Transcription
Hello ladies and welcome back to another episode of Get them Girl, a girl's guide to relationships, femininity, dating, polarity, and attraction.
Okay, so we have a very important topic today. Okay, ladies, today we are going to be talking about vetting men. How do you vet a man? Okay, because I've been seeing comments and I feel like the issue that we're kind of running into is women think that they are vetting a man and they're really not. They think, um, you know, that they're checking him out and, you know, all of these different things and making sure he's the one, but in reality, they're actually not, right, ladies? So, I want to kind of get into some specifics of how you know that you're vetting a man and honestly, how to know that you're not, right? So that we don't get things confused when it comes to this topic, especially in the comments of the last video. I think, I think we need to get an understanding of how you vet and what act, what that looks like, right, ladies?
So, what I'm going to say is, and and a lot of people aren't going to like this. We have to get out of this thing where we, where we feel like the woman hasn't made a wrong choice. The fact of the matter is, we sometimes in dating choose the wrong men. Yes, sometimes we make the wrong choice. Okay, ladies. And I know that's hard to hear and I know you don't want to accept it because some women have the viewpoint of, it's not that I made a wrong choice. It just, it's just that he wasn't where he needed to be or he, um, he ended up being the wrong man because of his own intentions. I get that. But here's the thing. The fact that you chose him is your choice and your choice alone. Right? And so in that instance, I'm sorry, but you made the wrong choice, right? And so in that, we have to be realistic. We have to take responsibility for that. I can't sugarcoat it for you ladies and be like, "No, you didn't make a wrong choice. It's him." No, sometimes we make the wrong choice. Right, ladies? So, let's get into that.
So, if you are dating a man, here's the thing. A lot of times, y'all will say that y'all are vetting men, but there will be red flags that are popping up as you're getting to know this man that you outright ignore. If you are ignoring red flags, if he does things that make you say, "Hmm," but then you bypass them and you just let them go, you are not vetting. You are not vetting. So, when we have the conversation of vetting and you say, "I vetted him. I, I, I talked to him. I got to know him. I got to know his character and his personality." If you blatantly ignored red flags, you weren't doing your vetting. You were just accepting, right? You were just accepting and hoping for the best. But in reality, in that moment, you were not vetting that person. Okay? So, ignoring red flags is a big, big, big sign that you are not actually vetting a person, but you're actually just trying to hope that their potential turns out better. That's two different things, ladies.
If you find yourself not liking things about a person's character, this isn't even just red flags. If you find yourself not liking things about a person's character, about their personality, about their lifestyle, and you start to change things about yourself so that they fit you more, you are not vetting. You are not vetting. If you are doing that, you again are accepting the way this person is. You're not vetting them. You're accepting everything that they are. And you're trying to acquiesce to what they are. You're trying to change yourself and your lifestyle and drop things and pick things up to fit them better. Ladies, if you are doing this, you are not vetting. So again, when I have this conversation with you in coaching and you say you vetted him, but turns out he's shown you all these things that you don't like, but you changed yourself to fit him. I'm going to tell you, you did not vet. Okay, ladies, these are the discussions we have to have cuz I think a lot of you think you're vetting and you're not.
And of course, I have my ladies who say, "Well, what if he's lovebombing?" Like, "What if he's come in, he's had these great intentions at the beginning, he loves me, he's talking about marriage and all these kind of things at the beginning, but it ends up being false?" What about in those situations where he's done everything right at the beginning, right? And later on, you find out that it was just love bombing. Radical responsibility is going to say, and I want you to have radical responsibility, ladies. I really do. I want this for you. Radical responsibility is what I want you to take. And I want you to say to yourself, when he came in and when he was love bombing, did I actually try to pace him in this or was I just accepting everything and accepting all the things and the love bombing and accepting? Cuz people can't love bomb us, right, ladies? And so, were you pacing yourself in this relationship when he was doing all the love bombing and telling you he loved you and telling you he wanted to get married? Were you like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We only been talking for a month. Let's get to know each other some more. Let's make sure this is going to be right." Or were you one of the people who jumped in head first as soon as he said the word marriage?
Because I'm going to tell you again, and I, and I, I hate to be this person because it sounds like victim blaming. No, I fully realize that he is in the wrong for doing that. But what I'm saying is, what you allow to happen to you is what you allow to happen to you. So, were you one of these people that as soon as he said marriage, got excited and started planning your whole life and all these different things? Or were you the woman who, once he said marriage after three weeks of knowing you, were you the woman to say, "Let's slow this down. Let me actually get to know you first." Okay, let me actually make sure that you fit me first. We're moving a little too fast. Let's slow this thing down so that we can get to know each other, right? Because that's how you avoid love bombing, ladies. That's how, that's how you slow that thing down. Because as feminine women, we can pace this thing. When a man is coming on strong and he's fast and he's talking about commitment after a month and all, we can slow that down. Ladies, are you slowing it down or are you just letting them come in and tell you fairy tales and you believe them, right? Or are you pacing yourself?
