Transcription
2D communication styles.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. George Bernard Shaw.
The most common work in this book is without a doubt communication. Largely because this is where most fuckups occur.
Communication is the key to navigating polyamories, relationships, and communities. Yet, I haven't found much literature regarding how we're supposed to do this effectively.
Understanding your communication style and the context of how you defining PY will be incredibly helpful as you begin engaging with new partners. Before engaging with others, ask yourself the following. How do you communicate when you're in a good place? How do you communicate when you're in a bad place? When your nervous system is triggered, how do you communicate with others? Do you avoid them? Do you shut down? Do you shut people out? or do you become anxious, clingy, and attached? Do you overcommunicate? Do you undercommunicate? Do you lash out? If you know your tendencies up front, you can arm yourself with a few few tools that can help you out in advance of being in a stressful situation.
Multiamory's four pillars of healthy non-monogamy. To help navigate the complexities of defining your poly style and communicating that with others, it's valuable to understand the foundational principles outlined by the multi multiamory podcast known as the four pillars of healthy non-monogamy. Communication, honesty, trust, and respect. These pillars serve as a framework that can guide individuals in determining their readiness for a polyamory and navigating the relationships more effectively.
Before you begin dating others, take an inventory and ask yourself a few key questions.
One, communication. Open and ongoing dialogue is crucial. This involves discussing feelings, boundaries, and desires with your partners to ensure everyone is on the same page. Effective communication can prevent misunderstandings and foster deeper connections. Are you prepared to communicate with your lovers in this way consistently?
Two, honesty. Being truthful about your feelings and intentions is vital. This means not only sharing your own truths and definitions, but also creating a space where your partners feel safe to express theirs. Honesty builds the foundation for trust and respect in relationships. Can you handle or manage complex emotions and changing definitions over time and share and receive difficult truths?
Number three, trust. Building trust takes time and effort. It involves being reliable and consistent in your actions. Establishing trust can help alleviate insecurities and jealousy that may arise in non-monogamous dynamics. What is your relationship with integrity? Do you consistently keep your word with others? Conversely, have your partners been high integrity so far? Polyamory will only amplify what you have already experienced in your dating life to date.
Number four, respect. Respecting your partner's needs, boundaries, and feelings is essential. This means acknowledging their autonomy and understanding that their experiences and perspectives may differ from your own. Can you do this path on your own? If your partner does not want to pursue the same path as you, can you find a way to proceed? Respecting both individuals autonomy.
These pillars can serve as a touchstone as you navigate your polyamorous journey. They remind us to check in with ourselves and our partners, ensuring that our relationships are built on a solid foundation.
Active listening and non-violent communication. One of the most effective communication techniques that enhance our interactions in polyamorous relationships is active listening. As described in a recent episode from Multimey podcast entitled the importance of active listening in relationships. This involves not just hearing the word someone says, but truly understanding the emotions and intentions behind them. Active listening requires us to be present, to give our full attention to the speaker, and to reflect back what we hear to ensure clarity.
It's never about the chores. Whenever Savannah was feeling triggered about something regarding her partner Tom's other relationships, she would become fixated on minutia in the house. Immediately following a date, she'd wake up early the next morning with a long list of chores for Tom, which inevitably led to an argument. Tom never picked up on the fact that Savannah's micromanagement had nothing to do with the chores. He had taken a moment to piece together the context around their arguments and be present to her pattern, he could relieve a good portion of their stress.
Integrating the principles of non-violent communication, NVC, can further elevate communication in polyamorous dynamics. NVC emphasizes expressing our feelings and needs without blame or judgment, fostering a safe space for honest dialogue. In advance of dating others, it would be helpful for one partner to hear from the other things like, "I need reassurance that our connection is valued, so I'd like to have a kiss, love making, or snuggle both before and after your date." This approach not only reduces defensiveness but encourages collaboration and finding solutions.
Practical applications of these techniques in polyamorous relationships could include setting aside regular check-in times where all partners can openly share their feelings and needs without interruptions. Using active listening in NVC during these discussions can help navigate complex emotions and reinforce the bonds between partners.
Communication check-in. To practice enhancing communication skills in advance of opening up your relationship, try this structured check-in exercise.
Number one, set a time. Find a regular time weekly or bi-weekly for partners to come together for communication check-in. Ensure this time is free from distractions.
Two, use a talking stick or stone. To promote active listening, use a talking stick or another object that designates who's speaking. Only the person holding the object can speak, while others listen without interrupting.
