Transcription
Is there a certain type of person that's more susceptible to being gaslit?
The people who are most susceptible to gaslighting are ones who need co-regulation. People who are anxious attachment, meaning they need uh are you okay? Are you good? Do you need anything? Are you sure you're not okay? Versus the people who are more avoidant. And three, the people who are typically more insecure.
So do you think women get gaslit more than men?
Yes.
But women still gaslight women, right?
Of course. Women are just as capable of gaslighting. Everybody gaslights whether they know it or not. They have in the past. Most likely they can think of a time in the past where they did without knowing it. So many women say, "I feel like I'm in this workplace." And they are doubting my competence. They're doubting my ability to make decisions. I'm not being believed. I'm being put down. It's not even their experience. It's just because of their gender. And those are real questions. Does that mean that that's gaslighting? Probably not. not all the time, but for me to say, "Ah, that's that's a dumb complaint." Uh, you know, that's just complaining. In many ways, when you start denying that reality, then you have the same problem. Gaslighting is not something to be taken lightly. But I will say people often apply to the wrong thing. They'll use it as a sense of saying, "You're saying something I don't like, so you're gaslighting me." We're in an argument and you're pointing out something that hurt your feelings. Oh, that's gaslighting.
It's almost a form of gaslighting.
Exactly. I've never met somebody who talked about their ex without saying my narcissistic ex. You know, I finally just got out of a narcissistic relationship. It's never us. It's always the other person. And so, there's these words that we can kind of pepper and salt in the sentences that are also still another form if we look at it. A form of self-preservation. Look at all their bad and don't look at mine.
Hey, before you go, remember this. A lie changes a fact, but gaslighting changes your reality. It makes you question your memory, your instincts, even your sanity. And it doesn't hit all at once. It's slow, subtle, until you're the one apologizing for things you didn't do. Watch for the signs. Confusion after every conversation, feeling like you're always the problem. Needing to write things down just to trust yourself. That's not normal. That's control. So, here's the move. Don't chase their version. Stay grounded. say, "I remember things differently." And leave it there. Because the person who reacts the least controls the frame. And once you see it, you stop playing their game.
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Is there a certain type of person that's more susceptible to being gaslit?
The people who are mo most susceptible to gaslighting are ones who gaslighting isn't just lying. It is a masterclass in mind control. Anybody's ever questioned, "Am I crazy? Am I the crazy one?" I was sitting back here just worrying about you the whole entire time. They get very mad. Why? Cuz they're very afraid.
How do you deal with somebody who's a gaslighter?
I like to use >> I'm in control of me only. I'm nonreactive because they feed on those emotional reactions. >> Stay. get away. I remember things differently and leave it there.
The difference between gaslighting and lying. Lying is a surface level of I could tell you instead of having a silver cup, this is a red cup. Well, that would be a lie. Gaslighting is I'm trying to alter your reality into mine. I'm trying to make you question how other people perceive you, including myself, how you perceive yourself. Anybody's ever questioned, "Am I crazy? Am I the crazy one? Is it me? Is it Is it everybody? Most likely, you're probably being gas lit.
Gaslighting isn't just lying. It is a masterclass in mind control. It is a slow, deliberate process where the manipulator distorts reality, denies the obvious, and makes their victim question their own sanity. And it starts with these subtle jabs. That never happened. You're imagining things. You're way too sensitive. But over time, those little moments add up to leaving the victim disoriented, doubting their own memory, and feeling completely dependent on the narcissist for truth. Why do they do it? It's control, its power, and of course, the applause that comes with being the star of your reality. The more confused and insecure you are, the easier it is for them to dictate the script of your life.
How do you know? Am I being gas lit? If you feel you leave conversations more confused, if you feel like you are always doubting, am I the one? Is it me? Am I crazy? Am I the problem? Whenever you have that high sense of self-reflection onto you, not on the whole moment, not on the whole conversation, not the overview. Instead, you have that self-reflection onto you that you must be the problem. If you continue to start to feel the need to write things down right after they happen, all of a sudden you don't trust yourself. We just had a conversation. Now I need to write it down. Oh, I need to make that note. Otherwise, you're not going to trust yourself of what you're saying. Those are high internal factors that something else is going on. Because healthy conversation doesn't need proof of the truth. Whenever you feel like you are constantly going, I feel like I'm the only one that's pointing out there's a problem and all of a sudden when I point out a problem, I'm the issue now. Now it's about me and you're starting to feel guilty for bringing things up. That's a problem. Any of that kind of stuff is high likelihood. I would say red flag of somebody potentially gaslighting you.
