Transcription
Chapter one. So you want to be Polly. Are you sure? How did things come to be this way? Ishmail. Before you open your relationship, before you swipe right, before you buy your ticket to a play party, pause. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? It sounds simple, but this is where more relationships crash and burn than anywhere else. If you're not clear on your why, why you're doing this, you'll stumble hard.
I don't know why I'm Polly. When asked why she chose to become polyamorous, Cindy couldn't give an answer. She was literally stumped. She knew that her partner asked her about it for years and that she loved her partner dearly. But when pressed for her personal why, she didn't have one. And now she finds herself 5 years into a marriage with a child and stuck in a relationship that doesn't meet her needs and doesn't resonate with who she is. She is struggling to balance her own needs with the desires of her partner to move in a direction that she's not comfortable. She is literally stuck.
Why is polyamory appealing to you? Is it because you're struggling in a relationship and you want to give yourself some latitude? Is there a calling inside of you for a new way of living? Or perhaps you're in love with someone else and trying to reconcile that love within your existing primary relationship. Do you have a high sex drive and need more outlets? Or are you just having trouble seeing yourself in an intimate and loving relationship with only one person?
Establishing clarity around your why is essential. Research shows that self-reflection and understanding one's motivations can significantly impact relationship satisfaction and longevity. If you're not clear on why you're opening your relationship, you are likely to run into Cindy trouble. Maybe you're not genuinely committed to polyamory. Perhaps you're just doing it for your partner's sake. If that's the case, it won't likely work. And your relationship will feel as uncomfortable as wearing your mom's prom dress to the grocery store. Your motivation should come from within. It gets to be your decision to pursue an open relationship.
I want out, so I'll be Polly. Sully and Jen started from a place of dissatisfaction, thinking, "What's happening in my life isn't working, so I'll try fixing it with an open relationship." Sully had cheated and Jen was trying to find a way to make peace with his infidelity. So, she suggested opening up their marriage. Then whenever they began to engage with someone else, she became enraged with jealousy and rehashed his cheating, often causing a scene with their new lover and leading her heart to heartbreak for all three of them. Be clear that you are deciding to move for towards something rather than away from something. If you're opening your relationship as a result of pre-existing damage, your primary relationship is likely to crumble. At the very least, a breakdown in communication will almost definitely ensue. I speak from personal experience, and I urge you to take a moment to reflect. Is this my choice?
Exercise, finding your why. Grab a notebook and write down the following. What excites me about open relationships? What scares me about them? Do I see this as a core part of who I am or something I want to try? How do I want my partner or partners to see it? What would hurt me the most? Giving this up or never having tried it? You don't need polished answers. You just need honest ones. Being Polly doesn't make you enlightened, edgy, or better at love. It just makes you poly. But knowing your why, why you're doing this, that's the difference between building something sustainable and burning your whole house down because you confused an experiment with a calling.
What do you want? Begin with the end in mind. Steven Cvy. Let's talk about vision. For about 5 years, I ran the Boston Breakthrough Academy, an emotional intelligence leadership program for adults, and we spent a significant amount of time discussing the concept of vision. Taking action without vision is merely busy work. Conversely, having vision without action is just a pleasant idea that remains unfulfilled.
I don't know what I want, but I don't want this. Jack was recently lamenting about how his lovers never met his needs. He went on for nearly an hour talking about the trends of partners not making an effort for him or not considering his boundaries, not making him feel special and on and on. But when asked rather than tell me what you don't want, what do you want? He responded, "I just told you." He couldn't understand why others letting him down, why others were letting him down, yet was oblivious to the fact that he was unclear as to what he wants. If you aren't clear about your own desires, no one will be able to meet them and you will continuously be let down. So, take the time to get clear on your vision.
