Transcription
Hallelujah. God bless you all. Please be seated.
You know, every time I visit after a long time, I'm just looking into the crowd and in my mind I'm saying, "Oh, good to see that guy. Good to see this person. Good. It's good to see it. It's good to see you, Pastor Sarah. It was your birthday days ago, right? Happy birthday." I want to say it.
Um, if it's been your birthday in the past three weeks, please stand up. Stand up. Happy birthday to every one of you. Pastor Steven, I owe you a big apology. You know I love you. You see, there is this new addition to my schedule. Morning prayers. Hey, that thing they dream. [laughter] I love you. Happy birthday to every one of you. Listen, this is your best year yet. >> See your path going like this, brighter and brighter >> in Jesus mighty name. >> Amen. God bless you all. Hallelujah.
CCW, how you doing? >> I hope I'm not wasting time. I just want to greet a few people. Minister Moses Zako, how you doing? You release a sound. I I hope you're showing him love in this house. >> This and this man is special. So I appreciate you. Thank you very much. Hallelujah. Thank you, Lord. Glory, glory, glory.
All right. I want to flow from something very important I said on Sunday. And for those of you who listen to it, it might have been a bombshell for you. Maybe the concept might have surprised you that I would say such a thing. I said that an older pastor friend said it and I agree with him 100%. I never heard anybody put it that exact way. He said, "Being a believer doesn't make you a Christian. Being a believer doesn't make you a Christian. If you believe in Jesus, you have eternal life. You have the Holy Spirit. You make heaven. But being a Christian is different. The Bible says that believers called believers were first called Christians in Antioch. And the reason people called them Christians as the name implies is because they acted like Christs. So it means that the word Christian defines and describes disciplehip not believers. You can be a believer and not be a Christian. Christianity describes disciplehip. You can be tongue speaking and God is still dealing with some baggage in your life. You just some emotional baggage. Have you seen believers that are hard to love? Talk to me. You know now maybe you are very careful with your response because one of them is seated by your side or maybe it's you. I mean think about it. If the Christian experience is as efficacious as it ought to be, any two believers should be able to get married and be happy. any two believers. If we really love like Christ and we demonstrate what the Bible teaches, any two believers at all should be able to get married and be happy. Was it is that the case experientially? No.
You see, I've counseledled I've even counseledled pastors that beat their wife. Oh yes, not once, not twice, not three times. I've see I think this is the confusing part. You see two people who are individually amazing but just can't work together. It's confusing. Confusing. Some of you at least you've had friends like that. Like you love each of them individually. You get along with with each of them but they can't get along with each other and it confuses you. Have you seen things like that? >> And and now they want to sandwich you. You are in the middle of two grown-up adults acting like children and it just makes it complicated and difficult for you but even more complicated when it's a marriage. And another thing that makes this a little complicated is because the realities of being a believer are different from the realities of social interaction. Let me explain what I'm saying. Let me illustrate with this example. If an armed robber, somebody who just killed killed people in a robbery in December of 2025, if such a person feels convicted, receives the message of the gospel, places in trust on Christ, I hope you know that he has a clean slate, all his sins are forgiven. But if they catch him, >> what do you think is going to happen? I mean, you're going to be a good Christian in prison. >> A good Christian. Because you see, in life there are consequences.
So now this is what makes it slightly difficult because God is patient and long-suffering. There are a lot of people that God just gives a long ro. He gives them ample time to change, to improve. We love that about God. We love that about God. He doesn't judge us. He doesn't condemn us like other people. Not because he tolerates those wrong behaviors, but because he's a dad. And that and because the goodness of God leads to repentance. And that's how come people as damaged as rehab can still find their footing in destiny. Come on, I get what I'm saying. >> Now, I will not be surprised if even after Rahab's encounter and how relevant she was in the spiritual scheme of things, she still didn't go on to have a happy home. Because whether you like it or not, you can be spiritually sane and emotionally wounded. These are the struggles a lot of people cannot reconcile. [crying] And why is it this way? It is this way because wisdom is contextspecific. I'm starting this way just as a justification of the study because some people like to ask the question why do we really have to talk about marriage and love? Let's just talk about the gospel and in the gospel all our needs will be met. You are right and wrong. Wisdom is context specific. You can be a brilliant genius businessman, inventor and struggle in marriage. You can have a very high intelligence quotient and very low emotional intelligence. And that's why you see geniuses like Albert Einstein struggling in marriage. You see genius is like Solomon administratively the nation is having the best experience but there's problem at home serious problems [laughter] the s lungs come on you get what I'm Yes, sir.
You see, and and that's why it's a little scary. You need to learn about this. Otherwise, you'll be I like to describe it this way. You'll be a Johnny Bravo Christian. I don't know if I don't know if Jenz's know that cartoon. I don't know. You know, there's there are some illustrations you give, they know your age instantly. Johnny Bravo is a cartoon character. He has very big massive broad chests and very tiny legs because even in the gym the parts of your body you don't exercise after some years it will start showing and there are some Christians like that if you hear them speak in tongues different consonants aggressive tongues But they can't say sorry. >> I hope you know there are people like that. >> They they don't know how to say so. I'm sorry. >> With all those tongues tongues like shifting gear. Oh yeah. Say sorry. Context specific. You never just really walked on it. Never saw the need. What I'm telling you is true both in the Bible and in real life. You can be so anointed that every time you call, heaven answers. But your success in ministry makes your children hate God even more. Because what kind of God will be indulging a man like this by answering him? These are real issues. If God is still blessing this man, it means he's a part of this rubbish because wisdom is context specific. Now make no mistake, this is not the will of God, but it's just still the reality. For instance, when it comes to ministry, the Bible says that any anyone who will lead a church, let him go and first show leadership in his home. So God doesn't want us to compartmentalize [music] our wisdom and our influence. But somehow we end up doing so and we fall for the halo effect. Remember the teaching I did two years ago. We fall for the halo effect because somebody is strong in one area. We just conclude that he's strong in other areas. And you you will experience a rude shock to discover [laughter] that somebody who is leading a Fortune 500 company doesn't know how to keep a whole. You must deliberately learn it. deliberately, intentionally.
