Transcription
You ever wonder why you feel so much? It's like this intensity inside you that builds, but it doesn't build gradually. It builds, at least it seems that way, that it builds instantaneously, and then you get overwhelmed. Well, once you get overwhelmed, what can you do about it?
And today we're going to focus on four things, four components related to BPD, why you feel so much, but also what you can do about it. So here we go. Let's get into it and let's check it out.
First, it's emotional intensity as a double-edged sword. And emotional sensitivity, it's like having a high-definition emotional radar, you know, and imagine that little radar screen, you know, it's green and it's got that, you know, it's black and then it's the green over it, that green line, that kind of thing. So, every feeling is vivid. So, it's showing up on that radar screen. And it is powerful. So, it's almost like you have all these nuclear subs coming at you. They're going full blast, and they're all firing all of these torpedoes. You're constantly on guard. You're constantly looking over your shoulders. You're constantly looking at your partners, looking at your family members, looking at your co-workers and thinking, "What is it? What's going on? Why do I not feel safe? What is this activated component?"
And I want to use an example of someone named Sarah. Now, Sarah, she's a 35-year-old graphic designer, and she often feels crushed, just overwhelmed by perceived criticisms at work. And these criticisms could even be like a minor suggestion from her boss. And but they feel like harsh rejection, and this sparks intense shame and anger. Now, if you've seen my other videos, you know that I talk about core content and surface content. And what's happening for Sarah in this situation, it may be happening for you too, is that when people give you feedback, any feedback, that you immediately internalize it, and then your defenses go up, right? Radar, beep beep. It's the subs, torpedoes coming in, and it activates that core content. Now, classic core content for those with BPD is fear of abandonment, rejection, sensitivity, and emptiness. Now, for Sarah, she also has shame and anger. And anger is more surface. So, that's going to be more of her surface content. Shame though is probably a byproduct of rejection sensitivity, emptiness. But we could say that for Sarah, perhaps it is core content. So people come in, they give her some feedback, and immediately, right, she's in the ring, and she's ready. She's ready to go, right? You got subs coming at you, you got torpedoes coming at you, everybody's trying to blow you out of the water. And that's how Sarah responds.
Well, here's what I want you to do, and here's how you can manage it. That double-edged sword of emotional intensity. I want you to practice some self-validation. Instead of denying or criticizing yourself and your emotional reactions, I want you to just acknowledge it. Slow down. And this is tough. And I know it's tough, but the more you do it, the better you will get at it. Acknowledge it first. Just say to yourself, I feel hurt because that suggestion felt like criticism. It's also okay to feel this way. And it doesn't mean that you have to respond in an intense manner. In this instance, what you're doing is is that you're naming it. You're identifying it, and you're not internalizing it and turning it against yourself. That's what a lot of folks with BPD do is that even though they're having a reaction, they immediately skew intensely negative and then attack themselves about it. So, what I want you to do instead is name the emotion so you can reduce its power and control when you call it out. Right? You got to call it out. It's just like on that radar screen that you see the subs coming and you see the torpedo. If if you just stand there and don't say anything, probably going to blow you out of the water. In this instance, instead, what you're going to do is you're not going to say anything to your coworker, right, or your boss. And instead, what you're going to do is you're going to be like, you know what? I do feel like I'm being criticized, and it's okay to feel this way. Let me take a breath. Let me step back a little bit and assess the situation. Is that what's really going on? And I want you to challenge yourself. How can I make this instance work in your favor? You got to turn down that BPD. And I know it's loud. I know it's loud. Believe me, I get it. I get it. This is something that's so common with folks with BPD. They have that emotional reaction, turn on themselves, self-attack, which amps everything up, amps up their defensiveness, their boundaries, and tendency to act out aggressively.
Now, number two, riding the wave of overwhelming feelings. Now, here emotions, they can feel like tidal waves. It looks like we're staying in the water a little bit today, right? Why not? But emotions can feel like these tidal waves and that they're overwhelming and unstoppable. And these aren't like those little waves, you know, when you go to the beach and you're kind of bouncing around and you're getting a little splash right by the waves. Mm- These are full-on tsunamis. That's what it feels like because BPD BPD is not happy if they're just bouncing you around in the ocean. No. What BPD wants to do is it wants to hit you with the tsunami and hit you hard.