Exercise the perfect day. If you are stumped about what you want, let's start you off with a meditation. It may be helpful to have someone read this portion to you. I invite you to close your eyes, take a deep breath in, and imagine waking up on your perfect day five years from today. Imagine stretching in bed with a smile on your face and slowly, slowly opening your eyes. Where are you? What do you see around your room and out your window? Are you looking at trees and birds or waves and sand? Who are you lying next to? Are you lying beside your partner, your lover, your favorite cat, your child? Or are you staring at your reflection in the mirror? What sounds fill the air? your favorite song, a child calling your name, or the sounds of dishes clanging as breakfast is being made. Notice that your window is open. Do you hear or feel a gentle breeze? Allow yourself to feel joy and anticipation for your day as you whisper to yourself, "This is going to be my perfect day." How do you spend your morning? What do you prepare for breakfast? Do you dance in the kitchen, read your favorite book? Make love. Allow yourself to be filled with joy. And as you decide to walk outside, what do you do with your time? Do you spend who do you spend time with? What do you see yourself doing? Are you playing frisbee in the backyard or on a grand adventure? Allow yourself to feel pride in being exactly where you are. As you come back to your perfect place after spending the day with your favorite people, what do you come home to? Who do you come home to? Is it peaceful, safe, warm? And as you crawl back into bed, you take a deep breath and smile and gratitude for what you've just created for yourself on your perfect day. Now, open your eyes, take a deep breath, and take a moment to write down every detail you remember. This is a valuable way to get started on clarifying your vision.
As you build your vision, consider a couple of essential aspects. Reflect on your personal vision for yourself. Are you in the best shape of your life, the best health? Have you been working out? Are you feeling fit and energized or well-rested? Number two, think about your relationships. Is your marriage a 10? What does a 10 mean to you? Are you in other romantic relationships? Have you rekindled the spark in a long-term partnership? Are you supporting each other's growth? What is your truest desire? The fastest way to change your life is to change your focus. Tony Robbins.
I'm in flow. One. One of the things that used to drive me insane when I first moved to San Diego was the number of people who claimed to be in flow but were constantly poor, single, and unhappy. Maria happened to be one of these people. She was magnetic and had a ton of friends and interesting short-term relationships, but she never felt fulfilled and was constantly complaining about her lot in life. When I asked her for one specific outcome that she could work toward and focus her efforts on, she responded, "I don't want to premeditate life. I'm in flow." In order to move toward concrete, achievable goals that can support your vision from your perfect day, identify specific actions that you can take to get you there. Research suggests that having clear goals can significantly enhance motivation and increase the likelihood of achieving them. This exercise helps to clarify not only what you want, but also who can support you on your journey.
Exercise, creating your dream list. To avoid Maria's fate, I recommend creating a dream list through a process coined by Matthew Kelly in his book, The Dream Manager. For example, you might often think, "I dream of having a partner with whom I can cry, be completely vulnerable, and who will be there for me no matter what." Or perhaps, "I want a partner who will embark on wild adventures with me, who inspires me to take risks and be more daring than I would otherwise be." Now, it's time to write those dreams down. Number one, categorize your dreams. Take a blank sheet of paper and create columns for different categories. Sexuality, romance, family, finances, intimacy, communication, adventure, and risk. Feel free to add in any categories that might matter to you, i.e. travel or things you might want to own. Number two, time frames. Under each category, create three sections. 6 months, 5 years, and lifetime. Number three, dream big. Aim to write at least 25 dreams across all five categories. Don't hold back. Let your imagination run wild. Number four, identify support. Next to each dream, write down a person's name who can help you to realize that dream. This could be your primary partner or someone else in your life who aligns with your dream. Number five, communicate. Then tell your support team, those people whose names you just wrote down, about the dreams that you assigned to them. Identify your truest desire. Number six, finally, it's time to determine your truest desires. For each category you've completed, let's say sexual in 6 months, or you have maybe four or five dreams listed, your goal is to circle the one that resonates the most deeply with you. Do this for each category i.e. sexual in 6 months, sexual in 5 years, intimacy in 5 years, intimacy in lifetime, adventure in 5 years. By identifying your truest desires, you can start to see emerging themes that will guide you in understanding what you truly want. This clarity will be incredibly helpful as you continue your journey toward fulfilling your desires.
Embarking on the journey of polyamory requires more than just a desire for new experiences. It demands deep introspection and clarity of purpose. As we've explored, understanding your motivations and articulating your vision are vital steps to ensuring that your relationship choices align with your authentic self. Whether you find yourself drawn to polyamory out of love, curiosity, or a need for personal growth, take the time to reflect honestly on what you truly want. The exercises we've discussed are not the only way, but they have served others in navigating this complex landscape and avoiding the pitfalls that can lead to frustration and heartache. Remember, the path to a fulfilling polymer polymerous relationship begins with knowing yourself and what you seek, allowing you to build connections that are not only enriching but also sustainable. As you move forward, carry the awareness that being poly is not an end in itself. Rather, it's a means to create a life that resonates with your deepest desires. So ask yourself again, what do you want? Your journey begins with that answer. And as you uncover it, you will pave the way for a more authentic and fulfilling relational experience.