Transcription
[Music] And we're gonna go out to oh Mandy, oh Mandy in Nashville. What's up? How are you?
You never heard that one before, have you? No, never. Hey, listen, my name rhymes with the lunch meat, so same team, same team. There you go. So, what's up?
Uh, well, I just have a question. Um, I'll preface by saying I've been married a while. Um, 20 plus years, my husband and I. I mean, if I wrote down all the great things about him, there are many. He's amazing. He loves his family. Well, he loves the Lord. He's got like, so much going for him. So, I think over the years, I've just overlooked this one thing a whole lot. And now it's just come to a point where I'm finally realizing, either I need to see it differently, or he needs to change. I'm not sure.
But he just has an anger issue. When I say that, um, he would, we have two girls in college. He would never yell at me. He would never yell at them. And no one would ever, you know, fear that. He's just, he's very kind. So, he's kind of, it's a complex thing. He's this kind, gentle bear on the inside. But his office is in our home. And when he gets frustrated, he yells loudly. And it's, uh, to the point where, um, when my girls were little, I would take them out or whatever. And, um, but now that they're older and gone, I just, it's, it's a, it's a thing. And I don't know if I just need to like, suck it up and and not worry about him yelling.
But it's like, I'll give you an example because I started writing down a couple of times it's happened so that if I needed to go and figure out counseling, just to help me know how to deal with it better or whatever. But like right before Thanksgiving, my girls were home from college. We were cooking in the kitchen. And his office is right by the kitchen. He was frustrated with some circumstances and just yelling off and on throughout the day. So we're in there, like, you know, trying to have fun and cook for Thanksgiving. It just like makes everybody feel on edge and put a damper on everything.
And I also just feel like I'm apologizing for his behavior too much. Uh, try to find an excuse for it. But they've grown up with it with him in the home. Um, and like I said, if they needed something, they could walk in his office and he's there for them. But, but if, if he's having a bad day, you just never know when it's coming and yelling. So one of my daughters just kind of like ignores it and acts like it's not happening. The other one, she's definitely been, I guess they've both been equally affected. They just deal with it differently. But she just like, she can't stand it. And like me, and it just, um, I don't know, it just, it will squash all of us a little bit.
And so I don't know the best way to. He knows. And we, I mean, I'll talk openly to him. And he just feels like he doesn't know what to do with the stress that he's under. And he doesn't, um, he just doesn't know what to do with it. So then I feel bad, like, well, am I expecting too much for him? But then I'm like, it, to me, it seems like a temper tantrum. So I don't. But you know.
So Mandy, how, how, number one, thank you for, thank you for your call. Um, this, this affects a lot of folks. And so your willingness to be brave here is gonna be helpful for folks. Um, I, I asked this with some rarity. Um, how honest can I be? Oh, a hundred percent. Are you positive? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I, I, yes, I seek truth. Some people say that and then I tell them, they're like, ooh, I didn't seek that.
The type of yelling you're describing is abuse, and it is trauma. And the way you preface talking about this man that you love, and that I believe is a good guy, I believe that he loves his kids, I believe he loves you, I believe he works hard to provide, um, is the way when I've had behind closed doors discussions with people who are physically abused, who are sexually abused, it always starts with the same, okay, let me tell you this first, he's great, he's wonderful, he's so lovely, he's this and this and this, but there's just one thing.
And so I need you to hear me say that the way you even preface this discussion is verbatim how I have these conversations with folks who have what I, what the world would say is more traditional, um, abusive behavior. Here's why it's abusive. For your daughter's entire life, they have had to, um, regulate. They have been responsible for the emotions of an adult male in their home. And they have had to learn how to control the adult emotions in the home because the adult in the house couldn't do it himself.
And so what they have taken on themselves is this peacekeeping role, this, hey, we gotta hide. Or some kids take on, I don't care, I'm gonna flex back. Right? Those are all adaptive trauma responses to an unstable emotional environment that they have felt like they have to control. And how this works downhill is they're going to find somebody else to marry that they feel like they have to emotionally regulate, or they have to hide themselves completely. Even the question, and those two responses are, are relatively common. Either way, and you may notice that in both of your daughters. And how genetics plays in, how personal experience plays in, it's, can often baffle parents like the same dad is like, this kid's doing that and this one's doing that. It tends to be the same response, it just looks different, right? Or the root response is different.
