Transcription
Do you think that level of fame that you had, do you think that damaged you to some extent? Because it obviously shifted your perception of, I don't know who I can trust. I don't know what people's intentions are.
No, I, I'll be, look, what, what was, and I realized after, didn't help is because I had it rough when I was young. My dad was crazy. Love him, but it was, it was rough in any way you can think. So, I didn't know anything else. So, and then you arrive in a dressing room, it's also, don't cry, don't share your, your emotions, don't be vulnerable. My dad, my mom, my family, football, like it went higher. Instead of balancing what you were not, I went even more south with it. And you're successful. How are you going to realize that it's not what, how you supposed to behave at times or, or, you know, I couldn't. People always say, "Oh, switch it on and switch it off." Game. Every free day, I want to kill everybody at home, myself, everybody. It's no, everything was a game, everything was a competition, everything was, everything is. It's no switch off. It's like, what about now though? Do you look back and feel satisfied?
Yeah, yeah. No, seriously, I, uh, like my kids. My kids are reliving my life through my kids. Like the other day, I was watching a video, my, because my son wanted to see a video of, of, of me, 'cause he never saw me play. And it's kind of weird because I, I enjoyed it. I looked at it, I was like, "Damn, I was all right." That's kind of nice. I remember that. However you want to take it, and maybe you think I'm trying to be humble or not humble or whatever, but it's true. I looked at the video. Before, if someone would have showed me that video, I said, "I don't have time for this, man." I wouldn't even. Sometime I didn't even enjoy some goals that I scored, and I just went, "I," you know, but I didn't know. Like, if you don't know, you don't know. I didn't know that was my way to express myself.
Can I ask you a question? Do you think that's part of why you want to coach? Because you're always looking for, like, what do I achieve next? For a very long time, like coaching is the closest to the game. So obviously, you, you, the line is there, right? But I feel the need of explaining to people things. It's, it's me. And I need to educate. You want to teach, share, because educating sometime can be seen as you're the teacher and you're the student. Student. I like to share. We're on the same level. Let me, let me, let me help you, you know? I, I just, you know, make people understand the game. Like, I'm that type of guy. And, and I was, I was, I said that to Pete the other day, and he laughed. You know, when people ask you, "Do you like the glass half empty or do you see it, sorry, half empty or half full?" I see the [ __ ] glass. What does that mean? There is a glass. Work with it. People are trying to find out if the water is half full or not. You have a glass. Some people don't have a [ __ ] glass. That's all I see. Work with it. You understand what I mean? And people always see it as, "Oh my god, the bigger picture is not there if it's half empty." You have, you have it. You have it. Everyone have what is required. That's why I go back to the US national team. You, wherever you, if you're from Texas or New Hampshire or wherever you from, doesn't matter. If you want it and you have the, if you have that person that can guide you. However, when you look at some of the best athletes in the world, past, present, or whatever, there was always someone weird behind them. However weird you want to call it, tough, rough, pushing, not pushing, not accepting much. If you take the, look at in the history, dad or mom or something weird made that, that guy had an edge.
Greatest player that the US men's national team has ever had. Do you, I don't know about all that, but say something made you. I'd say my sister that passed away. I think that's losing her switch. It's like, life is short, make the most of it. So for me, that's what made. And also, uh, like anger was the anger from that loss. Yeah. So I like, uh, I feel what he says about just being like, you had to be angry to, to be successful. So I relate to that. You know what Charlie said about forgiveness and forgiveness kind of giving you that release, right? To, to move past things. Who, who do you have to forgive in that scenario? That's hard, right? 'Cause so I don't know how you let go of the anger if you don't know who to forgive for that. Do you know what I mean? I had to forgive myself because the last conversation I had with her was like, it's me asking to go to a friend's house and it's like, "Is mom and dad there?" She's like, "No." I say, "Okay, fine. Bye." Instead of like, "I love you," and all that kind of stuff. So I had to forgive myself. I'm trying to give you emotional. No, I wasn't trying to. Yeah, I appreciate you saying that. Man.
