RED FLAGS 101. - For the Girls with Becca Moore

Hello everyone and welcome to For the Girls with Becca Moore. I'm Becca Moore. I'm so excited to be here for another week, another episode. Um, if you are watching on YouTube, please subscribe.

And today is June 30th, the last day of Pride. I have to say I am very tired. So, I am a little bit ready for June to end. I feel like June is just a big month. It's my birthday month and I feel like summer's kicking off so there's a lot of things happening and Pride month was just like, "Oh my god, I'm drained." Today is Monday. I went to the Made It Out Pride Party on Saturday and I had the best night of my entire summer. And I don't say that lightly. It was like the best party ever. It was so fun. Especially being with like every lesbian from the internet. like hanging out with them was so so fun. I went on the new Made It Out show out for a drive and it was literally so fun. I think we filmed that oh two week a week ago, a week and a half ago. It was like the best day ever. I was there for like 6 hours and then they told me to come to their party, their annual Pride party. And first of all, I'm still exhausted. Um I stayed up until 6:00 a.m. which I don't do that. And if you know me, like one of the first core things about me is that like I need a routine and I like to go to bed at by midnight. Like I have always been I get anxious about staying up late. So the fact that I stayed up until 6:00 a.m. is just not very normal for me. But it was so fun. I didn't even have anxiety yesterday. I slept all day. But it was just like one of those parties that's like I'm going to keep telling stories from that party for like ever. So awesome to get to hang out with everyone. I ran into Cammy and Taran which was super fun. And yeah, I just got to meet and hang out with so many lesbians from the internet. I think I've been having such a better pride this year than last year just because I feel well this one this is my first pride being like out publicly. I think last summer I still hadn't come out yet until July I think. So this is this has just been such a fun month for me. Um, and also hanging out with lesbians after like while being single is so fun. I feel like I love the LA lesbian community. It's just like especially being in it now that I've gotten to know the characters after a year. It's been so fun to get to interact with them in real life. Um, that party was just like so fun. and they rented out this vintage car place and it we were there from like 6:00 until I think I was there until like midnight or 1:00 a.m. and then we went to their house after and then we played spin the bottle and I kissed a bunch of people. But it was just like one of those parties that felt like a high school party where it's like a high school reunion party where like you're seeing everyone you know and like every I turned I knew someone and we were just playing so many drinking games and having we played beer pong and we danced and had the best night. It was just like like that is what summer's problem summer's all about. I'm not mad at myself for staying up till 6:00 a.m. but I am feeling it a little bit. I am like oh my god I'm like drained.

I wanted to do an episode today on red flags just in general. I feel like every week, it's crazy how every single week I have a new update on my life. Like I can't believe I haven't run out of content yet and I've been doing this podcast for over a year. It's just like things just always are happening in my life. Um I wore red because I wanted to do red flag episode and my phone case is red as well. Um, and I got like I honestly this episode was inspired by this text that I got from someone that I used to know and used to know because like of this text. Like honestly, I am not thrilled with the text I received and I wanted to talk about it and dissect the text and talk about red flags. I think there there are a lot of signs in early dating or like knowing someone that if you spot them and you recognize them that you can easily let go of that person and save yourself like potentially years of pain. And if you got married to that person, god forbid, holy [ __ ]. Spotting red flags early is a great way to save thousands on divorce paperwork. So, let's do red flags 101. I asked you guys on Instagram to submit your niche red flags, but I wanted to talk about the text that I received this week. And also, I should do a general life, like love life, I guess, update.

