Transcription
Have you ever met someone and felt like the vibe was just off? Whether it's in dating or just hanging out, maybe you couldn't quite explain it, but like something felt wrong. In this video, I'm going to break down using psychology, what's actually going on when that happens.
I recently went deep into the research, reading over 20 psychology papers, trying to figure out why that feeling shows up, what triggers it, and how we can avoid setting it off without realizing it. It turns out your brain has three ancient alarms that it quietly fires, often outside of your awareness that push you to disconnect. I call them ejection systems, psychological mechanisms that evolved to protect us. And each one gets triggered by a different type of behavior. When one gets tripped, something in us pulls back, often without us realizing why. It's not always about judging the other person, right? You can be smart, attractive, kind, but if you accidentally trip one of these deeper triggers, whether it's in person or online, the chemistry can just shut down. And that is true for both romantic and platonic relationships.
I'm Dr. Thomas Mimman. I'm a clinical psychologist and the author of this book. I help people overcome anxiety and build real connections. In my work with people, I see two sort of common problems here. Either people trigger these systems in others either by accident or because they have blind spots they haven't worked on yet or they're so focused on being liked that they miss the warning signs and they can end up in some pretty painful relationships.
Of course, everyone is an individual. Everyone is different. We can't predict exactly how any one person will react, but research shows what most people care about most of the time. And I say people deliberately because men and women mostly agree in the research. Although women do tend to react more strongly. Maybe you're going to assume I want to talk about looks. Say it's about looks. I am not. That is one not my area. But also these alarms are triggered regardless of beauty. And they're not the random rules or the shallow preferences you see people talk about on social media. No. In this video, we're talking about the deep psychological mechanisms that determine, often unconsciously, whether someone pulls away.
So, let's start with the first one, the fastest and the most unforgiving of the three. Ejection system one, the gut level reaction. From an evolutionary standpoint, this system helped us avoid things that could make us sick. You know, like spoiled food, bodily fluids, signs of infection. Psychologists call it the behavioral immune system. It's a set of fast automatic reactions often triggered by disgust that help us to spot and avoid possible threats without needing to think about it. But what's interesting is over time this system got repurposed by our social brain. So today it doesn't just steer us away from germs, it also shapes our social judgments. Okay? So if someone gives off certain signals maybe in hygiene or appearance or even in behavior then this system can kick in fast and when it does, we will feel a strong urge to pull away or even to look away.
You can hear this ancient disease avoidance system at work in how people talk about others. So, the words they use mirror the way that we describe dangerous insects or spoiled food. He was kind of slimy or there was something creepy about her or even just ew and ick. Obviously, most people aren't crawling with diseased, at least most of the time. But that doesn't matter to the brain. These same neural systems still fire when we see something like dishonesty. In fact, research shows that when people list out what they find disgusting, they identify human behaviors more often than things like rotting meat. The bad news, once the system kicks in, interpersonal attraction never fully recovers. The good news, it's pretty easy to prevent triggering it.
So, what actually flips the switch on this ancient alarm? Well, there are two main categories. One, physical cues that hint at illness or poor self-care. So these are the things like bad breath, body odor, messy or dirty appearance. Your living space counts too. Or looking visibly sick like coughing and sneezing. I once had a date turn up clearly ill. Her great traits did not matter. I just wanted to get away from her before she made me sick. But also abusing substances shows up here a lot. Things like getting too drunk at social events as an example. In one hilarious study, researchers pumped the smell of body odor into a room and people rated even attractive faces as less appealing. Two, behavioral cues. These are things like vulgar jokes, graphic oversharing, rude behavior, um, or getting kind of too touchy too fast or standing too close, but also immoral behavior, especially dishonesty.
Show self-care and self-respect in how you take care of your body and your space. This is not about being impressive. It's about showing that you value your own health and your respect for people around you. Also, because we get used to our own habits and our own smells, it's easy to miss things. So, ask a trusted friend if there's something that you could clean up or improve. I have done this in the past and the results were illuminating. Be socially attuned with speech and behavior. So, for example, I learned the hard way. I could not make the same kind of jokes with every new person that I did with my friends who knew me and accepted me. I had to learn to slow down and read the room. And yes, once someone's into you, their disgust sensitivity will drop. But early on, you just don't get that grace period. Unless of course you're feeding them lots of ginger which actually reduces disgust sensitivity in lab studies.
