Transcription
Our first guest is a very funny man with his own a brand new television program called The Norm Show. It premieres a Wednesday on another network. Here's our good friend Norm Macdonald.
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In the show, yeah. Good to see you. Didn't tell you something, Norma? I'm very happy for you because one or two times ago when you're on the show, you had been fired. You lost your job. Yeah, Saturday Night Live on the Weekend Update. Because those people didn't have the guts to stand by. Those people wouldn't know funny if it bit him in the ass. Yeah, they, of course, were hoping that they never hear from you again. They were hoping, of course, if they had squashed out another career. All right, I thought, "Okay, that's it for him. We don't have to worry about." Well, I saw two shows that you did, two of The Norm Show. Oh, yeah. I guess shows. Unbelievably funny. Oh, yeah. They're great shows. And I believe, I believe, I believe this thing is going to be a huge hit. And then if, and I don't want to tell you how to run your career, but then just line up all those punks over there at NBC. You know, you're down. Oh, my admires your Lorne Michaels. You're a Skippy. You belong. Skippy Henderson. Yeah, a Skippy. Love you. Just line up all those boys and tell them to kiss your ass.
Well, it was nice. I was working like all the time. So it's good. Like after the show, I got to just, you know, I returned to my first love of doing nothing for a while. And then I started on this. And every that, but it's not great. It turned out all right. I got a chance to just be vindication.
Well, I don't know. Who knows? I think it'd do pretty well. You're on right after the very popular Drew Carey Show. And then your show, people dialing in to see you. And lo and behold, and you know, by the way, a lot of stuff on TV ain't that entertaining. Yeah, they dial up your show and, and the holy crap, it's actually funny. Yeah.
Well, it's good. Yeah, it's good that it's going on after the Drew Carey Show because a lot of people watch that, right? And then people, they never turned channels. That's right. They don't. It's inertia. Yeah. Yeah. Even with the closer, they're in for a great surprise. My congratulations. I'm very happy. Yeah. Yeah.
Is he at the time? At the time, I think I was more upset than you were. And now, now that you're back on top, I feel like I'm happier than you are. I feel like I care more about your career than you do. Is that possible?
Well, I like most. I like watching TV. If you like watching TV, I had your hands full last night with the Academy Awards. You had four hours there. Did you see any of that? I watched it all. I don't know the movies this year. You know, their nominees. Yeah. No, no. I didn't see. The only movie I saw was The Life Is Beautiful movie. Oh, Roberto. Because I love Roberto Benigni. The entertainer. Yeah. But I've never seen him in a movie. The only time I've ever seen it was on your show. His that was real funny. Yeah. And so I went to that show, that movie. It's Life Is Beautiful. And I tell you something about that movie. It's, it might be a great movie. Nothing, but it's got a huge drawback. None of the characters speak English. For me, a person who only, the only language I understand is English. I'm screwed. I'm like that. And the title is English. They fool you, you know? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Life Is Beautiful. Those are howling three English words. There you go. So I wouldn't a gun if it was like, I'm on a dime or de morte. Yeah.
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After the Italian word, I know. Yeah. So, and then I get in there. So it's all these dudes speaking Italian, you know? And I'm trying it. And so what they do is they put words, you know, subtitles. Titles. Yeah. So now I'm, you know, now I have to read, which is the reason I go to movies. I want to read. You know, you know, I knowing it is when you're reading and somebody's reading over your shoulder. Well, that's like 200 people reading over your shoulder. He's a funny guy. Yeah. He pretended the, the whole unpleasantness there in Europe was a joke. Yeah. Yeah. He was a kid. He has a little ten-year-old child. And they go to a Nazi concentration camp. And his kid's not that bright. So he just pretends that to the kid like, you'll see, like crazy like Nazis doing it. And then Roberto Benigni gets behind them and goes, "So the kid thinks it's a big joke." Let's move on.
Anyway, you're living in Los Angeles now where you do your hit TV show. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like Los Angeles. You Canadian, right? Up. You had a Toronto Area answer on. Oh, yeah. Come down here to New York. Come to New York. And New York is great because they have cabs and subways. Does I don't know how to drive a car. You know. You don't drive at all? Yeah. I never learned how. Really? Yeah. Why? Well, I don't like them. I find them dangerous. You know, like your drive and you're in a car and you're going like 70, and then another car comes, he's going 70. Right? And then there's like a foot between you, you know? And they're honking. Ah, they're honking. And then who knows what. Good. It's only a foot. You know, they move a little bit and there's a crash. And you're always seeing crashes. Every time you drive, there's a crash. There's a big twisted wreckage of a crash. And nobody seems to care. They're like, "Oh, I guess I'll be late for work." You know? Like imagine you're in a plane and you're flying and you look out, there's some plane wreckage on a mountain. A plane comes beside you like 10 feet, eyes honking that sky rage. But now you're living in Los Angeles where it's nearly essential to be able to drive. Yeah. Yeah. It's really everything far apart from each other. What do you do? I got, I bought myself a bicycle. I don't know how to drive a bicycle either. But I'm a bicycle. You can just go on the sidewalk. So you're the most dangerous. You know? And so I go to the bike store. I don't know. And the guys tell me, "Hey, yeah, all these bikes. You know, there's all this technical mountain bike." I'm not gonna be that mountain. Right? I'm just gonna be on the road, the sidewalks. So I, he goes, "What kind of bike you're looking for?" Us, that I wanted. I said, "I don't know. I think I'd like a red bike." So he sells me just one. And it's very complicated nowadays that you gotta get a lock, you know? And the locks, they aren't like the old days, just to south. They're hard. He goes, "Hard lock that you have to." It's, you know, because he says, "You guys stay, we always got to stay ahead of the bike bike thieves." Nobody. This bike lock was impossible. Combination. Gonna do. You had to go around the thing and like twist it up. Anyways. So, so I drive on my bike to get some groceries over Ralph's. And C. Oh, shopping Ralph's. Oh, wow. This is the best. Nicely. Oh, yeah. If you like apples. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do produce some good produce. Yeah. Best apples, man. So, so a lot of specials there. They have like the everyday low prices, you know? So I get my bicycle to the Ralph's place, you know? And I try to get this damn lock on. It doesn't work. I can't figure it out. Around like that. So I figured it myself. I figure I'll just leave it here unlocked, right? In front of Ralph. Yeah. Because I figure, what's the odds of my unlocked bicycle and a dirty bicycle thief showing up at the same. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You're not gonna be in there all day. Yeah. It's like five minutes. Buy some cookies and some, you know, an apple. So I get my groceries out, you know, I bought a lot of groceries, you know, I bought a whole bunch of groceries. And I get out. My bicycle is gone. No. Yeah. Some dirty bicycle thief has stolen it. Now. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's unbelievable. Yeah. Terrible luck. Yeah. It's just a happenstance. Yeah. So there's a security guy there, you know, the Ralph's security guy. I run up to him. I say, "Hey, man, did you see somebody steal a bike?" And the guy goes, "No." He says, "I saw somebody just get on a bike and ride away." He goes, "Was it locked?" "Oh, of course it was locked." You know, I realize I'm holding the line right there. We'll be right back here with Norm Macdonald.