So most of us look at people we love and the word abuse makes us recoil. Like, no, he's not abusive. Yeah. If you find yourself apologizing because people in your home are uncomfortable by behavior, if you find yourself saying, hey kids, let's just get out for a minute while Dad does what he's doing, um, so begin to think through that lens. And you'll usually, the light comes on and people go, oh my goodness. And here's one that, that, um, is common. You know, you've begun to really be uncertain about you. You have dealt with this for so long that you are willing to go get counseling so that you can learn how to deal with somebody who's throwing a grown-up temper tantrum. Yeah.
Here's, so, so when you stop trusting you, or you start outsourcing your trust to somebody else, that's a cornerstone of, hey, I'm not, my body recognizes I'm not safe in this environment. And so who taught him this? Somebody showed him that this is how you respond to things. I don't, I don't exactly know his, um, I mean, his, I, I really, his dad is, um, definitely short-tempered. But I don't see him yelling.
So some dads, let me catch. So some dads, they don't yell, they become radioactive. I call it the, uh, silent violence. They are a, imp, you know, if I touch that bear, it will bite my arm off. And so everybody back away. Or he says that one sentence, and everyone knows this conversation's officially over, right? Right. And so that is the same physiological response we have when someone's yelling their head off. And when I say somebody learned this, let me say that in a better way. Um, somebody told your husband that his thoughts and feelings didn't matter. They need to keep them to himself. Somebody told him that, I don't care how you feel, you will sit down on your butt and you will shut your mouth while I. That's, that's the picture he received. And it lodges in and lodges in until it absolutely explodes.
And so when he's yelling, who is he yelling at? Well, that's just like, he just yells words. Like he just, he's frustrated with the situation. And then he just feels like the pressure's too much. Or, you know, he's, he's always had the, um, excuse. I could just, I mean, you know, for a long, I mean, I've been working the last few years, but before that, he was the primary provider. So just the pressure of all that, he would stay with the, it would just get to him. And like he wanted to, but yet, but so he would just, something's going wrong at work, uh, it's just yelling. It's, it's, you know, it's into the air. Yeah, it's, it's at the situation.
So, so it's, it's into the air, but it's into your nervous system, right? It's into the nervous system of your daughters, right? So, um, here's what, here's, here's the lens I want to paint, right? And here's the thing, if he showed up here this afternoon was like, you just told my wife I'm abusive, I would say, yes, I did. Yeah. Okay. If he came to see me, and I was a licensed psychologist, and he sat down with me, I was a licensed counselor, he sat down with me, I would tell him that the response you are, um, to things that aren't going your way is how my six-year-old responds. And somehow there's a six-year-old still running the show for him. And I don't say that in a condescending, he's acting like a baby, but there's something, there's some six-year-old in him that's still trying to protect him. There's some seven or eight or nine-year-old that was told some things that he's still cycling in on.
Okay. So a couple of things I want you to start considering. Yelling as trauma. And I think any sort of trauma response, you're gonna have too. One that you've felt. And then there's going to come a moment as you process this, and there's going to be a, a wave of guilt that comes, if it hasn't already, which is, I'm my daughter's mom, and I should have protected her, right? Okay. All right. And if you sit on that for a minute, I bet it's hard to keep the tears back. Yeah. And so that's where a gift you can provide your daughters and your husband is to say, I haven't, um, been true to myself, and I haven't been true to my daughters for however many years. And daughters, I'm sorry that I didn't get involved earlier. Your dad was never gonna hurt anybody. Here, I was safe, and I didn't know what to do, and I thought it was on me, and it's not. This isn't okay.