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How long does it take until you can look back and just like, just remember the good stuff? Do you know what I mean? I do. I mean, I remember us doing like, follow the leader, jump like into the water, copy each other's dance moves. I remember watching play tennis. I remember talking about like, "What if something happened one day, like one of us passed away?" Like, "Would you want us to come back and like, write something in the mirror?" Like, "No, it might freak us out or whatever." Then it was like, I was like, "Shoot, if he ever passed away, maybe come back, help me score a goal." So you think about 2010 playing against England, but like, probably had a little help there. So that kind of stuff. And you talk about being from a place you should have never made it in the sport. Like, man, I'm from nowhere, really. I mean, I love where I'm from. Nakadocas. Yeah, I'm very prideful of where I come from. Texas, but like, it's a rural town, not known for soccer. People always looked at you crazy for, for the sport you played, right? You playing baseball? Just, just, it's just what I love to do. And I wish I'd have had someone like, like you coach, that could help me more. I had great coaches, they help me, but like a coach that you had something like that. What could I really done, right? I did okay. You know what I'm saying? But not like, but I'm at peace.
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Talking, hugging, love, discussions about anything. Like at my house, it's like, we would have won the silent game easy. Like it wasn't such a thing as discussion. Wasn't a thing. Like, like it wasn't about like, "Don't talk, don't bring happiness, don't bring sadness back home." It was just, it was just like, and then you get used to it. So for me, if you, like, knowing just you can talk, like, you, we can share something. So, like, for example, right now, and I, and I said that to my, to, this is why it's, it's difficult at times because I can talk to you. Like, if my mom was here, I wouldn't be able to speak to her like that 'cause it won't come out. It's weird. Like, if I hug my mom, it will be almost, you know, at the end when you go, like, "Okay, it's enough." You know, like, uh, you know, because like, like you said, like, you, when you talk about that, is also, it's not about, it's accepting that they had their tools in a certain way, and I can go deeper like you did in, in, in some ways of behavior, right? That if you think about it now, I'm like, "Was that necessary?" Okay. Do you know what I mean? But those were the tools that they, they had. But along the way, that has an impact on you. It does have an impact. And I can speak to, and I'm way more open now. Before, me, oh my gosh, I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't like that. But I, I feel people, like, I don't know. Can I put that into words? Like, I knew your story. It's just right to say to say something, I think, you know? And so I don't know if you, I don't know if you can say that about. I don't know what it is exactly, but what I feel the need of, what I didn't have to, to give it and share it, if you know what I mean? Like, because, because for a long time, my happiness was through people, my sadness was was through people, because I couldn't share happiness and sadness. So I don't, no doors, no feelings, no nothing. Dead. It's like, "Okay, we have a game on Tuesday." Okay, right. We have a game on Tuesday. I was, I was so annoying. Now, I used to come in the, in the game, we won. I was like, you know, we won by luck or, you know, I was always something, you know, like never satisfied. No, I was always, always happy but never satisfied. And, and I guess it's because I always wanted to make my dad happy. And, and in a way, I didn't, because I never had the approval.
Do you think that's what made you so good? Or also on another side, do you feel like you never smelt the, the, the roses while you were playing? Like enjoyed the, the big good moments? Yeah, you're right. I think you need to have the right balance. I think you, you, you, you need to have that. You need to have you need to be a killer, but sometimes also along the way in your career, you need to have that smile and you need to have that that way about you to balance it out. I only, I only could react. Rage was my thing. Like, I, I needed to be upset. Like, if you said, "Sorry," go ahead. Yeah. No, no, you, I needed to be upset. Like, if you said to me, "Man, like, wind me up, say something." That's when I want to play. I, because my dad was that, was my, you know? So that's why people always, "That guy never celebrates." Because when I used to score a goal, I used to think about the one that I missed before that was way harder than the one that I scored. So in my celebration, I was like, "What the [ __ ] I scored?" And then, and then you kind of towards the end, you're like, "Oh, [ __ ] I need to do something here." Uh, oh, [ __ ] it. It's too late. We go back. And I know when you look at it, people were like, "Look at this guy scored a goal." Like, everyone will dream to, to score, and he's not even celebrating. But people didn't understand the process. I was programmed to think about what I didn't do. So what I did was just what I did. And so, but like I said, you know, you said your, your wife saved you, and I'm not saying that in a bad way for, for my partner because she, but my kids saved me. My kids re-educated me because they made me understand what a smile was, what hugging was. Again, I understand me well. I'm not a wh. I love of who that little Thierry was. You know what? I'll share something