Transcription
I want to have sex. I haven't had it in a while. It's been quite some time. I be trying to be a hoe, but it's hard cuz I got feelings. You know, like I just >> [laughter] >> They be like, "Real ass [ __ ] give a [ __ ] about a nigga." ME, [ __ ] I CARE. I LIKE HIM. I LIKE HIM. I like I don't want a hot girl summer, [ __ ] I'm I like him. >> [laughter] >> I try to be a hoe, but it don't work. It don't.
Cuz I always I always get guys who interested. Like in my head I'mma be like, you know what? I'mma [ __ ] him and I'mma have a one night stand. I'mma have sex with him tonight and I'mma go home. And then when I start talking to him, he be like, "Yeah, you know what? You know, I just got divorced. Been divorced for about 2 years." I go, "Oh, okay." >> [laughter] >> "Yeah, you know, I just you know, I'm you know, I'm working. I just bought another house. I let my ex-wife have the house, you know, you know, she's got the kids." I go, "How old are your kids?" Uh, "You know, they're they're in their they're in their upper teens, like, you know, 17, 18." I'm like, "Oh, you want more kids?" "No, you know, I don't want any more kids. I'm done." I'm like, "HUH?" >> [laughter] >> THAT'S YOUR REAL HAIR, THOUGH? >> [laughter] >> SO, WHAT DO YOU UH YOU WANT TO HANG OUT TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, I was like, "I wanted to. I was going to [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of you, but [laughter] you're interesting. I just don't I want to get to know you. I want to go on dates with you. Like, I want to hang out with you, sir."
Then I hear you like, "If you have a one night stand, you're supposed to have sex and leave." Like, what? I'm supposed to have sex and leave? We both supposed to leave? How does it go? Like, you have sex, you wake up in the morning? Like, how the [ __ ] does it go? Do you sleep through the You just wake up and go home? Is that how it goes? You don't know? >> [laughter] >> I'm asking her. Yeah. I SAID I WAS TALKING. SHE WAS LIKE, "THIS [ __ ] DON'T KNOW NOTHING. WE GOT TO HELP HER. She's just up here." You [ __ ] him and YOU LEAVE. YOU LEAVE. YOU GET OUT. >> [laughter] >> I LIKE THE CUDDLE, [ __ ] I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE. YOU HEAR ME? Like I'm just Oh. Ladies, stop talking yourself out of vagina. Some of y'all do that real bad. >> [laughter] >> Cuz women, we you know, we like what we like and some of us know up front. And some you know, some women we going through a divorce, we going through some stuff. Up front we'll be like, I need some. I'll be safe tonight. And we you know, I'll give him some. And then y'all y'all talk yourself out of it. Saying dumb [ __ ] Like we be ready to go and then you'll say some [ __ ] You'll be like, "Oh man, damn. How you" I never knew somebody talked himself out of [ __ ] like that. Saying dumb [ __ ] like, "How many bedrooms you got in your house?" [laughter] I'll be like, "Yeah, YOU HOMELESS, HUH?" I'M FROM NEW YORK. THAT'S HOW LA GUYS TALK TO YOU. AS >> [laughter] >> I HATE Y'ALL LA MEN. CUZ Y'ALL Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.
The men out here in LA, maybe it's cuz I'm in entertainment. I'm always you know, meeting men in entertainment. But y'all don't know how to talk to women. The way y'all talk to us it'd be like, "You live by yourself?" >> [laughter] >> And I'm NOT FROM HERE, SO I DON'T KNOW. I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, I live you know, I just I just I live with me and my kids." "Oh, you got kids?" "Yeah." "How many bedrooms you got?" >> [laughter] >> UH THREE. "OH, THAT'S A LOT." >> [laughter] >> "IT'S JUST YOU AND THE KIDS a lady, huh?" "Yeah." >> [laughter] >> "So ain't like ain't no man around like fixing stuff They trying to see if they could get in. Like Like WHO PUMP YOUR GAS for you? You know, YOU JUST BE PUMPING IT BY YOURSELF, HUH? SEE, all right. >> [laughter] >> "Well, you know what? I think I want to take you out for dinner." I'M LIKE, "NIGGA, NO. YOU NEED A PLACE TO STAY, [ __ ] I'm cool." [laughter] I got a 18-year-old in the house I'm trying to get out now. I don't need another [ __ ] coming in here playing 2K12 or whatever it is. >> [laughter] >> Now I got TO KICK BOTH Y'ALL OUT. YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO DO that to nobody. Okay. Tired.
It is a lot of couples in here. I see y'all. Hold on to your relationship. If you Unless you If you being abused, get out. But, if you not, just hold >> [laughter] >> I always got to say that cuz women be like, "Oh, Tocarra said it's okay." Uh-uh. I didn't say that was okay. >> [laughter] >> If you being abused, get the [ __ ] OUT. BUT, IF YOU NOT AND YOU just want to leave cuz you bored, just hold on. >> [laughter] >> Let me say this. I put this video up earlier on social media. I I fell into this hole on TikTok. And uh it was just like just people cheating. And I fell into it cuz you know when you fall into TikTok, you just be going and going and going. Like, let me say this. If you don't want to be with me, just tell me. If I do something that turns you off and you not interested in me, even if it's momentarily, tell