Transcription
Dr. Laura: Christina and Barbara. Barbara, you're the mom. Christina, you're an adult daughter. How are you two ladies today?
Christina: Hi, Dr. Laura.
Barbara: Hi, Dr. Laura. We're longtime fans, and we're doing. My daughter and I are doing great.
Dr. Laura: Excellent. Okay, who wants to take the lead in telling me how I can help?
Christina: I will take the lead. This is Christina. Thank you. So, we're calling today in regards to my older brother. I am 35, he's 42, and he is entering rehab today for alcoholism. And we are trying to understand what our role should be in supporting his family while he's there. Background.
Dr. Laura: If it's helpful, you just need to be clear when you say supporting the family. Do you talk about food? Do you talk about living situation? Do we talk about money? What kind of support are we talking about? That would help me.
Christina: Yes.
Christina: There is an expectation on his and his wife's end that either I or my mom go be there in person to physically help run the household with the two small kids while he's gone.
Dr. Laura: And what is her problem in running her own household? Ma', am, just answer my questions, please. What is her problem in taking care of her household? What is she. Oh, gosh, it's the top of the hour. Would you ladies be willing to wait through the top of the hour break so I could spend more time with you?
Christina: Yes, of course.
Dr. Laura: Oh, thank you. Sorry, I didn't pay that much attention to the time. Yes. Okay. People's expectations. That's going to be a wonderful conversation. Looking forward to it. So everybody stay during the break and give us a call at 1-800-375-2872. Now go do the right thing. If you've been searching for quality movies, series, and shows to watch, check out Angel. Angel is a streaming platform built around stories that uplift stories about courage and sacrifice, faith and family. And those are exactly the kinds of messages I'm always encouraging you to bring into your home. They offer a, strong range of options, like Solo Mio with Kevin James, a fun choice for Date night. David is a beautifully animated musical that families can enjoy together. And Cabrini is a powerful true story that really stays with you. What I like about angel is that their members have a voice in deciding the kind of stories that get told. When you join angel, you get full access to their library. Their premium membership is ad free, and you even receive two tickets to every upcoming release in theaters. If you've been looking for entertainment that reflects your values, look no further than angel. Go to angel.com drlaura your family deserves entertainment you can feel good about. I'm going back to Christina, who is the daughter, Barbara, the mom. And by the way, how old is this brother who's going into rehab?
Christina: 42.
Dr. Laura: And how long has he been married?
Christina: Eight years.
Dr. Laura: And how, if I remember, he has two kids, is that right?
Christina: Correct.
Christina: They're, eight and five.
Dr. Laura: How long has he been a drunk?
Christina: a large part of his adult life, but it's been particularly bad in the last seven years.
Dr. Laura: So she married all through college, his wife. Yeah. So his wife married a drunk. She knew it. Curious.
Christina: Yes.
Dr. Laura: Okay. Weird.
Christina: He had a few good years and I think that.
Christina: She married him unknowing about his past because I don't believe he was forthcoming with her about that. So she signed up for a mess that she didn't have full context of.
Dr. Laura: well, that's where you two have some responsibility. Somebody should have brought her up to speed that she was being manipulated. I consider that your responsibility, but let's move on. when you say that they're expecting that one or both of you is going to go to their house while he's in. By the way, what number rehab is he in? Is this the first time? The eighth time.
Barbara: This is the first inpatient.
Dr. Laura: So how many outpatient rehabs, if there's
Barbara: one.
Dr. Laura: Okay. And why did he choose to go in now? Why is he doing this? What motivated this?
Barbara: I think his wife said you either do this or get out.
Dr. Laura: Okay, now, who spoke to either one of you or both about moving there to take care of her household and her family for her? Who did that she talked to?
Barbara: Nobody did.
Dr. Laura: Then why are you.
Barbara: Nobody did.
Dr. Laura: I'm confused. How.
Barbara: Because she's. She is just expecting us to.
Dr. Laura: How do you know this?
Barbara: To the occasion.
Dr. Laura: How do you know this if she didn't ask you? I'm confused.
Barbara: She. She told me in a text message that how disappointed she was that I didn't call and volunteer to come out.
Dr. Laura: can you call up the text message, please, and read it to me? I just want to hear the full context to understand her better. Isn't it cool you can look up texts while you're still talking? I love it.
Christina: Why don't you read your first text message?
Barbara: Mine to her was, Michelle, I hope 30 days makes a difference. Adam called his dad. he was concerned about leaving you with full household responsibilities. Might be a good time to bring in some outside help to assist with transportation, house cleaning and laundry. Could be a godsend at Least for the next 30 days, which is his initial program for you.
