Transcription
Let's just start with this little gem that men love to throw out there, right? Women aren't loyal. Really, women aren't loyal. That's funny because the truth is the opposite. Women are often too loyal, painfully loyal. Loyal to the point of betraying themselves, loyal to men who haven't earned it, don't reciprocate it, and actively exploit it.
And science even backs this up. Women score higher in what's called conscientiousness, which is basically being responsible, reliable, and dependable. They also score higher in agreeableness, traits like empathy and cooperation. You put these together and you get a personality profile that leans towards loyalty, not disloyalty, not flighty. If anything, women stick around longer than they should. And abusive men know it. They bank on it.
I'm Lisa Sunny, a toxic and abusive relationship expert, and I've helped thousands of women recognize, escape, and rebuild after abuse. And one of the most damaging lies that women carry is this idea that we're somehow not loyal enough. Now, before we go any further, hit subscribe so that you don't miss future videos that cut through these myths and get straight to the truth.
Here's the reality. Abusive men don't want earned loyalty. They demand blind loyalty. And the way that they define it is very telling to them. Loyalty means never challenge me, never question me, never leave me, no matter what I do. Even if I cheat, even if I lie, even if I betray you, even if I abuse you. In their world, that's what loyalty is. That's not loyalty. That's submission. They want ride or die. And that's ridiculous.
And make no mistake, they don't just ask for it nicely. There is this constant undercurrent of threat attached to this. Disloyalty in their eyes is punished. You might get raged at, you might get humiliated. You might get stonewalled or abandoned. And that fear is what keeps women trying so damn hard to prove their loyalty.
But this brings me to one of their favorite manipulative tricks, reverse psychology. You ever notice how abusers love to accuse you of being disloyal even when you've bent over backwards to show otherwise? That's the point. They bait you. They say, "You're not loyal." And then what happens, right? Most women, most humans go into defense mode. Of course, I'm loyal. I've stayed through everything. I've put up with all of this. That's exactly what he wants. You're scrambling to prove yourself. Because when you're focused on defending your loyalty, you're not focused on the real problem, his betrayal of yours.
And here's where we need to make a really important distinction. Loyalty and trust are not the same thing, right? In a healthy relationship, loyalty comes from trust. You know your partner has your back, so you naturally commit to them to protect the bond. But in an abusive relationship, loyalty is demanded instead of trust. He doesn't actually trust you. Right? That's why he monitors you and accuses you and tests you. But he has the audacity to say that you aren't loyal enough. It's frankly hypocrisy at its finest.
Because let's be honest, the men screaming about women's loyalty are often the least loyal themselves. How many times have you heard about the guy that cheats and lies and betrays and then turns around and says that his wife wasn't loyal? What she means is that she didn't let him cheat in peace. She didn't stand there silently while he blew up the marriage. That's not disloyalty. That's having a backbone. But in their world, loyalty is just a one-way street, right? Women owe it and men don't owe it. And society props that right up. We've seen that ride or die trope that I mentioned, right? The good wife who stands by her man through cheating, addiction, prison, abuse, and that's sold to women as noble. Meanwhile, men are never expected to do the same, right? They're excused with "boys will be boys" or "men just aren't as loyal," which is not actually true.
But when a man accuses you of being disloyal, it isn't just about him. He's pulling on centuries of conditioning. He's tapping into the shame that women carry about being a bad wife or a bad mother or a bad woman if they don't stay and suffer quietly. And women are conditioned to suffer. That suffering is for the benefit of your marriage. It's for the benefit of him. And that shame is so powerful. It's why women hear "you're not loyal" and immediately they feel like they've failed. They've broken the sacred contract. And it's not just reverse psychology. It's weaponized culture.
But let's talk about what real loyalty actually looks like. Healthy loyalty is earned through care and respect and honesty, reliability. It's mutual. You protect the bond by protecting each other. You don't cheat. You don't betray. You don't throw grenades into your relationship and then expect the other person to run around picking up the pieces. Demanded loyalty. That's the "stay no matter how much I hurt you" crap. That's not loyalty. It's coercion.
So when an abusive man says, "Women aren't loyal." Here's what he actually means. You're not obedient enough. You're not letting me do what I want without consequences. You're not tolerating my mistreatment forever. Translation: you aren't betraying yourself for me. And that's why it works because women are socialized to prove themselves as good women through loyalty. They've been told their whole lives that a woman's value is measured in how much she sacrifices for her man. So, when he calls her disloyal, it hits that nerve. And too often, she doubles down and she stays longer and she works harder. She betrays herself in the name of proving that she isn't what he says she is. But here's the truth. The only betrayal happening is his abuse.