me. Don't go make a [ __ ] up decision because in this moment you thought you didn't want to be with me, and that [ __ ] up decision plays into the rest of our lives together. That's why I never watched the show Snapped. But, now, honey, I'm watching it. BECAUSE I SEE WHY. CUZ YOU THINK IT'S A GAME. >> [laughter] >> THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH SOME OF Y'ALL DUDES. Y'ALL THINK WE PLAYING WITH Y'ALL. AND NOW look at you. Dead. YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED? STOP PLAYING WITH US. OH, YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD DO IT. LOOK AT YOU. POW, POW. [screaming] LOOK AT YOU. WHO CRYING? WHO CRYING? LAST CRY. Y'ALL KNOW WE EMOTIONAL. You know we HAVE A HARD TIME DEALING WITH OUR EMOTIONS. And then you do [ __ ] up [ __ ] THAT PLAY INTO THOSE EMOTIONS that you don't even understand. I'm I'm I'm spiraling into this hole of cheating. First of all, if you in a relationship, you committed, why are you on uh dating apps? Get off of Oh, I just I'm just on there. It's just there. I don't do nothing with it. That's a lie. You were active 2 DAYS AGO. >> [laughter] >> THIS lady said her husband was a stay-at-home husband. She come home, and go to the bathroom. There's a pregnancy test in her bath in her in her in her in her trash can in the bathroom. A It ain't hers. IT IS POSITIVE. WHERE HE AT? DEAD. KILLED [laughter] HIM. ANOTHER LADY COME HOME FROM WORK, HE DRIVING HER CAR ALL DAY. SHE GET IN THE CAR, it's a sonogram in the mother car on the floor. I'M AT WORK ALL DAY, I GET IN THE CAR, AND IT'S a sonogram picture with the [ __ ] name on it. She know you married? Guess where the two OF THEM AT? DEAD. >> [laughter] >> WHY THEY DEAD? CUZ Y'ALL THINK WE PLAYING WITH Y'ALL. WE NOT PLAYING WITH Y'ALL. >> [laughter] >> IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME, JUST SAY THAT. I'MMA CRY A LITTLE BIT. I'mma talk to on Instagram. But I ain't get that you give me time to make my decision. Y'all men and not just men, people be doing [ __ ] up [ __ ] and be surprised when we respond. You did this to you. I can never be in that situation. I'mma talk you through the death. >> [laughter] >> I'm like, you see WHAT YOU DID? NO, Y'ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. YOU SEE WHAT Y'ALL DID? >> [laughter] >> Your mama's not coming alive. You probably won't bleed out in the next 27. Is there anything you like to say to each other? >> [laughter] >> Y'all, we crazy, and y'all do [ __ ] that pulls on that emotion. >> What was that look for, Takara? >> Cuz the the music just be wild. >> [laughter] >> Fat, juicy, and wet. Just Damn, slow down. Damn. >> You what? It can't be fat, juicy, and wet? >> I hate music like that. Maybe cuz I'm in my 40s. I just hate that [ __ ] >> Uh, here we go. >> I like the old school music. I just It just be wild. Just wait a minute. >> [laughter] >> Just be in the club and somebody just start singing this fat juicy and what's your name, sir? God, wait. Cuz I think music influences the how people I was in the airport yesterday. Lottie going to kill me, but I got to say this. I was in the airport yesterday and uh me and my friend was sitting at the TSA and I'm sitting on like the cold metal table and they stopped her just to like, you know, do the extra screening for her purse. And I'm just sitting there and this guy walks up to me and he says, "Are you that comedian?" And I said, "Maybe." And he said, "Are you Tacarra Williams?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, "I love your comedy." And I said, "Thank you." And he said, "You're so beautiful in person." And I said, "Thank you." And he said, "You have on makeup?" And I said, "No." And he said, "So that's your face?" >> [laughter] >> I said, "Who Who else's face is it going to be?" He said He said, "You You beautiful." And I said, "Thank you." And he said, "I always watch you on social media." And I said, "Okay." And he said, "Stand up for me." And I said, "For what?" He said, "Cuz I always see you on social media and I'm I'm now I'm seeing you in person. I want to look at you. So stand up for me." I said, "What you I said, what the [ __ ] you looking for?" >> [laughter] >> You know what he's looking for. >> I thought that was so [ __ ] disrespectful. >> Uh-huh. >> To tell me to stand up for you. You wouldn't even you you your clothes is in the trash bag. >> So he >> His name was David from Chicago. >> [laughter] >> And he wanted you to stand up? >> Stand up for me so I could look at you. No. >> [laughter] >> He just waited till you left. >> going to be a creep, be a respectful creep like the rest of these. You [laughter] know WHAT I'M SAYING? WAIT TILL I STAND UP AND WALK away and watch. Like, you don't stand [laughter] up so I can look at you cuz I always see you on social media and I want >> [clears throat] >> Yeah, do it like he did. You know what I'm saying? Wait till I walk away. You know what I'm saying? >> [laughter] >> I'm just kidding you. I'm just I know. >> [laughter] [cheering] >> He dropping bombs. He ain't even got >> Such a gent- SUCH A GENTLEMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? >> THAT