Let me give you an example. And we're going to talk about Mike. Remember, BPD isn't just all females. Actually, the prevalence is about 52% female, 48% male. So, really, they're almost about equal. So, let's talk about Mike. Now, he's 42 and he's a teacher. That can be a stressful profession. We all know that. We all know that. But he finds himself exploding in anger during disagreements with his partner only to feel deep regret afterwards. You ever been there? That's riding that wave. And then afterwards, maybe you say something, do something, and then you regret. And the sudden and overwhelming rage leaves him feeling out of control and ashamed, which amplifies and empowers that BPD feeling. And this cycle plays out. It could play out for Sarah at work. Could play out for Mike in his romantic relationship. Could also play out in your familiar relationships. And it can play out across all of your relationships. But here's the thing is that that sense of regret afterwards, the thing about BPD and individuals with BPD is that they do tend to act out impulsively, sometimes quite aggressively. Here's the thing. Afterwards, that's where the self-attack comes from. That's where that we call family in the head. It's this group of like a chorus. It's this group that you have inside your head that's constantly criticizing you, telling you what an emotional wreck you are, what a failure you are, how broken you are, so on and so forth. Mike has it, Sarah has it, and you might have it, too. But here's the thing is that after that acting out, there's intense regret, doubt, uncertainty, and fear. That's common after effects for BPD acting out.
Now, what can you do in this situation? Well, what I would like you to do and use a grounding technique. Now, what you can do here is when emotions surge, right, they're coming up. I want you to try the five, four, three, two, one method. What you're going to do first, you're going to identify five things you can see. What are five things that I can see in the room? Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. I think that was five booms. Four you can touch, right? Find four things that you can touch. Could be your shirt, could be your nose, right? Could be your your AirPods, whatever. Four things that you can touch. Then three three things you can hear. I hear a generator outside. I hear the other psychologist in the other room. All right. And I also I kind of hear me in the seat moving around a little bit. You know, I got to fix the little squeaky. I'll get to it. And then two things you can smell, right? I'm wearing a little cologne today. Not a lot, just a little. Right. And also, I had coffee this morning, so I can still smell it because I haven't cleaned the cup yet, but I'm getting there. And then one, what you can taste, right? Still got a little coffee taste in there. 5 4 3 2 1. And this helps bring your focus away from the emotional intensity and back to the present moment. What happens is is that that emotional intensity, you get trapped in it. And it's like being trapped in a whirlpool and you're stuck in there and you're spinning around and around and around. You're like, "Oh my god, how can I get out? How can I get out?" This method will help you get out and reassess the situation. One thing I know for working with individuals with BPD, if we can break that spiral, you are empowered to make good choices. All my clients have good guts. Sometimes we got to get out of the spiral. Focus on those good guts so you can use them to manage those situations when you're riding the wave of that emotion. Absolutely.
Talk about number three, fear of rejection. Amplifying your emotional reactions. Now, here we're going directly to core content. This is one of those classic core content areas. Fear of rejection, rejection sensitivity. This is a core struggle with BPD. And you feel things more intensely. This is particular in relationships, not just in romantic relations. Could be familial, could be work relationships, whatever it may be. We're going to talk about Maria. Now, Maria, she's 29 years old and she's a social worker. Now, she often spirals in panic. And we know panic, that's one of those amplifiers, right? It's kicking things up. We know that. And that panic and she starts to spiral. This is when friends don't immediately reply to her texts. I can't tell you. I like texting myself, but my clients really struggle with it because of the expectations we have, just like Maria. And what happens is you text and you expect that immediate reply. Well, maybe whoever she's texting, maybe they're in the drive-thru and they can't text you right away. Maybe maybe they're fixing a flat tire, maybe they're stuck at work, maybe who knows what, right? But what happens is the silence gets interpreted as rejection. That BPD and family in the head, that chorus in your head tells you they're leaving you. They don't care about you. They've rejected you. They're not interested in anything going on with your life. You are broken. You are a loser. So why would they care about you? And this becomes that BPD, family in the head amplification. So what happens is it ignites all of this anxiety and panic. And then you engage in frantic efforts to reconnect because you feel like it's severed. So you have to reconnect. But recognize for for Maria, the reality is we got to slow you down. We got to have you see what's going on. And do you need to reconnect or just slow down? Because reconnect implies that there's been a separation, that there's been a disconnect. But there hasn't. It's just the text message. If you guys want me to do a video on text messaging and how it is so triggering and can hit emotional buttons. And if you're not sure what those two are, please let me know. And I will also leave a video on emotional buttons at the end of this video that you can check out to learn more about them because there is a huge difference and is important to know.