that's very important. So Montreal, a year without seeing my family. MLS is back. We were in New Jersey playing all our games away from home. I'm not telling you what Montreal is not the best team in the league at a time. Didn't make the playoff for five years or whatever. We suddenly make the playoff somehow. We nearly beat you guys. You know, we had nobody but nearly made it. Hey, last minute goal from Bu to win it to one. But anyway, whatever. I go home. I go home, you know, with a, with a heavy heart, like almost as a stranger, you know, because I haven't been there for a year. So, it was weird. COVID time. I'm trying to readjust on the getting being, I was like a host at my house, is a guest. Sorry, at my house. Sorry. So, a month passes, I have to go back to Montreal. We don't know obviously what's going to happen with COVID because, you know, is it going to come back? Is it, is it what are we doing? Is the, the league going to start? Can people travel? Not, it was this, that second wave again or whatever it was, third one, whatever. And I don't know if you guys know, but in, in Canada, it was crazy. Yeah. This is why the free team had to relocate because the US team couldn't, couldn't get in, whatever. So I'm preparing my bags. Whatever. I'm saying bye to everybody. Right. I'm about to leave. So I open the door, say bye to everybody. Everybody starts to cry. From the nanny to, to everybody starts to cry. Like, one kid on my leg, one kid there, partner, one there. Obviously, I start to cry. Everybody cry. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I was a human being. Not because I play for, no, you like me. That's what I'm feeling. I'm not saying, understand what I'm saying. I'm not saying people didn't. Me for the first time, they, they saw the little Terry. That the little Terry got that love. Like for the first time, I put my bags down and I went, "Hey, they see me, not the player." And, and that's my family. Don't, I mean, understand me well. That was me in my mind. Doing my mind. Can, you know, mind can play tricks as you know, but for the first time, I felt like a human being. So I put my bags down and I said, "I'm staying." This is why I stopped at our stop at Montreal 'cause I'm like, I'm like, like they gave me that approval that I was looking for a long time. Like, and they gave me a sense of who I was at that particular moment because when you see your kids and everybody crying at the same time, they were crying for me, not the football player. Which in my, in my life, it was always that, "Oh, you're a good player. Oh, you're a good player. Oh, you, you know," and suddenly you start to, you don't even listen to it. You just go with the motion and, and so on. And so that today. That was one of the first time that I could hold the hand of my little guy. That's crazy. It's the first time that we, I felt a connection. Like, I've been looking for that for a long time. And who can give you that? People are close to you, right? And kids are genuine. If you have, if you have something on your face and you don't look good, they'll tell you right there. They'll let you know. And they didn't let me know that I mattered. Not because of what I became.
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What about, um, forgiveness for you? Was that something you had to find? You know what? I forgive the word forgiving. Because if you analyze it with that was their their way. I traveled. I speak different languages. I read. I know that you can get a different way. So for a very long time, my problem was never forgiving, and I didn't realize my problem was digesting it. And I didn't know where the anger was coming from. 'Cause for me, I was just normal, right? Like, you step on my toe, I'm like, "What, what the [ __ ] are you doing?" Like, what? It's just my reaction was this, not like trying to understand why you upset or anything. Like, I, I was going to say my piece and walk out. I didn't know where the anger was coming from because I was like, "Wait, hang on a minute. I forgave whatever situation I had before. I should be fine now." But that has an impact on you, however you want to look at it. That football amplified, by the way. And being in bracket, in bracket, because without a team, you cannot do anything. But when you're the guy that every time people expect you to perform, expect you to lead, we're in trouble. Can you, uh, hello, Terry. He still didn't turn up. You know, when you go with that on your shoulder every game. Mhm. You know how it feels like that? It's nil-nil and everybody's like this. "Is he all right?" You know, not like, I'm, I'm not saying that in a bad way, but when you know, when you're the guy that, the burden of always performing, being good every day in training, 'cause that, it does, it does have a lot on you. It's draining. It's draining physically, mentally, going with what you went through and what you went through and what you went through. It's, it's just, it takes a lot. And that's why when often athletes, when they, they stop, the struggle. They struggle because the only thing that could keep them at bay and going straight was competing. What do you hide now? Where do I hide? All the things that I was hiding. I need to discover what's happening with me. Where the anger is coming from. Why I'm short sometime with, with my answers. Why for me, for a long time, where in my world, it was okay. Mhm. Why guy doesn't, if a guy doesn't give me the ball, well, I don't give you the ball. Give you the ball. Well, say, "What the [ __ ] man? The ball is in front. What are you doing?" Like, and walk off. I didn't care if the guy was hurt or not. We need to win.
