Transcription
It's all junk. There's a lot of splashy YouTube videos out there right now that say it's all junk. And I think most of us would agree that our homes have been filling up with kind of mediocre, low-quality items. But I don't think it's the full story.
It's one thing to understand that, yeah, the inventory has crept up out of control for many of us. But it's another thing to know what to do with that stuff because we're all plagued with the same problem when we go to declutter. "What if I need it someday?" And so today, I don't want to worry so much about the quality of the item or even the quantity. I want to explain to you something called the responsibility trap and why I think we're being so unfair to ourselves when we turn decluttering into trying to predict the future because what if that is not actually our responsibility? What if we're not meant to hold something up and ask, "What if I need it someday?"
So my therapist actually, uh, first introduced me to this idea of the responsibility trap, and he was talking about it in terms of relationships, but I realized that it applies perfectly to our physical things as well. And so the responsibility trap is when we start taking responsibility for things that were never ours to carry. As women especially, we do this all the time because we feel a sense of responsibility for everyone's comfort and happiness, and even for providing for their current and future needs. And so we do it in our relationships, but then we also start doing this with our stuff as well without even realizing it. And so we end up placing this huge burden on ourselves to be able to predict the future and to know exactly what we're going to need in the future. And I've often heard anxiety described as trying to predict the future. And so, no wonder decluttering has felt extremely stressful to you in the past because for every item you hold up, you are trying to imagine what the future holds and if you could possibly use it again someday. And we feel like we're responsible for being prepared for every possible future version of ourselves and the others in our household, and sometimes even our neighbors and extended family, too, right? "What if I take up gardening?" "What if I lose weight?" "What if I gain weight?" "What if I go back to work?" "What if the kids need this three years from now?" And so over time, then our house fills up. Our basements, our attics, our garages, our storage rooms, they all reflect this sense that I need to hang on to this stuff just in case I need it in the future.
But here's what I want to propose to you. If we were meant to carry this burden, if we were meant to know what the future looks like and what we would possibly need in the future, I believe that we would somehow have that information. If we were meant to know the future, I believe we would somehow have that information. But the truth is that we don't. So what if that actually means then that we're actually only responsible for here today and the things that we need right now today? The things in our house that are currently serving us for this season of life. And we don't have to worry about the future because you've probably noticed this too, that today actually has enough needs of its own to keep me busy, right? Without having to worry about all the possible things that I could use in the future. And I want to acknowledge that this is a huge mindset shift. This idea that we could just live with the things that we need for today and we could let all of the other stuff go. I understand, like, there's a freedom in that thought, right? But there's also a fear attached to it as well.
But here's what I know. I've lived as a minimalist for the last 10 years. I've gotten rid of 95% of my stuff. And I don't miss any of it. That stuff was a burden. That was a weight. It was all wrapped up in fear and anxiety of a future that I cannot know and I cannot predict. And I think we've all experienced this in our own lives, too. If you would have asked me five years ago, "Hey Don, what are you going to need for the next five years?" I would have imagined myself living at my farmhouse. I don't want to get emotional about this. Uh, I loved gardening. I had curated my home. I loved the things that were in it. I would imagine a lot of the things would be the same, and probably some of the throw pillows would have been different, right? So if you would have asked me five years ago the stuff that I need for the future, it would have been completely different than my current reality. I never would have, in a million years, imagined I'd be living in this house. I never would have imagined that I would actually really want the stuff from my past because it was laced with sad memories. And while there's a lot of grieving that goes along with that, there's also a lot of freedom now being in a place where I am only trying to manage the stuff that I need right here today.
So, I really want to help lift that burden from you. I don't think it's natural for us to try and keep and store and save everything that we have accumulated in our homes. I do think a lot of it is junk. And junk being defined by stuff that's not adding value to our life. Physical items are meant to make our life easier and better. It should add value. It should serve you in this current season of life. And if it's not, again, I think it's okay for us to let it go.
