I Love My Husband, but I Keep Cheating on Him

[Music] I'm in the Army Reserves and I've been in for almost 14 years. In the spring of 2023, I started having an affair with somebody that I met. I felt terrible with what I was doing. So, I set my husband down and I told him everything.

Why do you want to stay married to him? What's up? What's going on everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls from all over planet Earth about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Is your marriage on the brink? Are you thinking about asking that person to spend the rest of your life with you? Are are your kids struggling? Are you struggling? Whatever you got going on. My promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move.

Let's roll out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm good. What's up in your world? Hello. Um, I'm pretty nervous right now. It's crazy that I'm talking to you. No, don't be nervous. You're good. I'm glad that you called. What's up?

Um, I'll try to be quick to the point. Um, I'm in the Army Reserves and I've been in for almost 14 years. Um, in the spring of 2023, I left for TDY and I started having an affair with somebody that I met during training. Mh. Um, the affair went past training. Um, it was a long-distance affair. Like the physical part was pretty much over, but the emotional part stayed. Um, and about 6 months, 5 to 6 months into it, I felt terrible for what I was doing. So, I, you know, I sat my husband down and I I told him everything. Um, and things have just kind of been on the rocks ever since, as you can imagine.

Um, I immediately started therapy. I'm I'm still in therapy. And through therapy, I realized that, you know, I haven't I've never been faithful in a single relationship I've ever been in. Most of my relationships I've ever been in have never been faithful to me either. And um I now attend um sex addiction anonymous meetings on Saturday mornings. Um, and um, I just need to know if like, you know, after a year and a half of being on a rocks with my husband and my husband's like back and forth on like if he wants to stay, if he wants to try to work it out, he's he's back and forth on it. And about two, three weeks ago, he finally came out and said that he wanted a divorce. Um, which was the opposite in which I thought things were going. I thought things were getting better. Um, and since then, um, things seem to be calm between us. Um, he's still in the house. He says he's not actively he's not actively looking for a place to go. He hasn't talked to a lawyer. Um, I just have I messed up too much? Like I I don't Is am I is my marriage can I save this? Can I fix this?

Um, I realized too that um, going through therapy that like I grew up closer to my mom's side of the family and everybody on that side of the family, including my grandparents, all of my aunts and uncles, and even my own mother, have had multiple children by multiple partners, multiple affairs, like, and I just don't want to be this way anymore. Um, we have a soon to be three-year-old. Um, I just I don't know what to do.

Like you were telling me that. How often have you said all of that out in a row in a line like that? Um, to your producer. Not very often. Yeah. Um, how long have you been married? 7 years. Uh, it'll be seven years this year. Okay. And um tell me about who you married. Excuse me. Tell me about who you married. Um, he's he's wonderful. In fact, right now I'm really struggling with figuring out like why I did what I did. And honestly, it's not the first time. And he knows about the other times as well. It seems like every time I've acted out, every time I've done this, like I've I've been perfectly happy. Uh when I He's He's great. He's a very kindhearted man. Um how many times have you cheated on him? Um a total of three times. Um um he I the two other times was before we got married. Um, yeah.

I So why do you want Why do you want to stay married to him? uh the because I I am inspired by him. I want to be like him. He's such a good person. Um and uh he comes from such a a good family and um you know I I've told him this before like my happiest memories that I have have been with him and yeah I I I don't want to leave that. I I truly feel like he is good for me, you know. I just so know that I haven't been very good to him. Yeah.

Um, that's a hard pill to swallow, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I can feel your uh I can feel your shoulders up around your ears. Drop them for me. Yeah. Drop them for me. Um, so it usually catches people off guard when they find out that many, many, many affairs happen inside of what would be classified as good or fine marriages. And the way you talked about him was really instructive. It's kind of where my head was going. And I feel like you confirmed it, but I don't want to say confirm because that sounds like it's in concrete and I always want to leave some space to be wrong. But um you haven't liked you for a long long time. And what I mean by that is there's that sense of I want to feel in my body and my chest what my head knows to be true. And when you have that gap, you seek thrills. You seek out of body experiences. You seek the words I use on the show all the time, but you seek some sense of feeling alive.

Um, training weekends with the reserves will do that for you. Um, a year deployment will do that with you. Laughing and flirting and being one of like the cool girls with the foul mouth who can like hang with the guys when you're out like in the woods for six six weeks, you know, and nobody's showering and you're kind of the cool girl. Like all that happens, right? And but it's a sense of I want to belong here. And then you get back home, I want to belong here. And you get around your family, I want to belong here. And that lack of rootedness is you trying to find a place where somebody will look at you and say, I'm glad you're here. I love you. You're worth being here. But that you're trying to get it out externally and not internally.

