Transcription
You may not be happy, but you've got to go deal with it. Are you in or are you out? If you don't do it, we're not going to make you do stuff you don't want to do. These things you don't want to face, go get experience where life will never be the same again. And thirty years as an author, strategist, and coach, I worked with millions of people who want to achieve their dreams.
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But now I'm taking on my toughest challenge yet. You don't sit on the couch while your family's suffering. Helping families in crisis transform their lives in only 30 days. The price of admission here is: if you can't, then you must.
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We all have to face the most enormous challenge. I turn it around. You define what your successes are, not letting you click. Thank you. Thank you. Your daughter, you got it.
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December 6, 2008. The happiest day of my life turned into my worst nightmare. I was married to my husband, Frank Alioto. And at the end of our reception, there was tragedy. My husband broke his neck in the swimming pool. And people were screaming. Then I didn't understand what was happening. I told him, "I can't. I just got married." They took his ring off him and gave me his ring. You know, hold.
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He hasn't put it back on. I was supposed to be a newlywed. I was supposed to be, you know, planning my life. And we're talking about kids. And now everything's unknown. It really screwed up our marriage. I don't know what the role of a wife is. I know what the role of a caretaker is. But no wife. Where's your new wife? And you can't feel her when you hold her. What kind of life is this?
Tonight, we have an incredible love story and an extraordinary tragedy, all rolled into one. It's about two people that love each other so much, they'll do almost anything to make their marriage work. The question is, will this be the saddest story you've ever heard, or will this be proof positive that love really does conquer all? This is the story of Frank and Kristen Alioto.
Frank and I were married in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. All of our friends and family came down, and we had a blast. That was a really good time. I was thrilled to be marrying Frank. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't stop laughing. The experience was perfect. The party was starting to wind down, and Kristen and her bridesmaids were in a little part of the pool where you can kind of dance around. And I said, "Well, I'm gonna go pee with my wife." I jumped in the pool. And then I started floating. I just remember I couldn't move and thinking to myself, "I was really in trouble." In an instant, he became a quadriplegic. Can you imagine what it'd be like to spend your wedding evening in a hospital in Mexico, not knowing what's gonna happen, whether your husband or wife would live or die? This is the experience of Frank and Kristen had.
Ready to get up, Frank and Chris? They have been trapped in their house. Kristen hasn't had a single day where she could really be a wife. We're literally from day one, she's been nourishing, changing his catheter every few hours, living in fear and then depression. Because what happened to the life they planned? What happened to intimacy? What happened to this idea of kids and a future? When I see pictures of Frank and I, it doesn't look like Frank and I. It reminds me of two people that we knew once. Better if I could have just walked around the pool. I could have stayed there at the bar with my dad. I mean, there's so many what-ifs.
This is a tragedy, but out of tragedy, some good must come. Our job together is to see if we can get Frank to discover how he could own himself again. How he can free himself from any limitation that's in his head or in his heart. The quality of our lives is the quality of where we live emotionally. And what we've got to do is shift that for Frank and Kristen. So I'm inviting them on a journey. I'm bringing them to my home in Fiji. But when they get there, we're gonna rewrite their story. Their old story was, "We went to this beautiful place, so then we took this leap of faith, and our life turned into a tragedy." I'm gonna have them come to a magnificently beautiful place and take a new leap of faith and begin a brand new story in their life.
