Why and When Men Commit to Relationships!

Welcome to the weekly Q&A with Dr. Gray. During this show, Dr. Gray will take questions from the audience and answer them for you. Please share this out with all of your friends and family across all social media platforms.

[music]

And now, let's welcome Dr. Gray.

>> Hey everybody. Today we're going to explore a delightful topic, [clears throat and cough] particularly answering a question that many women have, but I think men will also learn a lot about themselves and how to create a relationship that's successful and lasting. Uh, I think ultimately we all want that. Sometimes we don't know what we want, but that is a part of growing up, love, and relationship. And today's theme is why and when men commit to a relationship. Well, that's a great understanding and insight. And of course, there's always the simple answer which I would have and I'll start with, but welcome Barbara. Uh, the simple answer is simple to say, but it needs a lot of understanding to really put it into practice. Okay. So that's why a lot of these gender things I say them, but what, how do you do it? How do you apply it? Whatever. I see all kinds of people giving advice. Oh, love your partner and oh, be forgiving and oh, it's a process of how to do that. If it was so simple, we'd all be happily married and there'd be twice as many married people and families in America right now. But that's not the case. This stuff is hard, but we have to have the right direction.

Um, that's often having your north star to know the direction you want to go in. And when it comes to understanding why and when men commit to a relationship, the answer is very simple. It's when a man feels confident that he can make a woman happy. That's it. When he feels confident that he can be himself and it will be enough to make his partner happy. That is so critical. And certainly, there's in the beginning, because of the newness of a relationship, we go into kind of a dream world, a drug trip, where we're super optimistic. Uh, this is what happens in a man's brain when he experiences adrenaline. Now, dopamine is new and different, exciting, being challenged. And to the extent that there's a little danger involved, like rejection, personal rejection, not like I'm solving a problem and I'm focusing on trying to solve it, that's dopamine level stimulation, or I'm driving my car, that's dopamine stimulation. But now, if I'm in danger, but I'm still confident, as I mentioned many times, if I'm driving my car at 80 miles an hour, I'm in danger for sure of getting a speeding ticket. Uh, but I'm confident because I'm looking in the rearview mirror. I'm not going to get a ticket. That's adrenaline. Danger and adrenaline. And also just driving a car is actually, if you really realize, going past on a country road, a deer could run out in front of you. So there's danger and you have to be careful of that. When the when you're looking in your rearview mirror and the lights go off behind you, the blue and red lights, the police are going to pull you over for a ticket. Suddenly, you've experienced that biology change. That is cortisol. That is fight or flight. And so this is different degrees of stress hormones. We've done some shows on that just focusing on that.

Well, when a man is in the newness of a relationship, there is adrenaline being produced because it's more personal. And more personal is personal rejection. When you care about someone, you're interested in them, you want to pursue them, you could be rejected, you could say the wrong thing, they may not like you. Uh, they think less of you. So there's that cortisol. There's cortisol if it's big danger, but and that can happen. We'll get to that, but just moderate danger. Okay. So you still feel confident, that is adrenaline. So what happens is men will interact with a woman and he is the dopamine gets produced. Now he's going to take some action to date you, to be involved with you, to win you over on a very physical level. He's attracted to you physically. You know, hopefully it ends up at some point having sex. It's not that that's the only thing he wants. He's looking for love. He may not know it. He may be just feeling the sexual attraction and wanting to connect with her in that way. And this is not a low thing, okay? This is just the way men are designed. Uh, it's their way of feeling love. It turns out that when a man feels attraction to a woman physically, the desire to connect with her produces a balance of hormones. It you can measure his hormones at that time. His testosterone's going up and his estrogen's going up, the male hormone and the female hormone. And that's the ultimate. That's what we're all looking for is where we can find the balance of our own masculine feminine side. Inside, it's the essence of creativity. It's how we continue to solve problems. It's how we have continued aliveness in our life. And it's also how attraction happens is when a woman can stimulate both a man's testosterone and his estrogen levels. And the same thing for a man. I win my wife over. I create safety for a woman to be herself. That's the whole thing. For men, they want to be successful. Primarily the hormones of success. I'm confident that I can be successful in winning her over, having her love me, having her appreciate me, having her open her heart to me. And Ava, good to see you again. The this is attraction. Angela, thanks for joining us.

Hey everybody, I'm talking about this subject and you can put in your questions and after I cover the main points, I'll address some of those if you have on this subject ideally. Uh, so the subject of course is why, why and when men commit and the answer to that is when men feel confident. Now, here's the illusion is that when a man is turned on in the beginning of a relationship, there's so much dopamine which converts into adrenaline that he has a strong adrenaline response which is increasing testosterone, which means desire and blood flow stops to the more emotional part of the brain and goes to the logical part of the brain, the optimistic logical part of the brain. It's like when I'm driving 70, 80 miles an hour, I'm very optimistic at that time while I'm facing danger. If I wasn't optimistic, I wouldn't be going so fast. Okay. So, there's a place where optimism is the first expression. So, men start out being optimistic. At some point, it may be he has anxiety before that. He could be in a stress state and that would be for his own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. But let's just say a guy who's able to initiate a relationship, he's in an adrenaline state. It gives him confidence. He moves forward. Typically, males today have low testosterone levels. Uh, maybe half of what it was 50 years ago. I know that just 20 years ago, if you look at what testosterone levels are in a 20-year-old, they're 20% less. And you keep going back, it's just going down and down and down. And that lack of testosterone in their body creates more anxiety and fear and stress. But let's just assume he's got some testosterone because some do. And love your work, John. Thank you. Thanks, Tess. Come on in.

And so he now, he's in the relationship, he's interacting with you, and he's feeling confidence. So that's why he's moving in the direction, but at a certain point, he loses his confidence. And so he's like seeing, can this last? Can this last? Okay, I know I'm doing it right. Doing it right. This is good. She's potential. She's all right. But when does he actually make the commitment? Is when he has, when the dopamine levels, the newness starts to wear off a bit, and he still has confidence based upon not the drug of dopamine and adrenaline. He's more at ease with her. He's already sort of has her, and they're dating, and they're in a relationship, and he calms down. There's no adrenaline. There's just the dopamine of the newness, which is good. Uh, what happens at that point is, is he still confident? Because adrenaline creates false confidence. So he shows a lot of interest, a lot of interest, and then the familiarity in the relationship sets in. Does he still have confidence? He doesn't get free confidence. And this happens. Everything I'm saying is true for single women, but it's also true for couples who are married. The same thing happens inside of men. It's the newness of a situation. He feels confident, but then routine sets in. Unless he has a history of successfully providing happiness for her, not her making him happy. See, this is the whole thing is that women in marriage, women who are dating, they're focusing on, okay, I love him, I like him, I want to connect with him, I want us to connect. Marie, thanks for coming. Uh, now I get it. That's why more men today adopt feminine behaviors. Yeah. Uh, that's why a lot of men will hear my ideas at first and go, "What? You know, this is not what I'm taught in school. This is not what I learned at university. This is like heresy. How can this be true? Or this can't be true, and it's not me?" Well, that's because you're way on your female side. But the symptoms of being on your female side, just look at what they are. Procrastination is one. Okay, that's not taking action. That's one of the symptoms. Another is irritability and annoyance. Another one is fear of rejection. Another one is, see, these are all when men go to their female side. This is how it shows up. It's not that they're behaving like women. They're behaving like men who have lost a lot of their masculinity and as a default, they go to their female side. See, it's the absence of masculinity in a man. Female hormones start getting produced, and he starts having crazy ideas like, I want to find a woman who has a lot of money so I don't have to work. I remember I did a seminar a long time ago which was, I want to test the men in the room as who's suitable for relationship. And I said, man, if you had a choice, let me see if I can remember this. If you had a choice and you could work hard and make enough money to support a woman, or you could be with a woman who could work hard or has enough money to support you. What would you want? And you know, out of a group, there's usually one guy, at least back then, who says, "Oh, I want to find a woman so I don't have to work." And I get it. Okay. I remember when I was like, I think 12 years old or 14 years old. Work? I don't want to work. I don't want to have to do that. And then that changed. That changed because my mother had the wisdom of having me hang around men who have jobs and work hard. Uh, I think she realized that, you know, my dad was traveling a lot, so I didn't have an example of somebody who was working hard for making money. And I'm sure he worked somewhat hard, but he wasn't there. I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. So eventually she got me at 12 years old a paper route. And they said, "I'm too young." And then she said, "Well, then I'll take the paper route." And it was our neighborhood paper route. So my mother knew the paper boy wasn't there. So she brought me there. Here I'm this little 12-year-old. She says, "Oh, Johnny, I have a surprise for you." And we went. She It's a paper route. I didn't know what that was, you know. And then they wouldn't give it to me, but then she took it on. Then she helped me with my paper route. She eventually, it was such a big route with 300 people, I couldn't do it on my bicycle. So she would drive me. I mean, it's amazing. My mother really helped me be this little entrepreneur until I got my license. And then my brother got his license and he would drive me and I would throw the papers. We had the biggest paper route in Houston, Texas at the time. We started expanding, had a little business and I hired kids from the neighborhood and gave them Coca-Cola and peanuts [laughter] and they literally worked for peanuts and they would help roll the papers after school. So I had a little business there. So, and it was by being around the men who were all doing it and resonating with that entrepreneurial spirit that I got to do it myself, kind of a thing. And that's how I got, and how any man can develop his masculinity is hang out with men who work hard and don't indulge in negative emotions. Don't indulge in complaining and whining, but be hard workers and then take your time off, you know? And they're not perfect men, you know, they would go home and drink beer, whatever they do. But my experience with them is that they're responsible and they're working hard. And we tend to as children growing up, resonate with the people around us. One of the things that's in the whole sort of personal growth genre is, you know, you become like the people you surround yourself with. So look at the people who are around you and is that who you want to be like? And if it's not, you know, expand. You don't have to get rid of your circle, so to speak, but you can expand it to increase that. And certainly workshops and books and autobiographies and things like that, biographies can help you connect with because when you read a book, you also connect with that person or you watch a video of that person. You watch, you're connecting with them. You're resonating with the way they think, the way they approach life and so forth. And what you're looking at with school teachers for boys is, you know, the whole woke ideas, you know, of there's no difference between men and women. And if you go even further extreme, you can even choose your gender, which is nonsense. We have biology. You can't just choose your biology. It's what it is. You can, however, choose if you're a man to take on all the attributes of your feminine side, and it's there. I have that feminine side. For example, I made sure that my t-shirt matched the black lines in my shirt. I learned that from my daughter. It makes it look better. It punches out more. I comb my hair before I come and do this show. I try to be presentable. Every day I shower because I can smell good for my partner and my family. Okay, so these are all my female side qualities. [laughter] If you see a teenage boy, he doesn't always do those things. He hasn't yet matured enough to integrate his masculine with his feminine, which is okay. He's a teenager. You know, he's got a girlfriend when he starts putting on cologne, [laughter] which is a good thing as well.