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I tell you right now, I, I wish The Norm Show, that's what they call it, the new Norm Show. I wish that was gonna be on the CBS network instead of the ABC network. Yeah. Because CBS needs all the help we can get. ABC is fine. They got, they got Barbara Walters. Yeah. And whenever things start to sag over there, so this, you'll interview Oprah. And so they don't need, they don't need any help. We need a blockbuster smash comedy hit. That's right. So this would be Rachel. You guys love that. This would be the perfect companion piece to Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. Everybody loves Norm.
What kind of a kid were you when your kid? Yeah, guys growing up. All right. But I want to talk about the show, The Norm Show, because I have to do this, you know, tell the people what it's about because I have to, you know, promote it. Yeah. I'm not comfortable in promoting. I only have to promote the first one and everything takes care of a crap. So it's about me. I play a dude named Norm. Right? That was my idea. So I'm a guy. I got kicked out of the NHL for gambling. And then I have to community service as a social worker. You know, and I hate it. I don't like being a social worker. So that sounds pretty funny, right? I enjoyed. I see. I've seen the first two shows and it made me laugh out. Well, yeah. See, the problem is, Dave, I'm not a great like promoter, you know? Like my managers always saying, "I got to get out there and like promote." And I'm not comfortable with that. It's just, you know, talk and tell stupid stories and everything like that. So I was thinking, you know, like since my managers always, "Oh, you got to promote it." I was thinking that maybe he could come out, just promote it himself. Because, you know, I understand you have a manager. Yeah. I got a manager. I had to because I only had an agent and he was no good. Then this is a guy. So you gotta get a manager. You gotta get a manager. And so they said, you know, "Maybe micro visas all these guys." But I, I picked this dude that he's my manager. And I thought maybe I could bring out him and he can like promote the show. You talking? I'm not talking about here now, are ya? You see right now.
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Put the "C" in comedy. Fidel and Lemoney. His Norm Macdonald is our short on Wednesday night, 9:30 on ABC. I'm excited. Norm Macdonald, y'all on a great David Letterman. Wow. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah. Don't you be out fixing fights, boxing business? Now, they didn't want me there. Some here wouldn't know. Norm's Joe gonna be great. Yes. That's not predicted about this man sitting here years ago that he would be global in the soup done. What happened that Lennox Lewis thing? Well, let me tell you something with that Lennox Lewis thing. If you fix a fight, you do not go to the judges. Am I right? Let me tell you something though. Down and out fairness, you know, we have. It's gonna be tough. We have stiff competition here in Sudan. We're up against. We're up against 60 Minutes. To which is a very, you know, minutes. 60 Minutes.
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And you know what makes our country so great is he's the Canadian, but we welcome him here because this is America. The greatest nation in the world.
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We have also on the show is Laurie Metcalf. Is she's damn good. And your heart is so big that you steps down. Your hep another guy is struggling and bring him into the forefront, thrust him out there, and to the light. And he's doing his job. You to be committed. Thank you. Done a standing eight count or something. Business with Don. Yeah, my career is going excellent. He really is a great man.
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That statue was that guy in the statue? That George Washington statue? What statue are we looking at? Roberto Benigni. He's not George Washington in it. Am I wrong? It is sure. Oh, it's gone. Yeah. A Federal Hall is what it is. Great. Yeah. Don King is familiar with that part of town. Oh, Joe, don't you always see Don on the six o'clock news coming out of that bath? That's fine. There's about eight guys. Our next guest is a funny man and the star of his own popular television show entitled Norm. It premieres tomorrow night. Here is the always enjoyable Norm Macdonald.
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You look terrific. What? That's a beautiful suit. You look like a million dollars. Oh, yeah. I bought a suit. I got one for show the respect. You know, I appreciate that. Show the respect to me. Here, show the respect. That's very thoughtful. That was your summer wine hand? Good. It was great. It was a lot of fun. I went. I have a little boy. You know, how old's your son? He's six years old. Oh, that's great. I want to say six. And he's that, you know, we play and staff. What do you do? What kind of thing? I took him to Disney World. Well, there you go. Ahead. Florida. Ever go there? I've never been there. Oh, you don't have. You're barren. Not barren, but you possibly have children. You don't have children? I don't have any currently now. So, but I got to tell you, man, if you ever have kids, I hope. Yeah. Then you should take. Have you been talking to somebody at the lab door?