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We pulled it up into the Meli resort, and Tony's standing there waiting for us. "Nia, it's the biggest smile on his face. Very nice to meet you in person. It helped you get out here. Take your time. We're in no rush." Seeing Tony help Frank out of the vehicle really got to me. I know Tony has met with world leaders. He's met with important people, and now he's taking time to talk to me. You know, this is not some magic cure. We're suddenly gonna go walk. You believe we all have to face the most enormous challenge. Turn it around. This is gonna require both of you to do stuff you don't want to do, face things you don't want to face. But the other side of it will be greater joy and freedom than ever before. Are you up for that? This is an adventure, and I'm treating it as such. Well, it's gonna be an adventure. The path is going to be difficult for both of us, emotionally difficult. But I'm willing to do it. And yet, I'm thinking to myself, "I have so many problems that Tony Robbins can't help me." So I don't know what you went through, where you really are today, and what is it you really want to do with your life at this stage? Today, we are trying to get back to life, as Frank calls it, our new reality. And it's just really difficult. I get up in the morning to eat a meal so I can take pills so I can sit there and wait for the next meal and more pills. So it's like, that's not living. Yeah, I think that I started grieving the life we were supposed to have. I tried to go back to work, and man, it's the house and help Frank and grief. How did you two? How would you do all of that? It was, I cry a lot. The thought of holding Kristen back makes me really sad. If I could give Kristen anything, I would be self-supportive so that she wouldn't constantly have to take care of me. I am grateful that she's my caretaker, but I don't want her to be my caretaker. I want her to be my life partner, my wife. And I don't want to wait that long to go from existing to living again. What was a dream for you before this happened? You know, most people have given themselves something to go after that's either fun or extraordinary or great. What would the dream have been? With you, start a family. I've gotten my career to the point where I could start looking at the home life, and that was kind of the next big step. I wanted to race in the desert. I was working on building myself a desert race truck, and that was my dream. It was a real passion. Food? Yeah. These two love each other completely, but no marriage can survive the kind of dynamic they're facing. We have to help them to find a way to break through. Really, we have two tasks here. One is, we've got to get Frank to restore his independence. On the other hand, I've got to get both to realize that in spite of this accident, they can still have an extraordinary quality of life. So tomorrow, I'm gonna give you both a task, and it'll be an aggressive task. If you're scared about it, I completely understand, but you've got to do it to continue the journey. So put your hands here. If you win, I thought the challenge was getting to Fiji. I didn't know there was more to this. You got it.
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It's okay. Moolah. Good morning. It's Tony. Good morning, my friend. How are you? I'm very good. Yourself? Great. Did you get a good night's sleep? Very good. Well, I've come by to give you your assignment. You guys ready? Yeah. I promised you that you were gonna have to do things that you might be extremely difficult or impossible because you're starting a new journey. The last time you took off to a beautiful place together, you took a leap, and it led to a lot of tragedy. So it seems only natural for you to begin this new journey with a leap of faith. So I've arranged one today. Your skydiving. Skydiving? Tony Robbins is insane. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this, and I can't get it. And since you're a couple, you'll be doing it as well. I am terrified to get thrown out of a plane, much less watch Frank get thrown out of a plane. He's quadriplegic. How is that possibly going to work? I know there's a part of you that must be thinking, "Okay, skydiving. If that's the first step, I don't know. I imagine what's step two and three are." But there's a method to my madness. It isn't just about like pushing it. It's really about how do you break through whatever unconscious concept we have about what's possible. All breakthrough is is a moment in time when you get an insight, or you see a truth, or you have an experience. And once it happens, it's like the veil disappears, and you just take control of your life, not just today, but long-term. And we're looking for ways to trigger people to have those breakthroughs. Every day. I know you wake up with some fears about this, man. And part of what we want to do is get you over those fears, both by seeing him be stronger and also by you exercising your own muscles. That's what we're doing this thing for. But before I ask Kristen and Frank to skydive, I've got to first lay some groundwork and give them some tools so they can take that leap. They both need to experience the raw strength and power that's still inside them. I want you to think of a time when you feel crazy and angry. Give me an example. And actually be there for a moment. I was transferring him from wheelchair to the bed, and I forgot to take his glasses off, and I heard his face break the glasses. What do you say to yourself? What do you do with your body? Show me with your body. Absolutely mad. Yes. And it makes me want to throw the glasses. So doing your body, what you do when you're in that state. Please go completely there, just so you can see how it can be broken. You're not. When you're just as angry and just as sad, is it angry or sad, or both? Okay. Say out loud what you say in those moments. Say it out loud. I see the tears. I know it's real. We're not doing it to hurt you. Go for it. For Kristen, her entire blueprint of life is to take care of everybody. But her greatest strength is now her weakness also, because she can't do everything and still feel alive. She's trapped between anger and frustration and sadness and guilt, and she's in a prison. See what you see. Feel what you feel. And it's sad. Just the way you say it. Go say it again. Say it the way you say it, please. "So stupid." Say it with a volume. You say, "I'm so stupid." Say to yourself in your own mind. Frank, what would you normally say? "That happens. Just wish I couldn't hurt her. She shouldn't be upset because I can't take my glasses off." But here's what you need to do. Whenever she's in that place, instead of feeling sad and weak, you'd feel strong. And all she needs is your presence. The way you become present is you notice things you haven't been noticing before. Look at her. But the horrible she feels in this moment. Right this moment, he could take her from tears to feeling connected. And that's what she's starving for. Now he's starting to know, "Hey, I'm not helpless." Suddenly starts feeling like, "Wow, I can really be her man, and I can show up, and I can make a difference." And that's the beginning of changing their relationship. Okay, baby. It's okay. Crumbs.
