Fearful avoidant explained

Here's what someone who's fearful avoidant wants you to know.

I had a need for security from a parent, but they were also the cause of my fear. This greatly impacted my ability to trust. Sometimes that parent was kind and loving, and other times they were scary and unpredictable. I never felt safe enough to fully be in my body, so I spent most of my time dissociating and daydreaming.

I really crave being close to you, but I have an intense fear of rejection. So I subconsciously do things that'll sabotage our relationship. I can be really passive-aggressive when I'm triggered. It's like you have to pull things out of me because I never learned healthy communication patterns.

Any change in your behavior sends me to fight or flight. If you don't text me, or if I feel like you're being distant, I can get irrationally angry or shut down. My brain registers these changes as threats, and I really struggle to soothe myself or to calm down.

I'm ashamed of how I react a lot of the time. I struggle to apologize and just pretend it didn't happen because I feel so guilty about it.