Transcription
Well, I'm super excited this morning because we're starting a series entitled "The Secret to Forgiveness." But before I jump into this series and start talking about forgiveness, let's talk about bitterness and its ability to destroy a person's life. Because bitterness is the result of not being able to forgive. And if we're really honest with ourself, I think the majority of us would admit that we have a hard time forgiving, especially when someone hurts us or someone we love. And that puts us at risk of becoming bitter. So before we talk about forgiveness, we really need to talk about bitterness and how dangerous it really is. And not just to us, but also to those who are around us.
So turn with me, if you would, to the book of Hebrews, the 12th chapter. Let's read verse number 15. It says, "Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness should spring up and trouble you, and thereby defile many."
Now, this verse gives us great insight into the subject of bitterness. So if you don't mind, I really want to tear it apart. First of all, I want you to underline the phrase "looking diligently." That phrase is translated from one Greek word, "episcopes." Literally, it means to beware of or to be cautious of. But more importantly, it's written in the present tense, which means to continually be aware of or to be cautious of.
Now, the big question is, what are we supposed to be aware of? Well, Paul lists two things that we need to be aware of in verse number 15. First of all, we're to beware of falling short of the grace of God. You see, it's only by the grace of God that we can forgive. Some of you say, "Well, I have a really hard time forgiving. There's this person that did this to me, and I've tried to forgive them, but I can't." Well, let me be honest with you, the reason you can't is because you're falling short of the grace of God. And secondly, we're supposed to be aware of bitterness springing up inside of us.
Now, normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm going to skip the first thing that Paul tells us to be aware of. We'll come back to it next week. But this morning, we're going to skip it. What we're going to do is we're going to concentrate on the last thing that Paul tells us to be aware of, which is allowing bitterness to take root inside of us and to grow.
Now, the reason I really like this verse is because Paul not only tells us to be aware of bitterness, but he also explains why bitterness is so dangerous. So let's dig a little bit deeper and let's find out why bitterness is so dangerous. Look back at verse number 15, and I want you to underline the word "bitterness" in your Bible. Notice what it says: "Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness should spring up."
Now, the word "bitterness" is translated from the Greek word "pikria," and it literally means poison. But because of the context, it's usually translated as bitterness in the Bible. But make no mistake about it, bitterness is a poison. You see, Webster's Dictionary gives you two definitions for poison. The first one is this: "A substance, usually a drug, causing illness or death when eaten, drunk, or absorbed in relatively small quantities." Every once in a while, we'll read a news story about someone who poisoned their spouse. They put arsenic or some other type of poisoning in the food, and they killed them because they either ate or they drank that poison.
Then you have the second definition: "Anything harmful or destructive to our happiness or welfare." And as Paul is going to explain, bitterness is harmful and destructive to our happiness and well-being. And for that reason, bitterness is classified as a poison.
Now, let me show you how bitterness poisons a person. Look back with me, if you would, verse number 15, and I want you to notice that bitterness troubles a person. It says, "Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness should spring up and trouble you."
Now, the word "troubles" is translated from the Greek word "enoclao," and it means to create excessive mental and emotional turmoil. In fact, this word is used in connection to demonic spirits. Did you know that? It's true. Look with me, if you would, to the Book of Luke, chapter 6, let's read verse number 18, and I'll show you what I'm talking about. Notice what it says: "And those who had come to hear him [talking about Jesus] and to be healed of their diseases, and those who were troubled [very same Greek word] with unclean spirits, were being cured."
Do you see that? The demonic spirits were troubling them. In other words, they were creating excessive mental and emotional turmoil. Well, people, bitterness does the very same thing as demonic activity. It creates excessive mental and emotional turmoil. It literally eats us up, both mentally and emotionally. In fact, we have a phrase that we use that talks specifically about this. How many of you have ever heard a person make this comment: "That person's just eaten up with bitterness"? Well, what does that comment mean? Well, it means that that person is so consumed with bitterness, it's to the point that it's poisoned their whole life.
