Transcription
into a situation where you are the one who has to deal with the consequences of their actions without them taking responsibility, that is a clear sign of toxicity.
You have to recognize that you deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will not only acknowledge their mistakes but will also actively work to repair the damage they’ve caused. If they are unwilling to do that, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
When you start to see the truth for what it is, you can begin to take steps toward healing and moving on. This might involve setting boundaries, seeking support from friends or a therapist, and ultimately deciding to leave if the relationship is not serving you.
Remember, leaving a toxic relationship is not just about escaping the negativity; it’s about reclaiming your power and your worth. It’s about recognizing that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and that you have the right to seek out relationships that uplift you rather than drag you down.
As you move forward, focus on what you want in a relationship. What are your non-negotiables? What kind of partner do you want? What kind of love do you want to experience? By shifting your focus from what you’re running away from to what you’re moving toward, you can create a clearer vision for your future.
And as you start to build that vision, remember to be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions as you navigate this process. Trust that you have the strength within you to create the life and the relationships you truly desire.
In conclusion, recognize the signs of toxicity, take responsibility for your own healing, and don’t be afraid to walk away from what no longer serves you. You are worthy of love, respect, and happiness.
I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me, and I need your support. It’s not about fixing their problems; it’s about being there for them. When we overstep, we can unintentionally make them feel inadequate or incapable.
So, when you’re in a situation where someone you care about is struggling, instead of jumping in with solutions, ask them how you can support them. This approach not only respects their autonomy but also fosters a healthier relationship.
For example, I remember a time when my husband was dealing with a difficult situation involving his representative who had embezzled money. I was furious and started calling lawyers, trying to take control of the situation. The more I pushed for revenge, the more distressed he became. Finally, I realized I needed to step back and asked him, “How can I best support you right now?” He responded, “You can trust that I will handle this. I might not do it the way you would, but I’ll get it done.”
That was a turning point for me. I learned to respect his process and give him the space he needed to handle the situation in his own way. It’s essential to remember that everyone has their own way of dealing with challenges, and our role is to support them, not to take over.
This is a crucial aspect of maintaining healthy boundaries. When we respect others' boundaries, we create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves and make their own choices. It’s about finding that balance between being supportive and allowing them to navigate their own lives.
So, as you work on setting your boundaries, also focus on respecting the boundaries of those around you. This mutual respect will strengthen your relationships and create a more supportive environment for everyone involved.
I really would like your opinion. It doesn't mean we never give our friends our opinion or our partners, but that's specific. That specific language, Vic, my husband, will say to me, "Now, okay, so are you venting, or are we brainstorming? How can I best support you right now?" And I'll be like, "I'm just venting." It's like, "Okay, good to know," and he knows he's not going to be saying anything because I'm venting. Those nuances of preferences—because that's what they are—that we share with the people we love deepen our intimacy in such a profound way. I love that I do that with my husband too because I would go into, "I just need to be heard," and he would go into, "I need to fix it for you." So we would just end up butting heads. It's like, "Hang on a minute, we both are trying to..." You know, he's trying to be sweet and kind, but I'm not perceiving it like that because it's not the communication I'm looking for right now in this moment.
Yep. I've heard you say, which is so fascinating, about indecision, and I never thought of it like this, but I actually have a great quote of yours: "Crippling indecision keeps us stuck in terrible situations long past the exploration date." Can you explain it? Because I never even thought twice about indecision.
Well, indecision—I've seen this in my therapy practice over and over and over. When someone comes in and says, "You know, I just can't decide what to do in my relationship. I'm so torn," I'm like, "You're not torn. You don't want to know what you already know because you don't think you have the skills to extricate yourself." It's so scary that it's almost like your mind will play a trick on you and be like, "Well, here are the pros and here are the cons." Another thing about staying in indecision is that it's a way to not make decisions, so you don't have to deal with the fallout of making decisions, right? Because you're staying in the in-between, the holding pattern of not yes, not no. But there's something about that—life makes the decisions for you, right? So if you stay in indecision and you don't decide, you are deciding.
So that person who would say to me, "I'm torn about the relationship," in her not making the decision to leave, that tornness was basically a decision to stay. So I always say, "Look at the secondary gain," right? Which is the unobvious gain you get by staying stuck. So how do we know what that is? What are you gaining? Right? So with that client, I could say, "What is she gaining out of being in indecision in her relationship?" And the question you ask to decipher that is, "What do I get to not face, not feel, or not experience by staying stuck here?"
So in her case, when she could finally answer the question, "I get to not face the state of my relationship. I get to not feel terrified of having a conversation I don't know how to have. I get to avoid that." But then we look at, "But what do you lose? What do you lose?" Right? And, you know, of course, we got to, "What do you lose?" You lose the option of finding healthy love that you really want to be in, having a relationship with yourself that isn't all about codependency. So there are a lot of things, but I feel like that secondary gain—that one question—is so powerful, no matter where you are stuck in your life. If you can reveal the unobvious gain you're getting unconsciously by staying stuck, it makes it so much easier to get unstuck.
Terry, you'll be so freaking amazing! Everything we've spoken about today has been so powerful. I love bringing new thoughts, new ideas, and new growth into my own life. And so how you've broken down boundaries and really identified the trouble that we get ourselves into is so beautiful. Where can people find you and your amazing book?
You can go to terrycole.com. You can also get the book at boundarybossbook.com. I have a ton of bonuses that I'm still giving out for people. If you want to take the boundary quiz, just go to boundaryquiz.com and get your archetype. I guarantee you—at least I already know yours. I'm not going to say it; you're going to take it, and you're going to tell me.
Okay, okay, that's a deal! We're going to do that on Instagram. I'm just Terry Cole, and I have the Terry Cole Show, which is a podcast I've had for the last almost seven years.
Right now, learn the seven ways to spot manipulation and gaslighting. When we are truly dealing with a manipulation strategy, we tend to get gaslit into believing that what we're seeing happens didn't happen.