Transcription
I recently had the privilege to talk to a guy who's at an inflection point in his marriage. His marriage has been a pressure cooker for about 5 years. They've been to therapy and spent a ton of money, a ton of time, and finally reached a place where the therapist had some advice to give, and she rejected any changes that she was supposed to make as a part of that bargain. The marriage has been largely sexist for over 5 years. It's been completely sexless for the last year. He's been through some tough times on his own: business failure, restarting, getting back on his feet again financially. So, life has been hard. Life has been very hard. The marriage just makes everything that much worse.
To me, the writing is on the wall. There's no point in continuing this marriage. But for him, he hasn't quite come to that decision yet. So today I want to talk to you guys about the decision-making process and then how to move forward with your divorce. I think there's a lot of advantages in taking the initiative here, and I want to talk about how to do it, why to do it. So let's talk about it.
We men are very good at adapting to suffering. We suffer very well. That's our talent. We are good at suffering. What we're not good at is anticipating the suffering that will come. So like that old analogy of the frog that gets boiled in the pot, where they just turn the water, the heat up a little at a time, and eventually the frog is boiling. We prefer to sit in the pot that we know will eventually boil than to jump out and potentially land into a worse pot. We think that the suffering we know is better than the suffering that we don't know. And because of that, we will stay in that bad marriage for quite a while.
70% of divorces are initiated by women. And I think that's true because women are not so good at suffering like we men are. And they're more emotional. They're going to emote and lash out. And rather than trying to think of a rational solution, or to even think of any solution for that matter, they're much more likely to get upset, frustrated, and in an emotional flurry of activity, they'll scream out they want a divorce. Men are less likely to do that. And that's our advantage.
So, when you get to that inflection point like this guy's in, where you know this is a shithole, your relationship is over. It's not going to get any better. The woman that you married is gone. She's not coming back. She no longer loves you. She's not having sex with you. She's been to therapy, and she's not willing to take the therapist's advice as to how to save your marriage. There is no saving this. You do not need to go down with this ship. There is no honor in being the captain of the Titanic here. Get on the lifeboat. Get off. Hell, drive the lifeboat. You need to get the heck out of there.
It's critically important that you take a leadership role at this moment. And the reason I say that is that if you don't take the leadership role, she will. And trust me, you do not want to be on that lifeboat because if she's driving, you're liable to find yourself being fed to the sharks. So, let's talk about how you can initiate this process, get off this sinking ship, and restart your life.
Before you can have a conversation about divorce with your wife, you need to have a conversation with yourself about divorce; you need to have a picture in your mind of what this is going to look like afterward. You may not be able to see it clearly, but you know the kinds of things that you want for yourself. You want to have peace of mind. You want to have a calm environment where you can live and thrive and focus on those things that are important to you. There's going to be a lot of unanswered questions in your mind. And as you progress through this process, these answers will come to you. You need to have faith that this is a better option for you than staying in the hell that you know. The hell that you know is a lot worse than what you perceive as the hell that you don't know. Trust me.
Once you get out of this pressure cooker of a marriage, you're going to have the ability to think more clearly. The stress is going to be relieved. It's going to be like someone pulled a 100-pound boulder off your chest. You're going to be able to breathe again. That doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. It doesn't mean it doesn't have its own challenges. It doesn't mean you're not going to have emotions like that going on in your head. You're going to get all sentimental about the things that happened in the past. And you're going to have to deal with it. You're going to have to deal with it. But it is far easier to achieve that and to develop a sense of calmness about yourself once you're out of the pressure cooker of a bad marriage. So long as you stay in that pressure cooker, you're going to have a really tough time thinking clearly because you're always on alert; you're always in that fight-or-flight state of mind. And when you're in that state of mind, the blood is literally rushing away from your brain to your extremities so you can run or fight. And it's very hard to think clearly when you're in that state of mind.
So get a picture of what this is going to look like. You don't need to have the whole picture, just the first step. Where are you going to live? Just imagine that. Where are you going to live? I would suggest getting an apartment right now. I would not suggest investing in property or doing anything like that. Just get yourself a little place that you can call your own for now. It's temporary. Maybe a year, maybe two. It's just a place for you to hang your hat, put up your TV, have a place to have some meals and get some work done. It's going to be your transitional spot. Do not think about having some lavish location. Don't think about buying a home at this stage of the game. You may not ever want to buy another home in your life. You don't know. So, just let that whole thing go. Look around, see where the apartments are locally. If you got kids, you want to be nearby. And find yourself a nice apartment complex. Get yourself a two-bedroom so you've got room for the kids. And just start that process so you'll know when you can move in. But don't worry about 2 years from now, 3 years from now, 5 years from now. Just get this process started; have that conversation.
If you've ever jumped out of an airplane, you know there is a point at which you can no longer change your mind. When you leave that plane, you just got to have faith that that parachute's going to open and that you're going to land safely on the ground. That's what it's like when you have the divorce conversation. You need to know for sure that this is what you want to do. So, if you're not sure that this is what you want to do, then you need to have another conversation. You need to have the "Can we reconcile this marriage?" conversation.
Each of these conversations needs to be monolithic in its approach. If you're going to have the "Can we save this marriage?" conversation, then you need to be approaching this from a very empathetic, compassionate, concerned point, talking about "we" and "us" and what can we do and "I want to bring things back to the way they were," and "you know I love you and I want to live my life with you, but this isn't working for us. How can we make it work?" You need to have that conversation. If that conversation doesn't work, then you need to have conversation number two, and that is very similar to conversation number one, but you're just changing one aspect of it: "I love you. You know, you're the love of my life, but this marriage is not working for you, and it's not working for me." You have to make sure that you're not talking completely about yourself here. This is a conversation about the two of you and what's going to happen with the future of the two of you.
