Transcription
So if we only remember, uh, the agony of trauma bonding, the agony of torture, but there's the other side, the intimacy and the ecstasy of it. Maybe that's what makes trauma bonding, repetition compulsion, and all that stuff so sticky. Who's our first ecstasy, agony, torturer? Probably our parent. Yeah, when you lose the, when you lose the good breast, or you have the good breast and the bad breast, and people get stuck in that, that initial schizoid split. Or if that has an added trauma on top of it, the parents or the caregivers have a fight along with that good and bad breast, that adds some extra energy, extra agony to your supply of, uh, your nurturance supply, comfort supply, unpredictability of it. Yeah, but then it's also bad, it punishes you. Or so then you create a moral judgment towards the bad figure. But the bad figure also is a supply of ecstasy. It's a supply of food, it's a supply of protection. How do you tolerate that split? See, it's a double bind. That could be the early double bind.
But how many people have communities where you're openly describing the ecstasy of the torture or the ecstasy of the trauma bond? But I went back to four years ago, March 2020, the early Zoom of talking about pain in the language of agency. And that sort of talks about how pain can rip away your ability to speak language. So then you merge with the abuser, or you merge with the torturer, you merge with the caregiver. You share the intimacy of the injury and the pain and the intensity. They don't feel your pain because pain is localized in your body. They can read your body's reaction of pain, so they can sense your pain, but they don't, they don't feel your pain. But they also, there is emotional contagion where they can give you a story to label your pain, to say, "I'm punishing you because you didn't do this." Or you can label your pain by saying, "I don't deserve this pain because this person's bad." So you create a moral story to contain that agonizing and ecstasy expansive pain. Pay attention inward now. Pay attention inward now.
One of the goals of this meeting was, I was going to try to use my story as a teaching container. You can contain pain and agony through your story. But codependents suck at hearing story, they'll distract it at a hero. So through this three-hour meeting, there was all this wrestling and setup and hesitation about the story that was upcoming. So I cut a lot of that out to get to the story. And then the story is linked to pain in language of agency and torture. So this is a story of me wrestling with caregiving for my dad who had dementia the last two and a half years and dealing with a lot of that emotional flooding. So his pain is unexpressable, or it adds delusions, psychosis. And then my pain of being caregiver is invisible because he's not going to remember it. He forgets, he's not tracking what we're doing as caregivers. But then we're also continuing to love that. That is agonizing. That is torture. I can't control his delusions. One time where he gets angry at us because he doesn't like his freedom being restricted. "You guys aren't taking care of me here. I'm hungry. It's easy to feed me when I'm hungry. What's wrong with you guys? I'm overwhelming y'all. I can do it better. Let me go out and find my own job." My dad, myself, and he's got all this anger and frustration believing the story. I take it personally. My emotions take it personally. My willingness to receive help, invisible pain takes it personally because my life is upended. I'm already broken from my past traumas and isolated, and I'm putting all my heart into trying to navigating this fuck up between the margins, massive medical caregiving. So he's escalating. Mom's checking out because that's what she does. I'm absorbing the energy and then I redirect anger.
So this is a scenario in the kitchen in Winchester. Uh, my dad is throwing a tantrum, let's say an adult tantrum. He doesn't like receiving help, he doesn't like restrictions. I think we had, uh, started limiting him from walking out or wandering because that's dangerous for dementia people, right? But he's not going to understand that. So he's going to see that as restrictive, negative. And then who's he going to attack? The, the, the gatekeeper, me and Mom are. I'm worried about him running out and disappearing or doing something stupid. That's common for the dementia patient. So I'm trying to protect him. He's saying he wants the freedom, he, he trusts his navigation, he has a difference of opinion, he has a different subgroup, deluded psychosis subgroup. Maybe this was after he wandered back and then we maybe scolded him or something, or maybe the doors were locked and he got angry. So we had this in the, around the kitchen table and Mom's just whatever. And so I'm taking it personal. Maybe this is why I can take things personal. I don't take other things personal because this was my dad saying we're worthless after toils of spending my, sacrificing my whole life and researching how to take care of the stuff and the medical system not giving me any, any details. And then watching dad's capacity fall away, fall apart right in front of my day by day. And then I redirect anger. Where do I redirect anger? I redirect at him or redirect direct at me. What do I do? You blame yourself. I play martyr. I don't blame myself. I defend myself like I haven't done enough. I haven't hurt myself enough, right? I've done all this. So I escalate on me. But I'm doing this without language because it's in the moment. I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm chaotic. He's escalating, dumping irrational bullshit on me. He's in a delusion. I can't fix his delusion. I'm triggered. I go with it. I go more crazy. So I'm in a kitchen, he's in the kitchen dining table. I go for a device to escalate. Oh, okay. So then now here's a little bit of escalation in the real time. I spread it out faster, but that would take this, make this clip long. So the pace of this is a bit fast. Any guesses? A knife? It coming knife? She said a knife. So I take this knife. I verified with my mom today. Have it? She don't remember any of the rest of the story. So I pull this knife out. We still use it. And I threaten to self-cut myself. See, use it. L. Now this is great for cooking, but also this is a very dangerous weapon to threaten to stab yourself. Lost my sense of self, got caught up in the moment, acted it out. Why? Because there's no language for pain.
So this story was trying to illustrate when you don't have language for pain, then you, you get triggered. We, we know that we have that language, and then you act it out, or you have the roles that kick in, and you repeat the old patterns of the past. But when you're, when you're in pain, your, your pain wants to speak, it wants to be expressed. So it gets expressed by moralizing, blaming, attacking, acting out. Then you judge. You judge the behavior. Somebody else judges the behavior. That keeps that traps that language of agency. So then you fixate on the language of agency instead of the original pain expression. If you understand the nature of torture, then we can understand the nature of ecstasy. And don't people want more ecstasy? Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe this is a path of ecstasy. Would that be worth a little pain? Would that be worth some reliving of trauma? Would that be worth dropping blaming people and trying to monitor police defenses and shit? Let's turn our agony into ecstasy. Let's turn torture into ecstasy.