So, the point I'm making here is our testosterone levels are low. And it's only when a woman inspires high testosterone in a man that he makes that decision. And that's when he makes that decision. So, that's a quick answer. And now, we'll do some question answers on this as I continue to unfold the ideas. We got a question with Angela. What can a woman do to attract a man who can provide emotional safety and resolve conflicts easily in a serious relationship? See, the thing about it, thank you for the question, Angela. Women have the power to create that with almost any man, unless he's severely addicted to pornography or alcohol or whatever. You know, addiction means he's in love with somebody else. Okay? I mean, something else is stimulating high dopamine in his brain, and therefore it desensitizes the brain. So you can't, the novelty of you and your love can't really attract him that much. But the men who are attracted to you, there are men that will be attracted to you. You can practice your skills if you're single, and if you're already in a relationship with your husband, and maybe he does a little porn or something, or maybe drinks a little too much. Uh, you're married. So you have to love your partner and you learn how to empower him back to you. You being the source of love in his life rather than the addiction providing the brain stimulation that makes him feel good. See, when we feel good, it's the same experience as when somebody loves us. Many men really don't understand, really can't receive love unless it's something really big and everybody's applauding him, and then the next day it's gone. Makes a lot of money and, oh, I'm so great, and then the next day it's gone. And now he has to pump himself up by being arrogant and selfish and all these problems that happen with wealthy people because they don't really earn, if they don't earn their love by being kind and supportive and effective and competent and working hard, and this is all part of masculinity. So when a woman, the simple answer to why and when does a man commit to a relationship, it's when a man feels confident after habituation occurs, after familiarity occurs, he needs to have a history of being successful in the relationship. If you suddenly just jump into bed with a guy afterwards, that strong desire to connect with you, which God gives to men through women's beauty. We're attracted to beauty. We want to connect with that. We are to feel whole within ourselves. We might not think I'm going to feel whole, but to feel experience fulfillment, men depend on women much more than women depend on men. Uh, the reason for this, and it's why I wrote this book called Be Happy With or Without a Man. You can be happy with or without a man. There are certain extra perks you get when you do have a man, but there's also the challenge of the man not being supportive in your life, and that becomes hurtful and painful. So many women just choose, I'll be happy without a man. And sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. You know, it all depends upon whether they're able to create hormonal balance. Being single, it's very easy to create hormonal balance. When you are in a relationship with a man, when you know how to bring out the best side of a man. When you know how to build up a man's confidence, and a man's confidence is built up by him doing little things for you. See, not all men can be billionaires, millionaires, all that had huge amounts of money, or even making, you know, a million dollars a year, something like that. You know, once you have that, the research shows that that's no guarantee of happiness in a relationship, and also becomes a deterrent much of the time. Uh, and that's because when a man really can provide a lot, he feels like, well, I provide so much on the physical level. What more do you expect of me? Because see, he's more superficial. He doesn't understand the depth of love. To make that much money often, although sometimes you inherit it, but to make that money often you had to be way on your male side, and often you don't have connection to your female side.

Jules says, "Love your work, John. How do you keep that connection inspired once routine settles in and the beginning of the relationship high is gone?" That's exactly it. So we're going to keep looking at how women unknowingly sabotage that from happening, okay? How they unknowingly knock a man's confidence down. And we're going to look at men, how you set yourself up so that you don't grow in the confidence that will allow you to make a commitment. I have a lot of men over the years who are 40 years old, never made a commitment, now 45 years old, some, and they want to have a serious relationship. A funny story, when I first became aware of this, I was back in my heyday, I was being driven around in limousines everywhere. People were calling me everywhere to give talks and so forth. And they still do, but not like then. When you're sitting at the top of the bestseller list, you get a lot more attention. You know, I was canceled, so that doesn't happen so much anymore. But I'm driving in this limousine, and the guy's driving the limousine, he finds out who I am. He says, "You're a relationship expert?" I said, "Yeah, relationship expert." He says, "You know," I said, "How are your relationships?" He says, "Well, I'm kind of, I'm doomed. I have a curse." I said, "What's your curse?" And he says, "Well, I've been with three women and it just doesn't work out." I said, "Okay, don't tell me anything more. Let me tell you exactly what happened." And so he says, he says, "You're dating this woman and everything's fine, everything's wonderful, and you can make her happy and everything seems to be fine, and then suddenly one day it's like she's crazy." Uh, it's like, if you put it in terms for some men, they'll say she's, oh, I forget that word. It's, I don't need to say it. It's just a simple thing. She doesn't make any sense. She gets upset over things. She gets so needy. Suddenly she wants more. You know, whatever I do, it's never right. You know, she's always giving me trouble. Okay. [laughter] So, we argue a lot. And trying to remember that word. Can't remember it right now. But so anyway, I said, "Hey," he goes, "Yeah, yeah. How'd you know? How'd you know?" I started describing, you know, women. And I even said, sometimes she'll say, "I just want to talk to you. Don't solve my problems." And he says, you know, it's like she's crazy. Why would she want to talk about something if she talks about problems if she's not looking for solutions? And I said, you think that's crazy? Because as long as you have a solution to something, you don't need to talk about it. The only reason you need to talk about is to help get help to solve something. That would be typically the way men are. And so, and then we get these big arguments. And I said, "So the problem is you don't understand women is that when women are stressed and life is stressful, and when the familiarity in the relationship starts setting in, you don't get this free um positivity all the time for you and for her. And when her positive automatic positivity goes away, optimism goes away. Anticipation of getting what you want. You know, women imagine, oh, I'm going to get what I want and this is going to be so good." And it's as if it's happening. It would be as if I gave you a million-dollar check and you think, "Oh, I'm a millionaire." You go out and spend all that money and you find out the check bounced. Well, then you'd be really upset. Well, this is what happens when that drug high goes away. There's disappointments. There's frustration. And when women are disappointed and frustrated, what happens is they need to talk about their feelings. And there's a lot of logical reasons for this as well. When men are on the hunt, you know, they've got the woman, familiarity sets in. It's like, "Okay, I solved the problem. I don't have to do all that stuff to win her over. She knows I love her. She loves me. Everything's going to be fine." So he loses the momentum. And men will always lose the momentum. You have to know this, women. This is familiarity. Familiarity causes dopamine levels to drop. And dopamine is what motivates men. Now, familiarity for a woman drops dopamine. But what happens as well is when women are feeling stressed, their dopamine levels will go up, but from the point of view of I'm not getting what I need and now I have to take action to do it. So when women are stressed, they feel overwhelmed because they have more dopamine being stimulated. But men literally run out of dopamine at the end of the day, and particularly when you're in a relationship, very quickly as routine sets in, that dopamine you felt in the beginning, it disappears. So, what happens to men's motivation? As soon as he loses his natural motivation because dopamine levels have dropped, women start to doubt he loves you. He's not doing all those things that women would often do. See, when women are in a new relationship, and for the rest of their relationship until she burns out, she's busy thinking, "What can I do for him? How can I give him? What can I do?"