GOD DAMMIT. >> It's a easy date night. It's a easy date night. Sundays. So, you come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. See, I like that. Come on. You're not going to do it. You're from here? You did it. Come on. Come on, fan. Come on. It be the ladies that do it. The fellas be acting up, but he ain't See, he married. Y'all not married? Okay. Okay. Oh, what y'all doing together? Okay, y'all best friends. Okay. Oh, damn. Okay. >> Oh, [ __ ] [ __ ] He stitching like a mother How you know he wanted us to know that? >> to bring your husband and have a god god damn time. What? Okay, well, that too. Well, bring another husband. I don't know how Y'ALL [ __ ] ARE. >> [laughter] [laughter] >> I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT BY THAT. >> EVERY EVERY TIME Every time Every time I host >> [laughter] >> Every time I host, he plays a song to try to make me twerk. And I feel like if you going to try to make me twerk, you need to play a song to make these men shake they dicks up here. Cuz the women want to see that, okay? >> [applause] >> The fellas is like, "Wait a minute, we don't want to see that shit." But you do. >> [cheering] >> God damn. You look genius. >> [laughter] >> All right. Um We have our winner. >> [laughter] >> She was like, "Thank you for thinking about me. [clears throat] I appreciate it." Exit through the door. Thank you so much for hanging out with us for yes. >> Is he your type or what? YEAH. COME ON, ZAKHAR. ZAKHAR. IS that your type? I mean >> You know, y'all y'all y'all y'all are not good friends. >> [laughter] >> Um Because Clayton did Clayton did the nicest thing you could do and y'all just yeah. >> I'M SURE HE IS. >> OH, [ __ ] >> So then he's a good man, so what? >> He's a good man, [laughter] does he come home every night? >> I appreciate you, Clayton, but people you know, I'm >> He bring you a check? >> I'm I'm I'm just not Huh? >> God damn, he said an ice cream date. >> He live in a whole different city. I tour a lot. I'm gone. I'm okay. I appreciate it. >> Y'all Y'all not getting it. >> I appreciate it. >> try. The New Yorker is about to come out of the city. >> YOU KNOW, FOR EVERYBODY ALL FOR EVERYBODY that's saying that he's a good man but he's single and y'all ladies are also available, so y'all I'm okay. >> Yorker is about to come out. >> Y'all listen, y'all not going to be throwing my dough all over THE PLACE, OKAY? [laughter] >> I'M TELLING you the Bronx is about to come out OF THE CITY. >> Y'ALL, BUT Y'ALL NOT GOING TO BE ON SOME OPRAH, "YOU GET THE YOU GET THE YOU GET >> [laughter] >> I AIN'T. I'LL SHOW YOU A great man. I'll show you good, but I ain't, OKAY? LIKE I'M I'm going to BE IN THE STREETS. Y'ALL DON'T WANT ME, FAM. LIKE Y'ALL DON'T EVEN WANT ME. UM BUT [laughter] I'M TRYING >> [laughter] >> I GOT KIDS, I HATE THEM, MAN. >> [clears throat] >> My little one I love, it's my my my my middle one I love, it's my it's just I don't know, it's just But you know what it is? Nobody talks about what it's like being parents to adults. Being a parent we prepare to be parents to babies, to adolescents, to full-age kids. Nobody really has that conversation of what is it like to parent an adult? Cuz you can't really tell them [ __ ] they grown. I got I have three, right? So my oldest, my son, he's 25. I don't really talk about him a lot cuz life whooping his ass. >> [laughter] >> It whooping his ass. I'm like, "DAMN, [ __ ] FIGHT BACK, DO SOMETHING." >> [applause] >> DID YOU AT LEAST PINCH THE [ __ ] YOU NOT GOING TO DO NOTHING? [laughter] CUZ I REALIZED I WAS HIS ENABLER. And in order for him to learn to grow and learn, I had to I got to take a step back cuz a lot of [clears throat] the reason why he does what he does is cuz he know I'mma come and I'mma save him. But life body slamming that boy right now. >> [laughter] >> THEN MY MIDDLE ONE is my That's a lot of y'all who know my daughter, middle daughter Casey. That's she that y'all internet niece. She She about to be 21. And uh then my little one, she 12. And a lot of people don't understand what it's like when you have adults living in your house cuz for some reason when kids become adults, they just feel like rules don't apply no more. Like we don't ask y'all for regular like it like crazy be regular. Like just clean up after yourself. If you use something, replace it. You know, if you if you if I don't want to come in the laundry room and your [ __ ] is in the washer and the dryer. Like I don't like that. I'll take them damn clothes and put them in the sun in a trash bag. I swear to god. You smell like swamp for the rest of the year. >> [laughter] >> I'm clothes up. Casey told me she got a boyfriend. That [ __ ] bothered me. I'm on the phone talking to her. She like, "Yeah, girl, I'mma call you back." I'm like, "Why?" Cuz I'm going to have lunch with my boyfriend. I said, "You who?" She said, "My boyfriend." I said, "Oh, okay. What you doing one of those?" This [ __ ] want to say, "The same thing you doing with yours." [ __ ] I'll kill you. >> [laughter] >> Cuz I know WHAT I BE DOING WITH MINE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, THOUGH? WHAT YOU