Here's the challenge. When I asked you why you want to stay married to him, you talked about him as though he is a really important medication for you. I like being with him. He makes me better. Um, he has a good family. Nowhere did I hear you say, "I love him." I mean, I do. I know. I know. I know. But the question I want you to ask yourself is, do you love the benefits he gives you or are you allin? Because when he's not with you and he can't give you those benefits, you don't have that feeling of security. You go searching for it somewhere else because you're unanchored. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, you probably get that at home. You probably been unanchored for a while because it sounds like you were raised by unanchored people and in chaos. Fair. Yeah. Yeah. Um off and on.

Here's the sucky thing about therapy and all that. Going and figuring it out like why it all happened. Awesome. The fact that you're going to essay meetings, awesome. I'm proud of you for doing that work. Here's the thing, though. You can't cheat. And there doesn't always have to be a why. There doesn't have to be a reason. There has to be like the idea that you're going to be with somebody and never attracted to somebody, never wondering what's it would be like to be with somebody else. That's nuts. That's everybody. And regardless of how you were raised, what happened when you're a kid, regardless of what like you can make a choice, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. And so I I mean it's it's good to go to therapy. It's good to figure out what's going on. It's like how do I how do I connect my heart and my head? All that stuff is awesome and good. I'm so glad you're doing that work. But somewhere in the last year and a half, it sounds like this guy is wildly crazy about you. But I'm wondering if he just exhaled and said, "But I can't anchor in. Three times in in seven years, three times in eight years is too much. Yeah.

So, you ask me, "Can you save your marriage?" 100% y'all can. You can't. And I'm I I Have you sat down and said, "Hey, you said this really heavy thing a few weeks ago. I need to know where you are." Not yet. I'd like to. I'm just I'm really scared to right now. I know. And you're making yourself crazy. Yeah. I would want to know. Was he testing that out to see what that felt like to say out loud? I don't know. Is he assuming you're going to quote unquote do the right thing and you're going to go move out because you're the one that blew everything up? Like I I would want to know like where are you at this? Or he said it and he realized no, I don't want that but I don't know what to do next and I don't want to be a cookold on my own house but also I love her but also she's the mother of my child and also she's done this three times so of course she's going to do it again. like all those things. You see what I'm saying? Like it's just a loop. And the only way that loop stops is if somebody stops it. Or let me say this, let me say it more directly. You not bringing this up only confirms it. It doesn't it doesn't protect you from anything. It just prohibits you from the possibility of the good stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've been living on eggshells for the last two or three weeks. Have you looked at him in the eye and said, "I will never cheat on you again." Yes. And have you said nothing in my past would suggest you should trust me on that? No, I haven't said that. Cuz you probably said, "I won't cheat on you ever again." The first time you did, and then the second time you did, and then he married you and then it happened again, and it was half a year. a long time.

I um I've said before like before when I said this, I had this feeling of like, you know, I hope I don't cheat on you again. I hope this doesn't happen again. But now having gone through a year and a half of therapy and a year and a half of SAA, I actually feel confident. I'm I'm actually leaving the army. I don't think the army is a a healthy place for me to be in. Awesome. Okay, so that was going to be one of my next steps. What have you put on the table that says I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth to reestablish trust here and look at him and say, "What do you need? You want me to get out of the army?" Done. You here's my We share bank accounts. Done. You want my phone passwords and all my email passwords? I'm canceling social media. Done. Like, yeah. And it it has to be he's got he gets to detail the map. What would it take? Yeah. Yeah.

