Transcription
Craig Ferguson has a reputation as one of the most fun, charming flirts in Hollywood. Some female celebrities would go on his show just for the chance to flirt with him. Me? Yes, I heard you're a big flirt, and I like flirting. I really didn't want to do any more talk shows, but my publicist sent me some tapes of you, and then I developed a small crush.
While Craig has clear advantages, like being a famous TV host, a lot of what he does can be done by anybody who wants to be more attractive in conversation. Specifically, Craig has seven habits that can help you build chemistry with anyone. Learning just a few of these habits will let you go into any conversation with confidence, knowing people are going to love flirting with you. And if you end up with a talk show one day, you'll know your personality will get you reactions like this: "I just want you to know, really for real, I have about 25 girlfriends who are madly in love with you who are really upset that I'm here and they're not."
The first thing you'll notice about Craig is that he starts almost every conversation in a fun, positive way. Most people we interact with have boring conversation habits, so being around someone who makes us laugh and feel good is almost like a drug; we want to be around that person all the time. One way Craig does this is with a high-energy, enthusiastic compliment: "You look sensational! I mean, sensational! Thank you! Look at you! Look at you, woman! You look sensational! Hello, Karen. How lovely to see you." "Nice to see you too. You look absolutely enchanting." The first thing to notice is Craig's word choice. Most people giving a compliment would just say, "You look great." This is boring. By using more unique words like "enchanting" and "sensational," your compliment is much more likely to light someone up.
That said, a good flirty conversation doesn't have to start with a compliment. The second, and more important, piece of Craig's charm is his effusive, positive energy. In your own life, a good rule of thumb is to start a conversation with just a bit more energy than most people in a setting. So, at a loud bar, that may mean being really big with your body language and voice, but in a coffee shop, it can be as subtle as a smile and speaking 20% louder than most people there.
This is complimented well by Craig's second habit: over-the-top teasing. "Have you ever been to Scotland?" "No, I'm… I… I have. I haven't seen… Oh, wait, wait. I forgot. You forgot my homeland! What the hell! I went to Edinburgh!" Nothing but compliments is boring; non-stop teasing can make you seem like a jerk, but when you marry the two, you create a fun rollercoaster of emotion.
If you're not quite sure how to tease someone while flirting, there are two easy teases you can steal from Craig. The first is asking a rhetorical question that assumes something absurd about her. Here's two quick examples: "As a member of the non-tattooed community, I find tattoos fascinating. Really? Yeah. Are you interested in getting one?" "No, really? Why? Why do you hate America?" and "You can… you drink coffee when you're pregnant? You can? I think you can have a cup. I don't drink coffee because you don't. It makes me crazy." "How long have you been in Al-Qaeda?" If you're going to do this, you want to make sure your question is obviously absurd, like being in Al-Qaeda. This makes it more likely to make her laugh, and it makes it clear that you're being playful, so you can be confident you won't come off like a jerk.
Another easy tease is to call out when the person says something cliché. Here's an example of a cliché call-out: "I have a gluten allergy, so I can't really eat…" "You have a gluten allergy? That's so unusual to hear from an actress." "No, it's for real, for real." If you tease someone with a cliché call-out, you're very likely to see them try to justify why they're different and not like the cliché. It creates a frame where they're basically trying to get you to like them or think they're unique. You saw that at the end of that last clip, and here's another example of it again: "I'm not really a vegan yet, but I'm working on it." "Do you know how many girls I've had?" "Really?" "Okay." This type of teasing doesn't have the same absurdity shield, so reserve the cliché call-out for clichés that people won't be insecure about.
Craig has another habit that makes his teasing well-received rather than hurtful: he'll call himself out as well. [Music] By teasing yourself as well as other people, you make it clear that it's not actually a critique and you're just saying whatever comes to mind that makes you laugh. If teasing intimidates you, you can start by focusing on something more foundational: the habit of being playfully absurd. Playfulness is a key part of flirting. In this next clip, notice how the joke doesn't just make her laugh; it immediately changes the tone of the conversation: "Fries are from Belgium, aren't they?" "Yes." "Belgium is everything bad for you: fries, chocolate, waffles, Black Tower… heroine… black tar heroine…" Most people would have chimed in with something else. Belgium is actually known for… it's a common mistake.