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Okay. I love you. Love it. Oh my god, that works. Remember that one? Look at that place. Like a Christmas tree. Would from crying and angry and beating ourselves up to greeting community. And how long did that take? Not long. Being able to provide Kristen with an emotional shoulder to lean on was very powerful. It was important for me to understand that I can still be there for her and provide her with strength. That's the beginning of a breakthrough. Our job now is to improve upon that. On our second challenge, skydiving, which is gonna be aggressive, but I think will provide even more of what they need. Will provide the next step. Will you break through that fear? And you're out there. You ain't gonna be thinking about the past, the future. You are not gonna be worried about him in the next room or whether he can manage things. This is gonna create a bit of a contrast for what your man is truly capable of. And it's also gonna be something I think at the end that'll be quite euphoric for you all, both in the sense of accomplishment and freedom. The feeling to be able to fly. It's incredible. We'll see in a bit. Thank you. Oh my goodness, I'm terrified. It'll be okay, baby. Oh, perfect day for skydiving. We're doing good. You see this man and woman? They're in such pain. So I want them to create a greater sense of freedom. And that freedom is only gonna come if Kristen can see Frank as strong, mentally, emotionally, and physically. And Frank can realize that life can be rich regardless of what's happened to us on the outside. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, we're gonna be okay. Alright, buddy. Wow. Nervous. Okay. That's our man. It's okay to feel that. Do you guys? I'll see you in a few minutes. The ground. Just remember what this is. A brand new life. It's jumping in the new life. We'll celebrate with you on the ground. There we go. Be free. Frank. I'm strapped to another man who's loosely strapped to the helicopter. My foot is mere inches from the open doorway. This is not where I wanted.
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What is the most terrifying moment of my life goes to extremely powerful. It was the freest I've felt since being told I was paralyzed.
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It was a moment that I'll never forget. He was floating. He didn't feel that he had no legs. I'll always picture that smile on his face.
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Wife. All right. Yeah. Just don't scare.
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The man is a quadriplegic, physically jumping out of airplanes. He's a little insane to most people. But so much of our life is on automatic pilot that we don't even see it anymore. He was able to not only do this, but really, really enjoy it. Yo, Gary Auerbach, crazy dogs. This is Frank.
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You're doing, brother. I saw happier. Less I hear. I love you so much, man. Right now, more than ever. I feel like a wife. Frank has been able to support me going through this. He was able to be the strong one in the relationship versus me being the strong one. He took care of me. You look like you're relaxing. Can I could sneak in right now? Yeah. We're just enjoying the evening. It's a beautiful night. What a good sky. What did that mean for you today? I'll just kiss it. It really did mean that we could do things. I've been a friend that I'm just gonna stay at home and yeah, they're not kind of have the adventurous lifestyle we used to. And it's still possible. I thought getting to the achievement, we could do anything. This definitely was it. Well, good. Because I'm gonna be offering something nice. So I'm here to deliver the next step in the journey. Okay. And the next step is gonna be very challenging in a different way for you. And all I'm going to give you is a card. On this card is an address and a time and a date. And I'm gonna ask you just to show up there. And it has some danger involved in it. There's no question there's danger. There's risk. And I'm gonna be giving you a different card with a different address. And the reason we're going on it separately is right now, you both have some needs that need to be met. When you're together, you love each other so damn much that you don't take care of your own needs. That's the next step in this task. They've never been apart since the night of the accident. That's gonna be tough as heck. But I think it's what they both really need right now. And when they come back together, it'll be even more powerful, even more deeply, more euphoric. I look at Kristen, and she's crying. I want to tell him, "The hell with it, I'm going home." And then I start thinking about the skydive that turned out pretty good. Are you up for it? Yes. Are you up for that? I'm going to trust you.