If you listened to my last episode, I talked about how there was someone in my life that was sad about my dating content. And um like they didn't appreciate me talking about other people that I've been dating. And I totally understood that honestly when I heard that um because I do talk about my dating life and I am like open about it especially. But I think it's important to do that in my scenario and like for anyone else that wants to do it. It's just kind of fun. But I also think that like it should be talked especially as someone who realized that they were by like late in life. I mean not late in life but like I mean I'm in my mid20s. It's kind of I don't know. It's kind of a unique situation to figure out now. And then I had my first relationship with a woman. We all know this breakup and then I'm back in the dating game now. And I think it is I'm just at a very interesting and pivotal part of my life especially when it comes to dating because I'm in new territory. And like it's not even like I can go back to quote unquote normal because there is no normal to go back to because I am dating women for the first time because the first date I went on with a woman I dated her. So now I'm going on first dates with women and men and I've realized that even going on dates with men I it's different now. Like there is no going back for me because I'm different now and it's good to be different now. like I am by and that is something that I'm not going to erase or take away from me and I'm proud. I have pride. Um so so yeah, I've definitely turned a corner in dating. I think in the beginning of the breakup I was like apprehensive about dating anyone because I was like, "Oh my god, who can I date? Like who's going to understand like being by?" By the way, most people in this world are by to at least some degree and like they just don't know it. So, like I'm not in that unique of a situation, but I do think like it's just like fun to talk about and important to talk about. Um, but yeah, I was I still have that like irrational fear that I'm not going to be accepted by people I date. And you know, I've had to come out on a couple date well two dates with men. And it was one was received very well and then one was received like like the person was like a little bit like taken aback. Um, so yeah, that has been different in dating men. And then when I'm dating girls, I've talked about this in my last episode, but yeah, like when I'm dating girls, I like kind of well maybe maybe that's just how I feel in the moment when I'm with a girl and I kind of forget about the other gender. Honestly, like when I'm on a date with whoever I'm on a date with, I'm not thinking about anyone else. When I'm on a date with someone, I'm not thinking like, "Oh my god, I'm so attracted to everyone in this restaurant and like I'm so attracted to like being by I think like being by is like sounds scary to people that maybe aren't by or have never dated anyone that's by." And I think I'm hyper aware of that in dating scenarios. So, I try to make the other person so comfortable, but really like, it's just the same as dating anyone. Like, you're not when you're on a date with someone, you're not thinking about anyone else. Like, you're not thinking about any other crushes you have. You're not thinking about the fact that you're also attracted to the opposite gender. um you're just kind of on a date with them and I think I was like trying to make the person like hyper comfortable with it and like but really I think maybe that is sometimes just how I'm feeling in the moment. Like when I am on a date with a girl I'm not thinking about men at all. So I do feel like I am a lesbian when I'm on a date with um a woman because I'm just like excited to be on a date with a woman. I don't know. Um but I was talking about that in my last episode. Um and yeah, I'm kind of turning a corner on that. I'm trying to be more conscious of that and just let myself be free and like I don't have to like make anyone else comfortable with my sexuality or anything about myself ever because I'm just me and um that is something that I've been working on.

But yeah, I I wanted to talk about this text that I got from someone. Okay, I also have been making content about being a problem, right? And I think we all know that. And when I say I'm being a problem, mostly I'm just like having boundaries and being selfish this summer and like having fun and focused on myself and like not getting a girlfriend or boyfriend. And I've been having like such a fun summer and I'm kind of just like in my zone right now and I'm not thinking about um relationships and yeah, I'm kind of just like thinking about myself. I kissed someone in the spring though. Okay. and logistically we couldn't date and because we live in different places and they were my friend before this we kissed and then you know like we kind of just like stopped texting as much and I just assumed it was because like you know we're not dating but we had like a fun time and I cared about that person and you know we kissed or whatever so like I don't know but then I like found out that they didn't like my dating content or when I was talking about dating other people, which I understand because I do make dating content and I talk about like my problem summer and like I'm having fun and all this stuff. But then I randomly got a text from this person and I need to dissect it and I'm sorry to this person. They don't want to use content, but I don't think people know who they are. So, I think it's fine. This person and I have like the same sense of humor. So, like this is going to sound like a jarring text, but it's honestly like this is just kind of how we used to text each other. This person said, "Do you want to date now?" Which sounds like a jarring text, but again, we have the same sense of humor. Like, I thought I think that's like funny. And then I said, referring to why haven't I heard from this person in like a couple months, I said, "Did you have a girlfriend or something and break up today? Why am I like hearing from you?" And this person said, "No, you were just irritating me." And I said, "What specifically?" And then this person said to me, "Probably the part where I said I liked you and then you went on an insufferable digital footprint speedrun." I don't like that text.

