Transcription
Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and a doctoral student of psychology. Today I wanted to go over signs that a lady is keeping you as an option. Basically, she's using you. And I don't want you to waste your time.
I think a lot of you guys, based on some of the things you've described in the comment section, throughout some of my videos, you guys have had pretty bad experiences with women who use you or hurt you or take advantage of you. And so today, I wanted to make a video of some of the signs I think you can look out for so it doesn't happen again, but you can still start dating and connecting with ladies without having to worry about this or at least knowing the signs so you can leave as quick as possible.
The first one, I think, is tricky because people do do this and they're not using you, but it's more of something if you notice it continuously. If they cancel plans last minute without rescheduling. And I think the without rescheduling is more important than the cancelling last minute. There are people who do cancel last minute because they um they have a lot of things going on in their life. I have a personal thing where I don't like people who cancel things last minute, but I'm trying not to cuz I'm like really rigid and specific and I don't do that cuz I measure my day out pretty much every day. But I know I'm like strange for that. So, I know a lot of people cancel last minute or show up to events like late. I hate that. I I know that's not right of me to be so controlling about that, but I don't like that. So, I'm trying to be lenient about this. But, in general, I feel like it's still disrespectful. And I want you guys to understand if you're not like me where you're not rigid or whatever and you let people do this continuously, you're going to get I don't want you get used, but that might be what's happening. Especially if they don't reschedule or they don't follow up or if they don't apologize like something along those lines and they're continuously doing it.
And if you are someone who's like me that you're really rigid, I learned that people like this I just can't stay too close with because it's very opposite of the way I am regardless of being used or not. It's really hard for me to be with like hang around people too in depth who are really unstructured with their time. I'm even the I'm a morning person and I don't like people who are not it's not that I don't like it's hard for me to get along with people who are not morning people because it means that every the whole entire way that we'll communicate and connect will be very different depending on the timing. Right? So I'm I'm in a relationship. My significant other is also a morning person. If he wasn't I think our relationship would have a lot of issues. And so also just something to keep in mind, how you view plans is very specific to you. But I want you to adhere all of these things to your personality and what's best for you because something that you think is okay, another person might not. So I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But in general, if they continue to cancel those plans, figure out what's going on because that's not healthy for the relationship.
The next one is something that some of you guys, I think, have struggled with in the past when I made a video of things you should never do for a woman. If she reaches out and mainly it's because she's asking for a favor and you continuously do that favor, but she doesn't reach out for anything else or she reaches out to like lean on you emotionally about a lot of things, but she doesn't let you talk about your emotions. That's really not a good sign because most women who care about you, they want to hear about what's going on with you. And if she doesn't and she only wants to spill out her emotions onto you, she's using you to just regulate herself because she cannot regulate, which is unhealthy for her. It's not healthy for her and it's not healthy for you. And so who it's not helping anybody doing this. So, anytime she's reaching out and it's for a favor, of course, you can do that favor. But if it's only for that, that's when a boundary needs to be set. And it's not just a boundary as in for her, but in general, you don't want to put yourself in that situation in general, even with friends.
The next one is she's charming and flirty. She's very emotionally available and expressive some of the time, but she's inconsistent. And so she's flirty, she's charming, she might even be intimate with you, but it's very inconsistent. And this is a very difficult situation to be in for one of two things. One, she's keeping you as an option, which is what we're talking about. But the other one is she could just be very emotionally deregulated. And both of those situations long-term is going to be unhealthy for you. And it's going to affect your self-worth, your mental health, your emotional well-being. And overall, I don't feel like this situation is a best option for really anybody, regardless of gender. What I've noticed is folks that are very um like they're very obvious with their gestures, grand gestures, but it's not consistent. Seems to be more emotionally unstable typically than folks who are maybe not as grand gesture oriented but consistent and showing up. They might not be as flirtatious. They might not be as charming but usually it's because they don't have to compensate for what they're lacking. Right? People who are flirty and consist um inconsistent or charming, it's usually because subconsciously or consciously they're overcompensating so that you don't realize you're being used or you don't see what actually is going on or they keep you they string you along to some extent. Whereas somebody who's consistent, they don't need to do any of those things cuz they likely feel like, okay, they're putting in the work. If you leave, that's a you thing. They know they did their best, right? And so that's the difference. If a woman is consistent, even if it's not as obvious, I would say for a healthy option, probably the consistent one is better. And sometimes people get that mixed up. Both genders. They think that the person is uninterested because they're not as over the top because they're used to somebody being very almost overwhelmingly obvious that they like you, but then it's very inconsistent. A person who cares about you, they don't need to put on a show.
