Transcription
Some stereotypes are just true. Like Mexicans have a lot of kids. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that. I saw a Mexican lady get yelled at cuz she brought eight kids to the DMV. She was so upset she quit.
We're back with more anti-woke comedians that liberals will hate and conservatives will love. Illegal immigrants get cash, free cell phones, free apartments, free healthcare. I'm a taxpaying citizen. I don't get free healthcare. I went to the doctor and he asked if I had insurance. You know what I told him? Okay.
This is how bad bullying was when I was growing up. I remember there was this kid in a wheelchair he controlled with his mouth cuz he couldn't even move his limbs. And these evil little bastards let him bully me. I got death threats after a comedy club I played with a bunch of Jews in the audience just cuz I said please tip the weight staff.
China just deployed the first robot police officers, like real Robocops. The biggest difference from the Chinese human cops is each robot has a different face. So you you to her or do you It was on her. It was on her. How did she undo it? It was a text during election night. A text during election night. Oh my god. Okay, I got a couple questions. Who did you vote for in that election? What was that? I didn't vote. You didn't vote. Okay. Oh, you're right. Kamla lost by one vote. Oh, no. If only he had done it. That was the problem. It was only one. That's how close she was in Michigan. [Laughter] I said I didn't think Combo was going to win. Oh [ __ ] She's in it. Really?
Wait, this is the problem with Democrats. Real quick, let's just sidebar. You just said the facts. And she said she said we're we're breaking up. Yeah. I'm I'm a problem about patriarchy and whatever. Yeah. And uh do you have these text messages on you right now? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, so she said she said, "Oh my god, I had a [ __ ] breakdown tonight. Results of this election is scary. Trump is winning a lot of states." I Yeah, we all agree. Well, here. Listen, you you tried to calm it down. You know, I know where I went wrong. Okay. Okay. Well, okay, then I'll read it. We'll see where you went wrong. Don't stress down. I don't believe policy changes much based on the face of the president." No. Okay. Listen. Listen, guys. He's letting me read his text messages out loud. I promise you, you're sitting next to a Trump voter right now. They just know not to give their phone to a stand-up comedian. Honestly, I thought it was going to be a tighter race, but this is a sad blowout. Okay. Um Oh, and then you said, "Oh, wait. She's catching up." What part of the night was this? Can you remind me? you were worried. Yeah. And you notice the prediction that's what threw me off. Yeah. Um, honestly though, I do think Trump is still going to win. I can't imagine the general population of America would vote Kamla. Oh, you did not. He is right though. Oh my god. He's But he's right. I get it. He's right. Okay. I I So you said I do think Trump is going to win. I can't imagine the general population of America to vote. Com. Why not? Because she's a woman. Now, this is where you should have consulted a friend. Yeah. [Laughter] So, why not? Because she's a woman. And you simply said, [Laughter] "Yep." And she said, "Wow." And then I'm sure your dot dot dots went up for a couple minutes. You said only less likely choice for America as a president than someone of an ethnic background is of the female gender. Honestly, dude, I'm really disappointed to hear you say that. Not saying it should be that way. Good for you. I believe that's how most people look at it. Keep in mind we live in an area of the country that is very different in terms of diversity or progressiveness compared to the majority of the country. Yes or no? Uh uh and she said she said that's not true. Obama was elected and he's black. What you said really [ __ ] pissed me off and it was sexist and it gives into the [ __ ] up patriarchy we live in. That made me realize our personalities are too different and this isn't going to work. It was fun going on dates, but I need to end this. Our personalities are too different. Goodbye. And then you just wrote back, [Applause] "Bitch, that's why you don't date a liberal man. He didn't write that. Honestly, if you if this turned you into a Trump voter, I wouldn't blame you. The the real credit to you is that you did not text after Trump won. You could have. You could. You still could. In fact, when I put this video online, you can simply send the link. It's funny, people don't even know my politics based on my appearance, right? Like, I could be a barista at a fancy cafe or the leader of QAnon and nobody knows. How great is that?
