're too good for OnlyFans, do you use porn to masturbate?
Absolutely not.
Oh, you don't? No. So you got some freaky me. Like, I just use my my brain. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. I've never used porn, really, ever in my life.
Use toys? Do you think?
Absolutely. Do you think of past seasons? Like sciences? Absolutely not. Exterior correct. Yes. Ding ding ding. We were Juan girl. Yeah. I, yeah. Don't need porn.
Wow. Okay. Because girls mostly, and straight girls, not like Christina, but straight girls, they tell me that they watch lesbian porn. Turns them on. So no, no, no. Have you ever done anything with a girl before?
Oh, you ever gonna wonder? I would be boring if I didn't. True that. Right? You've been home with a girl one-on-one? Or just drunkenly like, "Oh my god, let's make out." All of a sudden. Yeah. You ever bring a chick home?
It's no. Never die. Okay. No. It's only been like close friends.
You ever had a threesome with another girl?
Yes.
Who are all these lucky dudes, bro? Yeah. All these hot [ __ ] girls. Steven [ __ ] nuptin. Yeah. Okay. Uh, what about two guys?
Definitely not.
Good for you. Good for you. That means there's a handful of women out there that are strongly disagree with you. I mean, um, so you're a good girl, eh?
Sounds like it. Sounds like it. Right? Yeah. No two dudes. Never. Eiffel Tower. Is that something that like, I should be doing?
No. No. Not anymore. Yes. Yes. Maybe. Maybe like in high school. Right? Like in high school. You're... Who's doing that in high school? That's when I was. Well, first year college, second year college. Like your first time in Cancun. I lost my virginity the summer after I graduated high school. And then I turned into a monster. Yeah. He's a sex addict. Because, you know what? After 10 minutes of having sex, that was it. You know, just over it. I'm done.
Wait. Yeah. This guy. 10 minutes. Like, what about you? 10 minutes. What's your minute?
I mean, I'm Mr. Quickie, so I mean, I don't last long. But give me five minutes. I'll do it again and again and again.
When he [ __ ] a girl, they go till like 8 in the morning. Every time. And I'm like, "First of all, you wasted your whole next day." You sex [ __ ]. Yeah. Day two. Dark sucks. Yeah. You're terrible. Yeah. 10 minutes. And I'm, I'm excluding like the first kiss and the make out and the fun stuff. Real. Okay. We're [ __ ] down. 10 minutes max. Honestly. Yeah. That's it. It's not that short. You're agreeing with him. It's like half of a Friends episode.
What's an average session length?
I don't like, like short sessions. Really? No. Thank you. Like, I don't run out of moves. I'm like, "Okay, we did all three positions. Now what else are we gonna do?"
But like, did you make the girl come? Sometimes. That's definitely a no. You have more kills than Ryan has girls that he's made come. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would say Ryan has been [ __ ] girls since [ __ ] kindergarten. You think he'd get it by now? I know. Like, practice doesn't make perfect. And I know all the girls he's talked to. Yeah. Can we do a poll? Let's do it. What's the point? You and I will talk outside of this. Yeah. We're gonna see. Um, A, how many girls you've had sex with. And B, if they enjoyed it. And B, if you made them. See if you made them. If you made them come. And let's also talk about the alphabet because it's A, B, [ __ ], C. All right. Because if you're not going to make them come. You know me, I'm drunk. I can't speak.
Ever fake it?
Did I ever fake it? Yeah. In my life. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry to whoever I [ __ ] faked it to. Would you say you fake it more when he's downtown, Charlie Brown? Or when he's...
Yeah, you're getting close, baby.
Um, here's a better question. On a scale of one to 10, how difficult is it to make you come?
Difficult. That's difficult. 10 being easy, one being very difficult. Yeah. Because some girls say, "I can't with a guy blink." Helmet. I'm like, "I'll change that. I'll change that." Do I change it? No. Do I try to do? Yes. Do I still don't change? No. Do I try each move with the... How are you from behind? Yes. I feel like a dentist is pulling teeth to get some answers on it. It's tough. Yeah. Okay. I know we're a lot. We get it. And can I be honest? You know what? With experience, I've come a long way in understanding when a girl is actually faking it versus when it's real.
You can tell?
Yeah. Now I can. How... The body does different things when it's a real orgasm. True. Okay. Yeah. It's hard. Like the girls take a a deep breath and they go, and like the legs kind of like, like this. Like there's something. But when they fake it, they just think it's all the voice, right? Yeah. But their legs are chill. I'm like, yeah, they forget to have a seizure. Yeah. Yeah. Have a seizure. Like, I need a little, you know. We know that's the problem. It's like, some of you girls out there need an Academy Award. Like, we get it. Congratulations. But if you just want to show, like, most of us... Oh my god. Yeah. I can't. It's like, "Why can't you walk, honey?" Because I have a leg cramp. And I don't call them out. I don't have the balls. What am I gonna say? "You faked it?" Well, you remember Julia, when Mac was at her party last summer, and she was like, "We're talking about fake orgasms." She's like, "Oh yeah, I faked it a bunch." I'm like, "With me?" She's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Oh, wow. Offensive." [ __ ] Mac. It's whatever. She, she gets brought up every epi. I mean, someone did you wrong once. You get a text back. Okay. Uh, I think that was... That's a good episode. Hey, 25 minutes. Yes. You know, wrap it up. Maybe I never wrap it up. There we go. Melissa, where can everyone find you and your businesses?
Melissa Envy. Yep. And Melissa.envy. Yeah. Melissa.envy. Yeah. And End Viewer Boutique.
Love it. Absolutely. We've got a lot of male viewers. Hopefully, they're into into some. But they're gonna like you. Yeah. A lot. A little [ __ ] body. I think. Call me Dark. Sprite Panel. Like, comment, subscribe. We never say that, dude. Like, we're supposed to say it. You tell us every week. Yeah. Subscribe. Listening. Thank you for tuning in to the number one podcast in Canada. Most downloads for episodes. That's right. Number one in the country. Yay. That's this. Let's go, champ. Thank you, everyone, for coming. And we'll see you next time. [Music]