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Mini breaks are 50 shades of cray-cray. How can anyone be expected to go somewhere new and enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? There's no idea where to go, what to do, or how to eat. It's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental thunder.
But let not tears spoil your cheeks, for I, Richard Showbiz, ayurdy, am about to apply a damp compressive cheer to your beleaguered brow. Stop contractually tethered to a TV face to comprise some kind of deathly ad hoc double act. I'm going to savagely shoulder you through a maxi mini break. This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, a 48-hour Emirati excursion in downtown Dubai. 14 million tourists a year bear down on this opulent oasis, flinging coin around like they were in some kind of coin-flinging competition and helping mean this abject to front to austerity. Is actor, comedian, and institution Johnny Vegas. Testicles sure, together we will skid around on sand. This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double. Sightsee like windborne chat. Let's face the uh, the city bus tour, doesn't it? And blow a bundle on ice. Lick the exhaust off a Capri. That is not the review they're looking for. We're here, but should we have come? You, it's that gorgeous, or whatever. And I believe I can run deep. Americans download v-lee now.
The only humane way to get to Dubai is a seven-hour flight, calling into question the foundational notion of what constitutes a mini break. Yeah, he bags his shotgun. Yeah, you know, I suffer from motion sickness. I'm feeling, I'm coming over an old Swatch. [ __ ] Well, not for the first time. So, with me publicly acknowledged skin, raised on Butlins and cheap camping holidays, well, this is like a fancy version of that. Why do you buy? Why the millionaires' playground? Well, I'll tell you why. Who buys one of seven states that make up the United Arab Emirates? A relatively new country, created the same years a year in which 1971 took place. A tiny fishing village until the '60s, Dubai exploded out of the desert into a high-rise landscape and shiny mega-structures, thanks to the discovery of oil, the fuel that brings only joy.
Things in Dubai are, in a very real sense, well, massive. So well massive that the Guinness Book of World Records has a Dubai outpost to cope with the influx. World's tallest building? They got that. Largest shopping center? They got that. No sound move with a teaspoon in 30 seconds? They've done that. And largest gathering of people dressed as nurses? They got that on lock. Fellas prepared to keep a tight grip on their ward can enjoy a weekend in Dubai for around 800 pounds. But for the benefit of award-baiting TV, Johnny and I are about to spat 10 times that on hotel rooms alone.
The Atlantis, our sober retreat for the next 48 hours, is situated on the world's biggest man-made palm-shaped island, the Palm. I mean, how late were those stores? I'm furious. I was right next to it. Look at this comely centerpiece. That's a Potter. Yes, sculptor. How do you feel about it? That's pretty, um, yeah, I'm impressed. A younger, drunk me would want to climb that. Don't rule it out. Well, why don't you go to your suites, one of the 1500 rooms here, and we can meet at the aquarium? Well, in three days' time. In five minutes. Five minutes? Yes. Okay, come on.
Our rooms come with private 24-hour butlers. Someone's broken in already. Who have previously pretended to care about Kylie, De Niro, Kardashian, and Vernon the face. K ceilings for a pinch. High would be perfect. Johnny's in the three-story Neptune Suite with its wall of fish. Oh my God. My personal joint retailing at over eight and a half hour night has five balconies, gold-laced toiletries, and mercifully, British standard AC power sockets.
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But I'm trying not to get sucked into the commodification of marine life. This has been an overly obvious place to rendezvous in a spy film. 11 million liters of seawater, of course. 65,000 types of fish. 220 kilograms a day of food. Oh God. Completing thing is this is 70 centimeters thick. That's the only thing I need to take away from here. I cannot. We sit with the paint in front of this for three days. We don't have time. There's nothing here that you can't get on a screensaver of any standard PC. Let's go.