Logan says, "Any advice for a woman who has low libido and orgasm is painful?" Yeah, last week we did all about estrogen levels. I'll try to get to that today. Uh, low libido because certainly that is something that kills a guy's confidence. Okay, it's a woman's openness and interest in sexuality that gives a man confidence and that causes him to commit, that causes him to fall in love, that causes him to stay in love in spite of the familiarity that sets in. Familiarity with the same person every day. It'd be like, you know, women having to wear the same outfit every day. You become so bored with it. For most women, you need new and different. That's why women are shopping and changing and colors and all that. This is change creates stimulation of dopamine. That's why going different places, vacations is really, really important to stimulate dopamine to keep the romance going because when dopamine goes up when a couple are together, [clears throat] his testosterone will tend to go up and her estrogen levels will tend to go up. And when a woman's estrogen levels double, then she has romantic feelings. And when she has romantic feelings, it will double his testosterone. See, this is why I say women, you know, you have the power. If you can, if you can get him to do something for you that will start raising your estrogen levels, then automatically his testosterone levels will go up. Why is sexual interest on a woman's part and the ability to enjoy sex so key? Now, there's sometimes people do have physical problems and you can, sex doesn't have to be intercourse, by the way. It can also be affection, touching, clitoral stimulation, and so forth. You can do a lot with the fingers and a lot with touching. So I don't want to limit it just to the normal traditional, but for most people, they're having traditional. And we'll look at how women can, when sex is painful, usually it's the, you know, she's over 40 and it's her body stops making estrodiol and how can she make estrone, estrone, how her body stops making estrodiol which lubricates down south, increases circulation, and makes it enjoyable. If you have, when your body starts making estrone, you don't have that automatic lubrication and so forth. Your body dries up more. Estrone is basically when a woman feels, I don't need a man, I can do it all myself. Estradiol is saying, I can depend on a man. I trust a man. I depend on men to feel happier. So anytime you're feeling dependent on someone and assuming and trusting that you're going to get what you need, you're aware of what you need from others, you start making more estradiol, and that's the whole key thing. Estradiol also for women who, you know, don't want wrinkles on their face. Well, primarily wrinkles occur as soon as you stop making estradiol and you're making estrone. So the techniques in my book are help, you know, I've done last week I did a whole talk on this on menopause and so forth. So you can go there to understand to help sex not be so painful. Um, and it can also just be not enough foreplay. Simple as that. And stress, stress means low estradiol. So you need to raise your estradiol levels up. And ideally, you have a life that can lower, raise your estradiol. And then a man takes you from from 10 times more estrogen than a man to 20 times more. And that is what then awakens the testosterone in him. So, you know, when a guy's out there and he's single, he sees a woman or he goes on porn, and she's sort of revealing parts of her body more than everybody else, that signals his primitive brain that she wants to have sex with me. And why is that so critical for a man? And that is because generally speaking, historically and in the animal kingdom, the female at most animal kingdom, the female doesn't want to have sex until a man proves himself, okay? Until she sees him as desirable, someone she will mate with, create a family with, you know, so it's a huge compliment to a man if a woman wants to have sex with him. And but just dressing in a sexy way, the brain doesn't know the difference if she's dressing in a sexy way. The problem with that is that when women dress in a sexy way, men are getting the message that in her eyes, I'm the alpha male. I'm the king of the world. So then when after the whole thing is consummated, he generally will get the message even right then that he's not the alpha. And if he was able to continue feeling like the alpha, the Superman, great guy, worthy of love, all that good stuff, all it takes is for her to be upset with him about something, complain about something, and he comes crashing down. You know, for me, my wife can complain about me and I just, I listen, I hear her inside. I chuckle inside. I know she's so lucky to have me as a husband. These that all I have to do is just listen and she'll come back to how lucky she feels. She feels so grateful to me. I'm a good husband. And what makes me a really good husband? Hold this up for a second for Sam. What makes me a great husband? I'll tell you, it's not that I do all this super romantic stuff, you know, you can imagine me to be the super romantic guy. I work. I make a good living. Uh, you know, I'm not ultra rich. Uh, I used to be. I'm not anymore. My money manager went to jail. [laughter] So, but I'm happy in my life. But most important, I do little things for my wife. One, two, is she can't upset me and make me angry. That's those are the two major things. She feels safe in my presence. Our bills are basically paid. You know, we're not extravagant, whatever, but we live a nice safe life. You know, have some worries and whatever. And she'll express worries and whatever. Nothing's ever perfect. And I will listen. And how do I do that? Well, I learned because I developed all these ideas and I sat in counseling with women for nine years every day, five days a week, every day, learning how powerful effect it has if you just sit there and listen and you don't give a lot of solutions. It's not like I never give solutions in counseling. I will often wait till she feels fully heard. Then I will give suggestions how to understand men better, what she can do differently, which is I give you all my solutions on these shows. But what women really need most on a daily basis, on a regular thing, is how to get a man's, how to feel safe in the presence of a man.

So this question here is, "What does it mean when you say men need love from their wives more the other way around?" Well, thanks for bringing me back to that. And you guys are great and that you bring me back to these ideas that I get interrupted with because I'm trying to answer all your questions and I'm also trying to teach a very profound message. So, we're working at it. And so, what happens for little boys is, and for girls, for men, let's look at men first and women. We have these mirror neurons in our brain. And after puberty, men's mirror neurons just shut down. And the only time that his mirror neurons really open up fully is when he's making love with us, with his partner. That's it. Sex opens his mirror neurons. That's when he starts to feel. That's why sex is so important to men because sex or sexual attraction, sexual interest awakens him to his ability to feel. Why is that? Because it's when his testosterone's, when he's feeling aroused and interested, physically attracted to a woman, his testosterone's going up and his estrogen's going up in a positive way. See, this is its balancing. And when it balances like that, his mirror neurons open up and he has the experience of, certainly there's some degree of empathy, but more so he has more compassion. Something that women particularly just have empathy for each other. It's not that they're going to devote themselves to the other person and sacrifice their life for them. You good friend, see you later. But men will actually devote themselves, commit, but it has to be awakening this part of the brain, which is again why men commit and when they commit is when they feel needed by a woman and they're not being blamed. So that's he not being blamed, as he feels confident that I can help her and she's trusting me to help her. And so that is a key factor. And even if there's things that she needs that I can't provide, what I can do is stay in my own lane. Okay? Let's say your partner is sick. Or let's say that she's trying to make well, we'll just stick with sickness. I'm not a medical doctor. That's not my lane. My lane is relationships. And so if she has sickness and she's looking to me for a solution, if she's looking for help, look, I don't know what to do. What should I do? My answer is always going to be go to another lane. It's not on me. I can't have the answers. That's not my expertise. And say, well, I can hear you. I want to hear what you have to say. And you can talk to, here's some potential doctors. I looked this up to see you could talk to this person or this person, maybe send an article or something, but I really don't know. You don't have to all have all the answers. But what you do have to know as a man to have confidence is that simply by in a sense doing nothing, I can make her happy. [laughter] I mean, this is like the supreme zen state for men. Uh, if you look at me right now, I'm doing nothing and I'm happy and I'm successful and I'm helping. I'm literally, this is the ultimate zen is that there's a part of me, see, I don't prepare for my talks or anything. [laughter] I just come up with a title and it just takes off. Even if there's no question answers, it's literally I'm doing nothing but doing. At the same time, that is a zen state. That's the witness state where you're witnessing the source, the creativity come through you as any artist will do when they're inspired. So when they're inspired, it's the testosterone estrogen are rising together.

