Transcription
Imagine this scenario for a moment. You're out in the wild and you meet a lovely young woman. She smiles at you. You smile at her. She's batting her eyelashes at you. You're getting that familiar tingle deep down inside. You have a little conversation. Oh, there's definitely attraction there. There's something happening and you know it. You know it. The potential is real.
You move away from that little interaction with some thoughts in your head. You start imagining just where this might go, what it might be like to be with her, what it might be like to take her on dates, have dinner with her, spend the night with her. You're having all these thoughts starting to play through in your head. This is the first sign that the pink mist of romantic love is starting to cut off the circulation to the prefrontal cortex of your brain. You no longer have the ability to make rational decisions. Your imagination has taken over. You are in danger at this point. You have no idea. It's like you're walking the rim of a canyon at night. One false step and everything's going to change. You're getting another moment of serendipity.
So, today I want to talk to you guys about the price we pay, what we're willing to pay for romantic relationships. This is life 2.0. Let's talk about it. Everybody pays a price. You can't get around it. If you're going to have a relationship with a woman, or really with anybody, there's going to be some price that you're going to have to pay. It may be relatively small. It might just be your time. It might just be your attention. It might just be um some of your uh some of your money, you know, going on dates, etc. But there's going to be a price nevertheless.
When you're in that first moment of serendipitous interactions and the, you know, Cupid is in the air, the pink mist is starting to flow. You're not aware of what price this is. That pink mist does a really good job of camouflaging all the red flags. you don't really see them because you're so focused on I want her, can I get her? Rather than should I be entering into this kind of a situation. The amygdala in our brains should be firing off signals telling us there's danger here, be aware there's danger. But that procreative part of our brains is not listening to that amydala. It's focused on one thing and one thing alone and that is how do I get this one home? What can I do to line this up? You're already strategizing the seduction. How am I going to do this? What's my approach? Um, yeah. And it's just fraught with all kinds of dangers and we don't realize it until it's obviously way too late.
You know, your imagination is something that we take for granted. Professional athletes use their imaginations to see how the game's going to be played long before they ever step on the field. They use this to improve their skills because they realize that the power of the imagination is that your brain doesn't understand the difference between what's real and what's not. And so when you go into the imagination with your girlfriend, your new potential girlfriend, you're telling your brain that this is real on some level. until your brain starts putting together a plan on how to solidify this little endeavor of yours and turn this into something that might be more gratifying than just daydreaming. So, you got to be really, really careful with where you go with your thoughts when it comes to a new relationship with a woman.
There is a concept called metacognition. Metacognition is when you become aware and evaluate your own thoughts. So you have a thought and then you stop and you reflect back on that thought and you decide whether that thought has validity. Is it true? Is it something that's helping you? Is it getting you to the places where you want to go? Is there anything that you're overlooking with this thought? You drew a conclusion. Is that conclusion valid? Most people don't ever do this. Metacognition requires an awareness that your thoughts as they occur in your head are not necessarily true. That's right. Everything you think is not necessarily true. Your brain is like the internet. It's got an algorithm. It's going to give you the stuff that you think you want, but you got to constantly be double-checking it. And if you're not double-checking it, well, you're going to get into some trouble. You're going to find some situations that uh are not necessarily what you had in mind.
But you see, in the moment when you're having that pink mist experience, you're getting exactly what you had in mind cuz you were imagining it. You saw it. You thought it. You believed it. You were creating the environment for it all in your imagination. Little did you realize that you were literally you were really just pre-programming your brain for this exact scenario. not making any critical thought about whether this is a good idea or not. This is how we get into trouble. The lack of critical thought. And the irony here is that we men hold ourselves out as being analytical of, you know, using logic, thinking before we act. Uh if that were only the case, you know, The real question that you need to ask yourself is what are you willing to pay?
So, when you're having that metacognition moment and you're starting to understand what you're into here, what's going on exactly? And you're reflecting back on your thoughts and you're questioning, is this valid? Is this something that's worthwhile? Is this beneficial? Is this something that I want to pursue? Because if you don't have those thoughts and answer those questions truthfully, you're going to find yourself in a really really bad set of circumstances more often than not. Because like I said, once you start getting that little tingle, that's your first indication that that pink mist is starting to take control of your brain. Cuz now suddenly all your thought processes are moving south. They're moving to a whole another dimension where the only thing that matters is procreation. Biology starting to take over and you're not, like I said, you're not seeing all the red flags. not seeing all the potential dangers and I'm not even really talking about red red flags like you know values based things. I'm talking about red flags like is she really the right person for me? I mean do we even know each other? Is this something that I have room for in my life? Is this something that I desire? Is there some reason that I really want to pursue this? How how much um where am I really willing to take this? What's this actually mean to me? I mean all these questions you have to ask yourself.
