Transcription
[Applause]
Jimmy, the host, thanks for watching. Thank you for joining us here in Hollywood, California, where we had—it's very kind—we had the Oscars last night, and then we had an earthquake last night. Did you guys feel that? The epicenter was very close to here; it was actually right under Garos's stool, right under his foot there. Did you feel it last night, G?
I did not feel it.
You didn't feel it? Oh, well, YMo had a lot of tequila at the Oscars; he wasn't feeling it. I did not feel anything, nothing, due to the unusually enormous amounts of OIC, uh, wovi Manjaro, and Botox. Not a single body part jiggled here in Hollywood last night. There was no damage. We did exactly what you're supposed to do when an earthquake hits: immediately text everyone you know, ask if they felt it, and you find out they did, and you move on. And I have to say, after a night of glamour and lapel pins shaped like a horse, it was good to be reminded of what really matters, which is the fact that at any moment the Earth could open up and swallow us all. It doesn't matter who you are or what you're wearing; even Timothy Shalame isn't safe.
Right now, across the street at the Dolby Theatre, Adrien Brody is just wrapping up his acceptance speech. Adrien Brody won Best Actor for his work in *The Brutalists*, which, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, he gave—gave the longest acceptance speech in Oscars history—even longer than that free-form poetry drama Will Smith did after karate-slapping Chris Rock. Brody's speech was so long he got played off the stage twice. The first time they tried to play him off, he told them to stop, so the band stopped. Who knew you could even do that? And then he gave like another minute and a half.
The best bit of the night was the first bit in the category of Supporting Actor. Kieran Culkin won for his role in the movie *A Real Pain*. He used the speech to remind his wife that she'd promised him another baby. She said, "If you ever win the Oscar, we can have a fourth kid." And we have good news: Adrien Brody's speech went on so long the Culkens were able to conceive and deliver a six-pound baby girl. Her name's Anora. Anora Culkin. Anora was the big winner last—I—or got five Oscars, including Best Picture. Conan O'Brien did a great job as host of the Oscars. They said—I read today—Conan did such a good job, the Oscars announced that next year they're giving it to Jay Leno to host, which is—speaking of giving—this is apparently giving; apparently the word of the year now, at least for those working the red carpet.
You know what I have to say on this carpet? Selena Gomez is giving us Hollywood bombshell. She was giving us some body; okay, she was giving us some sparkle. It's giving like, right now I'm on an island somewhere where—right?—Margaris is giving us classic Hollywood glamour. The hair is giving sexy. She's giving us a little high-low look. It's giving me high-fashion Little Red Riding Hood, and as much drama as this giving, she's still wearing it; it's not wearing her. The hair is giving; it's giving sexy; it's giving royal; it's giving very, like, you know, skirts—ski—that whole, you know, moment. She's giving me ballerina; giving very powerful. We're giving red and volume. That was giving. Alphab birth flew into the—it's giving panther; it's giving cheetah; it's giving—what I have to say, I—I hate it so much I can't—it's giving me a brain aneurysm. I just please stop that, please. I don't ask for much.
Donald Trump was not at the Oscars, but he and JD Vance are already front-runners for next year after their performance on Friday in the Oval Office. As I'm sure you know, the meeting with Trump and President Zelenskyy of Ukraine was about as embarrassing as it gets. This might have been Trump's most mortifying moment yet, and this is a guy who suggested we inject bleach into our bodies. Vladimir Zelenskyy, the president of Ukraine, who even his most bitter enemies would admit he's been courageous during this unprovoked attack on his people, gets invited to Washington to meet with Trump. Trump cooks up this plan to force him to sign a deal that will turn over access to their valuable minerals to the United States in exchange for—for our support. But this shakedown—I mean, this meeting got off to—got off to a weird start before it even started. Shut—he's all dressed up today. Okay, this is when I knew we were headed for trouble; this was not going to be a good meeting. Everyone knows Donald Trump prefers his leaders shirtless and on a horse. But this fun little—this fun little remark—and Brian Glenn, one of the low-rent right-wing reporters they now welcome to the White House to pepper Zelenskyy with what was, perhaps, the most obnoxious, antagonistic, and petty question ever asked of a world leader who was invited to the Oval Office. Pay attention to Secretary of State Marco Rubio here, because the look on his face says everything you need to know.
"Why don't you wear a suit? Why don't you wear a suit? You're the highest level in this country's office, and you refuse to wear a suit. Just want to see if you—do you own a suit? Yeah, yeah. Have problems? A lot of Americans have problems with you not respecting—"
"I don't have—I will wear a costume after this war will finish. Okay? Yes, maybe one, maybe something like yours. Yes."