Did you feel like you struggled with retirement? I didn't struggle with stopping football. M. I struggle with now I'm realizing my demons. Because before you have a game, boop, you play. You play Real Madrid, you play international team, you have a tournament. I don't have time to think about where my inner child is. I don't have time to think about how I've been educated. Don't have time to think about, "Am I emotional enough? Am I vulnerable? Do I show empathy to people that are vulnerable?" That, that I'm here to win. I'm not here to, to, to, to be your babysitter or whatever. We're here to win. Then when that's away. Oh, wait. And by the way, COVID hit. So, nobody wants to be alone in their thoughts. No one. Because what it brings you into is the dark one. Always. When you, in, in a place alone and you start to think about, so it was a double hit for me because I stopped football, okay? I had my stuff, I passed my badges or whatever. Boom. You, boom, you arrive in, in Montreal. COVID. Oh, what makes me happy? Wait, because you don't think about it. Having those existential thoughts. What makes you happy? I'm like, "Okay, wait. Going to meditate." And everything that used to make me happy or makes me happy was stuff that I used to do for people. But ultimately, when you look at it, well, what makes you happy? Was always, "Oh, my kids." "My, I like when I do that with my." But you alone, let's say there's nobody with you. What makes you happy? I struggled because everything referred to, to football, I guess. And I didn't even know if I was happy. But to, to again, making people happy. It was always through others, never me. And then you start to think about how your dad was with you, how your mom was with you. Are you were also with others? More importantly, was I a good teammate? Debatable. But if you bring me back to my time and we have to win, we're half time nil-nil. You're going to hear me. What do you think people would say about you? What kind of teammate you were? I was a pain in the neck for the good of the cause. Uh-huh. That I was a pain in the neck for the good of the cause. I was going to let you know, man. Always. We were six up or seven up, your pass is not good. You're going to hear me 'cause that's how I was with myself. So if I, if I'm like that with myself, you're going to hear me.
What was Clint like as a teammate? Aggressive. And I, because when we were coming, when he was playing, you know, I was in college and we got to put scrimmage the New England Revolution. And Clint was the most skilled American player with the ball. And so I'd watch these games 'cause this is the local professional team. And we got to play them in a, in a spring friendly. And, you know, I had, I had played really well. But what stood out to me was, yeah, we're college kids, but he would play. He was given a 100%. Some of his other guys are like, "Ah, it's college, whatever." And we were running them, but when he played, it was 100%. And he's scoring, he's like, "Can't nobody touch me." And then when we played together, national team, I just wanted to keep proving to, to everybody, but to him, that if we go to war, I'm right next to him. I'm, I'm, I'm not one to shy away. Like, I'm, I'm ready for the battle. I'm always down. I'm not, I'm not afraid. And I, I'll play with without fear, too. I'm not afraid to make mistakes on the pitch and try and be daring with him. And that's what stood out to me is he was real 100% of the time, whether it was a player or a coach. And even the times when he's talking to coach, I'm like, "Damn, I, I'm not doing that."
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I'm paraphrasing, so correct me if you think I'm saying it wrong. Right. But you're kind of saying that trauma in some way builds champions, right? Like anybody that you can think of that's a great in something, they have gone through something, right? That has shaped them and that has been hard. I guess I wonder that puts you in a like a, a weird dilemma, right? Whereby this hurt me for a period of time, but it's also kind of what made me great. And I'm aware of that. I guess I wonder looking back now, you know, do you make peace with the fact that you got hurt by those things? And kind of, there's, there's two things. Like, I always say that sometime when your medicine is your poison, it's difficult. Or in other words, I, I like to put it. Everyone has my number. They will say it in on my WhatsApp is is that I always say, "The worst place you can be stuck is when you are stuck in between what you know and what you feel." Right? When you're stuck in between what you know and what you feel. So, what you know, my parents are to educate me like that, but how I feel about it. When you're stuck in the between, it's very difficult because what you know, you know they couldn't do anything else. And how you feel. So you need to deal with it. But sometimes you, when you're stuck in between that, what you know and what you feel, it can be love also. Time you love someone, you know something about it, and how you feel. It's like, you back and forth. You're like, "I know I shouldn't be there," but, but you can fight with what you feel, right? It's the same thing. That's the worst place you can be. So, you