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When the journey begins. Currently, I am in Oceanside, California for my newest challenge. I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to exist right now without Kristen. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through Tony's challenge. Frank's gonna get physical here. He's gonna find out how strong he really is, then he's not fragile. So I go into this gym, and there's wheelchairs crashing into each other. People are throwing balls at each other. And I'm kind of like, "What is this? I'm clearly not in the right place." I'm any. Ready for your first day. These are some of my murderball teammates, and I just want to welcome you and about you to be part of our team. This will be your chair of the day. We're gonna go and get you in it and get you going. I can barely move in my wheelchair, and you guys want me to go out in a manual chair? They're just kind of a surprise. Do I look cool? Oh, you look like a rugby player. It'll murderball sounds so horrible. It's really rugby for quadriplegics, and these are incredible athletes. Frank, isn't these guys? Haha. I think you're gonna see another level of breakthrough of him seeing just how strong and tough he is. And I'm gonna have him roommate with a man named Andy, who's an Olympic champion, and just one of those guys who will not accept limitations in their lives. So it's gonna provide some new possibilities, not by telling him, but by having him experience it. And again, that's my belief. Instead of trying to tell somebody, give me an experience, and then it's true for them. Nice job, everybody. These guys are flying around in circles. I can barely keep my head turning fast enough to watch. What have I got myself into? What did they get me into? One of the best things about this is I see you out here pushing really hard. Don't give up. These guys out here, they didn't push any better than me right now. Every one of these guys was in a similar situation like you, and they just don't quit. Thank you. Don't give up. Oh, Frank doesn't realize, but he's gonna go from not knowing about the sport to actually being in a real game and discovering what he's really capable of. I'm feeling good for a first day. I was awesome. You came out here and you just kind of went with the flow. You didn't know. You were throwing a lot at you, and making the hits, and just having a good time. You look like so he exceeded everybody's expectation. Dave, wow. I knew the hardest thing in the world was gonna be, "Okay, here's your next task. It's gonna be you guys being apart." But I think what Kristen really needs is some time for herself where she isn't there every moment taking care of Frankie, for her own benefit, and also for her to see he can exist without her. That's a little scary. Gotta be scary to Kristen. Inhale. Expand. Surrender. Tony showed me that I need to grieve when I need to be affected by the situation. And now he's helping me see that it's okay to enjoy myself. Excellent. Well done. These are my favorite Rugby prizes. This is the gold medal that we got in Beijing from the Paralympics with the USA team. And then my wife is eight and a half months pregnant. This is my favorite picture of him so far, even though he's not even out yet. But you can see him. He was the size of a blueberry right there, just a little black dot. That's like, keep that up. Away from the mantelpiece. When Andy told me that his wife was pregnant, instantly things started rushing through my mind, like, "How? Why?" And then in comes Mandy, his wife, and she's ready to pop at any moment's notice. And it really kind of changes your perspective on what's possible. Family is one of my big things for the future. But for my wife, they have to deal with the baby and deal with me when I'm not, you know, I don't feel like you should short anything in your life because you're in a chair. And you know, kids are just part of that. And what a kid wants more than anything is your love and attention. And you know, we can give that as good as anybody. Definitely. Why do I think also you'd look at it as there's not limitations? I don't like there were limitations, but you make modifications. And to think that it couldn't happen or it maybe shouldn't happen, I think it's almost ridiculous because no one's perfect. I mean, you're not, or not. No one is. And we just started trying, and we were fortunate to end up right here. Knowing that there were still possibilities and I can still have a family made me feel that things are definitely looking up.
