Chapter 16 Things that can dampen the mood

Chapter 16. Things that can dampen the mood.

Things are really humming now. The music is bumping and people are in full swing. You are off to the races. Yet, at different points during the night, you are likely to get stuck, sidetracked, or something can take you out of your flow. This is to be expected, and many distractions or mood turns can be addressed and resolved as long as you can spot them when they're happening.

Awkwardness. If you've never been to a play party before, prepare yourself. Awkwardness is not just likely, it is guaranteed. It's the unwritten rule of the universe that you will feel out of place, uncomfortable, and perhaps even a little lost at some point or another. Trust me, after attending so many play parties, I can assure you that I still feel awkward every single time. Awkwardness is a social phenomenon that thrives in environments where vulnerability and sexuality intertwine.

The setting, a recipe for awkwardness. At a play party, you're surrounded by unfamiliar faces, people you've never met before, many of whom are parading around in a variety of states of undress. You witness intimate encounters between strangers while they, in turn, witness you. You might find yourself dancing in nothing but your underwear or even naked, sharing space with others who are doing the same. Picture this. You're in a kitchen surrounded by naked bodies, trying to figure out how to balance a plate of snacks while feeling exposed. On top of that, there are often BDSM scenes happening in the corner of nearby rooms with floggers cracking and moans echoing through the air. The opportunities for feelings like performance anxiety, jealousy, and fear of missing out are plentiful. In fact, I often joke that play parties should be renamed awkward parties.

And this is precisely the point. The more you feel awkward, the more room there is for personal growth. So, embrace the awkward. A friend of mine and sex educator, Reed Mahalo, otherwise known as the sex geek, taught me an important lesson about awkwardness. Embrace it. Acknowledge that awkwardness is a universal experience in these spaces. And every person, regardless of how seasoned they may appear, has felt awkward, overwhelmed, angry, or insecure at some point during their play journey. And it's all part of the process.

When you find yourself feeling awkward, there are several strategies you can employ to make it a little easier on yourself.

the [ __ ] doing nothing. Emily was frustrated with herself for sitting on a sofa, speaking to no one, and essentially opting out of her experience. She became so consumed by her own feelings of awkwardness that she couldn't enjoy what was happening all around her. She missed out on everything the party had to offer. This is the real pitfall, allowing awkwardness to paralyze you.

The formula for an awkward conversation. If you feel that familiar wave of awkwardness wash over you, here's a handy formula for navigating those feelings.

Number one, declare it. Start by acknowledging the awkwardness to at least one other person. Simply say, "I'm feeling awkward." By owning your discomfort, you grant permission to others to feel the same way. Often, you'll find that people respond with relief. Oh, thank God you said something. I was feeling awkward, too.

Number two, suggest an alternative. After acknowledging the awkwardness, offer a new direction. If you find yourself sitting at the edge of a play scene, watching your partner with someone else, surrounded by others who appear equally uncomfortable, you might say, "Is it just me or is this awkward?" If they agree, follow up with, "I have an idea. Would you like to go to the dance floor?" Or, "How about we go grab a snack?" The key here is to offer a suggestion that shifts the energy. It doesn't matter what the idea is. What matters is that it encourages movement and connection.

Number three, encourage connection. If your suggestion doesn't resonate, it's perfectly fine to ask, "Well, what about something else?" This opens the floor for others to contribute their own ideas, fostering a sense of collaboration rather than isolation.

The power of movement. One of the best things you can do when feeling awkward is to literally move your body. Get up, walk around, and change your environment. By doing so, you're not only altering your surroundings, you're also helping your nervous system to reregulate. Fresh air, new sights, and different interactions can help dispel that uncomfortable energy. Many parties or events will also offer designated slowdown spaces such as cuddle rooms or place places to take breathers. These spaces can be great opportunities to find other people who are also looking to reconnect and drop into the energy of the party.

Embracing all that comes with attending sexy events has served me well, allowing me to embrace the awkward moments instead of shying away from them. So, the next time you find yourself at a play party, remember awkwardness is not just expected. It's an opportunity for growth, connection, and deeper understanding of yourself and others. Embrace it, laugh at it, and let it guide you on your journey of open relating.

Triggers. I remember a time when I thought I had no triggers. I believed I was above jealousy and didn't need to do any more work on myself regarding those feelings. Can you even imagine? Then I began attending play parties. These gatherings are the perfect crucible for testing your triggers. Scenarios you never anticipated can spring forth and catch you off guard. No matter how long someone has been in the scene, there is always an opportunity, both sought after and unexpected, that gives us a chance to explore parts of ourselves that we may not have been aware of. It's up to each of us to decide how we will choose to meet these triggers.

