Transcription
Please help me. My baby has a fever, and I don't know what to do.
"Why don't you sit in the waiting room for a few hours until I am finished reading my magazine?"
"But I am very concerned about my baby, and I need your help. She has been crying all day, has a runny nose, and feels hot. I am only 16, a single mom, and my parents kicked me out."
"I am not interested in your sob story. Maybe if you were not such a skank, you would not be in this situation. I do not appreciate you interrupting me. You're very rude."
"Her fever is 37.6 degrees, and I read on Wikipedia that if her temperature gets too high, that she will have seizures. I don't want anything bad to happen to her."
"You have to be kidding me. You have brought your baby to the emergency room for a fever of 37.6 degrees. Are you a total... I want a doctor to tell me what is wrong with my baby, and my GP costs too much money. I am very worried about my baby."
"Did you give your baby some paracetamol?"
"No, because then you might think that I am lying about my baby having a fever."
"Does your baby have a cough?"
"No."
"Has your baby been more sleepy than usual?"
"No."
"Does your baby have a rash?"
"No."
"Is your baby refusing to feed?"
"No."
"Has your baby had her six-month vaccinations?"
"No, because my neighbor told me that if will give her autism and that she will bash her head against walls and be very noisy."
"Then why have your brought you baby to the emergency room?"
"Because I am very worried about my baby."
"It is not appropriate for you to be here, and you should feel very ashamed of yourself for making sick people wait whilst I ask you a list of useless questions. I just need you to check that my baby is okay. I will do this so that you do not sue me if something bad happens to your baby. When I send you home, I will need you to take your baby out of the seven blankets you have wrapped around her so I can stick a thermometer up her ass and put a very tight cuff around her arm."
"I don't understand why you are doing this to my baby."
"Look, do you want me to check your baby or not? Because I'd be delighted to send you on your way without doing so. I have much more important things to do, like go on my sixth smoko of the morning, read magazines from 2002, call my boyfriend, and get an update on my favorite TV show."
"Please do not hurt her. I love her very much, and she means everything to me."
"Your baby is fine, but our nappy has not been changed. You are an incompetent parent, and I will have Department of Human Services take or from your care as soon as possible."