Transcription
We've all been there. Someone asked you to do something without even thinking about it. You say yes. Then you get home, you think about the multitude of things on your task list, and you kick yourself, wondering, "Why did I say yes to that?"
If you resonate with this, you may be a chronic people pleaser.
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Hello friends. I'm Ashley Stahl, career coach, host of the U-turn podcast, and best-selling author of the book also named U-turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, and Design Your Dream Career. And don't worry, you're not alone. As a career coach, I hear from overwhelmed people time and time again who, for some reason, just can't say no. They constantly question why they seek validation and if people like them. They go out of their way to make others happy, even if it means putting their needs aside.
So, if you're one of these people, I'm here to say that it's time to put boundaries in place and stop your chronic people-pleasing right in its tracks. Whether you believe it or not, you do have the power to say no. People-pleasing is a learned behavior that can be unlearned with effort and action. After all, that one uncomfortable moment of saying no is so worth sparing yourself days of resentment and frustration.
According to Dr. J. Early, expert on people-pleasing, he talks about how people-pleasing behavior stems from fear and the assumption that others are in control of you. He goes on to say that people-pleasers may have learned to put others first and that it's their job to make them happy. In other words, they learn somewhere along the way in their lives that their feelings and their needs don't really count.
If you feel trapped in this mindset, there's no better time than the present to change it. Here's how to heal your people-pleasing syndrome.
Number one: Remember that you have a choice and that you come first. When we suffer from people-pleasing syndrome, or what I like to call PPS, we often say yes without even thinking about it. We often feel like we have to say yes for someone when they ask for help. Give yourself a reminder that you always have the choice to say no. You never need to do something for someone else, and remember, your physical and mental health always comes first and foremost. It's like the oxygen mask analogy. You need to put on your own mask before you can help someone else. It's the same thing in life. You can't take care of people if you're not even taking care of yourself.
Number two: Remember that taking on too much actually hurts relationships instead of helping them. Relationships are based on trust and integrity. When we make promises we can't keep, it's a form of self-sabotage, and it's a cycle. We say yes, and honestly, we believe we can do it, and we want to. And if you don't know thyself and know thy limits, ultimately, we fail. Externally, we're left with a disappointed person in our lives who's lost trust in us. Internally, our self-esteem has been chipped out because we didn't really follow through on something that we said that we would do. Becoming a chronic people pleaser is pretty much always a lose-lose situation. The health of our relationships depends on our ability to follow through and be authentic. Do you really want to build relationships through a desperate version of yourself? When we do too much for others, we not only have less time for the people in our lives that matter, hurting those relationships, but the person we promise something to can no longer trust us if we can't hold it all and deliver. In a way, people-pleasers become so overcommitted that they actually aren't committed to anything at all.
Number three: Let go of the idea that other people's opinions matter. The need for external acceptance is a basic human instinct, but some desire it more than others. In fact, according to research by Tony Robbins, one of the most well-known life coaches, the desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs. It's ingrained into us from birth. Most of us have an undying need or attachment for the approval of others. And yet, seeking approval from others is a sure-fire way to unhappiness and unfulfillment. In the end, the only opinion that truly matters is your own. You've got to feel good about you.
Number four: Try not giving an answer immediately. Sometimes, when someone asks us to do something, our initial instinct is to give them an answer right away. After all, that's what they want to hear, right? But instead, if you really do struggle with people-pleasing, I challenge you to give yourself a little life raft and simply say, "Let me get back to you on that." And this doesn't mean you leave the person hanging. No one likes that. Give them a timeline for when they should expect an answer and follow through with that. We need to learn to do what's best for us, not what's best for other people. Sometimes it's okay to take care of yourself first. It doesn't mean you're selfish or uncaring or lazy. It means that you're doing the best thing for yourself at that moment, and the important people in your life should understand this. People who don't understand your boundaries are ones who tend to struggle with setting their own boundaries. No need to suffer with them.
Number five: Learn how to set boundaries. This can be a whole video in and of itself, but over time, many of us let our boundaries fade, or maybe you set them, but you don't uphold them. Boundaries, they don't come with the situation. You create them, and you decide on them as you go. So you need to be armed and ready to protect yourself. Boundaries are a radical act of self-love. They show the world where you start and end.
Number six: Be assertive. Sometimes people say yes only because they don't know what to say or how to express themselves with clarity and confidence. They worry that they may sound aggressive or impolite. That, or they're so meek that they get pushed into saying yes. But there's a way to say no respectfully, without offending anyone or being forced into a yes. Be completely direct, honest, and clear. You want to aim for a calm but confident demeanor. Using "I" statements is a good method for assertive communication. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when you give me extra projects. I'd like to get some projects delegated to other people." Notice how this statement is right to the point, respectful, honest, and shows confidence. This gives the person asking you to listen without becoming defensive or offended. Most people will respect that.
And remember, if you suffer from people-pleasing syndrome, saying no takes practice. Start with small "no's" and work your way up. With practice and consistency, you'll be able to be a master at saying no before you know it. And in the meantime, I'll put my favorite U-turn podcast episodes below on how to set boundaries.
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