Transcription
What is happiness? I think it's just basically being okay with where you are. Not wanting, not wanting things to be different than the way they are. Not having the sense that anything is missing in this moment.
If you can observe your own thoughts and view them a little objectively, then you can start being uh a little more choosy, a little more critical, and you can realize that there are no problems in the real world other than maybe things that inflict pain on your body. Everything else has to become a problem in your mind first. You have to view it and interpret it and create a narrative that it is a problem before it becomes a problem. And then you realize that a lot of your emotional energy is spent on reacting to things that your mind is automatically saying are problems and you don't need all those problems.
Do you really need that many problems in your life? Again, I would say try to focus on just one overarching problem and then go solve that problem. If you define pain as physical pain, then it's a real thing. It happens and you can't ignore it. But that's not what we mean by suffering. Suffering is mostly mental anguish and mental pain. And it just means you don't want to do the task at hand. Uh if you were fine doing the task at hand, then you wouldn't be suffering. And then the question is what's more effective to suffer along the way or just to interpret it in a way that is not suffering.
You hear from a lot of successful people, they look back and they say, "Oh, the journey was the fun part, right? That was actually the entertaining part and I should have enjoyed it more." It's a common regret, but just be careful because your attention is the only thing that you have.
One big anxiety resolve for me is just ruminating on death. I think that's a good one. You're going to die. It's all going to zero. If you can keep the idea in front of you at all times, that you're going to die and that everything goes literally to zero. What's there to stress about? Yeah. For better or worse, life is very short.
How should people deal with its briefness? Enjoy it. There's a little thought exercise I like to do, which is you can go back into your own life and uh try to put yourself in the exact position you were in 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago, and you try to remember, okay, who was I with, what was I doing, what was I feeling, what were my emotions, what were my objectives, and really, really try to transport yourself back and see if there's any advice you'd give yourself, anything you'd do differently. Now you don't have new information. Don't pretend you could have gone back and you know bought a stock or bought bought Bitcoin or whatever. But just knowing what you know now in terms of your temperament and a little bit of age related experience, how would you have done things differently? And I think it's a worthwhile exercise to do. So don't let me rob you of the conclusion. But I'll tell you for me uh I would have done everything the same except I would have done it with less anger, less emotion, less internal suffering because that was optional. It wasn't necessary.
And I would argue that someone who can do the job uh at least peacefully but maybe happily is going to be more effective than someone who has unnecessary emotional turmoil. [music] And and the journey is not only the reward. The journey is the only thing there is.
You know, even success, it's human nature to bank it very, very quickly, right? Because the normal loop that we run through is you sit around, you're bored, then you want something, then when you want something, you decide you're not going to be happy until you get that thing, then you start your bout of suffering or anticipation while you strive to get that thing. If you get that thing, then you get used to it, and then you get bored again. Then a few months later, you want something else. And if you don't get it, then you're unhappy for a bit. and then you get over it and then you want something else, right? That's the normal cycle. So whether you're happy or unhappy at the end, it tends not to last.
Now, I don't want to be glib and say that, oh, there's no point in making money or being successful. There there absolutely is. Money solves all your money problems. So, it is good to have money. Um, that said, there are those uh those stories that shows that uh people who break their back and people who win the lottery are back to their baseline happiness 2 years later. Yep.
Again, I don't know if that's entirely true. I think money can buy you happiness if you earned it because then along the way you have both pride and confidence in yourself and you have a sense of accomplishment and you, you know, set out to do something and you were right.
How do you shortcut that desire contract? You could focus, you could decide that I don't want most things. I think we have a lot of unnecessary desires that we just pick up everywhere. We have opinions on everything, judgments and everything. Uh so I think just knowing that those are the source of unhappiness uh will make you be choosy about your desires. And frankly, if you want to be successful, you have to be choosy about your desires. You have to focus.
You can't be great at everything. You can't be great at everything. You're just going to waste your energy and waste your time. Don't do something you don't want to do. Why? Why are you wasting your time? There's so little time on this earth. Life goes fast. What is it? 4,000 weeks. That's your lifespan. Um, and and yes, we hear that, but we don't remember it. But, uh, I guess I'm keenly aware of how little time I have, so I'm just not going to waste it.
Don't fritter away your life on randomly schedule things and on things that aren't important don't matter and events and weddings and, you know, tedious dinners with tedious people that you don't want to go to. To the extent you can bring freedom into your life, optimize for that, you'll actually be more productive. You won't just be happier, more free. You will be more productive because then you can focus on what is in front of you. whatever the biggest problem of that day.
When I wake up in the morning, uh the first 4 hours are when I have the most energy and that's when I want to solve all the hard problems. And the next 4 hours are when I kind of want to, you know, do some more outdoorsy activities or I want to work out or maybe I can, you know, have some meetings, but I'll try to do those last second based on whatever the day's priorities demand. The last four hours, I kind of want to wind down and I want to hang out with the kids and I want to play games or read a book or something like that. So having that flexibility and freedom is really important. So you can just put whatever is most needed into the slot at that moment.
