Transcription
Attention ladies out there who have an avoidant man in your life. I'm going to warn you right now: if you use the wrong words when you're trying to communicate with him, not only is he not going to understand what you're trying to say, but you are going to accidentally drive him away. And that can ruin an otherwise promising relationship. Avoidant men use language completely differently from anxious people and from how the internet psychology groups speak. And that's why nothing that you show him about avoiding attachment style is going to make sense to him. It's really just going to make him feel hurt, attacked, and want to leave.
It's also why avoidant men tend to love this Channel, and why they resonate with my videos, and why they write in in emails and comments to tell me that they finally understand attachment. It's because I speak the same language that they do. I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. In the last couple of months, I have become the attachment Whisperer. I have worked for years with people who have attachment challenges, and especially with avoidantly attached men. Today, I'm going to pour all of my experience into this video and show you exactly how avoidant men communicate. And it is going to change everything that you think you know about avoidant men.
And for the avoidant men who are out there watching right now, hey guys, I'm going to help you decode what the internet means when they talk about you, because I know some of the stuff out there is nasty. Okay, let's get right into it. What does the internet have to say about avoidant attachment style, and especially avoidant men, and why is it so wrong? Okay, I, I have seen so many content creators out there who blast avoidant men as monsters. Right? They talk about them like they're terrible human beings. And this is why most avoidant men have no interest in learning about attachment Theory, because it sounds like it's just a stick to beat them with.
Now, the biggest, biggest mistake though that I have really seen, even bigger than that, is fear language. Avoidant men are afraid of X, okay? Especially avoidant men are afraid of commitment. Apparently, they're afraid of everything in the world. Okay, they are endless cowards; they just run around shivering in their boots. Meanwhile, in reality, avoidant men commit to starting five businesses; they buy Bitcoin, they hold it for 10 years; they'll invest here. They're some of the biggest risk-takers on the planet, you guys. They run on, they thrive on dopamine and adrenaline, and they are chasing big risks. How can we say that they're terrified? How can we say that they're cowards?
Now, especially when you consider that many avoidant men rise into high, high-power executive positions; they build multi-million dollar companies. These are people driving industry through most of the corporate world. Many of them, like I said, are adrenaline junkies. They would love, they would love to ride an experimental jetpack to work if they could. They'd fly up, even if it halfway killed them; they would love it. This is why they roll their eyes at internet psychology videos that basically call them cowards. Avoidant men are not cowards; they track risk. This is a survival adaptation. Okay, they have developed a survival adaptation to be hyper-aware of risk because they don't believe anybody else is going to help them when that risk eventually closes around them. They don't believe other people will assist them; they don't believe anybody else is going to pull them out; they don't believe other people will be fair with them when the chips fall; they don't believe that anyone has their back. So they have to be hyper-aware of risk. So when the risk is clear and they can make an educated decision about that risk, they take it; they'll take the shot; they love it; they love taking calculated risks. This is why I say avoidant men are risk-focused; they're not fear-focused; they're risk-focused. This is a massive difference. They are not afraid; they look at risks, and if there's too many unknowns, yes, they may have a fear spike, but they wouldn't say, "I'm afraid." They'd say, "That's a foolish risk."
Now, why is this mistake happening? Why are we calling them cowards? Why are we calling them afraid? Right? Fear language resonates specifically with anxiously attached people. They understand the language of constant anxiety, the constant fear, the constant terror. When, when we make videos for anxiously attached people, risk, it doesn't quite resonate with them the same way that fear does. Even I did this a bit at the start, right? In my videos, right? An avoidantly attached men are afraid of the, the commitment and afraid of the risk that it will bring, and so they're ducking out of the relationship. This is how anxiously attached people hear it and how it makes sense to them. The vast majority of people trying to learn about avoid, about attachment styles, to be honest with you, are anxiously attached people. They're the first group of people to go out finding answers because they think they are the, the problem, and they want to be proven wrong. So most content is made for anxiously attached people. Like I said, even I did this at the start because anxiously attached people were about 99% of my audience for that first year, so I tailored my explanations to their understanding. "He's afraid of commitment" is easier for them to understand than "He is running constant risk assessment protocols, and there are too many variables for him to track and to control in a committed relationship, so he avoids what looks like a foolish gamble." That doesn't make as much sense to an anxiously attached person as "He's afraid of commitment." Okay, make sense?
But when I explain about risk-taking and risk tracking to avoidant men, it clicks like that. They understand how their constant analyzing robs them of the ability, the ability to immerse into an experience with another person or to relax into that Bond and really enjoy it. So when I say to avoidant men, "The challenge for you in relationships is that you are running constant risk assessment protocols; there are too many variables for you to track, and you cannot control them all in a committed relationship, and this is why you avoid what looks like a foolish gamble, and this is why you duck out of relationships, even if you otherwise wish that you could stay in them," that resonates. Now, how do I know that this language resonates? It's because my recent videos have all started using this language. I have shifted from being primarily focused on educating and teaching anxiously attached people to diversifying so I can teach both sides, and especially avoidant people. I have started using this risk-focused language. This is why avoidant men are pouring into the comment sections to share about how, how this clarifies so many things for them. This is why their partners are telling me in coaching sessions, "Adam, I use that risk language, and that language shift has changed everything; he finally gets me." This is why couples come in, and I say, "We're not going to talk about fear anymore; we're going to start managing the risks together, and as you both do this, you will find a deeper Bond because you'll trust each other," and he's like, "This makes so much sense," and she's like, "Why did that make sense?" He says, "Because it's about risk; the risk is the problem." This is how avoidant men process relationships: risk.