When flirting, it's a common mistake to think of the goal of the conversation as simply exchanging information. The reason teasing and being playfully absurd help build chemistry is because there's another goal when flirting, which is to create emotions. To be like Craig, you want to focus on creating a conversation that's fun and establish that you're more playful than most people. This helps tremendously with the thing Craig is probably most famous for. It's optional, but it's a huge part of Craig's attractive persona and the chemistry he creates with his guests. Craig creates an environment where people feel safe being flirty and sexual. Watch this clip of Josh Stone, and you'll see even she's surprised at what she's willing to say after 20 minutes talking to Craig. "But it's Valentine's Day, so you can squirt whatever you want." "No, you can. No, you can… cream…" [Laughter] [Applause] Clearly, she feels freer than normal and more willing to say inappropriate things just for fun. How does he do this? There are several ways. One is to go there first on your own, with a joke that isn't about them. Here's an example of how Craig works sex into a conversation in a way that feels natural rather than creepy: "She doesn't do that." "Yeah, I like to talk about it." "She punches you right in the face." "That's what I… yeah, if I ask for it nicely…" [Laughter] Craig probably could have gotten a similar laugh with a joke like, "She's small, but she packs a wallop," but he specifically makes jokes about dating or sex to see if the other person jumps in and plays along. If they don't, no sweat. If they do, it becomes much easier for you to build sexual chemistry. That particular joke also implies that Craig is non-judgmental about kinks; that non-judgmentalness encourages the other person to feel comfortable joining in. Here's another example. Notice how casual his tone is: "Oh, I… I… because you know I'm sensitive… Are you into S&M?" "I'm not really…" "That's a good segway. I'm just saying… Are you? Do you like a little bit?" "A little bit." "Just a little bit? Just a little bit, like a hair pull?" He asks it like he asks any other question, like it's no big deal, and suddenly they've gone from having a normal conversation to discussing what they like in the bedroom.
That said, bringing up sex runs the risk of seeming creepy, so you'll have to calibrate. Another way to make this more likely to go well is to playfully misinterpret something so that she was the one who took the conversation sexual. Here are two quick examples: "Yeah, I think I like it." "Yeah, me too. I had a lot of fun on the back of a horse." "I've got a really cool garden. Why wouldn't I dance in it?" "Do you garden? Do you have a compost heap?" "I do garden, but not as regularly as I would like…" But we're still talking about gardening. Playfully misinterpreting something she says is sexual gives her the opportunity to talk about her dating or sex life, and because you used humor and framed it like she was the one hinting at it, if she doesn't want to talk about it, she can just laugh and move on without it creating any awkwardness. If joking about these things isn't something you feel comfortable with, you can still use this style of playful misinterpretation to make people laugh and like being around you. For instance, watch how Craig uses misinterpretation after asking if Yvonne surfs: "I do a lot of adventurous things, but water is not one of my best friends." "I'm not… not down with water." "Really? Yeah. What do you do when it's thirsty time?" These platonic jokes are still good for building a connection because they make it fun to be around you.
Another way that Craig creates a flirtatious vibe is with innuendo. He'll say something that's technically innocent but could have a double meaning. Watch here as he critiques Mila Kunis for her harmonica technique: "Take your time. Take your time. Don't just rush in there blowing and sucking and chewing. Take your time." That's wildly inappropriate, except it isn't, which is why it gets such a big laugh for Mila. One thing with any of these misinterpretations or innuendos: you don't need to linger on them. Watch in this next clip how Craig makes it work together. She asks him if he ever loses his cool on set, and he starts with an over-the-top compliment, then switches to an innuendo before… "I… I lose it during the show. I'm losing it now. When I saw your shoes, I was like, 'I've lost it!'" "You have?" "I've lost… I know where it is." "You do?" "I've got a rough idea." "Yeah." "Now…" Watch how, even though Moon is ready to play along, Craig's already moved on to something new: "No, I don't know where it is. You were… that's a very interesting name, Moon." "Thank you." "What's your… uh… ancestry? Then… what's… what's that?" By not lingering, Craig shows he's flirty and inappropriate mostly to amuse himself, which makes him much more attractive. Once you see it's well-received, you can come back to it again with a different joke and stay on the topic for longer. With innuendo, misinterpretations, and absurdity, what you'll often see is that Craig will be the first person to make a joke sexual, but once he does, the other person is happy to join in. And it's not just female guests he does this with; for example, watch this interaction with Chris Pine: "You have harmonicas?" "Yeah." "Do you blow the mouth organ?" "I… I do." "You blow the mouth organ? How do you think I got this job?"
