Transcription
Tires on Netflix, killing it. His specials on Netflix, killing it. Everything's killing it. We did the Staples Center a couple weeks ago in LA. We had [ __ ] fun. Things are going good. I'm still, you know, depressed. Yeah, but that's all right. You know who cares, right? I don't know. I haven't been on a date in 2 years. The last time I went on a date was to the movie Sing 2. Now, I was so excited, but I didn't want to be a pedophile, so I brought someone with me. Now, I was so excited. We shotgun Red Bulls in the parking lot. I go to the ticket office and I'm like, "Two for Sing 2." And I'm so excited. And then I realize there's people smiling, there's people telling my date, "Thank you." And then I realize they think that's my special needs chaparone. They just cut any chance of me getting a kiss on the cheek. So I owned it. I got a free sticker. I got a sippy cup. You know, I was happy. They can't tell a [ __ ] God not to talk during the movies. Oh my God, the gorillas are back! Yes! Thank y'all so much. That's been my time. Exactly one minute. Shane, this is your first time seeing Drew Nicken? Yeah, that was, I mean, that was great. Really. The energy backstage was, he, this isn't an act. He, stand back there, he was like, "Let's [ __ ] go!" It's like, [ __ ] D-Day back there. Yeah, man. You're a lucky man too. Often when people get the brain damage, they become sad and unusual, but you've got like, just joy. You only see me for two hours. Don't worry. Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh my God, he's, he's made of pubic hair, ladies and gentlemen. There's pubes everywhere. You have so many pubes. I've never seen, I've never seen pubes start above a belly button before.
So, so when I got my appendix out about a year and a half ago, uh, I didn't realize that you got to shave before that. So I woke up and they shaved my pubes and it was really hot nurses. So I was like, "Good Lord, did you, did you get hard?" [Music] Yeah, it was a lot. Yeah, you're mostly D like a scarecrow filled with VI coming out your sleep. Lucas Cop, let me open by saying, I'm different than any comic you've ever seen. I'm different than any comic you'll see tonight because I am not suicidal. I'm not. Don't get me wrong though, I feel the same way when I touch a gun as I do when I touch a titty. I want it in my mouth. I'm joking. Did you guys know, uh, Dr. Seuss used to emotionally abuse his wife? Isn't that kind of funny? If you're going to be emotionally abused by anybody, that's the guy. You know, Red Fish, Blue Fish, you've been gaining weight. [ __ ] you look terrible. Horton Hears a Who, and every day I have to hear you. Every day. This is getting ridiculous. I am different than other comics though. Like, I had a good childhood. A lot of comics didn't. A lot of them were tied to radiators and [ __ ]. Not me. Not me. I had a good stepdad. My stepdad was actually the first person to get me into sports. Like, he taught me and my mom how to box. She sucked though. Thank you guys. Yes. All right. I, I love that you went with the Dr. Seuss, the light and friendly stuff after the suicidal thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like trying to finger somebody after you've had a whole watermelon up there. You can. I was just in Portland. That was the weirdest city I've been to in America. How'd it go? How were our? So many gay homeless people. Yeah, yeah. You've just, they fused the gay and the homeless, man. I saw a man saching across the park with a, yeah, with a club. They probably thought we were gay. It was me and James. That homeless guy was probably like, "Those two [ __ ] gay." That's why he didn't attack us. Cuz weig. Yeah, we were going to a bookstore. Poor. You've lived there your whole life. Yeah. 24. You're wearing a Dallas t-shirt and a Los Angeles hat. I went to look. I'm a confused guy. I might be gay too. I don't know. I know how you feel. Yeah. Been through a lot. Shut the [ __ ] up. All right. So she's not gay. Not gay. Not gay. Ooh, you're doing a reverse thing tonight. I'm being nice. Oh my goodness. He's not gay, dude. This is my lawyer. Shane Gillis. Gillis and Gillis, Attorneys at Law. To the Dallas game in Dallas, we went to watch in the stadium and I was wearing a Houston jersey and I, I started feeling glares. It was a dumb move. I like the jersey. I had Clyde Drexler on it. I'm from Portland. Don't. Goddamn. Were they playing