I watched a video recently of this woman who stood up in a group in front of an audience with a panel and she asked, "How do you forgive a betrayal? How do you get past it and stay?" And I think one of the most unfair things about cheating in general is that the woman is expected to work hard and forgive him and she has to do all of this emotional work and he may or may not be sorry that he did it. He did it. He chose to cheat and now he gets to keep her and she has to do all of the emotional labor to stay. It's wild.
All right. Well, now let me cut off all of the predictable arguments that red pill bros and obviously abusive men love to throw out when they hear someone say this. First, they'll say women cheat more than men. Wrong. The research shows that men and women cheat at almost the same rates today. Now, historically, men admitted to cheating more, but in the past couple of decades, that gap has basically closed. Equality, am I right? Here's the difference, though. The reasons that they cheat aren't the same. Women tend to cheat after years of emotional neglect and a lack of intimacy. And I mean intimacy. I don't mean what you think I mean. They also don't like being treated like furniture in their own house. Now, men cheat more out of entitlement, boredom, or opportunity. But nothing I just said excuses cheating. Cheating is betrayal, whether you're a man or a woman. Period. No matter who does it. End of discussion. The real hypocrisy is that abusive men demand blind loyalty while excusing their own disloyalty. This video isn't to say that women never cheat. If a woman cheats, she's not loyal. That's pretty clear. But what I'm talking about is the double standard of abusive men. That's the point.
Now, the next ridiculous point is that women are only loyal to money or status. And that one is just a classic, isn't it? The truth is, when women leave a man who's financially unstable, it's usually because he's also emotionally neglectful. He's unsafe, and it's survival. Leaving him makes sense. Meanwhile, men drop women for aging, gaining weight, or being pregnant. That's not survival. It's entitlement.
The next one is men value loyalty more. They actually use some sort of pseudobiology argument about paternity certainty. And here's the problem. If men really valued loyalty that deeply, they'd practice it themselves. But the data shows right now that men cheat at a little bit higher rates, but while they're demanding fidelity from women. That's not biology. It's hypocrisy and it's privilege.
Now, the fourth is that, you know, you're just shaming men for having standards, right? Wanting loyalty is fine. Absolutely, that makes sense. Everyone should want that regardless of gender. But what abusive men call loyalty isn't loyalty. It's ownership. It's "I get to do whatever I want and you better sit there and smile." And that's not a standard. That's control.
And finally, "not all men, women do this too." Yeah, women can weaponize loyalty. I'm not saying they don't, but the difference is that women are conditioned to overgive loyalty and to prove themselves worthy. And men are conditioned to demand loyalty to prove their dominance. Same word, but it's a completely different meaning in practice. And because I know that people are just going to twist this. No, women don't owe men loyalty in the sense of staying in abusive or unsafe relationships. Nobody owes anyone that. The loyalty you owe a partner is simply honesty and not cheating as long as the relationship is intact and respectful. That's it.
And honestly, good men understand this. They don't demand blind loyalty. They earn it by showing up consistently and keeping their word and protecting the relationship and treating their partner as an equal. That's masculinity. If a good man loses his job or struggles with mental health, he doesn't accuse his partner of being disloyal. If she's stressed, he leans in. He communicates. If a good man is feeling insecure, he doesn't scream, "You're not loyal." He says, "Babe, I need reassurance right now." That's how loyalty and trust work in a healthy relationship.
But abusive and toxic men, they don't do that. They weaponize loyalty to cover up their own betrayal of it. And the real shift is going to come when women stop proving loyalty to men who haven't even earned it and start redirecting that loyalty inward to themselves, to their safety, their sanity, their children, their peace. Because true loyalty can't coexist with abuse. Abuse destroys the bond, makes loyalty impossible. What you're left with is submission, fear, and actually self-abandonment. And none of those are noble.
So, no, women are not collectively disloyal. Women are overloyal to men who exploit it. The real question isn't why aren't women loyal, it's why do men feel so entitled to blind devotion when they've done nothing to earn it while giving so little back. And if you're ready to break free from that cycle and the shame, the manipulation, the lies, I want you to join my group coaching program, Rise and Rebuild. I co-host it with Dr. Peter Solano, and this is where we help women shift their loyalty back where it belongs, on themselves. The link is below if you're ready for that step.
I want to finish this off by saying women who cheat are not loyal. And I'm not claiming that women don't ever cheat. I had to say it again because you know people are going to willfully misunderstand. Before you go, hit like, comment, and subscribe. And I want to know in the comments, what is the most ridiculous way that a man has ever accused you of being disloyal? Let's call it out together.