If you have children, you have a future with this woman. Whether you want one or not, she is going to be a part of your life. And unfortunately, you're just going to have to adapt to that concept. If you think you can eliminate her from your life completely, you're wrong. As long as you have children, there will be grandchildren, there will be graduations, there will be birthdays, there will be Christmases. All these things are going to happen, and it's very likely that you're going to run into this woman at some point in the future. So I would suggest that you begin laying the groundwork here.
Leadership in this situation is the single most important thing that you can bring to the table. So what leadership gives you when you implement or initiate the process yourself, when you take the leadership role in the divorce, you are setting the agenda and you're setting the tone. Setting the agenda and setting the tone make all the difference in the world for how this relationship is going to move forward. When you tell her in a very kind and compassionate and loving way that you want to move on in a different direction with your life and that she needs to do the same thing, you're setting the agenda. You're saying we're going to be splitting up, and you're setting the tone with a loving background.
Now, I know some of you want to be vindictive, and you want to have it out with her. You want to start firing verbal bullets at her. This is not the time to do it. You know, if you need to start unloading your anger, hire a therapist and unload your anger at them. Unloading your anger at her is only going to result in you paying more money, a more contentious divorce, lawyers getting involved, and the whole thing turning into a huge mess. So, I would appeal to her more loving, compassionate, and empathetic side. Talk to her about the future. You know, you can be relatively generous at this stage in the game with the way you see the future going because you're in control. Once a lawyer gets involved and you have lawyers on either side, well, this thing turns into a war. And I think if she starts going down that path, "I'm going to hire a lawyer," say, "Look, I suggest we go with a divorce mediator rather than a lawyer because once lawyers get involved, they're going to drain our resources, which means less money for both of us, and it's going to become contentious, and I really don't want to have a contentious relationship with you for the rest of my life. I want to have a cooperative relationship with you."
If you can do that, if you can set that agenda and set that tone, you can create a divorce environment that is as healthy and as, I don't know, I hate to say the word "supportive," but it can be a healthy and supportive environment to split up. I mean, it was a healthy environment when you got married. Healthy and supportive when you got married. Try to make it as healthy and supportive as you split up. See if you can approach it that way. If you can do that, if you can achieve that and you can have this divorce run by a divorce mediator rather than by attorneys on both sides, you will win. You will win big.
Initiating the divorce allows you to take a leadership role, which allows you to then set the agenda and set the tone. Now, I can't guarantee this is going to work in every situation, but holding on when you realize that your marriage is over, when you're no longer having sex for a year at a time, when you've been to therapy and nothing seems to be working, when your life is like walking on eggshells 'cause you're afraid that you're going to trigger her in some way, and you feel like you're in a pressure cooker and your stress levels are up and you're having a tough time just making it from day to day--you are in hell. You are 100% in hell. Take control of this situation. Initiate the divorce. Do it in a way that is designed to give you the best outcome in the long run.
You cannot fire verbal bullets at this time because the minute those bullets leave your mouth, they cannot be unsaid. They cannot be unsaid. And when her emotions are high, and you have to anticipate that when you have this conversation, her emotions are going to be high, those bullets land with a lot more force, and she will remember them. And the likelihood that you're going to be able to go to a mediator and resolve this is very, very low. With this conversation, you need to understand that you may not come to a resolution on this first day, with this first conversation. It might be that you need to have two, three, four, five conversations before it finally gets to the point where you guys are in agreement about the divorce, that you're in agreement and what the next steps are going to be. So, just set your expectations correctly. Don't put all your expectations on this one conversation that it's going to work everything out 'cause it probably won't. You're probably going to have a few conversations.
Keep the long-term divorce picture in your mind. What's it going to be like to be in a relationship with this woman in 5 years as two separate people? You want to have a friendship. You want it to be cordial. You want it to be supportive so that you know if she's got to take care of your dogs while you're out of town, you can trust her to come over and take care of your dogs. You know, you're going to be talking about kids. You're going to be talking about colleges. You're going to be talking about marriages. So, you just want to be able to have a healthy relationship with her going forward. I know that's a tall order for a lot of guys. I know it is, but that's the ideal. If you can pull that off, getting from here to there becomes really easy.
Going to a divorce mediator is going to cost you a couple thousand dollars. You're going to split things up in a fair way. You're going to take your stuff. You're going to move out. She's going to take what's left over and move out or keep the house or whatever. And you're going to have a divorce that you can both live with and that your kids can live with, which is even more important. So, I strongly suggest that you get a clear picture in your mind of what this divorce looks like in 5 years and then play it backwards from there. How do you get from here to there?
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I certainly hope this video has been helpful. You know, going through a divorce is one of the most traumatic things you're going to experience. Next to death or the death of a loved one, it's right up there. I mean, it really is. So, anticipate that this is going to be a tough process, but I guarantee you getting out of that pressure cooker will be a relief, and you will feel better once you're under your own roof again. You're not dealing with that pressure from her, that toxic environment that you're living in now. And you will find yourself again. You'll discover who you are again. This whole thing is a process. It really is, and you just have to allow for it. It may take a few years to get through it. But it's an investment in your future, and it's well worth it. You've got a lot of life to live, and you don't want to live it in the hell that you have right now. So do it. Just pull the trigger. No verbal bullets.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you. I hope you've enjoyed the video. Please like and subscribe. If you know someone who's going through a divorce, please share this video with them. Hopefully, they're in that decision-making matrix and trying to figure out what they're going to do. Hopefully, this will help them find a path forward. All right, I'll see you in the next one.