Transcription
Sometimes, when we're talking about relationships and pointing out some of the irrational behaviors that we see in women, we overlook the forest for the trees. What I mean by that is that sometimes we overlook the real problem, the thing that no one really wants to ever talk about.
Today I was working with one of my clients. She's a 70-some-year-old woman, in great shape, and she was telling me a story about how her, I guess her daughter's mother-in-law on her, you know, her husband's side, um, was visiting some family in Michigan. And while she was there, one of her sisters came to stay, to separate from her husband for a brief time. I guess they're going through some marital difficulties. They were still working things out. There was no divorce yet. This was a very short-term and temporary separation. Nevertheless, while she was visiting, that man decided to take his own life.
This happens a lot more than most people realize. For every woman who takes her own life following a relationship breakup or a divorce, there are nine men who do it. Of the 50,000 or so suicides in the United States every year, between 36 and 40,000 of them are men. So that's a pretty significant proportion.
So today I want to talk about irrational behaviors. I want to talk about suicide. I want to talk about divorce and how, um, how sometimes our internal perspective is out of sync with the opportunity and the situation that's really unfolding. Because I think way too many men are falling victim to their own perspective that is distorted at a time of extreme stress. So let's talk about [Music] it.
There are lots of ways to end your life after the end of a relationship. The most overt way, you know, is taking your life physically. But stress and self-talk, negative self-talk, ruminating, falling into the darkness, all these things are very real ways to end your life through disease. And I think that if we were to account for those numbers, it would be even more shocking than the the numbers that I've already already explained.
I remember how dark it gets. It gets extremely dark. I believe the reason why it becomes so dark for so many men is that we feel like we're losing our purpose. We so identify with the role of being a husband and what that relationship means to us on some level that we, um, when we experience the death of that role, we don't see any reason to continue living. And that's a huge mistake because there's lots and lots of opportunity ahead. You just can't see it in this moment. And that's really just the beginning of the problem.
Since I started this channel, I've talked a lot about my own divorce. And of course, I've talked mostly about my recovery and how I was able to turn my life around and, um, really experience a lifestyle that I never thought was possible. And it's been a really wonderful journey. But I think that kind of, um, doesn't do justice to the whole experience because just like any of you guys, there's a very, very dark phase that you go through. And, um, how you get through that is probably the biggest challenge because what happens is psychologically we're drawn into this state of mind that sees no hope, that is hopeless. And it's very easy to find yourself in that situation where you're just drawn into this dark, hopeless well of despair. That's the only way I can really describe it because everything that you thought you were, I mean, everything that you believed you to be, suddenly is falling apart. It's dismantling.
And I can only liken it to the loss of an identity. You know, I hear people who take psychedelic drugs experience the loss of their ego. And this loss of ego is an enlightening experience for them because they can separate who they really are on a soul level, perhaps, with who they identify as in this life, you know, as a whole identity. Well, marriage is a little bit like that in that you take on this identity of a, um, of a husband and as a father and as a provider and all these things. It gives your life purpose. And when that divorce happens, your identity is not being voluntarily drug-induced, separated from your your, uh, your your ego or from your from your soul. It's being ripped away. I mean, it's like you are being having it torn away from you. And the inclination for most people is to cling to it, to to grab it, to hold on to it, to try to keep it. And that's where the pain starts, when you cling to that identity and you instinctively don't want to lose it because you still think there's a second chance or a third chance or whatever that you can make this relationship work and you want everything. You put everything into it.
And we romanticize this to a degree and that in that romanticization of this experience in this relationship, everything just becomes so much more intense. The intensity goes off the charts and it feels like an all-or-nothing battle for the heart of your beloved, you know, and if you lose that battle, it feels like there's nothing left after that. It feels like you've got nothing left for yourself. You've tried everything. You've done everything. You've laid yourself out there and still she's walking away. You've given her your very best. It is a level of, um, rejection that surpasses just about everything. You know, as an adult, being rejected by your wife, this person who knows you better than anyone else in the world, who is your best friend, who is the person that you chose in this lifetime to be your person, and she knows you and she's rejecting you. Well, that is a really tough pill for most guys to swallow.
When you feel that identity slipping away and it's dissolving, there's a sense of desperation. It's a sense of, um, I don't know how to put it into words. It's like it's like who you know yourself to be no longer exists. And then you wonder, well, if I'm not this, then what am I? And too often times I think men answer that question with without this I am nothing. And that's how we lead ourselves down these paths of despair which lead to, you know, suicide. And you know, whether that be an overt suicide where you actually do the job yourself, you kill yourself, or you just self-sabotage yourself to such a point through alcohol or drugs or overeating or whatever that you're just living life for the purpose of ending it. You're just going to indulge yourself on so many different levels to try to kill the pain that you're experiencing that you end up killing yourself in that process. And that's a tragedy. It's just a tragedy.
You know, I've talked about this in other videos and it sounds simple, but it's not. And it's not an easy process. It unfolds slowly over weeks and months, even years. But you have to have faith in this process because it will take you to the places where you want to go. When I talk about acceptance and that is just wrapping your head around what's happening and getting to a place where you can accept that your marriage has ended is such a huge journey. I mean, just that one step and it's such a a simple thing from what it sounds like, except it's not. It's way more challenging than what it sounds like because accepting some a new reality that you never expected in your life. It's a it's a reality that you never imagined would happen. It's like waking up on Mars one day. You know, it's like how can I even begin to accept that's a possibility? And yet here I am on Mars. How is this even possible? That's the kind of mindset you have to have. It's like, okay, this is my new reality. You have to learn to live your life literally a minute at a time because your emotions are going to swing wildly from moment to moment where one minute you seem fine, like you you're okay. You've got your together and the next minute you're in tears. You're sobbing. And I know that sounds not very masculine, but I'm telling you that's what you're going to experience. You're going to feel the despair hit you all at once like a hammer. And then you're gonna be back to normal again. And you're gonna be back to normal for a while. And you're gonna feel okay for a while. And then the despair is going to hit you again and again and again. And you go through this cycle for a while. And it is very disconcerting. And you wonder if you're ever going to get out of it. And it's very difficult.
