Transcription
0:00 Hi everybody, Scott here from the 0:01 Introvert Power channel. In this video, 0:04 I'm going to talk about the INFJ door 0:07 slam. 0:11 Reopened. So perhaps for some of my new 0:13 subscribers that aren't familiar with 0:15 this concept, I have made a video on this 0:18 in the past, and I'll leave it, uh, both 0:21 somewhere on this video and in the 0:23 description below. Feel free to go and 0:25 check out that video and then come back 0:27 to this video. Just to quickly 0:30 recap that video, I essentially was 0:32 talking about a cable representing like 0:35 the connection between the INFJ and the 0:37 other person, and that the 0:39 INFJ, um, very 0:42 much, um, notices and knows that cable and 0:46 is aware of when that cable is frayed 0:48 and attempts to try to re- uh, to repair 0:52 that cable. Um, however, it's often not 0:55 repaired, and then the INFJ will make 0:58 adjustments to keep that cable 1:00, uh, going. And the INFJ will keep that, um, 1:04 hold on to that connection for as long 1:06 as 1:07 possible. And that, um, will continue to 1:13 hold on to hope of that relationship 1:15 restoring, even if there's just one 1:16 little strand left of that cable. But 1:19 there comes a time for the INFJ when 1:21 that last little strand is broken, and 1:24 that that can be a dramatic event, or it 1:26 could just be a really subtle knowing 1:28 that there's no hope left for this 1:30 relationship. And that that cable 1:32 breaking is essentially the ending of a 1:36 relationship. And for the INFJ, they can 1:38 feel like the door slam is actually 1:42 being done to them. And that essentially 1:46 the INFJ is trying to hold the door open 1:49 to the relationship, trying to make a 1:52 connection, trying to, um, uh, connect with 1:55 the other person. And the other person 1:58 either not getting it, 2:00 not understanding it, or not wanting to 2:02 get it, or a combination of all those 2:04 things, um, feels to the INFJ as though 2:08 the the other person's constantly trying 2:10 to shut the door on the INFJ's p- uh, 2:14 perspective of the relationship, because 2:17 they often don't understand it. And so 2:19 the INFJ's trying to hold the door open, 2:21 it feels to the INFJ as though the other 2:23 person's trying to slam the door closed 2:25 on them all the time with their lack of 2:28 response to them. 2:30 And eventually, the INFJ no longer has 2:34 any energy left to keep that door open. 2:38 And so, just, it's not so much a giving up, 2:41 but more of a just an exhaustion. Can't 2:44 do it anymore. And so the INFJ can 2:48 no longer hold that door open. And so the 2:51 um, the the door, uh, gets slammed on them 2:54 by the other person's apparent 2:56 unwillingness to understand where 2:59 they're coming coming 3:01 from. Um, now, that video that I made, uh, 3:05 was probably one of my more successful 3:09 videos. Um, and so there's an 3:11 overwhelming sense of connection to that 3:14 video. Um, I just wanted to address some 3:17 of the feedback, or one 3:19 particular thread that I 3:22 noticed, which was from people that were 3:26 frustrated with the pace of the video, 3:28 that I, I, um, I took so long to to explain 3:34 it. And I, I thought about that, and yeah, 3:39 INFJs can make long videos and, um, take a 3:43 long time to explain things. But I think 3:45 there was a metaphor in that, in that the 3:48 frustration, um, and annoyance that people 3:50 were experiencing watching the video, um, 3:53 watching me explain it and get to the 3:57 end of that video, is really a metaphor 4:00 for how an INFJ 4:03 feels while they're trying to maintain a 4:06 relationship, while they're trying to 4:08 restore or repair or better a 4:11 relationship. And I think it's a metaphor 4:13 for how the INFJ feels a lot of the 4:16 time. So in this video today, I just 4:19 wanted to explore a little bit more of 4:21 this door slam from the perspective of 4:23 can it be, can it be reopened? What would 4:27 an INFJ need to do to reopen that door? 4:29 And what would the other person need to 4:31 do to open that door? So I don't want 4:34 this video to be about INFJs are right 4:37 and holier than now and everybody else 4:39 is ignorant and stupid and just needs to 4:42 get with the 4:43 program. That would that would be a 4:47 frustrated INFJ response to this kind of 4:53 situation. Um, however, I think there's 4:57 room for both the INFJ and and the and 5:00 the other person to, um, to reopen that 5:04 door. So I think firstly, it's about, can 5:07 it actually be 5:09 opened? And I think the answer is yes. 5:12 That nothing's impossible. The door can 5:14 be 5:15 reopened. Uh, but I think for a lot of the 5:17 time, it just isn't isn't 5:21 reopened. Um, there's just too much damage, 5:24 there's just too much pain, too much 5:25 disappointment to to 5:28 overcome. Now, I just also wanted to, I 5:31 think, highlight that