So, why do men need love more than women? Is that women, first of all, we understand we're all genetic beings. We're genes that have mixes of qualities. My, a woman's genes has masculine genes, feminine genes. She's got the whole picture. Okay? She's born with all the genes. Males are born with all the genes that women have. So where there's no differentiation between a boy and a girl for the first four weeks in the womb. Then the Y chromosome, which males have and females don't, in that balance, that men have the Y chromosome. And what the Y chromosome does, we'll get to that question in a moment. When the, what the Y chromosome does is again, I'm distracted by the question up there. What the Y chromosome does is it releases in males 23 genes that women don't have. And these 23 genes that women don't have override all a lot of his female genes. They override them so that he has the potential to express that female quality, which would be joy, happiness, love, empathy, caring, sharing, relationship, beauty, nurturing, nature, connection, awe, all these and ecstasy. All these are female qualities inside of women, and they have all the male qualities. Men have the male qualities that have to be supported by an environment that wakes them up. His female qualities are not there, but they can be awakened through a woman's love. So when I'm connecting with my wife, particularly when I'm turned on to her and we're having sex, just think about the image of I'm actually inside of her. I'm connecting with my female side through her because I'm limited from birth. Okay? In my ability to access my female side. The only way I can access it is in this dysfunctional way, which is to negate my male side, and then the opposite of male starts coming out of me. The opposite of male, which would be, see, if my masculinity has confidence, that's quality of testosterone. Absence of testosterone is I'm afraid. I'm emotional. You see, and that's a female quality, but it's not a healthy version of the female quality. Anytime a man has negative emotions, he's producing stress hormones. Stress hormones literally means you're out of balance. Your brain functions differently. You can't connect with feelings of love, and you can't connect with confidence. Actually, cortisol, the more insecure you are, the less confident you are. That's what causes cortisol to rise. What you have is you have adrenaline, which will temporarily give you to a certain extent the illusion of confidence. I can handle this. I can do it until proven wrong. So then when you're proven wrong, that I thought I could make her happy, but I can't make her happy. I'm doing everything I know to make her happy. I'm using my logic and so forth, and it's not making her happy. Then he loses confidence. And as soon as he loses confidence, his testosterone levels go down. His masculinity goes down. His female side comes up, but it's the dark side of him. Okay? It's not loving. It's not loving. All negative emotions in men is when your male side is weak. You go to your female emotional side. Instead of feeling love, you feel the opposite. So his testosterone levels go up with adrenaline. When what he's trying to do is help you, make you happy. He's thinking, "I'm making you happy. I'm doing everything right." And then when he gets the message that I'm not enough, that's all I get. All you need to give a message. A man's not enough. You need to change him. You offer advice to him. You get upset with him. You complain to him. You nag him. And everything you say is true, but the effect it has on him is going to be, he loses his confidence. His adrenaline will turn into cortisol. Now he's in fight or flight. The reason my wife can't stay upset with me is because I don't go into fight or flight when I'm with her. I make her feel safe. If I'm, see, if she, anytime a woman is unhappy, get this. Anytime you're unhappy, anytime you have negative emotions, you're in cortisol or adrenaline. But you feel danger. Okay? You feel danger. And when a man is not feeling danger, when I'm cool, calm, and collected, what happens is you resonate with me. You become cool, calm, and collected. So, it's like your when your brain gets the message, nobody's running around to solve the problem. We don't have to do anything about it, but I'm sitting here just sitting here listening like everything's fine while you're upset and I'm really being with you. What occurs, and if I start to the degree I can feel compassion for you, will calm down and your estrogen levels will restore because you're now feeling safe and you're depending on my presence to feel safe. That will raise your estrogen to the highest level. Ironically, just feeling safe in your life, you're alone and you're safe in your house, that doesn't raise estrogen. It's when you're faced with danger. This is paradoxical. It's mind-blowing. It's an amazing concept, which is to actually feel safe. There has to be danger present, and then something is helping you feel safe, and you need to feel it. Now, if you're just in your own little castle and you never go out, whatever, in the beginning, there was danger. So now you're staying inside to feel safe. But then you habituate to that. No dopamine gets produced. Estrogen levels don't go up. You're just going to experience a kind of a flatness in life, an emptiness in life.

So coming back to the question, I want to answer this is, so for men, their mirror neurons when they open, it's only when my mirror neurons open that I can feel your love and it comes into me. And the only places where a man's mirror neurons will fully open is when he feels needed and not blamed. He feels needed and trusted. He feels needed and you ask for help. And even when you know, a big part of my message is learn how to share feelings with a man, you do it in a way that doesn't blame him by talking about other things that are bothering you and practicing the Venus talk, which I explain in this book here. And isn't that cool? We've got a little code there you can put on your camera and you can take that and you can order what a promo code. You can use the promo code. It's QR code, the QR code, and you can get the book right away. So just let you know that. And thank you for all of you that listen to me regularly. I know you've already bought the book and I'm so pleased about that and I'm still looking forward to your comments, your best ideas that came from the book. Maybe a line from the book or whatever. This will help other people to be inspired to read the book because I cannot even come close to expressing all the clarity and the ideas that are in that book. But what you get is at least the frequency of me. But when you read the book, you'll get, you'll know it's me because it's all me writing that book. Okay.

So, Gigi, I don't understand what you mean by a man feels love during sex. Can you explain that more? Yes. Well, this is the whole idea I'm getting to. It's only when a man's testosterone and estrogen levels start to rise together, and that happens when he feels needed and not blamed. And needed means you're vulnerable. When is a woman most vulnerable? When she's naked, generally speaking, unless she's an OnlyFans girl. You're feeling vulnerable. When you're opening up to somebody and you're naked. See, this is vulnerability. The people, all my friends ask why did you pick the wife you have now? One of the major qualities that she has is she's totally vulnerable. She's like transparent, you know, she tells me anything, whatever. And she didn't in the beginning, but she did very quickly because she's so vulnerable that I, a normal most guys could easily shut her down because she'll have strong emotions that come up. And my saying for her is, she's like a wild horse, and I know how to ride it. I'm from Texas, originally. I have that side of me. I just have presence. I ask questions. I understand. In my mind, I know this is not going on forever. I know I have the power to help calm her, but without talking. And this gives women safety. Now, so I just want to talk about what safety does in a minute, but I want to try to stay on track with that great question. So, at puberty, when boys, when their testosterone increases 10 to 20 times, that's when they stop being able to receive love, to let the love in, unless they're solving problems that's helping people, and that will let it in somewhat. But when you start having a girlfriend who you're sexually attracted to and she's being nice to you, not necessarily having sex with you, but being nice with you, he can start letting in that love. And this is when you can fully let love in and transform your wiring when you're growing up. It's usually in your late 20s. If you're in a romantic sexual relationship, that's when a man can really open his mirror neurons up and receive her love. Otherwise, men don't feel their emotional needs. All they feel is the sort of desire for sex as opposed to why am I wanting sex? Well, as you mature,

you finally discover that sex allows you to feel. And when you can feel, you can feel your love for her, and you can feel her love for you. That's when you can let it in. And when this is why what's called making love is when my mirror neurons open and allows me to feel my love for her, my caring for her, my uh empathy for her, my joy for her, you know, to make her happy. When I'm feeling my feelings, then my mirror neurons are open. If she's feeling love for me, then her love comes in and then I feel more loved. And when I feel more loved, I give more love. And when I give more love, her mirror neurons are always open in a in a vulnerable situation. And so she receives more love from me. And when she receives more love from me, she can trust me more, accept me more, and give more love back. And now I'm receiving more love back. And this is why it's called making love. There's just it's a very powerful thing. Now it can also Yeah. Yeah. Uh Ken wants to pop on here, my producer.

>> Hey, I I just real fast I wanted to address this comment. Jules says that she has the original copy. I don't think people everybody watching understands that this is a brand new book. It's not the original book. So, I was hoping maybe you could just touch on that really fast so people will know that that this is actually real new content from you. It's not the original book. I just wanted to address that really fast.

>> Oh, well, good good point, Ken. Thank you so much.

>> Sorry.