So that's the first ejection system, the gut level reaction. It's fast, instinctive, and once it's triggered, you know, it's hard to come back from. The next system protects us from something else. Not illness, but danger. The ejection system 2, the threat trigger. The great challenge of human life is this. We all want connection, but we're also wired to protect ourselves from danger. So, the ejection system, too, kicks in when something feels threatening. Not just physically, but also emotionally. And it doesn't take much. Even small signs of hostility, control, or negativity can activate the system. So, it's no wonder that flirting body language includes so many signals of safety.
Okay, this all makes sense. Being on the receiving end of anger commonly, usually makes us want to escape. And spending too much time around negativity, it can bring us down. And we are sensitive to anything that feels controlling. Research on self-determination theory and psychological reactants shows that when people feel their freedom is being limited, right, they instinctively resist. So, when we're getting to know someone, we want to make sure that we don't accidentally set off this alarm system. I once went on what turned out to be the shortest date of my life. The woman opened with straight up hostility. Her first sentence to me, literally, was an attack on me and my career. So, obviously, that kind of anger wasn't actually about me, right? It was a projection or a transference from something else. But I couldn't help thinking if that's how this started, what would it be like longterm? That is an extreme example. But here's how these threat signals more commonly show up.
One, negativity and hostility. So these are immediate red flags. Even when they're not directed at the other person you're talking to, we still assume that if somebody talks that way about others, well, we'll be next. Common signals: complaining about your job, your exes, your family or the world. Being rude to wait staff or dismissive of others, joking, criticism, negative humor, or passive aggressiveness, or even just sharing stories about all the drama and conflict in your life. For some of us, we're happy to have someone asking us questions and listening to us. And so, some of the stress that we've been holding in just starts leaking out. It can feel good and then it's easy to forget how it might be affecting the person on the other end. And some people try to use shared complaints as a way to connect, which honestly does work in some environments, like if you're venting with co-workers about stressful things, but in early interactions, it's probably going to backfire. I recently heard from someone who was in a workout class, and another person tried to connect with her by complaining about the instructor. So instead of feeling closer, she actually felt uncomfortable and she assumed that future conversations would feel just as negative.
Two, rigid views. You should own your opinions and your values, but how you share them matters. People feel uneasy when it seems like we believe there's only one right way to be. So, common signals are criticizing or disapproving someone's preferences or interests or falling into that trap of trying to prove that you're right rather than understanding where they're coming from or dismissing someone's story or experiences. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything the other person says. It is great to have a sense of what you believe, but we need to combine this self-fidelity with warmth and curiosity. Hold your truth while making space for theirs. There's this idea in psychology that a good relationship isn't about the things you agree on. It's about how you handle the things you disagree on.
Three, early jealousy or control signals. So, people are very sensitive to signs that their freedom might be threatened. Even if we're just being curious or it's driven by our vulnerability and anxiety, there are certain behaviors that can raise autonomy alarms. Common signals are asking questions like, "Who else are you talking to? How many other dates do you have lined up? Who's that in your photo? Why are you still single? Where did your last relationship end?"
Work on your emotional regulation. If reactivity or negativity tends to show up, then practice calming yourself beforehand. And then work on that skill consistently over time. Stay curious, not critical. You don't have to agree, but show you're interested in where the other person is coming from. Honor autonomy, both yours and theirs. Let people be who they are, and then decide if it's a good fit. You'll hear me say this a lot. There is a direct link between psychological health and social health. People who practice these things will naturally draw others in. We often think of a date like it's an interview, but I think of it more like it's a movie trailer. It's a preview of what life might feel like with you. And I don't mean it's like, oh, going to fancy places and doing exciting things. I mean you're giving the other person a preview of what the relational experience will be like. This provides a sense of would this work for me long term?
Which brings us directly to our third and final system, ejection system 3, the compatibility filter. This is the simple framework that I believe best captures what most people site reacting to at this higher level. This last system kicks in when we stop asking, "Do I feel safe?" and start asking, "Could I build a life with this person?" It's imagining a future based on what we see in the present. Do we fit? Can I count on you? Will I get back what I give or will I have to carry most of the weight? Some research suggests that this filter sharpens with age likely because we've learned from hard one experience. Let's break it down into the two factors that shape it.