there can be many 5:33 variables. Variables that come into play 5:36 here. Uh, it's not simply INFJ and, um, uh, 5:43 you know, ISTP or any other type and 5:46 those dynamics that are coming into play 5:50 that could lead to a door slam. There's 5:52 so many other variables that can come 5:54 into play. The person's temperament, their 5:57 family background, the types of att- 5:59 achments people had with their their 6:02 caregivers, um, life experience, all manner 6:06 of variables that would come into play 6:08 here. One of the other complaints that 6:11 people have, um, made, um, or comments that 6:14 people have made on the other video is 6:17 that the door slam is essentially an 6:20 immature 6:21 response from the 6:24 INFJ. Now, I think that is, that can be true, 6:30 but it can also not be true depending on 6:33 the variables and the situation. I think 6:36 there is truth in that, um, naivety and 6:42 the idealism of the 6:44 INFJ, um, and kind of just wishing the 6:47 other person would would know what 6:49 they're feeling and, uh, would meet them 6:53 and get them without the INFJ doing too 6:57 much to help the other person understand. 7:00 I think that is an immature approach to 7:03 the relationship, and that the INFJ door 7:06 slam in that situation really is comes 7:10 down a lot to, um, the level of 7:16 maturity of the 7:18 INFJ. However, I don't think that's that's 7:22 the end of of the issue. I think in other 7:27 cases, it it's very possible that it's 7:30 actually a lack of maturity on the other 7:33 person's side, whereby there's a lack of 7:36 willingness to hear the INFJ, to, um, 7:40 believe that what they're saying has a 7:42 reality to it, and, uh, try essentially is 7:47 stonewalling the 7:48 INFJ's attempts for connection and 7:51 understanding and so on. And that, um, 7:57 that's that's in a situation where the 7:59 INFJ is actually trying to 8:03 communicate, um, in the relationship, 8:05 trying to 8:07, um, uh, build a deeper connection in the 8:10 relationship, and it's just being 8:11 stonewalled all the time. Uh, that would 8:14 be a lack of maturity on the, uh, on the 8:17 other person's side. So to reopen the 8:21 door on both of those 8:23 scenarios, it would require the INFJ to 8:28 recognize where if they're not 8:30 communicating, if they're just hoping 8:33 that the other person gets it. So that's 8:35 a situation where the INFJ is making an 8:40 assumption that because they can see 8:43 into other people and can understand 8:45 things and understand, um, the 8:48 complexities of relationship 8:50 and, uh, can often feel what other people 8:55 pick up on the feelings of other 8:56 people, and even may understand why that 9:00 other's other people can do that to them, 9:02 and they're just refusing to. That is a a 9:07 very, uh, problematic 9:10 worldview. And the reality is is that 9:12 most people 9:15 can't and and don't have that kind of 9:19 focus. And so for that, for that INFJ, it's 9:22 it's about acknowledging that and 9:24 recognizing that one of the issues to 9:28 reopening that door 9:30 is their communication. It's about them 9:33 opening up and and communicating to them 9:36 actually what is going on for them, what 9:38 are their needs and wants, um, how do they 9:41 feel in the relationship when certain 9:43 things happen. And so 9:45 on, 9:47 that, um, that could reopen the door. Other 9:52 things for the INFJ to consider is 9:54 whether there are other issues at play 9:57 that, um, are causing them to potentially 10:00 be projecting in that relationship. If if 10:03 they had 10:05 a 10:07, um, this goes into a whole lot of the 10:09 other areas, but whether there was a a 10:12 broken relationship in childhood, 10:14 childhood relationships, these sorts of 10:16 things, whether that's being projected in 10:18 the in their adult relationship in a 10:22 sense, they're projecting their father issue 10:24 or mother issue, if you like, onto the 10:26 other person and living that out to a 10:31 disappointment, like react- 10:33 re- uh, like reliving that relationship 10:36 through the adult relationship only to 10:38 be disappointed again. So essentially, 10:43 though, what I'm saying with that one is 10:44 the INFJ recognizing where their own 10:47 issues might be, uh, causing difficulties, may 10:51 have caused difficulties in that 10:53 relationship, recognizing that, um, and 10:57 that again could be another way that the 10:59 door could be 11:01 reopened. For the other person, it could 11:04 be a case of needing to choose 11:09 to, uh, accept the differences, the 11:13 personality type differences, and that 11:15 just because the the the other person 11:18 can't see what the INFJ sees doesn't 11:21 necessarily mean that it's irrelevant or 11:23 unnecessary to look at, um, or, uh, not 11:28 important. 