But there's something about you looking at him and saying, "You're my guy, and yes, you make me a better person, but forget all that crap. I want you and I've blown everything up. And so you taking another risk on me is is literally insane because it's you doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome. And I'm asking you to be insane one more time. Yeah. I mean, that's because anything he if he chooses to stay with you that doesn't make any sense cuz if he called if he were to call me I would say hey bro listen forget about what she says. Behavior is a language. what's different? How is she acting? And maybe he'd be able to say for the first time in her life, she's in therapy. She's actually dealing with this this maniacal past she grew up in. She's getting out of these environments. She is committed here at the house. She is asking me on a day-to-day basis, how can I love you? We do a budget meeting together just so we align where we want to go together. The past year and a half, I've wanted there's lots of things I've wanted to do like that, but because he's been one foot in and one foot out, I feel like he's not committed, and therefore I feel like I can't ask him those questions. Flip it around, dude. He's hanging on for dear life. Of course, he's not committed. You You shot a hole in the boat. You get what I'm like, just think of it. Y'all are flying. Y'all, y'all in a raft going down whitewater rapids of life and you shot a few You shot three holes in the boat. Of course, he has to have a foot out making and a foot in another boat making sure he doesn't drown. And so, you're right. What you have to do is present him with a new boat and say, "I'm both of my feet are in and I don't have a gun anymore." And I This sounds elementary or prohibitive, if you will. Um because the world tells you and the world tells me right now, our entire culture is you do what you feel like. And if you feel like sleeping with somebody else, then your marriage is broken. That's nonsense. Yeah. The world says it's not true. If you feel dead inside or you're having a season, you're in a low season when it's cold outside, you don't want to do anything, you're away from home for 6 months, just have your fun cuz life's short. That's nonsense. It's insanity. And so you have to be able to demonstrate to him when I'm starting to feel that feeling inside like I need a spark. I need some something to get lit up that you and I have a path that we do this together. And you just have to hold space. He might look at you and say, "I told you I'm out." And if that's the case, then y'all need to quickly move towards as adults a resolution here. Him dropping that grenade in the house and then just moving like the pin's not pulled isn't that's not noble either, right? Or let me let me let me phrase it this way. He doesn't get to do that. He doesn't get to respond to a a somebody blowing up his life immaturely. If he's going to get divorced, cool. Let's deal with papers. Let's figure out housing arrangements. Let's figure out co-parenting stuff and let's move on with our lives. But dangling that over the house is not is not good. But yes, he has had one foot out of the boat. And I I would be with him on that one. That's been a tough go. And maybe even just using the analogy I just gave you. Hey, I shot a hole in our boat. That was our life. So tonight, sit down and walk back. Tell them I blew the boat up and I've got a brand new boat here. I've done a year and a half worth of work. I've got a pin and a blank yellow pad. Got my codes here. Delete whatever you want me to delete. I'm getting out of the army. I'm getting out of these spaces. What must be true? Will you give me a path back to earning your trust back? And I'll make that commitment minute by minute, hour by hour. or week by week or you said you want to divorce. If you want a divorce, then I want us to go down that path then because living in this ambiguity is going to electrify our daughter. It's going to electrify both of us and nobody wins here. So, I say this. I honor you for calling and just putting it all out there and for being self-reflective and owning where you've blown things up and being able to look back in your rearview mirror and see how you come from a long line of people who have done this. And it may be that your redemption story is not inside this relationship. And if this relationship ends, that doesn't mean that the next person you marry, the next person you're with, that you are still a person who never cheats. Period. And for you, that means I'm never going to put myself even in a situation. which means I don't have any way for people to get in touch with me where I might I don't have overnight six-month camping trips even when it's on deployment because I have proven to myself that I get low and I do things that I regret. It's a matter of putting yourself in environments where you can be successful. Thanks for the call, my friend. Call me any anytime.