Someone's looking to control you.
How would they use fear, obligation, guilt as a real example? What would that look like?
So I'll say, Lisa, the last time that you went out, some weird stuff happened and it made me feel awful. You went out for your girls night. I didn't hear back from you. You didn't text me for like 3 hours in a row. I don't know. Maybe it was bad service or something, but I sat back here at the house worried if you were dead. I was sitting back here just worrying about you the whole entire time because you didn't check in with me. You didn't tell me where you were going. You didn't make sure you're in an area where I could even see your GPS location. And it makes me wonder like, am I in a relationship with someone who even cares about how I'm feeling? That's exactly what that would look like.
How do you deal with somebody who's a gaslighter?
I like to use is you use the phrase, "I see things differently or I remember things differently." Those two phrases are the key. So, let's put it in terms of bite-sized chunks. Number one, stand your ground. Meaning, you cannot start to chase whatever lie they're telling you. Gas lighters lie. That's their tactic. They want you to chase wherever they go. You ever seen like a laser porn? The cats chase it everywhere. It's that they're just holding it. They're wanting you to go from place to place to place or they dig a hole and they're expecting you to fill it. It's like, "This is my lie." And you're going, "That's not true." and you start filling it and then they tell another lie and they start filling it. You just need to let them fall in the hole. There is no sense in trying to justify or try to fix their lie cuz that's what they want. The past is their playground. They like to play with it. You ever had a conversation or an argument with somebody's gaslighting? You know what they like to do is try and twist the narrative. They'll say, "No, no, no. If you remember, you said this, I said this." And they'll start to recount every single who said what, who, when, what happened. and they'll do it in a narrative that fits them and you know that's not what's true. That's not what happened. Rather than trying to fix it, put down the shovel and to use the phrase, I remember things differently. You repeat it as many times as you need to. And they can't do anything with that. They can't force you to say anything. They can't create another lie out of that. There's nothing that they can possibly do. And three, if they continue to gaslight you and continue to force that, observe the emotional discrepancy. Meaning people who if they don't feel like you're taking in their lie, they get very mad. Why? Cuz they're very afraid, very exposing. So, they're going to lash out. But see the discrepancy of where the conversation is versus where they're trying to take it. They're starting to yell, they're starting to scream, they're starting to go crazy. That in of itself is all the warning sign you need to just stay, get away. I remember things differently. And leave it there.
What's your advice on how to manage dealing with a sociopath and then how to manage dealing with somebody who you think might be a psychopath?
When they say something that's like gaslighting, manipulative, maybe using fear and obligation together, they're kind of like in this really run-on sentence, which you typically hear, especially with gaslighters. Ask them to repeat it. So the more they repeat it, they have to go back and gaslight again. Ask them to do it again. So they are having to put their thing out there where you get to hear every word again and they've got to make it a lot more public. So they're not just brushing over a bunch of stuff. Looking at any conversation, even if it's not with a sociopath, the person reacting the least to the other person is in charge. The mistake you make in dealing with sociopaths is am I above them? Are they above me right now? Am I being subordinated? That's all concerned for hierarchy and we have to get rid of it. And am I the calmest person in the room? Am I non-reactive? This is all internal. I'm in control of me only. And I'm only worried about those two things. I'm non-reactive because they feed on those emotional reactions. Those are the three things that people are going to use to either get your control, your attention, your approval, your acceptance, whatever else they're trying to get from you is through fog. Fear, obligation, and guilt. When you start seeing it, that's one of the times that you can start calling things out. But you do it in a way that's non-confrontational. So if I have somebody here that says like if you do this again this is going to happen. Then you start calling it out and say wait just so I understand you are wanting me to do this this and this and if I don't do this you're going to do this. So you take all of their manipulation tactics pretend like maybe I don't understand it all the way. Let me break this all down. So I'm taking like this little thing that you sent me in this secured envelope you don't want anybody to look at. I'm like oh hold on a sec. Let's open this up. I'm going to lay all this out on the table so we can all look at it together. And that's one of the best ways to do it.