Number one, your pain is invisible to others. Did anyone have like migraine headaches in the past? Have you tried to describe it to other people? Do they like give you like stuff like, "Go take Tylenol, go take a nap"? Did those people get your pain? Was there any way you can talk to share your pain of a migraine headache to someone else, even if they're right in front of you and they see you do see it happen multiple times? Is that part of why people go to support group meetings? Because these are fellow sufferers? So those people share this sort of unspoken, unspeakable pain. So we're drawn to that. Maybe that's also why we're drawn to narcissists and abusers because they also share trauma. That's part of this new theory that, oh, narcissists and abusers are also traumatized, and everyone has trauma. So let's all have a love fest to traumatized people to rescue each other out. But let's turn the torture fest into an agony and ecstasy fest, and we turn that torture into ecstasy.
So, number one, pain is invisible to others. A lot of this validation, empathy, safe space type, uh, narrative, that's a language of agency. That's an injunction. That's a language to cover up pain. So that's a language, that's that's a contract that's thrown out there that if you go into a new group, you deserve safety, you deserve emotional safety. What's the opposite of emotional safety? Unsafety. Unsafety is like pain, panic, paranoia, fear, negative emotions, pain, right? So, because pain is invisible to others, you have this pain of unsafety. When you go into this new place and you, you're being told to expect, uh, you're being told to expect safety, validation, blah, blah, blah, that's supposed to cover up your pain. That's supposed to be number three or two, probably three.
So pain obliterates, obliterates language. That's part of one too. They're one. They both are. They, they're not sequential. But number three, unstable, fragmentary verbalization of language of agency makes pain more invisible. So you can mask your pain with both hope and suffering. Number three, unstable, fragmentary verbalization of language of agency makes the pain more invisible. That's a way to contain and cover up the pain, to dismiss the pain, to devoice the other person. And you have two flavors of devoicing somebody. You can devoice somebody with hope and suffering, hope or suffering. And then hope, suffering is essentially agony and ecstasy. But you're not getting the pure ecstasy because you're getting away from the actual torture. You're hanging on the language of agency as a substitute for torture, which means you get hope that's empty, and you don't get ecstasy. Why would we do this? Don't we want ecstasy and rapture? We don't like how pain takes us over. One, two, pain is invisible, and pain obliterates our language. So we cling to number three to have a sense of agency, to have a sense of control. A good torturer will actually give us the language of agency. That's the double bind. They, they'll cause pain. They, they'll restrict the reward. They'll restrict the, the good breast. And they'll say, "If you want the breast, it's your fault because you didn't do this, or you didn't do this, or you cause pain on me." That's double bind. So now you're responsible for my, my feelings. If you make my feelings good, then I will give you a reward, uh, every now and then. So I can make it torturous for you because that's agonizing, but it's also ecstasy when you occasionally get the, the yummy milk. It's torture. Is that torture? I'm describing the dynamics of torture. So I can be enabling you guys to become abusive torturers, or good dominatrixes, or, or good sales. All this, all these tactics work in multiple domains. Social media probably uses this. They'll give you, they'll give you a social media hit, don't mean hit, and then they'll take it away. Or they say, "Oh, follow this one, follow this one." Good content creators will give you the hit and they'll, they'll leave you wanting. They'll leave you lacking. They'll leave you empty. They'll steal your attention away, leave you empty. And but they'll give you another sugar hit next time. Oh, number four is also good.
Pain cannot be denied and cannot be confirmed. Oops. This is obvious, but it's hard to, it can be hard to digest. This is part of the dynamic of why torture works so great. Pain cannot be denied and cannot be confirmed. If you have pain, that's certain. If you're not certain about that, let me kick you in the teeth. Can't do it over Zoom, sorry. The abuser can gaslight you, can do reactive abuse, can whatever, whatever tactic that we're judging. They can, the narcissist can, can fuck with you. You feel like you're fucked. You feel like you're being manipulated. I feel like this generated bullshit words. I felt like I was being, I was being invited to join his frame, and I don't want to because I can't remember big words. He was also trashing mine because it was competition. I was okay letting him trash mine. And the invitation to join his frame, I, I, I felt a bit disrespected. So I was wanting to act out his, his pain because he was sort of shoving that doubt to hear pain. He was trying to shove that doubt as a power game. Academics do this. Dear therapists would do that. So you catch a narcissist, uh, overstepping or misinterpreting you, then they can just do the flip around like, "Well, oh, it sounds like you're triggered. Well, go inside and what's happening in there? Stop looking at what I did. Stop tracking me. Stop critiquing. Sat, look inside yourself. Look inside your pain because that's certain. Your comment about me and everything else, that's doubt." I can always, so doubt, doubt might be the terror, a panic, paranoia, paranoia, schizoid split. I haven't figured out how to describe that dynamic, but we put a lot of time on the schizoid side, the murderous rage side. But if we, if we actually get rid of the murderous rage side, then we have excess paranoia. And the excess paranoia is the, to hear pain is doubt. So someone can cry wolf on pain and whatnot, and you have doubt because you're out of touch with the proper balance of paranoia, schizoid. That's hard to, to break down. That'll have to be future, something.
So pain cannot be denied and cannot be confirmed. To have pain is certain. Deny your pain is to have doubt. So people come here, the superm house, come here, fragile narcissists come here. They know that if you hear pain, there's doubt. So when they tell their story and you don't hear their pain, they get aggressive and start demanding like a fragile narcissist that comes here in person. They'll start leaking their story of pain, and it'll be missing something like any actual pain or any actual abuse, actual details of the abuse and the torture that they're performatively faking victim to. His missing details. Where's the evidence? When you ask for it, they just kind of shift a little bit. Yeah. So they know that in a natural environment where they don't control things, if they're sharing their pain, people respond with doubt. So they block that feedback. So they come to these groups. So they come to therapists and they start being aggressive victims trying to block the, to hear pain is doubt, to supplant a new language of agency onto other people, to give them supply, to join them in the shared fantasy. Shared fantasy is just a complicated language of agency, a little more story and some added stuff. But it's just, you have a core pain, and then you have this layer of language of agency. Someone's to blame me, or you, or universe is to blame. The universe should should rescue me. Same thing. Then you add some other stuff, and then you get away from the pain. You get away from the agony. You get away from the ecstasy. You get away from the torture. You get away from intimacy. Very boring.