The overwhelming nature of play parties. Sensory overload. Even if you're not consuming substances, the sheer atmosphere of a play party can be overwhelming. The number of people, the constant interactions, and the plethora of new experiences can easily lead to a sensory overload. Thus, entering a play party can be inherently triggering. Be aware of potential flash points, those trigger-inducing situations you might encounter. Here are a few scenarios to consider.

One, feeling left out. Imagine wa imagine walking into a room full of people and not knowing anyone. You might feel left out, experiencing a wave of FOMO. It's easy to spiral into thoughts of unworthiness, believing no one wants to play with you, like a trip back to middle school.

[ __ ] up. Succumbing to this feeling and allowing it to spiral is the most common [ __ ] followed by making it someone else's fault, and pulling them into your spiral.

Solve. Instead of moving um instead keep moving around the room and focus on building a new friendship or experience.

Two, the pressure of invitations. On the flip side, what if you are bombarded with invitations? People approach you from multiple directions eager to include you in their scenes. This can trigger past traumas related to consents, leading you to feel overwhelmed. For instance, some might say someone might say, "Hey, I'd love to chat and invite you into a scene." If you're not comfortable with this, it could feel like a pressure cooker.

[ __ ] up. Part of you may feel grateful for the attention and not want to lose it. You may find yourself saying yes when you're not really feeling a knot yet.

Solve. If you're not yet confident in asserting your boundaries, remember, you can always say, "Thank you so much for the invite. I'm not I'm currently a not right now, but we'll find you later if and when it feels right for me." Or, "I'm just here to learn and witness tonight." These statements help to create a safe space for yourself and let others know your comfort level and intentions.

Three, moving too fast. One common trigger for newcomers is the rapid escalation from flirtation or cuddles to penetration.

[ __ ] The excitement and momentum can sweep you away in the moment but lead to feelings of shame and resentment later.

Solve. To avoid this, set clear agreements with yourself before entering the party. Ask yourself, "Am I okay with simply kissing tonight?" Whatever your boundaries are, hold yourself accountable and stick with them through the night. Also, if things start to pick up pace, take a pause, ask for time or space, even 5 minutes. Leave the room for perspective and then allow yourself to resettle and come back from a clear, calm space. If you have a friend or partner that you're attending the party with, it can also be a helpful to have an accountability buddy to check in with if you feel drawn to engage in something that you had initially not had on the table for the evening.

Four, watching others engage. Another challenging trigger is witnessing someone you're interested in engaging with someone else. This feeling of jealousy or insecurity can be uncomfortable.

[ __ ] up. This can get overwhelming, leading either to one, engaging with someone else to get even or um care without care for the impact that this may have on the third person, two becoming overly emotional with your interests, interrupting their engagement or flow, or three, disengaging from the event altogether, stemming from your insecurity spiral.

Solve. The invitation here is to stay curious about your feelings without judgment. Acknowledge your emotions, but remember your feelings are yours to own and endeavor to to understand. Your perspective lover is not responsible for holding your feelings, and you're all on individual journeys. Take some time in the bathroom to give yourself a loving friend pep talk in the mirror.

Triggers related to your partnerships.

One, the importance of pre-party negotiations. One major trigger at parties can stem from a lack of prior negotiation with your partner. If you see them engaging in something that you're uncomfortable with, say they're having anal sex with someone or connecting with someone they previously claimed to not be interested in, you might find yourself feeling triggered.

[ __ ] up. You yuck their yum and you make the your discomfort their problem. If your partner isn't technically violating any agreements, addressing your feelings in the heat of the moment will almost always be detrimental.

Solve. Allow yourself time to cool down before addressing this with your partner. Give yourself 24 hours to process, but before discussing it with them, talk it through with a trusted friend first to ensure that you're not projecting your insecurities onto them. Try to enter the discussion with an orientation towards seeking and understanding rather than being right.

Two, unmet expectations. Another trigger can arise from unmet expectations. If your partner isn't giving you the attention or support you believe you deserve. If they're not checking in with you as frequently as you'd like or involving you in their scenes, you may feel neglected.

[ __ ] You become needy, emotional, or cold. Your partner is left to guess what is wrong with you and babysit your emotions, taking them out of their experience.

Solve. Communicate your expectations ahead of time. If you think you'll need specific attention, tell them so. If you need them to enter or leave with you, make that request. If you haven't communicated your requests in advance, though, feel free to make requests at the event, but ideally in an environment where you're both not otherwise engaged. However, be prepared if engaging during the event that your request could end with a no and could evening in the evening for both of you.