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Frank's been practicing now for a week, but this is a real game. This is gonna be the real test now. We're gonna find out what he's really made of. And Frank doesn't know this, but I'm gonna surprise him and bring Kristen and his family to watch. Just kind of do that same thing that we showed you in practice. When you battle and download, trying to tie it up, try to work the ball to you a little bit, give it back. The environment, the court. Okay, the murderball game is gonna happen. I don't know what these guys are thinking. I'm just gonna be in sheer terror.
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So I call Kristen up. It's time to be with your man again. And she gives out a little shriek, right? I said, "Where did you meet me?" Down an Oceanside. A hottie stranger. So nice to see it. Ma. Now, you know, when we first did this process, I didn't separate you guys willy-nilly. But I want to free you from thinking of him as if he's a piece of glass, okay? Because he's not. And he's gonna show you that by his own experience of what he's done the last 10 days. They missed Frank incredibly. I just wanted to see him and to hold him and have him kiss me. You could try. Hey, Frank. Hey, baby. How you doing? I'm getting a lot. I thought going to Fiji was crazy. Then I thought jumping out of a plane was crazy. Now Frank playing quad rugby, that's just absolutely insane. I can't believe you're doing this. It'd be fun. So there's some other people that are here also, dude, watching you play murderball. Aaron, your best man, is here, and so are your parents. Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom. Love you, Mommy. What do you think of this? I'm flabbergasted. You guys ready? Oh my gosh, my heart's beating for this. All right, let's play some murderball.
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I don't know. I love it.
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I was fully scared, afraid. I thought, "What the heck is he doing out there?" But he had a big smile on his face, and he was chasing that ball, and he was having a good time. This is something he wouldn't have done before. You got Paul coming right? Frank. There's Frank out there in the middle of this game, pumping down here like crazy. He did it all with will, and he really just expanded everybody's mind about what Frank was capable of. He's stronger than the man who was in the room. Would we bounce? Yes. He's incredibly strong and incredibly proud of it.
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At the end of the game, we brought all the family and friends together. You know, hearing everyone's perspective about how proud they were of Frank and how incredible and how they didn't think he could do any of these things. It was inspiring. What an incredible family. William, most important things, besides cheering him on, is to realize that so often, out of our love for someone, we don't want them to struggle. And sometimes the worst thing we can do for those we love is the things that they could or should do for themselves. And then we end up becoming the handicap. The best thing you can do for Frank sometimes is to let them struggle. And it sounds funny, but we've let him struggle, and then he figures a way out, and then that's not a struggle anymore. So you're playing the role of loving wife sometimes best by maybe turning your back and leaving the room and let Frank figure it out for himself because he can do it. I can see. I shed. And I'll promise to work on it. So then, what comes next is the dreams you had before this happened. I was dreaming about my racetrack before I got hurt. My dream was to take this old truck I had bought for almost nothing and take it to a couple of desert races and just do something that I had dreamed of since I was a little kid. But I know I'll never grab that truck, and I know that truck won't get done. Where is your race truck? San Luis Obispo, in pieces. A million pieces. No, it's not. It's at home, waiting for you in your garage. And when you get home, your friends and family, your best man here, Aaron, are all gonna work with you to rebuild. And then I'm gonna meet you in the desert, and you're gonna drive the son of a gun. I'm gonna be in the right seat. So you better do a damn good job. That is the next step. It makes me nervous. I've been in plenty of vehicles with Frank where the brakes went out or we lost something, and I don't know what punctured an oil pan, and we had to jump out of it. Should I be concerned sitting at the right? Yeah. I'm ready as I'll ever be. It's good for all of us to remember that no matter what external limitation there may be out there in our lives, that most of the things that we want to really accomplish, we can still accomplish with good friends, hard work, and some ingenuity. Wow.
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This isn't just about building Frank's truck. This is about Frank realizing that he never has to give up on his dreams.
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Let's get new brake hoses. What is that about? An 8-inch or a 10-inch? Oh, look, he's already got your hand controls figured out. You got to wait eight more years though. We're currently in the garage. We're putting gas in the truck, and we're about to fire her up. She hasn't run in probably a year and a half. We'll see if she fires. This could be a really big thing if she doesn't. Can you give it a little throttle with the hand throttle? Just push it down.