No one has walked in Dubai since the late '70s, and with dwindling oil reserves, the roads could soon go the full Mad Max. So we opt for an alternate mode of transport. Come on, do this. Uh, why was I made so weak? I'm such a weak person. It's, um, it's in the mind. I've got no constitution. That speaks the, uh, the city bus tour, doesn't it? According to my favorite types of motion sickness. Yeah, and see forever for a far too long 40 minutes. We'll loop out from the historic part of Dubai, the Creek, and taken the offshore man-made world, the Palm, and the City skyline. This is a bit much for me. That's the cost of islands meant to look like the world down there. What is that, my man? Yes, it didn't actually form into a map of the globe. Doesn't fly when you build the sandcastle. I don't know how this is. I need you to know this. I know I have the brain of a 12-year-old that just has a question like, what's that ship doing? The, I don't know what country is that meant to be. Poland. Traditional when it's raining? Yes. Oh God. Wow. I was knocking on that at all. And that's the Palm over there. That's where we're staying. It's an engineering feast. It's admirable, but it's, I don't think Michael Jackson would have done. Yes, yes. Speaking personally, I could never do this again. This plane is too small. It's like a VW van has taken off into the air. That's my favorite bit of the trip. But the land is ending. May need to use my seaweeds meant to be back and leave them my confidence. If all I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here. After risking our lives for something that could have been more comfortably achieved using Google Maps, we decided to soothe our blackened souls in the secular chapel of consumerism. Shopping off tops the list of reasons for visiting Dubai, and the world's biggest mall is an attraction. I plan to prowl around like a mighty tiger. I like malls. For you? I love malls. Yeah, I could waste the entire trip. But in some serious dents and the credit card. Yeah. What can go wrong in them all? Nothing. I feel safe. There's no weather. Time is irrelevant. As well as a host of high street mainstays.
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It's also home to Donald Trump's favorite tea shop. That's a thousand pounds for 100 grams. There's nobody in this world that I love enough to pay that much. I'm right here. I'm right here because I thought something this size. That one is night. Just for the ten. That's 90. Yes, it's empty. I've been a fool on these years just throwing out my recycling. I know. I don't ask how much for sugar. Dubai Mall has more than 150 food joints, but only modular specializes in camel cuisine, which is fortunate because Johnny and I have been on strict camel-only diets for close to a decade. Look, this is the camel milk cafe. You can get camel milk products. Three times the vitamin C of normal milk. Closest animal milk, turkey, and mother's milk. You like salty milk, surely? Is it popular than what's the locals? Or are we just being? The place is packed. We're lucky to get a seat. What are you talking about? We're going full hump with a camel sandwich, a camel milkshake, and a camel Chino. You haven't thought of a pun for the milkshake. You've gone camel Chino. So that's camel. Yeah. Camel milkshake. Camille Milkshake. The milkshake. Come on. I only want 25 of that. Yeah, okay. Thank you. It's like that spam. Camel spam. Right. All right. That is saltier than I would have expected. How's that Camille Shake? That is actually, that's pretty damn good. I wouldn't know that was camels. I don't know what you'd believe that was, but you'd certainly ask what kind of meat is this. All right. Yeah, let's leave before they try and get us to pay. Small man who couldn't stop laughing assured us that no trip to Dubai is complete without heading to the desert. So we're doing exactly what he said, heading 45 minutes out of town in search of sandy action. There is just a child of adrenaline junk care. As long as it takes. No more physical exertion than you know, putting your foot down. Tourists who love water-scarce topography can ride camels, ski across the dunes, or fly over them in a balloon. It's at this point that the laughing man's chuckles start to have a hollow ring. My name is Mitch. All right, guys, you ready for the buggies? No. Yes. Have you done anything to those dunes to make them roadworthy? Nothing at all. Okay. Why won't people accept that there are some places that they cannot drive? This man's overwhelming need to conquer the elements while still are stuck to a guided wows around the dunes costs 125 pounds for a couple of hours of sandy gripless hell. No, no, no, no. The only thing I have in common with Jeremy Clarkson is that we're both casually racist. Got out of your mind. This entire sequence could have been handled by my stunt double.
