Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taban, and this is Psychax: Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is spilling the tea. So, this episode is going to be about the Tea app. In case you haven't heard, as of last week, Tea was the most downloaded app on the App Store, beating out even ChatGPT. So, what is this virally popular piece of software all about?
The app is ostensibly about making dating safer for women, which is really smart marketing because what monster would be opposed to that, right? Well, you're about to meet him. I wanted to get this episode out as quickly as possible because I strongly believe that not only will this app not accomplish its intended goal—that is, I do not believe it will make dating safer for women—but that it actually has the potential to completely destroy a dating market that, as it stands, is already hanging on by a thread. Let's get to it.
First, you have to know that the app is exclusively for women. Men can't join. Their voices are intentionally excluded. Now, leaving aside the legality of this, the app intends to create a safe space for women to screen men in advance of dating them. And this is accomplished in two main ways: First, by allowing women to leave anonymous, uncorroborated, one-sided reviews of men they've dated. And second, by allowing women to use a reverse image search on dating app pictures to run background checks on men that reveal personally identifying information, including their phone numbers and home addresses.
The idea is that women can use the app to stay safe by avoiding bad men. That is, men who exhibit red flags or who date more than one woman simultaneously. Shock. The price of that safety being, of course, the reputation of the man in question. But hey, it's a man we've already decided is bad, so who cares, right? Who's going to defend that guy? It's like if "begging the question" were an app, right? And it's not like women who were dumped or who failed to secure a relationship with a particular man would have an axe to grind or anything. In fact, we can probably assume that these women will be so honest and even-handed that we won't even need to hear the other side of the story, which is fortunate because, of course, we won't.
As I've said, you only need to exercise a modicum of critical thinking to understand that this is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. Why? Well, let's start with its ineffectiveness. Publicly shaming and doxxing men is absolutely not, not, not going to make dating safer for women. Let's take the most obvious example. There are some violent and aggressive men out there that women would justifiably want to protect themselves from. Pop quiz: If a woman were actually to encounter one of these men on a date, which course of action would keep her safer? Is it A, going to the authorities with her evidence and concerns, or B, talking a bunch of [ __ ] about him behind his back? Like, making anonymous, uncorroborated, reputation-ending accusations against men on a national scale is not going to make things safer for women. If they're actually dealing with one of the few truly unhinged ones, it will likely provoke him instead.
Now, you might think, "Well, how would he know?" Men aren't allowed on the app, and the reviews are anonymous, right? Well, they're anonymous to other users, but based on the tone and content of the review, it probably wouldn't be too difficult for the man in question to figure out who wrote it. And while men aren't allowed on the app, the app has already been hacked. Go figure. The personal identifying information of tens of thousands of its users has already been leaked publicly. I trust the irony isn't lost on you. After all, the whole point of Tea is to leak personal and private information about men without their consent because, safety. And I can't help but wonder if those women feel safer now that their names and home addresses are out for the world to see.
The fact of the matter is that truly dangerous men only make up a very small percentage of the dating pool. They are not going to be the ones most affected by this app. Just like the MeToo movement, Tea might get rid of a few bad apples, but it will cause the rest of men, the vast majority of men, to become even more wary of women than they already are. Here's a question I'm often asked: "Why don't men approach women anymore?" Hm. Like, do you think it might have to do with the fear of being labeled inappropriate, creepy, or harassing? And pop quiz the second: Who do you think would be more afraid of being labeled in that way? Is it A, inappropriate, creepy harassers, or B, decent guys with something to lose?
Now, imagine that instead of just being labeled by a single woman in a private encounter as inappropriate or creepy, men who go on a date can now be labeled by every woman as inappropriate or creepy. And that the details of their date can now potentially be shared on a global level and preserved in perpetuity. Oh, and without any recourse to correction, you know, just on the off chance that the woman, I don't know, left something out or didn't quite get everything exactly right. I know, I know. It's extremely unlikely that a woman would change or admit details to make herself look better or make herself look like a victim, but hypothetically, just in the multiverse of possibilities, we have to agree that it could happen under these conditions. Pop quiz number three: Do you think men are going to be more or less likely to date women? If MeToo scared men out of approaching women, then Tea has the possibility of terrifying men out of dating altogether. This is because even a single bad review might effectively cancel a man forever. Why? Because a single negative review can be more powerful than even dozens of positive ones. Like, I've known girls who have spent hours reading reviews for a $15 hairdryer online. 99% of those reviews could say the dryer is awesome. But if one of them complains that the cord is too short, then suddenly she's thinking of a situation in which she might potentially want a longer cord, and boom, she's not buying that hairdryer anymore. Any business owner knows how damaging even a single negative review can be, but at least they have the chance to read and respond to the reviews in question. Uh-uh. Not so on Tea, where being a "girl's girl" means gossiping. That's what it is. Like, I don't know what other word would be more appropriate for what this is. When you speak about someone in a way that you don't want anyone else to know about, you're gossiping. And gossiping is a form of aggression, relational aggression, which, irony number two, is what Tea is ostensibly interested in preventing. Guess it doesn't count when a woman doesn't, huh?