the Trailblazers? No. Or the Rockets? I mean, you were. It's the playoffs. They were playing. All right. So you just wore a random jersey to a different game. I was like, it's a basketball jersey. I'm going to wear a basketball jersey to the basketball game. You wore a Houston Rockets jersey. Look, man, I haven't in Texas very long. As soon as I started having black dudes come at me all crazy, I was like, "I'm sorry." They weren't playing the Celtics. What? Today? Not in Dallas. Dallas is no. I was watching them. You. It's a. It's a viewing party in the stadium. Oh, okay. Yes. When you say black dudes were coming at you, what were they doing exactly? I was having sex with them. Tony, I'm from Portland. Was that weird for you to meet black people if you're from Portland? Huh? I, this has been the most black people I've ever seen in my life since being in Texas. Yeah. There weren't a lot of black people. No. In Portland, you guys have more murals of black people than black people. You guys paint them all the time. Yeah. Jeffrey Lee, everybody. Uh, I suffer from extreme Ed European [Laughter] depiction. That's a pro-black Jesus joke, everybody. All right. Do I look like I, uh, live in a van? So I don't look homeless. That's great news. That's great news. I got to make a real concerted effort around these parts. Is that blood all over your leg? Oh, thank you for noticing. Is there a doctor in the house? What is that? I thought you got nailed to the cross earlier. Jesus was born in a manger. You live in a van. Uh, how's life going, Jeffrey? Uh, pretty good. I'm doing it on purpose. What did you pwn all the frankincense and [Laughter] myrrh? Do you have any a musles? Oh, um, I do have a lot of best friends, but okay. Did do some sets in Chicago, Nashville, Jerusalem. Hallelujah. If you're going to [ __ ] do it, do it. Jesus [ __ ] sleepy head over here. My God. Oh, you're over it. Good. I'm glad you're over it. It's red B. Oh, moving forward with all of your creative nature. Jesus Christ, Lord's name. He's right there. Jesus Christ. I love it. What do you do for work? [Music] Uh, ah, we've been there. Carpenter. Listen, um, I recently took up the occupation of a ranch hand. Ah, so kind of. That's how I burned my leg, I think. Yeah, kind of a carpenter. Yeah. You're ball. Jesus turns water into Monster Energy drink. That's all I got. That's all I got. You literally have no idea what that is. Um, I'm pretty sure it's a burn. A burn? Yeah. Well, you did. Did you get burned? It was very hot that day. Were you fighting the devil or something? Come on. Took the old pitchfork to a shin, kind of. It was like I was staking rock and I think I kind of scraped it a little bit. It's hard being a ranch hand, Tony. I don't know if you ever been a ranch hand before. Uh, I have worked on a Brokeback Mountain, so I know all about it. How long have you been in Austin? Yeah, much respect. Uh, for like a month. Like five weeks, probably. You've been signing up for five weeks? Well, you were gone, right? So that was unfortunate. I told everybody, "Hey, help me get here so I can sign up and then you could, you sign up, right?" And then on the third day, you rose again. So stupid. So stupid. Any chance there's an actual doctor out there? Is there a doctor? What kind of doctor are you? Physician's assistant. Can we do better? Can you diagnose for that? [Applause] No. Thanks. Noks. Is there anyone higher ranking than a physician's assistant? Make some noise. All we got. Oh, that's all we got. Thank you, sir. All right. There's a spokesman for the audience. That's all we got. He checked everybody's occupation on the way in. What do you, what would the diagnosis on this be? She put on her glasses for this. Cellulitis. Citus. So what would he need for that? Some peptides. Clex. Antibiotics. Yeah. Antibiotics. Does anybody have [Laughter] antibiotics? I've also got a thing on my foot. If you wouldn't mind hanging out, I've been scratching the mosquito bites and they sort of form one big mosquito bite. Absolutely disgusting. Uh, Jeffrey, very, very interesting stuff. Why not pants [Music] though? Do you rap? I have great rhymes. I wasn't playing on freestyle. I wanted a written. Hold on, hold on. Let me get it corrected. Corrected. What's the inflection? I think my leg has a deadly infection. Help me now. Help me now. Help me now. He should have stopped at the deadly infection part and just left us wanting