I think it helps if you put it in a different um context and you start thinking about it like if you were shopping for a car. You wouldn't go to a car dealership with no preconceived idea of what car you want to buy and how much you want to pay. You know what I mean? So that's what that moment of serendipity is. Someone just pulled a car in front of you and you're like, "Oh, what a great car. I think I like this car. This car looks really good." But you didn't need a car before that moment. You weren't thinking about getting a car. you weren't thinking that you needed to have a car in your life, but now suddenly there's a car. And now you're like, well, why not a car? You know, I like the color of this car. It seems to have a lot of the features and benefits that I like. At least from the outside, I can tell it looks like it might be a good car to ride in for a while, you know. Well, this emotional reaction to seeing a pretty girl and having a nice interaction and you know, maybe a potential for a relationship with her is um just like that. It's that emotional purchasing. You know, there's a thing in sales that all all sales, all purchases are emotional, especially big purchases. And the same is true for the way we make decisions obviously in relationships is they're all very very emotional. And that's what leads us to these situations that inevitably cause us so much difficulty and pain. You need to stop for a moment and decide, like I said earlier, what's this going to cost me? What am I willing to pay and what am I not willing to pay? And I suggest that you have this as a balance to all those things that you want. When you see a woman and you think about all the characteristics that you're looking for in a woman, I've talked about this before, having an avatar of what you're actually looking for in a relationship, if you desire a relationship at all. And if you're not desiring a relationship and suddenly one is popped in front of you, don't suddenly jump on board. Do you know what I mean? Don't switch teams from no relationship to relationship. Like, if you're deciding for yourself in this moment that a relationship is not in the cards for you right now, doesn't mean forever, just means right now. Then hold to that until something changes. until you make a a logical a rational decision about yes, now is a better time for me to have a relationship. I'm in a better place. I think that this is a I have space for this in my life if I choose to do it. I can see how a relationship of any kind could fit into my life. So, you need to have that first conversation with yourself. Like, is this a time for a relationship at all? Because if it's not a time for a relationship, just because some pretty girl, you know, batted her eyelashes at you, doesn't mean that now you're going to drop that value and say, "No, I I was wrong. Now is obviously the time for a relationship. Look at this chick, man. How lucky am I to have met her? She seems perfect in so many ways." Yeah, she doesn't you don't know her for You don't know anything about her. You just think that she's hot and that's it. And so that's why she's perfect because she's pretty. Yeah, that's just your u you know that uh belief that there's a shortage of beautiful women in the world and there's not. Trust me, they're they're all over the place. You can't spit in the wind without hitting one.
So, number one, do I want a relationship or not? Because if you don't want a relationship, then there you've taken care of it. Don't step into that. You know, be friendly with her, flirt with her, whatever you want. But that's where it ends. That's the end of it right there. Don't let your imagination go down this path of what it's going to be like to be with her, where are we going to go? What's that relationship going to be like? Don't start playing that game with yourself and creating the the setup for this relationship to actually occur. Cuz the minute you start having that imaginary world with her, you're just flooding your prefrontal cortex with that pink mist. Cuz now you've got no ability to think clearly. That's why it's so important that you have all these things set up beforehand. It's like your emergency card. You can pull it out whenever you need to and look at it and say, "Oh, this is what my rational mind thinks. I have a record of it just in case I ever have to, you know, avoid the pink mist, I can break the glass and pull out my emergency card and it has instructions on what I'm supposed to do. So, have an emergency card. Here's what you're going to put on it.
Number one, do I want a relationship or not? That should answer a lot of your problems right there. Number two, um, do you have time? You know, if you don't have time for a relationship, then, you know, that's the first thing you're going to have to put energy and time into it. How much time are you willing to put into this? You know, one one night a week, you know, is that what you got? Um, you know, women, they want more. They they they start off slow, but then they start building. Next thing you know, you know, they're like pulling you in a fish out of the water. So, you better better be clear about how much time are you going to put into this and what's the limit to that? How much are you going to pay in terms of time to have a relationship? If you don't put a limit on that, you're just leaving that one wide open. You know, it's like going to the car dealership with your cash and just throwing it all on the table and saying, "I don't know. Just take what you need and give me a car." You know, no, don't do that. That's not a good plan.