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Named Timmy. Little Dylan. Little Dylan. A name for Bob Dylan. Yeah. I named him for Bob Dylan. And I thought, "Hey, man, nobody's gonna be named Dylan. That's a cool name." Because when I was a kid, I was read Dylan Thomas. Dylan Thomas. Such a child's Christmas in Wagner. And so I said, "Hey, that nobody. I'll have that name." And then everybody has that name. Because they had that kid on a nine or two one. Oh, this is too long, right? You know, after that discussion of my fertility, I don't much care. Boy, he's a good, well-behaved boy. And I took him to Disney World. There we had a lot of fun. I got, I went to the thing that, you know, usually they have the Goofy, Pluto, you know, the regular characters. But they also have actual animals in a safari park. Oh, yeah. Wild, dangerous jungle beasts. Yeah. Take your child through. And you see. And it's a lot of fun. Except they don't tell you that they're not wearing any pants. You know, like Goofy and Pluto, right? What are you talking about? Goofy in the world? Are you talking about when you see Mickey Mouse? Mickey Mouse is a cartoon character. It's got some track. Always has pants on. That's right. Right. Well, the dangerous lion and elephant, right, have no. Because those are real, actual living beings, right? They're not animated cartoon characters. But I'm a living being. I don't want my child to see my, you know, thing. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I don't want my child. It's fine for you. Clearly different species, Norm. Completely different species. Whole different deal, my friend. Not offended by it myself. But children ask questions. And you have. They go, "What's that thing there between the elephant?" A big, giant, god-awful looking thing.
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Sounds like you have a very special child, Norm. No, maybe you find it very attractive. It's just, I don't see it as a problem. It's just like, it's a, it's a rhinoceros. Eddie. It's just a rhinoceros. Is the thing that I just say, "It's, it's as if some, it's his wallet. It's whirring kit. That's how it keeps us happy. Some change in a comb." Yeah. Maybe if you had a few more dollars in your wallet, you never kid.
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Because I hear guys try to make it. Yeah. You join up a goat. I bet you will have a nice kid one day. Great. That'd be fun. I'd like to have a cup. Diego beans are just like you. Yeah. Where were we? Now, you and your son are there in Disney World. Had a lot of fun. We got, you know, they actually, these animals like Mickey Mouse, little, and stuff. My kid loves them. They give autographs out, you know. The kids stand in line for like, I mean, they're the costumed characters. Yeah. Not the, not the riot or animals. Yeah. And so, you know, you get the, the kids are all excited. "Hey, I'm getting Mickey Mouse's autograph." Of course, you and I know that ain't Mickey Mouse. That's some college dude, you know? Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not gonna stand in line in an hour to get some dude's out of it. I said, "Listen, Dylan, have you ever heard of the character parking lot attendant?" Pretty good. Get him in the car. Get it home. Yeah. Yeah. How's the show? Y'all excited about the premiere? Uh, what do you, what do you got coming up for us? What's new? What's happening on the show? You get a look. You gotta have a gimmick, my friend. Yeah. Yeah. We're trying to get my, the guy I'm doing it with, you know, he's the co-creator. This dude said, "We got to get celebrities." You know, be guest stars. Guest celebrities. Yeah. A lot of the shows have celebrities. Like I saw Dharma and Greg was on your show last night. Bob Dylan gonna be on? That's right. Exactly. And, you know, Heidi Klum's on another show. So anyways, they said, "Let's get some celebrities." Good idea. Yeah. And then it turned out they wanted me to phone celebrities. I said, "You have any celebrity friends you could follow?" Yeah. Is that make you feel kind of wormy when you have to place that call? I hate ya. Because I know they don't want to hear from. I got one guy. Oh, really? Well, that's good. So you're doing better than I would. You know, that guy that was Maude's husband? Played Maude's husband. Yeah. Bill Mason. Bill Macy. Exactly. Yeah. So Bill Macy eats at this restaurant. Yeah. He's across the way. So I wasn't, "Man, you want to be on that TV show?" I have sweet. I think we're doing that. And sweeps. Once Bill Macy, doesn't other guys want to jump? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It'll start a firestorm. The show changed the name. It's no longer The Norm Show. It's not just Norm. Did we cover that before? Yeah. Changed it to Norm. Yeah. It's not The Norm Show. No, that happened there. I don't know. They figured that would rev things up. Oh, yeah. I think so. You know, they take out the. It's like, For Love of the Game. That movie. Love of the Game. They took the actual expressions. For the Love of the Game. Right? They took the "does" out to speed things. That go. That's a great story. You hate me now because it's definitely your testicles. I couldn't be more flattered when guests come on the show and discuss my testicles. It's one of my favorite things. It's certainly not discussed at home. I'll be right now. I'll be a good man. Next time. I always like to show you the respect. You're my favorite guy. Whatever with the suit to show me the respect. Yeah. [ __ ] What are you trying to pull here? No, we're just kidding. No, I'm very much. I feel bad.