There's these three things to the structure of the torture process. What's number one? Someone read it to me. Inflict great physical pain and intensify with questions. Oh, intensify with questions. So if you can't inflict great physical pain, you can ask questions that can evoke a wound. So if you can't physically punch a person over Zoom, you can intensify questions or phrase language that's intense or whatever. So who understands number one? Can you give an example of that? Like what kind of question? "What the fuck's wrong with you, Holly? Everybody else is getting this." What are you asking? "Why are you so fucking stupid?" Was that an example? I imagined it would be more subtle. Yeah, could you? Well, yeah, you could subtly. This is to give you an example. So I'm gonna vomit in your fucking face. Okay? Do you get the example? Do you see how easy it is to do number one? You don't have to be smart to be a narcissist. You don't have to be smart to give torture. You just have to be mean. Go hang out with some teenage girls. Yeah, I think I have access. Number one, inflict great physical pain and intensify with questions. You can do either or. You can intensify questions. You could add judgment. Find the person's moral weak point and just put a spear into their heart. Beautiful. No, it's ugly. It's horrible. I'm morally judging. Number one, yes. This is genuine sincerity in my face. I, I hate, I hate this method of torture. I think this should be like totally unknown to people. Look at how, how compassionate I am. That's why I need vodka. Vodka and cola, right? Well, some of us get training in our families for this, right? You learn the formula one, two, three. So you use the one, two, three formula to get heard and seen. So once the person does one, two, three to something that you judge as hate, hateful, it's fair game for you to do the same thing. You get to join in the torture. And that's the ecstasy because all your ecstasy is is just language of agency games, blame games, instead of just pure pain, shared pain and ecstasy, pure, pure agony and ecstasy. Why, why don't you guys want that? Or maybe you already have it. I don't. This is just talking to the air.
So number one, well, whatever. Number two, who wants to read number two? Amplify pain continually shifting highly internal subjective experience to external objectification. Pain deconstructs and dissolves consciousness and world. So amplify pain continually. So this is a process after you open a wound. This is so amazing. I don't know, we should sell a course on how to torture people with these three steps and just give case studies, examples of how well it works. That would actually sell this case better because people don't, aren't going to believe the three steps, but logically it makes sense, right? So I could just have like a bunch of how-tos and then sell courses on this. Narcissists would pay. Where codependents want everything for free. That's judgmental. See, I'm evoking pain. So that's number one. I was doing another. So number two, amplify pain continually shifting highly subjective internal experience and then splitting the opposite side of external objectification. So do people see how this is external splitting? Or this is, uh, John Frederickson talks about an internal psychic conflict that gets translated into interpsychic conflict. So you have internal split of highly, uh, subjective and then then highly objective. So you have a feeling linked to a behavior, and then now you split it. So now you have a highly subjective feeling, like, "Oh, I saw this thing and this person got hurt," or "I got my flashback," and my flashback is caused because of some trigger outside, external objectification. I will get angry at the person that I hate or the trigger that's external objectification, and I'll try to amplify that pain onto the external target, the scapegoat. And my evidence of why, why, why it's happening is my highly subjective internal experience. And then if the person starts questioning that, then I amplify my highly subjective experience more. And then I laser focus on the external one thing, the one punishment critique. I focus on, I stonewall on the external objectification. You're the bad person, you did this, that's bad person, you do this, that's immoral. Doesn't matter. You choose one thing. Better to choose one thing that's small instead of choose something that's big because you're one thing. Tony Robbins, and you're in my face. You're all bad. I'm gonna, I don't care if other people liked you. I don't care if other people said their lives changed because of one thing that's highly subjective in my life, of my highly subjective internal thing. I'm going to ignore all the context, even you having like videos and movies to sort of show. I'm going to totally dismiss all that crap. Choose one thing of your life and totally use you as a fucking scapegoat and just hate you to hell. And it's great. He's my best friend, though. Yeah, along with Igor, and yeah, yeah, Igor was a bad objectification. And now, now that you see that there's a shared subjective experience, then now you can have the other person as your subgroup instead of your scapegoat. But if that other person is also scapegoating you back, then then you want to defend against their scapegoat because they're going to amplify their internal pain and blame you. "How dare you hate me?" So then you have two people to blame each other, and it's, then it's just no, then it's a stalemate. So then you just got to keep amplifying more, or you, or, or you get flying monkeys. So you get a bunch of flying monkeys with highly subjective experience. Yeah.
So does it ever end? Does it ever end? Well, it's not supposed to end because it's supposed to contain the, the pain, the core pain, right? The purpose of all this torture is to can, is to outsource the pain to somebody else to feel or to avoid your inner pain. That's the purpose of all this stuff. It's also people's strength. So when do you get to serenity? When you combine ecstasy and agony together with intimacy, rapture. But back to displacement theory. So my argument, made this argument before, is that pain is great because it's, it's localized to you. And there's a capacity. That's why outsourcing pain is great. All you have to do is find somebody with equal pain level or evoke the pain level, and then you can dump your pain into them, and you feel empty. So much easier to offload pain than to feel pain. So much easier to offload pain than to feel pain. That's math. Everyone does this because it's easier. Why would you want to witness pain? Why would you want to hold space for pain? I don't want to. I do it, but I don't want to. Be honest. Argue a counter. I was hoping you'd have a counter. There's also thing like sort of in infancy. There's some sort of infancy to it. Yes, we're, we haven't been initiated. Yeah, yeah. It's near. If you're inflicting pain to someone, that's infant. That's that's playground stuff. Yeah, yeah. And then you create a bond because you have to be attuned as trauma. That's intimate. Yeah, that's a shortcut. Intimate. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, yeah. That's where the whole BDSM world goes about. I mean, that's what they do. BDSM. Yeah, to try to, it's a bit like Erikson's first stage of trust. It's ex-trust. That infant, still stuck in that Erikson stage. It's a lot of codependence and trauma is, yeah, developmental disorder. But what I was meaning, developmental stunting. The stunting. Yeah, stunting is there. The healthy, healthy fish in the sense that, uh, they don't experience, they've come to a place where they don't experience a lot of the, uh, that would be an elder. Yeah, then an elder would also, a traditional elder would let the non-initiated do non-initiated stuff until they get initiated. They can't see, they can't contain like an elder until they get initiated. And in order to initiate, they have to go into the wilderness, face their demons, be alone from their tribe, and come back. That's, that's the path. Yeah, that's true. So they sort of at once place see the illusion of someone's pain. That this is because so my, they see the broader context because they've seen worlds collapse multiple times. As an elder, but big, big part of the illusion was the clueless baby that you got these implicit assumptions which don't have any verification, but you still, still sticking to them. Like, you know, just holding on to these attachments to these assumptions. That's, you're holding on to that because that's language of agency. You're holding on to that because that's containing the unprocessed pain. Oh, and biology, like that, uh, abused monkey still going to the abusing mother more. It's just some of it is language, some of it is just biology, physiology. That it's just a pig. They're going to the abusing mother. They don't have another. They don't, they don't have the context. Oh, the abusing mother is familiar. But if had the experience of a comforting mother as well later, but when in trauma, they go back to the abusing mother. If it was a balanced, if it was a balanced path, yes. But most of them are biased towards the, the familiarity of the abusing mother. So they don't know any, they're stuck in a double bind without knowing there's a way out. That's the learned helplessness. Yes, sure. Learned helplessness.