Does anyone ever watch the TV show "Revenge" on Sunday nights? Anyone here? It's really good. It's kind of interesting. The main character of it is Emily Thorne, and Emily Thorne is consumed with bitterness. It's poisoned her entire life. And the reason why is because there's this very rich and powerful family that framed her father. And as a result of that, her father was put into prison, and he literally was killed in prison. Someone murdered him while he was in prison. But she was taken out of the home when she was a little girl and she was put into foster care, and of course, she was abused in the foster care system. So when she grows up and becomes an adult, she wants revenge, and she's very sneaky about it. But the reason she wants revenge is because she's consumed by bitterness.
Now, it's bad enough that bitterness can consume a person, but it also defiles others, not just the person who's bitter. Look back at verse number 15, and I want you to notice the last clause, still in Hebrews chapter 12. Notice what it says: "Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness should spring up and trouble you, and thereby defiling others." Do you see that? Not only does bitterness poison an individual's life, but it also poisons everyone that comes in contact with them. And that's what Paul means by defiling others.
Now, let me give an example to illustrate how bitterness can poison other people. Imagine that you're eating at a restaurant, maybe it's Chili's here in Tahlequah. And after you finish eating, the waitress comes to your table and she lays the bill down. And as she walks away, you pull out your credit card, you open it up, you're going to put your credit card in there, and it's a good thing you looked at the bill, because the bill is for $8,500. Now, after you get over the initial shock, you explain to your waitress that there must be some type of mistake, because your bill couldn't be $85, let alone $8,500, because you're eating at Chili's. But your waitress tells you that the reason your bill is $8,500 is because she wants you to pay for everyone else who's eating at that restaurant for that day. And after she says that, she asks, "Is that okay with you?"
Now, how would you respond? Is that okay? No, that's not okay. But let me ask you a question, why is that not okay? Well, it's not okay because no one wants to have to pay for what someone else has done. Think about it, why should you have to pay for what other people have eaten? You shouldn't. Yet, that's exactly what happens when a person has bitterness in their life. They make everyone else pay the bill for what one person did to them. Yeah, they don't just make the person who did them wrong pay for what they've done, they make everyone else pay too.
Think about it, every one of us knows someone who's bitter, and what do they do? They make other people pay for what someone else did to them. And people, it's just human nature to do that. Think about this. Let's suppose that you're at work, and you get called to the boss's office, and you find out you're in trouble, and they're going to write you up. They're going to actually write a letter because you violated something at work. And really, you look at it and you think, "I didn't do that. I'm being set up." And so you get angry at the boss.
Now, when you go home, you've been studying about it all day, and you're angry. And the more you think about it, the angrier and angrier you get. So as you slam the door to your car as you're coming home, and the cat's on the porch, and you kicked the cat. You come in the front door and you slam it. The kids come up, they go, "Daddy, Daddy!" "Not now!" And your wife walks in and she says, "What's wrong with you?" Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me. And then you just kind of spew out. You see, what you're doing is you're taking your anger out on other people. You're specifically angry at your boss, but as you stood on that, now you're taking your anger out on everyone.
And people, that's kind of human nature to do that. I'll tell you a little personal story. When Micah was about three years old, it was a good lesson for me. Lisa and I kind of got into it. You need to understand something, Lisa and I never, we never yell at each other. We don't slam doors. In fact, many times our girls have made the comment, "Well, you know, growing up, we never knew you were angry at each other." It's kind of that underlying current. I know when Lisa's irritated at me, I know when she's angry, but probably no one else can tell unless they really know her. And most people don't know when I'm angry at Lisa or irritated at her unless you really know me and you go, "It's kind of cool between them."
So Lisa and I were having a discussion where we didn't agree. And Micah came up to me, and she was pulling on my pants legs. And I grabbed her by the arm, said, "Honey, Daddy is talking to your mother." Now, Lisa was already irritated. She stepped in between us and she said, "Don't you take it out on my child." And she was right. I said, "Micah, Joy, I'm sorry." Pulled my arms down, went down, said, "Daddy was just a little bit irritated, and I took it out on you, and I didn't mean to." But people, that's human nature. But that's how bitterness defiles others. It defiles other people. It makes others pay for what someone else did. And that's why no one wants to be around a bitter person. So what happens is that bitter person ends up driving everyone away, simply because they are bitter. But they can't help it. It's like a demonic force. It troubles them, it vexes them, and eventually it causes them to lash out at everyone else around them.