You know, I was talking along these lines when I preached the sermon live and cleave. Not to judge you. If you have not listened to that sermon, lift your hands. The sermon I be honest now the sermon I preach leave and cliff. Thank you for your honesty. All right. Now, I said something that I want to say again just to butress this. You look at anointed men of God in the Bible and you immediately see the same problem. A lot of them were awesome in their spiritual destiny but were not quite great at the home front. How can anointed ally raise spoiled children? What happened to you? They were giving you all the feedback of all the nonsense they were doing. You never really corrected them. Just put your foot down and correct them. He didn't do that. And now you're wondering, have you ever sat back to look at Jacob's home? the patriarch Jacob and you're wondering what what in the nollywoodood is going on in this family that brothers listen to me because you are looking outside in and because it's Bible you have not really sat down to soak it in these were brothers oh plotting how to kill they plotted and executed AND CAME BACK WHAT TYPE OF HOME IS THAT WHO RAISED YOU? Just imagine you were reading in the papers that brothers ganged up, tied one of their own, threw him in a pit to die, eventually changed their mind, sold him off to slavery. You think, man, crazy things are happening. Then to look again and see the surname, I recognize this surname now. What? Jacob, what is going on? You look at David, the ammon and tama story like somebody was raped under your nose, man of God, worship leader. How did this happen? And then Abselon and his rebellion and you know his vengefulness. I mean look at all David's children. Chaos everywhere. Chaos. And you know initially when you're reading the story you'll be like well it looks like at least this one has sense. Solomon, watch out for part two. [laughter] depending on what your view is on theological concepts like solar scriptural. I'm not here to argue theological concepts. But some people believe that some other documents maybe that talk about Jewish culture, even if they don't have the same authority as scriptures, they help to contribute useful discourse and sometimes give some context to some things. I was reading one of such materials and I saw that the Jews believed that Abraham and and Sarah actually got a divorce. And I won't lie to you, even though I'm going to take that with a pinch of salt. when you're reading the scriptures carefully, it it seems to suggest that you can't you can't hold to it conclusively, but it it seems to suggest that according to Jewish tradition, Sarah never forget forgave Abraham for trying to crucify for trying to sacrifice Isaac. Even if I wasn't there, I mean, I'm like, it's something a woman can do. I just imagine her putting one and two together. I've not seen this man 3 days now. And you're putting one and two. Where are you going? I'm going to worship. Isaac wood. No ram. I hope it's not what I'm thinking. [laughter] I hope somebody that I waited for almost three decades. I prayed every day in my old age. God gave me then without consulting me. >> I mean for obvious reasons. No be say she go agree. But see Sarah noi agree. I know [laughter] maybe you don't agree. Maybe don't you know look at Genesis 22. Let's just look at this and I'll leave you to whatever you decide. So Oya he tries to sacrifice Isaac then God calls out to him then gives him a lot of promises. Look at verse 19, the next verse. The Bible says, "So Abraham returned to his young men and they rose up and went together to Beesba and Abraham dwelt in Bashba." So after that incident, it seems he didn't go home from there just they go just it seems. I mean look at it like he returned to his young men and both all of them went to make a sentiment elsewhere. Look at the first verse of chapter 23 the next chapter. The Bible says Sarah lived 127 years. These were the years of the life of Sarah. [music] So Sarah died where? I know you're struggling that place. She died in Hebron. She died in Hebron in the land of Canaan. Now listen. And Abraham came to mourn for Sarah. [music] Now listen. I can make arguments for and against. It was common in those days for people who practice nomadic farming to be apart from each other for a while. But the flow of thought, especially what you read in the previous chapter, it just gives it there's some plausibility there. At the end of the day, you look at the anointed men in the Bible and there are not many examples of good fathers. Some of them in some shape or form, in some context, we're not really great husbands because anointing is not therapy. What I'm telling you is serious. Oh, serious.