So I took a pause to make space for there's only so much capacity, containment for pain. The people who don't have that capacity for pain, they don't have that containment. It's not, it's a muscle. They're not initiated. Whatever, whatever you want to label it, unhealthy fish. I don't care. If you're not initiated, you, you don't know how to be mature with pain. And that's just by definition, that's sort of what non-initiated means. You're still trying to perform the role of self. You're pretending to be an adult. And then you have imposter syndrome, or you're trying to catch up, and you're trying to hide your deficiencies as an uninitiated person. You're so immature inside. You still feel like a child inside. Yeah. When you're initiated, then you have the capacity, or you have the elders to help you out, and you have the capacity. Modern society, I would argue, is trying to get people to perform like they're initiated because smart academics can map out initiation, but you don't have the capacity. So why judge your, why add extra pain to yourself to try to pretend that you have the capacity of elderhood? Why not just be owned that we're all playground kids and and and try to, you know, find mechanisms to help ourselves to get our personal initiation? Yeah, for fucking real. For fucking real. Yeah. That's what the soul wants. That's what the acorn, the acorn, the acorn of all of us that wants to be a tree. That's what it wants. That's, it wants to take these shitty experiences and turn into fertilizer. We have a soul seed, an acorn, that wants to grow into a big tree. But that takes the initiation. The people that are still pre-sprouting their roots are still going in. They're messing with the dirt. They're playing in the mud. They're growing roots. They're in the underground. They're in the devil's window. They're that's they're planted, and they need water and dirt. That's their life. They're just dirt and shadow, the seed, and then little sprout for light.
Pain means you're alive, and it pain tells you it matters. So pain is a localizing device. Even if you don't have the capacity to hold a lot of pain, it localizes to you, where you are, and it tells you what's important. And if you have a tiny amount of pain capacity, and your body is triggered and flooded by a flashback or flooded by whatever internal content, then that's all the pain you're noticing. And then all you care about is is expressing your localized internal flood of pain. Expecting that person to witness other pain is not math. The only way you could do it is by adding more pain on top, like a scale. So if you could apply more pain on top to outpain the person's internal pain, then they would switch to the bigger pain. That's the schizoid split. That's then that's the abuser game. That's the tantrum tug of war. So two tantrums come up, and then the bigger tantrum, if it can stay bigger, then all the attention goes to the bigger one. But people have amazing defenses, so it's hard to to outmaneuver.
Well, that in a way was the, of the baptism by, like especially with St. Augustine, you just baptize you for like fucking five minutes, and then when you come out of it, it's, uh, you're just a changed person. Well, that's ritual. Ritual baptizes. What, what are you dunked in? Oh, talking about the pain. Excuse me. You think you're going to die? The body is actually feeling through the whole. Yes, but you're, you think you're going to die in what medium? In water. Drowned. Drowned. Yes. You're drowning in water. And what emotion is water? It's cleansing in a way. Yeah, but when you're drowning in, when water is going down your throat, what's the emotion? Suffocated. What is the feeling of waterboarding? Your voice gets suffocated, right? You're kind of fighting for air. Choking. Waterboarding. Grief. Choking. That's devoicing. Would that be devoicing? Can you scream when you're being waterboarded? Is there space to express anything? Anything? No. All your expression is disabled, and you're just grasping for air. You're grasping for spirit. You're grasping for spirit. Localizes you to your body and your pain. And then when you get air after grasping for air, you just, you're just, you're just happy you have air. You don't care about your voice anymore, do you? If it's a very visceral, genuine, full baptism. But this says you, you get the water into your lungs, and everything becomes quite okay, quite pleasant. I haven't experienced that. That's what, what the fuck? Maybe if you die. But I don't. Maybe if some people might have that. Wasn't my experience. I just got out of the, the scuba helmet thing. Oh, other people did it. Okay. And I'm already in. I got to get back to the boat. I took the helmet out, and then water flooded in my mouth. I had nothing to grab. I don't know how to float in the water. It, it was pretty scary. It was terrifying. For it, I couldn't express to say for water is going down my throat. And then they were, they were freaking out because I'm harder to contain if I'm, I'm a freaking out person in the water. My girlfriend's in the boat watching me flail around in the water. I'm sure she was scared too. So I was flailing around in the water, and I think maybe I had capacity to consider my mother, my, my girlfriend's experience of me. That's how special I am. That just adds more pressure. I still didn't know how to float in the water. I didn't know, I didn't know how to orient to go find, find the rail, and I'm breathing in water on my throat. Yeah, that was my experience of breathing in water. But maybe one of you guys can relax into it, and it's comfortable. We, we at number two or three. What was number three?