You know, my daughter Macy, when she went to OSU for her graduate degree, she was getting her Masters there. She joined Life Church, and they have small groups just like we do. So she joined a group that was specifically targeted to those who were in the graduate program, because once you get to that graduate program, there's a big difference between those who are 22, 23, 24, and 18-year-old freshmen. But anyways, she joined this group, and she really enjoyed it until, until two women joined the group, and they both had been recently divorced. And they joined this group, and she said, "Oh, Dad, and every meeting, all they did was bash men." So I felt so sorry for the guys in our group. But said, you know, basically, it was nothing more than a group that got together, and these two bashed men. And one day, I kind of spoke up and I said, "Wow, I know you guys were hurt, but said, every time I come, I leave depressed. And think, maybe I don't want to get married because all you say is bad things about men. I'm thinking, maybe I don't want to get married." And they said, "Well, you just don't understand." And then all of a sudden, they went off on her. She calls up and she said, "And I don't know what to do. I really don't want to go back to the group because that's all these two do." I said, "Oh, you need to understand something. They're angry, and that anger has turned into bitterness. And when people are bitter, it's like a demonic force. It troubles you. It creates excessive mental and emotional turmoil. And as a result of that, you begin to take it out on other people. And that's what they're doing. Bless their hearts, they need help."
So if you're a bitter person, how do you overcome it before you ruin your life and everyone else's around you? Before you drive them away from you? Well, the first thing that you have to do is you have to understand the source of bitterness. You see, bitterness is defined as unresolved anger which has festered. Now, personally, I don't like that definition. I'll tell you why I don't like it, because it implies that you could have unresolved anger that doesn't fester. And people, that's not true. If you have unresolved anger, it will always fester. You can't keep it from festering. It grows and it grows and it gets worse and worse until it affects your whole life. And people, that's why it's considered to be a poison. But the source of the root of the bitterness is unresolved anger. So the only way that you can stop bitterness is to get to the source of your anger and to deal with it.
Which takes me to our next point. To overcome bitterness, you need to find out what made you angry in the first place. You see, anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is not a primary emotion. It's a secondary emotion. In fact, anger is normally caused by one of three things: fear, frustration, or hurt. Now, sometimes it's a combination of those three, but the majority of the time, it's caused by just one of those three things: fear, frustration, or hurt.
For example, let's suppose that someone speaks harshly to you, and it hurts your feelings. What happens next? Well, you get angry that they hurt your feelings. Now, you might not recognize the sequence of emotions, but hurt was the primary or first emotion, and anger was the secondary emotion. In other words, the first emotional response was that it hurt my feelings, but then because it hurts you, you get angry about it. But you might not even realize that it hurts you. You think because they said something to you that was offensive, that's why you got angry. But that's not why you got angry. The reason you got angry is because they hurt you. Hurt is the primary response, emotional response. Anger is the secondary emotional response.
Now, if you're super sensitive, let me say this, you're at greater risk of being of being a bitter person. And the reason why, the more sensitive you are, the easier it is for people to hurt you. And that's why you're an angry person. That's why everyone around you, you just have this anger towards them, because everyone's hurt you. And as a result of that, you're angry. And you might not even realize that the source of your bitterness is you're oversensitive. Everyone with me?