11:29 And I think that brings in the the 11:32 Pylian project, which is where we try to 11:35 make the other person like 11:37 ourselves. And I think in relationships 11:41 where the the the personality types are 11:45 quite 11:46 different, uh, the Pylian project 11:49 essentially is where we try to mold the 11:51 other person into our own 11:53 image. And so it's, that's possible for 11:57 the INFJ to be trying to do that, trying 11:59 to make the INFJ, trying to make the other 12:02 person become like them, you know, see 12:04 what I see, become like me, so that I'm 12:07 comfortable. And vice versa, you got the 12:09 other person potentially saying, no, that 12:12 that's not right, become like me, um, see 12:15 it how I see it, and let's live happily 12:18 ever after. And a lot of wasted energy 12:21 goes into, um, into each person trying to 12:26 make the other like them. So a way of 12:30 reopening the door for for both the INFJ 12:33 and the other person is making room for 12:37 the reality of the other person, 12:39 essentially is kind of making that 12:42 decision, okay, I'm going to try and 12:45 understand this other, this other 12:47 person's viewpoint, worldview, feelings, 12:50 way of seeing the relationship, and so on. 12:53 Um, I'm going to open myself up to seeing 12:56 that, seeing it from their point of view, 12:59 and not rejecting it, or necessarily 13:01 trying to understand it, but accepting 13:04 that that is the reality for the other 13:07 person. And where both people are trying 13:10 to understand that, trying to understand 13:13 the other's way of seeing 13:16 things, then there is kind of an overlap 13:19 that can occur where there's 13:23 actually room for both people 13:27 to 13:29 to adjust to the reality of the other, 13:33 which is, which is different, very 13:34 different to both trying to make the 13:36 other like themselves. So in the case 13:40 where both people are going, okay, I'm 13:43 going to open s- open myself up to 13:46 accepting the way the other person is, 13:48 not how I would want them to be, then 13:51 we're building understanding. We're both, 13:54 both people essentially 13:56 maturing and learning to understand 13:59 where the other's coming from. And that 14:01 can lead 14:03 to, um, 14:05 both making r- sorry, 14:13 both, both people feeling understood for 14:16 a start, because a lot of the problem is 14:19 both trying to, both people trying to be 14:22 understood without understanding the 14:24 other person. So when there's an 14:27 agreement to hearing each other's way of 14:29 seeing the relationship and not 14:32 rejecting the way the other, 14:35 sorry, both people accepting, um, the way 14:39 the other sees the relationship, then 14:41 there can be a connection through that 14:44 understanding. And that is another way 14:46 that the relationship could be 14:50 restored. Unfortunately, I think the 14:52 reality is that by the time a door slam 14:57 type situation has happened, and either 14:59 one or both have run out of puff, given 15:03 up on the ability for the relationship 15:06 to be restored, it's it's kind of beyond 15:10 that point of no return for a lot of 15:12 people. And so kind of getting both of 15:16 them back into the room is probably the 15:20 hardest part. Um, not impossible. It really 15:24 depends, uh, on a lot of of, uh, other 15:28 variables, but it's possible for the the 15:32 door to be 15:33 reopened, um, if some of the things that 15:36 I'm highlighting in this video were to 15:39 occur. Probably one of the most powerful 15:42 things that could happen to reopen a 15:44 door 15:44 slam is for the other person to show 15:48 interest in the 15:52 INFJ's world, their inner world, the way 15:54 they see things. So just choosing to be 15:57 curious about the INFJ will just neon 16:04 lights, um, shine on the inside of the 16:07 INFJ. Curious, open questions of, um, that 16:13 given the 16:14 INFJ, um, room to openly express 16:19 themselves and their inner world 16:22 will 16:25, um, will be a very powerful 16:30, um, signal, a very powerful signal to the 16:35 INFJ that you are serious about the 16:38 relationship. So open questions like, 16:41 what's happening for you? What's going on 16:44 in your world at the moment? Um, how do 16:48 you feel about the 16:50 relationship? Uh, what do you 16:53 see, um, we could do better in the 16:57 relationship? 17:00 Uh, these more open questions that enable 17:04 the INFJ to give their own unique answer 17:08 to, rather than sort of close questions 17:11 like, are you happy with the 17:13 relationship? 17:15 Um, you know, aren't we going well? Uh, did 17:20 you have a good day? There's more yes or 17:22 no closed questions. 