I reject this frame that efficiency and productivity and success are counter to happiness and freedom. They actually go together.
How so? The happier you are, the more you can sustain doing something. The more likely you're going to do something that will in turn make you even happier and you'll continue to do it and you'll outwork everybody else. The more free you are, the better you can allocate your time and the less you're caught up in a web of obligations and commitments and the more you can focus on the task at hand.
So what matters is just being present for the thing. So if you're doing something that you want to do and you're fully there for it, then it's not wasted time. If you don't want to do it and your mind is running away from it and you're reacting against it and you're wishing you were somewhere else and you're thinking about some other thing or you're anticipating some future thing or regretting some past thing or being fearful of something, then that's wasted time. That's time that's being wasted when you're not actually present for the reality in front of you.
So my definition of wasted time, yes, I do want some material things in life and I, you know, there there are things that have more value than others within this life, but this life is very short and bounded. So the true wasted time is a time that you're not present for when you are not there for it. When you're not doing the thing you want to do to the best of your capability such that you're immersed in it. If you're not immersed in this moment, then you're wasting your time.
The worst outcome in the world is not having self-esteem. Why? Yeah, it's a tough one. Uh well, [laughter] I I I look at the people and I don't want to offend anybody, but I look at the people who don't like themselves and that's the toughest slot because they're always wrestling with themselves and it's hard enough to face the outside world. Um and no one's going to like you more than you like yourself. So, if you're struggling with yourself, then the outside world becomes an insurmountable challenge.
And it's hard to say why people have low self-esteem. It might be genetic. It might just be circumstantial. A lot of times I think it's because they just weren't unconditionally loved as a child and that sort of seeps in at a deep core level. Um but self-esteem issues can be the most limiting to some extent. Self-esteem is a reputation you have with yourself. Um you're watching yourself at all times. You know what you're doing and you have your own moral code. Everyone has a different moral code. But if you don't live up to your own moral code, the same code that you hold others to, uh it will damage your self-esteem.
So perhaps one way to build up your self-esteem is to live up to your own code very rigorously. Have one and then live up to it. Uh another way to raise your self-esteem might be to do things for others. Uh if I look back on my life and you know what are the moments that I'm actually proud of? There's very far and few between and it's not that often and it's not the things you would expect. It's not the material success. It's not having learned this thing or that. It's when I made a sacrifice for somebody or something that I loved. And uh that's when I'm actually ironically most proud. Now that's through an explicit mental exercise. But I'll bet you at some level I'm recording that implicitly. So that tells me that even if I am not being loved and the way to create love is to give love to to express love through sacrifice and through duty.
And so I think doing things like that can build up your self-esteem really fast. And anxiety is the emotion dour of the 21st century. And lots of driven people very anxious, very paranoid. That's what's caused them to be affected. pay so much attention, detail oriented, not letting things go, staying up at night, thinking about it, that's the paranoia coming in.
What have you come to learn about anxiety and dealing with it? So, anxiety and stress are interesting. They're very related. Stress is when uh like if you look at an iron beam, when an iron beam is under stress, it's cuz it's being bent in two different directions at the same time. So, when your mind is under stress, it's because it has two conflicting desires at once. So for example, you know, you you want to be liked but you want to do something selfish and you can't reconcile the two and so you're under stress. Uh you want to do something for somebody else, you want to do something for yourself, right? These aream you you don't want to go to work but you want to make money so you're under stress. Right? So you have two conflicting desires and I think one of the ways to get through stress is to acknowledge that oh I actually have two conflicting desires and either I need to resolve it. I need to pick one and then be okay losing the other or I will decide later. But at least just being aware of why you're stressed can help alleviate a lot of stress.
And then anxiety, I think, is sort of this pervasive unidentifiable stress where you're just kind of stressed out all the time and you're not even sure why and you can't even identify the underlying problem. I think the reason for that is because you you have so many uh unresolved problems, unresolved stress points that have piled up in your life that you can no longer identify what the problems are and there's this mountain of garbage in your mind and a little bit of it poking out the top like an iceberg and that's anxiety. But underneath there's a lot of unresolved things. And so you just need to kind of go through very carefully every time you're anxious like okay why am I anxious this time? I don't know why. Oh, well, let me sit here and just think about it. Let me let me write down what the possible causes could be. Let me meditate on it. Let me journal. Let me talk to a therapist. Let me talk to my friends. Let me just kind of see like when does that stress go away? If you can kind of identify and unravel and resolve these issues, then I think that helps get rid of anxiety. Uh, a lot of the anxiety is piled up because we move through life too quickly, not observing our own reactions to things. We don't resolve them. So this goes counter to what I was saying earlier about not reflecting too much on things but you reflect on the problems to observe them and solve them.