Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taban, and this is Psycha: Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is "The Beginning of the End."
So, I'm going to be talking today specifically to the men in the audience. Gentlemen, I'm going to help you prevent your relationships from going off the rails. Let's get to it.
Now, everybody is different, and every relationship is going to be unique to the individuals involved. But if you've been following my work, you know that in general, I believe that relationships are more successful and sustainable when the man is the captain and the adored, and when the woman is the passenger and the adorer. If you're unfamiliar with these terms, then you should read my book, "The Value of Others," where I go into these concepts in extensive detail. And I believe this because when the man is in this position, he maintains frame. Frame, in this context, is authority vested with power to dictate the terms and structure of the relationship, how it is arranged, how it unfolds, what it entails, who does what, what are the privileges and responsibilities of each, etc. When men control the frame, relationships have a much better chance of being mutually satisfying and enduring. And regardless of the mixed messages that they give men these days, the vast majority of women still want a guy that they can look up to, to be the confident leader that initiates and directs the relationship.
However, in about 99% of the relationships that I've personally examined, the woman is more powerful than the man, which means that she controls the frame of the relationship. And I think this has to do with why, despite the fact that I've looked at hundreds and hundreds of relationships, I can count the number of relationships that I would consider happy, like relationships that I personally would want to be in, on one hand. And I don't think it's a coincidence that in every one of those relationships, the man was more powerful than the woman. So, if relationships are more satisfying and enduring when the man retains frame, for both the man and the woman, why is it the case that women so often control it?
Now, there are two main ways that this occurs. In the first case, it happens right from the beginning. The man, who may not be a full-fledged captain, cedes control of the relationship to the woman as an enticement to enter into a relationship with him. In the book, I call this the "sexual strategy of the fairy boo captain." This is how less attractive men beat out their intersexual competition. They offer women privileges that their more attractive counterparts wouldn't. Ultimately, the frustration of not getting more of what they want from more attractive men, in combination with the gratification of getting more of what they want, at least in the short term, from less attractive men, can motivate women to enter into relationships with less attractive men where they can more or less dictate terms from the get-go. Whether they're aware of it or not, these men understand that "happy wife, happy life" is the cost of doing business.
However, this is not the only way that women come to control the frame of a relationship. In some cases, the man enters into the relationship as a full-fledged captain, invested with the legitimate authority such a position enjoys by the woman in question. But over time, slowly and insidiously, the balance of power shifts so completely that the man no longer recognizes his own life and can't quite remember how things turned out this way. In point of fact, most men control the frame at the beginning of the courtship process and lose it through small concessions as the relationship progresses. Consider your first date with your girlfriend or wife. Chances are good that you approached her with a plan: "I'd like to take you out. Let's meet at this time, at this place, on this day, and this is what I'd like the two of us to do." And she agreed to that plan. You created an experience for her to enter into. That's frame. It's very unlikely that you would have been able to secure that opportunity without creating such an experience, and it's even less likely that she went through the trouble of creating an experience for you to enter into. So, most relationships begin with the man in charge. And just so we say the quiet part out loud, that's why the woman's there. Women reward men who use frame to create an experience for them to enter into. They do not chase down men who don't or won't do this.
This is important to keep in mind throughout the duration of the relationship, as men will be tempted to surrender frame in a variety of ways over time. This temptation occurs in two primary ways. Sometimes it's the temptation to escape an uncomfortable emotional situation created by the woman in a bid for more power and control. As I discussed in "The Easter Egg Hunt," these bids typically follow the PSA system of emotional manipulation or pity, shame, anger. PSA. No matter the particular thumbscrew the woman applies, emotional pressure on the man, who then seeds frame as a way of buying his way out of a difficult dynamic. As I discussed in the book, in its extreme manifestation, this takes the form of an attempted hijacking, in which the woman threatens to leave or divorce if her demands are not met.
If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, "The Value of Others." Over the course of 432 pages, I dive deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read "The Value of Others," you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description.
However, the temptation to surrender frame doesn't always come from the outside. Many, if not most, men seduce themselves into doing so. However, this is only possible if the man becomes emotionally invested, which induces a distortion in his thinking, typically by activating his latent romanticism. This romanticism, in turn, either motivates him to sacrifice more and more of his life for his one and only, or tempts him into the ideal of equal partnership. This might sound surprising, but as I've discussed previously, partnership is the most prevalent male romantic ideal in our culture today. This might sound appealing in the abstract, and many might disagree with their words, but most women don't want to be either pedestalized or partnered. Think back to what I said just a few moments ago about the early stages of courtship. The woman is there because the man created an experience for them to enter into. Most likely, the experience did not occur at her convenience, which is what would be necessary if being pedestalized, nor did it occur as the result of some collaborative process, which is what would be necessary if partnership were preferred. It occurred because the man invited the woman into an experience that he created using his power, autonomy, creativity, and resources. Women teach men that this works by responding positively to this structure, and men deviate from what works at their own risk.