The far left and the far right have come so far they just look exactly the same. What if we get into a civil war? How are we even going to know who's on what side? Each side is going to have to have like their own like very obscure questions. Only one side would know, right? Like some far-left guy sees a guy he look looks just like him. He's like, "Hey, hey, put the guy you on our side. You a lefty?" Yeah. What's a macchiato? I know. It's a small uh small fox. God damn. Damn it. What are your preferred pronouns? Uh he, h, what, when, where, why? B. God damn. The far right, they'd have their questions, too, right? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Put the gun down. Their guns would be way bigger. Who am I kidding? Put the gun down. Put it down. I got six billion rounds. Answer me this. [Applause] What's the best knife to use to skin a deer? Yeah, I really don't believe in eating man. Did I get him? Look at him. [ __ ] vegan. So light. Look at him.
Now in the west, you've had privilege for years. You've taken taking offense to another level. Like Americans can get offended on other people's behalf. Yeah. It's a It's a very American thing. I'm offended for you. What you went through was so stressful. I'm going to take the day [Applause] off. But you're very proactive. You're all about justice. You see something wrong on the streets, you take your phone out and you film it. What you're doing, sir, is wrong. You're going to go viral. There are going to be consequences. Every time an American films a hate crime, in the background you can see an Indian just walking to work. I didn't see anything. I don't have my green card yet. But in the West, you're very uh what's the word? Woke. That's that's a word I learned. Woke. That's the reason I travel to learn new words. It's not to expand my audience. I'm Indian. My audience is expanding as we speak right now. [Applause] I asked a college kid, I'm like, "What does it mean to be woke?" She was like, "To be woke means to realize, to recognize, to organize, and then to vocalize." That describes everything from a book club to a Nazi rally. All right. I want to be one of these comedians who can write woke jokes for woke people. I've tried. Do you want to hear him? Yeah. Knock knock. Who's there? Well, if you need to hear the sound of somebody's voice before you let them into your apartment, what does that say about your elitist privilege? Huh? [Applause] [Music]
Had tendon transplants in my my right leg. You had tendon transplants. Whose did you get? Left side. I'm a 70y old man. Left side, you're a 70-year-old man. Right side, I'm a 35y old black man. on the right side. You're a 35year-old black man. Your legs must hate each other. You ever get restless leg syndrome and they're just like Virginia, is your right leg faster? Are you wearing jorts? You say why not? How about why? He said some of us have good-looking legs. They're not even yours. The right one's ashy. [Applause] [Laughter] What's the best is you guys can't see this, but there's a beautiful black couple sitting right next to him. He's my dad. Wait, wait, what? That's your dad? Sorry. You have his legs? Never told you that. What was your name, by the way? Magnum. Magnum. What? [Applause] That is not your name. That's what your right leg wears for a song. Your birth name is Magnum. No, that's my biker name. Biker name. Your biker name. Okay. Are we talking Are we talking Harley's or bird scooters? Like what are you rocking? You think I ride a bird scooter? Do I think you ride a bird scooter in those shorts? Yeah, absolutely. Harley. Harley. Nice. What? What? What? You're a model. For anybody else in here who's also gay. You saw what? My son saw you at the airport. Your son saw me at the airport last night. Does he want to see me at your house later? Then shut the [ __ ] up. Just kidding. He said what? He said you were very nice. He said I was very nice. A anyways. He didn't want to bother me. He did. Yeah. It was in the urinal next to me, dude. Hey, big fan. Not that big of a fan. Cheers. Black. Tall skinny what? Black kid. Black kid. Yeah. That's your son. You see what I see, right? Adopted. But aren't my daughter? Hold on. Is your husband black? He was. He was. What? Did you wash him? I'm I'm kidding. Oh, that Yeah, that one's not going online for sure. There's no way. That was pretty [ __ ] He passed. No. No. No. Oh my gosh. Then he's still black, right? Divorce. He was your husband. You got to work on how you say this story. I was remarried and my husband died last night. Hold on. Did you say your h Did you just say your husband died last night? No. Last May. Last May. Oh, you just said it. Southern last night. Second husband white. Yes. Got Oh, you do go back. Okay. We're making a comeback. The young people are so um loose with the term like unsafe. Mhm. It's like I just don't feel safe. [Laughter] It's a leverage of power to to phrase it like that. I feel unsafe that that our university would let a Republican speak in the conference room. My I feel unsafe that they would even let a conservative speak to us. They go to NYU. I'm like, "You live in New York. You feel fine out there. You're in New York City. It's anarchy. But then Ben Shapiro comes and they're like, "This is disgusting. How could we? How could anyone allow this threat to my life?" Who is your favorite? Drop a comment down below. Don't forget to like and subscribe to Conservative Vibes. I'm Stevie and I'll see you in the next video. [Music]