I can give you example upon example. I [music] mean, the story I tend to tell a lot of times because, oh my god, it just shook me to the core of my bed when I heard it. A man of God in Lagos, I'm going to have the honor of preaching for him sometime in October. His first marriage failed and that's because the woman used to beat him. Oh yes. You know that's that's that's the one we don't talk about. In case you don't know, women they beat men. Yes. And what was interesting is she had a strong prayer life. Crazy, eh? She used to pray every night. night vigils. So she will beat him and enter the prayer room and pray. See some people here somebody said war room. [laughter] Some people have found a way to compartmentalize. Oh they they have found a way to compartment. They will do everything together. They will hate you and worship. I'm telling you normally when you have any grievance against anybody, it should be hard to pray, hard to worship. But see, but you see that thing you cannot meet. Some of you know what? You know what I'm saying? You get strong hearts. Strong like the strong. Come on. Are you listening to me? >> Yes, sir. >> You can have gifts of the spirit and not know how to. But I think that there is a gift of the spirit that can help marriages. It's called discernment. Discernment. Discernment. Because discernment is the spiritual capacity to understand what is at play. To see deeper than what meets the eye. Who is this person? Where is this person coming from? What is the motive behind this? What is inspiring this? Let me tell you something. In social balance, there's a name for that. It's called emotional intelligence. Yeah, discernment is supernatural. Emotional discernment, intelligence is a social skill, but they are similar. And so when you start bringing that spiritual component to bear, you discover that your life becomes better. You see, let me give you two examples in the Bible. Just picture it that a great man of God in this country gives you the honor and privilege of going with him for a retreat. Maybe pastor, he says, "My son, come with me. Let's go and pray." And then you go there and start sleeping. No, for some reason, let me not use pastor. Let's use Bishop. Why are you laughing? I think Bishop is a better example. What [screaming] what level of I can't really read. I love the man. [laughter] Hallelujah. Not only were these people sleeping, they were sleeping at a very sensitive time in Jesus's life. You have to understand Jesus is exceedingly sorrowful, as the Bible says, even unto death. And he wants to pray through it. He's literally about to be killed. He takes what was supposed to be his support system. COME AND AGREE WITH ME, pray with me, watch with me. And they are sleeping. These are people he has been there for for three and a half years. That's betrayal. And then to look at them, look beyond the action, separate the action from the motive and say the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. That my friends might be a spiritual gift but it's also emotional intelligence. If many people knew how to bring that kind of discernment to bear in their conversations, many marriages that failed would not have failed. What if someone said something to you and you're able to discern and say, "This person is not trying to hurt me." In general, I've discovered that this person struggles with articulation. This person just just hasn't learned to state his point calmly. Make no mistake, the fact that you understand why people are doing what they doing doesn't make it right. Are you getting what I'm say? I'm saying empathy is not always a show of love. Sometimes a show of self-abandonment. You just allow people dump on you. And part of the reasons people abuse others is because they always expect you to be the bigger person. They always expect you to understand. So there's that. But it's just emotional in Are you ready for the next one? >> Yes, sir. >> Genesis 50:20. Joseph is looking at his brothers, the very ones that threw him in a pit to die, sold him off to slavery. I mean, all the woes of his life were on account of their wickedness. But also the blessing in his life was also on account of their wickedness. It takes great emotional maturity, not just spiritual maturity, EMOTIONAL MATURITY TO LOOK AT THE PEOPLE WHO CAUSED YOU PAIN AND TO see the purpose of God behind all that they did. You meant it for evil. God meant it for good. And to do see, listen, it is one thing for you to have a meeting like that for closure. Don't worry, I forgive you. Go. But that you bring them into the same palace to look after them. You see the brothers of Joseph, they have mind though. Ask me why. Who was in charge of food in Egypt? You did Egypt they eat food way. Joseph somebody that you were so unkind to is in charge of your food. And Joseph didn't poison them. >> If it was a Nollywood movie, you know, you know what's about to go down. Next thing you see, black screen and to God be the glory. That's the movie end. What kind of largess of heart? Let me tell you something. Even ministries have closed down because even if somebody knew it was still the purpose of God for this thing to continue, I will have to let go of past for this thing to continue. Some people can't do that. You can be a tongue. See, let me tell you something. You can be in a marriage e that started very rough but has a great future. But not many people know how to let go and genuinely forget. Not many people [laughter] who always see visions enter into the heavenly dimension. When they come down, they wicked. >> [laughter] >> See, I'm tired. I'm tired of Christians who know Greek words speak in tongues. See, I wouldn't lie to you. When I counel, please don't get me wrong. The person standing in front of you has a lot to learn too. But come on. Come on now. Come on. You know there was I'll tell you if you agree not to judge me. M >> you listen you don't judge. >> Are you are you are you sure you're not just saying that because you want the gist? You want the gist? There was a case I heard of two weeks ago. And I was like before we cancel him can we beat him? I genuinely wanted I won't tell you, but I'm sure if I tell you, you will agree with me. Before we before we preach to you again, there's supposed beat you not do because why? So I I I have decided because we know Greek, we know Hebrew, we know prayer. In fact, there is a kind of secret arrogance that the average Christian has when he discovers we're talking about relationship. You think uh whatever you're going to say, we've heard about it. It's a lie. If it was true, we have better marriages. So that's [music] why one of the things I'm really going to emphasize except if the Lord moves me otherwise throughout the month of February I'm teaching on emotional intelligence. That's what I'm going to do. You see and what I'm doing is you see wisdom is the application of knowledge. You can know the story of Joseph and not be able to apply it to your own context. Ask yourself honestly if you want to grow. If I were in Joseph's shoes, understand this. He can kill his brothers and nothing will happen. In fact, if he explains to Pharaoh what those people did, I don't think Pharaoh knew. Do you know that's another school of his own? It is one thing to forgive but to also not tell others for fear that they will not forgive what you are forgiving. You know a lot of people, oh my god, a marriage that you want to continue, you are busy telling people, everyone the weakness of your spouse and now God has helped you. You've moved on but people have not moved on. Now when your husband enters church or your wife enters church like 20 people are looking at maybe the wife is somewhere worshiping and people are judging at this same man she slap her husband all these people [laughter] what is emotional intelligence emotionally emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive. Accurately perceive, interpret, and regulate. Don't put the hand yet. Let me add one more. Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive, interpret, regulate, and respond to emotions. and respond to emotions, both yours and other people's in a way that produces wisdom, not damage. Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately perceive, interpret, regulate, and respond to emotions, both yours and other people's, in a way that produces wisdom and not damage. And one thing I want to really focus on for this evening is emotional regulation. You can be committed in church and not be emotionally oh my god. And if you don't learn this thing on time, you will land in serious trouble. You know, one video that I watched online changed my life. Changed my life because it showed me how the quality of your life can change in one moment just by decisions. Somebody riled this guy up. He was so angry. I'm sure if I was there and they explained the situation to me, the anger was legitimate. But now he's so angry. They're trying to hold him back and he won't listen. Everybody is trying to beg him in his anger. Now the other guy is obviously a fool because the other guy is still talking. What do you go do? You know people like that. What you going do? And now because you don't have the emotional security not to care what people think. You must prove a point at all at all costs. He carried one rock, threw it on the guy's head. The guy fell flat and died on the spot. Now when I saw his face, I knew instantly instant regrets. But you can't reverse it. You can't re there are some people you see that emotional regulation just calm down. Calm down. Calm down. One thing life will teach you is that some people are important to your destiny who won't treat you well. They won't treat you well, but they important to your destiny. This order for behavior, one day you will have a boss in this economy. You just use vest. What is it? Say your employment letter. Go. You going to need calm down. Oh, this habit of talking unfiltered. I say I say my mind. I said what I said. I mean with my full chest. You think is bravery. is foolishness. It's foolishness. It's foolishness. This life is very deep. Very deep. [laughter] Very deep. You know, I think it was Pastor Pojo who was saying something. There was somebody who was volunteering at his office. She was at least by the report of others badly behaved and many times they were pressing him to sack her and something just told him just leave her alone. Leave her alone. And one thing led to another. She relocated out of the country. Something something was working somewhere. And now the TV station told her that she was in charge of slot allocation TV programming and they needed somebody for the religious sector and just called him gave him the slot. That's how he went on TV. Now that was what announced the ministry that same person. I've I've seen [laughter] I've seen opposite examples. Oh, you can abuse somebody on the road. Look at you rubbish. You're going for interview. You just get in there and see the person. They say you are very welcome. Have yours. You just know you have failed already. You can never make it. [laughter] Emotional intelligence. You can read Bible stories and see only the spiritual aspect of it and not see the emotional aspect of it. that as gifted as Joseph was in interpreting dreams, if he did not have the emotional intelligence to look at the sad prisoners and can could tell just by looking that they were going through a tough time and ask them, "What are you going through?" isn't the dream they tell you you interpret. He would have stayed in prison. It's not just gift. It wasn't just his gift. It was emotional intelligence. Five signs of emotional unintelligence. Why are they laugh? You already see the three bullets coming. Number one, constant fighting. emotional unintelligent people. Fighting is the easy thing to do, the lazy thing to do because it takes more energy. And don't feel insulted. More intelligence to sit back, assess the situation, talk through it. It takes intelligence to communicate without escalation. everything now fights. Have you ever started a peaceful conversation that ended in really and like how did we get here? What did I say? What did I say? By the way, I want to give credit these five points. I learned it from someone. Um, I just can't remember the person's name. I wish I could. I always try to do that. Number two, they make everything about themselves. Everything. Have you seen people you cannot even talk to them about what you're going through? It's a competition. Have you seen people argue about who has suffered more in life? Bro, you know I had it tough. There was a week we only had Gary. Bro, you that one are suffering. [laughter] Oh, so you get Gary. [laughter] You know, now let me tell you something. These are soft skills. Soft skills. You may not know these things. See, many people will not tell you these things. Sometimes because they don't know how you take it. Other times because they can't even articulate it. They just know you're weird. And you will be thinking you lack favor because people are just avoiding you. Learn to hear people out. Empathize. Empathize. Number three, they react instead of reflecting. They react instead of reflecting. They can't take honest feedback. No matter how you package it. No matter how you package it. Um, bro, um, you were wrong about what you said about me. And yes, why did you say it that way? I was wrong, but you said it the wrong way, so you are wrong. Now, make no mistake, there is a right way to say things in this series. We are coming there. Not tonight, but we are coming there. I wish I had the time to talk to men and women separately. Number four, they double down on mistakes. You can't get them to acknowledge. When you get them, it has become clear that they were wrong. They will bring something from the past. you too. Is that not what you did two years ago? >> When I was 5 years old. That's how you said. And number five, they constantly cross emotional boundaries. They just can't tell when they doing too much. They can't even tell. They can't tell. They can't read the room. They can't take cues even if you throw it on their head. I told someone something in confidence in in school and maybe he assumed that I I didn't mind him telling everybody but now we're in a place surrounded by people and he wanted to say it. So I was giving him like and I say eh eh eh I say my friend get out [laughter] you know and he was genuinely trying to e oh god I'll be honest with you sometimes round only I don't see his face huh Huh. I'm still amazed. [laughter] It happened 2008, but I'm still amazed. There's a scripture