>> Yeah, you know, I wrote Men from Mars 35 years ago. [laughter] The world has changed so much. And since that time, I I added books to it. But I've got why Mars and Venus collide which is where I first started doing the u hormone differences. I wrote the Mars Venus diet and exercise solution uh which is forget about diet and exercise look at love but it's uh it talks about how brain how brains are different dopamine and serotonin focuses and lowering stress. Then I went to hormones which is why Mars and Venus collide. And then I went to beyond Mars and Venus which is uh really understanding how we've we're all tending to go into role reversal in our lives. And that was you know eight years ago or more. And uh so this is the new updated version. You know I haven't written a book in eight years after Bonnie died. I had go through go through the grieving process and the whole thing and coming back to you know being able to be 100% present for the world but even more so than I've ever been. And these are continuing the counsel. And the thing that I've learned is that men don't need to come in for counseling with the women. I mean, sometimes they do, but it's very rare. What happens is the woman uh comes in and she by learning these ideas can bring out the best in her partner. She has the power. Women, you have the power. Now, men, if you read the book, you'll you'll shortcut that for sure. I mean, because it's so logical, but it's all new. And the the theme of this book is really understanding the biology and the basics of all these talks I'm giving and the techniques that I can't go into great deal each time I do one of these shows, but the techniques of the feeling letter technique, the the five minute ask technique, little things make a difference technique, all these different techniques in this basic book for women only, how she can present it to her partner so that he'll do it as opposed to just complaining he's not doing it. You know, you have to have to understand male psychology. You're asking him to become a completely different creature than ever existed before. In the past, men just needed to make money, come home, and and and uh be the policeman in the house. That was it. And and practice not being angry. That was another big thing. But there was nothing for him to be angry about because women didn't demand more than that. Men only get angry when women are demanding more than what he's providing. It's it's always the message from women that knocks down that confidence that makes him want to commit to you and to stay committed to you is whenever you give men the message he's not enough. It's just love me for who I am. Love me for who I am. And then women will go right into [laughter] but but I need you to change. I need you to change. And the good news is that we're all grow we're all organisms of beings are wanting to grow and change. We just do it differently than women. Okay? We do it differently. We do it in response. We're designed to change in response of necessity. Necessity is the mother of invention. If you don't need more, we stay the same. And we also regress because we also need to be watered like the like the like the flowers in the garden. You know, you want you have to water it. You have to take care of it. And this is women's role. Women are the nurturers. You you give birth to babies. You're the love beings. You nurture. And so, how do you nurture a man? Now, you used to do it by by not complaining, by appreciating, by enjoying sex with him. These are all things that nurture his spirit, but those things nurture your spirit as well. Sex is not a one-way street. And if it is, it doesn't work for either. It's got to be something she enjoys ideally as much or more than him, at least equal, if not more. This is it's your it's your it's you know what I outline again and again and again is how men need messages. I simplify it down because if I just say you have to love a man. Well, women think they're loving a man all the time. You're giving advice to men. You're worrying about him. You're doing things for him. You're offering this support for him. Your mind is consumed with what else can I do to change him to make him better? He should exercise more. He should take care of himself. Quit all that. Get out of his space. Get out of the space. Let him be him. And now be in your space. What do you need? Don't ask him to change. Ask him to do something for you. And then then he he emerges. He becomes self-aware. He becomes aware of the feelings inside of him that can regulate him. Otherwise, he's disconnected from his positive feelings. Now, certainly men with low testosterone have a lot of negative feelings. But it's you want him to have his positive feelings and his positive feelings occur when his mirror neurons open. So this is why men need women. We need women to open our mirror neurons. Now you know I then when our mirror neurons are open then feminine love we can connect with the female side of us without sacrificing the male side of us. I can go to my female side. So here's an example. Female side says I want somebody to take care of me and do things for me. That's your female power, women. Your power is to not do everything, but to get other people to do stuff for you. See, I don't walk around ever thinking, "Oh my gosh, you know, I have to I have to write every chapter of this book myself. I have to do it all myself. You know, I have to do all this stuff myself." No, I don't whine about that. I'm not proud of that. Look at all I do myself. And when there's too much to do as a man, because I'm on my male side, I have a mechanism that's easy to apply, which is I can temporarily let it go. I can just let it go. Don't worry about it. Forget it. Nothing you can do about it now. Nothing you can do about it. So, forget it. If there's nothing I can do about something and I can't forget it and I keep thinking about it and thinking about it, I will feel powerless. And when I feel powerless and [clears throat] I keep thinking about solving a problem that I can't solve and I feel powerless, my testosterone goes down. So what men have [clears throat] what men have excuse me for that what men have is this mechanism the cave time forget it let it go it's not a big deal minimize it if I can't solve it then what what can you do got to accept it women are in the other world and those are all women have that in them that's their male side but they have this female side that they have to nurture first otherwise their stress levels don't go down you have to let yourself feel the emotions that emerge when you're not feeling safe. When you're in a stressed state, these negative emotions come up and either even adrenaline causes negative emotions to come up, but cortisol causes even bigger negative emotions to come up until they all get repressed. And that's the that's chronic stress where you can't connect with your your emotions. You can't even feel them. You're just numb. And and of course long before that happens, you have compensating factors where overeing, overco complaining, uh overdoing this can can all give you temporary bursts of estrogen to comfort you, but they're all bad habits. What you want as far as complaining goes is, again, this is a subtlety. If you're talking about problems to somebody and you're not expecting them to say anything or do anything to solve those problems, then you're just sharing. Complaining is where you're sharing negativity and you want somebody to change as a result of it. Then you're solving the problem instead of just going to your female side that says, "I just need to feel what I'm feeling and feel heard. I need understanding. I need empathy. I don't need solutions." And a lot of women know that, but men don't know that. So you need to tell him, I just need to talk about these feelings. It's not about you. You don't have to do anything about it. You don't have to solve it. So this is why men need women more than women need men. And some men need women even more. Okay? Because when they were growing up, their mothers weren't happy. So this is where your self-esteem develops is when you're developing as a little child. That's when a boy and a little girl's mirror neurons are just wide open. And so you're receiving the messages. Are you good enough? Are you not good enough? Are you good enough? And I'm not good enough. And the thing for little boys, it's not just am I good enough? Is dad good enough? So when mom's feeling dad's not good enough and she has to do it all herself, the message the boys he's impotent. He's not good enough. And so he will tend he'll have a tendency to not make a commitment with a woman. Okay? So his past is going to affect him and that he's going to start doubting that it can last. And you know, now we see the divorce figures and everything. It adds to the whole idea of really can this last and then when you start seeing all the laws of what lawyers do and so forth. Um it can be really ugly. It's a really awful thing divorce and settlements and all that stuff. So why not just avoid all that? Let's just live together as long as we live together. But then you don't have the commitment. And the commitment is so so important. uh because as I've talked in other talks and I also mentioned in this book more the science of it when you're in a committed relationship and you have sex you make different hormones. This is proven. If you do porn or you have a casual relationship and you don't have that commitment, what happens is your your your body does not make an abundance of a hormone called prolactin. And prolactin is a bonding hormone. If it's with somebody else, you have oxytocin. Oxytocin is attachment. Attachment is happens. If a woman has an orgasm with a guy or sex with a guy, she becomes very attached to him. And if she's very attached to him, her brain is saying, "Now I can get what I need from him." But if he hasn't made a commitment, you can't get what logically speaking, you can't get what you need from him. Because what you need is the solidity of commitment. Because when it comes to sex, always the body's aware that you want to have sex with somebody who is committed to you, who can then provide for you when you're in a vulnerable state of having a baby. And and so this is why the whole institution of marriage was there is that you don't want to just go have sex with anybody women. Uh because your body thinks you're going to potentially could be making a baby. You're having sex. The sex hormones are there. You're you're you you attach so much to that person and this is the person I need in my life and your brain becomes confused. Your brain thinks I need him but he hasn't made a commitment. You should not let yourself fully need somebody depend on them if they haven't committed to you. Uh so they that that answers the question and I explore it much greater detail with much more examples and so forth of why men need women. And I write about that in this book be happy with or without a man because women need to understand their power. Okay? It's it's that you've lost your power as soon as you as soon as feminism came in and women started playing like men and having free sex which they backed up on a bit. But we're going to just let our male side take over and be these women who are easy around sex and so forth. easy around sex. You just lost your power. Now there's all this pressure on you to have sex. It used to be the culture would protect you. And the culture would say, uh, men, you don't get sex until you got a job, until you make a commitment, until you're not fooling around with other girls. You're with that girl and and she's the one for you. And so you would be able to have sex if you got married. If you think about that. Now, I'm not in that camp. I'm just saying how how society did it. I'm telling you, women don't have sex unless at least that unless you you are having a commitment from a guy. He's not going to be doing porn. He's not going to be any of these other things. And that's the easiest place to to make that boundary because uh when you set that boundary, men respect you. If you don't set the boundary, they respect themselves. Oh, this is what I want. Now, you're trying to negotiate when certain things are not not negotiable. And again, we get into that subject. Well, you're dating a guy and guys have all this pressure on them. Just like a women have pressure to be easy around sex. Men have pressure to score. It looks like everybody else is getting it even though that's not the case. There's only 10% of the males who are over six feet tall have a have have a house or have a certain level of money or pretend to they're getting it. And other guys are not getting it. And those guys in the 10% bracket there and then the 1%'s for sure, but you've got the 90% of the women are all like dating these guys up there. He's not going to make a commitment to you. He's got all these women saying yes to him. It's easy. It's easy. So, he doesn't respect women either because women aren't respecting themselves, respecting their power. Your power is he has to do stuff for you before you get close to him. And that is coming back to why and when men make a commitment is first of all he has to feel within himself that he has the power to make a woman happy. Then he needs messages from the woman that says he can make her happy and not that she's just happy is that she can be happy and he can make her happier. And at times when she's not happy, she can use him in a in a effective way to lower her stress and become happy again without having to change him. And the women say, "But how do I get in the change? He forgets this. He doesn't do this. He forgot to do that. He hasn't done that. He did this thing the other day." All these complaints. I can't hold him in my head. I'm sorry. I was just counseling a guy the other day and he could he could because it was fresh in his mind. you know, his wife just b and what are you going to do about it? [laughter] Never approach a man wanting him to change or do something different when you're not feeling happy, when you're not giving the message that I have enough. I have enough. So, we have as women live in a world today of not enough. And it starts with not enough time. So, it's your job. It's your job to create. You know, you're not a child. You don't have parents. You have to be your own parent. You have to create your life. So you have enough time and you have to just be realistic. Okay, I overshoot myself. I take on too much. I don't ask for help. I try to do everything myself and then I end up taking on too much and I don't have time for me. So if you have that situation, we got a course for you at marsvenenus.com. We have a six-week course which is called how to get your me time. How to balance time for you, time for others, and time for your male side. Okay. So, you need you need bonding with other women to produce progesterone, which is very important, particularly five days before your period. You need to be making a lot of progesterone, which is feeling safe uh to do what you like to do and having time to do it. Otherwise, you're just super stressed. And then you've got time to produce testosterone. And when you make testosterone, how to then balance it by coming back to your female side, which is we call me time. And it doesn't mean you're just being alone. For women who are introverts, me time is doing things alone and in your own space. For extroverted women, it's it's more about me time, which is I'm doing the things that I really like to do. And and then you have we time. That's it. Me time, you time. We time. We time is where you're going to produce your estrogen and where you're going to get to the higher levels of estrogen. And that's particularly five days before ovulation. because that's when estrogen levels need to rise and double. So, at that time, your brain's going to be thinking, how do I what do I need? What do I need? So to fulfill my my needs to have a baby, even if you're not going to have a baby, but your body's the estrogen doubles when you have what you need to have make a baby, which is a man, uh support in your life, um money, food, um safety, all these things are all sort of practical things. Your brain goes to what do I have? You just focus more on what do I have? And if you don't have a man in your life, it's not like you have to have a man. It's just being grateful and appreciative and creating situations where you can depend on other people and and so the way that works and uh is there's so many men around you, you know, you can hire men workers if you're single and even if you're married, you can still hire men workers. Um I mean, I'm just so grateful for Jose. He he actually he just retired, but he was here up until the day Bonnie died and a few years after. He was the outside husband. You know, we have this property and he would take care of the property and anything she needed because she's a gardener and she would get his help and it just wasn't romantic. It was she had a man doing stuff for her and she could say, "Okay, do this, do this, and what do you think we should do here?" He had expertise she could depend on. She could give orders, she could ask. And they had a great relationship and he came twice a week. It was wonderful. And uh I didn't have to do that. Happy for that. And you know, I'm the house husband. you know, I'm the romantic partner, I'm the provider, so she can hire him. So, I took credit for, you know, Jose as well. But the dynamic, if you're a single woman, there's there's handywork guys. There's there's men in the workplace and you can ask them for help. You got a job. Would you do this for me? Would you help me with this? Men bow down to you when you humble yourself to need a man's help. This is what women don't understand. and they're afraid that if I need help, I'll be seen as weak and not valuable and not important. And that's your male side. You know, you know, I was reading a book a long time ago. I don't know how relevant is now, but I know that the point is there. Imagine you're the big shot male doctor in surgery and you've got all these assistants around and you would say to one of your assistants, "Well, I'm seeing this. What do you think we should do?" And you actually need the help. Everybody, your status would crash. Okay. Oh, the assistant needs more than you. Okay. So, so the the male side of us, which is a problem of ego and men, which is they don't ask for help either. And so the the the highest level of masculinity feels so secure in yourself that you can ask for help. U but there is a place where you develop your masculinity by developing what you can do on your own because when you do something on your own, you're making testosterone. And if you do need help, you're taking responsibility to get that help on your own. So that makes testosterone as well. It's just this weakness that is associated with in our culture of needing help. And for women who need help, they're the ones that get men running around for you. U then there's so you got men in your life. You also have a lot of you have sons. You know, ask your sons for help. You know, my mother never asked for me for help. I wish I wish I could go back in time and give her this talk. Mom, I want you to ask me for help. You know, when I started making money, I wanted to redo her kitchen. She said, "No, no, it's it's fine. and I like it the way it is. And I wanted to buy her a new car. I said, "No, no, no. I'm fine with my old car." And and then she finally called me and said, "Oh, John, I bought a I bought a new car." I said, "What'd you get?" It was a used a used Lexus. Okay. But that's fine. She's a humble woman. I'm grateful for that because I'm not I'm not growing up with a woman always feeling not enough, have to have more. It's never enough. No, I I grew with a I got that message as a child. There was enough and I was enough because my mother felt my father was enough. I never saw her argue or complain or whatever. It was I I didn't know that people had these problems. That's why I became a therapist at one point. I just where does all this come from? And so I'm kind of studying human