So, let's talk about this text. Okay, first of all, I the reason I wanted to talk about this on my podcast today is because I think that, you know, if I was 22, that text would be received very differently. But now that I'm, you know, it's been now that my prefrontal cortex has formed, I have awareness that like that I am not going to be talked to that way. So, um, first of all, the word and stuff for I I understand if this person was trying to be funny, but it's for me it's like it's not funny. I'm not going to just like accept that language. First of all, I don't really know specifically what this person is referring to. It's probably the problem summer and it's probably like, oh, I'm going on dates or I have crushes on people. I've made Tik Toks talking about my crushes and stuff. And let's just like think about this text for a second. The first line was, "I told you I liked you and then you went on an insufferable." Well, that's the entire text I basically have it memorized right now, but then you went on an insufferable digital footprint speedrun. Just because someone said that they like me does not mean I owe them anything. And also, we were never dating. Um, and I felt like I thought that it was understood on both of our parts. We had a conversation about it that we weren't going to date. So, I don't really understand what the relevance of this person telling me that they like me is in this scenario because that doesn't mean that I am going to automatically be loyal to you or date you when we specifically had a conversation that we weren't going to date. I also don't like how condescending a message like that is. Um, I have free will. I'm allowed to post whatever I want. I'm allowed to talk about whatever I want and that's just kind of me. That's who I am. I do social media for a living and also I like to talk about my life and I'm not going to stop talking about my life. So, I'm not going to bend over backwards to shift my content to anyone. Especially if we're not dating and especially if um all they did was say that they like me. That doesn't mean that I'm not ever going to like anyone else. And specifically the word insufferable is not a nice thing to say to anyone. And when I was 22, the reason I think I bring up that age, maybe it was 21, but I this is like a throwback anecdote, but I just want to compare where I was when I was like in my early 20s versus now, um, my senior year of college, Barcel Smoke Shows posted a photo of me and I gained like 4,000 followers, I think. Like I gained a lot of followers from that. That was like back in the day when Barcel smoke shows was like I don't even know if Barcel smoke shows is still a thing. They posted a photo of me. I gained a lot of followers. A lot of them being like minor league athletes which is so random but there was this one specific hockey guy who DM'd me and we're deming back and forth and this person lived in California. They were a hockey player. They got to travel for work. I lived in the middle of nowhere Ohio going to college in the middle of nowhere Ohio and I you know I was I was my life was just so before that like I didn't have access before this to like people that had that were like athletes or like I mean I this person was verified before you could get like before you could pay to get verified. So, it was like it felt I felt special that this person who was a couple years older than me and like obviously had more money than me and like lived in California, like just living in California to me that felt like crazy. And my life has just been soed one-dimensional. And then to hear to be talking to someone that made me feel like I was like special because I was like I don't know. It was just like a weird time in my life. So, for some reason, I felt like this person had a cooler life than me and they like had the right I don't know. I just they had been through more life experiences than me and we were texting texting texting and then co like then he this person ended up he flew me out to California and then we like were seeing each other but then this was like literally in March of 2020. So then when I got home, the borders to Canada closed. So we had to break up. Like we weren't going to be able to see each other because Canadians couldn't get into the US anymore. And he had to go back to Canada. Um but we kept like facetiming and texting for like months kind of after that. And then I started blowing up on TikTok while me and him were like in communication and I was bartending. And I ended up moving out to Nashville to work for Total Frap Move. And I they wanted me to have a podcast with my roommate, another girl that worked at Total Frat Move. And I would tell him about this, like wanting him to think it was cool. And one day he like f and I think he thought it was cool kind of, but he would make little tiny condescending comments towards me. But again, I didn't really have the radar that I do now. So, I didn't pick up on the fact that he was being condescending. One day, he FaceTimes me and I'm with Alyssa and I wanted Alyssa to like meet this man over FaceTime because I still had a crush on him for a while. I still thought his life was cool and I liked the way he text he was like a funny texter. Um, so we're facetiming and he's with his like hockey roommate or something. I don't know who the man was that he was with, but the vibe shift between when he was talking to me, when he was not with his friends versus in front of his friend, it genuinely made me sick. He he talks about me on the FaceTime saying, "This is a girl that like thinks she's doing social media for work." That's like his vibe that he was like saying on the FaceTime call. And then the boy, the boy, his friend in the FaceTime was like, "Oh my god, oh my god." Like that's how he was talking to me. And Alyssa, he was like, he was like, "I bet you like listen to Caller Daddy. Like I bet you want to be an Instagram thought. That is how he was talking to me." And he was my the guy that had flown me out was letting his friend talk to me this way on FaceTime. So, I literally hung up and I sent him like a angry paragraph and I was like, "You can't be condescending about what I post on Instagram or my job because again, this is my job right now." And he didn't answer me. I'm like, but I remember feeling guilty back then. And I did kind of want to tailor my content to being more I don't know, like I didn't like it made me even though I was still like defending myself, I've always been the I've always been a little bit feisty with men like that, but I still had a little seed of like doubt about myself. And I still was like, "Oh my god, maybe like these guys are right. They're making fun of me to my fa like that is bold to make fun of me to my face." And then to not reply to my like long paragraph being like, "You can't talk to me this way." I just felt invalidated and I felt like maybe I was being crazy. Um, by the way, never talked to him again. He still adds me on Snapchat sometimes. It's so random. I don't know. really weird. Um, but like because I blocked him, I think. No, he blocked me or something. I think he got a girlfriend and then blocked me, but then every like month or so he'll like re me on Snapchat and I'm like, "Hey, are you looking at my Insta thought content still?" Because it seems like you are and you have a girlfriend. So, that's really ironic.