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Good evening, folks, and welcome back, everybody. I'm Tom, and The Late Show is on the air. Now, The Late Show, backstage from CBS Television City in Los Angeles, California. I haven't been back to CBS since I left The Late Late Show back in March of 1999. I am especially pleased to be asked to come back and help out with the work while my friend David Letterman recovers from quintuple bypass surgery. Very, very surprising news when we learned that Dave had to go through that procedure, but he's coming back soon. As a matter of fact, he'll be on the air live here, our live on tape here on CBS on Monday night, the 21st, an event that will be, I'm sure, heavily promoted by the television network. My, my first guest tonight is a favorite of yours and a favorite of Dave Letterman's. He's been on Dave's show a number of times. I'm sure you know him from his work on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, and he's now the star of The Norm Show on the ABC, ABC television. You see, I still can't talk, which is why I'm not on anymore. The ABC television network. His name is Norm Macdonald. And thank you for coming on and helping out with the work here while Dave is getting better. Yeah. Well, that's the important thing is that Dave gets better, you know. All right. That is the important thing. Notable bypass, which my kind of close to me, 'cause my dad had a quintuple bypass. Is that right? Had the same surgery. You know, we were, he lived like another 10 days after. Yeah. You should have been finished, you know. But he was an older man. He was like in his 50s. I would assume that when they were trying to come up with a title for the show at ABC, somebody said, "Why don't we just call it Norm?" Right? No, that's not a true story. Oh, it isn't. How did that happen? They wanted to have me called a character a color name of Billy. Yeah. Yeah. But things quickly became problematic with that because during the scenes, whenever a person would say to me, "Hey, Billy," I would go, "Ah." They go, "Billy, Billy, there you go." Oh, yeah. Billy. Right. Right. Yeah. Billy. And I was getting quite fit for you right now because your name's not. If my name is now Billy's anymore, right? So says the guy says, "One name's the same as the next." Right? You know what I mean? Norm. Billy. Yeah. All right. They are really the same when we really get down to it. Let me ask you here, and I saw this, and you were never funnier when you hosted the show here recently, you know? Oh, yeah. You were very, very funny. As you said at the time, "If I wasn't funny then, how could I be funny now?" Right? And then you went on to demonstrate. In any event, the first night that you went, when you walk back in to do that show, what was it like going back into 30 Rock? Well, it was, it was kind of, and I'd taken a lot of the pills, Xanax. I don't know why you did. You call the Letterman Show because you announced on Dave's show or you, you told the public that you were no longer with Saturday Night Live? I was booked on the Letterman Show the next night. Right. The next night. If you say so. Yeah. Yeah. And, and so I said, "Oh, well, I may as well talk about." I just talk about what's going on in my life because I find that truth is funnier and stranger than fiction. So you went on there and told that story. And then Dave was kidding you about Don Ohlmeyer, etcetera, etcetera, right? Dave was much more upset about it than me because Dave wasn't under the influence of Xanax. Please welcome Norm Macdonald.
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How you doing? Yeah, that's right. I'm, I'm just slow. That's okay. Happy New Year. But yeah, thank you very much for being here. Yeah. You don't mind if I ask you a question once out here today? I hear this story and as it's like this press release, you get your ass fired. Is that? Yeah. No, you didn't get fired. Yeah. They fired all. They didn't fire you. No, I'm serious. I got, I talked to a guy that said, "I'm fired." Fired from your television job? From on the weekend? You know, I do the news, the Weekend Update, and I do the jokes there sometimes. Many times. The best part of the show. Yeah. It's all a matter of opinion. That's your opinion. Yes. My opinion. Yeah. But then the guys that can fire me, that's not their opinion. Now, why would they fire you? Well, I've fired your first of all. Let's get some names here. Let's get this on the record. Well, I don't know. The guys like, is the guys that work whether I, Lorne Michaels. Instead, Lorne Michaels fired? No, he did not fire me. Right. He likes me and stuff. Well, he, it's a show, isn't it? I, I thought it was a show. Yeah. But now, can a guy come in from the outside in for you? So what's the ABC fired you? No, they're NBC. What happens is your work on the show, and then there's these guys that hang out like in the hall. Yeah. We got them here. And they're called executives at NBC. Executives. Right. And I'd see him. I didn't know who they were. What they did, you know? Now I know what they do. They fire me for Weekend Update. But they, they, they said that this guy, Don Ohlmeyer, turns out to be the president. Now, I know Don Ohlmeyer. That's between you and me, is an idiot. Oh. So I wouldn't take it seriously if this guy fired you. You may still have a job. You never know. I'd wait for some paperwork. I phoned him, you know? Oh, yeah. A phone. You had to phone him to pick up your messages from gut. Oh, man. I said, "Hey, you know, what to say?" You're like, "Hey, how's it going there?" You know, you're trying to talk about something. Now, did you have a turkey there for the thing or whatever? And then that. So he goes, "Oh, yeah. I'm firing you there from the show." And then I, I said, "Oh, that's not good." I said, "Why is that?" Now, and he goes, "Oh, you're not, you know, you're not funny." Yeah. And then I said, I said, "Oh, Lord, that's even worse news." You know, no, I got nothing to fall back on.
