Transcription
Have you ever noticed that when you finally set a boundary with a toxic person, things do not get better, they get worse? You ask for space and they punish you for asking, or they pretend to agree, but they attach conditions that keep you completely trapped. You think you're making progress, but you're actually just negotiating the terms of your own captivity.
In this video, we're going to look at four specific negotiation tactics of the Pharaoh spirit, straight from the book of Exodus. We will see how narcissists use these exact same tactics today when you try to set boundaries, and also how you can recognize them so you stop negotiating your own freedom.
Now, first, for those of you who are new, hi, I'm Shanna. Welcome to Toxicity is not your destiny, where I put out weekly videos on how to navigate toxic relationships in your life from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective. So, if you're navigating toxic relationships and you need biblical wisdom with practical tools, you're in the right place. So, hit that subscribe button if you'd like to receive regular content from me.
And if you're currently trying to navigate this, I have a free resource for you called a biblical guide to safe disengagement. This will help you recognize these manipulation tactics clearly so you can protect your peace. And you can download this for free by clicking on the link in the description box below. All right, let's get into it.
This is part two of the Pharaoh series. In the first video, we looked at why a narcissist refuses to let you go, the theology of the hardened heart, and the deception of false repentance. If you have not watched that one yet, I highly recommend that you start there. I will link it in the description box below and in the comment below. This video will give you a full foundation for understanding the pharaoh spirit.
But here is the short version. The pharaoh spirit is the spirit of narcissism operating in a person of authority, whether that be a spouse, a parent, a pastor, a boss, a leader. And when Moses came to Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go." Pharaoh did not just say no, he opened an entire playbook.
So here is tactic number one, punishment for asking. When Moses first asked Pharaoh for freedom, Pharaoh's immediate response is to increase the oppression. Then the king of Egypt said to them, "Moses and Aaron, why do you take the people from their work? Get back to your labor. You shall no longer give the people straw to make brick as before. Let them go and gather straw for themselves. And you shall lay on them the quota of bricks which they made before. You shall not reduce it. Let more work be laid on the men."
The tactic here is simple, punish the request itself. Make the cost of asking for freedom so high that the victim never asks again. Pharaoh is sending a message to the Israelites. Look what happens when you listen to Moses. Look what happens when you try to stand up. Are you sure you want to do this again?
You know what this looks like today? When you set a boundary with a malignant narcissist, they escalate. They create a crisis. They increase their demands. They make your life so chaotic that you spend all your energy putting out fires instead of enforcing the boundary you just set.
In a marriage, you say, "I need you to stop speaking to me that way." And they respond by giving you the silent treatment for a week or by blowing up your phone with 50 rage texts. In a church, you raise a legitimate concern to leadership and suddenly you are removed from ministry or they call a meeting about your rebellious spirit. With a narcissistic parent, you set a boundary around visits and they call every sibling, every aunt, every cousin to tell them that you have a band in the family or committed some horrible offense. In a workplace, you push back on an unreasonable demand and suddenly your performance review is negative for the first time in years.
The tactic is the same across every context. The goal is to train you to associate boundary setting with unbearable pain. They want you to conclude that it is easier to just stay quiet and make the bricks without straw than it is to endure their retaliation.
Tactic number two, false compliance with conditions. When the plagues begin and the pressure on Pharaoh increases, he realizes he has to offer something. So, he tries tactic number two, partial release with a proximity condition. Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron and said, "Go sacrifice to your God in the land." Notice the condition, in the land. Stay where I can see you. Stay within my borders. Stay under my jurisdiction.
When Moses refuses, Pharaoh tries again a few verses later. So, Pharaoh said, "I will let you go that you may sacrifice to the Lord your God in the wilderness. Only, you shall not go very far away."
The tactic is false compliance. They appear to agree with your boundary. They even use generous language. "I will let you go." But they attach strings that keep you under their control. You feel like you have made progress, but you have not actually gone anywhere.
In a modern context, this sounds like compromise, but it's actually a leech. In a marriage, fine, we can separate, but we still need to do family dinners every Sunday. You can have your own bank account, but I need to see the statements. With a narcissistic parent, fine, I won't come over unannounced, but you need to call me every single day. I will respect your space, but I expect you at every holiday, no exceptions. In a church, you can step back from serving, but you still need to attend every Sunday and meet with the elders every month. In a workplace, I will reduce your workload, but I need you available by phone on weekends.