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Oh, I feel trust slipping. Come on. That was a rush. That was the same kind of rush as being abducted. [ __ ] That was Brooke. Come on. Oh, look at the sand. Look. I go through life, um, just limping with gout. Out there, I found like a sander ballerina. I was focusing on my own terror, but I'm pleased that you managed to, uh, to let go. Lifetime. As Eve assaults, Johnny demands that I hook him up with some high-end ice. So he sloped down to Scoopy, one of Dubai's most recently opened ice cream parlors, to carve up the most costly ice cream on the planet. You will need to give me a credit card at the end of this because I intended all of this. The black diamond Madagascan vanilla ice cream blended with black truffle is frozen live using a liquid nitrogen method for optimum taste and texture before the addition of what can very much be described as garnish. A garnish made from supposedly health-giving 23-carat edible gold. It's good for your brain, your nerves, right? The hemoglobin of your body. It increases. Okay. A lot of benefits are there. So maybe why I feel so bad? As I've never eaten gold. Iranian saffron and gold sprinkles. Take this volley to 433 pounds a scoop, but you could claw back some of the cost by eBaying the complementary Versace bowl. I'm in. Yeah, you can really taste that gold. Are you getting that metallic? That's the test. The slime. Lick the exhaust off a Capri. That is not the review they're looking for. Well, it's very good. You take the bottle. No, no, no, no. It's my gift for you. No, senior toothpaste. What do you mean? Since iPad. Remember to tip.
And with Johnny and financial disarray, the fripperies of day one finally fizzle out. We're halfway through our near-mythic quest to gut all the goodness from Dubai in just 48 hours. So far, we have been propelled at altitude. All I can say is, I feel Craig David would like it here. Skidded ungoverned in the desert. Got out of your mind. And exceeded our culinary tolerance. What kind of meat is this? By day two, we're as relaxed and untouchable as bankers. Yeah, right. Chaps, no peeking. Yes. I mean, yo, we've become so heinously spoiled that we demand that breakfast is brought to us.
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All Reef Terrace immediately. No, no, thank you. That best factory rule. Let me in. I hope you don't mind. Yes, he's a good man and thorough. In an act that combined faux authenticity with greed, we order a full Arabian: four types of cheese, full madam or beans and sauce, a vegetable platter, omelette, fruit, and flatbreads. Welcome back home, and my wife presents me with cocoa pots. I'm just going to end up in tears. We'll have to hit the roof now. By the way, I have to let you know about some standards of decorum here. All right? These are things which have the boat and foul language. Okay? Crew gestures that can include the protrusion of your tongue. And try and refrain from sharing the soles of your feet, because I know that's often how you communicate. But the manicure, the very well-known turned. I love your feet, you know that? But you cannot show the soles of them to anyone here. How's that cheese ball going down? Immersion. Well, we can't be too long. We only have limited time. We just take the plate with you. Take the bowl. I'll take this. I'll just take a little bit of cheese with a bit of this cheese. The cheese. You got any clean film?
As our remaining insulin floods through us, plain common sense insists we ascend Dubai's biggest tourist attraction, the Burj Khalifa, holder of eight of Dubai's 149 world records. The Florida, we're going to 124. Hey, Ben's eye bills. Attention. Yeah, the composers to be congratulated. And what two vertigo sufferers wouldn't want to stand upon the world's highest observation deck? In my brain is telling me that a crystal wind is going to take me through. Oh my God. Please, please, please. I think, I think maybe it's for this. So you can have a casual look. Nice picking. Got a really weird buzzing me to me. Testicles sure. Not in any sexual. No, don't. Your body language was not telling me that that was a good thing. Let me hit you with some stats here, Johnny. Right, highest residential apartments. Most rules in any building in the world. Tallest freestanding structure in the world. World record for vertical concrete pumping. That's a great one. 605 meters. World's second highest swimming pool. That must sting. That's got to hurt. And my favorite, the world's highest toilet, which I plan on using. Yeah. I don't mean it's a good way to go. What would be like two-thirds something? Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Just oh. It'll clean some windows. It's so high. I've gone out the other side of my words. Ago, how can you miss a casual at this? Because it's so high, it's become silly. That's why I'm gonna take you out here, Johnny. Just look at it. Let's go and use the world's highest toilet separately. Right, okay.