Fear can also cause anger. I told this story before, but it's a wonderful story to illustrate what I'm talking about. Randall Miller was reading a book in his living room one day, and Josh, who was in high school at the time, comes in, says, "Dad, I'm going to scare Mom." Well, Randall's not paying attention, he just nods his head, said, "Yeah, go ahead." And he continues to read. So Josh goes into the master bedroom, and he crawls underneath the bed. And when Debbie brings the laundry in, and she sets it on the bed, he reaches out and he grabs her ankle. She feels something grab her ankle, she looks down, and there's this hand coming out from under the bed. If it's graduate, and she screams, screams, and she pulls out. And then she hears his laughter. And Josh comes out and he says, laughing. And boy, she gets angry, and she begins to let him have it. And what does he do? Well, he gives up his dad. Randall, Dad said it was okay. And boy, she goes into the living room. And Randall's thinking, when he heard that scream, what did he say to me? Oh no. But I want you to understand something, prayer of fear was the was the primary emotion when her ankle was grabbed, and she saw this hand coming in from out of the bed, it scared her. But once she found out what it was, that fear turned into anger. Now, she might not have recognized the sequence of her emotions. She's just angry that they grabbed her ankle. No, she's not angry that Josh grabbed her ankle. She's angry because Josh scared her.
Parents, you'll really be able to identify with this. How many of you have ever taken your child somewhere in public, and for a second or two, they were lost? You couldn't see them. You ever been at the store, maybe the mall, and you're shopping, and you get caught up with looking at things, and you turn around, and your child's not there? And immediately, fear grips your heart. "What if someone's taken them?" And immediately you're like, "Micah! Micah! Where are you, Micah?" And you're starting to get security, what do I do? And then they come around the corner, and immediately that fear releases. But what do you do? "Get over here right now! I'm gonna bust your little bottom!" Why are you angry? Because they scared you. Someone might have taken them. You see, fear was the primary emotion. Anger was the secondary emotion. And most of the time, we never realize the sequence of emotions that we experience. But we need to understand that anger is not the primary emotion, it's the secondary emotion.
Frustration can also cause anger. People, I hate doing honeydew jobs. I really hate doing that. Now, if you've listened to me over the years, you probably think that I can't even turn a screwdriver. People, that's not true. I can frame in a house, I can do just about anything that I want to do. My dad was really good with things, and I hated working with him because he has the same type of personality, and he'd get frustrated if things didn't work out right. But I'll do something, and it seems like things never go the way they're supposed to. And because I'm task-oriented, and I have a lot of things that I want to get done, I think this job should only take about 30 minutes, but it never fails. Something doesn't go right. Maybe the person who installed what I'm trying to fix didn't do it right, or maybe there's faulty equipment. Whatever it is, it never goes right. And so I start getting frustrated that this 15-minute job is taking two hours to do. Now, my frustrations cause me to start getting angry. And before I know it, I'm snapping at Lisa because she used to want to ask me to do this. I'm a little bit upset with the kids because they're trying to bother me right now. But I want you to understand something, anger is not the primary emotion. I'm frustrated. Some of you are frustrated at work. Maybe you do things that are stupid, maybe it's not efficient, maybe you're having to do all of the work, and you've got a co-worker that's lazy, but they're good friends with the boss. You know what I'm talking about. So the boss allows them to skate, but you got to make up the slack, and you're getting more and more frustrated. And now you're angry at work. Now, you think that anger is your primary emotional response, but it's not. It's a secondary emotional response. The reason you're angry is because you are frustrated at how things are working at the house.
Now, I've spent all of this time explaining that anger is not a primary emotion, it's a secondary emotion. But the reason I've spent so much time on it is so that you can see that the source of your bitterness is not anger. What you just said, "bitterness is unresolved anger which has festered." Yes, it's anger, but you need to understand that the source of your bitterness is not anger. It's either fear, frustration, or hurt. And of those three, the most common is hurt. Nine times out of ten, when a person gets angry, it's because they were hurt.
Now, listen to me. If you can learn to look past your anger to see what caused your anger, you'll discover the source of your bitterness, and you'll be better able to deal with it. You see, once we discover why we feel the way we do, it's much easier to deal with it and to fix the problem. Because you can't fix a problem until you know what the problem is.