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All right, Atlanta, Georgia. Let's talk to Grace. What's up, Grace? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. What do you say, lady? Hi. So, I am wondering if I should end my relationship or give my boyfriend an ultimatum over his deep involvement in a multi-level marketing business. Oh, is he selling essential oils? No. I wish it was that simple, honestly. Candles even. It would be even better. But does he hand make earrings? No. nothing like that. It is um I would say it le it's more about business coaching but then there's products involved in that as well. So it's business coaching is a part of it but then they're obligated to buy a substantial amount of products and I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Amway but Oh jeez. Um yes I've heard of Amway. I didn't even know Amway was still a thing. Right. I know cuz my uncle, my mom had told me my uncle actually was involved in that years ago, maybe for a few months. Um, but hold on, Grace. Haven't you seen the charts? Y'all can make $7 million a year if you just get another,00 people to commit to $1,500 a month. And Jeez Louise. All right. So, how bad is it? Well, he's known these people for like seven years. So, they're his friends. He considers them his mentors. and we met 3 years ago, but we officially started dating at the beginning of this year. So, I get that. I've only been in his life for 3 4 months. Here's here's all that matters. Here's all that matters. After seven years, I have a business coach, by the way. I also have a therapist. I believe in both of those things. Mhm. After seven years, does he make any money? He does not. Okay. Then then his business coaching that he has received has been an abject complete and total failure. What's his monthly buy in? Does he have to keep paying them? He's supposed to pay $200. He has to pay $200 for the coaching aspect of it. Okay. And then he's also supposed to be paying $500 a month for products. And he said products he would buy anyways. I think what really bothers me is the fact that he has some debt. He's paid down a substantial amount of debt. is actually in, you know, Ramsay's program. He's gone through financial peace and he's paying down that debt, but he considers this as an investment and their products he would buy anyways. And I know he's not he's told me he's paying cash for the product, so not on credit right now. What does he do for a job though? Right now he works um he's in the auto industry um a manager. He's his job I guess I would say that was another thing at first is like some volatility. He went from sales to now more of a stable position, but I obviously haven't known him, you know, to see over time like his work um I would just say work ethic. And I'm not trying to be critical and so much. You're dating him. Be critical. It's fine. Like you love him. My wife is critical of things that she needs to be critical about. I'm critical of things I need to be critical about. Criticism isn't bad if it's couched in in level of we're on the same team and we're both working towards something. That's not a bad thing. It's accountability. Criticism like is one of the four horse one of the four uh horsemen of the apocalypse. The relationship apocalyp if if you are criticizing because you think you're better than him, then yeah, you got a relationship issue. That is not what I sound like. It's not what it sounds like here. It sounds like you love somebody and they're fun and they're cool and they're charming and you see if I anchor myself to this person, like I've got 10 years of evidence of what what comes next for you. That's what I'm worried about because he did say it's his fault that he hasn't made it, which I think that's pretty common in these kinds of situations. You know, he hasn't gone all in, but now, you know, he's been focused. He's doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's listening to all the hype that they give him. He's attending the conferences. Is he making any money? Not at all. In fact, like he is spending money. It's like this is like this is like a realer who goes to okay one of my good friends Brian Buffini the biggest like he has he coaches real estate agents okay and his he is so his his stuff is so proven he's amazing at what he does but this is like somebody paying him and then as a part of being in his program they go and buy houses so that they can get sales that's not selling like he's a part of a of a multi-level marketing thing. Your boyfriend is where he's supposed to get products at a discount and then resell them because they hype him up and teach him how to sell and crush and kill your goals and get your dreams and get that Ferrari. But he's buying the stuff for himself, right? And then he's passing it off saying, "No, no, I would buy this anyway." Yeah. And now he has a couple people signed up beneath him. And my my other worry is that even if he did make it, I'm like, when do you start you go from being prayed upon? Because I feel like he's been through a lot his past, he's got, you know, a lot of different he's where he's at today. He's a fighter and he's really worked through a lot of things, but I think he was taken advantage of at a vulnerable spot. And that's how I look at it. He would look at it as these people are his friends, his mentors. He's way better off since he met them. And we've had multiple conversations where one point he said if he would do it one more year, just give him one more year, see what he can do, and if he's not making any money off of it, then he'll leave. And then he almost took that back and said, "Well, actually, I'm still getting so much value. These are my friends and mentors. Even if I don't make money, it's still worth it." And then the next time we talked, he said, "Well, he'll leave completely because he cares about me. He doesn't want to lose me." And I told him in that conversation, I can't necess I feel if we set a precedent for you give up this and then I go allin with you. Um I don't think that's a healthy precedent because I think that he knows that's what's holding me back from being like, yeah, I could go all in and I could marry you and I could see a future with you. It's kind of holding me back a little bit. You're very wise because yes, he'll resent you for it and he'll be back in within 6 months of you being married. You know that. He knows that. So, let's do this. I I want to not judge him. He's He's making his choices. He's spending his money doing his thing as he wants to. I'm not going to judge him, okay? He's not here to defend himself, and it doesn't do any good. Um I like I say, I have a business coach. I'm friends with Brian. Brian's amazing. Uh Dave Ramsey's a friend. He's amazing. Like, the entree leadership program is astounding. It's worth it's it's amazing. I sign my friends up. Like, it's amazing stuff. So, I'm all for business coaching. Um, I I guess the question I have for you is you seem to have identified that I'm in love with somebody or I care for somebody, whatever word you want to use, that I don't think he makes wise choices. I think he is someone who's able to be manipulated. I worry about his work ethic. I worry about how he spends his time and his money. So take away the this happened 10 years ago and he's being prayed. Take all that away. Ask yourself the hard question. Do I want to anchor myself to this person to co-create a world together moving forward? That's the question. My wife tells people that she bought low. Like when it came to stocks, I didn't bathe very often. I was a wild dreamer and I was always in grad school. And she said, I knew this, but I always showed up and I worked really hard. She said, I knew that we were