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What is wrong with you? You Quisling. Stop that. I don't know. To me, like, you know, you have to be philosophical about these things. I mean, at first, like, when I found out, you know, I was upset. But then, you know, I, I really started, I started to think about it, you know? And plus, I drank a lot of whiskey. But then the next day, I sobered up and I remembered, you know, that I still had some whiskey left. And one of the things that you did on Saturday Night Live was the, was the Letterman impression. Did you have to clear that in any way or check it out? Well, not legally, no. But I mean, just as, just as a courtesy, you know? Yeah. I told him. Yeah. I won't do it if, you know, I'm gonna do it. Yeah. No, 'cause I have like great respect for him. I didn't want to do it in any way insulting. So I just tried to do an exact impression with no comment on it, you know what I mean? And then let him inform me. And he said he was okay with it, you know? Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. So I felt better about that. You say you did three or four? I'm not familiar with the others that you do. I do the Bob Dole. Oh, right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Slim Pickens. Yeah. Yeah. I like the Bob Dole. Now, did Dole take umbrage at all? What do you think? He ever got upset with it? No, no. He loved it. He used to phone me and stuff. And he always wanted to come on the show. He came on the show at the end and everything. Yeah. 'Cause I like Tim to. I can only do impressions of guys I really like. Wouldn't you love to ask Dole like when he was doing the commercial for commercial for what they now call erectile dysfunction? Yeah. And I mean, how do you feel when you sit down and do that kind of a commercial? I mean, I'd be a little man. Should have erectile function. Did you ever worry? Ever like a bonehead? You ever do punk stuff when you were a kid? When I was young, I was crazy. Like I'd do anything. You know, really? Yeah. It's just like 'cause you're young, you don't care, you know? You don't have a job or anything, right? Just drifting around from town to town. There were one time like 'cause I used to do like, I used to do, you know, like for the purposes of this show, like beer, you know, a little bigger. Yeah. So I was like ripped out of my mind on this beer. It was like, it was like that beer that where you'd like hallucinate where you had so much beer. Yeah. That's a really good beer. And, and so I remember I went to this place. Is this place that in Canada called Ottawa? Yeah. It's a capital. It's the capital of a planet. And so they had this thing every year. It's called the Panda Game, right? It's panda, panda, like, yeah, yeah. And so, but they just call that's none new panic. So, so it's the University of Ottawa versus Carleton University. It's the two universities. And they play a game against this rivalry. That's it. Yeah. And so everybody goes and gets parties up. It has. And they do they drink and they do beer and then they do some more beer and everything, you know? And, uh, and sometimes they mix the beer with the beer. Oh, no. Very careful. So I went to this thing. And then the thing about the Panda Game is it's just a big party. And every year somebody does something crazy, you know? Like the engineering students from one of the things like one time they put a bunch of grease pigs on the feet. Be spillage pranks. College pranks. One, one year they made a big slingshot, giant one, and they shot like water balloons over to the other side to hit. And so every year everybody wonders, "Hey, I wonder what with what's gonna be the big prank?" So then I was there. I was really wrecked, you know? I was like this up in my head, right? I go, "I'm gonna figure out the prank to do. I'm gonna be that guy." You know? And so I'm walking around. I'm no good at pranks, you know? I'm walking around the state. And I'm trying to thinking. I see it, you know? They sell the hot dogs. The hot dogs, too. Yeah. There's a big like mustard thing where you push on your stomach pump. Those big yellow things. And you push on the top to get some for your delicious hot dog. Yeah. Mustard. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'll grab this, this hottest hot dog mustard thing. And so I grabbed it. Nothing like walking away. And I get back to my seat. And I go, "My idea was, I'll chuck this giant mustard thing onto the field." And then it will cause a big mustard stain on the football field. Oh, that would be really cool because mustard is hard to get at. And so I get there, you know, but I'm really wrecked. And I get there and I go, "Huh?" And plus, I was way up, like way. No superhuman strength to get that. Superhuman strand. So I take up the bus and I go, "Ah!" Throw the mustard up, right? And then the mustard just goes up a little way. And then I see like the top, like starts spinning off. Yeah. I think there's mustard all comes out. And then I just see all these guys like right in front of me. And then so my buddy goes, "Run, run, run for your life."
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Norman, you had a couple of beers before the show? District this weekend on Saturday Night Live. Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls. Plus Joe Pesci. Now, got a couple of seconds. Go ahead. Do it. Let me see it. I gotta do it. Bob. All right. Do a little. Yeah. My son. Play nice. Oh, not so easy when I'm sitting right here, is it? Big shot.
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Here we go. That's like, who's gonna be the? I don't know. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls. Ah, yeah. Paul laughs, right? Rob Lowe and the Spice Girls. Being here. Do you enjoy them? You enjoy the Spice Girls? Fault. Thanks very much. Spice Girls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they'll be on the show. You, you, you watch the Saturnalia? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where were times that are now bar? Okay. One time another yard. It's like, yeah.
[Applause]
Now, when he put you on the spot like that, you know, to do the impression right in front of the man. Yeah. It's gotta be a little scary, huh? Yeah. It was very scary. And because I had just done it on Saturday Night Live the week before. And when I came on, I was sure. I said, "Dave's gonna ask me this question." So everybody that works at the Letterman Show, they all know Dave. You know? So like, I know Dave. He won't ask you. All right. So it turns out they don't know. Today is the casual viewer. Turns out, no. I'm better when you're not working. What is Norm like to do? What do I like to do? I like to, I like to travel. Tom, I heard you didn't. Well, for the purposes that I didn't know. I actually like to drink. But this wraparound. We are backstage. And it is a wraparound. Yeah. That ID tag. About the travel thing. 'Cause soon we'll be seeing a clip of that. Is that right? Me talking about drown. Is there, is there a mode of travel that you prefer? Flying versus trains? Driving versus? I like, I like to drive a car. I, I mean, I like to fly a plane. I do not like to drive a car because flying is very safe, whereas driving is extremely dangerous. You know, driving a car. True. True. Statistically, at least what you say is true. And just from your eyes, anecdotally, if you're driving a lot, hey, what do you see? A giant crash, right? Of a car. You never fly a plane. You never see wreckage on a mountain or anything like that. You see constantly car accidents. And yet you think that could never happen to me unless I was here a minute and a half earlier. That's right. But, but you, and you're in your own way of looking at things, have determined that driving is not safe. And therefore, you, I don't drive. You don't drive at all? I don't drive. Now, I don't know how to drive. And I will never drive. Into how did you get here today? Oh, yes. Well, I, I ride. You had some time off? Have you taken some vacation? Have you gone and worked? Right. Yeah. Yeah. I went, I wanted to get away from how the showbiz crazy showbiz. Yeah. So I decided I'd go on a vacation, you know? And I like to go to hotels because all my years of doing my nightclub act, I, I don't like hotels. So I decided I'll go. You know, my buddy tells me, goes, "Hey, you should go in a bed and breakfast." Every hotel? Sure. Yeah. The idea is you go there, it's a guy's house, and you live in his room, and then he makes some breakfast, right? Yeah. So I, I looked one up on the internet there. And I found one. I went to Vancouver Island, Victoria, which is beautiful. Whoa. Guys, God's little country. And so I go there. And I look up my place where I'm supposed to go. I have a little piece of paper. And I knock on the door. Right. There's no answer. So I knock again. There's still no answer. It's a fine. I look like in the window there. And there's no old man sleeping on a couch, you know? So I bang on the door. Right. The doorbell, you know? It's a fine. Light here. Like, "Keep your pants on there, you know?" Pretty inside. And he comes to the door. Old guy, you know? But I'd say 80, 85 years old. Old Harold Delaney. Was this Harold Delaney? Yeah. Nice enough gentleman, you know? And so I got in there. And that says, "Well, I've gotta go to sleep." There's no one else there. I'd be like a whole bunch of people in different rooms, you know? Yeah. And it's just me. So I grew up. And I, I go to sleep. And I'm ready to go to sleep. And I knock comes on the door, right? Knock on the, my bedroom door, right? So I figure, uh-oh. Oh, Harold Delaney wants to have sex with me.
