Transcription
You know, some people are now saying there's no NPD, there's just narcissistic traits. What's your opinion of that?
I think there is NPD. Let me just spend a minute on the range of narcissism. One of my mentors wrote an article saying we should ditch the term because it has so many meanings. But we didn't ditch the term. We have to understand the different meanings. Narcissism has to do with the libidinal investment of the self, putting one's loving feelings in oneself. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you put them in others as well. So, healthy narcissism, which we all, I hope, have, is feeling good about your own accomplishments, liking what you do, liking who you are, a realistic satisfaction in your life. Not having excessive expectations, not belittling yourself, just a realistic satisfaction, contentment with who you are, the way you invest your energy in life, and the results of that.
Narcissism begins to get pathological when the libidinal investment, the loving feelings, are exclusively directed toward the self and don't also go toward the outside world, towards others. So, somebody with narcissistic traits might be sort of a somewhat self-important guy. Going back there, assuming it's a guy, you know, who likes to be the center of attention. But, you know, he uses his energy to run a successful business, and people are a little bit annoyed by his self-importance, but he functions in the world. He has a wife and a family and a business that functions. He might reap the benefits of his good feeling about himself. But when we have these narcissistic traits, we begin to see less of an emotional investment in those around the person. So, he might not have the same level of intimacy and in-depth relations as somebody else, but he can have an OK life.
What I call narcissistic personality disorder is when there's a specific psychological structure at the core. Personality disorders is the quality of one's sense of self and others. It's not just about emotional dysregulation, which is part of the picture, but who am I? The narcissistic self, what we call the pathological grandiose self, just takes in, sort of like a vacuum cleaner, just absorbs everything that's supposed to be good and even ideal. That's me. Anything that's negative is seen as outside of the self. But the problem is that structure is a little hard to maintain because it doesn't correspond to reality. And yet, some narcissistic defenses are so strong that the person maintains they're going to defend themselves against all odds, no matter what the world is telling them. They hold on to it. Where some others are fragile, what we call thin-skinned as opposed to thick-skinned narcissists, as soon as something challenges their grandiose self-view, they fall into a million pieces and have to retreat to their isolation at home.
A brief clinical example. A 28-year-old woman was referred to me by her dad. He was very concerned about her. She didn't know what his problem was. So, turns out she'd graduated from college, and for the next five, six years, was sitting around in an apartment that he was paying for, doing nothing with her life. She said she was just, you know, focusing on what she was interested in. She liked to meditate. She'd spent a lot of time meditating. I have nothing against meditation. I think it's great. But usually, somebody wants to include some involvement in the world along with it. Anyway, when I get to the part of the clinical interview and I said, you know, most people, you know, at some point in their life decide to do some kind of work, some kind of career. Have you thought about that? Because there was no evidence that she had. And she said, in a very dismissive way, like I was an idiot, she said, "Well, of course I've thought about that. When I decide it's time for me to work, I'm going to be the head of a major film studio in Hollywood." Now, we all know you don't just walk in and say, "Hey, I'll take over the studio." But that was her grandiose self that protected her from a deeper sense of not being able to do anything in the world. So, she was isolating, doing nothing with the false narrative that, "Oh, I'm gonna be a great studio head."
Narcissism has a lot to do with self-narratives, which is a somewhat different perspective on narcissism. But we all develop a narrative of who we are. The question is, how well does that narrative correspond to our real place in the world? And how much is that narrative just totally disconnected from reality? What we would hope to see in people is a realistic sense of self, where one's good qualities and bad qualities are all integrated together in a complex, enriched whole sense of self that includes loving feelings, aren't angry, and even hateful feelings, but we accept the whole range of the human experience. That's an integrated and complex self. I think there's an epidemic of narcissism now, where for a lot of complicated reasons, young people like this lady are isolating in their parents' basements because they can't take on the challenges of life, and they're left sitting in these little, as I say, islands of isolation, fantasizing about who they might be and not ever being anything.