Dr. Laura: Before you go on.
Dr. Laura: Woo hoo. Woo hoo.
Dr. Laura: Before you go on, what an odd thing for you to write. Does that mean that your son, her husband, did all the washing, cleaning and driving? So he didn't have a job?
Barbara: Oh, he had a job. These kids are old enough that he. Oh, he also works remotely.
Dr. Laura: Did you hear my question? Okay, Christina, maybe you can help me because your mom is missing my point.
Christina: Yes, Adam picked up a lot of that slack at home because he worked from home. So he, took care of a lot of that while she also has a demanding full time job in person.
Dr. Laura: Yeah, no, these are their choices, which I find horrendous. But anyway. No, I'm sorry. I wish you hadn't written that because you opened the door. either which way you can write back. I think it'd be better if you hired some temporary help. You know, I'm kind of busy and I'm taking care of my husband and the dog and the cat and whatever the hell you want to say you're doing. You're under no obligation to go down there because they. She designed herself not to be a wife or a mother.
Barbara: Yeah, well, that's. That's actually what I did. I told her might be a good time to bring in some outside help. I heard that, but she did not like that.
Dr. Laura: Well, so what?
Barbara: She did not like that.
Dr. Laura: Barbara. Barbara. So what?
Christina: Yes, so what?
Dr. Laura: She didn't like it.
Barbara: Okay?
Dr. Laura: Nobody assumed a woman making those decisions would like it. She's used to controlling everybody to take care of the things she doesn't want to be bothered with, like her house and her kids. So she's not happy about it.
Barbara: Exactly right.
Dr. Laura: You need to live with the fact she's not happy with it and take that as just a fact. It is a fact she's not happy with it. You expected her to be. Really? Barbara. Few missing screws. If you thought she was going to be happy about that answer.
Barbara: Well, she knows. Well, she knows that we live. We don't live in California.
Dr. Laura: It doesn't matter to her. It doesn't matter to her.
Barbara: That's exactly right.
Dr. Laura: Your inconvenience is irrelevant. Her convenience is. So let her be annoyed. I mean, why are you crumbling under her being annoyed? You're a 73 year old matriarch. Get it together, woman.
Barbara: That's right.
Christina: Okay, I think one of our concerns is that my brother feeling all this guilt for leaving his wife in this position is going to blow through these 30 days. Not commit to the program, leave too soon, and he'll repeat the cycle all over again.
Dr. Laura: That's right. And if that's the case, then that's the case. His sobriety. He owns his sobriety. Christina, give it a break. Yeah, no matter what the circumstances are, a drunk is responsible for for his or her own sobriety. And trying to make it easier for them guarantees nothing.
Barbara: Well, that we've tried easy. And that's not worked in the past, so.
Dr. Laura: Correct.
Christina: Yeah, you're right.
Dr. Laura: He's responsible for his own sobriety.
Christina: Thank you, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: And he's a grown man. If he wants to hire somebody to clean and cook and drive while he's gone, he can do that. Yeah, so can everybody stop. Can the women in his life stop babying him, please? That's you, Christina, and you, Barbara. Cut it out. Get reinvested in your own lives. Get a hobby. Take a course in college.
Christina: Deal. And actually, my mom is starting a master's program this week.
Dr. Laura: and what's up?
Barbara: Today is my first day.
Dr. Laura: What subject?
Barbara: Learning Design and learning Design and technology.
Dr. Laura: Well, you're busy.
Dr. Laura: Glad to hear it
Barbara: I am.
Dr. Laura: Well, then you can't be traveling and doing shit that she can make happen. If she's a businesswoman, she knows how to hire somebody to clean. She doesn't want the inconvenience and she wants, doesn't want to spend the money too bad. Would you just leave people to their own devices? They don't need rescuing, they need sense of responsibility.
Barbara: Yeah, okay, that's perfect. Because my first online, training job project is going to be about dog rescues.
Dr. Laura: Ah.
Dr. Laura: Excellent. Wonderful.
Dr. Laura: Not enough of that happening. All right, sweethearts, thank you very much for hanging on over the top of the hour and talking to me about this. And I hope you will just go to your room and relax now.
Barbara: Thank you, doctor.
Christina: Thank you, Dr. Laura.
Christina: Love you so much.
Dr. Laura: Thank you. By the way, do you need a response to this? Do you need, some verbiage to say no? Because I can help you with that before you leave.
Christina: Yes.