So, how do we go about doing that? Well, there's one question that we can ask ourselves. Now, something that might actually be junk and you don't even realize it is your old worn-out mattress. Today's video is sponsored by Helix Sleep, and I've been sleeping on a Helix mattress for over 5 years now, and it helps me to get a great night's sleep every single night. Sometimes our mattress has broken down, and you don't even realize it, or it wasn't even made with premium materials in the first place. Once you sleep on a high-quality premium mattress, you will never ever want to go back. And did you know that Helix has been reviewed against hundreds of competitors and always wins? Recently, they were USA Today's most trusted brand. And the Helix Midnight Luxe has been ranked as the best overall mattress according to both Forbes and Wired. Now, with over 20 unique mattresses to choose from, including options for kids, too. You might be wondering, "Well, how do I know which one is just the right mattress for me?" I'm so glad that you asked. You just literally take one minute and go online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. They're going to ask you a few questions about your sleep, like, "What position do you normally sleep in?" "How firm do you prefer your mattress?" "Do you ever wake up with back pain?" And then they're going to match you with your perfect mattress, too. So, for me, it's the Helix Dusk. And then, like I said, your mattress will come conveniently rolled up in a box, shipped right to your door, and you're going to get their 120-night sleep guarantee. So, you get to test it out for over 3 months and make sure that it's just the right fit for you, too. And then beyond that, you also get a limited lifetime warranty. And right now is a really great time to upgrade your sleep because they have their Fourth of July sale going on where you can save 20% off sitewide. So whether it's time to fully upgrade your mattress or you want to try out one of those mattress toppers to make an existing mattress just a little bit more comfy. If you go to helixsleep.com/minimom, you're going to save 20% off sitewide. Then you're going to be sleeping awesome, and you're going to have a lot more energy and bandwidth and mental clarity to be making these decluttering decisions. Plus, you're probably in a better mood, too, and just feel better overall. We need good sleep. So, details where details should be.
But why don't we continue our conversation? Cuz usually when we go to declutter, this is Maggie's stuffed animal she's got. Usually we go to declutter, we hold something up and we say, "Should I keep it?" But that is not a helpful question at all. The question that we should be asking ourselves is, "Am I using it?" "Should I keep it?" is a very open, vague question that leads us into trying to predict the future. But "Am I using it?" There's a concrete answer to that. It's either yes or no. You're either currently using something or know you're going to use it in an upcoming season, or you're not. And we are creatures that have it. And, uh, it was, it was previously predicted that we use like 10% of the stuff in our house, but because the inventory has gone up so much, I have to imagine it's more like 5%. We use such a small fraction of the stuff in our home. So if we can switch the question from "Should I keep it?" to "Am I using it?", I think you're going to find that it's much easier to declutter your home.
And so I want to release you today from all of this pressure that we feel to never make a mistake and where we end up taking on more responsibility than what I believe we should when it comes to our stuff. And I don't think you will regret the things that you get rid of.
And so here I want to talk about regret. So I actually did a whole YouTube live on this not too long ago about regret. And so I can link to that as well. But what we talked about is that there was the world's largest study on regret. And what they found is that overwhelmingly, we regret things we don't do. We regret inaction, not action. And so the fear that you have is that you are going to get rid of it and then you're going to need it. And you may have even had that experience, and I'm going to talk about that. But what we find, and I see this all the time with the women in my membership community. I've gotten to work with thousands of women, which is the coolest thing ever, to declutter your homes. And I see so little regret of action. "Oh, I decluttered this and then I need it." What I do see is women say, "Oh, I decluttered this. I could have used it, but I used this instead, or I borrowed this from a friend or neighbor." It is, it's, uh, it's very light. It's like, "Oh, yeah." And we move on. What I do see a lot though is regret of inaction. "I never did get my house decluttered. I lived with all of this stuff and stress around me. My home never was the peaceful place that I was hoping it could be. I didn't feel level-headed with my kids." There's something cool I've been doing with my kids, I'll share at the end this summer, uh, too. Um, but the regret of inaction is huge. I see that it is so heavy, and it, it's harder to reconcile because when you have regret of action, you can just say, "Hey, I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time. I learned through this process. I grew through it." And often women will say, "And I'm net positive." Yeah, I could have used that thing, but all the stuff I got to move out, all the peace I get to have in my house, having a house that's easy to take care of, that's peaceful, people can stop by, and it's not a big deal. I feel present with my kids. Holy cow, that so far outweighs any regrets of things that I accidentally got rid of. So, that's a huge change, but you don't experience it until you're in it and you're decluttering. And hopefully, we can continue to stick together because I love helping you declutter, and I have lots of videos to do so, right?
Okay. But, but, but I know what happens because this is a very common occurrence where we are decluttering. We're decluttering, and we get rid of stuff, and we literally go get something to Goodwill, and then we get back home, and I'm like, "Oh, I could have used that for this party I'm hosting," or "My neighbor came across and asked for something. I literally just got rid of it." And here is why this happens. Because, uh, what I believe is if you had needed that thing a few weeks ago before you came across it when you were decluttering, you would not have even remembered that you had it. You would not have remembered that you had it. It wouldn't have even occurred to you. And so you wouldn't have felt bad about it. You still wouldn't have had it to use. You still couldn't have lent it to your neighbor because you didn't know where it was. But now what happened is that through the decluttering process, you were reminded that that thing existed. You did a great job. You asked the question, "Am I using it now?" "Nope, I'm not using it now. I don't see myself using it in the future. If you know for sure you're going to use it in the future, keep it." Right? But I'm not using it now. I don't know that I'm going to use it in the future. So, I'm going to let that thing go. And we've been reminded that we had it. So, now your brain is like, "Oh, I could have used that. I literally just got rid of it." And so that's a very common occurrence, but again, it's just because you're aware of the item now because of the decluttering process. And I really think that in the past, you wouldn't have remembered that you had it, or you wouldn't have easily been able to get it or know where it was. And it's very normal. Our brain is trying to protect us from pain. Um, it doesn't want us wasting money, wasting things. Again, I've talked about this a lot before. Your brain's wired to hoard. We store up in times of excess for lean times. The problem is we don't ever have lean times anymore, right? So, we just store, store. Okay. But that, that's how regret works. And that's why I want to tell you, I don't think you're going to regret getting rid of stuff. I think you're going to regret not getting rid of it.