They concede the boundary in theory, but they structure it in a way that they ensure they never actually lose access to you. They're saying, you can have your freedom, only you shall not go very far away.
Tactic number three, holding hostage what matters the most. As the plagues devastate Egypt, Pharaoh realizes he cannot stop the Exodus entirely. So, he shifts to tactic number three, concede the person, but hold hostage what they love or need the most. First, he tries to keep the children. Then he said to them, "Go now, you who are men and serve the Lord, for that is what you desired. Leave if you want, but your family stay with me."
When Moses refuses that and the next plague hits, Pharaoh tries to keep the resources. Then Pharaoh called to Moses and said, "Go serve the Lord, only let your flocks and your herds be kept back. Let your little ones also go with you. You can have your freedom and you can even have your family, but not your financial independence. Leave your resources behind.
This is one of the most devastating tactics of the Pharaoh spirit. When a narcissist realizes they are losing control of you, they will target the things you cannot bear to lose. In a marriage, they weaponize children in custody battles, or they freeze financial assets so you cannot afford to leave. With a narcissistic parent, they hold inheritance over your head, or they threaten to cut you off from the rest of the family. If you do not come to Christmas, you will never see your nieces and nephews again. In a church, the narcissistic leader holds your reputation and your community hostage. If you leave this church, everyone will know why. They know that your relationships, your friendships, your entire social world is inside those walls. In a workplace, they hold your career advancement hostage. They threaten a bad reference. They remind you that they made you.
The message is always the same. You can leave, but you will not survive without what I am keeping. They are banking on the fact that your love for your family, your need for community, or your financial dependence will force you to return to Egypt.
Tactic number four, the false repentance reset. We covered this in depth in the first video, but it is crucial to see how it functions as a negotiation tactic. Between these escalations, Pharaoh uses false repentance to reset the cycle. He says, "I have sinned. The Lord is righteous." He confesses under pressure, promises to release them, and then reverts the moment the pressure lifts.
This tactic is used to reset your hope. Just when you're ready to walk away completely, they drop the hostility and offer a perfect apology. They speak kindly, they make their voice gracious, and because you are a God-fearing person who values forgiveness, you pause. You drop your guard. You enter back into negotiations, and this is the paradigm collision you have to recognize.
Every single one of these tactics exploits your goodness. Tactic one works because you care about peace. Tactic two works because you believe in compromise. Tactic three works because you love your children. Tactic four works because you believe in forgiveness. The Pharaoh's spirit does not just dominate you, it weaponizes your own virtues against you.
This is why you have to stop negotiating. When you are dealing with an established, ongoing pattern of malignant narcissism, traditional methods of conflict resolution do not work. Compromise does not work. Moses did not negotiate Israel's freedom. He did not accept partial release. He did not leave the flocks behind. God demanded full release, no conditions.
If you're trying to navigate this, I want to speak directly to the fear that you might be feeling right now. You might have watched these four tactics and your stomach dropped because you know exactly what will happen if you try to enforce a boundary. You know the rage. You know the retaliation. You know what they are capable of, and that fear is not irrational. It is based on real experience.
But, I want you to notice something about the Exodus story. God did not send Moses into Pharaoh's court blind. God knew exactly how Pharaoh was wired. He knew the stubbornness, the cruelty, the retaliation. He knew every tactic Pharaoh would use before Pharaoh used it. And he gave Moses the strategy for each one. He told Moses what to say, when to say it, and what would happen next. Moses was never improvising. He was following a God who had already mapped out every move Pharaoh would make.
Your Exodus is not something you need to figure out on your own. God knows the complexity of your situation. He knows what is being held hostage. He knows exactly how the narcissist in your life is wired, what triggers their rage, and what they will do when they feel that they are losing control. And he's not asking you to walk into that blindly. He's asking you to seek him for the approach because he already has a plan for your deliverance that accounts for every tactic that they will try.
So, make sure you download a biblical guide to safe disengagement at the link below. It will help you map out what safe boundaries actually look like when you are dealing with this spirit. I'd love to hear from you. If you watched this video and thought, "That is exactly what they do to me." I want you to type, "I see the playbook." in the comments section below. Because the moment you can see the tactics for what they are, they lose their power over you.
In the final video of the series, we're going to look at what happens after you leave. Thank you so much for watching, and don't forget to subscribe. I will see you in the next video.