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Put your hands on my wrists. One on each wrist. So, okay. Go. I had mixed emotions when I saw Frank get into his truck for the first time. I was nervous, but also excited for him to get the feel of sitting in the seat, holding the steering wheel. And you couldn't have taken that smile off his face.
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Oh. [Applause] And I was so happy for him. All my fears went away, and it was just pure excitement, like Christmas morning for him in my truck.
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I didn't think I'd ever get done.
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Perfect. I never thought I'd drive my truck again. I'm ecstatic. This is gonna happen, and it's gonna happen now. I think that'll work. This really is a dream come true. Pretty awesome. Today's the day. On the surface, you could say Frank got to go through more physical breakthroughs. But honestly, any breakthrough you're gonna have in your life starts with a change in your beliefs. Promise me you haven't taken it out yet. I have not taken it out yet. Ready to rock. I'm ready. Okay, let's do it. One way to change your belief is try to work on your head. The other way is just experience something that destroys your old belief system. After you've done it, your brain goes, "I can't have that limiting belief cause I've done it." Alright, ready, big man?
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Oh, let me give you some advice. Please push your feet into the floor when you see a bump coming up. Feel free to grab the roll bar underneath that pad in case something does go wrong. You know what you got. Frank.
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I'm really nervous about driving the truck, and you know, I was like, "Just don't crash. Just don't crash. Just don't crash."
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Academy. I felt like I could walk on water right then. It was such a powerful moment that I can't really put it into words. Well, give this. Do it. I've always believed there are highs and lows in life. My accident was an extremely low point, and this is the part where things start to go back up. Just felt so incredible. Thing. This is the same man who felt like he was completely trapped and couldn't leave his house. It's beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. Well, you did it. You both did it. How do you feel about your man right now? Here, you look at him. I think he's amazing in every single way. I'm so proud of him. We're all proud of you. All of us are very proud of it. I do have one more big surprise for you all. Your family and friends feel bad about how your first wedding happened. So your family, your friends are right here right now.
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I invited Frank and Kristen to the Wadsworth Theater as the last step in the journey. They've had such transformation. The final piece is really more of a celebration and a chance for them to kind of pay it forward a little bit. And also, I had a surprise waiting for them that you need a large group to pull off.
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Listen, I want to thank you all for coming here tonight. We're here to celebrate two people's lives who are extremely special to me. And this couple had an experience that probably is extreme by anybody's standards. The best day of their life, the happiest day of their life, their wedding day became the most tragic day of their life. But my own personal belief is, your story is not where you start, it's where you take it to. I'd like you to please give it an amazing, warm welcome to Frank and Kristen.
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It's a very surreal thing to look around the auditorium and see so many people. I just keep looking at Frank and saying, "What is going on? What is going on?" This journey of yours has been quite amazing. You've made such huge changes and transformations, both of you. What's happened? What's real now? What's possible now? We went through all these adventures, and I got to do a lot of things I never thought I'd do again. I can't imagine anything holding us back anymore. That's awesome. So all your family and friends feel bad about how your first wedding happened and wanted to kind of erase that memory and provide a new one. And they feel like you got a new life, so you should have a new wedding.
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The curtains opened, and our bridal party came down. Everyone that was there with us that was with us again assembled in one place. And we had a dream wedding again. This is faster and Carla to use the person who married them the first time. And we have on stage in turn our wedding party that was there in Mexico. And with that, and when you take over.
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Kristen, we invite you in this moment to tell Frank how you feel about him now and how you feel about your future together. I love you more today than ever. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm ready for it. I love you and I'm amazed every day by your strength and how you hold together. I just know we'll be together forever.
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It is my real joy to pronounce you once again husband and wife. Frank and Kristen Alioto.
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When I first heard that word, quadriplegic, I couldn't imagine anything going right again. I really just want to say thank you. To tell you, I can't put into words. I thank you deep enough, and it's significant enough. It's a love story for me. It's about two people that went to hell together, but their love for each other kept them going. They could have easily pulled apart. We're all gonna face challenges, and Frank and Kristen are just beautiful examples of what the human spirit can do with encouragement, and some faith, and and some will.
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And I could go back in time to the moment in the pool, I would tell myself, "It's going to be okay. Everything will be okay." Because everything is okay.
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