[Music]
That's the first thought that went through your mind. Traveling alone. And of course, as now, I didn't come to Victoria to have sex with old Harold the Lance. Now, I can to do some sightseeing, of course. Then I hear you're at a place of Scrabble. Yeah. So I say, "Okay, that's good. I play some Scrabble." So I go down. And he pulls out the scroll Scrabble game there. And we start to play, you know? I like Scrabble, you know? So I get the first turn, you know, because I picked the lower letter. And so I get first turn. So I make rabbit. Yeah. Pretty good. It's a good word. And then, and then I do it. I do it pretty quick. I take like a couple of minutes. And then old Harold Delaney, he takes like a half-hour. Like beginners word. And the whole time he's not talking. Telling me whole story. I like hearing all stories, you know? And instead, it was like for a half hour. Is Harold Delaney go? So then after a half hour, that, you know, I'm just sitting there. He comes up with his word. It's a hat. So he puts it. And he takes the word hat. And then he puts it like way in the corner on that triple letter score. All right. The triple word, the red one you want to get to. Yeah. Sure. But you can't just put it. The hill noise got some relation to rabbit. Yeah. You gotta move up there. Yeah. But finally gets in there. But instead, he just puts it right there. That's my turn. You know, I do something and quickly. And then again, the same thing. Like, you know, time going by. And then every word he, and I was kind of with good words, you know? I had a sleigh, sleigh ride, and avocado. Ooh, there's a seven-letter word. You have 50 extra points. I'm still way behind. I'm like, "I gotta say something." Sure. So he, and all his words were like, "Cup." And I think it was just like things he'd see around me. I'm playing excellently. I should be in the lead. But instead, I'm points behind. And finally, like, I gotta say something, you know? So he puts a boot, you know, up on this triple. And it really annoyed me because I was building towards your triple letter. And he just puts boot. And I said, "If I, I gotta say something here." And I go, "Hey, old Harold Delaney, there. No, there were no blanks." You know, the blanks of the game is always good. You any lies? There's no blanks in this game. And I figured old Harold Delaney must have, when he got the game, figured that the hell is that? You know, all afternoon as we do this. You've been playing on the off with a cigarette. Did you do smoke? I quit smoking a year ago. Good for you. Thank you. You quit smoking? Yeah. And you, and you smoke at the tomorrow show? We puffed. We didn't smoke. We puff. You probably caused many children to start smokers. So you hold a cigarette and you never might it? Yes. It helps me. I have an oral fixation. The doctors tell me I'm like Beretta. Is really funny things ever sigh on your show when Robert Blake came on and told that huge bull story? We get it about six times, as a matter of fact. Yeah. All right, folks. I hold in my right hand tonight's top ten list. How the classic top ten list. Yeah. Now, Don Rick Don Rickles joins us shortly here on tonight's show. You know, Don, you work with Don. He did a movie with God on Slip of the Tongue, and he was sterile. He's my favorite guy. So funny. And we did this long take in the movie where because we hadn't really written that much, we figured, "We're gonna get Don Rickles, you know, wing it, don't move your way through it, help us with the film." So he started just insulting everybody. But then he starting to run out. And at one point, I was standing beside this other guy, a fat guy. And he goes up to sometimes he just says stuff that makes no sense, right? And he goes after the guy beside me, and he goes, "Look at you. You look like a like a whale in Alaska." You know? So that was a good thing. And then he comes up to me, and he's completely out. You can see in his eyes, you can't think of any. I guess looking. Look at you. Why don't you go to? What do you go to Alaska? Suck a whale.