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No one, man or woman, is going to be universally liked. Anonymously interview every person anyone has ever dated, and I guarantee there's going to be some bad reports. And this is why an app like Tea is fundamentally flawed. It cannot possibly show a man in a positive light. It can't. Even if the reports are mostly positive, a negative review will likely be more impactful. It will both precede any potential interaction a man might have with a woman and follow him for the rest of his life. A man with only positive reviews is not possible. Why? Because a woman who reports that there is absolutely nothing bad about a man she did not end up with self-incriminates. If she dumped him, it potentially incriminates her as foolish or delusional for rejecting a perfectly fine man. Or if he dumped her, it potentially incriminates her as being too damaged or unattractive to maintain his commitment. And very few women are going to stand up and declare that they fumbled a perfectly good thing all on their own. Women can and routinely do throw men under the bus to save face with their friends and family who generally do not challenge their interpretation of events. This creates an echo chamber that reifies their official narratives in a positive feedback loop. The best a man could possibly hope for in this case is to not be featured on the app at all, which could also be tantamount to a negative review, as it suggests that literally no woman has wanted to date him.
Women want what other women want, which in this case means that women want men that other women want but can't have. And we can presume these women to comprise a sizable portion of the reviewers of any desirable man. Paradoxically, the only men who could have only positive reviews are the men that women don't want. And these men would have no women to review them.
And now we'll come to the kicker. One of the primary functions of the app is to determine whether any other women happen to be dating the man in question so that they can move on to someone more available. And I'm just going to save all you women the trouble: He is, he is the man you want is dating someone else in some capacity. But here's the thing: If you cancel all the guys who are dating more than one of you at once, there's not going to be anyone left for you to date. I'll repeat that: If you cancel all the guys who are dating more than one of you at once, there's not going to be anyone left for you to date.
Let me explain. Here's the thing about women: They could date anyone, but they don't. When it comes to dating apps, we know that women only swipe on the top 20% of men. This means that those top 20% of men are getting 100% of the female interest. If this interest were evenly distributed, which it isn't, that would mean five women for every one man. Ladies, on what [ __ ] planet do you think that a top-tier man who's getting all this interest from women, at least some of whom are more attractive than you, is just going to turn down all that juicy opportunity or sit around waiting for you to show up? As I've argued previously, women are making society more polygamous. Top-tier men have more sexual optionality today than at any point in human history. But somehow women think these men are just going to [ __ ] with them. What?
As I discuss in my book, men can be exclusive, but only if that woman is more attractive than all his other options. And the more options he has, the less likely this will be the case for any one woman. Of course, these desirable men are dating other women. To assume otherwise would be naive or absurd. But if most women want to date the top-tier men, and if most top-tier men are dating multiple women, then if you disqualify these men, who's going to be left for most women to date? If they cancel those guys, it's not like women are suddenly going to find the bottom 80% of men to be attractive. Any app that purports to disqualify even more men from the dating pool is not going to help women get what they want.
Just like the MeToo movement scared regular guys out of approaching women, apps like Tea have the potential to terrify men out of dating women altogether. When doing something wrong on a date, or more realistically, doing something that a particular woman just didn't like, might follow you for the rest of your life. Men are not going to magically be better. They are going to realistically walk the [ __ ] out. Which leaves what? Pickup at a bar? Ugh, that's creepy. Asking out a coworker? H, that's an HR complaint. And now dating apps come with the risk of being publicly shamed or permanently embarrassed in a one-sided kangaroo court. That anyone thought this could possibly create positive change is absolutely baffling. Tea is going to make dating safer in the same way that killing the patient cures a disease.
I'm not convinced that it's worth it. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow.
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