17:25 Are, uh, not 17:29, uh, like they're like base 17:31 level, uh, communication questions for for 17:34 the INFJ. They're not, they're not 17:36 unhelpful 17:37 or, um, annoying for the INFJ, but it, it 17:41 needs to be like the precursor for 17:43 something 17:44 deeper. Uh, those more open questions, um, 17:48 help the INFJ to express themselves and 17:50 will feel connected to you by the very 17:54 fact that you ask those 17:57 questions, those more open 17:59 questions. And just to use the cable 18:02 analogy, if both are able to, um, accept 18:07 the differences, essentially, then we've 18:09 got a cable that has two different 18:11 elements to it. The INFJ cable, 18:15 essentially, you could say, is like all 18:17 the little wires in the 18:20 center. And 18:23, um, uh, when we've got both actually 18:27 understanding each other's 18:28, um, different ways of seeing the 18:31 relationship, 18:33 the, um, the covering, if you like, over the 18:38 wiring, that sort of 18:40 insulation, um, covering over the wiring, 18:43 is the other 18:46 person. And when you've essentially, when 18:49 you've got that kind of cable, it's a lot 18:52 more, um, durable to, um, breaking, to to, uh, 18:59 wear and tear and water damage and these 19:02 sorts of things, um, outside elements that 19:06 would seek to, um, break a 19:09 cable, is much better, uh, insulated 19:13 when it's got that insulation over the 19:16 top of it. So I sort of see that as a 19:18 helpful metaphor. When both the INFJ and 19:21 the other person are seeking to 19:24 understand the other's point of view, 19:26 you've got a complete cable. You've got 19:29 the inner wires that connect the INFJ to 19:33 the other person. So in a sense, I see 19:35 that as almost like the INFJ towards the 19:38 other. And then you've got the 19:39 insulation that goes, uh, over that 19:42 cable to, uh, protect it from damage. And 19:47 that enables that connection between the 19:51 INFJ and the other person too. Um, that 19:55 sort of cable is very, um, much harder to 19:59 break. And I think the INFJ would very 20:01 much 20:03 appreciate, um, that kind of 20:06 dynamic, um, because that that insulation 20:09 in a sense feels like a protection. It 20:11 feels like the other person is 20:16 honoring. I think the INFJ very much 20:18 appreciates that kind of 20:21 cable, uh, because it can feel for the 20:23 INFJ as though that insulation is really 20:27 understanding from the other person. It's 20:29 also a protective layer. So it's like 20:32 that the the relationship is more 20:36, um, uh, is safer for for both of them. It's 20:40, uh, it's stronger, um, and it's showing 20:43 that that insulation for the INFJ 20:46 essentially is seeing that there's a re- 20:48 there's 20:48 reciprocation, that there that both are 20:53, um, uh, attending to the cable, if you like. 20:56 It's not to say that the other person 20:58 wasn't trying to tend to the 20:59 relationship before 21:01 slam. Um, 21:04 but because most likely for for most 21:08 people, most well-meaning people, the 21:11 other person is doing what they think to 21:13 do to make the relationship good, 21:17 beneficial, uh, but it's just that the INFJ 21:19 doesn't necessarily experience it that 21:22 way. So this mutual understanding of one 21:24 another sort of helps the INFJ to 21:29, um, actually experience from the other 21:32 person that, um, they are, uh, that they 21:36 care about the relationship. So when 21:39 you've got two people saying, well, this 21:40 is how I see the relationship or this 21:43 situation, and you got the other person 21:45 saying, okay, I understand that and I 21:47 accept how you're seeing it. However, this 21:49 is how I see it, um, this is how I 21:52 experience it, and the other person's 21:54 able to accept that, then there's a found- 21:58 foundation in which to explore ways of 22:03, um, handling a situation differently, 22:06 addressing an issue differently, um, 22:09 depending on what the situation is. 22:11 There's a foundation there in order 22:14 to 22:16, um, uh, deal with the situation in a way 22:19 that's mutually beneficial. So no doubt 22:22 I'm going to press stop on this video 22:24 and then have these other things that I 22:27 really wish would have said in this 22:28 video, but maybe I'll, I'll see share that 22:31 in another video down the track. Um, I 22:35 also see this is more of a conversation 22:37 than a full stop. So, uh, feel free to 22:41 leave your comments and share, um, your 22:45 experience of of this, uh, you know, your 22:49 experience of reopening a door slam if 22:51 it's happened for you. Uh, really 22:53 appreciate your feedback. Uh, subscribe to 22:55 the channel if you haven't already, uh, if 22:58 you're liking the content, appreciate 23:00 your support. I have a Patreon account 23:02 too, if you want to support me making 23:05 these videos, and, uh, I'll see you again 23:08 in another 23:10 video. If you're interested in looking at 23:12 opposite type dynamics, the pros and 23:15 the cons, uh, what works, what doesn't work, 23:18 and the dynamics of opposite type 23:21 relationships, check out my Patreon page 23:24, uh, to, um, see that video.