Transcription
In my old job, I had this friend and manager who was brilliant at evaluating talent and motivating people. He was a big Italian guy from New York, and he had a real Vince Lombardi kind of vibe about him. He could motivate people and inspire them without making them feel less than.
Anyway, we were having some staffing problems, and I brought him in as a consultant to talk to us a little bit about this particular issue, and he did a brilliant job identifying how to evaluate this situation. He talked about the difference between behavior and character, which was something that I'd never really considered before. He said that if the behavior is bad, but the character is good, you have someone that you can work with. But if the character is gone, if the character has devolved into something that is um unusable, then obviously this person has to be fired. And from that point on, I started looking at people in that way.
Now, men, when we're out there looking for women, especially when we're young, I don't know that we use this kind of metric to determine whether a woman is worthwhile. In fact, for some reason, I believe that the biggest reason that most men struggle in their relationships is because they don't do a very good job of vetting the person that they're going to be with. In fact, I would suggest that that is the single biggest hurdle men have when it comes to having a healthy, long-lasting relationship. They're picking the wrong woman. And she's not just the wrong woman. She's a low-character woman. And it's not just a behavior thing. It's much bigger than that. They're they're picking low-value women.
So, let's talk about it. If I see a man who is exhibiting poor ethics, poor behaviors, I can call him out. I can even shame him, humiliate him in a public way if necessary, and everyone's okay with that. There's no problem with calling out a man for his behavior, his ethics, his morals, even his character. But for some reason, if you do the same thing for a woman, or to a woman, if you call her out because of her poor ethics, morals, or behaviors, or god forbid, her character, well, now you're treading on sacred land here. You are going to be called a misogynist. You are the essence of all evil; you are prejudiced against women, which is an absurd idea to even think about. But there's a double standard. There's no question about it. And this double standard so permeates our culture and our society that we're blind to it as men. We don't even see it. We don't even think about it. But it's a serious, serious problem.
One of the most important things that a man can learn in his life is the difference between what he can control and what he cannot control. This is critical because too much time is spent worrying about things that we cannot control. And once you make that distinction, you can focus your energy more on those things that are within your control. You cannot control society. You cannot control feminism. You cannot control women. You cannot control any of that stuff. You can control yourself. You can control your decisions. You can control your state of mind. You can control your intellect. You can control your physical body to a certain extent. Um, so the reason I bring this up is that I notice in the um, comments when I start talking about not blaming women for everything that's ever gone wrong in a man's life, it's not because the women aren't bad or the women aren't poor character or they're not responsible for a lot of the mayhem they cause. They are. They absolutely are. But we can't control that. We cannot control that. We can only control ourselves.
So then the options get narrowed down pretty fast. If you're red pill, that means you have an enlightened view of women and you understand their behaviors. And I certainly am a very big proponent of an enlightened view of the behavior of women. Understanding that there is going to be a lot of variation from one woman to the next. They're not all the same. And labeling them all the same is a sign of ignorance. You can be MGTOW, men going their own way, which basically means you're walking away from women altogether. You don't even want them in your life. And I can definitely understand that. Not having a woman in my life for a long time now, for like 5 years. You like a full-time woman. Yeah, it's delightful. I watched the NFL draft last night until I don't know, midnight. And uh, and enjoyed every minute of it. Not being interrupted, not watching some romantic comedy, not worrying about what she wants to watch. I can. It's a waste of an evening, but I enjoyed it. So, I I I definitely know where you're coming from. And the other thing you can do is you can just sort of ignore them altogether. You can just ignore their behaviors and just go ahead and do your own thing.
So, today I want to talk a little bit more about what we can control as men in our relationships with women, specifically in the selection process, because I think that's where we make the biggest mistake. It's ironic, I think, in some ways that men get all bent out of shape because women are all out there looking for these high-value men. And we all complain, oh, they're looking for, you know, six feet, six-pack, six figures, all that. And for a long time, for a very long time, for thousands of years, it was the other way around. Men were looking for high-value women. I think we've lost our way, and as a result, we've created the monster that we're dealing with today. If we set our standards higher in terms of who we're willing to allow into our lives, then we can shape the entire culture. We can shape the entire society. Right now, I feel like we're in a race to the bottom. You like, like who can find the cheapest, nastiest girl? You know what I mean? And let's put a ring on her finger and then be surprised when she turns into a, you know? Like, come on. Come on, you guys. Just because she'll sleep with you doesn't mean she's a good person. I don't know why that's the primary criteria. It's not. Okay? You cannot allow that to be your primary criteria. Just because you can get your little willie wet doesn't mean she's a good woman. No, it doesn't. You've got to use something more than that. You have got to use something more than that. So today, let's talk more about what those criteria ought to be or what it is we're getting into and why we're getting into it.