So that was Brian Glenn. He's a top-flight journalist from the venerable Real America's Voice, who, in addition to being a deer tick suckling Donald Trump's nuts, is also dating the QAnon mom Marjorie Taylor Greene. Brian, I guess, figured he'd score some points with Daddy Donald by taking a cheap shot at a man who is literally fighting for his country's life. Brian's worried about what he's wearing; I guess he's not giving leader vibes. But meanwhile, let's take a look at some of the outfits Brian's girlfriend wears to work in Congress. Here she is at the State of the Union, dressed like a polar bear demanding to speak to the manager. Here's Marge, um, wearing something from the Randy Macho Man Savage collection. Casual Friday, she dresses like the cashier at an Advanced Auto Parts store. But yes, by all means, feel free to speak to a war hero as if he's your nephew who showed up wearing a wifebeater to your wedding.
"I feel I have an obligation to try and—uh—do something to stop the death if I can. If I can answer—yes—if I can answer—sorry, please, please. And I do like your clothing though. Yeah, really. Even though I have to—I think he's a great guy, by the way, but don't know if you two like each other, but you know what? I think he's—I think he's—I like this guy, don't I? I think he's just beautiful. So I have more—I have more serious things than answer on such question. I will answer on more serious question if I can. Yeah, so please, yeah, please."
This poor man—they're bombing every hospital in his country—he's sitting there with the halfwit fashion police talking about what he's wearing. And then all hell broke loose. JD Vance jumped in and said Zelenskyy wasn't being thankful enough—enough to Trump—which somebody put together a montage. He's thanked America publicly at least 94 times. Trump starts shouting. Even his aides said they hadn't seen Trump yelling at a foreigner like that since the last time Melania locked him out of the bedroom—was Wednesday—but still, it was a very low moment for the United States. Trump is completely in Putin's pocket; he's tucked in there like a Johnson & Johnson Band-Aid or something. It was such a humiliating moment the MAGAs had to jump right into action. Trump, uh, tapped Ladybug Lindsey Graham and all the poest parasites to talk about how great what happened was, and Fox News—they really—this is an epic circle jerk. He said, "You are gambling with World War III!" This was about peace, ultimately. There's a lot of drama, and we can break down everybody's feelings, but in the end, I think what's remarkable is that we have a president who's willing to do anything to bring about world peace. Man, if he doesn't get the—if he doesn't get the Nobel Peace Prize after this, um, that thing, it means nothing. Hey, the Nobel Peace Prize? Because how far can these people bend over? Well, let's give them the Heisman, too, while we're at it. It's so crazy, people are now on—on Russia's side. I mean, siding with Trump is one thing; siding with Putin—well, I guess it's the same thing now—but at this—this point, whenever *Rocky IV* comes on TBS, every Republican is required to root for Drago.
After the disaster, Zelenskyy headed to London to shore up support from Europe, and Trump played golf for the 10th time since taking office. And he looks terrific; he really looks good. These guys have been—they were elected six weeks ago today; they're already on vacation. JD Vance celebrated his Zelenskyy sucker punch with a ski trip. The Vance traveled to the Sugar Bush Resort, which, coincidentally, Sugar Bush is also JD Vance's Secret Service code name. But Vance—I think he picked the wrong state to relax in—because when he got to Vermont, he was greeted by hundreds of protesters carrying signs like, "Vance is a traitor," "Go back to Russia," "JD Vance, you're not welcome in my state or on my couch." Some of the signs were wholesome; Mimo and Popa would be so very, very, very disappointed. And some, like "Russian asset," "Liquor," were not so wholesome. They had, "Lap dogs don't ski," "Hide your couch," and Vance skis in jeans, which is a big no-no up there. First prize for most New England insult went to this sign: "JD Vance puts his cast iron skillet in the dishwasher." And then JD headed home to not watch the Oscars.
It wasn't a particularly political night at the Academy Awards, but it was a night of great tradition, and we have one, too. Every year we glam up Guo and send them to the red carpet, where no one shines brighter or drinks more. Once again, here he is, hammering the stars with questions and tequila—our own Guo on the red carpet at the [Applause] [Music] Oscars.
Samuel: Hey Samuel!
Sam: Hey! How are you, man? How you doing, man?
Samuel: Everything good?
Sam: Fantastic! How do you look so good?
Samuel: I take lessons from you. I've never been to the Oscars, so—so this is your first time? You have to tell me the tricks.
Sam: Oh my God, what should I know?
Samuel: The first trick is to drink tequila.
Sam: That's right, right. Yeah, you carry like a purse, like—like here?
Samuel: Yeah, cute.
Sam: Oh yeah, I could do this.
Samuel: Yeah, exactly. That's what I was going to do.
Sam: Yeah, cheers!
Samuel: Cheers to the Oscars! To the Oscars! You want to do a shot? That's the only reason why I'm here.
Sam: All right, yeah, all right, cool. Give it a good toast.
Samuel: All right, uh, for two good-looking guys!
Sam: Hell yeah, brother! Is it hard to be sexy?
Samuel: Well, you would know. Just BR—to be honest, it's not hard. You want to define gravity with me?