more. Jake Couter, everybody. So people tell me all the time that I have chicken legs. Like it's a choice. But how else am I supposed to attract black women? [Applause] There's one black lady right now that can't take her eyes off. And she's on the keyboard. [Applause] [Music] I feel like WWE is just like a female orgasm. If I enjoy myself, I don't really care if it's fake or not. Jake Couter, I'm going to cut you off right there. Wow. What is, uh, you have some kind of like condition or something? Uh, you got a little, you got a little wobbly left hand and a little speech something. What's going on with you? I am very nervous. Oh, that's it. I thought he was going to say a light case of cerebral palsy. Oh, we could say that too. Hey, absolutely. There for real. Nothing. I don't think so. I, I mean, I'm not a doctor, but it could be. Well, good for you. We have a physician's assistant here. Ah, bro, say you have something. You'll be a regular. Oh, is that true? Do you date black women? Yes. Really? I, I know this is shocking to me. [ __ ] real life. [Laughter] Kip, how many black women do you think you've been with? I've been with three. Three black women. Oh my God, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. And you went all the way with them? Full intercourse? Yes. Yeah. And do you have any, yeah, go ahead. I was about to say, so you actually talk about a theory on here, um, about black women having warmer. Yes. [ __ ] Yeah. And, yeah. Do you agree with my theory? Yes. And absolutely, it's true. But little fun fact for all you little Texans that have never tried the old, uh, Hershey sauce, you know what I mean? It's a little bit different out there. Their D madness has heard enough. He's gone. There's actually a science behind that theory, though. Because like, you know how you're told to wear brighter clothes in the summer to reflect heat, um, because darker colors absorb more heat? Yes. Somehow, this is the most racist part of your appearance tonight. Go ahead. Continue. So, same thing applies to skin. Skin color. Because black, we know where you're going with this. Uh, we're already ahead of you on this. Where did you find this information? Chat GPT. Chat GPT. He went, he went to Chat Bet. Bacon soda. Chad EBT. [Laughter] You went to Chat KFC. It's [Laughter] incredible. Say it into the mic. It was so bad, it's funny. Where do you go to Chat MBA or [Laughter] something? Do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you're, uh, no, I just do what I'm told. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Absolutely goddamn right. You don't need a phys. Give me 50 [Applause] bucks. What do the black women in the bedroom tell you to do exactly? Um, and say it how they would say it. It's like a, when you're in the bedroom with a black woman and they tell, tell you what to do. You said that you do what you're told to do in the bedroom. What do they ask you to do? But when you say it, say it how they say it. Do an impression of a black woman asking you, telling you what to do in the bedroom. Trying to get this man canceled on his first appearance on your show. I'm very upset. I had such a good first day and you're trying to get me canceled through the black lady. I'm [Music] Don't, don't, don't do it. I know that's why I'm looking at Shane. No, you should do it. Become, become legend, bro. Yeah, be a legend. Shane and I technically both got canceled before our careers really started as well. So you can go right ahead. Dee is giving you permission. I'm even playing black blues music for you, bro. Come on. [Applause] My. Here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. This is Jake Couter doing an impression of a black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom. Ah, [Music] "I'm a black woman, sh. Get down there and eat my [ __ ]. Yeah, I'm just a typical old black woman. Let me see those delicious chicken legs. I got the warmest [ __ ] this side of Oxford." [Laughter] [Applause] Sh. Goddamn, this is a good show. Where do you live? In McDade. What? You're really nervous there. In McDade? In McDade? Yeah. Well, it's called McDade. I call it Mcdad because I feel like then I could tell girls I could beat their mcdaddy. Oh my God, this is a [ __ ] pimp. This guy is an absolute [ __ ] baller. Look, you don't have no idea what to do with that hand. Look at you. You're grabbing onto your pocket. You're wiggling around, touching your own