So the first and most obvious reason why a lot of men pick the wrong woman is because they have low self-esteem. Let me say that again: Low self-esteem. Why do you have low self-esteem? It's because you have not built out your vision for your life. If you have not created a framework for your life, and because you haven't done that, you don't think you are worthy of a woman. And the reason why you don't think you're worthy of a woman is because you're not. You're not qualified to be dealing with that. It's like that's like dangerous power equipment, and you haven't been trained. You are not ready for this yet. And you're following your natural urges, and you think that because you have this urge that is perfectly acceptable for you to make a commitment to a woman because she'll have sex with you. And that is the worst possible time and the worst possible way to approach a woman. You have got to make yourself as high-value as possible. You have got to have your frame. You've got to, when I say your frame, I'm talking about you've got to have your life set up. You've got to have your career set up, the vision for your life. You've got to have some money in the bank. You've got to really be established in your life and know who you are as a man before you bring a woman into your life. If you get into a relationship with a woman, a committed relationship with a woman, before you have established yourself in these ways, you are headed for disaster. I guarantee it. I guarantee it.
In a video a few months ago, I talked about the white knight complex where the damsel in distress, you know, puts up the the the uh the flag, and we come running and we try to help her out and all that. Um, it's not just about her. Men have this need to be needed. We need to be uh useful in some way. And so when a woman, especially an attractive woman, regardless of her character, we um we want to rush to her her rescue. We want to be the rescuer. You know, it's like I don't know, some kind of Disney we have in our heads. But that need to be needed draws us into relationships that we should not be in. It allows us to get sucked into it. And women know this. So they play the game. You know, they become that damsel in distress so that they can tap into our need to be needed. Next thing you know, you're in a relationship before you're ready. And that's the critical aspect of this. You've got to have your life established before you get into anything at any time. But be aware that this need to be needed creates this crisis event. And these crises then create the excuse for um making bad decisions. No, don't. No, no, no, no, no. Just because there's a crisis, that's the worst time to make a bad decision. You cannot compromise your uh your values and everything just because there's a crisis. You've got to stay true to yourself all the time. If you allow yourself to fall into that kind of behavior, you're going to pay for it dearly.
The fear of being alone. Oh my gosh. This is one that um you just got to get over. You know, this is probably the biggest fear that not just men, but all people, women as well, have is being alone with that voice in your head. I'm walking around to try to outrun the gnats. Um, being alone with that voice in your head is a critical skill set that you must have. You must learn to be alone and be confident and help and and be able to survive in that state of mind for a very long time. When you have the ability to be alone in your head, you insulate yourself from all of these impulses to invite unsavory people into your life. And it also stops you from self-talking yourself into some kind of a a negative state of mind. A lot of times people who spend too much time alone, or they spend a lot of time alone, is they start to fall into depression. They get to ruminating. They they think that nobody loves them, that they're not lovable, and that life sucks, and next thing you know, they're doing stupid, yeah. So, you've got to learn to to um become comfortable on your own. There's this weird thing that no one seems to get. Everyone's afraid of dying alone, but everybody dies alone. There's nobody in there with you. It's just you. So, get the hang of it early. That way, when you do finally die, you'll be comfortable with the idea of dying alone. So don't let loneliness drive you into the arms of the wrong woman. That's the critical thing here. So I had to put the sunglasses on. The bugs are just ridiculous. I even sprayed myself with a deep woods off, you know, before I came out here, and they are immune to it.
All right, the next one that you guys have got to watch out for is um being drawn into someone else's drama. Some people, and I don't know why it is, they find drama exciting and sexy, and they want to get into it. They want to be in the midst of that drama. They need that kind of energy. Maybe they're like adrenaline junkies in a way, except for for drama. And so, they're drawn to women who create all this drama in their lives. And I would strongly recommend that you avoid that at all costs. Um, dramatic women or women who create a lot of drama in their lives are always going to be like that. So unless you want to be, you know, in marital combat for the rest of your life dealing with a woman who's going to be volatile, you don't want peace, then I would just stay away from her. Just do not allow yourself to get sucked into their drama. And they do it so insidiously. You know, you just have to be on the watch for it because if you get yourself sucked into one of those relationships, yeah, you're going to you're going to regret it. You're definitely going to regret it. Um, just because you have sparks and then you have the great makeup sex afterwards. Yeah, that's that is not good reason to start a relationship. I mean, maybe there's a personality type that can do it. I just don't see that it's a very good way to uh get a relationship going, especially a committed relationship like a marriage.
A lot of guys model their parents in relationships. And so if your parents had a shitty relationship, there's a good chance that you're just going to do that to yourself. Women do that, too. So be on the lookout for that. If you know your parents had a shitty relationship, maybe they got divorced, whatever, just start with the assumption that your relationship models are broken, that you don't know what a good relationship is, and you're going to have to figure this out. You're going to have to go back to primary school when it comes to relationships and figure out how to have a good relationship and what kind of man you need to be in order to achieve that. But do not venture into a relationship if you know your parents were screwed up and you know maybe her parents are screwed up because you guys are obviously going to be drawn together. You're going to be looking for the same kind of support and uh emotional, you know, crutch. Um, I would be very, very cautious about jumping into a relationship until you have addressed your own shortcomings and figure out exactly what you need to do to be the man you need to be to get the woman you want to have. That's the critical thing.
