Transcription
Translator: Hani Eldalees
Imagine this, you're going on a boat trip, you're getting on with your family, you've got your bags, and the captain comes out to greet you and says, "Hi, um... my name is Montana... Von Fless. Ah, so... I'll be your captain for this trip... (exhales) So, ah... (laughter) Oh, boy... let's just have a great trip. Sorry." (laughter) No. Get me off this boat. (laughter) What we want in that moment is for the captain to come out and say, "Hi, my name is Montana Von Fless, I'll be your captain for this trip. Let's have a great trip." The point is that when you are the speaker, you are the captain of that trip, and how you show up really matters.
Over the last 17 years, I've coached thousands of speakers all over the world, from big tech companies to small startups, and everyone, from new hires to Fortune 500 CEOs, wants to know, how do you show up and look confident? So I'd like to share my top five tips on how to be confident, even if you're not. So let's break it down. What's the difference between these two captains? What did you see? What did you hear? And not just, "One looked nervous, and the other looked confident." But what was I doing differently to make you believe that? Different volume, different words, certainly different body language. But the truth is, I wasn't feeling particularly confident. I was just making some physical and vocal choices to make you believe that. You can do that too. Anyone can do that.
So, what are those confident-looking choices? Number one. Turn up the energy and speak. When you speak, even just a little bit, it comes across as confident, and you don't have to shout. Think of it this way. On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5. Yeah, it goes up to 11, (laughter) but you can just aim for a five. I'm at a five right now. I can bring it down to a three here. That was the nervous captain here. And bring it back up to a five, and you come across as ready and positive and confident. So turn up the energy and speak.
Number two. Pause... like a boss. (laughter) Nervous speakers tend to speak too quickly, right? And when they do have a pause, they fill it with verbal filler and ums and ahs. However, if you try to speak more slowly, it comes across like this, right? And that's not ideal. So instead, make strategic pauses. Pause at the transition. Pause to focus. Pause... like a boss. (laughter)
Number three. Superhero pose. Imagine you're a superhero. You can do this from your seat. How does a superhero sit? Yes. Let that change your posture. I see you. Yes. Let that put a smile on your face and get better eye contact. All of that comes across as confident, and faking being a superhero is just a really quick way to get confident-looking body language. Now, this also goes up to 11. (laughter) But you can just aim for a five, and that'll be great. Put on that cape and go save the day. And you can stand in the superhero pose backstage to boost your confidence, but I say bring that superhero pose onto the stage so your audience sees you as confident. And if you need an easy shortcut, just strike the pose. Just strike a confident person pose. Your audience can't read your mind. They don't know how you're feeling, so just strike the pose and they will go with it. Like, if you came to my house for dinner and I opened the door and said, "Hi, come on in, we're having chicken." (laughter) You'd say, "Oh, is this a bad time?" (laughter) You know, you have to strike the pose of a good host. Strike the pose of a smile, right? Instead of a crossed-arm pose, open it up. "Welcome. Come on in." If you're not sure if you're making confident-looking choices, you can just video yourself and watch it back. I feel like I just saw you say, "Um, don't do that." (laughter) I know most people don't like watching themselves, I get that. But wouldn't you rather... make that adjustment before you're in front of your audience? Yes. Videoing yourself is a great way to check that you're doing the techniques, but also to make sure that you're still your authentic self, your version of the confident captain.
Now, how do you do all of these things on performance day? Number four. Practice with purpose. So, put yourself on a practice schedule. Put it in your calendar. You can give yourself a little reward when you do a run-through. And make it purposeful practice by giving yourself a specific goal or adopting a new confident captain persona each day. If it's a week out from your event, aim to run it all the way through at least once a day. If you don't have time for a run-through, just do the opening and closing, run that three times in a row from anywhere. When you're in the bathroom, when you're walking your dog, when you're making a meal for your kids. I know my kids are very used to me pacing around the house talking to myself. All you have to do is get those repetitions in. And don't be afraid of over-practicing. Don't let that stop you. You can just ditch your verbatim script if it starts to sound robotic. And you can still use your bullet point speaker notes to remind yourself of what you want to say and invite yourself to say it a little bit differently each time to keep it fresh. And let me be clear, I mean practically standing up, saying it out loud, imagining your audience and inviting them in, clicking your slides, and doing it as if it were the day, whether that's virtual or in person. And I know it might feel funny saying it out loud to yourself, but think about when you learn a new sport, or when you practice a musical instrument. If you have a piano recital on Friday, and you got new music on Monday, are you just going to read your music every day and then play it for the first time at the recital on Friday? No way. Yet, I see speakers do that all the time. Give yourself a chance. Practice makes perfect. And you can really boost your confidence by practicing with purpose by adopting a new persona each day.