Again, if you are not pacing yourself in the beginning of these relationships and a man comes in sounding like he has all these great intentions and marriage and all these kind of things and he's moving fast and he ends up love bombing you. I'm going to say, "I'm sorry, my good sis, but you did not vet." Okay. What you did was you listened to all the fairy tales and all the stories and all these wants and that he has for y'all in the first month or two of dating and you got excited and you wanted that for yourself, but you did not vet him. Okay, ladies, I'm telling you a hard truth. Y'all and y'all going to hate me. Please don't hate me in the comments, but I'm trying to get you to understand what is and what is not vetting, right? Because I think sometimes we think we are vetting and we're not.
So, am I saying that in dating, in life, nothing bad can happen to you unless you allow it? No, that's not what I'm saying. But what I am saying is a lot of the trauma that we deal with, a lot of the issues and situations and and problems that come up, especially in dating, they can be avoided, right? There are just those particular situations where it's very, it's very rare, but you have done everything right. This is just something that has happened to you. There was nothing you can do to change it. It just is what it is and it's happened and you got to deal with it. And for that, I'm sorry. That does happen. But what I'm going to say is, for most of my ladies that I talk to, for most of the dating scenarios that I coach women through, usually there are things in these scenarios where the woman usually just outright ignored things. She didn't ask the question. She didn't make the point. She didn't set the pace. She didn't move intentionally. And that's usually what it is. So, I'm not saying that there are things and everything is avoidable and all of this and there's never, never, never anything that can happen to you that you didn't cause. No, no, no, no, no. That is not what I'm saying by any means. But what I'm telling you is a lot of the situations that we find ourselves in, majority of them, they really, they really are avoidable situations if we handle them with intention. Right, ladies? And that's what I'm trying to get across to you. And I'm saying this out of love and I'm saying this out of care. I don't want you to think that I'm just like on here like, you're bad. You're a bad um picker and it's not that. But what I'm saying is, let's figure out how to move intentionally so that these avoidable things, we don't have problems with those. I'm not going to say there's things that are unavoidable. But what I'm going to tell you is the things that can be avoided, a lot of these scenarios that I keep hearing about, let's be intentional so we don't keep winding up with those. Okay, that's what I want.
So, let's hop into how you initially start vetting. We're going to start having longer conversations about this, but let's go over some basics. Basic vetting, before you're even dealing with the man, the first thing you got to do is decide what you want in a man, right? Because if you don't have the guidelines for what you want, when you go into vetting, you have nothing to compare them against. You have no guidelines to put them up against, right, ladies? So, going into it, you have to already know what it is that you want. Okay? And so, even when it comes to when you first meet a man, you need to know, when I first meet a man, I would prefer it to be like this. I want it to be paced. Okay? I want it to be levelheaded. I want us to have multiple dates. I want him to be able to hold conversation and be open in his communication. You got to know even from when you first start talking to a man what you expect so that when a man comes to you and presents to you and he doesn't present like that and he presents to you with all this fast stuff and let's get married and all fast, you can look at that and say, "This is not what I said I wanted." That's vetting, ladies. Even from the very start, you have to be that intentional to that. When I first meet him, I want it to be paced like this. I want us to be able to do these things so that we can get to know each other. And any man that's not willing to do that, he weeds himself out. Those love bombers that you keep dealing with, that weeds those guys out, right, ladies?
