Transcription
Oh, welcome to another chat with Tim. I've been asked on several occasions over the last few months about people that are in recovery for their trauma. They've experienced trauma throughout their life and often very severe trauma, and now they're hearing you need to be get connection with safe people, and so that means you gotta return to social environment, you got to engage in building friendships again, and they just go, I don't have a clue how to go about socializing.
Could you do a video on practical tools for returning to socializing after complex trauma and complex trauma therapy? And I thought, yeah, okay, that's, that's an interesting topic, and it's an important topic, but it's really challenging. So let me give you kind of why I see it as challenging.
So the first is many people from complex trauma, if it was severe, their response wasn't too fawn. Their response was to freeze, to isolate, to shut down who needs people. They didn't have relationships with people in, in the flash. They may have had a few online, but they were involved in video games, their own hobbies, just very much being alone all the time. And so when it comes to building relationships and being around people, that is just extremely scary and overwhelming for them. So that category of people, this is very challenging.
And then there's people that grew up fawning, that they were good at fawning. That's how they survived, but they realized there wasn't true connection there. There wasn't true authenticity there. And so they got into recovery for their trauma. They began to trust people to get authentic, to have true intimacy, true connection. And it was so satisfying. And now they wanna go back into social settings and they go, but people don't talk at that depth there. It's boring how people talk there. I don't, I'm not interested in a football game or the weather or stuff like that. It's like, I have to go back to fawning and it just feels like I'm going backwards. It feels wrong. I just, I don't like it. It's not satisfying. And so this whole need to go back to superficial at superficial talking just feels very empty, very unfulfilling. Who wants to do that after you experience such meaningful conversations?
So the bottom line is that for people from complex trauma, returning to the social arena in the social settings is challenging. It's not easy. They feel like a fish out of water. And so there's a bunch of new tools they have to either learn that they've never Learned at all or relearn and they're not sure it's worth the effort. It just feels safer to stay with just one or two people and just have deep conversations all the time.
And so I, what I wanna say up front is maintain those one or two relationships, have those deep conversations. But I think you're gonna find there is value in learning some social tools because you can't avoid social settings entirely. There's still going to be a part of life going to weddings, going to funerals, going to family get togethers, and so learning how to do this is gonna be frustrating, but it is going to be important to, to work at learning this. So that's what I wanna talk about today.
There's really gonna be three main challenges, I think, in returning to the social arena. So when I was thinking about this, the first thing that just jumped out to me is when you go into a social setting, there are hundreds of unspoken rules. And they're different in every culture, they're different in every family, but there are all kinds of rules there.
So, so just for example, when I think of many of the social settings that I was in as a young child, a teenager, an adult. In my culture and my family system, there are certain topics that you didn't talk about. There are certain topics that you only talked about if you held certain opinions. There are certain ways that you could talk about things. And so you wasn't just what you said about how you said it. You had to say it just right. And there were rules when you were in social settings about how much you talked about yourself versus how much you listen to others talk about themselves. That was never spoken or outline, but you just picked it up and Learned. There were conversations where they were very serious, focused. There was social settings where the unspoken rule was, this had to be light and funny. There was acceptable gossip where you could talk about others, but there is unacceptable gossip stuff you couldn't say. There were emotional expression that was allowable. There was other types of emotional expression that you couldn't engage in. And then there were times where you were talking to somebody that was more of an authority or elder to you and you just knew when you could, you had to agree with them or you'd be in trouble, or when you could challenge them and not be in trouble. So you still had to know when to fawn and when not to fawn. And that's just a few of the rules. There's go on and on, but what I'm driving at is at every culture, every family, every system has all kinds of unspoken rules in every cultural setting. And so part of returning to social environments is sensing those rules, learning those rules, and you may not get it perfectly the first time, but you'll gradually kind of figure that out. And it's like doing a dance and learning the steps of the dance, and it's somewhat frustrating and, and you wish it wasn't there, but it's, it's the reality. And so it's part of what you have to learn.
The next thing is that in most social environment within cultures, there is a social hierarchy. It's unspoken, but it's, it points to who is the most important person, who's the next most important, whose words carry the most weight, who you have to give the most respect to, who you don't even have to listen to. And so if you're an elderly person or a person in a position of authority, then you're required to listen to them. You're required to nod when they're talking and act like you're agreeing with them. If you're a little child, you don't really have to listen to them. They don't, their words don't carry much weight. If you're in many cultures, a woman that their words don't carry much weight unless it's a very pretty women, woman, then people tend to listen to them. And then if you're really wealthy, if you're really successful, then people put a lot of weight in your words. And then depending on the color of your skin, your race, that determines where you fall on this social latter, your religious, your political beliefs, all of those determine where you fall on this social hierarchy. And so boy, that's unspoken, but that's there in social settings.