So let's talk about this: how can you use this language in your relationship with an avoidant man? One couple came into coaching with me recently. He was about to duck out of the relationship; she was heartbroken because they were engaged, and they were due to get married in about 6 months. He said, "I just don't know if this is the right match, and I can't justify making this choice." And she said, "How can you say that when you tell me that you love me?" It didn't make any sense to her at all until I started saying, "There are risk variables here, and he's not understanding how to track them carefully." You guys need a framework. For example, number one, you need the four levels of trust so that he can see that you are worthy of his trust or not; that will build that initial compatibility testing to see if your risk is high or if your risk is low. We need to talk about the three types of chemistry in relationships so that he can see again if the risk of incompatibility down the road is low or high. We also need to talk about building emotional intimacy in a way that's not going to overwhelm him so that he understands your emotional needs exactly, and they are measurable to him. Then he can choose to commit to them and not see a moving goalpost based on feelings. When I said this, the guy almost cried, and not because he was weak. This dude has high-level performance positions in his life; he excels in every area of his life. The reason he almost cried was because he finally felt understood, and he said, "Adam, if I had those three pieces, I would get married in a moment." So we built that; took about three coaching sessions. Okay, one for the four levels of trust and applying it and showing them exactly why she was so worthy of his trust; immense bonding moment; it was incredible watching them on the couch hugging and laughing at that after that and like finally connecting. Number two, the three types of real chemistry and seeing that they were not only a bit compatible but really compatible for the long term. And number three, finally understanding emotional intimacy. We did that last, so that he would be open to it, and she was able to share her needs in, and I helped her in measurable ways so he understood exactly what she needed emotionally, and he started realizing he needed some of those things too. He hadn't realized that because he'd never had somebody really guide him through that process before. When they did these three things in those three sessions, not only was he ready to get married, he was pumped to get married because it made sense to him. The risks were tiny, but the rewards were gigantic. He said, "This is one of the best investments I will ever make in my life." That's the power of avoidant language.
It also helps a lot when female Partners come in and they say, "Adam, help me understand my avoidant guy; help me understand, does he even love me?" And I talk her through what an avoidant man's love actually looks like, how it's different from what she's probably expecting right now, and how it can grow into something that feels more nurturing and feels more loving. Right? The avoidant man in that relationship starts to finally feel understood and not demonized. She starts to feel closer to him because she recognizes the signs of actual love but then can guide him into showing love and also the way that she's looking for. It's just learning to measure it. Their fighting in those cases drops to zero. He starts bonding hormonally with her, vasopressin especially—we've talked about that in previous videos—but then oxytocin bonding as well, in new ways that he's never experienced.
So ladies at home, you're probably wondering, "How am I supposed to start implementing this with my guy?" Okay, let's make this really simple. Start talking to him in Risk language. So instead of going to him and saying, "There's a problem; I'm not feeling very loved in this relationship," he's about to jump out the window; he's about to jump out the window. CU. Now there's a non-measurable variable that he's now on the hook for, and these raw expectations are about to slap him in the face; gigantic risk all of a sudden. That's why he shuts down during those emotional conversations where you're just walking in hoping that it's going to work. No. "Hey, uh, I need to talk to you about a risk that's growing in our relationship. Uh, it feels like there's low emotional intimacy. I have a couple of measurable things that we can start targeting, and if we do this, my satisfaction will increase, but I think yours will as well, and it will actually make us stronger as a couple in the long run. Can we explore some of these options together?" Now, does this sound like a business meeting? Yeah, but keep in mind that avoidantly attached men thrive in business; this is their language. Okay? If you've ever wondered where the language of business came from, in largely in large part it's because of avoidant men. This is how they communicate. Communicate with him that way; that makes so much more sense to him. "Hey, there's a risk, but to reduce that risk, we need to track these measurable emotional intimate pieces. I have some measurable targets; if we can hit those, my satisfaction and yours will go up, and long term we're going to do great. Wow, that sounds like a pretty smart investment. Show me the measurable targets that we need to hit, and I will, uh, we'll figure that out together." "Well, I need to feel this, and to feel that, I need this and this this many times per week. Here's why, because those do this for me, they also release this bonding hormone." Yes, again, it sounds like you're going to be giving a PowerPoint presentation, but let me ask you this: if you had to have a 10-minute business meeting with a PowerPoint slide presentation to convince your loving avoidant man to care for your emotional needs for the next 50 years, and he desired to care for you, and he saw the value in it, and he truly gave you that love, would that be worth a 10-minute business conversation?