know, when you, because I think obviously this, but to, to answer to the question, like, I have a lot of skulls that are, that are still open. That for a very long time, I didn't allow people to, to, to stitch them or to, to even to, to even see if I can, if I can scar better or if I can, I can go over it. Because I had no doors. Like, I, I never let anyone in. Like, for example, sometime I apologize to my partner because I'm like, like she was looking maybe sometime trying to see what was in my brain, and she didn't see a [ __ ] door. There's no door. There were no doors in terms of emotion. So you can talk to me as much as you want when I was a player or whatever. You're not getting anything because I was unequipped. I didn't have those signals. I didn't know. Like, I can't, you can't know everything, right? Like, I was, I was okay on the field when I was like, you know, I never wanted to be in a situation where I was going to be vulnerable because a leader is not supposed like, I was about to say something that I, I stopped myself saying back in the days. If you had, as if you had asked me, "What's the best quality of a leader?" I would have said, "He needs to be a killer. He needs to be whatever." And the above. Oh, yeah. He needs to be tough, rough. Now, you would say, "What two things?" You need to be vulnerable and have empathy. Those are my two things. Once you show that to your team, they will die for you because they know you're not perfect. Then they can understand maybe the message after that. But if you share, if you share some personal stuff, exactly like what Charlie said before, I can be here talking about winning the World Cup. I can be here talking about. But this discussion became serious when we started to talk about this because everybody in this room can relate. This is where he brings people along. I don't care who you are. If I talk about a goal, not a lot of people can relate about how I score that goal, even football players. But if we talk about upbringing, parents, emotion, vulnerable, empathy, anger, people, we all have a story here. It's going to hit you. Whatever it is, at one point you go, "Oh, that's me. Well, did I deal with that? Did I not deal with that? Do I have the right tools? Am I aware of it? Am I not aware of it? Am I denying in denial or whatever?" And I think at that particular moment, that's where you know you can, you can reach people. And, and whoever you are, those two things are, are for me now very important. And before the same, I used to think about trophies and this and that. And yes, don't get me wrong, but the most important thing for me is how you transcend people and what you transmit. People feel that, no matter what, whether you were a winner or loser or whatever, but they understand emotions. And for a very long time, I've been lied to. We have been lied to. Being in the game and the way I've been educated, although they were the tools that they had, like, it's good to be vulnerable. Empathy is, is, is actually outstanding. But I didn't know, right? I didn't know in my field. If you, at one point, if you go and see the coach and you say, "Coach, I just had an argument with my partner last night. I didn't sleep." You're on the bench. And I was that same way until the car accident changed. I couldn't show emotion.
Why did the car accident change you? I woke up. I achieved a, a goal that every footballer dreams of playing in a World Cup. I, I had it in my hands. Some, the, the one thing I really wanted. Had it in my hands. And I wake up and I'm in a hospital bed and I can't move. Can't even breathe. I have a breathing tube. And in that moment, going from top, the top of life to the bottom, and not knowing what's, what's going to happen in the future, I knew I, I had everything and I lost it. But I had to trick my mind into thinking I can get it back. That's the only way I was going to get up out of the bed and keep pushing and say, "Oh, I can still make it." And trick myself to say, "I'm going to give 24 hours to making it up because I let my family down. I let my team down. I let the country down." And in that moment, I just felt what's really important in life. Is it playing soccer? Is it, is it scoring goals? Is it playing in a World Cup, representing your country? Or is it that I have my life still? And it was a priest that came into my room every day in the hospital. Every day. Have you seen the car that you're in? No. You shouldn't be here. You looked at me in my eyes. You should not be here. But you are here. There's a bigger plan for you. You're here because you're important. There's, there's a reason for that. So, don't ever forget that. You are very fortunate to be alive. Many people do not survive that. So, keep that with you. And that's always stuck with me. As much as I push and I, and I tried to do as much as I could to make up for what I lost. And obviously, I, I didn't get all the way. I went pretty far. But ultimately, that I knew just being alive, not taking things for granted, because I took everything for granted in that moment. Man, if I can just embrace and enjoy every day and make the people around me know that I care about these relationships, that I want to help everybody I can. That, that was what was important.