Sam: Yes! All right, look—okay, look—here's my broom. You have to have the broom. That's your broom.
Samuel: Okay, okay. P this, and then—and then we're going to—[Applause]
Sam: Define what?
Samuel: Yeah, yeah. You remember when you made me do a shot of tequila and say "lesbians"?
Sam: I did!
Samuel: Cheers to—to lesbians! To lesbians! You want to do that again?
Sam: I do—the lesbians! Lesbians! You're going to win an Oscar today!
Samuel: From your mouth to God's ears! And when you win an Oscar, you're gonna—you're gonna—you represent all the Latinos and everything, and—and you're gonna—don't forget Garmo, right?
Sam: Okay, I'll try not to forget you.
Samuel: It's Hollywood's most glamorous night, so—so should we do a shot or no?
Sam: I don't want to, but I also don't want to—yeah, but I also don't want to be rude. Where is there a middle ground where you can do a cheers, but then I don't drink it?
Samuel: Yeah, you—I drink it; you do a toast. For what?
Sam: I want a toast for your outfit. You look gorgeous.
Samuel: You, too. You look great.
Sam: Thank you. Oh God, I'm such a lightweight that I feel drunk just lifting this over my face.
Samuel: You still look nervous.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Thanks. It didn't work. It didn't work. You want to grab a question from my popcorn bucket?
Samuel: Popcorn bucket? What's the sexiest part of the foot?
Sam: That's a good question, right? The arch, but only if it's been cleaned with your tongue.
Samuel: What? Hey, look—point to a person you think is on OIC.
Sam: Oh my God, it's not me! It's not me! I got a belly.
Samuel: You're doing fine. When was the last time you picked your nose?
Sam: About an hour ago.
Samuel: An hour ago? Before you were getting ready?
Sam: Yeah, while I was getting ready. It was a successful—oh no—very—yes—no—I—I—I'm very good at it.
Samuel: How long is that—good questions—how long since your last rash? How long—one more—one more. Can you give me $20?
Sam: Bet. Most I'm never going to see that again.
Samuel: All right. How you doing? Anything for me?
Sam: I do—you want—stop—stop! Look—harmonica for Monica! You go like this—look!
Samuel: Yeah, you should just splice in some music over that. Oh, also, you can do this—look! It's our tradition! Yay! Now you have to play that instrument from right here—look!
Sam: I heard you try—it doesn't—right here? Right here? Let's try—from right here? Right here? Try—that's where you did it?
Samuel: No, I did it the other side. We're just sharing germs.
Sam: No, I did—the—it worked! I'll give—I'm going to have to—let me play it.
Samuel: All right, well, thank you so much. Tak—this for later. Thank you.
Scarlet: Hey, Scarl! How are you? Come on!
Sam: One—how are you? How you doing? Here—this is for your dress, and I got a track for you, Sal.
Samuel: Cheers!
Sam: Che—good to see you! You look great!
Samuel: Fantastic! Then—love you!
Sam: Thank you! Oh my God! Hey, how you doing? Hey, can I—I got a shot for—here—come here!
Samuel: You stole my swag, man! Come on, I got something for you!
Sam: Oh my God, he touched my hand, but then he let it go! Oh no!
Mikey: Mikey! How are—how you doing? You look so beautiful. Can I be you plus one?
Sam: Hey! Hey! How are you? How you doing? This—I love you! I love you! Let's drink together! Let's drink together!
Samuel: All right, let's drink. I haven't seen you—movie—is he sexy? Something like that.
Sam: It depends how much of this we drink.
Samuel: Oh yeah. When is going to be your next depressing movie?
Sam: Um, hopefully not too soon.
Samuel: We going to do a comedy with me?
Sam: Yeah, let's do a comedy! I would love to do a comedy! Let's go!
Samuel: Cheers, brother!
Sam: Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Where are you getting your eggs right now?
Samuel: My eggs? That's a good question. I—I haven't gone to the root of getting my own chicken yet, cuz I know people are getting their own chickens, right?
Sam: Do you have a chicken?
Samuel: No, I don't have a chicken. Have you ever seen a chicken laying an egg?
Sam: Yeah, yeah. What does it look like? Cuz I've never seen it.
Samuel: I love this, and then it goes like—yeah. The thing about the Oscars is it's the classiest—it's the classiest show on TV. The sound effect is amazing! That was beautiful! I'm sorry, that—that was really—that was real nice, right? Um, that should be nominated for an Emmy next year!
Sam: It's a miracle of life!
Samuel: Yes, it is! It's the miracle of life!
Sam: Yeah, well, thank you very much! All right, man, I see you tomorrow! Good to see you! [Music] Man, oh my God! I can't believe it! We have 20 million subscribers on YouTube! Unbelievable! I only wish we got paid for this. If you haven't subscribed yet, what are you waiting for? Help us get to 50—50 million, please! It's an emergency! [Music]