Now, what can you do about it? What can you do when that fear of rejection is amplifying your emotional reactions? Well, you got to challenge that catastrophic thinking. You got to push back on all of that catastrophe that seems to overwhelm you because it does to Maria. Makes total sense about where Maria's come from. Like, I get it. I get it. Because in her past, she has been rejected maybe by people who cared about her or who were supposed to care about her or who are supposed to be dependable, but they weren't. and they were they were inconsistent and they left her kind of hanging there wondering what's next, what's next, what's next and then maybe bad things happen. Sometimes that can happen. You may have experienced something like that. But how do you manage it? Well, first when you feel rejected or ignored or abandoned, pause. Remember, pausing is so important. I just I mentioned it in number two. So important. And what I want you to I want you to ask yourself, what evidence do I have that they're upset with me? Could there be another explanation? Drive-thru, flat tire, busy at work, who knows what? Who knows what? Who knows what? And then I want you to write down the alternative explanations that and this will help you diffuse that emotional intensity because you're slowing down, refocusing and you're broadening out because there's also a tendency here to split which is you're only seeing the catastrophe. Catastrophe means that you are in the 1% of life's experience that is an emergency that you're not going to be able to breathe. You're not going to be able to survive. Oh my god, what are you gonna do? It's like it's like you're putting a plastic bag over your head on purpose and you're suffocating yourself. This is what BPD does to you. And this is how it feels. So, you're always trying to break out of that plastic bag. So, what we want to do is again pause, question, what evidence do I have that they're really upset with me? Could something else be going on? Maybe they're slow to respond to texts. Maybe they're busy today. Maybe, who knows? Who knows? But writing down those alternatives will absolutely help you.
Last one. Number four. Here we go. Finding balance through self-compassion. This is a tough one. I know self-compassion is difficult because your BPD and family in the head gets in the way. It prevents you from connecting to yourself, being honest with yourself. Because people with BPD, they tend to skew negative. you tend to just go into the negative, attacking yourself, minimizing yourself, telling yourself how you're not this, you're not that, you'll never be this, you'll never be that, all of that stuff. Now, the intensity of emotions, this leads to that self-judgment and shame. Now, we're going to talk about Paul. Paul here, 38-year-old musician, often feels guilty for reacting so strongly to minor slights, calling himself I'm just too much or I'm just a burden on everybody. Because what happens is is that minor slights, which could be like texting, right? Same thing for Maria. But could also be maybe somebody doesn't respond the way you expect them to. Maybe somebody doesn't follow through on what you expect them to do. And remember, you're not going to ask them for what you want. They're just somehow supposed to know. And that's BPD is a really good trickster because it gets in your head and it tells you they should know that. They should know that they've known you this long. They're your mom, dad, brother, sister, cousin, partner, co-orker, whatever it is. They should know. BPD wants you to live on assumptions. Don't. Because here, what I want you to do is I want you to practice something called radical acceptance. Now, radical acceptance, you got to remind yourself that feeling deeply is part of who you are. Doesn't mean you're broken. Doesn't mean you're terrible. Doesn't mean any of that stuff. You got to turn down that volume of family in the head, right? Which amplifies your BPD and control over you. You have to control yourself. Instead of fighting or shaming yourself for your emotions, acknowledge them with kindness. You could say to yourself, you know, it's okay to be highly sensitive person. It's okay to feel deeply. My emotions are real and I deserve compassion. You have to give yourself compassion first. Easy to say, hard to do because I understand people with BPD, they absolutely externalize their sense of validation. So, I'm only as good as how the world treats me and responds to me. It's a dangerous place to be. And you've probably experienced a lot of confusing emotions and uncertainty associated with it. Use these tips. Use these strategies. Don't use them all at once. Find one that works for you. Try it. And build it into habit. Practice until it's habit. I want you to embrace it. I want you to do this multiple times per day. And it's okay because the more you use adaptive and healthy strategies, the more control you will have over your BPD, your reactivity, and all of those emotions that cause you to feel so much.
Well, now you've got some strategies and you know what to do with it. So, please leave any comments. How do you manage all of these emotions, being highly sensitive, things of that nature? Because people really do benefit from the comments. And I think we're creating a great community here of support and kindness. And that's important because that's what people with BPD need. They need more support and more kindness. So, thanks a lot. Hope you enjoyed the video and I'll see you next time. Bye-bye.