[Laughter]
We're back with Norm Macdonald. And I'm sure you're enjoying every hour of our time together. Richard Simmons was to have been here tonight, but Richard is out helping people lose weight and, and that in the Dakotas tonight. So, well, he couldn't be here. Do you, do you work out yourself? Or you an exercise person? Yeah, I got one thing. I got the abs of steel. Oh, you do? Really? No, I don't have them. I got a tape or why they're call that. All right. You need anything like, how are your abs? Yeah. There's like steel. And you go to work. I don't know why you do. You just show people. I don't know what you're doing them. You know, they used to have the buns of steel with the ladies. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. That would hurt. And the, what was, what was the one Suzanne Somers? The ThighMaster. The ThighMaster. Yeah. It was that your nickname for your? Not at all. But I, you know, I just wonder how you come on and you say, you say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to buy a product called the Fine Master." Yeah. The guys who sat around a meeting table and said, "We'll call it the Fine Master." Yeah. They have the ass mask. Now, is your name the same cable kid? Very funny stuff. When he, when he goes out Letterman with with people, you know. And how about the time when I was in door-to-door salesmen? Did you really? What yourself doors? What other jobs have you, have you had besides actor and comedian? I was a town drunk, village idiot. No, but I could be serious for a second. Did you ever wait table or drive a cab or something like that? I did. I don't drive, but I ride cab. I did a lot of manual labor. Did all manual? Really? Yeah. Like brickwork. Brickwork. I did. Yeah. Making all this up as we go or no? That whole thing that we showed about the Scrabble game, you made that whole thing. Imagine that. Was that a? That was true. Truth is stranger than fiction. I said, trying to tell you that. Have you heavy lifting? I did a lot of heavy lifting. I did. I move furniture. That's a hard job. Nice furniture. Because, because the stairs are never right for the, for the, the contours of the giant couch that you have to lift up. But people that I worked with, man, they loved lifts and furniture. Yep. At one time, one time, there's an interesting story time. It's probably too long. But I was working with an old guy, you know, old guy. His name was Gus. And we had to move this thing up a ladder, see, to, to, to a balcony because we couldn't get it up the twisting spiral stair. Okay. Okay. So we have to go outside and and put a ladder up. So old Gus, he's on the balcony, you understand? Yep. With a rope holding this giant refrigerant. Abs of steel. And a heavy steel. I'm on the bottom, climbing up the ladder, pushing the, the refrigerator. Refrigerator. I slip off the ladder and fall down. And old Gus has the entire weight of the refrig. And I'll his muscle to shooting out. He wouldn't let go. You know, abs of steel. And the stem. That was a good story. No, it's a great story. We're here with Norm Macdonald. If I said that before tonight? Yeah. Any good wishes for day before we move on here? Yeah. Best wishes, man. The sincerity just flows off of you. I love you. I'm glad to see you back on TV. You kept saying when you were leaving that one day you'd be back. And the world, and in the way, truth is stranger than fiction. Gave returns on Monday night. Don Rickles is still ahead.
And our thanks to Norm Macdonald for joining us here tonight. Late Show backstage at CBS TV City, and Los Angeles. Continued success on "The Norm Shark." Is there, and continued success in, in your life. Thank you very much.
My pleasure, sir. See it the dog. Bye. See you at the dog park.
[Applause] [Music] [Applause]
My next guest is a very funny man and the star of the popular television program "Norm." Ladies and gentlemen, here's our good friend and Norm Macdonald.
[Applause]
Yeah, you said to me when you came out, and I appreciate it. He said, "Hey, nice to see a man." And then you looked at me and he said, "You look great." But the look in your eye, I could tell you didn't mean it.
No, do I look bad? Do I look like I'm fading here?
No, I felt weird saying, "You look great." It always means like it sounds compared to being dead. It's what you were thinking, right?
Actually, when I saw you on Monday, because they were pro-mowing it all day, but they never showed you right in the promos.
Yeah. Snicker. Yeah, yeah. I said, "I wonder what Dave's gonna look like." I was watching with my buddy. And then you come out, and your face looked like green. Green. And then I said, "Oh my god, Dave's face turned green." Then turned light pink. Whoo. And then I realized it was my TV. It wasn't.
You thought maybe it was a side-effect of the surgery at first?
No, I knew that people don't turn green, pink, green, grip, being pink. Yeah. But I thought red at first. You were green. I said, "Oh my god." So anyways, that I'm gonna get my TV fixed, which is a lot better than, you know, when you think about it.
Yeah, well, easier, probably. Do you, I, I heard something that I thought was interesting, and I get nervous. I'm just, I get nervous around sick people. I've been, I've been through a brother friend's newest procedure. I'm not.
Oh my god. I know. I know about that stuff. I go to doctors all the time.
You do? Really?
Yeah. I'm like, "You're in pretty good shape."
Well, I'm afraid of getting sick, and I'm afraid of that stuff. Yeah. You know, 'cause I, uh, I go to specialists. I go to the Mayo Clinic. Ever.
Oh, yeah? They're pretty good up there.
Great. You have some top boys. Yeah. 'Cause I used to go to general practitioners. GPs. Yeah. Those guys suck. I don't even understand what their general. They know they're not a specialist in anything. So they're kinda like, "Yeah, I'm a little bit good at everything." So I go, "Give me a physical." You know what they do? They go like this. They poke around my belly. You know what I mean? And then they take a thing, they look at my ear with a light. Right there. I go, "Is everything all right there in my head?" My entire head's good, huh? You can see the entire. Then they take the thing, it's almost like a cartoon, that like they hit my knee with it, or their reflex. Yeah. Let's sure. Yeah. So, and that never comes back negative, you know what I mean?
Yeah. We're hooked. Sometimes it might, but you're hooked up pretty good now.
They go, "You're not good news. You're not paralyzed from the neck down." Yeah. "Your knee responds to me hitting it with a hammer."
[Applause]
I heard like that. God, I've done. He's just resting. No.
I want to ask you a question about your personal life, and if it's none of my business, please tell me now. I heard that you had given up. You had a recreation. You had a hobby. A gambling. You enjoyed gambling.
Yeah. I had the hobby of compulsive gambling.