And here is where moving forward, you can't control his behavior, only he can. The only thing that you can control is you. So you need two things. You need a good boundary and you need choices. You're, and now, so the boundary is, he needs to know in no uncertain terms that when yelling happens, you choose to disconnect. And here's why your choice is important, not he's making you. Because that's what yelling does. It protects us. It's a seven or eight or nine-year-old's response to a radius blast. Everybody get out of my way, I'm overwhelmed. My, my ability to respond to this has been, uh, it's overwhelmed. You take the power back and say, when you yell, I am choosing to leave. Because when you yell, you are choosing to tell me that you don't want me here. Okay? And so I want you to own that boundary. Because I don't think your husband wants to hurt you. No. But I also think he has chosen not to find different ways to deal with him things not going his way. You see how far are you taking that? Because I, I automatically shut down when he does that, and he knows emotionally I'm just like checked out. Went for a little while. Yeah.
And so instead of, um, I, I just say, when you choose to do that, then you're choosing to not have dinner with me, and I'm gonna go get dinner by myself. Okay? Or I'm choosing to go have friends. Not that I'm moving out, unless you feel unsafe, you know, I mean, that's not saying at all. No, no, no. But I am, you, you, you are have chosen to violate a boundary. Yelling's not okay. I don't feel safe in my home when you do that. My body turns into a raw pile of nerves when you do that. Um, and I get sick to my stomach at how our daughters are gonna meet men who think this is an okay way to respond to them, to their kids, to situations that they, that are out of their control. Um, and you are going to choose to leave. And here's what's going to happen. He's going to call your bluff, or he's just not going to think about it, or it's going to come out. Actually, he's been doing this a long time. Okay? And again, I'm not hating on him at all. He's, this is the behavior he's going to have to change. It, it's hard. It's probably been a lifelong thing. So it will happen. And then you will stick to your guns, and he'll get mad at you for making that choice. And that's the moment of clarity when he can choose to not hurt his wife. He can choose to learn different ways to deal with this. And it's going to be practice for him, and it's going to be hard, and there's going to be a lot of grace involved. But I've set my boundary here. Yeah.
And my guess is, um, I've just heard the stories. I've talked to a few folks, but the big stories are, when you want to stop yelling, you stop yelling. I will learn something else. I will go for a walk outside. I will get up and I will do 30 push-ups. I will immediately turn my computer off and spin in my chair. Tend to, I will find a way. Yeah. But I'm gonna stop creating an unsafe space in my home.
Can I ask you this? When you talk to him about this, when you've said, I don't feel safe when you yell, what's his response? He's, I mean, he's very, like, he's always been very open to listening to anything I would have to say. And I can say whatever to him. But he's like, the last time I talked about, he just said, he really just doesn't know what else to do. He's like, I don't. And he isn't, like, these last two weeks, they're under more stress than a normal, normal, um, couple weeks in his office. So it's just been, um, yeah, he just, he does it. He really doesn't know that there's another way, if that makes any sense. I don't, I don't.
And, and for so for me, I've been like, am I, am I expecting too much? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Um, where I want to see a man in that situation be real brave, be, be the epitome of concrete strength, of of taking his power back, is recognizing that without meaning to, I'm hurting the three most important people on planet Earth to me. And I don't want to hurt them anymore. So I have to be about learning new things. That to me is the single strongest. Somebody who can say the words, I was wrong, and I need to do something different. And here's what that's going to look like. Wow. Well, that's a counselor. Well, that's getting with a couple of buddies. Call, tell him to call my show. I, I absolutely don't hate the guy. I think he's, get these under pressure. The whole world's under pressure right now, right? Right. Right. And every time we're under pressure, we have a choice. We have a choice. And what's hard for me is that you've told him your particular choice hurts us. And his response has been, I don't know anything else. So here we go. And so the ball is in your court to draw a boundary and to be clear. And when I say clear, this isn't a yelling. This is gentle. This is quiet. This is, right? Right. Hey, the last two weeks has pushed me past where I'm comfortable anymore. And the days of me apologizing for you and your behavior are over now. And here's, here's, here's my new boundary. When you yell, you're choosing. I'm choosing to disconnect and leave. And I'm going to go have dinner by myself. And if yelling is more important than being with me, so be it. Feel free to yell, but this, I'm not going to be in the house for anymore. I deserve to be safe. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to not feel like you're going to go off at any moment. And quite frankly, you deserve a better avenue for dealing with this. The beauty is, there's a lot of opportunities to heal from yelling. And, um, I didn't tell you, Mandy, I'm so grateful for you and for your willingness to call in the show.