So, getting that text from this friend, the one being like, "Your content is insufferable almost, it didn't really hurt because I was like, "Oh, I know what to do in this scenario." know, like I like making my content and I like what I talk about online. So, it doesn't make me insecure anymore about what I post. It instead it makes me think that that person is insecure. And I mean, no one can talk to me like that. Like that just makes me like I don't care who it is. I don't care if we were friends. I don't care if we dated for a year. I don't care if we never dated. I don't care if I've known you for 3 days or 300 years. No one can talk to me like that. and still expect to be in my life. Um, that is just not acceptable to me. And that is a red flag. Like I don't care how I thought of you before. I would never say that to anyone. I even if I thought it, I wouldn't say it to anyone. So, I just think that that is such a good reminder that even if someone was your friend and if they neg that is a red flag. Being negged in general is a red flag. And you know, I know I know I talked about the person that I went on three dates with before and I just want to like update you on that. We've I've also let this person know that I didn't really want a relationship right now. Um, and I think it just like speaks to the growth of like it what what I said was true when that person I don't know the be person the person that I stepped on a be with the Malibu date person if you've been watching my other episodes and if you haven't been watching my other episodes you definitely should because like there's so much random tea in there but um yeah basically like TLDDR if you don't you aren't updated. I went on like three dates with someone, stepped on a Ve, then I didn't hear from them for 5 days and then they like apologized and like basically admitted to they were the fact that they were trying to play hard to get and then they were very direct and they're like I want to see you. But just the fact that I didn't hear from the person for 5 days. And like I'm not going to lie, like when I stepped on a B, the person didn't seem to like be very like outwardly caring or um worried about my pain level of like stepping on a B. And to me, that was just like a little bit of a red flag. And then just not hearing from them for 5 days, my feelings completely shut off. And I've been unable to get it back, my feelings for that person. So, I let them know like I'm not, hey, I'm not looking for anything right now, but you're great. I'm just I don't know. I'd rather just hang out with my friends. I think that I am proud of myself for trusting myself and knowing that when it's over, it's over. Um, I'm not doing like a strike system. I'm not doing like, you know what, you I need to beg for someone's apology for saying that my content is insufferable. I'm just moving on and not looking back. I think that especially now that I have clear boundaries and I respect myself, I'm not accepting behavior. And I don't think you guys should either. You shouldn't accept behavior from people that makes you feel or that is aimed to make you feel less than, especially if you're so sure of yourself. I mean, I make money. I like I'm no one can like I'm just my life is just kind of secure right now. So, I'm not insecure about my life and I don't need anyone romantically in my life. Um, I'm also just busy. So, anyone dating someone right now just feels stressful. But anyways, yeah, no one no one is allowed to talk to me or treat me badly anymore.

