Transcription
Hi everyone, it's Dr. Romney, and welcome to this YouTube channel on narcissism, narcissistic relationships, and healing from narcissistic relationships.
So, this is a big question for people who are experiencing or coming out of narcissistic abuse: how do you stop rumination? Let's break this down. This is a complicated one because it's not going to seem as straightforward as you think. This is a struggle that survivors face, and it's something that survivors struggle with most in my healing program. If you're interested, the link is in the video notes.
In my healing program, among the survivors in there, it was the number one issue raised as a problem in their healing process. As a therapist, it's not an easy one. So, imagine my surprise a few days ago when I saw an article in the New York Times called "How Do You Stop Rumination?" I dropped what I was doing; I couldn't open and read the article fast enough.
Once again, I was frustrated. It's becoming so clear to me that a lot of content on mental health in the mainstream media does not cover the unique corner that survivors of narcissistic abuse live in. The article wasn't all wrong; there were some useful suggestions and some interesting insights that I agreed with, but it also missed the boat.
When they laid out what leads people to ruminate, not one mention was made of being in any kind of toxic relationship. I got to tell you, in my many years of practice, this has been perhaps the most major driver of unbreakable rumination: toxic relationships.
There's a mistake in thinking that rumination is just about being stuck in something that is being exaggerated or distorted in your mind. It's really not that simple. Rumination isn't just about obsessiveness and making a mountain out of a molehill; it's actually about the mountain being real. The things people experience in these relationships—gaslighting, invalidating confusion, manipulation—it's all real. You aren't exaggerating how bad or how confusing the relationship is.
So, the rumination is basically a "what the hell is going on here, what can I do about it?" And then the second piece of the rumination is the grief about the loss if the relationship ends. So, that was my first issue with this article.
Then they went on to make five suggestions. The first suggestion was to divert your attention. Okay, so since many of you still have to manage the narcissistic person on the daily, where exactly are you supposed to divert your attention to? Even when I've given diversion guidance to my own clients, even I rolled my eyes as I said, "I mean, how many games of Candy Crush can you play? How many shows can you binge-watch? How much of that can you do to distract from these relationships? How many naps can you take? How many hikes can you take?"
Whatever. There's one part of the diversion piece I can get behind. Sometimes diverting our attention can refocus our attention, and by doing something else that absorbs us, we may be able to put the ruminating thought down. So, I am not completely mad at the suggestion, but I also have to acknowledge that it's not easy for survivors who, after the diversion, are basically walking right back into the same mess as before, and more rumination will begin.
That's an obvious risk of diversion. But heck, you know, if you can find some relief—if your diversion is something like a comedy or getting good feelings from planting some stuff in a garden or something like that—that's a few minutes you're not ruminating, and there might even be relief that overtakes you from a different emotion.
Now, the next suggestion was trickier: avoid your triggers. Now, that's not easy in a narcissistic relationship because a relationship is just one big trigger. Avoiding things that remind you of the discomfort is hard when the discomfort is living in your house or down the street or in the next office.
So, it isn't even rumination but reality, and the constant exposure means you don't get a break. The other suggestion was to block, mute, or unfollow anyone who triggers you. At some point, if you have enough narcissistic people in your life, you may not be following anyone, so you might as well get off social media, which frankly could be a great anti-rumination strategy for narcissistic relationships.
I do agree, though, cleaning up your feed can make a difference when it comes to rumination. But avoiding your triggers as a piece of guidance for survivors is rough because it's everywhere. And then, honestly, you could over-correct so much that you almost end up experiencing an agoraphobic reaction if you can't leave your house because the world is nothing but triggers—unless the triggers are in your house.
Now listen, in this article, all of the guidance wasn't bad, and there are some takeaways that could be useful for survivors of narcissistic abuse who are struggling with rumination. One was immersion in a moment. I suggest to survivors, when they are in a narcissistic relationship moment, that they immerse themselves in their surroundings and sort of try to tune the narcissist out.
One way I think that can be done is through description. Describe the scene around you in minute detail: the color of the floor, the smell in the air, the color of the walls, the material the door is made of, the sounds—whatever. It can kind of pull you out of the narcissistic person's madness and ground you in your own reality.
The article was really talking about immersing in moments so you are present and break out of the thought loop. Again, not easy, but those mindful moments may break the cycle. But then you have to deal with a narcissistic person, and the confusing memories and rumination then are likely to kick back in. It's just the nature of narcissistic relationships.
Another thing they suggested is a worry timer: give yourself 30 minutes, and you can worry all you want, but then you have to stop. Again, that's not easy. My guidance is a riff on that, which is: go ruminate away, talk about it, journal about it.
Now, it can sometimes be hard to find people to ruminate repeatedly with, but if you've got people you can turn to, do it. That might also be therapy or support groups. There are some stories some of my clients have repeated about a hundred times to me, and I don't stop them and say, "Haven't I heard that before?" I listen carefully to see if anything is shifting for them.
I validate and empathize and recognize that each time they share it, maybe they are slowly releasing it and breaking out of that cycle of rumination. Sometimes we just have to keep playing it out over and over to finally let it go.
Reading the article, though, reminded me why so many survivors are hamstrung by rumination and find it so difficult to recover from it. So much of the guidance about rumination doesn't account for the unique confusion raised by a narcissistic relationship—a confusion that is often unacknowledged by others and made worse if you have to keep facing these folks down.
A personal example I could share is that I recently had to deal with a situation like this in my own life. I took my guidance and was fortunate enough to have a few sounding boards, and I just kept talking about it—in a way, talking about this narcissistic situation I was in.
It's not a pleasant metaphor; it was like throwing up. It got the icky feeling out of my gut. The situation ultimately has worked its way out. I'm still in situations that bring up the feelings, but I can talk it out, and talking it out can break the rumination cycle.
The situation brings up old feelings and anger, and all the distraction in the world won't take the rumination away when it comes back again. But most people don't get that opportunity to talk it out. If you can find your people who give you permission to talk about it and hopefully let it go, other people not understanding narcissistic abuse can make this harder.
But if you can't avoid your triggers or distract this away, you can slowly work it through and recognize that the rumination about narcissistic abuse is a rumination like no other. Just knowing that can help you feel a little less obsessive.
Above all else, recognize that just because a news article doesn't get it or recognize the unique form of rumination you're facing doesn't mean that it's not happening. I don't want to be a hater because the article did actually hit some important points and points of view.
But leaving out people who are going through toxic relationships and not recognizing that they're one of the groups that are the most impacted by rumination—this is a unique experience of rumination and the most problematic pattern that survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with.
If you have suggestions for rumination that have worked for you, please drop them in the comments. If you are looking to do a deeper dive on healing, please check out our healing program, and the information is in the video notes. Thanks!