we were always going to be moving forward somewhere. And our wildest dreams, not this nonsense. Podcasting didn't even exist when we got right. Not not this, but um I had a career. I had a great career before this. And so going all in on somebody who hasn't quote unquote made yet, that's part of life. That's part of it, right? You see potential. I want to build a life together. That's the question that you have before you. Is this person someone you that you can trust to lean on and that you will receive the leaning that they're going to do on you as y'all build something together? That's a tough question. I think it's not though. It's not. I think you know the answer to that. What's tough is the ramifications of you answering that question honestly. Yay or nay? Yeah, I guess I think I've spent so much time dating and I'm in my 30s and I guess it's the first time I've really in years cared about somebody deeply and had like the attraction had almost and where I feel like it is a partner like the way he does care and the way he shows up for me in all the other ways are so great. It's kind of hard to think about just letting that go over something like this. But then there's also the piece of I grew up in poverty. I grew up with some in food insecurity. I grew up with my parents fighting about money a lot and that was a huge issue. So I told myself like this will never happen to me and I put myself through college debtree. I got a job. I saved my money. I bought a house. I've done I put money I have a good retirement savings. I have a good savings account all for the security that it brings me. And I think I'm just terrified to let somebody into that not knowing that I can trust them. But would you be scared if he was a an electrician and he worked 10-hour days and he got up and made you coffee in the morning, went to work, worked really hard, came home exhausted, made a six figure paycheck, made a made a 65, I don't care the money, 65,000, but he was consistent and he made it and he had dreams of one day having his own shop. Would you have those same concerns? I don't think so. Probably not. And that's what's tough because I have dated guys who made six figures and yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Who cares about that that part of it? Here's what I think. I think that your body knows this story. Both the good of this story and the bad of this. This story is familiar to your nervous system. You hear that? You hear that? Like the old therapist line, you marry your unfinished business. Somewhere your body wants to solve this. It feels comfortable. It feels right to what you know and you've worked really hard to have this thing never happen again. So, fast forward just just you've been together 3 years, you know, 6 months from now, y'all go to the courthouse. Y'all come up to Nashville, Tennessee. I marry you in the yard out here. Okay. Would you leave that marriage ceremony, go down there and get a joint checking account that y'all both put your money in, you both pull money out? I would be nervous to do that. Nervous is fine. Would you do that? Knowing what you know about how he spends money and how he values things and how how he works and how he has set about trying to co-create a life with you. I've actually told him before, yeah, you want to rush to get married by the end of the year, I would marry you, but I wouldn't combine finances. Okay, then that's silly. That's like saying, "I'm I" Yeah. That That's like saying, "I'm going to marry you, but I'm not going all in." Which just guarantees that your marriage isn't going to work out because he's going to know he's married to somebody who has one foot out. So, to save himself, he's got to keep a foot out. And then y'all just going to row in circles until the boat sinks. But maybe, and I'm not saying give up on him, what I want you to own is what you want. And I think you're apologizing for what you want. And that is somebody who you can depend on, someone who is safe. And you've never experienced that ever. No. I feel like I had to be that for myself. That's right. That's right. So, you're going to have to practice leaning on somebody and you're going to have to find somebody that you can lean on. And so, it's not a bad thing for you to say, "I love you. Three years. I can see us having a family. I can see us getting old and fat together out in the lawn chairs in the front yard listening to your Nickelback CDs. He sounds like a guy that listens to Nickelback still. And and sitting on the front porch watching our grandkids run around playing with their AI robots or whatever. Like I can I could see all that. And I can in good conscience connect myself to somebody who is repeatedly taken advantage of, who repeatedly puts money into a thing while we're losing money, who doesn't have a steady job, who doesn't have any sort of plan for the future other than crush it and kill it. Oh yeah, like I need something more secure. And if you want in, awesome. So I guess your ultimate question is, should I give an ultimatum? It sounds like you have an ultimatum. You're just scared that he's going to look at you and say, "No, I choose them." And what I would tell you in a dating relationship, I hope you get that out before you get married. Yeah. Um Yeah. And I think my other fear is even if he were to choose me over that in this present time, what next thing will happen? It could be amazing. It could. I chose my wife over a bunch of stuff. And I didn't know until seven or eight years into being married that she felt guilty that I chose her over some of those things. And I thank God every day that I did. It's not a bad thing. And there were seasons when I was upset about it. There really were. And I thank God every day that I made those choices. So choosing you over something isn't a bad thing. It's not a negative thing. You will choose him. You'll choose sharing. You'll choose being vulnerable again over this perceived like safety that you've built for yourself. Both of y'all will choose things over each other. I mean, you you'll all choose, right? That's part of it. But y'all can choose something amazing. I want you to write down here's your homework assignment. Write down if these five 10 15 2 3 whatever. If these things were different, I would marry this guy today. I think he has a right to know those things. Here's what I'm scared about. And here's what we've talked about for the last 3 years, and I've repeatedly heard you make excuses. Um, go around the edges here. Here, all these things. Fine. You can do whatever you want. You can spend your money however you want. But as for me and my house, the world I want to co-create with somebody, it's going to have to be safe. It's going to have to be directed. I need to see a work ethic. I want us to build towards something and not 10 years of throwing monthly expenses away for some sort of business coaching that hasn't worked. Hasn't worked. In fact, it just continues to cost more money and more money and more money. Plus the annual conference plus the annual conference super atomic diamond division where we could and can we be honest for a second? Everybody out there who's one year in, two years in, three years into a long-term relationship, it feels like a sunk cost. I've already put this much time in it. I'm in my 30s. The clock is ticking. All that stuff. I get that. I get it. But I promise those three years, 15 years from now, after a divorce, after y'all are roommates, I promise those three years will be different then. You're going to wish you had that time back. So, you're worth you're worth drawing a line. Yes, Grace you are. And he's worth you drawing the line. So, he knows and only you can draw that line. Thanks for the call, my friend.