But also, one last thing here, and I have the happy face down here, is this. Okay. So, let's say worst-case scenario, you're decluttering. You're really getting into it. You're like, "I just, I need this stuff out." You're feeling more peace in your home, and you're realizing the cost of storing all of this stuff, and you're like, "You know, it, it has to go. Like, I really just need this stuff to go." So, you get rid of stuff, and then again, you realize, like, "Oh, I could have used it." Here's what I want to encourage you. We should never let our mistakes define us. Please, please, please don't let that determine your worth or your decluttering abilities or let it belittle what it is that you are doing for your family. Mistakes should never define us. And honestly, I wouldn't even call it a mistake because again, I think if you're in motion, you're genuinely trying to do something good for you and your family. I wouldn't even personally call it a mistake. You know, 10 years ago when I just started decluttering my house, there was so little information out there about simplifying and minimalism. I, I literally, I would scour the internet. I'm like, "Just tell me how many forks to keep, how many towels," because I didn't want to make a mistake. I didn't want to accidentally go too far. And so, it was all trial and error. But I was willing to take the risk. I want to be a person who goes after it, who tries, who has a problem. I was drowning in my house. I felt like a crappy mom. And I didn't want to live like that anymore. I didn't like that feeling of always being behind and my stuff mocking me. I didn't want to live like that anymore. And so I said, "I don't know if this minimalism thing is going to be the answer that I'm looking for. I don't know, but I'm willing to try it out and take a risk because I don't want to live like this anymore." And so I did. And it was all a risk. It was, I would, you know, every single piece, who knows? I mean, I could use it in the future. I don't know. But I was willing to take that risk. And what I found, and the benefits, oh my goodness, over-the-top better than anything I could have ever imagined. And so I want to be a person that says, "You know what? I don't know if this is going to work, but I'm going to try it, and I'm going to iterate, and I'm going to collect data, and then I'll pivot. I'll use that information to make different decisions moving forward. But I want to be in motion. I want to be doing something, and I don't want to continue sitting around in this cluttered house feeling like crap about myself." And so that's what I decided for myself. You don't have to, honestly. Like, I just, this is not even prescriptive. This is descriptive because I just want to tell you there is a different way to live that we don't have to live with all of this around us.
So I want to share with you again my favorite tools for being able to do so. But something that's been really cool this summer, I always like to share, like, like, okay, the why, and then the how, right? So, my why this summer, and why I continue to keep my house so minimal right now to the point where I know many are like, "That's cold. That's not cozy." I don't care. It is easy. And that is what I need this summer. But I had this idea that I wanted to do Mom's Summer School of Life Lessons. And my kids are ages 11 through 16. So, I just hear the clock ticking so loudly, right? But the last few years have just, they've been chaotic. I turned our lives upside down, not just mine, but theirs, too. And I realized that there's actually a lot of lessons that I've been wanting to teach them that I haven't been able to. A big one is the dignity line. That is huge for me, and I want them to know that, too. But just also things about mindsets and money and some other, uh, relationships, right? Autonomy. So, it's just been on my mind for a long time, like, I really want to be able to do this with them. And this is the type of thing in the past that I would have these great ideas, and it would never, ever actually come together. But we've got to do it this summer, and we've been doing it, and I'm taking notes. I'll outline it. I'll share it more in the future. But it feels so good to do these things that I really want to do, that I always imagined I would do with my kids, and actually be able to follow through on it. And I believe a huge part of that is keeping my house highly simplified. Being willing to be a person that is in motion, learning not to take on more responsibility. Even with my own kids, I have to understand where does my influence end and my responsibility for them? And where are they just their own autonomous individual people? That takes a, like, that's not something that we just know, right? This has taken, like, a lot of thought and, you know, learning new things and different things about different ages and stages. And so I feel like even despite, uh, still a lot of lifey stuff going on behind the scenes, that I can be present with those things now, and we can have conversations around it. And even when the kids kind of stump me, I can be like, "Hey, good point. Good question. I'm going to circle back to that." Right? And so that has felt so good.