fingers. You have no idea what to do with that [ __ ] thing. I know, cuz every time I practice, I practice holding the mic in this hand. But what do you do with that hand? Let's see what happens if you hold the. What do you do with that hand? Oh, [ __ ] cerebral palsy. You have no. Do both. Just do both. Oh, Shane giving you permission to do the patent wa. Oh my God, in the history of stand-up comedy, there might be nobody more fitting ever to use both hands on a microphone. And you just got permission from the [ __ ] the true Mac Daddy of both-hand microphone holding. Like there you [Music] go. It works. Abe Flores, everyone. All right, thank you guys. I'm Abe Flores. Hell yeah! Finally, someone just eats it up here. We've been waiting for Abe. It's a shame you're not the Abe that got shot in the head while at a show. Been in a couple of other short films. That's it, man. So you did some, who, what characters were you in short films? One time I played a guy named Mo. He was like, um, let me ask you this. Let me get to my point here. The Simpsons, your bartender named [Laughter] Mo. Simpsons in me. Sson. I'm asking you a lot about acting right now, um, Abe, because I'm curious, uh, with all of your acting experience, if you could play a black woman telling you to do something in the bedroom, can you do an impression of a black woman telling you to? Could save your whole [ __ ] set, bro. Yeah, okay. All right. All right. Here he is. Hold on. Let's get the lighting right. This is Abe Flores. That is not my job. Okay. Very. What the [ __ ] man? No need to do it in a racist way. Good Lord. You didn't like that? No, it was great. That was actually really. No matter what you said, I would have said that. When you, but let me just ask you something. What is, what's going on in that scene to where she? Of all the things, I know exactly what's going on in that scene. He's exact. Right. Wait, Abe, answer my question. What is she telling you? Is not your job. Honestly, man, I don't know where I heard this from. This was like in a show or something. If, okay, if somebody knows it, please, please blur it up. I think it's every gas station. I have heard black women say that at the airport a lot. Yeah. Dylan Jarbo, everyone. There's a lot of protest going on in Austin right now. I'm not going to lie. Up until a week ago, I thought Hamas was Spanish for more ham. I got pulled over on Sixth Street. I didn't think that was possible. I thought it was like international waters out there. White guys, we get pulled over. We talk to the police like they're our Uber driver. "What's up, boss man? Busy night? You have an iPhone charger? Can I vape in here?" We didn't have a lot of money growing up. And I was a kid. Every night for dinner, we had macaroni or cheese. I always picked [Applause] cheese. Actually, I had a job interview recently. You got to be memorable. Stick out. He asked me, Dylan, "What do you bring to the table?" I said, "I bring another table." "You're hired. Welcome to Rooms To Go." Thank you, Dylan Jarbo. So you have OCD? What else about you, Dylan? Tell us more. I mean, yeah, I lost like 30 lbs since the last time I've been on here. Really skinny. [ __ ] How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight. Red. Uh, I cut out the Lean Cuisine pizzas. Oh, have you thought about that? No, that's not on the diet food. That's just, that's just what helped me personally. Right? That's what saved me. Red Band thinks that's good diet food. Lean Cuisine pizzas. That's diet pizza. Come on, man. It's in the title. Have a love life? Do. How's that going? What's that like? There's a beautiful girl. How long you been with her? About 9 months. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. It was a Hinge. What was her first date? Our first date was down Hotel Vegas, down the street. She's a, she's a tech gal. She makes twice my salary. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Here you go, guys. We get a HB. She buys the groceries. I buy the bags. Let's just how we do, man. That's hilarious. I got a feeling if you don't stand on one foot right now, she's going to die tonight. Wow. What is the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom? To you, like a Mike Tyson? Maybe a bite. Whoa. Look at that. In the bedroom, a Mike Tyson. Can, man, a different thing. I want you. Okay. A George Foreman. Yeah. The nibbling on an ear is the least horrifying thing on. Mike Tyson could be. You say George Foreman, little Roba do action. Muhammad Ali, Roba do guy. I hang in the corn, play dead for a while, and they go, "I'll just [ __ ] around. Come here." Now that you're tired, I'm going to [ __ ] you up. You're looking good, brother. I want to let you know that I'm not, I'm not ashamed to appreciate a man's body. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow. They're working off, guys. You're ripped under that Bucky shirt. You can never go back there. I'm really not. It's, it's, it's trouble for here to here. Is it from tits up? I look great, but there's a lot of lone star, man. Do you know what I would give to look good from tits up? That's the. If you go in a pool, that's perfect. You just stay here. I got to stay here. I got a great ocean body. Tray on stage. Everyone last night, I got a little too drunk in my Uber. That was pretty messed up. I ended up throwing up, almost passing out. And that thing really sucks when that happens, especially when your passenger is right there. I dated this, uh, black chick recently. It was, uh, it was pretty cool, man. She told me that her husband died. I was like, "That's, that's no bueno." Thanks. I was like, "That's no good, man." Cuz I'm terrified of black widows. I don't like talking about about sex jokes. I don't have any sex jokes at all, mostly cuz I just beat around the bush. Yeah, that's kind of gross, I guess. How do you, uh, kill a gang of clowns? You aim for the juggler. All right, thanks. We all laugh, man. Trey, what's the, uh, bravest, craziest thing you've ever done as a firefighter? Um, CPR, probably. A lot of times, uh, that's probably the saddest thing to see, but it's also, you know, you can get them back. And you've gotten people back before. Yeah, we got. And you put your lips right up to their mouth? No, no. How do you do it? We have something called a BVM. It's a bag valve mask. And we basically put the, the mask onto them, and they get a, a nice equal breath. Wow. Of oxygen too. Should have put a BVM on this crowd, huh? Yeah, right. Hell yeah. So, so firefighting, you ever save a cat in a tree? No. A parrot, though. A parrot? Yeah. You didn't need to save it, right? That's fine. I know, right? It's good. It's good. You ripped it out of a tree? Yeah. I'm colorblind. You're colorblind? I am. Wow. D Madness is jealous right now. It's like, colorblind. I don't even know what the [ __ ] a color is. What the [ __ ] D Madness with his regular ass glasses? That's. You went to Perth? I did. There's nothing funny about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's nothing funny about being in Perth. I got nothing. Oh, yeah. We called it our Perth day. They say the women there are perfect. Yeah, but they're not. They're real hideous trolls. So, oh, [ __ ] raisin p. P. I love it. Thank you for keeping my country safe. We can't keep the ches out on our own. And I want to, I want to say thank you for keeping us, keeping us secure, keeping us a democracy. I may, I'm a musician. I play. No way. What do you do musically? Uh, play [Music] guitar. Wow. Trey on stage. I went to the cafe yesterday, sitting there, and then I overheard a couple having an argument. You know when you hear that sweet nectar of life? You know when you like pause your own music? Then I look who the couple is. It's two gay guys going at it. [ __ ] was crazy. They like both made [Laughter] [Applause] sense. Everybody stayed on one topic. Nobody was bringing up old [ __ ]. Just two logical, superior brains trying to find the solution. Thank you very much. Thank you. He's a beast. I know a really good joke. Yeah, yeah. I started doing it maybe last week and I thought, why not whip it out? Yeah, you were telling me the other day that this show gets you [ __ ]. Your episode hasn't come out yet. Ar. Oh, oh, it may. Okay, that makes sense now. Uh, I was being weird to some girls this [Applause] weekend. I was like, "Ari from Gilon, who you're going to be just fine." I am on the YouTube. I have a YouTube. How is, uh, how's life going other than the Kil Tony World? How's being an Austin? I, I went to Barton Springs. Ooh, the cold waters of Barton Springs. Hung out with like 14,000 Mexicans. Yeah, Tony, these people like to party. Yes, they do. One, two, three, four. Okay, I guess they, there, there you go. There. Red Band's on it. Normally, the Mexicans are ready to work. Not tonight. Okay. Damn. [Applause] [Music] Uno. The