And then the third thing and this to me might be the most challenging is that when you're in a social setting, there's no way of predicting how it's gonna turn out. You might go in with expecting that this is what this social setting, setting is gonna be like, but it could go totally different.
So let me again, just give you some examples. You may go to a social setting, and you might find somebody early on that you connect with, and you just go and have a wonderful conversation with them and it's a great evening. Or you might go to a social setting and you can't find anybody that you connect with, nobody seeks you out, and you just sit there feeling like you got leprosy, all alone, nobody, you feel ostracized in the evening, you just awkward. Or you might go to a social setting and you start chatting somebody and find out it's a very obnoxious narcissist, and you try to get rid of them, but they don't wanna be getting rid of, and they just follow you around, and they just wanna talk about themselves and impress you, and it just is totally irritating, cause to them, you're a captive audience and they just wanna dominate your time. Or you might go to a social setting and you just pick up, there's a lot of tension here tonight, don't know what's going on, but nobody's here, being very free. Or you might go to a social setting and, and it's really you earn early on. Don't try to talk seriously or deeply to anybody. That's taboo. This has to remain superficial, funny, very light. Or you might go to another one and you try to be funny and people almost look down on you because this is a more dignified serious conversation type of thing. Or you might go to a social setting and there's like this natural funny leader who just kind of becomes the spotlight and takes over the whole social setting. And everybody just gravitates to them and they just tell stories and entertain, and that becomes a social setting. Or you could go to a social setting and you begin to realize that there's a lot of laughter at other people's expense. There's people that just point out flaws and others and quirks and others, and laugh at them, and you just feel awkward. Or there's a lot of gossip here. Man, that's all they do is talk about everybody. Or you could find out there's a social setting where there's some very meaningful topics being discussed, or there's just empty, empty topics being discussed. Or you could go to a social setting, and somebody starts hitting on you, or somebody starts asking you very inappropriate questions, and then you try to get river person, and they don't take the hint, and they just follow you around, and you don't know how to get out of that conversation. Or you could have somebody that you haven't seen in a while, and they center you out, and they start telling very inappropriate stories about you from your past that are very embarrassing. Or all of a sudden somebody could say, let's do an icebreaker and they wanna do something that just makes you feel very uncomfortable. Or they do a truth or dare type thing where you gotta share some information that you're not comfortable with and you're just like, this is making me super awkward.
So the point is going to social settings is like navigating treacherous water. It could be safe, maybe, but it could be very dangerous. And you have no way of knowing you're going into the unknown here without knowing how this is going to turn out. That is the reality. So I think that's what many of you have realized and that's why you've asked me to talk about this.
So I wanna give you some guidelines and I think it's important to say up front that there's no formula that I know of that makes going to social settings magically easy, that you're just gonna be a professional. You're just not gonna have any awkwardness or discomfort at all. It's just gonna flow. It's not gonna happen. This is going to be a journey for you of relearning tools of retraining your nervous system to be able to tolerate the unknown, to be able to manage all of these different things. And so it's gonna take some time. It's gonna take some learning, and you're not gonna get it perfectly the first time. You have to be aware of that. So be prepared that. Yes, you are going to feel awkward initially. You can't magically make that go away. You have to be able to just tolerate it. Sit in it. It's not gonna kill you, but you're gonna gradually learn more and more things and tools that are gonna help you navigate social settings and your nervous system to be more comfortable in that environment.
So the first thing that I would suggest is initially go with somebody that you are comfortable with, that you trust, that's safe. But you go to somebody, you got somebody to talk with, you got somebody that you, you can just relax more. You don't have to try to fit in all of those things. So for many people, that might be the, the starting point that just helps them.
The second thing that I really encourage people to do is acknowledge there's a lot of anxiety within. There's a lot of my nervous system is not feeling safe. There's a lot of feeling of danger. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up for that, but allow and give yourself permission to have an escape plan. So go to a social setting, but, kind of, hang out near a door. Cause if it starts to get overwhelming, or you start to just feel too uncomfortable, you can step outside and get yourself regulated again, or you can just leave and say that, okay, that was enough for tonight. Doesn't mean I failed. It just means my nervous system is gonna take a while to get more and more comfortable. There's a titration thing going on here. That's gonna take time, and so I did my time tonight, and, and that's good enough, and I'm okay with that. Or you could go and just go sit in the corner and find one person to talk to, and that's fine. You don't need to mix with everybody and be part of the main flow of the social event. It's okay to go sit in a corner by yourself or with another person. So be prepared that you have to do things that might have to have an escape plan. And that's okay, cause the priority as you return to a social setting is keeping yourself safe. So you're, kind of, pushing yourself a little bit, titrating the events of your nervous system can grow and expand, but you keeping yourself safe as well. And you're finding the balance to do that.