So let's talk about the two tools that I think are the most powerful things that you can use to get there quickly, to be able to declutter your home quickly, so that you can do the things you actually want to do with your life. Okay, so the first is the time will tell. I have been talking about this so much recently because I have seen firsthand the power of it. We are doing clutter camp inside of our membership community. Um, if you want to jump in for the month of July, we do storage spaces all in, so much decluttering gets done. So you can absolutely join us for that. But we've really been leaning on our time will tell bins this summer. And I have seen such huge transformations in women's homes by using this tool. So you just grab an empty Rubbermaid tote, Amazon box, and you put in the stuff that you don't know about. So we ask ourselves the question, "Am I using it?" And then you say, "No, but I spent money on it and so I have a really hard time letting this thing go right now." Right? And so if you're not quite ready to declutter it, but you know you're not using it, you put it into your time will tell bin. We time-test it for a few months. You will not believe the clarity that this brings.
And then the other item is the crap basket. Let me grab mine real quick. You can call it a clutter catcher. You don't have to call it a crap basket, but I have one of these that I use for like the main living areas of just little random stuff that accumulates. And then I also have one in our mudroom now, which has been so helpful. But clutter catcher, crap basket, just the little stuff that, uh, clutters up your surfaces, we put in here. But I do want to offer one piece of advice with this because I have been seeing some questions that, "Oh, but what if they turn into doom baskets?" or "What if I dread going through these now?" And I think the mindset shift of this is that it has all been time-tested. So again, what I'm finding because we do let a lot of junk into our homes now, a lot of worthless stuff that just really does not matter, is if we can group it all together in a basket like this, I really need to switch my mindset around it. When I look at this now, I'm thinking, "Your days are numbered till you all just get tossed into a black trash bag." Because if no one has gone looking for it, no one has retrieved it or needed it, then it's just a great way of realizing that this is excess. It's duplicate. It's clutter. It's junk. It's, it's not needed. So again, physical items in our home should be making our lives better or easier. So, if these things are not serving a purpose, they're not doing anything active in my household, then they're clutter, they're junk, they're unneeded. And so, I am time-testing it, and it's just a matter of time before all of this goes out of my house. So, I don't want you to think about it like, uh, I'm going to have to go through that basket item by item and hold it up and then decide on it again. No. When this starts filling up, we just make a quick pass through. Yep, I don't need any of it. Or like, "Oh, okay. I'm still not sure about this stuff. So, this I'm going to let stay in here. This I'm going to dump into my black trash bag." So, we have to downgrade it. And again, this idea that we've been taking this stuff too seriously. This is not serious stuff. A basket of photos? Yes. Different, right? A basket of diamonds? Oh my goodness. Right. No, this is just crap that we're time-testing. And the goal is for the whole entire basket to get dumped into a black trash bag, and that will feel so good. So, please don't look at this like deferred decisions or, "Oh, I'm still going to have to go through item by item." No. Quick pass through, dump the whole thing into a black trash bag. It has all been time-tested. You have good data to work with. We can't predict the future. There's nothing wrong with you. You shouldn't feel bad if there's something in there that you eventually need. No. I, I'm a person in motion. I'm going after it. I, I need a peaceful home more than I need the crap that is in this basket.
I was really trying to tell myself like not to get too wound up in this video. I'm like, "Don, you got to like chill out. I know I get talking bad sometimes and I feel like I'm like begging and pleading with you to get rid of your stuff." I was like, "We're just going to like, we're just going to have a nice calm conversation. Point to the whiteboard." All right. And now I'm just like, "It's just, you don't need it." So, anyways, I, I sincerely hope that this helps you to not take your stuff so seriously. For you to realize that all you can do is the best you can with the information you have right now. None of us can predict the future, nor do we want that burden. We don't need to be burdened with tomorrow. We just need to have a home that serves us and works for us today in this current season. That is all that you are responsible for. And I sincerely hope that you don't have people in your life that will ridicule you or criticize you if you would happen to make a mistake or get rid of something and then find you need it. That sucks. And I know that's sometimes playing in the back of our heads, too. It, it really depends how open-minded the people in our household are. But I, I do know how that can sometimes hold us back, but mostly it's usually the inner critic in our head, the inner ridicule that we're fighting against, not even always the outside ones. And so that's where I just want to tell you today, like, be a person in motion. Be a person that is just doing the best you can with the information you have because you deserve a peaceful home, and certainly the other people in your family, and even your pets, too. They can pick up on the stress, too. Everyone in your household will benefit from a simplified, peaceful home, and I really want that for you. So, not too late to join us for clutter camp. I would love to help you get all your storage spaces whipped up and in shape this summer yet. But otherwise, we'll keep hanging out here on YouTube as well. So, I hope you subscribe so we can spend more time together. I'll put some links for some videos. Now, if you're ready to like, really go in on decluttering, I'm going to put my latest kitchen video. So good. So good. And my playlist of long-format decluttering videos. I love you. I hope you have a really good day, and I'll see you again soon.