Transcription
When you are dealing with a controlling, spiritually abusive pastor or spiritual leader, you're often told that you just need to submit to authority and not touch God's anointed. You're made to feel like questioning their behavior is a sin against God himself. But what if their behavior isn't biblical authority at all? What if the Bible actually gives us a perfect case study of a toxic controlling spiritual leader and explicitly condemns his actions.
In this video, we're going to look at a man named Diotrophies, the controlling leader that the Apostle John warned us about. There is a specific playbook that he used to dominate the church. And once you see it in the Bible, you will recognize exactly what is happening in your own environment.
Now, first, for those of you who are new, welcome. I'm Shenine. Welcome to Toxicity is Not Your Destiny, where I put out weekly videos on how to navigate toxic relationships in your life from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective. So, if you're navigating toxic relationships and you need biblical wisdom with practical tools, you're in the right place. So, hit that subscribe button if you'd like to receive regular content from me. Now, let's get into the video.
All right, let's start with part one, the root of the problem. Let's look at the introduction of Diotrophies in the third epistle of John. "I wrote to the church, but Diotrophies who loves to have the preeminence among them does not receive us. Therefore, if I come, I will call to mind his deeds, which he does, praying against us with malicious words. And not content with that, he himself does not receive the brethren, and forbids those who wish to, putting them out of the church."
The phrase "loves to have the preeminence" is translated from one Greek word, *philop proateo*. It literally means "bond of being first." It is the craving to be the center of attention, the ultimate authority, the one who cannot be questioned. Now, we cannot clinically diagnose a historical figure from just two verses of the Bible. But what we can do is look at the specific behaviors that Jon identifies and recognize the pattern. And the pattern is unmistakable. A grandiose sense of self-importance, a demand for unquestioned authority, a lack of empathy for the people he casts out, and an arrogance so deep that he rejects the Apostle John himself. These align perfectly with what we now understand as narcissistic patterns of leadership.
This craving to be first is the original sin of Satan who declared, "I will exalt my throne." It is the exact opposite of the nature of Christ. Look at what Paul writes in the Bible: "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, who being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, taking on the form of a bondervant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross."
Do you see the contrast? Christ made himself of no reputation. Diotrophies loved to have the preeminence. Christ took on the form of a servant. Diotrophies lorded over the church. Christ humbled himself. Diotrophies exalted himself. So when a leader operates from *fop proateo*, they are not operating in the holy spirit. They are operating in the spirit of pride. They view the church not as Christ's bride to be served, but as a platform for their own ego. Why do they need to be first? Because narcissistic leadership is fundamentally insecure. They cannot tolerate a vacuum where they are not the center. And you know what that looks like? It's the leader who requires a green room while the volunteers are exhausted. It's the pastor whose name is on every ministry, every building, every book while the people doing the actual work remain invisible.
And this isn't limited to the pulpit. It's also the husband who positions himself as the sole spiritual authority in the home. The one who decides what you're allowed to read, who you're allowed to talk to, and how the Bible applies to your life. He doesn't need a congregation. The family is his congregation and *felo* operates the same way behind closed doors as it does behind a podium.
And notice that Diotrophies "does not receive us." Referring to the Apostle John himself, a toxic leader cannot handle anyone who has legitimate spiritual authority or who might hold them accountable. They must be the smartest, most anointed person in the room. They operate in a closed system of unaccountability. You know what this feels like. It's that moment when you bring a legitimate biblical concern to leadership or you suggest bringing in outside counsel and they immediately shut it down. They cannot tolerate any voice that competes with their own. They use "touch not God's anointed" as a shield to deflect all scrutiny. So that's the root, *bow porto*, the love of being first.
Now, let's look at the fruit of that root. I want to walk you through three specific abusive behaviors that John identifies in verse 10. He doesn't just tell us Diotrophies was prideful. He gives us the receipts. And I want you to pay attention because these three behaviors still operate in toxic environments today.
Number one, false accusations. John says that diatrophies was "praying against us with malicious words." The Greek word for praying is *fuo*. It comes from a root meaning water boiling up and throwing off bubbles. And since bubbles are hollow and useless, it came to mean empty, baseless talk. The only other time a form of this word is used in the Bible is in 1 Timothy 5 where it describes idol gossips. But Diotrophies wasn't just gossiping. He was combining this empty talk with malicious words, evil words. He was bringing false accusations designed to destroy John's reputation and turn people against him. This is why you feel crazy trying to defend yourself. You're trying to fight bubbles. And there's no substance to their accusations, only noise designed to distract the congregation from the real issue. When a toxic leader feels threatened, they don't address the issue. They attack the person. They twist the narrative to make themselves the victim and you the villain. Often using spiritual language to turn the congregation against you. If you have watched my video on the Absalom spirit, you have already seen how a manipulator uses false narratives and flying monkeys. Diotrophies was doing the exact same thing 2,000 years ago. And in a marriage, this could sound like, "You're in rebellion against God's order," or "You have a Jezebel spirit," or "If you were really submitted to the Lord, you wouldn't be questioning me." It is the same *fluareo*. Hollow, baseless accusations dressed up in spiritual language to make you doubt your own perceptions and discernment.