that talks about emotional regulation. I want to show you very quickly. James 4:1. Let me try to move faster so I I can cover quite a bit. It says where do wars and fights come from? You see a lot of married people want want to maybe they've asked this question. Why you always fighting? And every time they have counseling to try to figure out what the other person did wrong or try to get the other person to acknowledge what they did wrong. Where do wars and fights come from? From among you. HE SAYS, "DO THEY NOT COME FROM YOUR DESIRES FOR PLEASURE?" MANY TIME YOU'RE TRYING TO DIAGNOSE THE SITU situation and WHAT THE PERSON SAID WRONG AND WHAT LED TO THAT RESPONSE AND WHAT ELICITATED that kind of feedback. But the Bible says it begins with you. There is something in you that is making you listen to me. Own your anger. You can't keep saying this person makes me angry. There is something about you. Listen to me. The reason why a remote works for a TV is because there is something in the TV built to respond to the remote. That same remote, if you point it to another TV, there won't be any response. The first step to growing emotionally is to own your own response. Own it. own it. Because many times what you don't realize is that your insecurity is subconsciously projected. You now hear in what people are saying, what they never said and you respond to what they never said. And many times that's how escalations happen. And that's why you're like, have you ever said something calm, honest, sincere, and the person is riled up and you're like, what's going on? The diagnosis of James is this. There is a desire for pleasure that is unmet. The next verse says you lost and you don't have. So now there's some trauma that you are dealing with and you are projecting on everyone. Um, come please come quickly come put your hands together for him. Ah why you on dress well ah today I did not wear my own baggy there's one baggie I've been wearing lately for do aura for aura you look amazing now imagine pay attention imagine someone came to you and said oh your green shirt ugly I don't like it you see his response unmoved now why didn't you react cuz I wasn't bothered by the compliment. No, you they speak English now because I don't hype you now. [laughter] [laughter] Don't worry, bro. I understand. Milk the moment. So, [laughter] no. So, I I'm trying to tease you. I'm trying to tease you. I'm trying to criticize you, but I'm saying your your green shirt. What kind of green shirt is this? Why are you How do you think about that? >> I mean, I'll feel bad about it. [laughter] I think now you're overthinking. Thank you. Let me let me get Let me use someone else. Thank you. Come come. You come. Put your hands together for him. Don't worry. Listen, on this stage, sometimes there's a temptation to want to anticipate what I'm trying to drive at. So, you just be be yourself. I'm saying, "What kind of red jacket is this?" H ugly. I don't like your red jacket. >> It's not a red jacket. It's brown. >> So, because it's not a red jacket, you are not bothered. You're not bothered. I mean, if you're going to plot your hair, at least do it. Well, now he's laughing. Now, tell me why that made you laugh. I cut my hair. I didn't place my hair. Let's Let me tell you something. If anyone ever says anything to you that you genuinely believe is untrue, it will not hurt you. But if I look at you and say you you're such a fool, I think you're a fool. >> Now you see he's squinted his eyes because subconsciously wait to don't conclude for me. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Whatever you rise to defend might be a pointer to a hidden insecurity. >> That's all I wanted to show you. So, it is emotional regulation. There's a video I wish I could play it for you. It was one guy at a dating show. I don't really like those shows. He's bust your balloon. Thank you very much. Put your hands kind of. So now it just looked like this girl was trying to wash this guy. I mean there is something about the game itself that puts you in that mode. So I don't really judge blame her. I judge her but I don't blame her. You understand the difference? But it was the way the guy responded. Even I learned from it. I mean, I just feel like your hair is rubbish and I just feel like you you don't have enough vocabulary in how many minutes conversation. And the guy just said, "Well, I respect that. I'm from Chicago. I'm proud of my roots. I grew up rough. But I challenged myself. I got an educated an education. I'm educated. So, but I respect your opinion. Boom. And I was like, so I'm like, oh man, he's more born again than me. You not go forgive me. You go wait [laughter] I going tell you God is say come let's go through disciplehip again. See that? [laughter] No I'm just joking. [laughter] Here is something you probably have never heard. It takes a certain amount of intelligence to have a happy home. And I'm not talking book smart, talking emotional intelligence. Have you ever been in a heated situation and your response can either break that relationship? You just some of you know like what I say now. [laughter] What I say now [laughter] will will make or mark this relationship and different different people will respond differently because People only understand you from the level of their perception. So that's why even conflict resolution can be hard because you're trying to run through the situation. This happened, I said this, it escalated. Maybe we should have done this. But you can't arrive at anything. And to emotionally unintelligent people, reality is optional. If they feel you hate them, you can scarcely convince them otherwise. You can't present facts. You can't help them see from another angle. They just paint every situation with the same brush. Come on. Are you listening to me? >> And one of the lessons we're going to do this coming month, we're going to talk about manipulation. It it needs it needs a class of his own because I mean, let's be honest, it's the easy way out. When you're in conflict with somebody and you want the person to know how hurt you are by what the person is doing, the easy way out is to go one extreme. Maybe threaten the person. You're in a marriage, small courage, just say fine, let's get a divorce. You don't want the divorce. Oh, but you think that that's going to pain the person. What what do you want? So the person will say okay okay leave this argument oh you're sorry now just there's a name for it it's called manipulation and there are many people who said such a thing in anger one day and the person said okay AH TURN YOU know And you now hear something like, "What do you mean?" Okay. So, you can't even That one sounds like one gender. I'm not judging. What was that? That's why I said we need a separate class. >> [laughter] >> I was listening to a man talk about this and that was the go-to response every time he and his wife were arguing. And one day he said that same thing and his wife responded in a way that end his respect forever. He said, "All right, let's get a divorce." She said, "I'm not leaving you ever. I'm not I'm not leaving you. We will fix this problem either today, tomorrow, or whenever you're ready. But this marriage will work. You see this marriage will work. What do we know?" And that see sometimes we respond