Once you get past that, you need to be looking at character traits that are very important to you. Character traits. Meaning, do you want somebody that's very much so a communicator? Do you want someone that is a heavy planner? Do you want someone super structured? Do you want someone who is a provider? Do you want someone who, um, is very loving, very caring, very, very in tune with your emotions? Do you want someone who is kind of in touch with their feminine side? Do you want someone who does this? What do you want? Right, ladies? Identify what those core things are. How do you identify them? Go back to your past relationships and I want you to think about the things that you said, "I wish he did this." Not like, not like these little, "I wish he lifted more," and all that kind of stuff. I want you to be like, "Huh, in my past relationship, what was a major, major thing that I was looking at that I wish that person had that I kept saying to myself over and over?" Some women, most women are like, "I really, really wish that he would communicate better." That's usually the issue. Well, if you know that this has been recurring for you, one of the top traits you need to be looking for is a communicator, right, ladies? That's how you make sure you get those character traits. Okay, look back at your past situations. Were there situations where a man was doing something that you absolutely loved? Okay, something that you were like, "I don't care if it's not him, the next man still needs to be able to do this exact thing. I loved this." That needs to be a character trait that you pay very much attention to when you're dating these men. Does he have this trait? Ladies, you have to be that intentional. That is vetting. You are not just going and seeing what his personality is like when you're vetting. You are taking what you know that you want for yourself and you are looking at these men and making sure that they actually fall in line with these very specific intentional things, okay, that you say that you want. And here's the thing, there's multiple personalities and multiple men that will fit what you say that you want. They're just going to do it with their own flavor. Right, ladies? That doesn't mean your standard is too high. That doesn't mean that you being too rough. You keep that standard because it has never benefited a woman to drop her standard. I'm telling you that now. Be intentional with yourself. Get down on a piece of paper what it is that you want this thing to look like. Right, ladies? Be intentional so that when you go into dating, you can measure the man up against the things that you know that you need from a person in a relationship. That's vetting. Okay? Does his personality traits and his character traits match what it is that you said you need in a partner? You need to be looking at that. If they don't, do not ignore it. Do not just glaze past it and say, "Oh, I could deal with it." Don't do that. That person needs to be weeded. Filter that person out and get the person who does what it is that you say that you want because gone are the days where you get in a relationship and you have to explain what it is that you need to a person. You are never fully going to be happy having to keep explaining the same thing to a person. Get you somebody that already does it. That's vetting. You measure what they already are coming to you with without you having to tell them. You measure what they're coming to you with against the things that you say that you want. Vetting is deciding in detail what it is that you want out of a person and then looking at the man that you're dating at the time and measuring him up against it. And if he's not meeting these things, right, ladies, if he's not meeting those important core things that you absolutely need for a person, getting rid of him, right? And not ignoring red flags, but if something pops up, having a conversation about it, and if you're noticing that these are excuses that are being made or he's just not that kind of person, or he can't communicate about it, getting rid of that person. You have to actually compare him to what you say that you want and need in a relationship. That's how you vet. You have to be very, very intentional. Ladies, I hope that this is making sense.
So, that's your bare minimum. You got to start there. And I'm going to leave it there because that's already a big task. Ladies, you need to get that. This is your homework. Actually, if you want to learn how to start to better vet men, your first thing you need to do is get a piece of paper and write down the things that you need in a partner. The things you need. Not just, "I want him to have a six-pack and be six foot." No, the things that you need, the personality traits that you need, the characteristics of a man that you need. And then I want you to write, "What do you want that relationship to feel like to you?" Do you want it to be a very even-keel relationship where you feel provided and protected and you feel very secure and it's not about all this big passion but about security? Or do you want to be in a relationship that feels very lovey-dovey and it's passionate? You need to write down what you want your relationship to feel like. Okay, ladies, think about the relationship in your head and write down every detail that you need from a relationship. This is your homework because this is going to be the framework in which you vet men with. When men come into your life, this is going to be the framework that you use to look at them and say, "Yay!" or nay. Right, ladies? This is where we're gonna start. This is your first step. This is your homework. Okay, ladies.
So, we're going to leave it there because I already feel like that's a big first step. But vetting is about to become a series. So, I actually want y'all to go ahead and do this homework and get intentional about this because gone are the days of just saying, "I didn't make the wrong choice. It just went wrong." No, we're about to get intentional. Okay, ladies. So, this is your homework. This is where we're going to start. This is phase one of vetting and we're going to really get into it. Okay, ladies. So, hopefully y'all don't hate me. Listen, I'm telling y'all this with all love and all honesty. We got to be responsible for our own love lives. Okay? We can control that. We can control that. Some things, a very small percentage of things may be things that just go crazy and we have nothing to do with them and it's just, it just happens. But a lot of these things are things well within our control if we handle them correctly. If we move with intention. Okay? And that's what I want to get us to. So ladies, do not help me. Don't, don't, don't hate me. Okay? Do not hate me. I'm doing this for, I have the best intentions. I promise. Okay, ladies.
So go ahead, get in the comments. Let me know how you like this video. Let me know if this is starting to help you understand what vetting actually is. Okay, ladies. I know this was a longer one, but we're going to go into some breakdowns over the next few weeks of what vetting actually is. And so, let me know if this was a good start. Did it help you understand, okay, what actual vetting is? Let me know that down in the comments. I want to thank y'all for watching another episode of Get Them Girl, and I will see y'all in the next one. Bye.
[Music] Heat. Hey, Heat. [Music]