BE DOING WITH YOURS? WHAT THE [ __ ] IS GOING ON OVER THERE? YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN COLLEGE GETTING AN EDUCATION. WHAT KIND OF WHAT KIND OF WHAT KIND OF [ __ ] ARE YOU DOING? >> [laughter] >> SHE ABOUT TO BE 21 ON ON ON 4/20. SO, now she having little drinks when she out with her friends. She like to call me when she when she under the influence. She like to call call me. I'm a mom. What the [ __ ] you calling me for? >> [laughter] >> It'd be the funniest. Ring ring ring. I'd be like, "What's up, GIRL?" "GIRLY!" >> [laughter] >> "OW! GIRL, CATCH YOUR FACE NOW, GIRL. LET ME SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE." I'M LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT THAT THAT THAT I'M NOT I'M NOT THAT LIKE I'm not I'm on my friends or whatever, but I I'm not drinking tonight like that. Like I'm just out." I'm [laughter] like, "Okay." "Yeah, I'm not drinking." I said, "Okay." "Girl, I'm drinking. GIRL, I'M DRINKING." "GIRL, I'M HAVING A TIME. NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT TEQUILA FEEL LIKE. I LIKE TEQUILA TEQUILA." I'M LIKE, "CASEY, WHERE ARE YOU?" OKAY, LOOK LOOK, RELAX. RELAX. I'M IN THE CAR cuz when she get drunk, she like to sing everything. "What you doing? I'm in the car with my friends or going WHEREVER THE HELL." >> [laughter] >> "I'M A LITTLE DRUNK, BUT I'M GOING TO SNEAK IN THE HOUSE like a mouse." She just be "Mhm." I said, "Go [laughter] in the house." "Okay, I'mma call you as soon as I get in there. Right? You got my location, right?" I said, "Yeah." "Okay." She like, "Hey, relax." >> [laughter] >> She get in the house. 20 minutes later, I text. I said, "Hey, you alive?" "Yeah, don't worry. I'm going to Let me call you. Let me call you." She called me. I said, "Hello." "Girl." I said, "What?" "Girl, nobody told me tequila do that." >> [laughter] >> I said, "What told you tequila do what?" "Girl, I just peed my whole life away. Girl, I'm still on the toilet. I just brought my pillow in here. I think I CAN >> [laughter] >> SLEEP IN. GIRL, NOBODY COME AND RUN THROUGH YOU LIKE THIS. That's a killer killer. >> [laughter] >> I would love her. So today I finally announced on social media. I haven't announced it publicly and I just decided to announce that I I got divorced. >> [cheering] >> Yeah. Look at some of the women like, wait, you just got married. Yeah, um he's somewhere crying in the car, but he'll be all right. He'll figure it out. And I didn't announce it on social media because I didn't want the DMs that I knew I was going to get. Y'all flood the DMs. Y'all have no remorse, no care. Y'all just Like, I don't want that [ __ ] And And the reason why I didn't want it is because DMs humble you. Everybody, especially women in here, we've all gotten a DM from somebody that made us question ourselves. Y'all laughing. You never got a DM from somebody you be like, now why this [ __ ] thinks What about me makes him think Like it makes you like I'm looking in the mirror like I can't be as cute as I think I am if this [ __ ] thinks that he got a shot. Ain't no way IN THE GODDAMN WORLD I'M AS CUTE AS I THINK I AM IF THIS [ __ ] HERE IS IN MY DMS. No teeth in the front. I want TO TAKE YOU OUT TO EAT. HOW? [screaming] HOW? HOW? HOW WE GOING TO EAT? >> [laughter] >> I DON'T WANT NO SMOOTHIE. Y'ALL DON'T WANT THAT. I DON'T WANT THAT. I DON'T WANT TO SIT ACROSS FROM YOU AND WATCH YOU NOM NOM NOM NOM TO DEATH. I don't want to do that. >> [laughter] >> But I still love love. I still love relationships. I still love I still believe I'mma get that person that's supposed to be for me. I still love it. I still want it. That's why I always tell people if you're in a relationship in here, be patient with your person. Be patient with your person. Love on your person. Give them some grace cuz relationships are hard. One of the hardest parts about relationships is the sex. Y'all laughing, sex is an exercise. Sir, I don't [ __ ] unless my watch is on. I'm not doing nothing until >> [laughter] >> count it. I need all calories counted for. I'M NOT DOING I DON'T IF MY WATCH IS DEAD, WE GOT TO WAIT 15 minutes. I need something here. I need proof that I worked out today. >> [laughter] >> SEX IS HARD. I ALWAYS TELL WOMEN BE PATIENT WITH YOUR MAN DURING SEX IS HARD. Y'ALL THINK SEX is easy? Sex is difficult. YOU GOT TO PUT LIKE YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE being being your spouse in a sexual position. You got to think about what they got to do to satisfy you. It's work. So, I'm a comic. I think a little different, right? I'm making up my bed one day, right? I got a king-size bed. I'm changing my sheets. It's fitted sheet time, right? I get three corners of the fitted sheet on, right? The other corner all the way to over there. >> [laughter] >> I don't want to go over there. So, I do what a lot of us do. I crunch as much sheet up as I can in the middle. And then I throw my whole body over THE BED AND HOPE to make it over there. >> [laughter] >> And I made it. I get the sheet on the end. Now, I'm crawling back to the other side and I find myself on all fours. I got my fist tucked into the into the