So, how exactly does this happen? I'm going to describe the moment when the man begins to seed frame to the woman so that you can recognize it and respond to it appropriately. I call this moment "the beginning of the end" because failing to respond appropriately puts the relationship on a slippery slope toward dissolution, or worse, an expensive, unsatisfying marriage. This occurs when: A) the man is sufficiently emotionally invested, and B) the woman directly or indirectly wants something from the man that he authentically doesn't want to give. The request could be big: "Let's get married," "Let's move in together," or small: "Let's go antiquing on Sunday," "Let's go to brunch with all my couple friends." But in general, the requests start small and escalate over time.
Now, if the man weren't emotionally invested, this wouldn't be a problem. He would just say no, because as I talk about in "Women Are a Roll of the Dice," he isn't gambling with more than he can afford to lose. However, once he crosses a certain point, he comes to believe that he can no longer say no, even though he would like to, because he fears the consequences of doing so. He fears the discomfort that will arise in himself in seeing his woman angry or disappointed. He fears the pain that he would experience were she to leave him. Once that fear takes hold, which is the consequence of his overinvestment, he is no longer a free man, and he increasingly abandons his authenticity in favor of emotional defensiveness. He's trying to protect himself.
The issue, of course, is that this doesn't work. That fear is a liar. It lies. It only takes like 10 seconds to see through the lie, namely, if you actually needed to give a woman certain things that you don't authentically want to give in order to prevent her from leaving, then she would have left by now. You haven't given her those things in the past, and you've gotten this far. You've abided in your authenticity, and she was attracted to you because of it. So, on some level, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, man. There is no evidence that not doing something you feel conflicted about will threaten the basis of the relationship, and a lot of evidence that doing what you authentically want to do will secure the levels of success and stability that you've enjoyed up until now.
So, that's how the fear lies. Just like the initial stages of courtship, it's generally a much better idea for men to maintain frame over the course of the relationship. This is what I'll do, this is what I won't do, and allowing the woman to either opt in or out as she so chooses. Of course, not getting what they want in the short term can be frustrating and disappointing to a woman, and that's okay. That's okay. She's entitled to her feelings, and you don't have to make her feel differently. Let her feel how she's going to feel. It's not going to kill her, and it won't kill you to let her experience her emotions. She's an adult, she can handle her feelings. You do not need to make her feel better, and you do not need to give her what she wants just to avoid this experience. That said, there may always be a pull in men to do one or the other. However, I bring this up because it is so, so much easier to resist these emotional impulses when they first present themselves. As difficult as it may be, it is always better to fight these battles when they are still small, because they will only get bigger and more difficult to win with reinforcement.
We don't like to talk about it, but being in a position of power often means that you have to deny and reject others. Consider a professional relationship between an employer and an employee. Can you imagine a company in which the employees were allowed to dictate their own compensation packages? Since everyone pretty much believes they deserve more than they receive, it's very likely that that strategy would make that company insolvent very quickly, and then everyone would be out of a job, including the employer. Whether employees are aware of it or not, their continued employment often depends on their not getting what they want. Of course, this is a balance. Give people everything that they want, and you threaten the basis of the relationship; it becomes insolvent. However, give people too little of what they want, and they protest and leave. That said, while the second option is potentially inconvenient, it should be preferred to the first, as it doesn't also result in the destruction of the company. So, it's better to err on the side of giving too little than too much.
In general, the price of getting most of what you want is the willingness to forgo getting everything that you want. Remember, a woman who sees you as her best option is not going to leave her when you tell her no. On the other hand, the more you tell her yes, that is, the more you give her what she wants, the more expensive and difficult the relationship will become for you. Catering to her desires, usually due to emotional overinvestment, increasingly transfers control of the frame to the woman, which often signals the beginning of the end of the relationship. However, this can be prevented by recognizing and tolerating your own fear and choosing not to surrender to its behavioral impulses.
What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, please, guys, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know somebody who needs to hear this, because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. You want more? You can join my free weekly newsletter. I write original content for that every week. You can book an individual one-on-one paid consultation on my website. There's my book, "The Value of Others." It's all about relationships. And my member community, "The Captain's Quarters," where I do group consultations every month and do Q&As with invited guests. Links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.