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Naples, Florida. Let's talk to Cash. What's up, Cash? Hey, C. Hey, John. How you doing? I'm doing good, brother. What's up, man? Hey. So, I just want to say big fan of the show. I probably watch an episode every single day, so happy to be here. Appreciate that, man. Thank you. What's up? Of course. Yeah. So, um, there's been some updates on this, but I kind of want to get to the like the initial question here. Um, how can I go about balancing my finances with my girlfriend's expectation that I I pay for everything? Oh, you're talking to an old Texan, man. Define everything. Yeah. So, it it's not exactly everything. I think the more specific um you know the more specific question like it's more you know dates, activities kind of like the special occasion occurrences that come up. Um and I think to to some degree I I I want to pay for those things and have you know the authority and like there's being able to take care of her and treat her well. Um what do you mean authority? What do you mean? Not not authority. That was the wrong word. It's like um being able to treat her well. I think, you know, um I I think it's it's a harder time in my life. I'm getting my finances back on track and working very hard. And I feel like, you know, when we do go out or we have these special things uh plan, I feel like at some point right now in my life, it it it puts me a step back a bit, if that makes sense. Yeah. I mean, you're I mean, you're talking really lofty Naples, Florida language. Can I like here's the thing. So, how long have you all been together? Uh, just a little over a year now. Okay. Sounds like you've been dating somebody for a year and you've had a drop in income or you lost a job or whatever. You're figuring stuff out. You're paying off debt, whatever the thing is, and she expects you to pay for everything and you don't know how to sit down and say, "Hey, I don't have the kind of money that to keep doing this." Is that fair? Um, I I will say we have had a conversation. So since I posed the question, we have sat down and and had a long conversation because I think the biggest thing was her reaction to it. What tell me what do you mean when you said what? So like every time it would come up like baby like babe I'm you know this month's been you harder for me. I'm getting my career started right now and I I want to be more mindful where the money's going. I'm happy to go do these things with you and and and experience this stuff. um she she would just totally shut down from there and not even have the discussion really then she does not she's not worth you dating. Mhm. If she's that immature or let me put it this way, she doesn't care about you. She care about cares about the appearance of she cares about somebody taking you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand. I I do want to know I I do want to know. We did So that's what was going on, right? Okay. Um, but we did get to the point where we had a very heart-to-heart in-depth conversation. Um, she was able we had a blow up that day and she was able to come back and and have us talk to it. And I think we got to the the bottom line of where we think it's coming from. What is it? Um, and so what what I saw or felt coming from it is her dad was never emotionally there for her. And so the way she received love from her dad was by being taken care of financially with going out to dinners or activities. Okay. And that's kind of what we we got to the the point. And I think the bigger thing for me is like should I cuz every time it come up I felt like I was doing her in service or or like just not treating her well. And like I want to know am I in the right or in the wrong? And like I don't know. I like I I want to know if I'm in the right here with the conversation we had. Like I want to make sure it's not just me. I think I think you're overthinking this way way way too much. Way too much. Okay. Okay. Oversophisticating it, over analyzing it, over like therapeuting it. Like any word you want to make up just to jump in here. Um I'm an old Texas soul. Okay. My wife says I was born in the wrong century. I always think it's right for the guy to pay for food, to pay for outings, to pay for the movie. I also used to fight because I married a really strong, brilliant, tough woman who had her own career. Like, I can pay for my stuff and then there'd be nice night like I'm taking you on a date. That was usually my signal. I'm paying for all of this stuff, right? And when she did pay, I did. I felt less than. I did. Just is what it is. Okay. Um, so all that stuff is true. And the biggest red flag I have in this whole thing, I got two of them. One is that when you said, and it doesn't sound like you were very clear. It sound like it was more ambiguous, but she would plan an event. We're going to the beach and we're going to go to this dinner with our friends. We're going to do this. And she just expect you to pay for it. And then you would come back and say, "Hey, I'm trying to get my career off the ground. I'm kind of slow." Instead of being able to say, "Hey, I can't afford all of this. I would love to do all this stuff. I'm just here's the reality of my finances." and that she threw a fit and left. I'm glad that she came back. That's awesome. So, I retract. Maybe she's completely on board. Maybe she overreacted and was like, "Oh, wait a minute. This is how I thought love worked and it doesn't." Awesome. Mhm. I think you y'all need to to go brass tax on this deal. Like, I'm getting my my business off the ground. I'm starting a