Number three is how much commitment are you going to put into this thing? What is the limit to commitment for you? So, if you're just coming out of a marriage, even if you've like in the last 5 years, you're a divorced guy, well, you may not be and you probably should not be really eager to jump back into the marriage pool. You may be thinking, "Marriage is out the table. That's not something I'm willing to give." And if that's the case, then what are you willing to give? Friends with benefits, is that something? A committed boyfriend, girlfriend relationship, is that what you're willing to give? Doesn't matter. But you better be clear about what it is you're willing to give and what you're not. What about if things really evolve and then it turns into a cohabitative set set of circumstances? You better have some clarity in your head about whether that's going to happen or not. You know, if that's on the table or that's not on the table, you need to know it ahead of time. If that's something you absolutely are unwilling to um budge on, then you better be very clear with yourself so that you can be clear with anyone that you're dating that that's not going to happen.
I was talking to a guy recently, a few weeks ago I guess it was, he was getting pushed into a cohabitative set of circumstances and he was not on board with it and she was manipulating him and pushing him and leveraging him and blackmailing him, you know, extorting him, doing anything and everything she could to get him to move in with her and fortunately he held his ground. But I could tell he was a little bit weak with it, you know. There was a part of him that was thinking, well, just maybe it wouldn't be that bad, you know, and you know as well as I do that is a trap. That is an absolute trap cuz you're going to pay with a lot of things that you are not willing to pay for.
So, here are some things I want you to consider as non-negotiable. The first one is um your authenticity. So if this pretty girl who likes you, batting her eyelashes at you, is a good match for you, then it should be your authentic self that is making this match. So you should not be making any adjustments to your approach to life or your personality or who you are as a human being, as a man in order to accommodate her in your life. If you find yourself making these little adjustments in conversation in order to not offend her or to not um put yourself outside of the realm of having a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship that you don't even know you want, then you are literally selling out your authenticity in order to have the relationship. This is the first and biggest mistake that most men make without even realizing it. They don't realize that they have forsaken themselves for the relationship. Perhaps even in the first conversation or two they have with this girl, this is before they've even slept with her, they've already given up who they are authentically in order to move things along to the next step, to not make waves, just to keep things looking really good, to make the relationship seem like it's exactly where she wants to go with it, that you're ideal for her in some way. And so we completely blow up our own authenticity in order to make her comfortable early in a relationship. This is a complete sellout. Now, you don't realize it at the time. It's your biology is working here. You know, procreation mind is on. Pink mist is in the air. You don't realize you've sold yourself out, but you have. Metacognition is a way that you can stop, reflect, and decide, am I being authentic here? And if I'm not being authentic here, how high a price am I paying for this relationship? And is that worth it? And let me just answer that for you. It's not. I don't care how long, how deep, or how good, bad, whatever this relationship is ever could possibly be. There is no reason to ever sell out your authenticity. That is the essence of who you are. And the minute you start throwing that up for negotiation is the minute you've lost yourself. And once you've lost yourself, there's no hope for you. There's no hope. Your life is going to suck. And this relationship is probably going to be the catalyst to it sucking for a long, long time. Just be aware of that. I mean that this relationship will be the catalyst to your life sucking because inevitably you're just going to keep um patronizing her every single time. You know, you're going to keep making amendments to your constitution, to who you are as a man to accommodate having this girl in your life until one day you're going to wake up and you're not going to know who who you are anymore. You're just a completely different person. And uh and she shaped you into exactly the man that she thinks she wants you to be. And that's when she's going to leave you.
All right. So, the next one, this non-negotiable is autonomy. Now, I'm not just talking about the freedom to make uh to do the things you want and live the life that you want. That obviously that's what autonomy is. But decision-m decision- making, especially in your own life. So, in a relationship with a woman, they express opinions. They they do it either directly or indirectly. They give you examples, stories, whatever. They're telling you about past boyfriends or friends that they have, whatever, just experiences. And what they're doing through these conversations, more often than not, or a lot of the time, I should say, is they are giving you examples of the kinds of decisions that they're hoping that you're going to make on their behalf in the future. Yes. So it may be conversations about um going on trips, going to music festivals, going you know um vacations, um what you know kind of restaurants they want to go to, what kind of food they want to eat, what kind of movies they want to watch, all that stuff. Now I'm not saying that in this case that you can't have some negotiation. There can't be some give and take. But you need to have an awareness, a metacognitive moment here where you're clear about how much of your autonomy you're willing to negotiate with here. Now, autonomy is, you know, like I said, your ability to make decisions and live your life the way you choose. Now, if you choose to have her in your life, you can see how this becomes problematic to your autonomous thought thought processes because now you're conflating this relationship with your independent um authentic autonomy. So, just be aware of it. Now, I'm not saying, like I said, you can't negotiate, you can't have some give and take here when it comes to making decisions about what's going to happen within your relationship. Obviously, there's two of you in it, but just be clear how far you're willing to go with it because your autonomy and your authenticity overlap in sort of a you ven diagram kind of way. And there comes a point where you start giving up some of your autonomy in order to accommodate the relationship and it's going to drag a big piece of your authenticity into it as well. So, be really, really clear about, like I said, what you're willing to pay because the price of these relationships can be much, much higher than any of us fully realize, especially in the beginning.