So, I'm going to read off some random red flags. Sometimes like music taste is kind of a red flag to me. like someone that really loves like Zack Bryan or Kanye West. For some reason, that's a red flag. I get it. Like I like Zack Bryan's music, but something about that. I'm also a Swifty so I'm like I don't know. I'm definitely team Taylor. I did one time get in a fight with this guy on a date um a couple years ago because he was like defending Kanye West and I was like and he was wearing a Kanye West shirt. Wait, that's what it was. He was wearing a Kanye West shirt on our date and I was like, I'm sorry if you like Kanye West that is the hugest red flag. What? Like you that's not a normal thing to like right now. Like I don't know. So yeah, we got in like a little bit of an argument on the date because of this person's affection for Kanye West. Constantly poking fun at you. After a while, they probably aren't joking. Yeah, negging in general is just elementary school. Like no one should be negging that much. Like I I do like to be teased and I think it's funny, but when it gets to a degree that's like, "Oh my god, I feel like worse about myself when I leave hanging out with you." That goes for friends and romantic relationships. You should feel energized after hanging out with someone. You should feel happy and better about yourself. You should not feel drained or um insecure or not equal to that person or smaller. You should also feel secure. And I also think that like if someone likes you, you'll know. So that's just a red basic red flag is like if they're not matching your energy or if you feel like you're the one always reaching out or if you feel like you are like feeling like anxious about whether or not they like you to a degree. I mean, it's normal to have like kind of like a little bit of jitters in the beginning of like, oh my god, does this person like me? Like that's fun. But if it's like you're like leaving on like if you're leaving like a date and you're like I don't know. I feel like that person like doesn't care if I live or die. That's a red flag. Also watch out for the way people speak about their exes. So, if in the beginning an entire date is spent talking [ __ ] about someone's ex and they're unable to like see the other side, they're unable to um they're unable to say anything respectful or anything nice about their ex. And it's this is a topic that is like taking up like a chunk of a first date. And if it's like this person is evil or like this person blah blah blah like even if the person was evil I think that it's a green flag if the person can't like at least on the first date you kind of have to like smooth over like your person interpersonal drama like you kind of have to like be rational or like let like just look for rationality especially if you're on a date with a man. Something about a man slandering a woman on a date is not good. And it will never land with me. Anytime I have dated men and they are just like talking [ __ ] about an ex, oh my god, no. No. Or if they're making themselves seem super victimy, I'm like, "Okay, first of all, I don't believe any man is a victim. I never have and I never will." Well, I don't know if that should be clipped. Okay. I don't That's not I don't No, men can be victims. I'm just saying that is a severe case. I'm just like I don't think that I think that like looking for wisdom or like growth. I think that's what I'm like trying to get at. Like if you're on a date with someone um if you're on a date with someone men can be victims by the way. I need to go back. I like I'm like worried about how that will be taken out of context. Men can be victims of DV and you know verbal abuse. I think that mental um there are cases of mental illness in women. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I think in general if it's like, "Oh, she left me and like blah blah blah." It's like, "Well, what did you what did you do to cause her to leave?" If if it's like basic level talking [ __ ]. Okay. Anyway, I think just looking for growth in on a first date is good. Also, I went on a first date with someone who said like, "All of my exes cheated on me." Or like, and then they were like, "I'm not kidding." Like, I feel like people throw around rude to weight staff a lot. And like, usually I don't really experience that. Like, that is like a rare. The only time I've had this actually happen was one time I went on a date with this Italian man and he I didn't think this was real. This is like year two years, two or three must have been two years ago. I went on a date with this Italian guy. It was the guy that I went on three random dates with cuz the first two he gave me mushrooms. So like I thought like I loved him. And then on the third date was actually Valentine's Day and he didn't bring the mushrooms. And I realized that I did not like this man at all. He sucked. Honestly, he was evil to the weight staff. And I don't know if I didn't notice the first two times, but it was Valentine's Day and he like last minute like pulled some strings and got a reservation at this really fancy restaurant. And we were there like late at night and they were trying to close up and he was like, "Excuse me, you're not going to close." And then he just like starts bragging about all the money that he had and he was like tipping people Left and right, but in a condescending way. Like it wasn't like nice tips. It was like, "You're going to stay open and I'm going to give you so much money that you're going to stay open because she wants to stay here." And he's almost like blaming it on me. And I was like, okay, first of all, I was a server for years. Like I've been a server for like years and years of my life. Since I was 16, I've been working in food service. I was then a bart. I was working in food. I was working in food service from 16 up until I was like 22 or 23 even. So se that's seven years of my life that I've been working in food service. And I know customers and I know how it feels to feel trapped or talked down to. And it's not good. I think working in the service industry really teaches you a lot about life and also just shows you who's a good person and who's not and who's rational and who's not. And you also kind of just learn how to hold your ground. So when