Transcription
Hey everyone, welcome here and welcome back. I'm Micah, and I've described two of the three insecure attachment styles. And you've all been asking for a video about the last one that's still missing: disorganized, or also called fearful-avoidant attachment. So here it goes.
This attachment style is called disorganized because, in comparison to the other two insecure attachment styles, it's a lot more varied and less consistent in the way it plays out in a relationship. Also, fearful-avoidant attachment is not just a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment, although it can have a lot in common with either or both. The intensity of the struggle and the instability of this attachment style is more than just switching back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment.
You can envision the attachment styles on this spectrum, which I found in the book by Julie Manano. You've got secure attachment on the right, anxious attachment on the top, avoidant attachment on the bottom, both in varying degrees from mild to severe. At the far left of the spectrum, you'll see disorganized, fearful-avoidant attachment. And then on the right side, you can see those arrows going back and forth between avoidant and anxious attachment, which means, to illustrate that, when people are pretty close to secure attachment, they become more flexible. And an anxiously attached partner will then sometimes also disengage from emotions, or an avoidant who is more flexible or is becoming more flexible will then also sometimes engage emotionally. And it's important for me to point out that this is not fearful-avoidant attachment.
Another thing I've sometimes seen gets confused with fearful-avoidant attachment is when an avoidant is in a relationship with someone who gives them a lot of space, which is a relationship that they're very interested in. And because they have all the space, they don't feel so engulfed. And that allows them to get more in contact also with their anxious side. So this also isn't fearful-avoidant attachment. I wanted to point this out because, in my experience, a lot more people think they're fearful-avoidant than they actually are.
Remember that only 5% of all people are actually fearful-avoidant or have a disorganized attachment style. Amongst those who have it, there are two types. One is closer to the anxious side of the attachment spectrum and called disorganized oscillating attachment. This is because these people oscillate back and forth between really intense emotions. And the other one is closer to the anxious side of the attachment spectrum and it's called disorganized impoverished attachment. This is because these people are so disconnected from their emotions, it seems like they have none, or that they're emotionally impoverished. But beneath their emotional flatness, they experience or lies hidden, they don't experience it, but it's there, the same emotional chaos that the disorganized oscillating people experience.
How fearful-avoidant attachment develops. People with fearful-avoidant attachment had a dysfunctional childhood, either with severe neglect, abuse, or trauma. Their parents often have unresolved grief and trauma themselves, and they grew up in a state of chronic stress, emotional confusion, and overwhelm. They were often conflicted because the bonds to their caregivers were conflicted. They were some sort of threat alongside the caring part, even if that was invisible to people outside the family.
How disorganized attachment affects a relationship. Someone with disorganized attachment will bring a push-and-pull dynamic into relationships. On the one hand, they crave emotional intimacy. On the other hand, they're afraid of it. And depending on their core beliefs about attachment and relationships, and this can be a mix or either or, they're afraid that they'll either be suffocated and or abandoned or rejected. A person with disorganized attachment will want their partner and pull them close, but then later push them away again, either to feel their own independence and themselves better, or to be reassured of their partner's love when they reconcile. And the partner comes back. And to their partner, it might seem like the fearful-avoidant is contradictory, or that they're fabricating drama for drama's sake. But their behavior comes from a disregulated nervous system and being triggered easily, not from a preference for drama.
The reactions of fearful-avoidantly attached partners are unpredictable and often more intense than what would be proportionate to the situation. They easily feel misunderstood, threatened, abandoned, rejected, and then respond with rage, withdrawal, or clinginess. This can also include swinging back and forth between being affectionate and then cold, idealizing their partner and then criticizing them strongly, avoiding conflict and then escalating it impulsively, breaking up and then getting back together again. They find it hard to trust themselves or another person. As an extension of the feelings they had in childhood, surrounded by people who weren't consistently reliable, they project unreliability into their current partner. They can't really trust that their partner will be there and always feel like threat is lurking behind every corner and peaceful moment. And without trusting that your partner will be there, you can't feel secure in a relationship. And without feeling secure in a relationship, you can't feel close to each other.
Disorganized attached people are often highly aware of any possible power dynamic in a relationship, and they are careful not to get vulnerable before they don't already know enough about their counterpart. In a perceived world of threat, danger, and manipulation, they are always on guard and trying to figure out people's secret agenda. They're confused by or don't believe people with secure attachment or other insecure attachment styles that don't have a secret agenda. So fearful-avoidant attachment also expresses itself in a difficulty with being vulnerable, also expressing your needs, and setting and respecting boundaries. Often, people with fearful-avoidant attachment also have a very low sense of self-worth and core beliefs like, "I don't deserve love," or "Something's inherently wrong with me."
Healing disorganized fearful-avoidant attachment. The first thing I'd like to say about this is, consider therapy, and if necessary, trauma-focused or trauma-informed therapy. You can work on building secure attachment on your own. At the same time, you don't have to, and it'll probably also be quicker and more lasting and deeper if you accept professional help. Anyone can develop secure attachment, so can you. It's not about secure attachment being inherent in us or not. You can stop suffering and hiding the things you think are fundamentally wrong with you and develop the skills you need to be securely attached. These skills are skills that target your self-regulation and relationship skills.
When it comes to emotions and emotional stability, start with increasing your awareness of your emotions and how they shift throughout the day. What it feels like when an emotion is less intense, and what it feels like when it then becomes more intense. And practice observing these shifts from the observer's perspective that isn't identified with your emotions or fused or blended with them, but sees your emotions as waves that come and go. You are experiencing your emotions, but you are not your emotions. Practice not immediately acting on every emotion that comes up, but just observing them coming and going. Trust that if something important is behind this emotion and the urges that accompany it, it will come up again. And if it requires you to do something, you will put the pieces together over time and figure out what needs to be done. Often, all we need to do in the moment is observe, not react.
Learn about different types of emotions and what their functions are. Become comfortable with experiencing emotions. And if you're on the disorganized impoverished side, remind yourself that emotions don't make you weak, but they make you stronger, and they help you be human in a more wholehearted and rounded and fulfilled way. Learn about and practice emotion regulation tools, and also see which ones work for you at which level of intensity. At low levels of emotional intensity, a nice scent or getting some fresh air might be enough. But at higher levels of intensity, you might need to take a cold shower or bite on chili peppers.
Also, practice nervous system regulation, relaxation, and grounding exercises to regulate your chronically disregulated nervous system. You can check out a therapy form called somatic experiencing therapy, which is specialized in teaching these kinds of skills. Self-regulation skills also include working on the patterns of your psyche and changing them into helpful ones, developing helpful core beliefs and strong sense of self-worth.
Concerning relationship skills, work on whatever is missing, probably a bit or more of both empathy and boundary skills. I have playlists on both of those skill sets. I also have a playlist on connection and one on attachment styles. Check them out. All of them can help you build relationship skills.
Sometimes change happens quickly and all at once. However, when you're practicing developing secure attachment from the starting point of disorganized attachment, it'll probably take time, patience, and lots and lots of practice. As you go through this process, be encouraging and compassionate with yourself. Your comfort with difficult emotions, vulnerability, and trust will grow gradually. All the best for that. Like always, I'm rooting for you. Till next time, take care. And remember, it's not that something's fundamentally wrong with you, you just get triggered easily and then thrown into fight, flight, freeze, fawn based on what your brain experienced in the past. And this is something that can be rewired so that you too can experience secure attachment.
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