beings. And then and then I got married and realized I had those problems too. Okay. [laughter] So and my wife as well. So it was very helpful to be a counselor. Hearing other people's problems where they're not blaming me allowed me to both feel compassion and also have the wisdom to see it objectively rather than have to defend myself. So there was a the last question that had come up. I I want to be able to do that. And uh there's a there's a thing that happens when you have prolactin and you're in a committed relationship. The prolactin allows you to bond with your partner rather than attached to your partner. You know there's a whole thing in all spirituality is learned to not be attached to the outcome of your desires. Well, when you have prolactin, you more free from that attachment that things have to be a certain way. That demanding urgent nature uh becomes much much less in a committed relationship due to prolactin. Now this prolactin and there are diseases where your body automatically just makes too much prolactin and it doesn't have beneficial effects u but it's when prolactin gets produced as a result of physical intimacy with somebody you're in a committed relationship with then what happens is [sighs] you get free from one of the one of the seven evil demons one of the seven demons in this world and one of them is lust. Uh and you know there's a difference between lust having to have having to have new and different having to spread your seed [laughter] as opposed to desire for your partner uh without demand and physical attraction. Prolactin frees you from lust. Lust is a form of more primitive word that we don't use a lot but it's addiction. And anytime you take an addiction and you tend to have more of it, which is why you have to willfully choose not to have that. And when it comes to pornography, it's addicted the male planet. It's just weakened masculinity more than anything is pornography. Um, and I mean online prostitution. Basically, Only Fans is prostitution. Uh, these people, the Supreme Court made it legal. It wasn't legal before and they made it legal before there was such a thing as internet where you could see people having sex and pretend to have sex and whatever. It's just damaging the female because her body still will make oxytocin and therefore she attaches herself and it's so painful to actually feel the feelings of being rejected by all these men because they're all going to reject her although she's making her money. They're going to reject her on an emotional level because they're not committing to her. You should only attach to somebody who's there for you and then you bond with them which creates a sense of security inside. And of course it it it destroys men's soul. this connection to soul, to spirituality, to heartfelt love because you're opening yourself up. Pleasure makes you feel more. So, you're feeling more to someone who doesn't love you. Your mirror neurons will open up. When you do porn, your mirror neurons temporarily open up. And you let in to let in and nothing comes in. It's not real. It's a lie. It's a deception. You know, this is I talk about this, but this is how governments control their people. You weaken people. You make them uh fearful by lying, by deceiving. And it's legal for governments to lie. Oh, it's it's a what what is it? They can lie. And actually, you know, there's even a law that says in marketing your political Thanks, Angela. The the the law says that in a in an election year on TV, you can lie and you're not to be uh you can't be prosecuted for that. That's legal. It's legal to lie on TV. [laughter] We live in a strange world. We live and I see the logic behind it because uh what if you're promoting yourself and somebody you're telling the truth but somebody accuses you of lying then you could go to jail for that and while you're trying to promote yourself for a political office. But the paradox of that is that if you're lying uh you you you don't get punished for that. That's why we have to have free speech. If you have free speech and people can express, I think you're lying. I think you're a fraud. I think you're you're doing this and you're not doing that allegedly. You know, [laughter] you should be able to do that. But now you can get sued for these things. People are afraid to speak their truth. They're afraid to call things what it is. And we really have to keep remembering that free speech, if people say bad things, people will say bad things back. Correct them. They will correct them. You even have Grock helping out with that or people doing that on online. So it shouldn't be some centered place which is government government people calling out the liars because the governments have always lied. I mean think about think about the war in um Iraq. They lied. It was all a big lie. There were no weapons of mass destruction. There was no danger. There's no danger. Our government does things. It's a lie. It's a deception. Once you learn how governments lie about things, it's amazing. Well, what happens that weakens us as well is that whenever you believe a lie, you then weaken your ability to know what is true. Now, the same thing happens in relationships. Is that if a woman's pretending to be happy to get a man, he he won't he won't be attracted to you. He'll lose his attraction for you. He'll lose his commitment to you. He'll start to wander. And and and the interesting thing about lying is there's something called fake it till you make it. Now, this is a good concept for men, which is if my wife says to me, "Well, do you love me?" I'm not in touch with my feelings in that moment. So, I'm going to say, "Well, definitely I love you." Now, here's a technique for sustaining being in love. One of my many techniques. It's not actually in this book, but it's in the next book that I'm editing right now, which is called Why Men Fall in Love and Stay in Love. And one of the processes in that book is very sweet process. And I'll explain it to you and then we'll finish up for today. Uh it's called the reassurance exercise. And what a couple does is one thing is they they regular hugs. Okay? Four hugs a day at a minimum that a man initiates. And then the second one, if women don't do it, this reassurance exercise, a man can initiate that as well. Although ideally women, you initiate it. Uh it work better if you initiate it. For a man, he can always say, "Well, let's do the reassurance exercise." And then she has to do it. And what that exercise is, it looks like this. She says, "Do you like me?" He says, "Yes." Because even when a man is not in touch with his feelings, he can easily access in his logical brain, left brain, "Do you like me?" and he'll say yes. And so he just says yes. And she lets that in a little bit. And if she lets it in a little bit, he'll feel it a little bit more. See, as men experience feeling in reaction to a woman's feelings, I cannot feel the positive sides of the balanced male female inside of me. I can feel negative emotions easy if I'm weak on my male side. But to feel these without the high dopamine in the beginning of a relationship. Now all she So you're going through the the routine of life men are not going to be in touch with their deep feelings of vulnerability and needing your love and adoring you and wanting to cherish you and spend his life for you. Give his life for give give his life for you. I mean this is just men are heroes inside. They have wake that part up. Women do that. So you start you're at a you know he's just in his head. So you just say, "Do you like me?" "Yes." And he has to say these words. It's a routine. You can't deviate from it. Otherwise, she doesn't feel safe to do it. There's always some truth to that. Even if he's mad at you, but you would time, you take a time when after a hug, a 8-second hugs, first you're grounded in your body, and then she could say, "Let's do reassurance." And he says, "Yes." Or he can say, "Let's do reassurance." And she says, "Yes." And then she does it. But she has to be the one to take the risk. She has to say, "Do you like me?" Then he says, "Yes." "Do you love me?" And he says,"Yes." And he's already starting to feel it a little bit more. Get in touch with his feelings a little bit more. It's there. He just has to get in touch with it. And women sometimes, why doesn't he feel it all the time? Women, come on. You're telling me all the time when he does this, I need him to do this and this and this for me to feel loved. Okay? So, when you feel loved, you automatically your love is a healthy love, which is when you feel loved and you react with love, that's healthy love. Loving someone to get them to give to you is is conditional love to the nth degree. It's not real love. It's it's it's control and manipulation. And women can't tell the difference. It feels the same. Just like I can eat ice cream. It feels the same as when I'm making love. It feels so good. I feel so good. All right. So what I what I do you like me? He says yes. Do you love me? He said and there's a guarantee. He's not going to say well of course. Of course. Just what is is negating the process like you should know. Oh, it's a judgmental statement or I don't He can't make jokes at that time. This is vulnerability. She's putting it out there. Do you like me? And and once you set up the reassurance exercise, you explain to him, I know you like me. I know you love me, but I like to hear it. I like to feel it. I like to feel you saying the words. So, and I'm not questioning whether you love me. So, you set up this boundary where he doesn't get defensive. Normally, if a woman says, "Well, do you love me?" He's going to get defensive. Why? How can I feel love when I'm being attacked and mistrusted? So, here you're starting out. I trust you, but this is an exercise that allows me to go deep in my feelings of insecurity that need reassurance. And every woman has it just as every man has it, but in a different way. I have insecurity about am I successful? That's why I want you to write little notes to me and tell me I did a good job, which people do, you know, whenever I'm feeling stressed, what I'll do. Thanks, Lisa, for joining. I I I'll go and I'll look at my TED talk. I don't watch it, but sometimes I do, but I'll look at all the comments where people are saying, "Wonderful, brilliant, so helpful. Everybody should hear this thing. It's fantastic. Millions of people have watched it. Love it." You know, changed my life. The best talk I've ever heard. There's so much more beyond that little 20 minute talk. But even that can change lives. It's amazing. So that's how I get my reassurance. I need messages from the outer world that I did something and it was successful in making a difference that I have significance to someone. And when I'm in love, I want to have mo most important is significance to my partner. That raises a man's testosterone the highest. And for a woman, she needs to feel he does something significant for her. Now because women are more independent then a man supporting her is not as significant as it would be if he wouldn't be. So if he had something significant to provide but when to to the extent that you can provide for yourself his giving to you is less significant. But what is significant is the recognition that you're stressed you're on your male side. You need help to come back to your female side. And these techniques will help you to do it. And what allows you to come back to a deep romantic side of you and for him to come back to his romantic side to various degrees. It just happens in a minute. Do you like me? Do you love me? How much do you love me? And then he always says with all my heart. And if he can say something better than that, he can say that. But that's good enough. He has a script. He doesn't fail. Whatever he says, it's good enough. Do you like me? Yes. Do you love me? Yes. How much do you love me with all my heart? If you're married, are you happy to be married to me? He says, "I'm so happy to be married to you." And then you say, "And do you think I'm beautiful?" That's when his heart opens. You just did a little foreplay. Just like for women, they can't just jump right into sex. They need to some stimulation, foreplay. Men just can't go right into their feelings like that and feel their romantic feelings. It takes a little foreplay. It only takes a minute. We're so easy as men. And for you, it you will go into that place so quickly. Now that's increased vulnerability and then you can play with it and so you play with it and yesterday were you happy to bring me those flowers or yesterday were you happy to go to the store and get that for me or yesterday were you glad that I did this and something you know you're getting reassurance but you created a context where he's in touch with his feelings to hear reassurance. My wife always says and are you happy to work hard and make money for us and I said yes I'm so happy to work hard and make money. It's [laughter] and she loves it. So, and because you know when you're such a good provider, sometimes a wife might feel like, you know, I'm I'm so lucky to have you. I feel a little guilty. I'm not doing anything. And she doesn't understand. She's doing everything I need as a man, which is to have somebody I can open my mirror neurons to who can love me, who doesn't want to change me, who's not trying to who's not giving the message of not enough. Now having said that, I don't want to create this perfection idea. It's not like she doesn't get upset with me or bothered by me, whatever. She asks, though, she'll ask for help and she does a lot of little things and that with that that's the five finger ask where every day you ask for something that takes less than five minutes that you could do for yourself. And in that situation, he jumps, he does it, his testosterone goes up, her estrogen goes up, all is good. But what that does is every time you do something little, it increases her estrogen. It's building up the love bank. It's she's constantly getting this message he's available to me. He's constantly getting the message that I don't have to do a lot more and I can make my wife happy. This is a paradoxical thing because men are always already doing everything they can to make you happy. So when you go unhappy, I can't do anything more. I can't do anything more. Because in his mind, he's thinking big things to make you happy. I'm already making as much money as I can. I can't go on vacation every week. You know, I got to go to work. I can't do it. He doesn't know that when you're unhappy, his confidence will stay there. If he learns through you asking and letting him experience that doing little things, simple things, it will build up her love bank and that she's going to be happy with him. But she also has things that make her unhappy. Life is not a happy place. Real, there's suffering in this world and it's difficult having a life in this busy world today. You're overwhelmed. You're stressed. It happens. You don't have to be all shining happy. You just have to go to him and not blame him for it and just say, "I want to talk 10 minutes. That's the Venus talk. Share my emotions, feelings about what's going on that's not positive." And then come back to being I feel better now. That's all he needs to hear. I feel better now. Feel good. Thank you so much for listening. And give him a hug. All the little guidance. There's all these little subtleties in this technique. You have to also have to You don't have to say anything. Yeah. And also, you don't even ask to talk. You just put up two hands. And that already means it's not about him. But you could always say at difficult conversations. This is not about you. I'm working through my feelings right now. Now, I did promise to end this. So, it's a that's a good ending with that, but I'm going to go on and for those that are going to hang out here with me a little bit longer. What happens that where men lose their confidence as well and where they can gain confidence to stay committed to you and to be committed to you is at those times where you're overreacting, at times where you're experiencing cortisol. You see, this term overreacting is real. Nobody wants to admit it or anything, but it's that when you're in a stressed state, your brain functions differently. You make things more important than they are. And when your stress level goes down, then they're not so important. They're not so significant to keep you from feeling love and happiness and joy. Okay? So, that's one thing. That's overreacting. Then you have a thing called being triggered. Now, triggered is such a key phrase and now it's starting to be completely misunderstood by some of the younger generation. But let's look at what triggered is. Triggered is you did something to upset me. And it also maybe it would be a 10% upset like you looked at me the wrong way or you were in your cave and you didn't listen to me or you forgot to call for dinner and you're late and I had to like try to worry about you. Okay, so you're having a stress response but it's not a big deal. But for you that day, for whatever reason, it's a big deal and you get really upset about that's called trigger. That means you're getting more upset about something than the situation actually warrants. And in that situation, I have a simple principle. It's called the 9010 principle. The 9010 principle is when you're triggered, 90% of what's bothering you is not about what's happening. Now, you might want to go watch my video on you're never upset for the reason you think. But whenever you're in a stressed state, you're never in present time. Okay? You're not in present time. And actually, your life could be wonderful and you could be in a stressed state just because as a woman, your testosterone is higher than it should be and your estrogen is lower. Your brain interprets that to mean you're in danger, but you're not in danger. So, this is called being triggered. And men get triggered, too. You suddenly just she looks at you the wrong way. She says something and you just want to fight a battle. I mean, you just get so upset about it. This is called being triggered. Now, when you're triggered, we have to become aware. Don't speak to your partner when you're triggered, man or woman. There's not, you can't talk. You can't talk to them. Second, when your partner is triggered, whatever they say, it's not really who they are. You have to know this. People often say, "Oh, my partner got so upset and now I know their real colors." No, you don't know their real colors. You don't know that's not them. They're possessed. They're triggered by their past. They're take the past has just come up and polluted the present time. So 90% of the upset is about the past. And so what you can say to your partner at times when you're upset with them and you you're not the perfect partner. That's okay. You don't have to be perfect all the time. You just say, "I just want to talk about this and it's not all about you. Okay? I'm trying to sort it out and I know I'm triggered." which means that my past is coming up into my awareness. That's what triggered mean. If you have a code word, I'm triggered. It means it's not really about you at all. But you can always say it's not all about you. Or you can say even better, this is not about you. I realize I got upset with you and it's about something that happened when I was growing up or my mother was critical and then so I was hyper sensitive to your criticism or if it's a woman saying my father ignored me and then he left. So when you're not ignore when you're ignoring me, part of me just gets triggered and it's like I'm back at that time and I can't I don't have a father and I'm going to be all alone. And so so my past comes in and that's the purpose of of counseling and therapy. It's also the purpose of my my my uh feeling letter process which I explain in this book and my book uh uh why men fall in love stay in love. I'll go more deeply. I go more deeply into how the 9010 principle works in your life because all you have to do is say to your partner, I'm really upset and it's coming out on you, but it's not really you. [laughter] It's