middle one put his horn up to his mouth when you hit that. It looked like the middle one. Yeah, they barely fit in there. Someone has not laid off the Lean Cuisine pizzas. [Applause] I have a wood fire pizza. She has a wood fire pizza. What she said? Mobile wood. She has a mobile wood fire pizza. And that's why she [Laughter] is why she got massive. And what do you do for work? I have a mobile wood fired pizza. Oh, you really do? I thought that was, I thought you were riffing. How did, how did you know she had a? I could tell. You know, I had a feeling. She had a golf cart with a pizza oven on it. Hold on a second. Obviously, she said it. I didn't guess that. Every mobile pizza haven in town. Oh, nah. Yeah, I know her. Go. Give me the regular Gianti Chen, everybody. People often associate veterans with PTSD. I'm more worried about the ones with fond [Applause] memories. This is Chen. She's a transgender, uh, Asian woman. Oh, [ __ ] no. I'm just kidding. How's it going? Good. Shane is the most obsessed with cats of anyone I've ever hung out with before the show. He was just looking at pictures of cats. Well, Chen, I do believe wishes he had a [ __ ]. So this makes sense. Well, I, okay dokie. Uh, somehow that was the world's saddest, best transgender joke ever. And I can, I can't believe you just. I got audible Azz from saying that. A person that wishes they had a [ __ ] wishes they had a [ __ ]. Not here. Not on this show. Dude, that's [ __ ] up. That's wrong. Yeah, that's all dicks here. Yeah. All dicks. Yeah. You have a penis? Yeah. I still have one, unfortunately. Are you really a transgender Asian? Yeah. I just don't wear it. No, it's just cuz usually they'd be lady boys, but you're more of like a skank. [Laughter] [Applause] Man, I mean, I do know my way. That's a loud. But my stupid [ __ ] joke got an awe. You don't, you don't have a funny accent. You're actually more of a sky man. I can do American accent. I can do Shane's accent. That's one I've been. Hey, you suck. It's pretty good. You can't, you can't do our accent. America is number one. That's n. You [ __ ] up. America. America. America. How do you say America? America. America. [ __ ] America. Dude, say it with some [ __ ] respect, dude. I love this country. America. America. America. We're a number one. We're number number one. We're number one. Hell yeah. We're number one. Ari Matti's from Estonia right now somewhere. He's like, "We're number 134." We are also NATO, so we also support your missile silos and anti-air defense you place in Estonia. Oh, did I? What else did I miss? Are you transitioning? Is that the terminology? Yes. I take hormones every day. Okay. So you're taking, uh, hormones like estrogen? Yes. And, um, uh, spironolactone to block testosterone? Okay. I heard when you take those, you get a little horny. Uh, horny comes differently now. Oh, yeah. How's it come? How's it coming now? Are you, are you so horny? Well, yeah. Me so horny, right? [Applause] Yes. Have you been taking these hormones for long time or short [Applause] time? Believe it or not, despite being trans, I think hetero relationships are the best. So you're man. What the heck? Wait, why are you going through all this trouble if you're, uh, hold on. I'm confused. No, no, I'm okay with being either the guy or the woman in the relationship. But I don't like, I don't do bi or gay. So I agree. That's gross. That's wrong. Yeah. If I'm into guys, I want to be the woman in the relationship. Like, like I don't want to be like a guy-guy relationship. Right, right. Dadness is losing his mind right now. Famous resident homophobe D Madness. He is not shy about. He is literally D Madness. By the way, she's hot. Just that, if that helps you. She's hot as [ __ ]. Now, let me ask you something because you're transitioning into being a woman. Can you use your penis? It gets hard. Um, I mean, how do I put it? Is this okay that I'm asking this? Okay. Good. I don't want to be [ __ ]. Uh, it's one of those things where if you don't use it, you lose it. So every now and then I would use it because I don't want to lose it, not because I want it, you know? Right. Don't you want to lose it? Well, okay. I thought that was okay. I meant that genuinely. You, you, you actually hit a really good point because that is literally the greatest point ever. That was the, if the glove don't fit point of this interview. Because what happens is, I, I did