Teasing, absurdity, misinterpretation, innuendo… Craig does so much; it can seem overwhelming. If none of these are habits for you already, you don't have to panic. Rather than try to master them all at once, pick whichever one seems the most fun to you and focus on building that habit first. So, let's say you most enjoy Craig's absurdity. Next time you have a conversation with a stranger, even with a friend, focus on finding just one thing you can say that's playfully absurd. Make it a game for yourself. If you want to give yourself an edge in the game, watch 10 minutes of Craig videos before the conversation to prime your brain to be in that state. Purposely doing this several days in a row will make it easier and easier for you to do it without thinking. By starting in conversations with friends rather than beautiful women, you take the pressure off yourself, and you make it easier for you to build the habit.
This ties well with the next thing that lets Craig confidently flirt with anyone he's attracted to, which is that he flirts with the world. Craig's charming, flirty personality isn't something he only turns on when talking to a woman he's interested in sexually. He flirts with every woman that's on the show, and while he tones it down with men, he's still happy to use innuendo or even loudly compliment a man's looks: "Hello, Craig. You look really nice." "These likes… these are… well… well, thank you." Flirting with the world helps you for a number of reasons. If a woman sees everyone around you laughing, it makes you more attractive. If you see someone you're attracted to, it'll be easier to approach them because you're already in an outgoing, playful state. And if the way you interact with a woman you're attracted to matches the energy and playfulness you interact with everyone else, it's much more likely to feel natural and much less likely to seem creepy.
That fear of seeming creepy is a big reason why many people feel nervous to flirt. To make sure you aren't seen as creepy, there's another habit you can steal from Craig: his leaned-back body language. A common body language mistake that makes people uncomfortable is leaning in closely when you speak. Completely agnostic of any politics, this is the best example I could think of to show how leaning in can make someone uncomfortable. When you lean in like that, it can feel trapping, especially if you follow as they lean away to create space. By contrast, if you lean back, you make it clear that you aren't trapping them and you wouldn't follow if they chose to walk away. You still want to get comfortable with some level of physical touch if you want to build chemistry with someone, but that can be done with high fives, shoulder touches, or hugs. If you want to learn more about touch, we go into detail about it in our video, "How to be Popular Without Trying," which we'll link to in the description.
Craig has one more trick that lets him confidently flirt with anyone: he has purposefully gotten comfortable with his worst-case scenario on a talk show. The worst thing that can happen is the conversation stalls into a long, awkward pause. So what does Craig do? He purposely creates long, awkward pauses. "I want to do an awkward pause, either consciously as training or just by thinking it's funny." He exposed himself to hundreds of awkward pauses, way longer and more awkward than what we'd ever experienced in conversation, so he has no reason to fear them. This doesn't mean you should go out of your way to make people uncomfortable, but that you should find harmless ways to expand your comfort zone. If you're watching this video, then you're probably interested in meeting someone, so one way to expand your comfort zone is simply to talk to more people. If you aren't sure what to say to start the conversation, two conversation starters you can go with are, "Hey, I don't think I've met you yet. I'm Ben," except say your name, or if you want to take a page out of Craig's book, you can go with something like, "Hey, I know this is totally random, but you're absolutely gorgeous. I'd be kicking myself for the rest of the day if I didn't come find out more about you."
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