new career. I'm not borrowing any money here. I would love to hang out with you. And that might mean that for six months we go to the park. We walk on the beach for free. We go fishing and we don't catch anything. We go read books. We go to the library. We go get a cup of coffee cuz that's what I can afford right now. And she looks at you and says, "I'm all in." Yeah.

If and and and here that's not you being in the wrong. That's you just doing math. That's reality. Mhm. The fact that you're even asking, "Is that okay for you to do?" just shows how distorted culture has made everything. You would not be loving her if you said yes to everything and you put it all on a credit card so that you are married to her in four years and you owe $30,000 for her little adventures that you didn't have the courage to say no to.

Telling her the truth about your financial situation. saying, "I would love to be with you and spend time with you in this present season. It's cold outside. It's winter, so we can't go out." And if she looks at you and says, "I don't want anything to do with you, or I'm going to go somewhere with somebody who can," then buy Felicia. I mean, you get what I'm saying? I know it sounds harsh, but like it's just you and her trafficking in reality.

You don't sound like you're buying it. No, no. I I definitely understand. I definitely understand what you're saying. Um, why is that hard for you to digest? I uh I don't I I I think I feel like I need to have it all um I guess figured out. And how old are you? 25. Oh my gosh, dude. Really? I I I don't know. I feel like I need to be further along than what I am right now.

Where are you right now? Just financially. What do you make a year? Um I just got a new job and and sales and you know, if I hit my commissions and whatnot, it'll be 80 grand. Bro, turn off all of the like meathead podcasts first. Turn them off. If you don't hit your quotas, what are you gonna make this year? What's your What's your floor? 50. So, you make $50,000 a year um with a potential upside of 80,000 $30,000 more dollars. Are you working hard day in day out? Yeah. Okay. and the the economics the the the world's economic situation is just a blender right now. And so it's a wild time to be a commission salesman. You still have $50,000 floor. Are you driving around a stupid car that you can't afford?

I actually um I actually moved over from Hawaii um about 6 months ago and so I sold my car over there before I moved and I I haven't wanted to get in debt since. So I I have not been using a car lately and just wanting to save up and and buy something cash. How do you get to work? How do you make sales calls? Do you work from home? It's it's 100% remote so I'm able just to work from home all day. Fantastic. Awesome. Does she know that you're going to buy a $3,000 Camry whenever you get 3,000 bucks?

I've um we've talked about I I've I've kind of held off from getting something that cheap. You think I should get something just cheap? In the meantime, I want to get something a little bit more expensive that I can pay for cash for like a milestone for myself. I don't think you need milestones right now, man. You need little wins. A whole bunch of little wins. Here's the deal, dude. You are 25 years old. You're out there slogging it. You're just grinding day in and day out. You're going to wake up and be 35 and you're going to have a pretty amazing life if you figured this out. How to how to sell, how to be a person of integrity, how to work really hard, how to love and take care of people, and how to traffic in reality. So, take it from a guy that spent my entire career with working with people your age, you're doing great. You're doing fine. Okay. Mhm.