I used to work for the telephone company, and every once in a while, I'd have to go on a repair job, and they would say, "Every time it rains, my phone goes out." Well, what that means is basically that the insulation has come off of your telephone cable, and as a result of that, you're getting a short. That water causes there to be a short. But as soon as it dries out, guess what? You can't find out where that short is, because the water that's actually conducting that electricity, that's allowing that to go to both sides and short it out, is not there. And so if it's not raining, we can't find the problem. I can't tell you how many times I'd go to the person, I would say, "Well, I can't fix the problem because it's dried out. It's no longer raining. There's no water. And once it dries out, I can't find, I can't fix the problem because I can't find the problem."
Well, you need to understand something, you can't fix a problem until you know what the problem is. And if you don't fix the problem, it's going to tear you up, and you're going to take it out on the people that's around you.
Now, if you're a divorced parent, look up here, especially if your spouse left you for someone else, because you need what I'm going to say. If you're not careful, you're going to hurt your children because you're mad, you're angry at your ex, and you're going to make your children pay for what your ex did to you. But if you realize what's happening and why you're angry, you can get a handle on it and you can deal with the real issue. And the real issue is your spouse hurt you. They betrayed you. They left you. They didn't live up to their vows. And now they've run off with someone else. And you're here, you've got the children, you have half the salary, things aren't going real. And here's what's bad, you're hurt, and you're angry at your spouse that your spouse isn't around. He's left. Who's around? Are your children. And they can tell that you're angry. But you're taking it out on them. In fact, many times I see this happen all the time. Your spouse, your ex, has custody of the children on the weekends. Now, because they've run off with someone else, that other person might have a job. As a result of that, they have twice the money where you have half the money. And they don't have to take care of all the problems during the week, get them up, get them to school, help them with their homework, do any of that. They just see them on weekends. So they've got all this time to do fun things with them. So your kids go to visit their aunt, your ex, and they have this great time. And when they come home, they start telling you about the fun time they had, and how they like your ex's new girlfriend or boyfriend. And that makes you mad. And your kids can pick up on it. And pretty soon they go, "Boy, Mom and Dad gets, or Mom gets mad when we come home and talk about that." And they shut up. And then they feel guilty for enjoying spending time with their father. You need to understand something, you're not angry at your kids. You're angry at your ex. But the reason you're angry with your ex is because he hurt you. And if you can deal with the hurt, you can get over it.
Now, next week, I'm going to be teaching on the necessity of forgiveness. You see, most of our hurt, fear, and frustration is caused by others. And the only way to get over what others have done to us is through forgiveness. So next week, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you the secret to forgiveness. Because it's easy to trace our bitterness back to the source. Many of you, you pay big dollars to a counselor, and they get to the source of your anger, they get to the source where which is your parents have hurt you, or your spouse has hurt you, or someone else has hurt you. And they get to that source, but you still have a hard time getting over the hurt. And the reason why is because if you want to get over the hurt, you've got to forgive.
And people, it's easy to trace our bitterness back to the source. It's easy to find out why we're bitter. As I said, nine times out of ten, it's because someone's hurt us. But forgiving the person who's hurt us, that's not so easy. And the majority of counselors aren't Christians. And if they aren't Christians, they don't know the secret to forgiveness, so they really can't help you. They showed you the source, and you know, "I shouldn't be angry at those people around me. It's not their fault. I'm just hurt at this person." But that doesn't help you to forgive. And as long as that unresolved anger is there, as long as it's festering, it's like a demonic force. It troubles you. It creates excessive mental and emotional turmoil. And you can't help it. It causes you to lash out at those around you until you become a very angry, bitter person.
But next week, I'm going to give you the secret to forgiveness. I'm going to show you how some people have had some horrible things happen to them, and yet they were able to get over it. In other words, they were able to forgive and move on and have a good life. Let me just tell you something, Jesus came to not only give us eternal life, but to give us abundant life, a better quality of life. And God's word gives us the secret to forgiveness. I know many of you are thinking, "I just can't forgive. I've tried and tried, but I can't do it." Well, if you'll come back next week, and you need to invite people, I will give you the secret to forgiveness. And when I give you the secret, you're going to go, "What? That's it?" But when I explain it to you, and I give you the process of how to do it, you're going to go, "Wow, that's good."