Three, misinterpreted agreements. What happens when an agreement is misinterpreted? Consider a situation where you and your partner agreed on a certain boundary, no penetrative sex, but during the party things go sideways.

[ __ ] You see your female partner penetrating someone with a strap on and think that gives you the right to penetrate someone as well. Rather than address the agreement um violation with your partner, you get even.

Solve. Take some time to notice in yourself where your desire to engage with someone in the same way as your partner is coming from. Did it come from a place of hurt or genuine misunderstanding of the parameters of your agreement? Try to address the agreement vi violations as quickly as possible so as not to let them fester. If there was a misinterpretation, this allows for clarification prior to intensification. If there was an actual violation, however, addressing it upfront allows for repair.

Bonus tip. If you have more than one partner who will be at an event, it is important to go over boundaries and agreements with all of your partners beforehand. If one of your partners isn't aware of an agreement that you have with another partner, example, no penetration, and a boundary is then broken, it can put significant strain and negative feelings between metas. This can become another situation where it is a lot harder to walk back and repair work, do repair work after the fact than it could have been if if you just have clearly communicated upfront.

Environmental triggers. The physical setup of of an event space can also impact your experience. Let's explore some of those environmental factors that can either throw you off or get you in the right space to get sexy.

One, sensory discomforts. Maybe you're turned off by the music, the lighting, someone's bad smell, or the room's too cold. These seemingly minor elements can significantly impact your experience.

[ __ ] up. You don't say anything to anyone, but you close yourself off for the night and find yourself bitching about the issue um or event to others.

Solve. Find the organizer. Kindly give them your feedback. Mention your request. Allow them to address it. If it remains an issue, this may not be a good event for you. Oftentimes, however, you weren't the only one who was bothered by the issue, and it can be easily resolved.

Two, the length of opening circles. Another common trigger is the length of opening circles. If it drags on, you might find yourself frustrated, antsy, or missing out on the excitement that brought you to the party in the first place.

[ __ ] up. You decide to start drinking and either peel off with a lover, or begin playing or chatting openly during the circle. You make others uncomfortable because you're engaging prior to parameters for the event being set and without getting the consent of the others in the circle.

Solve. Reach out to the organizer or someone who has attended these events in the past to find out what the opening circle process entails. Ask about protocol, whether you can arrive late, whether you are permitted to peel off the if the circle becomes overwhelming, etc. Having an idea of what the event will look like will help you to decide if this is an event you wish to attend.

Three, transactional sex. Some parties can feel overly transactional and overly talky. Depending on the type of party you are attending, sex club versus swinger versus poly, this can swing in quite a bit in one direction.

[ __ ] up. The vibe isn't what you expected it to be. You feel offended and you leave. You complain about the event to others. You walk away in judgment and refuse to see the value in the gathering.

Solve. Try to stay curious. Just because a particular event didn't meet your needs doesn't mean it didn't meet others needs. Try to notice which parts felt in alignment with what you were looking for and which parts didn't. Then you can decide if this is something you want to continue to participate in in the future or if there's another type of event which may be may better serve your preferences and desires. Knowing what type of space you're entering before you go to the party is a huge part of setting yourself up well for the evening.

Four, lack of structure. Finally, the absence of a structured container can be overwhelming. If there's no opening circle or clear schedule and you walk into chaos, it can be disorienting.

[ __ ] up. You either get swept up in the chaos or make decisions that you regret later, i.e. no STI talk, jumping in before ready, or you exit the scene figuratively or literally.

Solve. Before attending, ask the organizers about the structure. Knowing what to expect can help ease anxiety. And if there's no structure or order, you always have the power to create your own interactions of structure. Fall back on your RBDs SMA. Use your tools of communication. Remember, you are never forced to stay at a party um or do anything that is not in alignment with your values. However, check in with yourself before leaving. Is it fear or insecurity driving your desire to go? Or is it truly a viol violation of your values? If insecurity, would you benefit from staying to learn more about yourself? or does leaving best serve you? Your needs matter and you are the authority on you. So feel free to peace out whenever the vibe is off for you.

In essence, entering a play party is a journey rife with potential triggers. By preparing yourself through communication, boundary setting, and self-awareness, you can navigate these spaces and sit in discomfort more confidently. Remember, it's all about your individual learning expedition. Embrace the experience and recognize that it's okay to feel triggered. It's how you respond that matters.