to trauma with trauma. So because we don't want to feel taken for granted, we now pretend to the person that the marriage doesn't matter to us. Don't do that. Emotional intelligence, like I said, you are going to need to study it. See, this one is hard because gifts of the spirit, just read on it, pray about it, you receive it. Bam. But when you're talking about changing character, things about you that are idiosyncratic, that are your comfort zone. Some people violence is their comfort zone. They like war. They like war. It's their default. Listen to me. Marriage Let me tell you something. If you are a Christian, when you get married, you will know. >> It will test you. You're fruit of the spirit. They go squeeze and use and do smoothie. Yes, you will squeeze your last fruits, [laughter] you know. I'm telling you and and it will challenge you to either grow or get worse. You know, there was a day ah no job You know there was a day something happened in the house and I responded away. Then when I entered the bedroom I said I sat on the chair I said am I saved like what was that? No the shame gather me. I won't lie to you. >> [laughter] >> It will test your last fruit. I'm telling you and you'll get the opportunity to grow or to run away. You see, part of emotional intelligence is just studying seasons in marriage. There's a book on that seasons in marriage by the same guy that wrote um Love Language, right? Gary Chapman. I I think it's a good book. See what what did I say is emotional intelligence? Look at the definition again and read it to me. One, two, go. Listen. Have you ever seen someone teach and it was like word of knowledge? It was like a diagnosis of your situation. That's what discernment does. That's what discernment does. You know, I'll never forget, you know, there was a couple who came to my office. The husband had done something very wrong. You know, so when he just came, he just came quiet. Everything I said, he was agreeing. I said, "I know what you're doing." I said, "First and foremost, either one of your parents or both of your parents were not present. It was like of knowledge and it wasn't." He said, "You're absolutely right." I said, "Your personality type, the character you're exhibiting is called avoidant attachment. Vulnerability makes you want to run away. You feel unsafe. Listen to me. Have you ever Have you ever almost dated somebody who will come with full force then disappear? >> They will love bomb you, >> text you. ask you on dates then. Now there are many reasons why. There are many reasons why it is either he's running a shift system. There are five guys and that week was your turn. >> [laughter] >> I don't know why he's a laugh. You know that week was your turn. So he's preparing you to be another concubine of Solomon or there are just some people my God. Now those kind of people you will notice that when you pull away now they now come. And then when you open up to them, they start running away. So it's just back and forth, back and forth. Listen, safety, vulnerability is unsafe to them because in their childhood, they were trained not to depend on anybody. They were trained. They got used to daddy not being there, mommy not being there. And to survive, to cope in life, they now develop thick skin, built walls. So when somebody wants to evade their space, they feel uncomfortable. The reason why when you pull away, they now come is because at least now they in control. So they can measure it. When you're the one coming with full force, they they don't know what to do. that one eh it's a long journey to recovery long journey and many times I can pick it in few seconds few seconds so somebody who has avoid that attachment in counseling he will agree with you I was wrong [laughter] the guy don't already agree Do you understand? So he was just nodding. He didn't talk. I said, "I know what you are doing." And when I spoke to him, it was like I poured cold water on him. Discernment eh is both a social skill and a spiritual gift. And that's why when somebody's walking with the high social skill, you will feel seen. It's like word of knowledge. It's almost as if the person say, "Do I know you before?" celebrate grace. You know, it's it's X-ray. X-ray. I'm rounding off in one of the classes. I will tell you why some people, 90% of people who cheat, there's a reason. And if you if you learn the reason, you'll be able to pick people even from dating who will likely do it. is a very simple thing. People pleasers will likely cheat. >> There are three reasons why. I'll give you two for time sake. Are you ready? Yes, sir. number one because they are people pleasers. They are used to not prioritizing their needs. So subconsciously they are not receiving in the relationship and you liking them is more important than you trusting them. So if they if they have vulnerabilities and insecurities they will hide it from you. And now a lot of emotions are suppressed. They have a partner that is picture perfect that ticks all the boxes, but they feel like they've lost a version of themselves and they will go and look for a place outside where they can feel like themselves. That's what I'm telling. That's number one. Number two reason is when the temptation comes, you can tell that this person is after you, they don't have the nerve to draw the boundaries because they are people pleasers. Because they're people pleasers. That's why I don't like to touch on things. I don't know how you lured me into mentioning this. I I will get deeper next time. But these are things that you can point out and fix early. So again, you can be full of the spirit and not know this. And guess what? If you are married to somebody who has those tendencies, you might be pushing this. See, listen, anybody who cheats is never your fault. The person, do you understand what I'm saying? It's never your fault. But listen, with discernment, you can help each other out because a lot of women actually don't listen to men. They don't listen. They don't listen. We'll talk about this another time. [laughter] Let me tell you something. Make sure Make sure both men and women can express themselves. Tell you exactly. Stop sweeping things under the rug for. Do you understand? Make sure that neither of you is losing themselves to save the marriage that is already setting a trap for the person. Because most of these people, the way the devil sets it up, they're not trying to replace you. It's just an aspect of themselves that they've lost. So somebody you have the security you you a you a great mom, great or great dad and great everything, but somebody will just bring the spark just the excitement and it's convenient. See another thing, people with avoidant attachments will likely cheat because ungodly relationships unfortunately are their comfort zone. No strings attached because they don't like safety. You just keep business and move on. So when you point out all those things and you deliberately start healing and do it on time that's the way out of that come on are you listening to me >> sir >> so the final things I want to say so how do you become emotionally mature I just want to point out A few things. Number one, you have to practice. Practice. Practice. It will take practice. You see that thing you do where a friend says something you don't like