Shared world view. We've all heard you should have things in common. And research says this is important for the long-term success of a relationship. But too often I hear people focus on the wrong types of commonality. "Oh my god, you like White Lotus and burritos as well." Yes, we all do. What seems to really matter is commonality in how you see the world. So, similar morals and values, similar perspectives on hot button issues, similar ideas on what makes a good life. Like, is it living in the city or the country? Is it marriage and kids or is it career and freedom? I know that you know people who see the world very differently to you. What would happen if you tried to build a life with them? But here's where people sometimes go wrong with this. We know similarity is attractive. So sometimes we'll jump to agree even if that's being untrue to ourselves. Other people sometimes rush this values alignment talk before you've built any rapport and that leads to it feeling more like an interrogation. Still others avoid these topics altogether, which unfortunately makes them come off as unavailable sometimes or not serious. The good news, all you have to do here is know what matters to you and then share it. There's no need to prove anything.
Filter two, mutual investment. Remember, early interactions are like little previews of what life with you might be like. And if it's happening on a date, then the underlying question here is what kind of partner would you be? What kind of parent might you be? Could I build something with you? So, this filter is constantly scanning for will this feel balanced or is it one-sided? There are significant costs to investing into something that won't go anywhere. So, we react sometimes strongly to anything that suggests somebody might either take too much or give too little. So attachment styles play a role here of course, but the tricky part is early on we don't really know each other and that means a lot of things can get misread like nervousness can look like disinterest and holding back protectively can seem cold. The very behaviors that we use to protect ourselves can accidentally send the wrong signal. That said, it should make you feel a little better that most people are not harsh judges. The research suggests they're often willing to overlook small things until they start to pile up.
Okay, let's look at four signals that most commonly trigger this alarm. One, signals of unavailability. Okay, this is often talked about in terms of someone being married or already taken, but here's what I find relevant. So common signals like avoiding discussing anything that feels vulnerable or revealing thus signaling a lack of emotional availability or holding back showing interest to avoid rejection or similarly staying quiet due to anxiety which others read as a lack of interest. Okay. And here's the kicker. Some research finds that if you have anxiety in this area, the more you like someone, the less you appear to like them.
Two, lopsided attention. Okay, this is the most common complaint I hear from both men and women. Here's how it comes out. Talking mostly about yourself, not asking questions, and especially not asking follow-up questions when somebody shares things with you. The message this sends is this is going to be one-sided. Sometimes this happens because deep down we feel like maybe we're not good enough. So, we try to sell ourselves or feel like we have to impress to win approval. But just be curious, ask questions, balance your sharing with listening. The science says that we will like each other more if they share and then I listen and respond. Also, this is a skill and a factor that will always be important.
Three, too much too soon. Wanting reassurance, closeness, or too many check-ins or communications early on. This can overload a fragile new connection. Sometimes we get excited about meeting someone and we want to connect more. Other times we get kind of anxious about the uncertainty of the new connection and we want reassurance that it's going okay by getting regular communication from them. and it sends a signal whether true or not long-term you might need more than I can give.
Four, lack of drive or direction. This doesn't mean you need your whole life figured out. It's just about showing you understand yourself and you care about something. You're engaged with life and that you see a path forward. that signals a drive and engagement that is necessary for a successful relationship and handling the challenges of building a life and possibly a family. Red flags complaining about life with no talk of goals or growth or passions. Also, indecisiveness or deferring decision-m um "I don't know, what do you want to do?" I sometimes find people are wary of sharing what interests them because they're concerned the other person might think it's weird. And honestly, they might, but it's better to own your weird passions than to appear apathetic.
If you notice yourself sending any of these signals, then pause, get curious, ask yourself, what is happening inside for me that is leading to these behaviors? I think these are great opportunities for growth and the path to social health is through better psychological health. So, as you grow, you will naturally trigger fewer of these ejection systems and you'll invite more authentic closeness. If any of this resonates, consider checking out my book, Dating Without Fear.