mattress. I'm on all fours. And I stop and I go, "Hmm." I wonder what it's like for a man in missionary position. >> [laughter] >> So, I take a pillow and I stuff it under me. Shut up. And I start like humping in this missionary position. >> [laughter] >> Y'all laughing, when I tell you 30 SECONDS IN, OH MY GOD, I DIED. I DIED. 30 SECONDS IN, MY KNEE HURT, THE back of my leg hurt, my ankles. My neck was hurting cuz when you in missionary, YOU GOT TO LOOK them in the eye. You got to stay focused. I didn't EVEN KNOW YOU HAD TO USE this muscle IN MISSION IT HURTS. >> [laughter] >> I ROLLED OVER 30 SECONDS. I WAS LIKE, "WOO! GOD DAMN!" >> [laughter] >> SO, IT MAKES ME HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR MEN IN THE BEDROOM BECAUSE THIS [ __ ] IS HARD. LIKE, SEX IS HARD. Y'ALL GET MAD because they finish TOO FAST. THEY DON'T WANT TO. >> [laughter] >> THEY DON'T WANT TO FINISH FAST. THEY WANT to go the long run. In their head, I'mma go to I'mma go to long run. I'mma This ain't a What do they say? It's not a a race, it's a marathon. Like, in their head, I'mma I'mma tear her ass up all night. But, then their knees start talking TO THEIR PENIS. ONCE THE KNEES START TALKING TO THE PENIS, YOU You be like, "OH, YOU CAME SO FAST." IT WASN'T ME. IT WASN'T EVEN ME. My knees told my penis, WHICH TOLD MY BRAIN, "HEY, if you going to come down, we going to the emergency room. You better hurry it up." That's not them. They don't want to do that. That's not them. Look at the fellas like, "THANK YOU." >> [laughter] [applause] >> AND FELLAS, YOU GOT TO BE PATIENT WITH YOUR WOMEN, TOO. YOU GOT TO BE PATIENT WITH US, TOO. CUZ WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO DO something and we got to This is the thing. When you have sex and you're a man and you on top, you in control. That's That's your game. Handle your business. But, the minute we get up there, it's our time to shine. >> [laughter] >> You got to be patient with us cuz you on You You only ride me for a minute AND YOU TIRED. I'M TIRED, FAM. >> [laughter] >> LIKE, if you think about sexual positions, when is a man ever just like THIS ALL DAY? HE'S NOT. WHEN WOMEN GET ON TOP, THAT'S AN EXERCISE. That's work. You want my You want my ankles to touch the back of MY THIGH? LIKE, I NEVER DO THAT. >> [laughter] >> I DON'T just be sitting on the floor bouncing. I never do that. So, WHEN I DO IT, EXCUSE ME IF I'M OUT OF BREATH. I'M TIRED. >> [laughter] >> THEN WHEN WE DO IT AND IT'S GETTING GOOD, Y'ALL WANT TO CONTROL IT FROM THE BOTTOM. >> [laughter] >> WHAT YOU DOING? You crazy. What you trying to do to me? MAKE YOU COME. I got TO TAKE THE KIDS TO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS [ __ ] HURRY IT UP. >> [laughter] >> LADIES KNOW YOU STAYING IN ONE POSITION. HE BE LIKE, "YEAH, that's good." No, my knee just locked the [ __ ] up. We stuck like this. [laughter] And as you get older, having sex is embarrassing when you get older. Because your body make noise. Now you That's why That's why we really cut the music on. That's why the music really be on. [laughter] You think we want the music on cuz it's slow and it's sensual and it heightens the mood. No, I don't want to hear I don't want you to hear pop locking in here while we trying to GET IT IN. [laughter] >> TACCARA. CLAP IT UP. Clap it up, y'all. >> [music] >> All right. >> [music] >> Cut that [ __ ] off. Cut that [ __ ] off. Cut that [ __ ] off. What's going on, Hollywood? What up? >> WHAT UP? >> Y'ALL NEED TO WAKE THE [ __ ] UP. WHY Y'ALL LOOK like that? Past y'all bedtime. Y'all showing your age. Y'all better wake the [ __ ] up in here. Yes, I said it. Lot of single women in here. Y'all coming in here in groups looking happy. This single [ __ ] is terrible. This single life is the dumbest [ __ ] I ever did in my life was become single. It's the stupidest [ __ ] in the world. If you in a relationship in here, hold on. There's nothing out here. Some of y'all be like, "The grass green on the other side." But she ain't even real on the other side. Stay your ass where you are. Don't come out here. If you thinking about it, abort mission, [ __ ] Don't do it. Don't come out here. I'm so single, every app is a dating app. I don't give a [ __ ] what it is. Facebook, Instagram, Domino's Pizza, [ __ ] I don't care. Somebody come get me, please, Jesus. Come get me. ENTERPRISE CAR RENTAL, DO YOU KNOW THAT IF you get a car from Enterprise, they will bring the car to you. Did you know that? Not only will they bring YOU THE CAR, BUT 5 MINUTES BEFORE THEY ARRIVE, somebody will text you and ask you, "Do you need something else?" Like, [ __ ] put a tire on. It's a date. Hurry the [ __ ] up. I'm on a curb. Come get me. And I'm at that age where I'm I'm single, but I'm at that age where I either attract real old dudes or REAL YOUNG DUDES. REAL OLD [ __ ] OR REAL YOUNG [ __ ] And when I say old, I mean old old. Full linen suit with socks and sandals old. That's the kind of [ __ ] I'm talking about. THE KIND OF OLD SCHOOL DUDE HE GOT A BLUETOOTH IN EACH EAR. He don't even know he got wireless headphones. He don't give a [ __ ] He don't want it. The kind OF OLD SCHOOL