and you block them for two weeks. You go need work on ammo. You go need work on her. You must come to a point where you have enough emotional awareness to only block people that you want out of your life for good. For God's sake, why are you blocking the person you are dating? Why are you blocking? What are you doing? Listen, listen, listen. Practice handling uncomfortable conversations, uncomfortable emotions, especially initially, it will look like you will die. That's practice it. When you sit and you want to run away, sit. Change your breathing patterns. Breathe in. Breathe out. Calm down. [clears throat] Again, I'm telling you, you can be very spiritual and not know these things. Why you blocking people? That's a dysfunction right there. It's a convenient thing to do to escape. And if care is not taken, you will start doing that in marriage. Small thing. You just pack your load. [laughter] Let me tell you something. Don't help the devil do his job. People outside where don't they jealous your marriage before make it easy for some idiot out there. Sit down and fix that situation. Talk through it. And there are ways to handle conflict resolutions. See what happens in many marriages. is is this there will usually be one person who likes to handle issues immediately and then there will be one person who moves on by cooling off sweeping it under the rug for a while. So now those two people somehow they usually get married. [laughter] Now their problem they because one person cannot get over it until you talk it through. The other person cannot get over it until they calm down. They want to settle and think
It through and all of that. Now one person cannot sleep. [laughter] You see say this thing be like word of knowledge. [cheering] YOU SEE MARRIED PEOPLE SHOUTING. [laughter] One person cannot sleep. As you are now sleeping they will be looking at you like are you so evil? SERIOUS MATTER. SOMEBODY SAY EXACTLY SERIOUS MATTER. THEY LIKE YOU THEY SLEEP. The sleep will be annoying them. Just my friend wake up. Ah, you will not hear. We need to talk. That's another thing.
We see that's why I said we need separate classes. Ladies, let me tell you something. Maybe you don't know. If you don't want your husband's high blood pressure to spike, know they text that thing. When you want to talk, come pull a chair and talk. Don't allow the man be driving. You see text? We need to talk. AH, [screaming] DO YOU WANT TO KILL HIM? He will start assessing his life. When he grew up, when you met, what did I say? Did I agree to you? Don't wound him. We need when you want to talk, talk. Men, am I speaking well?
So I lensed this somewhere and it really helped. It really helped. It really helped. The way forward is the middle ground for that person in that marriage that cannot move on until they have closure. You cannot be so inconsiderate as to just sweep it under the rug and and adjourn till till 4 days. You can't do that. You can't do that. So if such a person comes to you and says I don't really like how our last conversation went and and you say I'm not ready to talk about it now. >> [laughter] >> Both of you have to give you you have to meet at the middle. So you just say promise to bring it up when you're ready. And the person says and you will keep your word. See, and listen, it won't be some unknown date like the second coming of Christ. Pick a place and a time. You know what? We'll talk over it. We'll talk about it over dinner. 6:00 p.m. this evening. That's fine. In fact, I saw somewhere this is this is what they now recommended. Okay. So, what do you want from me for now? And the person say, I just want space. The other person says, what do you want from me from now? I just want to know when you're ready to talk about this. Okay. So 6 p.m. we talk about this in the sitting room state the place state the time so that the person can breathe. So they will be like, "Okay, at least do you understand? I I know we're going to talk about this." Don't just move on. Carrying face singing worship songs that I shared. I am married to Jesus. Say darling I know you they do religious beef holy anger.
So I said practice time is fast spent. So I'll just mention the rest and then practice and part of practicing which leads me to number two is diagnose your trauma and deal with it decisively. Deal with it early. Deal with it early. I know you're tongue speaking, born again, you know, and all of that. There are some personality tests you should do. It doesn't take away from anything. Go on Google, search attachment style test. Do it. Do it. And then start working. You see when you when you do stuff stuff like that, you will understand why you act the way you act. Let me tell you something. Do you know it's even been proven psychologically that your position of birth affects the way you act in marriage. I'm counseling a couple just by their behavior sitting last born, first born, middleorn. I'm telling you, we'll get to that. It's part of discernment to place yourself and place people. It will take a lot of studying. You will read news flash. You want a happy home. It will take effort. It should go without saying. But some people just have fantasies that let's just butterflies. It's not going to work that way. You will study. And that's number three. You will buy books, invest in books. See, let me tell you something. When you understand seasons in marriage, you will understand that many people ended their marriage just at the verge of a breakthrough. Because there are some hurdles that when you cross at year seven of the marriage, that marriage will last forever. Sometimes it's just some seasons and some of these things are just just psychology. There are stages of team building and team bonding. So when you understand these things, when you begin to see it in your marriage, you know, okay, this is what is happening. It gives you clarity. It gives you clarity. And when you talk to other people, you will now know that marriages are more alike than you realize. Some of those things are normal. Even pastors they go through and they know tell you. I mean we never quarrel you know just uh we just have very serious conversations and when PL shares our opinion I say bless you. No trust me. [laughter] What is number one? >> What is number two? >> What is number three? >> If you have not read 10 books on marriage, you're not ready for marriage. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. I am not trying to motivate you. See the things I learned, the things I learned. In fact, just this short conversation, the things we've we've talked about, it just tells you that the more you know, the more you stand a chance. There is how to talk to a woman. There is how to talk to a man. If you don't know it, you don't know it. You know, and sometimes my wife and I are counseling people. She said we just when the woman says I said this I already know what I smile we don't look at each other smile say they talk to man because men accept criticism instead of being changed by If you call him irresponsible, he will agree with you and stop trying to be responsible. He deep [laughter] and you think that by telling him he will change. It's the opposite. He will stop trying. You stop trying. There is a way to talk to women are more powerful than they realize. Oh my god.