someone that is clearly privileged and clearly like bragging about their money to these weight staff who who make $2 an hour and they're depending on our tips, when you're throwing around your tips like that, it's it's so incredibly rude. Especially as someone who was a server for so many years, it doesn't make me feel good for you to be like threatening my tip in order for me to like break a rule for you. So that when he was doing that, I I was like, I literally hate you so much cuz I know how it feels. And it's embarrassing if you were a server and someone's like threatening you with money and being like, do you want your tip or do you not want your tip to stay open later? [ __ ] you. Because it's like, first of all, I want to go home. I need this money because I have to pay my bills, but I don't like the way you're talking to me. And also, you're talking to me like I am below you. And now I'm on a date with a guy who is using this behavior in front of me to like show off. It's not showing off to me. It's disgusting because I'm like I when I'm looking at the server, I'm like wanting to say I'm not I don't know this man at all. I was on mushrooms my last two days with him. This is my third date. I don't even know him. I know it's Valentine's Day. Looks like we're a couple. I don't like him at all. He was also mean to the parking attendant. And he also did the threatening the tip thing because like, oh, a valet rule, like an a weird valet rule. Like he wanted the guy to break. And I'm like, clearly you grew up so privileged that your dad probably did this in front of you and you probably think that it's okay, but it's not okay to me. Like holding money over people's heads is so incredibly like condescending and evil. And I it did not I never saw that man again. Ever. Of course. I don't know. know. And I say I get the ache easily, but I think it's more just like I see red flags early on with men. I guess I was able to do that. So, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Like I I don't have a high tolerance anymore, especially with men to like treat me any or like do bad behav or behave badly. I have zero honestly tolerance for that now that my prefrontal cortex is formed. Um, I think in my last relationship with a woman, I think that because I hadn't been in a relationship with a woman before, I kind of like and I just I kind of just like swept random things under the rug. But now that I finished my first relationship with a woman with like dates I go on with women, I'll be able to like spot those faster because I now that I know now that I have the knowledge um that everything should be the same with women and men. Like my red flags with men are should be the same with women because it's the same behavior. And you know, you shouldn't like bend your own boundaries and tolerance just because you're in your first relationship with a woman. And that is my tip to baby gays. Have boundaries and remember that you are worthy. Even if you are dating someone that is not a baby gay, like it doesn't matter. Um you still have value and you still matter and you still belong in whatever room you're in. you shouldn't feel small or like you don't know how relationships work. I think that is like a mindset that I had a lot in that relationship was like, oh, I must just not know what's normal and what's not normal because I hadn't had the experience before and I didn't have the knowledge that I have now. But I think in general, it's listening to your gut. I think there are like some basic red flags that can be applied to everything. It's like if you feel like someone is showing off a little bit too much where it's like a little bit suspicious. Like for me that was like the money thing with being rude to the weight staff and like threatening them with money that doesn't feel like impressive to me. Or that can be like an umbrella um concept. if just being too showoffy or braggy or named droppy or cloudy or money focused or like condescending. I think that is a huge red flag. So like being too showoffy, being argumentative, mansplaining, that's another pillar of red flag that can happen. Like a lot of men or people with male energy have this like um tendency to make maybe someone with more of more of a feminine energy to feel like they don't know as much or things have to be explained to them or they're just like smaller and they need to be protected to a degree that's like okay I'm not like stupid and I think that it would make you more comfortable if I pretended to be stupid. And I've fell fallen into that dynamic in relationships before. Um, and argumentative in the sense of like, you know, when I went on that date with that Kanye West person, like the person wearing the Kanye West shirt, I was like, you are arguing with me on whether or not Kanye West is I just don't even want to get into it. It made me so mad. Or like arguing about politics on the first day. I'm like, okay, this is pretend to agree with me on whatever I'm saying. like if you're being argumentative and like you're not willing to have an open discussion about things that is a huge red flag to me. Um but yeah, then the love bomb thing that is also another pillar of red flag. So if everything feels hot and heavy and like I'm getting swept away or like you know someone's promising me a future already and like they're saying wow I've been looking my whole life for like someone like you. even if they're having that feeling, they shouldn't be expressing that to you because usually that's used in um manip. It's like a manipulation tactic of like, "Oh my god, you are perfect and you're on a pedestal and then you feel like you're an angel and then maybe if they have like a mental illness, then one day you become the devil and if you do anything wrong cuz like their idea of you as an angel is shattered because that's not a sane um idea of a person to have. So, if you feel like someone's putting you on a pedestal and then taking you off immediately, because you've done one thing wrong, quote unquote wrong, that is not a normal relationship dynamic to have. And get out, cuz that's not normal. Like, people's views of you should not be in black and white. It should be gray cuz everyone's gray. Everyone is good and everyone is bad. No one is all good. No one is all