Really? And you've given it up?
Yeah.
Good for you. That's a big step. Yeah. So, it, how's that going?
It's, it's not much fun. Life isn't much fun without it. Really?
No, it's not a lot of fun because there's nothing to do. I don't watch games anymore because I used to bet on the games. It's very exciting. I don't go to. Last week, the thing about it is, you start feeling like a big jackass, you know? And then they think they're fooling you. Like you go to casinos, right? Sure. And they're friendly to you. Like the bigger jackass you are, the more friendly they are, you know? You're in trouble when a guy runs out wants to give you free stuff. "Hey, you want a steak?" "All right." "Free to keep you gambling is what it is." Yeah. "You want a steak here in the hotel like for free for a week?" You're like, "No, I'm just here for the day." Yeah. No, seriously. And I got some steak.
Did you, did you, did you, did you ever win really, really big? I don't know much about gambling. I don't know much about this compulsion. So, did you ever win big? Is that the point, or is it just the, the action?
I don't know. I went to a psychiatrist.
Ever go to those guys?
Yeah, sure. Those guys are horrible.
Are they worse than the GPs?
They're much worse. I'll tell you what. I said, "Kya, just does, man." They, they make you like get in touch with the emotions that you spend your life trying to avoid. At all. She was trying to. She was like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "Hey, man, hey, you know, everything's fine." She's like, "No, but boy." Yeah. Oh, the sudden I'm like all emotion. Like you on Monday night where you were emotional. You were. Yeah. And a guy's like, not a regularly emotional guy like you, right? And then they are emotional, right? It's like, it's like watching Nixon cry when you brought the doctors out, right? And all that. And the staff. And all I could think of is, at that hospital, what about the people that come in might help? I felt bad about the guy they left on the table.
Yeah. Good to have you back. I've been having to watch Rhoda on the channel now. When we come back, I want you to tell the story. Every time you've been here, we didn't have time to get to the story. The first time you got drunk.
Okay. Will do. I'll be right back.
[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]
Norm Macdonald. It's a great story, and we always run out of time, and I want you to tell. Ahead, you were a kid writing this one last time. You were, you'd get drunk.
When I got drunk. Yeah. I was a very straight-laced kid. You know how old were you when yourself?
I was 18, 19 years old, and I just sat. I decided to drink, you know. And I was out with my buddies at a bar. My god, we started drinking. They had those as shooters, you know?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Those are hard to take, you know? You can't, you can't gauge them, you know? And before you knew it, I was so crazily drunk, like just drunk out of my mind. And so then time passes in a weird way. And my friends, they wanted to leave the bar, and I'm making friends with everybody, man. There was a fat guy with a beard, you know? And there was a jukebox. It's like a western movie. I mean, and there's a bartender, there's all kinds of ladies, and everything like that. And everybody's my friend. So I'm getting drunker and drunker with these shots, you know? And they're all crazy, dirty, sexy name shots, you know?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Have a Dirty Sexy. So I get all drunk, and then I go into the bathroom, and a dude gives me some pills. Yes. In pillow. And you're not supposed to ever mix pills with booze, right? Yeah. And then any doctor told you up at the Mayo Clinic?
Yeah. But this guy was not a doctor. He was just a guy I met in the bathroom.
Even worse than a GP.
He was worse than a GP. His name. No. His name though is Dr. Midnight. Is not a doctor, you know? Yeah. So anyways, so I take these pills, and what they do is, they say that you're not supposed to mix them. But on the other hand, it, in one way, it works. So I'm like, so drunk now, I'm having so much fun, and everything. Hey, if that bearded guy, having an arm wrestle with him? I don't know. Then all of a sudden, I go to, I'm playing pool. I go to shooting a pool. I fall down right now. The pool balls. And then I do blackout. What's called blacking out? It's not passing out like you don't, don't remember anything. Oh, yeah. Broke. I wake up right. I'm in a bed, but it's not my bed, you know? And I look beside me, who do I see? The fat bearded guy. Well, I go, "Holy Lord." Got ahead. I had sex with the fat guy. At this point in my life, I was a young man. I had never had intercourse in my life, right? And I know it was imaginative, but I never imagined it that way. I imagined a nice lady in a dress. That's right. Oh my god. Then I notice we're in twin beds, you know? We're not like, not in the same bed. And I go, "Is this some kind of one of them old-fashioned gay guys?" Gay guys are generally not old-fashioned. They're right on top of the latest thing. On top of the latest. They have sex and they don't even use a lady. So anyway, the upshot of the story is, what happened is, I never had sex with this fat guy with a beard. This guy had checked me into a rehab. This guy was like a dirty drunk, and he took me for a dirty drunk dinner. Yeah. So I'm like, "What the hell? This is a man." No, go here in rehab, man. It's good for both of us, right? Yeah. I got so, I had a big like a robe on and fluffy slippers. Wouldn't give me my clothes. Well, how long were you a bag of my clothes? I'm where they wouldn't tell me. Why would they let you out?
Three days. I had his three days. They made me go to an, what's called an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, right? And I get up, I go, "Hey, I'm not an alcoholic." Which, it turns out, is what a lot of alcohol.
How long did you guys date? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Norm Macdonald.
[Applause] [Music]
You know, you don't know him. What I like about you, you're actually funny. We want to be. You're just genuinely fryer. Now, everything you say. Thanks, MacDonald. And John the goodman. Monday, Drew Carey will be here and Dolly Parton. And I will be back Monday for the big program. Have a great weekend. Craig Kilborn is next. Good night, everybody.
[Music]
The Blade Show is a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated. This is Alan Copper saying good night. Drive safely.
[Applause] Cup your pants.