We'll continue this on Sunday. The last point is pray. You go need pray. Oh some of these things is Satan. I'm not joking. Satan. Satan. >> [laughter] >> You know there's a pastor should I tell you this now? There's a pastor you know you know when I share testimonies of Kyros sometimes I I don't like it at all because God forces me to do things like when he wants me to get close to somebody that maybe normally are not really bad like that. He he would just be aggressive about it. There was this person our paths our paths crossed about three or four times in one week. Somebody I don't want to talk to I just sat on a plane like this. He sat by my side by my side in full plane. 1 hour awkward like this or for aura [laughter] for a goosey. We were invited to preach somewhere. He was supposed to preach first day with another person. I supposed to preach third day, fourth day with another person. First day he was in traffic 7 hours. So they moved the session same day as me. Now the the person who was supposed to preach fourth day with me something happened. He had to travel. They moved him first day. Now this is what made me know the devil is very crazy. Part of the things that made me feel like you know what I mean I've tried I never talk to this person again is because we met somewhere there was a training we met years ago and there was another top pastor in that in this in this country who was in that training. So when we were talking some two years ago this other pastor said I'm surprised you don't know this guy. We're all in this place together and I asked him if he knew you and he said he doesn't know you. I said he does not know me. I said I have been to his house many times. So the person was like what is going on? So now I was very angry because some things had happened. I tried a lot of things to reconcile and now the person is still saying you don't know me. So fine. So somebody So that day after the after the preaching we're in the green room. [laughter] So he said you preach well. I said thank you. You say you two preach well. [laughter] I mean, so he now says, "So why aren't we close?" I said, "You are asking me that?" So the host just grabbed both of us. [laughter] Now this is what made me say the I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Now, what did that other person say? He said he does not know you. When I challenged him about that, you know what he said? He said in that place, he didn't know me then. So, in the context of the conversation, oh, this guy was in this place. Did you know? And he said, no, I didn't. I didn't know him. You get what I'm saying? So when he was telling me, he related in a different way and I got angry. You don't know me care now. So it's those little things sometimes is the devil. I'm telling you sometimes is not see emotional intelligence has its place. Sometimes we are not ignorant of the devil's devices. We are not. We are not. It's warfare. Pray and cast the devil out. I'm telling you, pray. Don't have enough time to talk about that.
But did you did you learn anything today? >> All right. Since we're talking about prayer, we can at least pray for 3 minutes and call it a day. Please stand to your feet. [cheering] When I like Jesus, listen. I want three people to tell me what you learned and what you will practice. Raise your hands. Please come. Thank you. One, two, three. All right. Oh, someone from that side. Okay. Yeah. Come. Please make it fast though. No long story. All right. Is that mic on? Hi everyone. Good evening. My name is Junior and what I learned from today is that you have to practice it. If you're going to exhibit emotional regulation, you have to actually do it. Even when it seems difficult, conversations, you have to have them and you have to learn to discern. That's what I learned today. >> Thank you very much. Well done. >> Praise the Lord. Um my name is Queen and I learned that we should not um do avoidance like if there is a problem, you need to communicate about it. continue to talk about it and resolve it rather than running away from it. Praise God. >> Hallelujah. >> Good evening, sir. My name is Benjamin and today I learned that I must diagnose my trauma early and learn about it to not affect my marriage. >> Thank you. >> So the last person is here right can give give her. >> Good evening. My name is Ky. Um, I learned to diagnose my problem and then know the part I played in any situation and know how to work around it going forward. >> All right. So, listen. Um, accept the areas where you are in novice. Accept it. You are a great person. You just struggle with unforgiveness and deliberately stay on that, pray through it, deal with it. Praise the Lord. >> So that your Joseph story will also have a happy ending. I think it was two years ago October at least five times the Lord [music] said I've blessed you too much to be petty blessed you too much blessed all this power raised you up then Joseph [music] you the blessing of God you want to use it to wipe your entire family in revenge you can't do that hallelujah 3 minutes ask the Lord for help Help me. Help me. Cuz when the oceans rise and thunder roar, I will soar with you above the stars. Father, you are king over the floor. I will be [music] still and know you >> when the oceans rise and the [singing] soul. [music] I will sow in [singing] you above the stars. Father, you [singing] work [music] over. >> Ask him for help. >> Ask him for help. >> I will [music and singing] be still know you. [singing] >> That's a song of emotional regulation right there. Be still [music] and know you [singing] are God. >> Be [music] still [singing] and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know. [music] You don't have to reply everything yourself. Sometimes [music] let God be still. >> There are am God. [singing] Be [music] still that I am God. receive [singing] and know that I am God. >> Hallelujah. Thank you [music] Jesus. Father, we thank you. We love you. Thank you, Father. Thank you father. Glory, glory, glory to your name. We are a people helped by you. We are getting better and we are changing. We are improving and the people around us especially our spouse they see the improvement. getting better in you and