bad. So that kind of falls into like the love bombie thing. I think love bombie um there are a lot of people out there that have mental illnesses and I want to like express that because I think that you know obviously there is like a narcissism spectrum and even if someone can't be diagnosed as a narcissist because first of all narcissists don't go to the doctor and say I think I might be a narcissist. They're not getting they're not telling the truth. Especially to therapists if they're in therapy they are learning how to manipulate people even more. So it's like even worse if they're in therapy honestly. I don't know. But you know I think if you are feeling like you were lovebombed and then all of a sudden um like you feel like the person discarded you and you feel confused. I don't I think you might want to look even if someone's not I think the word narcissist gets thrown around a lot but I do think that there is a spectrum of narcissism and I think that like if it applies to your situation look into it because there everyone's on the narcissist narcissistic spectrum. Um, but if you're suffering from the symptoms of that, you don't have to like go in circles and be like, "Are they a narcissist? Are they not?" It doesn't matter if they're acting in a narcissistic way. Just read some books on it and you will find healing in understanding that what happened, if you were love bombed, is not normal, and you are going to be okay. And that person doesn't have the capacity to give you a healthy relationship dynamic. And you shouldn't bend over backwards for someone acting in an unhealthy way to treat you kindly or well because they don't have the capability to because narcissistic people hate themselves more than they'll ever hate you at the end of the day. And it's best to just get out of situations like that. I don't know. Just like look into that if you feel like discarded and like confused. I think that'll bring you healing. Another red flag is like someone being like like a [ __ ] boy. And [ __ ] boys can be girls too. It's just like someone that like makes you feel like you're not good enough or like that they want to hook up with a bunch of other people and like you feel small and like you feel like crazy for even wanting more with that person. Anyway, a lot of [ __ ] boys are really charming and they have a way of making you feel like this is like a vibe of person that I interacted with a lot in college where like a lot of people in college are really only interested in hooking up. So, it felt kind of normal at the time, but like I've realized I haven't really interacted with people like that in years, I think. And it's because I think my own standards have changed. But this is something that a lot of girls in college, I think college age deal with. And probably into like late 20s and maybe 30s if you haven't like outgrown that mindset. And I think it is hard to break. But like when you are feeling insecure, I think that is when people are more susceptible to the trap of a [ __ ] boy. Maybe like you meet them at a bar and like you guys are like, "Oh my god, why are we like so obsessed with each other? Like we're having the best night ever and you feel like you're special. You feel like a spark with this person." And really like honestly though, now that I've um now that I've like learned a lot more about relationships, I've realized that sparks are often it's just anxiety. Sparks don't mean anything. Sparks are anxiety. Sparks mean for some reason I'm anxious about this person and how they think of me. And just remember that sparks, if you're feeling sparks with someone like that are like that's a red flag. It shouldn't feel like hot and heavy like all the time. Like it should feel honestly I think the most healthy relationship dynamics are slow burns. But I digress. Whatever. Um, a [ __ ] boy is someone who like you'll feel a bunch of sparks usually and then you'll go home with them maybe and then you'll hook up because you wanted to like whatever. But then you won't ever hear from them unless it's like the weekend and then they like just want to hook up with you and then you feel like you are crazy for having a crush on this person or thinking that you are special enough to have the right to have a crush on this person. But I'm here to tell you that having feelings for someone is very normal and healthy. You don't need to lower your standards in order to fit into someone else's life. So, if someone is looking for just a hookup and you don't usually do that, but you really like this person, I would really encourage you to give up on that person because someone that's just looking to hook up isn't going I'm really mostly talking about men, but this can apply to women as well. Um, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't feel like you have to hook up with someone because you want their attention and you think maybe if you hook up with them enough times, they will want to date you. That is like a behavior that I did when I was 18, 19, the person that took my virginity, I would hook up with them every Friday and Saturday night for like two years, guys. Like it was bad. And guess what? We never dated. We never dated. And then I realized I think that the thing that kept me coming back was just the hope. It was like I was a I've used this metaphor before, but I was just a dog chasing a car in the sense like a dog will chase a car, but it's just going to keep chasing because it thinks that something's going to come of it. But really, once it gets the car, nothing happens. Everyone is just people. Don't put someone on a pedestal because they don't want to date you. And don't keep hooking up with someone because you secretly want to date them and you think if you spend enough time with them, maybe they'll want to date you because it doesn't work like that. Um, [ __ ] boys are everywhere. But it is crazy because once you have higher standards and you admit to yourself, you know what? I want someone that is serious about me. Like I want someone that is showing being direct and showing interest in me and doesn't make me feel small. They disappear. The universe takes them out of your life. I have not interacted with someone that like just wanted to hook up with me in a long time because my own standards.