Okay, those first four personas, they're all about how to show up confidently, regardless of how you feel. I have one more technique for you, and it's a big one. But this is the real gem. It's the one that makes all the others shine. This is number five, the silent sentence. This is about what you choose to say to yourself. I've been a professional performer since I was a child, and I've always loved showing up on stage as an actor, as a speaker, as a facilitator. And at the same time, I was not only often nervous, but sometimes downright terrified of getting on stage. I would shake, I would sweat, and I would say, "What was I thinking? Why am I doing this to myself?" And all these unhelpful voices would flood in. And I would just try to stop it, push it away. And of course, that never worked. And I kept getting on stage because I love it. And years later, when I became a speaker coach, I was asked to do all these professional gigs, and they went well, but I still had no way to deal with this immense anxiety. And I said, "What can I do?" And I thought, "Well, what do I say to myself?" "What if I mess up? I better be perfect." I realized I was giving myself impossible instructions to be perfect. And that really wasn't working. But what would work? What would be a better message? And to figure that out, I had to go back to square one. Like, what do I want? Why did I say yes to this speaking gig? What is my deeper purpose here? And I realized at the core of it, I just want to help my audience to the best of my ability. And when I said that, I noticed everything change. And that's where I found my first silent sentence. I want to help my audience to the best of my ability. When I said that, even silently to myself, it acted like this override switch. Like I was still shaking and sweating, but now I had this higher purpose, this deeper purpose, and everything aligned with that. And that became my top priority. I want to help you. And now, this thought replaced those unhelpful thoughts and everything went better in my performance. And I said, "Yes, it worked. Yay!" Then I said, "Wait, how do I do this every time? Especially when the stakes are high." And it dawned on me, if I'm writing and scripting the words I say out loud, why not write and script the words I say silently to myself? Put it in the script. It's the silent part of the script. And now, every time I practice, and every time I walk on stage, and every time I join a virtual meeting, I say the following, new, evolving silent sentence, "I invite you to be here with me while I'm here with you so that I can facilitate it for you." Now, that invitation to myself to be present, that's my definition of stage presence, of being present. And that invitation to the audience to be my partner, reminds me that these are friends, not foes. And I choose to be here. And now I'm not just striking the pose of a good host. I'm truly a good host because I'm truly welcoming you into my world.
Now, how do you find your silent sentence? What do you want? What is your deeper purpose? It could be like me, and you just want to help people. Or it could be something more specific. For example, you might want at least one person in your audience to go out and take a CPR class. Or maybe you're just so excited to have this experience or to share with them some great solutions to their problem. You can fill in the blank and define what you want to achieve. And it's not about graduating to a higher level of existence where you never feel nervous again. Yes, I know I haven't. I was feeling a tremendous amount about 15 minutes ago (laughter) while I was getting ready to walk on this stage. And I, and I probably always will be, a recovering perfectionist. That's the well-worn path in my brain. It's there, it's there, it can't be erased. But now I have this other path. And when moments of significance like this come, I can choose. And that's what I was doing back in the wings. I was choosing to gently insist on repeating my silent sentence to set myself up for success. What we say to ourselves really matters. We follow our own instructions all day long. Our whole selves are always listening. So when you notice that something isn't going well, or you fear that something might not go well in the future, use this checklist. What am I saying to myself? What's broadcasting? And then replace that with a better sentence to help set you up for where you want to go. And most importantly, put it in the script and practice it. Practice it just like the words you say out loud. So if you're running your opening in the bathroom three times in a row, you'll still do it silently, out loud, silently, silently, silently, out loud, until it's deeply ingrained and it's just part of your process, and it's repeatable and reliable. And then it's available to you just when you need it.
Now, I want to leave you with this final thought. When you're at home practicing some of these techniques, like turning up your energy and speaking, pausing like a boss, superhero pose, practicing with purpose, and the silent sentence, please know that it might feel uncomfortable at first because it's new and that's okay. But think about the time that I was showing the nervous captain at the top. How did that make you feel? Then when the confident captain came out, "Oh, what a relief. Now I can sit back and enjoy the ride." Remember that feeling of safety that you had as an audience member and bring that into your next practice. You can give that gift to your audience. You can reach outside of your comfort zone to make your audience feel safe by making confident captain choices. And who knows? You might even enjoy it. I wish you a great trip. (Cheers and applause)