The dating marketplace, like any other marketplace, is based on supply and demand. And when there is an equilibrium between these two mechanisms, there can be a uh harmonious relationship. But if there's more demand on one side and then there is supply on the other, then you're going to get yourself into a really bad situation because the price is going to keep going up and up and up. So, as a man, you need to make sure that you're on the supply side. this economic situation that you are the supply and she is the demand. If you find yourself in a relationship with a woman where she is the supply and you are the demand, you are not in control of this relationship and this relationship is going to cost you and cost you and cost you. The price for everything is going to go up. Um it's going to cost you your entire life if you allow it. um you will go 20, 30, 40 years into a relationship continually seeking that that supply and um she will be restricting that supply more and more and more until you just finally lose your mind, you know, and um she'll eventually leave you as you do because no one wants to be around with a crazy horny guy, you know, who's screaming about how terrible his sex life is. But anyway, knowing what you're going to pay getting into a relationship is really, really important. And understanding the economics of a relationship is also very important. Um, the ideal set of circumstances for any man is to be in a relationship with a woman who desires him. And the only way you can ever be a man that is desirable to a woman is to be complete in his masculinity and creating out his masculine frame. And that obviously means building out your life before you even consider having a woman in it. So for you younger guys who are thinking about having a relationship, you're just setting yourself up for walking that can that canyon rim in the middle of the night, you know, one step at a time, hoping you don't fall in that. But uh if you build out your life first and you establish who you are, what you want, and what your vision for your life is, and you have a clear destination in mind, well, then you can bring a woman on board and you can make her a part of the plan. But only when the supply and demand economics work out well and the price that you're paying is something that you can afford. You're not giving up your authenticity or large sections, large parts of your autonomy that you have those things under control and in balance because if you do overpay for a relationship, it's a price that never ever gets fully paid. It's like the mortgage that never ends and the interest rate keeps going up and up and up. I can think of, you know, metaphor after metaphor after metaphor. It's just a terrible situation. You are in debtor's prison when you're married. Yeah. So, don't let that be you.
You know, I guess the point of this video is just to recognize from the very beginning when you meet that attractive girl who's given you that little special feeling down deep inside and that romantic myth starts kicking in and you start imagining what life might be like, just be aware that you still have a rational mind. Break the glass on that that card of the things that you need to remember. Use your metacognitive abilities to think this through before you take action. Because if you're not coming at this with your rational mind and you allow your emotions to drive this experience and your imagination to create the template for how this is going to go, I can guarantee you that you're probably well, I shouldn't guarantee. It's not an absolute, but the likelihood that you're going to regret it is very, very high. The likelihood that this is going to go sideways is very, very high. the likelihood that you're going to end up in a relationship that you didn't intend to have with someone that you didn't really like from the beginning and may end up being something that dominates your life and determines the outcome of so many unquered questions at this moment that you are um in debtor's prison by the end. You know, you're married to a woman that you really don't like and that um has made you miserable for a long time, but you're a responsible guy, so you're committed and now you feel like you're trapped. And this is what happens. This is how it happens. I'm sure I've told the story of many of you guys just in this video today where the pink mist took over and the rational mind shut down and you found yourself standing at the altar with this girl and you thought, "Well, here we go. Let's see how this works out." You know, it's not good. It's not good.
Anyway, that's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed this video. By the way, if you're going through a divorce or you're having some issues with your significant other, I still do coaching. I still um enjoy the coaching sessions. Go to my website at johnnscriffin.com and um you know, hit me up. We can do a free consultation, do a 15-minute conversation, see if it's something that you want to do, if it's going to work out for you. But anyway, until next time, remember, stay healthy and if you can stay single.