look into to transition. You do want to lose it. That was amazing. But pretty much, if you look at the surgeries they have nowadays, it essentially creates a wound that's constantly closing, right? So I can't, I can't imagine my life. I'm not well off. Just, just to keep everybody posted, I just made eye contact with the physician's assistant and she went like this. She literally does not want me to bring her into this right now at all. Nice. And I just got the "you are correct" gun from her. Person I'm seeing. After D Madness's angry scoffs are becoming more and more aggressive as this interview goes longer. A lot of you have no idea because he doesn't, he doesn't have a microphone to burn his face. But literally with every question, Jesus [ __ ] Christ, son of a [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ]. It is like, for real, having my dad behind us. Like the [ __ ] Jesus. [Applause] [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] Christ. Don't worry about the haters. Do you know? Yeah, you're going to have to get that. All right. Quinton Jones. I feel good, uh, because I'm actually going through a breakup right now. And, um, I don't, I don't really miss my ex. I just miss parts of the relationship. Like, I miss how we didn't use condoms. That was a real fun part. I'm dealing with like this whole condom economy where you got to like, had a condom at the right time and show it at the right time. And I don't think that's fair for guys because I believe that women hate condoms more than men. Like, y'all do. Like, thank you. You can clap, you know? But because even the woman that wants you to use one, she doesn't want to see it until y'all about to do it. And I know that because on one of the first dates I went on, I pull my wallet out to pay, condom falls on the ground, and she caught an attitude with me. She was like, "Huh? What's that for?" I'm like, "It's for [ __ ]. What you think it's for? I don't understand why you acting so weird. You think I carry around oily balloons to make you a dog? I don't understand." It's like women expect condoms to appear out of thin air. It's like, you're about to have sex and they want to stop you and be like, "Hey, do you have a condom?" "We got hell yeah, girl. It's been behind your ear the entire time." [ __ ] Yeah. Oh, here's a fun thing. I was actually a cheerleader at [Music] Michigan. Red Man, right on cue. Did, did anybody else hear this? Aaliyah wasn't wearing a seatbelt. You know, with this old Palestine-Israel debacle, I heard somebody say, "What we need now more than ever is Jesus." And I feel like if Jesus were to descend from heaven, he'd be a little torn because on one hand, you have the guys who think if you commit Jihad, you get 99 virgins in heaven. And on the other side, you got the guys who sent you to heaven. Yeah, okay, computer. That is my impression of a sarcastic Radiohead fan. That's a pretty good one. I think. All right. I asked my cousin, "Didn't you start an OnlyFans for your dog?" And he said, "It's a coyote, you dumbass." Okay, that's my time ending on that one. [ __ ] Yeah. Do you actually have pierced nipples? Yeah, I got my nipples pierced in Phoenix this past week and they're really, uh, they're super sore right now. But do you want to feel them, sir? I mean, they're totally real. No, feel them, dumbass. You look like me, kind of. Yeah, they feel real, right? They do. Look the same. I've been getting that a lot. And they look the same. Now I'm getting that a lot. Okay. I can't really do Australian. I mean, seeing it on you. I'm going to get a haircut now that I know. No, you look great. Got to get a haircut. H. Okay, I can do your [ __ ] s. Do it. Let's hear it. I'm a big [ __ ]. Look at me. Okay, I'll see y'all later. No, no, no. Come on, William. I didn't really necessarily have another shirt that really could accentuate him. Me. I've started doing a Jazzercise thing. I wear this to Jazzercise, but yeah, I thought I wore it tonight. I thought it would. You're clapping for Jazzercise. Red Band, would you like to explain that? I don't think you like jazz or exercise. So this is all to me. I used to date a Jazzercise girl. Yeah, I haven't heard that one. Yeah, I did too. I think your mom did Jazzercise. Yeah, I think she used to do that in the [ __ ] 90s. Holy [ __ ]. She was looking tight back then. Red Band, I don't know if you remember that, but good night, everybody. Thank you.