Number three, translate objectified pain into insignia power. So you translate the objectified pain, you translate the language of agency into a life fest. You translate that into your orienting mechanism for the world. You translate that into a moral, uh, defense fantasy defense. That's your insignia power. That's your, that's your solid stepping stone. You translate that into your identity. You translate that as part of your ego identity. You translate part that as part of your life purpose. That makes it solid, meaningful. So you translate suffering into something meaningful. But then that becomes your false self, and then now you forget your your real self, your your acorn, your soul loses its voice. And now you live your life as a, a representation, as a moral stance against whatever pain you had that caused that number three insignia of power. And then you have the armor. Yeah, becomes armor, and you're never naked, and you're never intimate. And so you can have pure agony conversation. Yeah, yeah. Conversation. You can't meet people anymore. There's always armor, and it's a sad, lonely existence because you're wrestling with reality. You're wrestling with it. It becomes a moral overlay of the world. And so then you're wrestling with people to fit into that. And you guys like working out. I'm, I'm lazy. So number three for torture, translate objectified pain into insignia of power. So then that's double bind. And we have all these different labels for number three, the target. We translate the target as a threat. Those are all different insignias. Let's go back to the video. If I even remember what it said, I look so much younger back then. I was very depressing to revisit. Don't threaten us. Pain is invisible. Don't threaten us. Caught up in his pain, in his story, not seeing my pain. So I did one of those codependent things like, "Oh, who is me? Why doesn't the narcissist see my pain?" Let me go spill all my guts on fellow codependents and make other people dissociate. So I do it more excitingly with a blade. So this was a defense tactic that you use. It's not a defense tactic. You still don't know one and two. Pain is invisible inherently, and there's no language for pain. So since there's no language for pain, you act it out preverbally. Okay? And that's you act it out preverbally. The spirit of the preverbal defense takes you over. This is a wrestling of pain of language of agency. Once you have language and once you have stories, you can claim agency for shit. Then you can blame yourself for behaviors. But when you have preverbal injuries and preverbal patterns, those patterns take over, take you over. They hypnotize you. They're roles that you fall into because those were your behaviors before you learned language. So it's unfair and it's mean for the mental health to blame you for falling, regressing into preverbal spirit possessions. They call it regression. They call it transference. Transference. They have all these labels, but they're blaming you for agency, but you're regressing to a state where you're disoriented. So you aren't consciously choosing those behaviors. So to blame yourself and to blame other people for that, that is rather unkind. Yeah, here's some pills. Yeah, that's focusing on the symptom. So that's a way to diagnose it, but to place the blame on the person who's a person who regresses. That person has an unmet need and a lagging skill and is just devouring mothers who like to continue a double bind and then reclaim agency where they're the devouring mother to rescue a person. Those people are propagating the story of blaming the victim. Gross. Blaming, giving you super ego injunctions, giving you super ego fixes to to keep the repetition compulsion going. But they're doing it purposefully. They're doing it out of their wounds. They're doing it unconsciously too, maybe they're regressing to their to their preverbal strategies and then using overlay of whatever mental health or coaching model to try to help because they're trying to rescue their childhood loser crop shit, which needs to be stomped to death because you got to combine, you got to own the agony, then can get to the ecstasy. Because your intention, your desire to stomp someone to death is just a desire. Have you done it? Have you activated it out? It's tiring to stomp someone to death. I think. I guess we need another portrayal. I guess I could test that out.
Back to the video. Human nature, not just narcissists, codependents, not just trigger people. This is what we do when pain gets too intense. Oh, there you go again. So since there's no language for pain, you act it out preverbally. Okay? And that's human nature, not just narcissists, codependents, not just trigger people. This is what we do when pain gets too intense. When pain gets too intense, this is what we do. What we do is one, two, three, four. Your pain is invisible to others. Pain obliterates language. So expecting people to understand your language in the midst of pain is unrealistic. And then when you have pain, the coping strategy, the symptom is to have an unstable language of agency that has a hope and suffering flavor to mask the pain and to get somebody else to join you in the pain or to join you in the, uh, the masking process. And then that'll have a flavor of hope and hope and suffering. And then the nature of pain is pain cannot be denied, cannot be confirmed. And to have pain is to be certain. And to have to hear pain is to have doubt. Oh, this is the trap. This is so cozy. This is so intimate. So if you're fighting intimacy by being vulnerable, you end up having this type of intimacy. The victim becomes trapped in the physical body with a collapsed world, and the torturer controls the narrative and voice with the power insignia. So then you leave the narcissist or the abuser, and you look for a new guru that does that, or a new group that does controls the narrative and invades the voice with a power insignia. You join a new cult. And cults are fun. Cult was fun. The experience of cult group, large group, small group, that was fun. I mean, it was scary and skinning and all the negative stuff, but it was fun. Had a boring life as a therapist or counselor, whatever gig. And I could go to this conference and get C. It's fun. If I could have the leader control the narrative and insignia, that's fun. That's fun. It gives me a feeling that I'm doing something. That's so the, the torture. I find a new torture. I find the, the leader to the narrative in the voice with a power insignia, with a with a slogan like, "We're going to save the world." Whatever. That's, that's fun. I need that. I want that. I would, I want something to. Yeah, wouldn't it get boring at some point? You'd have to up the ante and find another. Not for most people, it could. But what's the alternative? Your job, your everyday life. That's the alternative. Just has to be interesting enough. M. This is short, two minutes. Let's restart it.
And then Karl Marx said, "The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain." Yes, the shortcut is you get to your hate. And then you have someone that can help you articulate your hate. Then now you can have language of agency for your unmet needs. That's a shortcut. I still agree with that. What did I say the shortcut was? The shortcut is you get to your hate. You get through your hate. Have someone that can help you articulate your hate. Then now you can have language of agency for your unmet needs. There. That's still pretty good. So the shortcut is get your hate. That was a recent pointer of outrage to hate, to frustration, to hidden conflict. Then if you're lucky enough to have a co-history or a witness to help you share your language to create a language of agency to express your hate to get to done unmet need, that's a shortcut. There's few and far between people that can encourage your hate and then decipher your hate into the unmet need. And then even if you express your hate, you're not going to trust a person to decipher the hate to the unmet need. Yeah, it's very tragic. It's agonizing. That's why the ecstasy is so amazing. Yeah, it's torturous until you get to the ecstasy, but that makes the ecstasy so awesome.
Physical pain obliterates all psychological content. So that's the adaptive quality of trauma and pain. It takes you to a blank slate. The blank slate is psychosis. And psychosis is adopted because psychosis, changing to a new reality. Psychosis, changing to a new reality. Psychosis, changing to a new reality. So if I'm a therapist and I make you, oh, that jumps into another thing. So pain has upside that it gives you a blank slate. But the blank slate is threatening. The blank slate feels dangerous because in the past, when there's a blank slate, that absence meant punishment was coming. That absence meant too much uncertainty. You didn't know what was coming. So in the past, you put your power of insignia, you put your language of agency in the blank slate, or somebody else invaded the blank slate. So blank slate has been has been infected, and blank slate is not pure anymore. So pain doesn't instantly take you to a blank slate. Pain gets you close to a blank slate. If you stay with that slate more through the annihilation terror, which is terrifying because it's an annihilation terror. How do I neutralize annihilation terror? Who's going to like annihilation terror? Who's going to be neutral to it? It's annihilation terror. It's terrorizing by by definition, by words. Yeah. So I'm not going to, I'm going to, I can describe you the process, but I'm not going to advocate you guys go through that. Annihilation terror is terrorizing. Go stick with pain. Go stick with language of agency. Go stick with super ego stuff. That's less terrorizing. Mushrooms, skin, give you a blank slate. The hollow ground that we had a couple weeks ago was a blank slate. That, that is your choice to take it as a blank slate opportunity. I wasn't sure when it was happening. Kelly wasn't. I messing you stuff that I was confused, and I wasn't sure where it was going. Yes. Yeah. And I, and I said I wasn't either. Yeah, in the midst of it, I don't know where it's going. I'm not, if I'm a magician, that doesn't mean I, I know I can breathe of the future. I can turn whatever that happens into a magic thing, but I don't. In the midst of it, I was, I, I was freaked out too.