Can you paint that picture for us like in a little bit more detail in terms of how close you were to make, like you were a lock for the roster, right? Yeah. How far away were you from what it had been a starter? Mhm. There's no players going to Aztec as scoring. And I mean, and at what point that the car accident happened? At what point in time before the World Cup? So, Confederation's Cup is when I really came onto the scene. And I, I felt like I finally showed I should be playing every game. We link up in the goal against Spain and we win 2-0. Then we get to, you know, 45 minutes, a brilliant 45 minutes against Brazil. You got to start us off against Egypt though, too. The game that we needed to win in three nothing to even get out of the group. And then we up two-two against Brazil at half. We end up losing 3-2. But I felt, okay, now I want more. I, I tasted what it, it means to play at the highest level, playing against Puol and Lucio and, and PK and feeling like I got the better of some of those moments where we had the aerial duels, one v one. Show, I said, I, I need this every day. I want this. And, and going to France and league on my first home debut playing Bordeaux. They won the, the league and scoring a brace. Said I'm, I'm ready for it. I want more. So I, I felt that the World Cup was that moment for me to say, now I can be in that stratosphere. I can be competing against players that play every week. And all of a sudden, to throw it away. We had qualified for the World Cup. We beat Honduras in Honduras. Everyone's celebrating. We go to Washington D.C. for the last game. I had picked up like a little strain in my groin. We were playing Leon on the weekend. Bob Bradley said, "You're not going to play." So in that moment, I was selfish. And we had a curfew. I figured I'm not playing. Doesn't matter. It doesn't apply to me. I went out. And then I wake up in a hospital.
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I wasn't driving the car, but I put myself in that position. So, I didn't blame anybody as well. There's not a single person I blame for my for my misfortunes ever. And I think I made peace with that. I made peace with the fact that things happen in life. You got to adjust and make the most of it. And then I think that's what helped carry me on. Because as tough as that phone call was from Bob Bradley in May to say, "Charlie, we appreciate you working hard to get back and and training, but you're not going to make the World Cup roster or the camp." As that, that moment being as low as you possibly can be, I knew I'd, what would it do to stop and quit or cry? You know, I cried for, for weeks, but I kept pushing. And when you have kids, that was the moment that you're like, "Man, life is, it's not about me anymore. It's about my children." About. You already had kids at that point in time? I had kids when, when I got cancer at the same time. And, um, the accident is as low as I was in that moment. That, that was kind of what I leaned on. Those experiences when my kids were born three months early and I'm in the hospital for 92 days. My wife is, you know, doing her best to be brave and be there every day. I'm trying to train and practice and be the best husband and and teammate at the same time trying to compete with. I had always chased this goal of getting back on the national team because all I cared about is getting one more opportunity to put on the shirt. Didn't have to play in World Cup. I just wanted one chance to put on the shirt. And then I get injured and like, "Oh, you have a tumor." So, at that moment, I, that was the lowest point in my life because I thought that's when I was going to death. Caught up with me. Like, I had lived a number of lives and I'm not going to be there to see my kids grow.
Did you, so you, you really feared death at that point? Yeah. I didn't think I thought that was it. What kind of, what was the prognosis that they gave you at the time? I had a liposarcoma cancer. And so everything happens for a reason. I, I feel at this point because the kids were born early, which caused me to be fatigued, which caused me to pull my groin muscle, which I've never pulled before. That's why you were again there getting an MRI, right? And I got an MRI, which is why they caught the tumor. And they caught the tumor at a very early stage. So I had a, a extensive surgery, had to remove a testicle and and take four months out of the game. And at that point, I said, "I came back from a car accident." Like, "I want to show my, my unborn, my newborn kids, like, don't stop." Like, that's another hurdle, another challenge.
Did you consistently feel like that though? 'Cause it's like, it's hard to maintain hope at times, right? Sometimes you're just emotionally spent, like you don't have any more fight. Did you never get to that point that you felt like, "I don't have this in me?" Not until the end. Until when I retired. 'Cause it was the moment where, do I keep fighting to chase something that's really not there? What am I? When I could see the strain of my wife trying to raise twin boys with me playing and chasing this, chasing the game. I knew at that point what was more valuable. And that was, it felt like a choice between family and, yes, and, and football. And I felt at that moment, it's more important to be with my family. What's more important to me? That they're happy and feel supported in a, in a place where they don't have to move. They don't have to think about what's next.