Number two, isolation and control. If the false accusations don't break you, the person moves on to step number two, isolation. John says, "Diotrophies does not receive the brethren, but forbids those who wish to." Diotrophies controlled who had access to the church. He decided who was allowed in and who was kept out. Toxic leaders isolate their congregation. They warn you against listening to other teachers, reading certain books, or associating with people who have left the church. They demand exclusive loyalty and create an "us versus them" mentality. If you've ever been told, "Don't listen to anyone outside this church," or "Those people who left were deceived." That is the spirit of datrophies at work. In a home, this could look like a spouse who slowly cuts you off from your family or your friendships or your community. Anyone who might validate your concerns or offer you an outside perspective. He controls who comes to the house, who you spend time with, what conferences you attend. The walls of your home become the walls of his church.
Number three, casting people out. And when isolation fails to control you, they pull out the ultimate weapon. John says, "Dotrophes was putting them out of the church." If you don't comply, you are cast out. This isn't biblical church discipline for unrepentant sin, which is meant for restoration. This is a weaponization of authority to punish dissenters. The difference is the intent. One is love. The other is control. This is called spiritual coercion. In a marriage, this could look like the threat of divorce or abandonment or financial withdrawal if you don't fall back in line. It's the, "If you keep pushing this, I'm done." It's the silent treatment that lasts for days until you apologize for something you never did. The message is the same as datrophies. Comply or be cast out. If you have been pushed out of a church, shunned, or labeled rebellious simply because you asked questions or refused to enable abuse, I want you to know that was not God rejecting you. That was a Diotrophies protecting his empire. God does not endorse the abuse of his sheep.
So to recap, false accusations, isolation and control, and casting anyone who doesn't comply. That is the playbook. If you just heard those three behaviors and thought, "That is my pastor," or "That is my spouse," I want you to name what happened to you. Spiritual manipulation. The specific weapon they used against you was the Bible itself. And here's the thing, as long as you cannot untangle the verses they used against you, you will stay stuck in the fog. You'll keep second-guessing yourself every time they quote "submit" or "forgive" or "touch not God's anointed." That is why Jeie, my co-coach, and I have built a 4-hour live workshop called "Unweaponizing the Word." We take those exact passages, submission, forgiveness, headship, touch not the Lord's anointed, and we do some exogetical work together so that you can hear those verses and feel steady instead of shaken. So, if you're interested, the link is in the description box below. And if you're watching this after May 30th, that same link takes you to a wait list for the recording.
All right, let's get into part three. And this is where it gets really important. This pattern of leadership is not just a historical footnote. It is a warning for the last days. The Apostle Paul warned Timothy about the exact profile of leaders who would emerge in the end times. "But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away."
Look at the overlap with Diotrophies. Lovers of themselves. That is *philopo*. The love of being first. Boasters, proud. That is the arrogance of rejecting apostolic authority. Slanderers. That is praying with malicious words. Headstrong. That is refusing all correction. And here's the key: "having a form of godliness but denying its power." They operate within the church structure. They have the title, the platform, the Sunday morning performance, but they deny the true power of Christ, which is humility and servantthood. And what is Paul's command? "From such people turn away."
Now, here's the danger I want you to understand. When you stay under this kind of leadership, three things happen, and the spiritual stakes are incredibly high. First, you are being blocked from access to the true, uncompromised word of God. A Diotrophies will twist scripture to serve his agenda. And you aren't just losing a healthy church environment. You are slowly being trained to accept a distorted version of Jesus. Second, you are being cut off from people who are true shepherds, leaders who are actually walking in genuine spiritual authority, who would challenge the abuse and point you to Christ. Third, you are in danger of the very thing Jesus warned about in Matthew 15:14: "They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch." Both the blind leader and the blind follower fall into the pit. Not just the blind leader. That is the spiritual danger of remaining under a Diotrophies.
So what is the solution? How do we protect ourselves? Take a breath right now. Have you been punished for asking a biblical question? Hold on to that feeling because I want to show you how God actually responds to questions. We adopt the standard of the Bereans. "These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica in that they received the word with all readiness and searched the scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so." The Bereans were commended by God because they did two things. They received the word with readiness. They were open and teachable. And they searched the scriptures daily to verify what they were being taught. They didn't just blindly accept what they were told. They tested it against the word of God. A true spiritual leader will invite your questions and encourage you to search the scriptures. A Diotrophies will punish you for it. That is the difference.
If you were cast out by a Diotrophies, hear me clearly. You did not leave God. You left a tyrant, and God is walking out those doors right beside you. I know the wounds of spiritual abuse run deeper than almost anything else. When the very people who were supposed to represent God to you end up representing the enemy, it shatters your soul. But God sees your wounds. He knows exactly what was done to you. He is the ultimate good shepherd, and he is the restorer of your soul. Remember, the "Unweaponizing the Word" workshop link is in the description box.
And this brings me to the end of my video. Thank you so much for watching. If this video helped you, please consider hitting the subscribe button to this channel so we can continue this journey together. I'll see you in the next.