I was talking this week with the guy who was doing the anesthesia, and he got another colleague of him with me because he also says that if, if you do painkillers, it slows down the healing process of the body. Yeah, and they only give painkillers because people are afraid of the pain. So people didn't learn how to deal with physical pain. Neutralizing that pain, yeah, yeah, helps people stay focused or or relaxed. But most people tighten into the pain. Yeah. And so they're now, that's why they need alcohol. Yeah. And that's why I add that. Yeah, that's why they're now trying with hypnosis, and it works really well. Then they used to use hypnosis a lot in the past, but now, yeah, yeah, hypnosis has seen as some evil thing. But no, no, no, they're, they're using it or making people comfortable or have a bud in the hospital. So they ease the, the fear. Yeah. And so, yeah, I relate with what you're saying, Chantal. But maybe if it is like nine out of 10, so then it just may not be so healing for the body as well. But what's happened is that even one out of 10, you need a. So it's going to the other, like, yeah, you, you need to go to the edge. And then the edge. Yes, yes. Like, I, I'm practicing this with my finger now. Like, when is the edge? Like, if I, if I hit something with with my finger, it's, it's excruciating pain. So and then I sit with it. Like, when is it time? I can hold it because it, it takes all my energy. All the energy goes there. I need to do something, and I don't. I just wait and write it out and see what comes. And then there's this warmth inside my finger. And then I know, okay, I'm over the top. And then it goes better. But it's, it's really a practice. Yeah. And it's, uh, when I have had experiences of that, the, at that time, it's like a more connection with like the life force. It's like something is like, yeah, just connected with that. And nothing else comes close to it. No, it's when you get over the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over the top. Yeah. And it helps if you verbalize the pain. Like you're giving sound to it, giving name. Yeah. Okay. No, not, not words. No words. Give it sound. Yeah. Sound. Yeah, because it's, this kind of sounds having space to voice the pain, ideally with words, but most people can't. So then it's with sounds. Yeah. Sounds. It's, it's much more connected. If you use words, it would be like a fake cover up. Yeah. And this has the, my finger needs to give swear words are cover up. Yeah. That's, yeah, they're have cover up. They're not, it's a deviation. Like, I'm, I'm hiding. I'm, I'm going. That might be more like aggressive splitting or schizoid side. Yeah. Why did this happen? I can feel it. I can feel that I split, and it's not helpful for me. It could be for other people, different. But in my experience, it's not helpful. It's much better when I stay with the pain and go through it. It's, it's more rewarding. Me get through it. Yeah. And then the, I make a lot of weird sounds, but I know exactly when the sound is correct because then I go much faster over the, over that peak. It's sort of healing in a way because like it's also the primal scream. Like if something, this is, and you know, you don't, you don't have to learn from someone what that primal scream sounds like and when. Oh, the primal scream. I think I heard that recently, but I'm not going to say anything more. But keep going. Yeah, I know that one guy. He passed away recently. He passed away early 50s. His son was 14 at a funeral, and just out of the blue, the son did this scream, and everyone knew what the fuck that was, and it was just.
Pin drop. Having rituals or something to help people reconnect to their primal, primal scream, or some deeper scream to give voice to that that might open the door to your soul seed, to your core agony, to express the core agony, to get to the ecstasy. That's probably not going to happen at funerals in the Midwest anytime soon. You, you're not a, you're not allowed to. God, no. Oh, here we do the wailing. Yeah, yeah, the wailing. We can do that here. It's, nobody looks. It's just okay. Oh, oh my God, that's a lot of devoicing. Then, oh yeah, you're supposed to do it at the proper time. And, the proper time? What the fuck is that? Bunch of Scandinavian weirdness. So the voicing, that's a good pointer. And maybe that's a good pointer to at least formally try to formally end it. And we can continue on this stuff. That's why they call the Wailing Wall in Israel the Wailing Wall because people scream bloody murder as a result of losing someone or as a result of their pain. Well, that's one of the few places you're allowed to. Rual? One of the few places you're allowed pain. And I personally have experienced that. So being able to share that, the voicing nature and the pain of it, uh, makes it a bit more, there's more space. And could that be this group to allow space for people to share the devoicing wounds? But it'll be hard because devoicing wounds or have role inductions. There is a hypnotic quality to to reinforce, to get that devoicing back because we're, we're going to share the devoicing wounds in a way that other people are going to devoice us. We don't have the, the skills yet to share the voicing wounds in a way that other people can hear it. And that's the agonizing part of repetition compulsion and transference and projective identification. Whatever pointers we have that our defenses are designed to repeat the pattern of disconnection, even though unconsciously we're feeling each other's wound, we're feeling each other's desperation, we're feeling each other's urgency through those defenses. But our conscious mind triggers role inductions of super ego, which is going to reinforce the separation. Happened in the group, but it also happened with me and Ellie. So these defenses are designed to separate. These defenses are designed to fixate on one little, one little issue. It takes extra muscle to sort of make space for the pain. Part of my special skills is this wound of devoicing. This is something I can share with you guys. This is something my mind, my attention was drawn to, to find other people that share the wounds of divorcing. We walk around with all this unnamed pain that organize our lives in ways that makes it difficult for us to know why we do what we do. Right there, it makes us difficult to know why we do what we do. Lives in ways that makes it difficult for us to know why we do what, what we do. So this assaulted sense of self that is so precise. Mm. And he's trying to be open to try to describe that because it's a hard sell. That organize our lives in ways that makes it difficult for us to know why we do what we do. This is my group. It's about awareness. If you know why we do what we do, then I trust you will figure out the right behavior. I am not about behavior enforcement. My path is a path of compassion and shared humanity. You guys will have your defenses and I actually admire and am jealous of your defenses because I couldn't do that. I had to dive into the confusion. I had to not have a language of agency. I had to be on the receiving end of other people's wounded fishes. Language of agency. That's my story. That's what was four years ago that I tried to share that the group couldn't witness. And the same thing now. It's lonely as an elder and I'm not fully elder. I think I need a witness. I need a welcoming party to finish the elderhood. Not having defenses is like, uh, not having a super ego. Yeah, yeah. It's just more, just it, it's just it. But the people of super ego will say, I can't exist. They will divorce me because I'm an anomaly. They want to see the plus. Not having a super ego, you can go into places where people