The path out of it, once you've got to that level of acceptance where you are understanding what's happening to you, is you have to look at your, um, what you have left. Like, what can you appreciate about what's remaining in your life? And you may have to dig for this. You know, for me, I had the dogs and I had my daughters. So, that was a lot. I mean, relatively speaking, for a what a lot of guys experience, what I had left over and what I had to appreciate and of course, these wonderful parks and and these trails and stuff, I had a ton to appreciate. And, um, and it's through that appreciation that I was able to finally get a handle on the the despair hammers coming down on me because I could find happiness or at least some level of contentment in my experience on a day-to-day basis. You know, I could see that the dogs had a need for me to continue feeding them and caring for them and all that stuff. My daughters, obviously, they had a lot of needs even though they were, you know, teenagers. My oldest was in like around 20 or so. My youngest was, I think, 15. Anyway, they they still had needs that I needed to to be aware of. Um, of course, I had a business to run and I had clients that needed my help. So, I was able to put my attention on those things that allowed me to give of myself to these people and to these dogs. And it was through that process of giving to others that I was able to find a level of I don't know, contentment, satisfaction, I don't know, happiness. I don't know if happiness is a strong word there. It's a real strong word for what I experienced. But it was something along those lines where I felt more at ease with my role in my own life. I had purpose. And I think that is probably the lynchpin is you've got to find a new purpose for your life. Even though it may not seem as grand as being a husband or whatever, you've got to find your new purpose as quickly as possible. Caring for the dogs. Even if my daughters were gone, at least I had the dogs to cared for. And I know it seems stupid and I I've seen people say, "Well, you are you really free if you've got the dogs and all that bullshit." Yeah, the dogs saved my life in a way because they forced me to get out of the house. They forced me to get on the trails. They forced me to get out of bed every morning. They forced me to move. And if it had not been for them, I could have seen myself just laying in bed, you know, canceling all my my sessions and allowing my despair to just completely destroy me. It would have been very easy. But that morning after she was gone, the dogs needed to be fed. They didn't know she was gone. They didn't care. They were still hungry. They needed to go for a walk. They needed to take a They needed to get outside. They had they still had an agenda and it was my responsibility to help them with their agenda. So that was a key factor for me.
The other thing, once you get past the acceptance and you start finding things to appreciate and you have a purpose for yourself, is then you have to look back at the attachment. What is it about this relationship that you're clinging to? Because there's something there that you're clinging to. Maybe it's an identity. Maybe it's what other people think about you. Maybe it's the idea that somebody loves you, somebody out in the world loves you. Maybe it's the idea that you need somebody out there in the world to love you in order for you to be a uh fully formed man. And all of those things are beliefs. They're belief systems that are toxic and they're causing you uh a lot of pain. And you just have to dismantle those beliefs. You just have to tear them down because whatever it is that you think that that relationship represented to you is causing you to feel this way. And it's an illusion. It's a, um, it's something that you are giving meaning to. It's not something that actually has meaning on its own. And so you just have to tear it down and, um, see it at it, you know, in its broken-down pieces and start to understand yourself as a human being, how these vulnerabilities led to these belief systems being created. And you've got to have some compassion for yourself in creating it. And then you've got to forgive yourself for the whole mess. And you've got to start looking forward to what's coming next.
Breaking it down and having compassion for yourself and forgiving yourself. These are all pretty big steps. You know, I could talk talk about this for probably hours with you guys, but this is a YouTube video. I got to keep it relatively short or nobody will watch it. But these steps are really, really important to getting your life back and getting your life on track in the direction that you want to go.
If you feel like you can't go on, if you're one of those guys, one of those 36 to 40,000 guys this year who's thinking they can't move on with their life because of this, reach out to somebody. You got to reach out. You know, call family, call your mother, call your brother, call your friend, reach out to somebody. This will pass.
When we talk about women being emotional and being irrational, there is no more emotional, irrational act than taking your own life. That's it. That is the most emotional and irrational act you can perform. And as a man, the last thing you want to do is make your last act on this planet an emotional, irrational act. I'm just joking. But you see what I mean? Like, don't let the emotions get you. Don't let them don't let them suck you into that hole. It's just not worth it. There's just no value in it. You're not going to, um, make anything better. Nothing is going to get resolved. No one is going to have this, you know, aha moment when they realize that you're gone and they're going to go, "Oh, poor Joe. I wish he hadn't done that. I wish I had done something differently." It won't matter. It just won't matter. So don't don't let yourself fall down that path. You know, there's too much to live for. There's too much life 2.0 out there. There is such a wonderful world that exists that you can be a part of once you get through this dark part. The light is there. Just keep looking for it. Keep your eyes open. I guarantee you that you'll have this chance to wipe the slate clean, move on with your life, and rewrite history in a way that you never could have imagined. Doors will open. People will come into your life. Opportunities will pop up. Um, yeah, there's still a lot of life to live. So, please, whatever you do, don't make your last act on this planet some emotional, irrational act. No one wants to be that guy.
All right, you guys. I hope this video is helpful. I hope that if you're going through the darkness right now and you're struggling, you'll reach out to somebody because, um, yeah, no man deserves to end that way because of a woman, you know? I don't care who she was or what she meant to you. It's just not worth it. It's just not worth it. Anyway, please like and subscribe. I'll catch you on the next one. Until then, stay healthy and if you can, be the better man.