DUDE THAT IF YOU GIVE HIM A LITTLE BIT OF PLAY, HE DANCE. EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO HIM, HE BE LIKE, "COME ON, NOW. Don't do me like that. [ __ ] Come on, baby." [ __ ] It's like five of these [ __ ] in here right now. HEY, CLYDE. SHUT UP. HEY, CLYDE. HE'S SO OLD HE KIND OF OLD YOU HE be in places you need a man. Like you he he just be where a man should be. I'm at the gas station pumping my gas one day. Here come Clyde. Clyde got on a full red linen suit, white socks, white sandals. I don't even see Clyde. I hear Clyde. I'm pumping my gas. All I hear is, He said, "Hey, baby girl." I said, "Hello." He said, "Can I ask you a question?" I said, "No." And I kept pumping my He said, "Come on, I don't be like that. I just want to tell you something." I said, "Okay, what?" He leans in and he goes, "All my kids is grown." He said, "I'm retired. I got a little bit of money in my pocket. What you trying to do?" And then he stepped back and did that [ __ ] right there. I said, "Sir, if you don't get Get ass out my god damn face." I'm lying. I gave him my number. I DID. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. YOU'RE JUDGING ME. I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. [ __ ] HIM. THE TEXTING was cool. It was WHEN I CALLED HIM that it got weird cuz he didn't know which Bluetooth to answer. He just [ __ ] yelling in both of them at the same time. Finally, I said hello. He goes, "There you is. There you is." I said, "How you doing, Claude?" He said, "Shit, I'm better now. I get to talk to my baby girl." I said, "All right." He said, "Why don't you pick something? I want to do something nice for you." I said, "Okay. Let's go to dinner." He said, "Well, [ __ ] I can feed you all like that. All right. What time is good for dinner for you?" I said, "Well, between the kids and work, we can do 8:00." He said, "IN THE NIGHTTIME? AIN'T NOBODY GOING TO GO TO NO GODDAMN 8:00 AT NIGHT. THAT'S MAID SHIT." WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU YOUNG KIDS? YOU WANT TO HANG OUT ALL TIMES OF THE GODDAMN NIGHT. HE START TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I WASN'T EVEN STANDING THERE. HE WAS LIKE, "Look at this [ __ ] GOING TO SAY 8:00. WHAT THE [ __ ] SHE KNOW ABOUT WORK?" >> [music] >> ALL THE NEW parents in here. Who got Who just had a baby? Any new parents in here? Like this [ __ ] Like you just had your Like your first baby a couple years ago? Yeah, [ __ ] you. >> [laughter] >> New parents get on my nerves. They get so offended so easily cuz you haven't experienced anything yet. Your kid is brand new. You still like them. >> [laughter] >> Yeah, this lady come up to me one day. She was like after I had a show. She goes, "Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?" I'm like, "Yeah." She goes, "Yeah, I was at your show and you said something about your daughter and you called her the B word and I just want to let you know that I was offended." And I was like, "So?" >> [laughter] >> What you talking to me for? Well, cuz I have kids and I just want to let you know that I'm a mom and I just thought what you said was wasn't nice about your child. So, I'm like, "Well, how old is your kid?" Well, my daughter is 7 and my son, he's 34 months. I'm like, "Bitch, how old is that?" Like I >> [laughter] >> Okay, that's how I know you new. When you still count your kids in months, you new. You new. You a You a newbie, [ __ ] GET YOUR ASS UP HERE. YOU DON'T GET SHE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS HAND MEANS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT this hand MEANS RIGHT HERE? PARENTS KNOW WHAT THIS HAND MEANS. THIS IS THE WHO you think YOU TALKING TO. >> [laughter and cheering] >> YOU WOULD CHASE YOUR KID. YOU THINK I'M PLAYING WITH YOU? THAT'S THIS. SHE NOT A REAL PARENT. I said, "You ever drove into your driveway and ate your food IN THE CAR?" >> [laughter] >> IF YOU NEVER PULLED INTO YOUR DRIVEWAY AND ATE YOUR FOOD IN THE CAR, YOU AIN'T A REAL PARENT. >> [laughter] >> LIKE I'M A PARENT PARENT. I will pull into my garage, close the garage door, car still running, carbon monoxide all in the air. I would rather die than share my Chick-fil-A nuggets and lemonade with anybody in this house cuz they don't got no jobs. I love my kids. Well, like my my little one, she taught me something about myself. Like she taught me I was like I just found out I was like that. >> [laughter] >> I'm going to fight her like a grown-up. I SWEAR TO GOD. Like she She was like, "Mama, ain't it you're You know, you're you're big." [ __ ] [ __ ] man. Like I just >> [laughter] >> And she teach ME SOMETHING LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW BIG I WAS. I KNOW I'M BIG, BUT I ain't I know I ain't little. Like I'm I'm not small, BUT I AIN'T LARGE. YOU KNOW, LIKE I KNOW HOW big I am. But she said something that told me I come home for one day from work and she got this little max this little uh tube dress on, right? Y'all know a tube dress? Stop here. Stop here. She got a black one on. It say Nike on the side. She fine. She walk around the house like this in a dress. First thing I think is this my 