Don't be fooled by thinking that you have to have him be loving and adoring and affectionate with high oxytocin during these conversations. If he's not exhibiting high oxytocin, it's probably because he doesn't have much; it's probably because he hasn't got much through the course of his life. So you coming at him trying to demand that oxytocin and that affection language and trying to understand your feelings, it's not going to work. You need to talk to him about risk. Other ways to do this: "You know what, I'm feeling that there's a risk in our relationship; I'd like to talk to you about it. You appear not to be fully bonding with me, and I don't think it's because you don't want to. I'm wondering a little bit if you may not understand how that deeper bonding can work. I'm wondering a bit if you think that there's really high risk, so maybe you're nervous about investing here with me. Is that happening? If so, let's, let's have a talk about that; let's actually address that challenge." He's going to go, he's going to say, "Well, yeah, actually all of that is true, and you're right; I, I don't really understand the deeper bonding pieces." "Is that upset? Does that upset you?" "Well, you know, it doesn't make me happy, but it's something that we can resolve. Let's learn about this. I, I have this video right now about how avoidant men communicate. I think what you might be experiencing is something called avoidant attachment. It's not a diagnosis; it's not a label; this is not about how you're bad; it, it's, it's just a different way of operating when your brain chemistry is a little bit different, and you'll be really high performance everywhere else, but you'll thrive with business language like this instead of emotional language. Have you ever noticed that you're kind of like that? Yeah? Okay, well, you're just specialized right now. If we can watch this video, I have another video actually, what, what men with avoidant attachment style need to be happy. Can we check this out? If this would make you happy, we can build this together; it'll reduce the risk almost zero." "Okay, I can give that a shot." "Sure, that, that's how you have those conversations with him."
If you start bringing your emotions into it, the risk goes off the charts because feelings are unmeasurable, and they tend to escalate. Feelings create greater risk; feelings are a risk; think of it that way. Your feelings are the biggest risk variable to him, and he can't control them, and he also doesn't believe that other people control their own feelings. That's actually the biggest distrust he has in most people is that their feelings will overwhelm them and then lead them to do bad things that are harmful to him. So the more you can rein in those feelings—not to be an emotionalist robot—but the more you can rein them in and have conversations business-focused about risk… This is why a lot of women who come into my coaching practice, I say, "Set up a weekly meeting with him where you check in and talk about the realities of the relationship." "Oh, I, I tried to do that before, and I said, 'How do you feel?' and 'What are your feelings?' and 'These are my feelings this week,' and it was so horrible; he never wanted to do it again." Well, yeah, you, you set it up incorrectly. You set it up so that it's a conversation about feelings where he's feeling like his fingernails are being ripped out with pliers. You need to sit him down and have a business meeting. "Let's discuss the state of the relationship; let's track it with some numbers for some variables. On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you feeling in the relationship this week? 1 to 10. I'm not going to question why, and I'm not going to get angry; I just need to know what your number is." Okay, it's like a six. "What can we do to help you go up one point in the next week? What would help that? Well, not 10, not up to 10, perfect. What would help you go up one point? Okay, that would help you go up one point. Cool, we can do that; let's take care of it." Business meeting, measurable, trackable, reasonable. This is how you communicate with avoidant men. If you can build a relationship with very low risk where everything is clearly stated, it turns into a business. Now, over time, as you build this with him, he often will build vasopressin bonding, then he'll build oxytocin bonding, then he feels closer to you, then he becomes more affectionate, then you can could start using more emotional language because finally he feels safe enough with you to do that. So you've got to build a relationship based on systems, logic, and clear expectations because that's the ticket to getting him to invest. And once you do this, he will sometimes start speaking your language in return. This is the magic of finding an avoidant man's heart. And to get there first, you have to go through the business lobby. Take this approach, and you will see him blossom.
Ladies, the biggest takeaway here is that language is the vehicle you use to be understood. And if you use it wrong, he won't understand you, and if you don't understand him, you won't receive any of his meanings. Like when you say, "Do you even love me?" and he says, "Well, I'm still here after all this fighting," and you're like, "What the heck does that mean?" Well, it means that he's still here facing continuous risk with you because he sees something very worthwhile in investing in; he just isn't sure how to make it a good investment yet. See the language now. I know that this can be a very hard adjustment for couples. It usually takes a session of coaching with me or two to really build that communication. You try to start, start talking; I stop you and say, "Wait, phrase it this way," okay, and you do it; it works. "Wait, phrase this this way; wait, change that; wait, pause; let's go back; let's change that," and I walk you through conversations so that it starts to feel natural, and you see him opening up. But afterward, it feels awkward there, but afterward, the women finally feel loved, and the men finally feel understood, and then you can build a loving relationship that can last a lifetime. So remember, guys, that I am here if you need a translator to help you understand each other. And if you want to learn more about why avoidant men are such risk-takers outside of relationships, watch my earlier video called "The Biochemistry of Avoidant Attachment Style." You're going to understand avoidant men in a whole new way.