Transcription
Okay, you've done your research. You believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are dealing with a narcissist. You know they know you know. Now what? That's why in today's episode, we are going to dive deep into the pathetically predictable pattern you can expect to see when God exposes the narcissist. This pattern will prove to you once and for all that it's not all in your head and give you the clarity that you need to answer the question: do I stay or do I go?
To start, we need to clarify once and for all that it doesn't matter who the potential narcissist may be. What if it's my mother? What if it's my sister? What if it's my husband? What if it's my pastor, parent, partner, pastor, sibling, coworker, or friend? God will expose the narcissist, and then you can expect this. Don't believe me? Just read John 3:20, and here's what it says: "For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed."
No matter who your narcissist is, it's likely that you spent years in confusion, confused by the mixed messages, the lies, the manipulation. And don't even get me started on the gaslighting. Or perhaps you've had so many twisted Bible scriptures thrown at you that you've become a pro at dodgeball. But God, in His faithfulness, has brought you out of that confusion and into clarity. It's like blinders have been removed; you're no longer fooled by the craziness, and you see with crystal clarity that this person only cares about themselves. You're flooded with relief to know you're not crazy.
But then confusion comes a-knockin' because now they know you know. They'll never verbally admit it, but they know that the tide has turned, and unless they have someone else to fall back on, get ready, my friend, it's about to get more toxic. You see, narcissists are very observant people, especially concerning things involving themselves. They will initially get flustered, nasty, defensive, or avoidant. It's these initial reactions that you need to focus on, as you're going to need to refer back to them later in the final phase of their reaction, which we will get to shortly.
After the initial reaction, you can then expect to see a slightly different narcissist. So enter phase one. They will employ any effort necessary to get things back to normal, and this phase is a little easier to detect, as they will go to whatever behavior has worked in the past. If intimidation was high on their success rate, they will come in strong with that. If guilt was the go-to, you'll get an extra dose. Whatever has worked in the past, expect an amped-up version of that as their next reaction.
But hold firm; the ride has just begun. Enter phase two: threats, insults, rage—anything to trigger you so you react. This is done so that they can now look at your toxic reaction and say, "See? You're the problem." If you were more patient, kind, and understanding, if you weren't so nasty, critical, or controlling, then in their mind, they feel better because you've just proven to them, anyway, that your toxic reaction means you're the problem.
But you know better. You're not phased. Nonsense like this would have killed you in the past, but now… mm, get ready. However, for phase three, I have to warn you, my friend: this is where it's going to start to get confusing. This is where you're going to start to let your guard down and bring your hope up. Stick with me.
When the go-to tactics don't work and the entrapment fails, then comes the apology. At this point, you're likely wondering, "Well, maybe they've changed. What if they finally get it?" It is possible, not probable. So I want to prepare you for what will likely be the most confusing of all the stages: the victim that's packaged as an apology.
You see, now they come to you deflated. You've not backed down from their tactics; you've not given in to their manipulation. You've held strong—good for you! But if you're not careful, you can mistake deflation for surrender. Here is where they play the victim because you've triggered their shame response. If you've struggled with an angry narcissist in the past, you may think that they've finally come to themselves because they're so deflated.
Listen to me—come closer. This is what lands most people right back in the lion's den. This is where you may get met with apologies and think, "Wow, we've turned a corner. God can redeem anyone, and maybe my prayers are paying off." Perhaps, but consider this: perhaps it's just a ploy. Your optimism is based upon God's power, not their behavior. Yes, all things are possible with God, but God's power is not in question here—it's the narcissist's behavior that is.
So how do I know the difference? Give it time. Keep holding your boundaries by not allowing things to go back to normal and see how they react. Now, I know that this is the hardest part because you want to believe that they've changed. You want to embrace the person that you've always hoped they would be. But wait! If they are truly repentant, they will understand that they've got a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust, and it's going to take time.
They will no longer blame and justify, but rather they will take responsibility. They will be talking to a pastor or a counselor for an extended period of time. They will constantly seek to understand how they've hurt you and take ownership. Then, wait for it—there's more! You go to counseling together, and after a long period—now I don't have an exact number, but it's longer than six minutes and shorter than six years—then you start to slowly let this person back into your life. Not the same as before because trust still needs to be earned. You do this in small test periods.
Now, you may be saying, "But wait, Chris, that's so much work, and that could take forever! I just want things to go back to better than normal." Be careful, my friend. Your impatience can lead you right back in trouble because you have to give it time to see if they've truly changed as a result of God's exposure. But if they haven't, then their apology is likely nothing more than an improved manipulative attempt to get back into your good graces to get things back to what they want.
So, enter phase four. Now they know that you're not taking the bait. You're not intimidated by their threats, and you no longer rely upon them for your emotional well-being. Their old tactics don't work, so they may say sorry one minute but justify their behavior the next. If you're not careful, you're going to end up right back in the pre-phased confusion because the truth is, they're really not sorry.
Oh, they're sorry that their life was disrupted. And now here's the big one—here's the pattern to watch out for: when they repent and you don't automatically let them back into your good graces, watch what will happen next. They will likely default right back to the initial reaction that you received in phase one. Yep, full circle. They'll blame you; they'll accuse you of being unforgiving.
But my friend, if you stand your ground, God will show you with crystal clarity exactly what you're dealing with. You see, narcissists thrive through convenience—make their life easy and their behaviors easy. They're good! But call them out and watch out. They have no desire to put any effort into a relationship; they honestly believe that their presence alone is all they need to bring to the table.
If you have something they need, they'll likely try to trick you into thinking they've changed. If you don't have something they need, they'll leave. And while all of this can feel incredibly distressing and time-consuming, I want to encourage you through the powerful words found in Romans 8:31: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Look, the thing is, everything I've just told you will leave you feeling confused if you don't understand God's plan in the months following a narcissistic relationship. To learn how to get ready for a Divine detox, go ahead and watch this episode next. And if you are ready to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life, I want to invite you to grab a copy of our free Toxic People's Survival Guide. I'll go ahead and include a link in the description section below.