A low-quality woman will manipulate you, use guilt, and any kind of emotional control she can um, levy on you. So once you start fooling around with this girl, if she starts using guilt and and uh that kind of thing to get you to be committed to her because you've you stuck it in and that means you've put a ring on it or in some way like you owe her something. That's a red flag, man. You better walk away from that really, really fast. Do not think you owe her anything just because you're sleeping with her. Sex and commitment are on two different levels. Sex these days is cheap. Commitments are extremely valuable. Do not trade pennies for dollars. That's what you're doing in this situation. You definitely need to um keep your eyes open. And if she starts using that kind of language with you, then that's your that's your sign. The plane's going down. You need to grab the parachute and jump. It's done. It's over. Get the hell out. Do not allow a woman to manipulate you with her emotions and guilt and shame and all that. That is a a loser's game.
In that same vein, you cannot allow society to shame you. Do not think that being a single guy has any stigma associated with it. Be proud to be single. Own it. You know, be a strong, healthy, um, proud bachelor. I'm telling you, man. Um, you run the world. You know, single men run the world. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you need to have a woman in your life to be complete. You do not. You do not. If you decide that you want to have a woman in your life, it's because you're looking for personal growth, and it's going to benefit you to do that. Like you're looking for the opportunity to become a better version of yourself. That's the only reason you want to bring a woman in your life. Maybe if you want to have children, I guess that's another decent reason, but that's not good enough on its own because you don't want to bring in a bad woman just so you can have some children. That would be a a terrible trade. It would be a terrible trade. You definitely want to find a good-quality woman no matter what. Um, but don't let society stigmatize you into thinking that um you need to get married. That's just, do not get with a crazy woman thinking that you can help her change. Like you can enlighten her, you can, you know, be like the uh, you know, Hello Dolly. Um, you don't want to be like that. No, you're not trying to make her into a princess; you if she's not a princess right now or she's not a a good woman, she's not a a positive, healthy person, doesn't matter how positive and healthy you are, you are not going to turn her into the woman that you want her to be. I have tried that on a couple of occasions, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that will not work. They will manipulate you into those conditions. So, do not even go down that path. That's a loser's game.
Another huge mistake that men make is they think they can't do any better. They think that for whatever reason they have this low self-esteem thing going in their head, and they think that she's the best I can get, even though, you know, she slept with half the town and uh she's got $100,000 in credit card debt and uh you know, I've got a feeling she might be, you know, the source of a lot of the local venereal disease going around. She's the best I can do. No, she is not. The world is big. Most of the people on it are female. I guarantee you you can find somebody else with eight billion human beings and probably four and a half billion of them are female. Yeah, you can definitely find somebody else. She is not the best you can do.
Also, going back to what I said earlier, when you build out your frame, when you build out your life and you know who you are as a man and you work on your self-confidence, you can achieve wonderful things. Women are strongly attracted to that. They really are. Competence and confidence are assets that we bring to the table. And if you don't have competence and confidence as a combination, then you're selling yourself short because you can gain these things. These are things that you can develop on your own. You do not need to be born with them. You can get these things. Um, and when you have them, when you have them in combination, you will attract lots of people into your life. Good people, healthy people, attractive people, people that you want to spend time with. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to some low-quality woman just because you pulled the trigger too early. That you allowed yourself to get into a relationship before you were ready.
What's interesting is that in a man's world, character counts. We measure other men by their character. And if you're not doing that, trust me, people are doing that to you. So, high-quality men have high character. They are values-based people from the very beginning. Regardless of what their net worth is, what their um income is, what their height is, what their six-pack condition is, none of that is primary. What's primary is character. Especially when dealing with other men in business, in particular, you're looking for high-quality, high-character people to do business with. We need to take that same measure, and we need to apply it to the women that we bring into our lives. We cannot give them some kind of a pass just because they're pretty and they have all the equipment that we're interested in working with. That's not a good enough reason to let a low-quality, low-value woman into your life. And if you're with a woman and you've never really thought about whether she was high-quality or low-quality, whether she's high-value or low-value, ask yourself some of these questions, like what kind of human being is she? How does she treat her friends? How does she treat her family? What's her debt like? Um, what are her goals? What does she see for herself? How does she treat um you? Is she honest? Um, does she keep her word? You know, there's so many things that, does she express loyalty in any way? How loving is she as a person? How nurturing is she? How kind is she? How does she treat waiters? How does she interact with um, you know, strangers on the street? Um, how does she see herself? Does she think she's better than everybody? So, when you start to um take stock of the people around you and you start to hold them up to a character mirror and you start to ask, is this person the kind of person that I would really want to spend the rest of my life with? Well, suddenly how pretty she is really doesn't matter so much, you know?
You cannot use what you perceive in this moment as your value as the measure to determine what you can get right now, because you don't need somebody right now.
You can improve yourself. You can improve your character, your competence, your confidence. You can become the better man. You can become a high-value man. You can make them come after you. You can be the prize in this game. You do not have to let them be the prize.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed the video. If you have, please like and subscribe. If you know someone who might benefit from this video, please share it with them. In the meantime, stay healthy and remember, if you can, be the better man.