The third thing that I always recommend is parent yourself before you go to the event. So it's some self talk that you can do, that would be helpful to you before you go to the vet. So No 1 would be to say to yourself, okay, I'm learning new skills here about socializing. It's gonna take me a while to master them. So don't set the bar too high for yourself. Don't expect to do this perfectly the first time. I'm gonna feel some awkwardness. I'm gonna maybe not say the right thing. I'm not gonna pick up on all the cues. That's okay, but I'm gonna keep learning. So you're setting the bar at a realistic level in your mind before you even go. Secondly, go, I don't need to be funny. I don't need to be popular. I don't need to be extroverted. I don't need to be get everybody to like me. I can go and just be authentic. I don't need to impress anybody or get validation from anybody. I don't need to sacrifice my needs or values or boundaries to please other people. If they don't like me, that's their problem. I can be authentic and I choose to be authentic. And third thing, I don't need to tolerate stuff that makes me really uncomfortable. So somebody is hitting on me, somebody is being rude, somebody is being disrespectful, somebody's telling jokes that just make me very uncomfortable, gossiping in ways that make me very uncomfortable, I can leave. I respect myself enough to stand up for myself and keep myself safe. I don't need others to like me, which would require me to sacrifice my values. So do some parenting of yourself before you go to an event.
Then the next thing I encourage people to do is prepare some safe questions that don't go too deep or aren't too intrusive that you can ask people. So you kind of go with your list of being prepared about how to start a conversation or once a conversation starts, how to keep it going. So just you start talking to somebody, question could be, what kind of work do you do? Or are you originally from this area? If not, where are you from? What brought you to this area? How do you like this area? And you can just develop that and those are safe, those aren't too intrusive. And then how long have you been coming to these social events here? What brought you here? What do you find to be good about them and what do you enjoy? What I would add is don't ask empty questions. So I've gone to so many social events and people go, what are you? What are your plans for the weekend? And I just cringe inside. You don't care about my weekend, you're just asking me that cause that's what you thought you had to ask. And often, sometimes I don't even answer it. Sometimes I just give a very vague, um, answer because it's, it's a kind of question that it's just one of those stock questions that people throw out there when they don't know what else to say, but they don't really care. They're just filling in the empty space. And so just be aware that, make your question sincere and genuine.
Now I'm gonna take you a little bit farther. So you've got through some of that, you're getting a little more comfortable in social settings. Then to me the next stage of growth would be look for someone who you can tell is like you used to be there. They're sitting in the corner, they look really uncomfortable and they're afraid to go and initiate conversation. So go and initiate a conversation with them and just ask them a few general questions. Keep it short unless you find you're really connecting, but you take the initiative to make somebody else feel safe and to connect with them.
And then finally after the event, review it. Now don't review it. And kind of the complex trauma way of obsessively looking for everything you did wrong and then beating yourself up and feeling terrible, but look at it from what did they do well, what could have done better? What did I learn from this past event that will affect how I do it next time? Turn this into a review in order to learn and to validate session for yourself.
So just let me in with this. It's so important for people that have been in complex trauma therapy and that have found safe people and are connecting and talking at a deep level, is that you didn't start there with them. All relationships start as acquaintances. All relationships start by just very general safe information. What's your name? Where do you live? What work do you do? What brought you here? And then if you feel safety, you go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. All relationships have to progress from acquaintance to deeper and deeper. So if you have people in your life that are just really close friends, they started out as acquaintances. They went through the process of growing in intimacy because of growing safety. And so just realize that when you go back into a social setting, you're basically going back into everybody's in the quain. So okay, let's switch back to that and maybe out of that, there might come a close friend someday. But I have to be willing to go through the process. I can't just expect all relationships to magically go back to my sweet spot of a deep intimate conversation. I gotta remember there's a process.
I think it's important to end with saying this. So I'm an introvert and social settings have never been high importance to me. I do them because I need to my life. My joy comes out of those few close friendships. That's where I put my energy into. I'm not out chasing getting everybody to like me in social settings or being popular. I want meaningful connection, but I realize that life also requires some social settings. And so I've had to accept that means I got to learn how to navigate that in a somewhat acceptable way. And I hope you can too.
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