Barbara: Yeah, that would be great. Okay, please.
Dr. Laura: And write, get ready, type it and then don't send it until we all hear it again. Okay? So type it out as we talk. Okay?
Christina: Okay.
Dr. Laura: Oh, oh, oh. So sorry. Christine and I are not going to be able to help you out, Period. Tell me when you get to the period.
Christina: Oh yeah, I'm a fast typer. I got this.
Dr. Laura: Okay. you use thumbs faster. I just use my pointing finger. Okay. hope you will find Adequate housekeeping and child care support in your area.
Christina: Yep.
Dr. Laura: Period. By the way, comma, I am starting, a new class for my master's degree today. Wish me well. Period. Christina M. Are you doing anything we can report
Christina: I have started a new full time job and I am dedicating myself to that as well as my outdoor pursuits now that I'm here in Colorado.
Dr. Laura: That's too many words. Christina is starting a new full time, wonderful job. Tell me when you got the job.
Christina: I'm, ready.
Dr. Laura: That she is very passionate about. Period.
Dr. Laura: read the whole thing from the top and then decide if you want to hit send. Read the whole thing from the top.
Christina: Oh, so sorry. Christina and I are not going to be able to help you out. Hope you will find adequate household and child care support in your area. By the way, I am starting a new class for my master's degree today. Wish me well. Christina is starting a new full time, wonderful job that she is very passionate about.
Dr. Laura: What do you gals think?
Christina: I think it's good and to the point. I think.
Barbara: I think it's good and to the point, but I'm already on the shit list for sending her a text in the first place.
Dr. Laura: So what?
Barbara: Calling her.
Dr. Laura: So what? Oh my God, you sound like a
Dr. Laura: You. Yeah. What is going on with you? Why does. Why does she have to like you? Why does she have to like you? She doesn't. She sounds a bit bitchy to me. And she married a weak man. She's bitchy and married a weak man. That's a pattern.
Barbara: You're right. You're right. She is bitchy. She is. She is an angry person.
Dr. Laura: So, you're a grown woman. You're older than her. You're more mature. You're the matriarch. Don't tolerate that crap. Who cares if you're on her shit list? I don't care.
Christina: I think we have felt bad that my brother, her son, has caused so much turmoil in her and their lives that we feel a sense of responsibility to help how we can, Knowing it's our side.
Dr. Laura: Christina, do you have a life?
Christina: Yes, I do.
Dr. Laura: Why would I ask something so obnoxious sounding? Tell me. Based on what you said, why do you think I asked?
Christina: Because this isn't my life and my responsibility to carry my brother and his choices.
Dr. Laura: Right, but somehow you feel responsible for his actions and how his actions impact other people. And you're not. Your mother's not. I'm not. Nobody is. The two of them made Their choices. She didn't know he was a drunk then. She didn't know him long enough before she married him. But, you know, truth be told, she knew he was weak. That was attractive to her.
Christina: Yeah.
Dr. Laura: So you're looking at this like, oh, he had all this power to mess up everybody's life. Well, yeah, he did, but. He did. You didn't. And I urge you, Christina, to be totally uninvolved from this point on. You have no obligation here. He's a grown man.
Christina: Thank you.
Dr. Laura: He will have to figure it out. I will allow you leeway to be a cheering squad when he does something good. But that we do for each other, that's not special to you and your brother. We just do that for each other. Like, wow, Mom's doing the master's thing. And wow, you're involved in all the dog stuff. This girl gets a wow from me. Let him figure his out his own life, please. Because you're not having a positive impact. Nope. So do we hit send or no?
Christina: I, think we do.
Dr. Laura: Okay, then count backwards. 3, 2, 1. Send.
Christina: Send.
Dr. Laura: Now, one or two things is going to happen. If she got the text there, she could be doing something. She works full time, whatever. So my best guess is she will throw a nasty fit. And I want you to read her nasty fit and smile. Everybody got. Everybody got silent. She's going to throw a nasty. Just smile. Because you're not her. You're not married to her. You're safe.
Christina: Thank you, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: all right, guys, you can call me back at any time. I hope, I hope Adam does what he's supposed to do to get clean and sober. I think the stress at home, though, might undermine it when he gets back there. My number, 1-800-375-2872. What's my prescription for better, stronger, happier relationships? Easy. It's the all new Dr. Laura podcast, featuring a morning monologue by, yours truly and a call of the day handpicked by me. Listen daily and get a dose of my preaching, teaching and nagging at, drlaura.com or on the SiriusXM app or wherever you listen to podcasts. It's all good.