my past. And for people that are not familiar with that idea, it's it's become popular uh popularized as the idea of um what is it when the soldiers come back? Uh, Ken, what is it? When the soldiers come back and they're still in the war zone. Uh, see, see, I have a name for it, which is called delayed reaction response. So, I'm trying to remember the common word for it. PTSD, postatic stress disorder. Post-traumatic. So, that means after the stress, when you're feeling safe, you come back from the battle and now the trauma comes up. Why does the trauma come up? Because it wasn't safe to come up at the time. You were in danger. So, you repress when you're in danger. That's for a childhood to various degrees. You repress and then when you grow up and you feel safe and now you're having sex, you're really feeling safe. Boom. The next day stuff comes up and it's your past. And you have to be able to go, "Oh, I'm overreacting to this situation. I'm not feeling love and happiness." And anytime you're not feeling love and happiness, you are overreacting. Unless you're uh enjoying feeling what you were feeling.

I mean, I was um I was watching a videape on the horrendous evil uh pedophiles and what they're doing now. We're reading about it and the uh Epstein files and whatever. And I saw some pictures of these children, how they've been abused. And I just had to sit with just feeling so sad, just letting myself be with that tears coming down, just feeling it's compassion. It's And my wife came over and and she got close to me and touched my face. It was really sweet. And and and and I I said, "I just want, you know, I'm feeling really what can I do?" She said, I said, "You don't have to do anything, but your presence is very sweet." She says, "What are you feeling?" And I'm feeling so sad. So sad. And but I'm not suffering. See, there's a place where you can feel really sad. You're not suffering. I said, "No, because I I I'm emotionally intelligent." I ask myself, why am I feeling sad? because I care and I care about these children and I feel love and I I I so because I have love in my life I can feel love for them and and at the same time huge sadness that this has been going on for so long and another part of me knows and isn't it great that we're finding out about these evil people and that they make a lot of they make a lot of decisions that run the world this is this is the Epstein files just go online if you haven't not cool to it and then For me, I want to just sit there for a little while and feel my sadness because at the same time, I'm only feeling sad because I care about people and I and I love people and I love and I want people to be happy. So, I'm just connecting with that part of me that's compassionate and that motivates me as a man. That's the highest virtue for a man is to feel compassion. And of course, my mirror neurons were wide open because I feel needed and I'm not being blamed. I'm not the one who's doing it. And maybe I can spread a little more light and mention it in my talk today and people become more aware of it because darkness cannot persist when the light comes in. We just have to keep being aware and I know it's hard for some people to hear about that. So I'm not going to go into all details on it just a little bit.