are just different now. And I don't even, I don't even accept behavior that would give me the sense of that. So I don't even, I've never, I don't have feelings for people that I have a feeling would only want to hook up with me.

So I don't, it's just I feel like that you never once you level up out of that. And I think that is like something that a lot of girls in their early 20s are dealing with. But it can last, it lasts until you're ready to like unlearn it. Like then they disappear. Like as long as you were honest and transparent about like you can, I, I'm not even sitting here saying like, don't hook up with someone on the first date because if you genuinely want to hook up with some, with someone on the first date, go for it. I'm just saying, um, as long as you're being transparent about what you want and you aren't pretending like you just want to hook up and you're okay with just hooking up. If you're not okay with just hooking up, if you actually genuinely just want to hook up with people, go for it. Hook up with all the [ __ ] boys you want.

But yeah, I think, I think just be honest with yourself and you don't, there is no award to be given for being the quote unquote chill girl. I think that that is kind of just something that a lot of girls learn with age. So I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to stop pretending like that was cool with me when it wasn't. I think I used to accept a lot, like the bare minimum from people when I was like, from ages, I don't know, 19 to like 21. I, that was when that, I think that was like the peak of me being like, oh, I, it's fine. I just want to hook up anyway, like pretending. Um, meanwhile, like taking scraps of like love from these people and I just think I wish I didn't do that.

So yeah, I think stand up for yourself and don't hook up with people if you secretly don't want to be just hooking up with them. And do not be a chill girl. If you find yourself constantly having to be chill with behavior that you are secretly uncomfortable with, which is something that I, my whole life I've struggled with of like communicating instead of internalizing everything and believing I deserve behavior that I did not. Now that I have a lot of therapy that I've been through in the past, especially the past year, um, I wish that I would have called out behavior instead of like keeping my eyes closed and not said anything because it would have just saved me time. It would have just saved me heartache and dragging things out makes everything hurt more. And I wish I just had spoken up for myself in not only romantic relationships, but friendships, too.

I think that it's easier to close your eyes and pretend like you don't see anything and that you're not noticing things and that you are cool with everything and that you are calm and rational all the time. But the truth is you should listen to your gut. And if there is behavior being displayed that you are uncomfortable with, say something. If you see something, say something because there's no, no award you get for pretending to be cool with stuff that you're not cool with. So, if you're on a first date with someone and they are, I don't know, making you feel uncomfortable, you're allowed to leave anytime. You're always allowed to leave. If they, if you feel trapped, like I honestly, this is something that came up even recently when that guy I went on a date with asked for 20 more minutes with me and I said, "Okay, I wanted to leave. I already knew I didn't like this guy, but I feel trapped. Why? I wasn't trapped. I could have left."

Um, all right. All right. Well, I think I have to wrap this episode up because the SD, my SD card is full. But I just wanted to say like red flags are red flags are red flags. Regardless of gender, age, it doesn't matter. You are worth standing up for yourself. You are meant to be with someone that doesn't make you feel icky inside secretly. Like when you go to bed at night, if you're like, "Oh my god, why do I feel like I'm stupid and small and young and like my opinions don't matter and that I'm being irrational all the time?" and then you start turning on yourself, that is the red flag. And I think that you'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you end things quicker. Because that way, guess what? The faster you break up with whoever you're with or the faster your situationship ends, the faster you get to meet the person that you're supposed to be with, the universe rewards you for standing up for yourself. Every time I've stood up for myself, I've never regretted it.

So, if you're having even like the icks you're getting, sometimes those aren't really icks and they're actually just like a sign of something bigger. Like when that, when I stepped on a bee and the guy didn't care, that to me, I know it sounds like a small thing and it's an ick, but to me that's a, that's a red flag because I want to feel supported and like my pain levels are like, I don't know. I just want to be in pain and I want someone to care that I was in pain. Um, and no one can make fun of my social media, by the way. That, that other person that said my social media content has been insufferable, that just tells me that that person's insecure and they can't handle being with someone like me. So, I'm that, I'm not going to change myself. I'm not going to change what I'm okay with and what I'm looking for in a partner in order to bend over backwards for someone that was never going to be good enough for me. I guess if you are insulting me in order to make yourself feel better, um, that does not go over my head and I know what you're doing and we're never going to talk again. Sorry.

So, so yeah, I think that yeah, just have standards and I have to go. But I love you guys so, so much. Thank you for watching. Um, rate five stars if you love me. Even if you don't love me, I love you. And subscribe if you're not subscribed. I love you guys. Goodbye.