14-year-old, right? I call Casey. I said, "Casey, come here." She goes, "Yes." I said, "Where she get this from?" She said, "I don't I don't know." [clears throat] I said, "You took this from one of your little friends out here. You thought you was going to wear it when I wasn't around." She said, "Mom, I'm 14. I don't wear stuff like that. That's inappropriate." Then I remember, you know, a dark door. I got an 18-year-old son. In my head, I'm like, he [ __ ] in this house. So, I yell. He come down the stairs. I said, "CHASE." HE GOES, "YES." I SAID, "WHAT IS THIS?" He think it's funny. He like, "WHERE SHE GET THAT DRESS FROM?" SHE WALK AROUND WITH THE dress still in front of us. It say Nike on the side. It got a hole in the back. Her whole ass hanging out the back. And she just I said, "Where you get I said, "Where this dress come from?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "You was messing around with a little girl in the house and she left this by?" He said, "Mom, I would never entertain a girl who would wear that. That is just That's not even something I like on girls." I said, "Where she get this from?" He said, "I don't know, but this is funny. Look at her." She doing this. It say Nike on the side. It got a hole in the back. Her whole ass hanging out. She just walking. I get frustrated and I grab her. And as soon as I touched it, I was like, "Oh, shit." That's my knee brace. >> [cheering] >> Cuz you know, knee braces have holes in the back. Whole ass hanging out the back. It say Nike on the side. She just walk around the house. >> [laughter] >> That's your her favorite. I let her have IT, TOO. I SAID, "YOU CAN KEEP this [ __ ] Just keep it. God damn it." She's like, "I CAN KEEP IT?" I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, JUST PUT SOME PANTIES ON NEXT time you wear it. I don't got time for this shit." [laughter] Cuz imagine me taking it back and I put it on my knee. I'm looking at her, looking at my knee, looking at her, looking at my knee. I'm going to cry. WE GOING TO FIGHT. LIKE, I DON'T even want to do that [ __ ] Just keep [laughter] it. She hurt my Who Who the [ __ ] put that [ __ ] on? Like, who? Who walk Who pick UP A KNEE BRACE AND JUST be like, I think I could get into this [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> A five-year-old, a five-year-old does [ __ ] like that. Hurt my feelings. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. >> You got to cut that [ __ ] off. I got to stay safe out here, fam. All the women like, yes, you go clean that mic. Take care of yourself. But the men in here like, yeah, clean that mic, [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> Take care of yourself. Their voice ain't even normally that deep. Yeah, [ __ ] clean that mic. What's going on, Chocolate Sundae? Super Bowl weekend, y'all out here? Y'all made it? >> [applause and cheering] >> Y'all made it. I said any woman in here who got their man here and they the man and the dude made it, you got good vagina because uh some of these teams lost and they still here with you, [ __ ] I can see it in their face. I can tell who was going for who in the face. I got my I'm out here with my thighs out. I'll put them out. It's my last week single. So I was like, let me show my little thighs and [ __ ] You know, let me >> [clears throat] >> Yeah, you feel me? Yeah, you know? Getting married. >> [cheering] >> Let me tell you the funny [ __ ] about it is like when you think you be like you got a man in your house and he a manly man. Like he a alpha male. You don't got to worry about [ __ ] He got it. I got a flat on Saturday. I'm stuck on the 101 with a flat. My dude in the house sleep. I'm calling him, calling him, calling him. This sleep, sleep. And we share locations and I ain't never did that before. But I decided to do it because I travel a lot and he need to make sure I'm good. So I'm looking at his location, it's the house. Sleep. >> [laughter] >> I'm on the side of the highway with a [ __ ] flat. I put I put my hazards on, I get off the highway, you know. I call AAA. Thank god AAA came in 20 minutes. AAA don't never come in 20 minutes. They come in 20 minutes. They fix my flat. I get home safe. I don't tell him that though. Ladies know you got to make some [ __ ] up. This got to feel bad, [ __ ] YOU AIN'T COME FIX MY FLAT, [ __ ] >> [screaming] >> I WAS MAKING UP BEFORE I WENT IN THE HOUSE, I PUT MY HAND IN THE GRASS IN THE DIRT AND PUT IT ON MY FACE. YOU GOING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS [ __ ] FACE DIRTY AS I WALK IN THE HOUSE, I KICK my shoe OFF IN THE GRASS, I'M limping in the house just walking in the house. He sleep, he wake up. HE LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED?" YO, I was like, "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE." "WHAT HAPPENED? I GOT STUCK ON THE HIGHWAY [screaming] BY MYSELF." "WHAT HAPPENED? MY MY FLAT I GOT A FLAT TIRE." "WHAT HAPPENED? SOME OLD MAN came out of nowhere. HE HAD A POSSUM ON A LEASH." >> [laughter] >> "HE TRIED TO TAKE MY PHONE." "THE AAA MAN CAME AND HE HAD A WIG ON. HE was a woman man. HE JUST CAME FROM OUT THE CLUB." "HE GOT THERE. HE