If she spends most of her time on Instagram and wants some kind of flashy something rather and some guy that just is going, then she's a spoiled brat and she needs to move on with her life. But if she sees a 25-year-old with the kind of character and gut check and hard work and integrity and sense of humor that she says, you know what? Kind of like I was just telling another caller, my wife bought low. She saw that in me at 25. Mhm. You know what I made at 25? You want to know? 335. $33,500. And I was so excited when I got that raise from $30,500. I got a $3,000 raise. I remember that number because I was ecstatic. My wife was a third grade teacher and she made more money than I did. She was my girlfriend at the time, but she was all in and she drove a Corolla and I drove a used some I don't know, some kind of shenanigan car.

So, just from one guy to another, we have a crisis of young men in this country. Okay, you know that, I know that. Are you spending your whole day just scrolling porn? No. Okay. Um, do you make an X number of sales calls a day, even when it's hard? Yeah. Do you work out? You go to gym? I do. Okay. Are you a person of integrity? Yeah. Do you go to church? Uh, I do not go to church, but I I have my own spiritual practice as I There you go. You are so far ahead. Please don't let somebody you're dating drag you down because you can't fund her lifestyle. It's an honor for me to get to talk to a 25-year-old who's actually in the arena with gloves on taking swings because there's millions and millions of men who've just opted out. And yes, if you can pay for dinner, pay for the movie. And no, you are not somebody's travel funder or somebody's the the chief funding officer of somebody's party planning committee. That's not how relationships work. Y'all plan things together. Y'all do things together. I'm proud of you. You're doing good work. Thank you.

Here's where I want you to start with her. Reality. If you are falling for this girl and you're starting to love her, awesome. Sit down and say, "Hey, I see a future with you. We've been together a year. I see a future with you." and I'm on the front end of something that I'm trying to build that's going to be amazing that I can support a family someday that I can build a life and I want to build it with somebody. And that means I'm going to be out of balance at 25, 26, 29. I'm going to be out of balance. But I'm doing that now so that the day I have a kid, I can do whatever I want to so that if the market crashes, I've got cash and I can just go pick up a house for nickels on the dollar. And so let's get down to reality and what you're building and put all that on the table. And bro, hopefully she doesn't walk on you. And if she does, I'm glad it happens now. Then two kids in when you're 33. I'm proud of the work you're doing, man. And for every 25-year-old listening to the show, this is what it looks like. 25, making 50 grand a year, which is a chunk. Not feeling like you have enough. Really hitting the gas. Not even having a car cuz I'm I'm I'm trying so hard to get ahead. Really chasing it and trying to find somebody to walk alongside me. I love it. I love all of it. Thanks for the call, Cash. We come back. What do we got, Kelly? We have an Am I the problem? Am I the problem? We'll be right back.

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All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so this is from Tony in Oaklair, Wisconsin. Tony with a Y or an I. With a Y. All right. Yes. And he writes, "Am I the problem for wanting boundaries with my in-laws? My wife is very close to her parents. They video call almost every day. Almost every day, often interrupting our family life. Lately, she's been inviting them to stay for multiple nights without asking me. When they visit, our daughter gives up her room because grandma can't do stairs. She sleeps on an air mattress in her sister's room. Grandpa sleeps alone downstairs in the guest room. Everything shifts to cater to her parents, meals, TV, bedtime, even where we sit at dinner. My do my wife reverts to daughter mode and dismisses my concern, saying they'll be dead someday. Get over it. Meanwhile, we rarely see my mom, and I've established clear boundaries with my dad and his third wife. I feel like a guest in my own home. Am I want Am I wrong for wanting to protect our family's rhythm with some healthy limits?"

No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Now is the time to have that conversation. That's all I really have to say about that. Yes. Yeah. What do you think, Kelly? Same. Oh, I think you're 100% right on that one. Yeah. I mean, this is it's too far. Too far. Yeah. Way too far. Yes. Um, yeah, you have to build an internal rhythm rhythm inside your own home. And it has to be having parents over all the time. Great. Love it. I wish I wish my parents were over all the time. I love that. But it has to be something that you do together. It can't be one person getting out of whack. It sounds like the real boundary here is between you and your wife. And that's the harder conversation. This is less about her parents. This is less about this is more about your wife going off going rogue and then get mad at you for not supporting her doing whatever she just wants to. So that's that's where the true boundary is. But no, you're absolutely right. 100%. We got to build some boundaries starting in your marriage and then going from there. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Bye. [Music]