Number three, share using NVC. Each partner takes a turn to express their feelings regarding a preset topic list, family, money, sexuality, work, etc. Using non-violent communication, which includes observation, state what you observe without judgment. When I saw you dot dot dot, leave without saying goodbye, for instance. Feeling express how this makes you feel. I felt ignored, unimportant. Dot dot dot need. State what you need. I need more quality time, softer communication, a set aside budget, etc. with you. Request. Make a specific request. Would you be willing to set aside a night for just us?
Number four, respond with active listening. After each partner has shared, the other should reflect back what they heard to ensure understanding using phrases like what I hear you saying is.
And number five, discuss and reflect. After everyone has had a chance to share, open the floor for discussion. Reflect on how you can support each other's needs moving forward. Practicing this method of communication before opening your relationship can serve you well at later points when tensions are higher.
Attachment style. All of us from cradle to grave are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions long or short from the secure base provided by our attachment figures. John Bulby.
As I have been in countless open relation scenarios uh relating scenarios over the last 15 years, I have come to learn that secure attachment is central to open relating. Secure attachment is characterized by trust, emotional availability, and the ability to communicate openly and honestly. It fosters a sense of safety and connection, enabling partners to navigate the complexities of relationships, especially in open relating scenarios without fear of abandonment or insecurity. While I'm not going to go into extensive description regarding attachment styles in this book, I encourage you to read Polysecure by Jessica Fern, where the concept is explored in much further detail.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We've had children together, navigated the ups and downs of life, and built a strong partnership grounded in secure attachment. I'm literally on a train right now to New York to spend a weekend with another lover, and my husband is fully supportive. This level of trust and understanding is the result of years of nurturing our connection. However, when it comes to securely attaching with new lovers, the landscape becomes much more challenging. It takes time, patience, and mutual investment to build the same level of trust and safety as you would with long-term partners. Miscommunications, jealousy, and insecurity can easily arise.
Before engaging with new partners, take the time to learn what your own attachment style is such that you can clearly communicate it with new partners to create a new level set on how you are likely to engage with them.
I forgot that I'm anxious. Karina had been married for years and had developed a secure relationship with her husband. She did not know what her attachment style was, but that didn't impact her daily life because of her long-term marriage. However, when she started dating her first lover after opening her relationship, she became obsessive. She found herself checking her phone 50 times a day and felt severe anxiety when her new lover failed to return a text or call immediately. She ultimately broke up with the new lover largely because she was overwhelmed by her own anxiety. Had Karina taken the time to know her attachment style ahead of her new relationship, she could have prepared herself in her new lover by explaining her anxious attachment style, and they would have had a shot at addressing it together.
Learn your attachment style. This exercise is a series of statements related to attachment behaviors and feelings. Rate your agreement with each statement. One is, I strongly disagree. Five is I strongly agree.
Number one, I often worry that my partner doesn't love me as much as I love them.
Two, I feel comfortable depending on others and having them depend on me.
Three, I find it difficult to trust others completely.
One is I strongly disagree. Five is I strongly agree.
Number four, I prefer not to rely on others and keep my distance emotionally.
Number five, I often feel anxious when I'm not in contact with my partner.
Number six, I'm comfortable with intimacy and find it easy to get close to others.
Number seven, I become very upset when my partner is not available or is busy.
Number eight, I avoid getting too close to others to protect myself from being hurt.
Number nine, I feel secure in my relationships and rarely worry about my partner's feelings for me.
Number 10. I often feel my partner is too clingy or needy.
Now, you're going to add up your scores based on your responses to each of the statements above. For statements 1, 3, 5, 7, and 10, these are anxious avoidant behaviors. A higher score indicates a tendency towards anxious or avoidant detachment. So, a higher score leads to anxious attachment. For statements 2, 6, and 9, secure behaviors, a higher score indicates a secure attachment style. And for statements four, and eight, avoidant behaviors, a higher score indicates a tendency towards avoidant attachment.
Interpreting your scores.
Secure attachment. If your scores on statements 2, 6, and 9 are higher than your scores on the anxious avoidant statements, you're likely to have a secure attachment style.
Anxious attachment. If your total score for statements 1, 3, 5, and 7 is significantly higher than for the others, you may have an anxious attachment style.
Avoidant attachment. If your total score for statements 4, 8, and 10 is higher than the others, you might lean towards an avoidant attachment style.
After identifying your attachment style, take some time to reflect on the following questions.
One, how do you think your attachment style affects your relationships?
Two, are there specific situations where your attachment style becomes more evident?
And three, what steps can you take to create healthier patterns in your relationships based on your attachment style?