Keen to add the instability of water travel to our dizzy frames, we decide to hit the creek. Oh, hello. Wouldn't abras have been ferrying locals over the creek for a mind-boggling 40 years? And at one dirham, approx 18p, it's the cheapest way to travel to the oldest part of town. You like this? It seems very, um. These boats do look like they could go any minute. At the end, heavy. Don't want to be tippy. Hedron here. Yeah, yeah. Well, they want from using fish and chips. We need Bernard Herman to score this moment. We're going into that old Dubai. Some of this is as old as Katy Perry. A pleasingly swift four-minute journey lands us in the Al Fahidi district with its pre-aircon wind towers and labyrinthine streets. I know this is all from the late '90s, I think. And it's a bit less Dallas. All that remains of the old city walls is on display, and what a magnificent sight it is. 50 centimeters thick, 600 meters long. These are impressive stats, aren't they? 2.5 meters high. In the beginning of the 20th century, the war was demolished to accommodate the expansion of the city, and frankly, good riddance to what is a statistically unimpressive wall. It homes have, uh, Chessington World of Adventures. And you say that like it's a bad thing. Version of Dubai. I love that place. That's a place where you can dream.
The only thing left for us to achieve is the purchase of some random guff with which to sanctify our stay. How are you with fringe magnet? I like them. It just says nearby skyline, doesn't I love. So you're not, you're not over committing? Yes, you're just ambivalent. You just acknowledge that it has one. This could be pleasing. Oh, hey now. Oh, it keeps going. That's coming home. That's coming home. Beautiful. I like this. Yeah. Perhaps it's not the best memento, but just fill every refillable butane lighter in the world. Okay, well, I don't know. You can take that on the plane. That looks well. That's literally flammable. No, but I'll just feel a lot light as well. I'm here. And the tickle. The light is on separate. Now, if you're getting through that many lighters here, I'm going to recommend you cut down. So these two, I'm not sure what you'd call them. There's 120 of them each. Johnny, get in here. How much? 20 for one. Yeah. Oh, come on. Yeah, please. We're on the limited budget. Except for 30, 35 times three. Okay, yeah. And then the T. 25. Whoa. Now, now, come on. That's great. I normally tea and I sell a lot of tea in the UK. You're talking to Mr. Trust me. I mean, not the real Mr. TV. Can get them both for 40. And I'll do a picture holding the tea for you. The whole lot for a hundred. 100? 112. Okay. I don't feel totally comfortable with your energy level at the moment. You seem kind of down about it. Are you okay with this? Yeah. I'm gonna give you some more money because it's not a game show. I'm well aware of that. There's lots of ratings and the Razzmatazz. No, but you're missing out on the whole ethos of bath. No, I don't know if the man looks down. So I'm going to leave another 50 dirham. Okay, because it's not everything. Is that enough now? Okay. I'll give you 100 more dirham. No. His manly yet doleful eyes end up costing me close to half a c, taking our consolidated weekend spend to 16,912 pounds and 13 pence. A bill which remains unpaid. Tempus is as Phuket as ever. So he slumped down on the hotel's man-made beach to assess our colossal achievements. Johnny, what activity did you like best? Oh, um, you seem to like the jeans. Yeah, that was a hell of a lot of fun. I love the, uh, the boat, you know, the river taxi. Yes, because that felt like the most authentic thing, and it was something that everyday people were using. I tell you what I've really enjoyed. I've enjoyed the fact that they are three-pin plugs here. That is a joy. That will accommodate a two-pin. It will accommodate a two-pin as well. It's, it's some of the best power soccer tree I've ever seen. I'm gonna go and have a paddle, I think. Ask the foreman over there when they'll be done. Way back, Johnny. Well, you got a, a speed. We'll start chucking some sanding and create a bit of real estate. If I were on. All right, I'll get a spade.
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