So that's called being triggered. Now what's happening with the younger generation is they're like I need a safe zone because when you talk about those things I'm triggered and therefore I'm blaming you for my trigger rather than thank you for triggering me. But you can't say thank you for triggering me unless you know what to do with those feelings that come up. And that's the problem is we don't have the emotional intelligence to recognize that I'm overreacting. It's about my past. How do I process those feelings? How do I learn to let those feelings go without blaming my partner and seeing the bigger picture that I'm overreacting? Anytime you're negative or not loving, you're overreacting. You're not coming from your heart place. You're out of balance. And I know it's hard to admit that. Many people just can't admit it because often people will dismiss you. Oh, you're just overreacting. So, I would never say to women because women tend to do it more because women have more estrogen and so they'll tend to have more emotion but men do it as well. So, let's keep meditating the only way out is in. And not just meditation. I appreciate you saying that, Lisa. The I did nine years of I was a monk nine years. I'm a master meditator. I I just go to altered states like you can't believe. And but when I came out into the world, I had total PTSD because everything that was repressed in my childhood because now I was totally safe because the enlightenment is that everything's the way it's supposed to be. God's here. Temptation is there to make us stronger. We always have what we need. We're just looking in the wrong direction. Life is good. Everything is an opportunity to learn lessons. You know, all that stuff. That was my experience. And then I get married and this stuff comes up and I had to realize I was just being triggered all the time. But fortunately, I developed this technique because when you feel totally safe, your stuff comes up and you're faced with all these negative emotions. And and the sad thing for women today is you don't have to feel safe for your stuff to come up. You can just be more on your male side and on your female side. Your brain thinks you're in danger and that then produces cortisol and you now you get more negative emotions. And then then then you start getting in a sexual relationship and then that brings up stuff you just you know somebody said the other day when I was explaining this in the in the talk on you're never upset for the reason you think well then it's stupid to be in relationships and I go no you're just watering if you're a plant you're watering the plant you to you have to keep growing as a human being we're all here to grow in love and the way you grow in anything is to be challenged and tested. If you don't use your muscles you get no muscle. You've got to be challenged and tested for women to be more loving to grow in love. Either you grow in love or you lose love. You know this is the law of thermodynamics. If you're put not putting order into a system, it goes into chaos. You know, you have to be continue growing. And for women, the challenge is to keep growing in love. For men, the challenge is growing in compassion and being of service through action and doing. When men stop doing, their testosterone crashes. And what motivates men to do more with love is their mirror neurons have to open in the presence of a woman that's loving them. And to the extent they didn't have that love as a child, they need it even more. And the problem is needing it even more makes him needy. And and he doesn't have the instructions on how you create safety for the woman to have her needs be fulfilled. And by fulfilling her needs, your needs automatically get fulfilled. If I'm just looking only from my needs, then I start going to my female side too much and I become needy and that's a total turnoff to women.

All right. Well, we we wandering off and appreciate all of your comments and your questions today. Uh I'll see I'll be available in two days. We'll do some more conversations uh based on the new books that I'm writing. But as Ken said, this book here, this is the the latest and greatest. This was the result of a good eight years of not writing a book and helping women bring out the best in men. And men, if you read it, you'll help her help you. [laughter] And you win. It's a win-winwin. If she wins, we all win. If he wins, we all win. You can't have one person lose. And one person loses, we all lose. So women, this is to find your power to draw out the best in a man and to find happiness without a man if that's your choice. I want to thank you all for joining me today. It's been fun sharing with you why men commit, why men fall in love, and when they do it, they do it when they feel confident through experience that he can provide for what's needed to make you happy so that you don't have a need to change him. Thank you all so very much. Thanks for sharing your ideas, your insights, your questions. It helps me and helps everybody else watching. Thanks, Kaylor. You all have a great day today.

>> Thank you for watching Q&A with Dr. gray. Please share this out with all of your friends and family across all social media platforms. And be sure to tune in every Tuesday at 11:00 a.m. PST [music] and 2:00 p.m. EST.