SHE AIN'T KNOW HOW TO FIX A TIRE EITHER. WE JUST on the road together." I'm just making up [ __ ] I was going to make this feel bad. You hear me? "And then what happened? SOME PERSON TOOK MY PHONE. I HAD TO CHASE THEM DOWN TO THE NEXT EXIT." HE IN THE HOUSE LIKE, "You went through all that shit." I'm like, "You should have been there." He should have been there. Then he woke up the next morning, he felt so bad. He was like, in my I woke up and he's staring at me. He's like, "You really went through all that shit." I'm like, "Nigga, I'm lying. I ain't going through none of that. SHIT." CALM DOWN. I AIN'T GOING THROUGH none of that [ __ ] I'll just be lying. And my dude, he a relationship specialist. Like, uh. Like, he think he know everything. He like, uh. Like, he a relationship specialist. Like, this what he do. Like, he got clients and they be calling him crying and they I went through some [ __ ] with my man. He'll be putting them on speaker. I'll be wanting to yell in the phone. Leave him, the He'll be trying to talk them through it so he can get them to pay for the next session. Like, I ain't mad at him. You feel me? But, you know what I realized dating him though? Like, being in a relationship with him, you know what I realized? Being in a relationship with a relationship specialist, a life skills coach, you know what I realized? It's me, [ __ ] I'm the problem. Like, I JUST >> [laughter] >> IT'S ME! I'M THE PROBLEM! CUZ HE'S SO CALM. We can get into an argument and he'll be like, "Babe, let's just take 10 minutes. Let's calm down. Let's relax. Let's take a deep breath. Let's come back to this later." I'm like, "Fuck all that [ __ ] I'm going to talk ABOUT THAT [ __ ] NOW." I'M THE PROBLEM. It's me. We got into an argument because he said he thought I said something disrespectful. But, this is the thing. He's like a Southern dude. He from Dallas, Texas. Like, he real like laid-back, chill Southern. You know, I'm from the South Bronx in New York. I'm a whole different mother you feel me? So, when a woman say something disrespectful in New York, that's just a love language. A New Yorker be like, "Fuck you and your mama." And a dude will be like, "And your mother can suck my And then they go get pizza together. Like, that's just a love language in New York. But, with a southern dude, they don't know how to handle that. He was heartbroken. I told him to kiss my ass. He said, >> [sighs] [laughter] >> "I didn't know you talk like that." Kiss your ass your ass Takara your ass. I'm the problem like help me. I'm trying to figure it out. And he just be so calm so patient and he And the sad part is he'll ask me what he needs to do to help me go through something and I'll tell him and then when he do it I'll be mad. I like he like what you need me to do when you having a moment and you losing your [ __ ] mind. And I'm like just be like hey babe what you need you need a hug a kiss what you need. Say that to me it'll help me. And then when he say it to me it piss me the [ __ ] off. We be arguing he be like what you need a hug a KISS I'M LIKE SHUT THE [ __ ] UP WITH THAT [ __ ] DON'T NOBODY WANT THAT [ __ ] >> [cheering] >> Your hug is weak. DON'T NOBODY WANT THAT [ __ ] It's it's me it's me. It's me I'm the problem. He's so sweet he like I'mma love you through all that [ __ ] I'm like bro you sure? Cuz I don't need nobody love me through this [ __ ] bro. I love no the sweetest guy. He is he's so he's so sweet and cute and [ __ ] fine and Even when I told him I was a grandmother he took it so well. I got a 21 year old he got a baby. It's weird cuz I don't even like him. Like how the [ __ ] I'mma like your kid you know like It's weird in my house. Got a little red headed little El Salvadoran kid running around. And he don't like me either. I see him, he be like, "No like you." I'm like, "What the you, bro?" Like So to get his attention, I'll be like downstairs in my house and I'll bounce a basketball in my house. I'm I used to play basketball in high school. So I'm like dribbling and [ __ ] And it's sad because I be telling my kids don't bounce no balls in this house and here I am downstairs just chucking the ball. And then I see his little feet coming down the stairs, feet first. He coming down the stairs. And when he gets to the bottom, he said the weirdest [ __ ] to me. He jump in front of me. He like, "Give me that ball. Give me that ball. Give me that ball." I told my son, "Yo, this weirdest bro." I love him though. He cute kid. He's cute. Only thing that's weird weird to me is the back of his head is flat as Cuz I'm Belizean and Nigerian. My son's dad is Honduran and then the mom is a Salvadoran. So the back of the the kid ain't have a chance with the back of his head. His [ __ ] is flat. I remember the first time I watched him, his mom was like, "Be careful so he doesn't roll off the bed." I'M LIKE, "HOW? His head flat as right there. How?" >> [laughter] >> As a matter OF FACT, I'M GOING OUT, BRO. I'LL BE BACK. You ain't going nowhere. You You good. It's cute. >> [clears throat] >> It's a cute kid. >> [laughter] >> He's a cute kid. He's a cute little baby little kid little thing.