The next one is she's available to other men, but not to you. Now, I really hope none of you guys are in this situation, but I have a feeling somebody is. And so, that's why I put this in here, or you've been in this in the past. If a woman is available to other men, I mean, I can't believe I have to say this, but if she's available to other men, but not to you, you're being used. Like, I I don't understand another option. And you're going to say, some people will say, "No, she has an attachment issue, or she's got trauma, maybe." But you're still This is still not healthy. There are plenty of people of trauma who have issues with attachment and their childhood and they don't do this. So why are you with somebody that's doing this? Like that's just not she's not she's holding out on you but somebody else. To me it just means that she's using you or she doesn't like you or she thinks that she can get away with crossing your boundaries. Whatever it is, do not put yourself in the situation. And especially if it's like she's available and she's intimate with other people. Are you I mean if you expect her to add one day one day be intimate with you. I don't know how many people she's doing that with. Like I you probably don't know either. And that's not healthy for you. Like that's a lot of different people she's coming into contact with. I don't know if that's hygienic. I don't know. That's not for me to decide. I'm not a medical doctor, but doesn't sound like a great situation to me. Maybe that's your thing. I don't know. But she's probably keeping you as an option.
The next one is her stories don't add up. Sometimes people their stories don't add up because they forget things. But especially with all of these combined that's very odd. I actually don't think most people like if you ask people most of the time their stories do add up. So it's already kind of weird if someone's story doesn't add up. But there might be specific cases where people are forgetful. But overall if her stories don't make sense or they don't add up. I think that you should try and reflect as to why her stories are not adding up and what she's doing to change those stories. What she's leaving out that makes it not add up. So, for example, if you said, "Hey, I want to go on a date with you. Let's uh can I pick you up at 7 p.m.?" Whatever it is, however you guys initiate. I'm not a man. I don't know how to do that, but I tried in this example. And maybe she said, "Oh, yeah, that sounds really good. I'll let you know." And then the morning of you don't hear anything. And then around 700 p.m. you don't hear anything. And around maybe like 8:30, she says, something along the lines of, hey, I fell asleep and, you know, I ended up, you know, having some plans, whatever it is. And so, the reason why I gave that example is because a lot of times what people don't realize is, okay, that makes a lot of sense. She pro, she could have fallen asleep. Maybe she did have plans, but the reason why that doesn't add up, at least to me, is because you made plans earlier. And if she fell asleep, she could have just said, "Hey, sorry. I'm going to be late. I fell asleep. I'm really sorry. I hope that you still want to do this. I can do it at 9:00 p.m. Like she'll want to make up that lost time, but it's almost like she made a really poor excuse and it still doesn't make sense with the story. Another version could be that she said, "Hey, you know, last week I was with my friends, that's why I wasn't talking much." And and then maybe later she starts telling you that during that week she's really frustrated because a guy canceled on her. And so that doesn't add up because they're two different stories. And so either way, when the stories don't make a lot of sense or her actions don't make full sense with what you're experiencing, don't doubt yourself, doubt her, because logically that's not making any sense. And especially if it's a repeated type of thing, she might not be the person for you.
And the last one is a is similar to what we already talked about, but if she has time for everything and everyone, not just men, but not for you, that is a really tricky one. I mean, that's obvious, but at the same time, a lot of people don't know that if she's available for her friends, if she's going on vacation, she's going, I don't know, backpacking in Sweden, whatever she's doing, and she's traveling internationally, she's, I don't know, she's taking a day trip all the way up to like, I don't know, New York or whatever, she's doing all these things, and she's taking time out of her day, out of her time to even spend time reflecting with herself, um, her friends, her brother, her uncle who comes from who knows, California. She's making all these different connections with so many other people sometimes to the point where you're thinking, "Okay, this almost seems excessive cuz maybe she's lying to you. I don't know." But she doesn't have time for you. Her excuses don't make sense. She's not fully honest with you. She's not direct with you. And the reason why this can be incredibly rude and offensive is because there's a part of her that believes that she can still do this and get away with it. Because if she really didn't want you around, often women are not always, they're not, many of them are not afraid. If they don't like you, it depends on who you are. Depends on the character, but a lot of women, especially if they're more manipulative like this, they're okay with admitting they don't want you. Like some of them are downright cruel when they reject people. I've seen it. And so, she has no problem rejecting you typically. So, the reason the only reason why she's circling around these things is not because she's trying to hint at you that she doesn't like you, but because she thinks that you will still stick around when she needs you. And I think that's incredibly offensive, but I'm not going to be offended for you whatever the case is.
I did use a little bit of research um in this video, but not really too particular. So, it's not it's not something that you need to look at, but it's still in the description box. I hope this video is helpful to somebody. Please like, subscribe. I'll see you in the next one.