Can you relate to that? Sure. I mean, after my second heart procedure, I just felt like, man, I couldn't give what I, what I needed that I used to could give on on the pitch, you know? Yeah. I had was able to get comeback player of the year. We were able to get to the finals versus Toronto for the second time. And, and I had, after the first half heart procedure, after, after my fir, the second one, you know what I mean? Because I did one, it didn't work. I was playing half over half a season with it. And they couldn't figure out what it was. Basically, I was getting like palpitations or, or whatever. And it was like my heart was beating fast when, like, it kind of shouldn't, like I was in neutral or something. And so I got the procedure done the first time, didn't work. Got it done the second time, but I had to wait a few months to do it. Then I was able to come back. And it was about just like getting back and, and, and proving that, you know, I could overcome it. And because they said it's something that, you know, it could be done. So I was like, "All right." Was able to do that, get back into the national team and, and, you know, try to help them qualify for the World Cup. That was, that was a big goal of mine. My first game back with the national team, getting a hat-trick. So, it was like, yeah, you know what I mean? Like, and, and ended up having a good season, but then we don't make the, the World Cup. We don't qualify for, for that, for 2018. And then that last year, um, of being at, at Seattle, I just felt like there, there was nothing to chase. And I didn't have that fight within me anymore that you need to be the difference maker in a game, you know what I'm saying? And so when the opportunity was to like, "Do you want to retire?" I was like, "I'm like, yeah." I mean, I always knew that that was going to be my last year anyway, but it was like, and I'm always someone was that angry guy, had the fight, you know? And then it was just like, it's not worth me risking my life. Even though it, it wasn't like I was a life-threatening thing that I had, but yeah, you could, you know, it could come back. You could faint on the field and hit your head, you know, things could happen. I was like, "Do I need keep chasing this and end on a different note and move my kids around a lot?" I was like, "No, it's like, I'm good with what I've done. I'm at peace with it." And so I can relate well with just not having that fight anymore that you needed to have to be at that next level to be successful. I feel you.
I think so. I think if I look back right at, like, personal pain that I went through, when I reflect on that now, the overwhelming kind of feeling for me is gratitude, right? Is you can see the path that you could have ended up on and where you could have been. And now I just feel really grateful for, for where I am and the blessings that I have in life. Do you all feel like, like that? Like you're, like, despite that struggle, you're in such a good place now? I couldn't be in a better place. That's great. That's how I look at it. I got healthy kids, wife, this life that I enjoy. Don't have to strain my body. Don't have to be, be going into 50/50 challenges. All the, the, the fitness and conditioning it takes, the grind. After my car accident, I had to train three times, four times as hard as everyone else just to keep up. And at the same time trying to chase my old self. I was playing this catch-up game. That wore me down. I couldn't give you five solid days of training. I couldn't do it physically. I could not do it. Give you two. And if the coach is like, "Okay, that's good enough." Because in Europe, it's five. It's six. If you can't do it, you don't play. You got to bring it every day. I couldn't do that. I could give you two. If, if two is good enough, great. And that, that just wore on me and wore on me and wore on me. And I just kept going. So now in this, this space, I'm, it's nice. It's nice to be in. I'm alive. Amen. Um, you know, I mean, obviously we've all worked together, right? Champions League and we've done so much. Conquer Calf Nations League, all of that. And I think that on the outside, what so many people get to see, right, is the fun, the laughs that we have, 'cause we do have those, right? But I just, I feel really grateful to have met all three of you as people, to consider you friends, and, and to be able to share a moment like this 'cause I, I don't take that for granted. You know what I mean? Everything that all of you shared. Like I said, I felt like I knew you. I thought we were tight. And now I feel like, man, I didn't know any of that stuff. And so, I just want to say I love you all and I'm really grateful. I appreciate you. Thank you. Love you too. I love you too, Terry. It was a dope surprise. Thank you. You know what? Can I give you a hug? Oh, you want to hug me? Can I give all three of you a hug? I appreciate you so much. You're the best. Amen. Hey, I'm Clint, dude. Yo, that was good. Going to have to top that. I went, I going to have to cut too many good stuff in there. They're going to have to cut some stuff.
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I like to say, I think I'm like, probably the most normal goalkeeper out there. Oh, really? I actually, yeah, I actually believe that. Uh, the weirdest either Bobby Shuttleworth. He was the first goalie I ever saw where I was like, "Oh my god, that guy's crazy." Or Aaron Ramdale. He's also bananas. That guy. Yeah, he's [ __ ] weird. But I love him. Are you too normal? Yeah, probably. But maybe because I'm so normal that makes me weird. You know what I mean? Like, thank you for watching. If you liked this episode of Kicking It, then don't forget to hit the like button and subscribe to enjoy more raw and unfiltered content from me and the.