with super ego won't go. Yeah, I'm providing. I'm going there and I'm providing a gift. And then they see the gift as a copyright infringement or they see the gift as, I can't exist. Wrong with you. Yeah. Oh, everybody has a sense of. Then they'll fucking run over my life and I'm right next to them and I could call it out, but I'll play nice within their fucking frame. Yeah, because I have that capacity. But the on the other side, not having a super ego, even a healthy one, is then, uh, makes it harder to, uh, get divorced from the other fish who have a super ego. And then that's the other devoicing, not being able to be in a school of fish. Well, there's layers and layers of marginalization, deicing, whatever. So this is the assaulted sense of self. This is a wound that mental health doesn't address or actively uses and abuses. And he's, he shares this in mental health conferences and those white people don't get it. And even the marginalized black people, they don't get it too. Because it's one thing to call out the pain, the next thing is another layer to call out some sort of better plea for shared humanity. That's harder. And then maybe you have some behavior change. But people keep jumping to the behavior change. They don't stay with the witnessing, the communion, the shared pain. Yeah, our lives in ways that makes it difficult for us, that organize our lives in ways that makes it difficult for us to know why we do what we do. So this assaulted sense of self is what happens to one's self, uh, when one's self has been traumatized. It's very difficult to define or develop a clear sense of who one is. This is a fucking agony of mental health. This is the agony of the assumption of mental health, that yourself is a self. If you've been devoiced, then you've had your soul crushed. And the starting point of mental health is you have a self, or your voice is a self, or your fond self is your starting point. That is a fucking deception. That is a shortcut. And that's a shortcut that's unfair, that's cruel. Your, your soul, there's, there's no space for your soul. There's no space for your heart. There's no space for you. That was your wound as a child. That was your wound. And then you go into mental health, and they reinforce that wound. You go into support groups, they reinforce the wound. That's dehumanizing. That was like Nama's territory. She was agonizing for. I just remembering her. Yeah, dehumanizing. Any, there is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. Okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. That's what our soul wants to say. But the world doesn't care. There's tons of situations where dehumanization is okay. There's tons of situations where dehumanization is constantly being reinforced. It's a standard protocol. Yeah, it's a protocol. But our heart says, there is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. Our heart is crying for this. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There, there is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. But this injunction needs to be localized to ourselves. We can't force other people to do this. We want to, and that's a good motivation. I want to honor the drive to make other people follow this because you're dehumanizing your littles. That's the core. Yeah, but we have to internalize it first. And then we can role model how to do it. If we just have the injunction desire, that is a good drive. But if it's projected outward and it's not internalized, it will be perverted. It will be indirect. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. But dehumanization is fun. Oh, that's my dark side. There's no dark side here. So I have to embody you. The dark side window. So assault on the, uh, the self, devoicing wounds. Let's go back to that because often times that if one's experience is that of being defined, then our sense of self grows out of proving that we're not how we're defined. Who I am is not, it's not what I organically become. It's who I am is in response to how I'm defined. Who, who I am is in response to how I'm defined. So this is a common trap. It's very hard to define ourselves. And when we define ourselves vulnerably, we get redefined. So it's easy to define ourselves based on how we're defined. Outrage versus rage? Because if you are, if we're in rage in response to being misdefined, we get crushed. So we learn to be outraged because socially, the social norm allows outrage. He says, oh, I'm not heard. My definition, my space isn't there. And then we respond to that. Am I frozen? Oh, now we're back. Okay. You guys are a little bit just listening. So who I am is in defined, how defined. So outrage is easier. And we did that in a couple prior meetings versus rage. So this is a space where I can encourage you guys to encourage the group to try to stay in rage. And then we can get to frustration. And then from frustration, we can get to the hidden conflict. Or if we have good witnesses, good co-conspirators, we can help each other. If you guys can share some rage to each other, we can guess and help give words to your unmet needs and and and lagging skills. Why do we need to suffer alone? So negative identity is a common reaction. Who I am is how I'm defined. And then Brené Brown will say, unwanted identity is the most powerful elicitor of shame. Unwanted identity is the most powerful elicitor of shame. Unwanted identity is the most powerful elicitor of shame. So then we focus on unwanted identity as a fighting thing. And that becomes our behavior pattern. That becomes part of our identity. We're so worried about being un misdefined because we're not actively fucking defining ourselves. But we're not actively fucking defining ourselves because no space in the society to actively define ourselves. And we're disconnected from our soul seed. So we don't have a fucking voice to define ourselves. How about that for a core double bind? And people don't trust somebody that's not defined. Yeah, there's so many traps to not find ourselves. Our sense of self doesn't get to develop in quite the way organically as it should. We walk around with all this unnamed pain. Who I am is in response to how I'm defined. Voicelessness doesn't mean that one doesn't have that one lacks the ability for utterances and vocalizations, but rather has to do with advocacy, speaking up on one's behalf. When we are silent, we walk around with our organs carrying matter and mess that the human organs aren't meant to carry. And that's what I realized my father, watch him there, all the stuff he's been carrying for decades of his life. This is good. But then his metaphor is questionable. That's coming. But we're carrying a lot of wounds of being devoiced and silenced. And some people in earlier generations and even me now, we we take pride in stuffing it. That was part of it. I was in a little group and then I was sharing about eating bitter. And then this guy, this guy from in Europe somewhere, he had a father who didn't explain stuff. So his father's communication is this sort of chest here of of eating bitter, of watching his life fall apart, or having to just stuff his pain. That was the symbolism of his father. And then somehow my presence or my opening of the door allowed him to channel his father's pain. And he was channeling that eating bitter, this sort of organ stuff with all this pain of being devoiced, of not having paths in society. So he shares his father's devoicing pain with this fascinating metaphor. I think it's my memory, but I could be off. Life that he couldn't say, he had to be on his dying bed, dying bed. What a setup. In a crazy state before he could say the things he needed to say. To white people were white people not present. Rage on the other hand is much more primitive and occurs over a protracted period of time. So if you've been dominated, you've been dehumanized, and you've been degraded and devalued, dominated, dehumanized. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. There is no situation in which dehumanization is okay. But it still happens. And some people's lives are defined by dehumanization. And some people's defenses and repetition compulsion is inviting other people to continue that pattern. That might be their only way of connection. But then you'll see the dehumanization. You're not going to see the desperation underneath by design. That's the defense. You're going to have rage. To embrace our rage and help our young people embrace. Well, not present rage on the other hand is much more primitive and occurs over a protracted period of time. So if you've been dominated, you've been dehumanized, and you've been degraded and devalued, you're going to have rage. To embrace our rage and help our young people embrace their rage because I think that rage is like love. It's an energy source. When it's got, yes, it's true. But the delivery is a bit too precise. I think rage is like love. And rage is energy source. Rage is actually, yeah, very strong love. But that's a huge cell. I think as hard cell that takes some time to digest. That rage is like love. Rage is energy source. Rage is passion. Rage is care. Rage is, I want to nurture. It's saying I'm, I'm nurtured. But the I want to nurture is missing from rage. I'm alone and I want to nurture is missing from rage. I'm sad and I'm hurt and I want to nurture is missing from rage. I'm desperate and I'm crying is missing from rage. I'm in agony, doing my best is missing from rage. Rage is so complex. Our rage often as complex. Maybe if your rage would be less complex. But rage is often complex. There's many layers around rage. And how much space do we give it? What if rage and passion is The Passion of the Christ? And Jesus being on the cross is an example of what's needed for our rage to be witnessed. That's the desire of the passion to have the agony witnessed and no one rescuing. Straight to the tomb into hell and then unknown rebirth after whatever that's part of the initiation. And there's no role models. So you don't trust the process. You have Jesus as a role model, but fuck, that was 2000 some years ago. And maybe it was distorted. Who the fuck knows? So you have these sort of pseudo role models and examples, but it's not real. It's disconnected. There's no heart. There's no passion. There's no love. There's no rebirth. There's no real healing because it's just healing the zombie. You really want to live a zombie life? Guess everyone else is. So yeah, sure, it's safer. The path of rebirth. Someone needs to argue for your soul. It's sort of obvious for me, or maybe I think most of my history, my soul has always been part of my life. So it's hard for me to put myself in the place of other people where they lost touch with their soul. So this core devoicing pain, I would, this is a decent reframe of codependence. Instead of the other labels, it's a devoicing wound. It's a soul injury. It's soul murder. But outrage of soul murder, that's also a shortcut. The pain is the, the back to your soul. Getting back to your soul is more important than focusing on somebody external. That's grace. External people will trigger shit. External people will be assholes. External people will be annoying. External people are gifts. They're new tormentors. They're new torturers that give a chance for ecstasy. You don't run away from them. You can grip onto that person and try to strangle them, which is a lot of fun. Not as much fun because they're virtual. So you don't really get to see them like you choke their life out of there. You want to. But we're virtual. But sometimes maybe siblings need to do that, you know? You hate your sibling and then you start punishing them, then you see the breaking point. You see them. You see their soul cry out. And then, then you see mercy. Yeah, you nearly kill them. Yeah, you nearly, you feel like you nearly kill him. That was earlier Zoom, early Zoom talking about mercy. And it had a bunch of pushback from the group. Just arguing for mercy was a hard argue for the group. The path of mercy means you can be merciful to yourself. But it's hard to be merci. You use somebody else on the outside first. That's a gift. Or that's a potential gift. Because having no mercy for your inner child kept you safe. So now giving yourself mercy to someone else, that could be a doorway to have mercy for your and your children, your littles. Because part of my angle is this is the path of the heart. This is a path of compassion. This is a path of of depth, depth psychology. Back to the video, I didn't direct it. Allow. So if you've been dominated, you've been dehumanized, and you've been degraded and devalued, you're going to have rage. To embrace our rage and help our young people embrace their rage because I think that rage is like love. It's an energy source. When it's guided and directed, it allows us to reach the depths of our greatness. And when it's denied, it kills us. Yes, I'm hoping that you'll be in touch with your rage, acknowledge it. Because when you get in touch with your rage, it can become outrage. And outrage doesn't mean that it has the power to destroy, but it also has the power to build. I, you see that brick? You can use that brick to take it and put up somebody's head. Or you can use that same brick to have the first step toward creating a path, a bridge out of the circumstances you're in. You can use the first brick to build circumstances out of a bridge out of the circumstances you're in. You can use a brick to build the first step of circumstances. And that's a plea versus using the brick to smash someone's head in. I, I don't, I would still smash someone's head in for a while. Maybe. Yes, for a while. It is not an equal metaphor. I don't know why you chose that metaphor. I'm sure you improved it. But yes, technically you can use a brick, brick to build a bridge. But my, my schizoid, my inner child part wants to smash. Sure. Yeah, me too. Yeah, much more fun. Yeah, much more fun. So let's finish this first step toward creating a path, a bridge out of the circumstances you're in. That's you have that. But we can't have that conversation if we don't talk about rage. When it's guided and directed, it allows us to reach the depths of our greatness. And when it's denied, it kills us. And when it's denied, it kills us. And we're living a slow death. This path of fond self, this path of transactional love, this path of conditional love, this path of resentment, whatever these patterns are. Haven't we done that enough? Isn't it time? Is it time to consider that there's a more depthful, soulful path to to live? So we'll end with Andy Grammar. I wish you pay. I think this is based on 12 step. So it's witnessing someone who's in addiction and collapsing from the addiction. And the addiction enables them to avoid their pain. So this song is trying to get the person out of that loop.
I people break promises. Beat your heart to pieces. That is so beautiful. Only to find your nowhere. Close. Sorry if I'm ruining this. These are amazing lyrics. Oh, that is so on your own. Look at him singing this. This is coming from. Oh yes. It sounds fucking strange. Wish you look. There's a course. B. It's hard to say. It seems easy to say. He looks pretty relaxed. More than you could never know. I just want to see you. Oh, it grows every time it rains. That was my ending.
Clips your heart grows every time it breaks. That is such an ambitious reframe. Wish.
And I end the cut there. All.